Having "The Talk" With Your Ex Boyfriend- How To Get Him Back

171 thoughts on “How To Ask Your Ex Boyfriend To Be In A Relationship With You”

gl

October 21, 2015 at 1:42 pm

Chris, your articles are insightful and wise. I was wondering if you could give a little advice. I’ve definetely jumped the gun. Several times now. It’s actually mind blowing that the apple of my eye has come back as many times as he has, considering I’ve upset him so bad, he’s blocked me. It makes me think he really cares about me to have come around so many times. He’s back AGAIN, I told him no sex, because I want a boyfriend, and I invited him to eat at my restaurant and he responded warmly. I guess he cares enough to keep me around! The last time we hooked up, it was a great day. We had sex, hung out with his peers, and then had sex again. it’s not just sex he sees in me, I know what that’s like! You don’t hang out and get close when it’s just a f*** buddy arrangement. I told him that I had a great time, and he agreed….he seemed to be into me! Well I started pining, and invited him over. He wasn’t able to, and I sent a long text about if we’re going anywhere and I can’t do this if we aren’t…it was premature. It upset him, he wasn’t ready for that. Well I’ve got a better handle on my emotions now. But what if they flare up again? Chris, this is what I don’t like about this. The pining, and waiting, and feeling “jipped.” Hours, or days, thinking about him. I know he’s seeing other women, and I’m willing to compete. No sex I know will help my emotional state, but what else to do? It feels torturous sometimes. I recite mantras to combat the obsession. Lol!!!! Thanks, your articles have helped me quite a bit. I also know, he likes the sex with me a lot. How can I use this to my advantage?
Emily

October 17, 2015 at 1:12 pm

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago after 2 years of being in a relationship. We were best friends for a year, dated for a year, took a year off, and then got back together for a year. He wasn’t just my boyfriend but he was honestly my best friend which is what made the relationship work so great. During the year off, he was still in love with me but I needed to take that time to truly find myself. I think that us getting back together after a year really proves how much we love each other and I know for a fact he loves me. He felt a lot of pressure to make me happy and with the stress of applying to colleges, he told me he needed time for himself. He never even said the words “I want to break up” because I think just saying those words were just too hard because that wasn’t really what he wanted to do. We had a 3 hour conversation after our “break up” and he was hysterical crying. He kissed me twice which was confusing also. Im implementing the no contact rule but what do you think I should do? I can’t picture us never being together again so do you think us getting back together is possible?

Chris Seiter

October 18, 2015 at 6:26 pm

Oh you got this one easy as long as you actually follow the rules of no contact. Yes you can have him back. Do 21 days of no contact and make sure you ignore him when he texts you. Text him out of the blue after the 21 days and tell him something exciting. Read the post on Texting your ex back for more details. https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/using-text-messages-to-get-your-ex-boyfriend-back/

Sam

October 14, 2015 at 2:50 am

Hi Chris, I was wondering how this would all pan out if it was a LDR situation. We both moved after we broke up. It ended on good terms and everything he said he just needed to move back home to be with family so we split. We have remained friends the whole time, probably a little too friendly if you know what I mean 😉 I wish I had found your site earlier bc after I begged him to take me back and getting mad if he wouldn’t text me for two days I feel like I pushed him away and he doesn’t want to get back together. I mean we live 1,500 miles away. He did tell me all the time when we were dating that he wanted to marry me though. Is there any hope for me? I can’t have any date type situations because we live so far apart. But I am planning on moving back in a few months.

Chris Seiter

October 16, 2015 at 2:08 am

I think it’s very doable in a long distance relationship.

The proof?

Me and my wife!!!

Amber

September 4, 2015 at 6:12 am

I am wondering how many times you should aim to meet up in person before doing the ask? Also, I have assessed the ‘negative’ feelings my ex might feel about our past relationship, and am wondering if it is a bad idea to ever discuss the past? Would it be better to just show him the new and improved me and never mention any ‘mistakes’ we may have made in our relationship?

Chris Seiter

September 9, 2015 at 2:23 pm

Hi Amber, yes it is always bad to mention mistakes or anything negative from the past. Why rehash and remind him?

You should wait a minimum of 3 phone calls to initiate a mini-date.

Jess

August 31, 2015 at 11:22 pm

Hi Chris, I love this article and thought it was helpful how you gave step by step directions on how to approach and execute “The Talk”. This article was steered more to the conventional ex-relationship cases, and unfortunately for me, my break up was from my 3,000 miles away long distance ex.

It would be really helpful seeing an article on your tips/advice on implementing “The Talk” for long distance break ups.

I feel like you offer a unique and knowledgeable perspective on long distance relationships that no other website offers (considering your background) and would love to hear/read more from you on the topic.

Chris Seiter

September 2, 2015 at 3:30 am

Hi Jess,

Those LDR’s can be tough.

Believe me I know.

Off the top of my head I think the talk would have to be done in person. In other words, I wouldn’t consider trying to have a talk like that until you have both agreed to meet in person. Preferably him to you!

