Today I’m going to answer one of the most asked questions in our community.
How does a dumper feel when you use a no contact rule on them?
After all, if your ex broke up with you and you want them back you might think they wouldn’t care if you ignore them but that’s almost never the case.
I’ve always found that in these situations it’s incredibly useful to look at how they feel based on how they act.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo, How Does The Dumper Feel If You Use No Contact On Them?
I know, “actions speak louder than words” is the most cliché thing I could say but I truly believe that actions go even beyond what someone says to you.
Generally speaking, someone’s actions are going to be informed by what they’re thinking and feeling, even if they don’t say it.
This is an incredibly important thing to understand because if you’re looking at the psychology of a dumper when you use a no contact rule on them, we first need to understand the type of individual they are.
The best way to understand your ex is to find out what their attachment style is.
Let’s Talk A Bit About Attachment Styles
I’ve been talking a lot about attachment styles recently on my website, YouTube channel, and even podcast and that’s because attachment theory really is one of the most character-revealing concepts that drive human behavior.
Once you properly determine your ex’s attachment style you can make a much more educated guess of how exactly they will react to a no-contact rule against them.
The four major attachment styles:
- Secure
- Anxious
- Avoidant
- Fearful
Secure attachment
The golden standard of attachment styles that everyone should strive towards. People with secure attachment styles are confident in themselves and don’t base their self-worth on others.
Anxious attachment
Anxious attachment is characterized by a deep-seated need to be emotionally connected to someone at all times. People with anxious attachment styles often lose their individuality in relationships as it all becomes about their partner.
Avoidant attachment
Avoidant attachment is an emotionally distant kind of attachment where individuals are most comfortable without opening up to their partners. People with avoidant attachment styles do not like deep or sentimental discussions and they fiercely value independence – for themselves and their partner as well.
Fearful attachment
You’ve heard of the “best of both worlds” but a fearful attachment style is kind of like the worst of both worlds – a constant back and forth between anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
Now that you have a general idea of the four attachment styles, let’s look into what the most common ones are for our clients and their exes.
I had my own opinion based on my experience and that of the other coaches that a large majority of our clients have an anxious attachment style and their exes have an avoidant attachment style.
I decided to put my theory to the test with a poll in our private Facebook support group which is about 5000 members strong right now.
I asked one simple question:
What attachment style do you think your ex is?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizI gave them the classic four options and here were the results:
As you can see, 264 votes were cast in total.
Avoidant attachment style was by far the most likely attachment style of an ex with 67% of the vote.
Next up were fearful, secure, and anxious attachment styles with 20%, 9%, and 4% respectively.
So, what does this all mean?
Well simply put there’s an 87% chance that if you use the no contact rule on someone who dumped you, they’re going to exhibit avoidant or fearful behaviors.
And we already know that fearful behaviors have an overlap of avoidant behaviors too so the likelihood of dealing with avoidant behavior is pretty high!
But what does this avoidant behavior look like?
Before we get into the actual behaviors/actions, let’s focus a bit more on avoidant and fearful attachment styles as they seem to be the most common in our community.
An avoidant attachment style is marked by a fear of intimacy.
People with an avoidant attachment style have trouble getting close to and trusting others in relationships. They’re most likely to be emotionally unavailable and in their minds, they should be pretty independent.
That last bit is often overlooked but I think it’s very important to understand.
Someone with an avoidant attachment style is going to be very big on independence – their independence and also your independence.
So, if they’re dating you, they expect you to be independent on your own which can cause some friction, especially if you’re an anxious attachment style who wants to be a bigger part of their life.
Next up we have the fearful attachment style which is the rarest of them all.
In fact, people often confuse avoidant or anxious attachment for fearful attachment as it has elements of both.
Think of it like this – the fearful attachment style is a combination of avoidant and anxious. Avoidants are people who are going to ignore you, while anxious people are going to be those who can’t imagine their life without you.
Anxious attachments will blow up your phone and make you the center of their lives while avoidant attachments will want you to live your own life and not coddle them too much.
Sounds like total opposites, right? Well, a true fearful attachment style is this pendulum constantly swinging between someone who’s anxious and someone who’s super avoidant.
Now let’s get into the actual behaviors exes exhibit and how you can guess which one your ex might do based on their attachment style.
Three Most Common Behaviors We See Dumpers Exhibiting During No Contact
I want to preface this by saying that about 80% of our clients were dumped by their exes so we have seen a LOT of dumpers face no contact rules and these three reactions are pretty standard across the board:
Stubbornness
The first type of behavior is simple stubbornness. This fits perfectly into that avoidant type of attachment style. This is the type of person that says, “I’m not going to contact them, they’re going to have to contact me.”
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWe actually did another poll a few months ago where we asked our people who have completed no contact rule in our private Facebook group “how often have exes contacted you during the no contact rule?”
We found that the vast majority – around 66% – of people who used a no contact rule did not get a response.
This is exactly the kind of behavior an avoidant dumper would show. They wouldn’t bother to take any initiative to reach out because they don’t want to show any emotional vulnerability.
Guilting
The next most common behavior exes show when you use a no contact rule on them is actually guilting you.
This is inspired by one of the several crazy no contact stories that we see on our Facebook group all the time.
A woman had posted an email from her ex that was basically a long rant about how she was being immature by ignoring him and that he would never talk to her again if she refused to respond.
Here’s the thing – who’s actually immature here?
The one chilling and minding her own business or the one obsessively writing passive-aggressive emails?
An email like this can only be sent by someone who is going through their own pendulum swing of emotions – someone with a fearful attachment style.
One moment they’re angry about the fact that you haven’t responded to them because of no contact and the next minute they’re telling themselves they don’t need to talk to you ever again.
Classic fearful behavior of jumping from anxious to avoidant and back again.
Anger
Now we have the most common behavior and the response you’re most afraid of – your ex getting angry with you. I was actually interviewing Anna, our head coach on ex-boyfriend recovery, ex-girlfriend recovery, and soon-to-be marriage recovery, and we were talking about this concept of what your ex becomes after a breakup occurs.
A lot of times I think people become sympathetic with their exes and here comes the question between empathy vs sympathy. We found that people who come to their exes with a sympathetic approach don’t do as well as people who come at their exes with an empathetic approach. What’s the difference?
Sympathy is not only understanding your ex’s point of view but also feeling the exact same emotions and as a result trying to make your ex feel better. On the other hand, empathy is understanding and acknowledging your ex’s point of view, but not feeling the same emotions and not trying to make your ex feel better about it.
So how does this fit into anger?
A lot of times women think “Oh my god if I use the no contact rule and it makes my ex angry that’s gonna implode my chances of getting him back. I’m going to fail so why should I do a dumb no contact rule”. Here’s why you’re wrong:
The game changes completely after you’ve gone through a breakup.
Your ex is no longer your lovey-dovey honey that you were potentially thinking to marry. They’re nothing more than an acquaintance to you now and acquaintances don’t get sympathy, they get empathy.
That’s important for you to understand because one of the biggest mistakes you could make during the no contact rule is feeling bad for your ex, especially if the ex was the one who broke up with you.
Think about it- first, your ex dumped you and now they have the audacity to get angry or guilt trip you because you’re not acting how they expect you to? That’s on them, not you. They’re the ones who created this situation. You owe your ex nothing. Do not put them on a pedestal, put yourself on a pedestal instead.
Conclusion:
Your ex’s reaction to a no contact rule heavily depends on what kind of attachment style they have. So, your ex might be stubborn and totally ignore you back if they have an avoidant attachment style.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizOn the other hand, an ex with a fearful attachment style might even try to guilt-trip you by sending you messages with melodramatic ultimatums to talk to them or they will never talk to you again.
Jim
June 11, 2024 at 4:23 am
I was dating This girl I kept breaking her off. I would block her she would use an app to change her number and blow up my phone all day long. I eventually picked up and we talked got back together. I had some gut feeling perhaps she might be seeing another guy whilst she was at this bingo thing her work mate invited her to. I broke it off with her and dropped all her things off stupidly in the heat of the moment that night. We then talked 3 days later on the phone, she called me said she wasn’t going anywhere and I had to be nice to her. So the next day she sent a message how she couldn’t do this anymore and blocked me on everything, I went round foolishly about a week later she closed the curtains locked the door, unblocked me to send a text saying to leave her alone or she would call the police on me. That was 2 months ago not heard anything since. Such a confusing situation. I’m not sure what kind of attachment this is ?
Owolabi Oluwatomisin
March 4, 2021 at 3:04 pm
Hi Chris,
My boyfriend broke up with me Jan 30 and I most times bombard him with texts to plead
Which he always respond with give me a two weeks break but I was scared he’s going to move on and forget me during the two weeks so I keep begging till he got tired and said we should settle it and involve a third party who’s matured and knows what is going on between us. When we met Feb 23rd at my cousin’s house that’s where he said he’s done finally because of my behavior during the relationship
When he left I cried and my cousin called him and he came back in the evening and told us he can’t just rush things that I should work on myself first that I should give him one month but I still keep disturbing him and he calls me if I ask him to
All he has been hammering is that I should see a counselor and work on myself first
I even lied I have started seeing a counselor and he started talking well with me and discussing my progress until I started pressuring him for a come back again and he said he hasn’t found any change in me
That all he wants now is us discussing about my progress and not relationship
I started the no contact today but I’m bothered if he will miss me and come back to me
N.b we dated for 5years
Paula
January 20, 2021 at 4:13 am
Hey Chris, I am not usually someone who comments and stuff but I have quite a pickle. I started no contact and before that I was contacting my “ex” every week. It has been a 10 days since I started no contact and on the 7th day he blocked me on Instagram and unfollowed me on twitter ( which he NEVER uses). I have been working on the holy trinity and as a result I posted a picture on my Instagram because I was feeling happy about myself. I am confused because he blocked me on my public Instagram but not on my private, which was the one I used to last have a conversation with him, 10 days ago. Is this a normal reaction? He clearly blocked me because he was bothered by my Instagram posts, and not because of me messaging him, since he still left the “door” open for me.
Catherine
January 13, 2021 at 4:21 pm
Hi,
My boyfriend of 1 year and a half suddenly broke up with me 2 days ago. We never had a fight and everything was going just fine. He asks me to stay at his place a year ago.
When he told me he wanted to broke up, he said that he was not sure that we had a future together.
Is there a chance that he relalises that he made a mistake?
I havent talk to him yet but he send me a message to know how I was doing. What do I have to do to get him back?
Thank you
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 13, 2021 at 7:39 pm
Hi Catherine, so you need to work through some articles following and understanding the no contact rule and what Ungettable girl means. Applying this information to your situation and then then planning your reach out texts that Chris explains in his articles.
Annie
January 11, 2021 at 10:37 am
Hello! For a little more than a month, I’ve been dating a guy with an avoidant attachment style, who is generally pretty scared of showing vulnerability to anyone around him. Things were going well and after few dates he actually started lowering his defences, got me gifts, started talking about future dates, got those heart-shaped eyes, talked well to his friend about me when we were together…. but then, we spent 2 weeks separated from each other because of the pandemics (we’re living in Italy). He’d always reach out by text/voice message if it wasn’t me who reached out first. He’d tell me about his day and everything going on. But then, one day, he suddenly turned cold. He pulled away and when we got the chance to meet up again, he told me he was not ready to commit yet (although I never brought up the commitment topic because I thought it’d be too early), that he was not ready for a relationship. That I’m great and all but he still needs time to recover from a past relationship that he considered to be very important and left some marks and now “his heart is empty”. So I told him I understood, and I wished him all the best and all the happiness he deserves, although it was clear I was hurt and he also was shaken by the whole conversation. So now I’m applying the no contact rule (has been three days now). Do you think he will miss me and start thinking that maybe he missed out the chance for a successful relationship, and maybe contact me back? I’ve never been clingy with him and always showed him I’m independent with a full and accomplished life, which is true.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 11, 2021 at 6:31 pm
Hi Annie, there is a chance he is going to miss you after a month of dating, but the most important thing is that you work on yourself and the social media side to show him that you are not upset or falling apart with out him around.
Graceson
January 11, 2021 at 2:05 am
Hi, me and ex boyfriend were together for 6 years. He broke up with me 6 weeks ago and we have off and on communication. He says that he doesn’t want to be with me because I only start to care when he is done. I told him that I would fix the issues and everything but he doesn’t trust me that I won’t go back to my old ways. We had sexual intercourse 3 days ago, he said it wasn’t the right moment or time that we needed to figure things out first before we did that. I’m wanting to do anything to get him back. I am working on self-love, confidence, not being jealous, or insecure with myself. My friends tells me that I need to just drop him and leave him alone, but I tell him constantly that I won’t give up on him and that I’m going to fight for him! Please tell me what I should do.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 11, 2021 at 6:17 pm
Hi Graceson, you need to start following the program so that you can implement the no contact rule work on yourself, and reach out after your NC with one of Chris’ texts that he mentions in his articles.
Anna
January 8, 2021 at 9:05 pm
Hi, My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me after we were arguing a lot in the last few months. We were in a long distance relationship and with the covid I became negative and started losing hope. I was also triggered by his bad communication and became jealous and not trusting him. I started pushing him away many times after arguments not knowing how to communicate that I need space to calm down. He became insensitive of my triggers and probably even started to care less about my triggers towards the end of the relationship. What confuses me is that he did break up with me, saying that I need to work on my issues and he is feeling insecure that if we get back together we would break up again. He said that he believes that it’s too soon to be back at this time. He feels that he got lost in the relationship as well. However, he did say that he will be there waiting for me to work on my issues, he would be alone, and it would be either me or no one else for him. This statement is confusing to me is giving me hope, but in the same time I don’t want to just have a hope for nothing. I agree we needed space to calm down, but I also do believe that things can’t be fixed without proper communication. I have been in no contact for the past 2 weeks. I want to move on, but in the same time I really don’t want to. We were talking serious relationship. Please help!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 27, 2021 at 10:45 am
Hi Anna, so you need to decide what it is you want to do. If you want to move on then you stay in NC until you feel happier being single and about moving on in your life. If you want him back then you need to reach out after 30 days NC.
Kristen
January 7, 2021 at 11:56 pm
Hey! So my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me about 2 days ago. We had a small argument and it snowballed. He has seasonal depression and In the past would talk about just turning his phone off for a while and not taking to anyone for a bit. What should I do? I think he has blocked me. I definitely want him back! We were talking only 3 days ago and everything was great!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 8, 2021 at 10:52 pm
Hi Kristen, you need to allow him this time to process his own feelings and be sure that you stick with your no contact period for 30 days, 45 if you are blocked.
San
January 5, 2021 at 9:22 am
Hi Chris, my boyfriend of 1 month 2 weeks broke up with me yesterday. We have been friends for a year before we started dating. When ever we fight I’ll always end the relationship and he’ll come begging me not to end it. So last Monday I insulted him. I told him he is stingy and a bad person that we should end the relationship. This time he didn’t beg me so after 5 days( yesterday). I called him to apologize and he ended the relationship . He said I’m rude and he doesn’t want to continue with me.He said we can be friends I told him I don’t want friendship and that he has sisters that someone is going to do the same thing he is doing to me to them so he got angry and blocked me on WhatsApp. I don’t know what to do I really love him.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 6, 2021 at 9:09 pm
Hi San, so the description you’ve given here is NOT healthy relationship. When you have only been together a month you should still be in the honeymoon phase, not arguing and breaking up “all the time” have you spent more time together or broken up in that month? I would suggest that you take some time to work on yourself during the no contact period for at least 45 days maybe 60. And work out what it is that causes you to fall out and insult each other, what it is you want from a relationship and is he the person who can give that to you?
Sola
January 4, 2021 at 7:43 pm
Great read! My ex and I have been broken up for a while now. I finally got the courage to send them a kind of “closure” message after months, including a song that both of our favorite artists recently collaborated on. It felt like the right thing because he had been liking and unliking my pictures, taunting me almost.
I didn’t expect much, but he didn’t reply and added the song to his playlist. He has been listening to it non-stop actually and when I took a closer look at that playlist, they were all sad lovesongs, some of them I know for sure he relates to me.
I would almost expect an answer at this point, but I think he is still in an off/on relationship with his rebound… Can I even do something else? I fear my closure message made him think that I am not interested in ever talking again, but then again, I did reach out…
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 6, 2021 at 9:20 pm
Hi Sola, have you completed a no contact period at all? And your reach out text isn’t supposed to be a closure text if you are wanting to follow ex recovery program. We suggest texts in the articles to help you get your ex more interested in having a conversation with you, so that you can break that barrier and open communication again. If you want your ex back, then you need to re group and read the articles again so that you can work out how to use this program to your benefit and get him back, if he is with the other person then you also need to read about the being there method, there are articles and videos about this on Chris’ YouTube channel