Catherine

August 22, 2015 at 1:20 pm

So here’s the deal. I met my guy 9 months ago while living in florida, and he’s in the Marines. Then 8 months ago, i moved back home to New York. We never established a legit relationship because we knew we were going to be so far away. We kept ‘talking’ for two months, then he slowly started to pull away from me. I didn’t let him get away with it, i got upset he was doing that, and ultimately made him talk to me about what we were. In that conversation, we put a halt on whatever we were. The last thing I told him in that convo was “you talk to me when you’re ready.” So, it was two months. He had snap chatted me a few times, subtweeted, and ‘liked’ a few things of mine on social media, but I stuck with the NC and refused to contact him first. One day he was posting snapchats of him drinking with friends, and he also texted me that night. I’m not about to respond to his drunken messages. But, the next morning, I texted him saying “hey did you need something last night?” and that started everything again. We started the ‘talking’ stage slow again, and then eventually turned into all day every day kind of thing. But, one day, he just stopped answering me in the middle of the conversation and didn’t try texting me for a month and a half. To me, I was thinking “who the hell does he think he is,” because he knew my feelings. BUT, he favorited and liked EVERYTHING on my social media, and snap chatted me a million times, and then texted me about twice a day, and i finally gave in. I told him straight out that it wasn’t right to play with my feelings when he knows how he feels. I told him if he does that again it’s not gonna fly. Ever since then (that was around beginning of june) we have been talking all day every day. So much so, that I just got back from seeing him.

But, that’s the part I need help with. I tried talking to him about what we are when i was down there. He says “I’ll ask you out when it’s the right time, you’d just expect too much from me if we were to get into a relationship right now” and also swore up and down that I’m the only girl he’s talking to. But, if I’m the only girl, what is he waiting for? Is he stringing me along? Is it because he’s in the Marines? Also, he says he wants to make plans to see me again but doesn’t want to make them until he comes back from special training in another country, and he comes back early october. Is that weird? I’m just afraid he’s going to try to slowly stop talking to me again…
Angela

July 9, 2015 at 2:04 pm

I know I wrote a lot but I NEED your help!!!
===
I am 17 and my ex is 18. We met in HS when I was a junior and he was a senior, and it was the best year of our life. We saw each other everyday and loved every second of it. Then it came time for him to leave to college in Colorado and leave me back in NY. Every time we talked about whether or not we were going to stay together we cried and didn’t even want to think about it. Anyway, he left for college and left me broken hearted. We talked on and off for three weeks and by the end of it he said he made a huge mistake and wanted to try long distance. We ended up getting back together and went the whole year in a long distance relationship up until a week ago when he got home for summer and we broke up. Towards the end of the long distance relationship it was SOO hard and i just didn’t see how it was going to work, especially since I leave to college in fall. Long distance is no joke THE HARDEST THING EVER. He called me the last day of his classes and said he wanted to try it again next year, and me somewhat debating it told him how i don’t see it working. After that day he seemed to take every reason i had said on why we shouldn’t stay together to heart. We started bickering a lot and at the end of the day broke up. This break up was us hugging and crying about how we want to be together but the distance is making it so hard. Three days after that break up we started hanging out together and talking. We also had sex a couple times, but this was meaningful sex. He told his friend that he didn’t want to hang out with me because he thought he would cry knowing it was the last time together. After the break up recently and talking to him again i realized that he is what i want and i want to try long distance again. I know he cares about me a lot and was heart broken when he found i didn’t want to try originally. i spoke to him two days ago about how i messed up and didn’t know what i wanted till now and he responded, ” i can’t go through another break up with you, it is the worst feeling in the world”. He’s scared to try again and us end up breaking up, especially since we will be away from each other. I basically promised him that i will do everything in power so we will never have to break up again. He’s also scared to not try and miss out on our relationship, since it really was an amazing thing. When i was leaving after me telling him im sorry and want him, we hugged and he wouldn’t let me go…he also started kissing me on the head, nose, neck, but not the lips. It was the biggest tease and i know he wanted kiss me because he tried pulling me so close. after the hug i was walking to my car and i look at him and he was starting to cry, the saddest thing i have ever seen and i just started crying to my car. i felt like there was nothing else i could say…i told him i wanted him and although he was crying as i was walking away i couldn’t just run back to him. Right now i am trying to stay away and keep the no contact rule but it is killing me. I asked him if he even cared about the last couple days together when we were broken up but acting like we were dating again, and he said he loved every minute of it. I just don’t get how he can feel that way and still want this break. He also mentioned that we have been dating for almost two years now, each others first relationship, and that maybe we should make sure that this is what we want by “testing the waters”. I do agree that knowing that there is nothing better than this will make the relationship stronger if he realizes he only wants me, but it has only been a couple days and i don’t want to hu with anyone or hear he did it. I asked how much time he thinks he needs and he said deff NOT a month. He keeps saying that we both want to be together, but because of the long distance it might be too hard. i just feel like we are wasting time we could be spending together, we both leave the end of August. ALSO this friday we have a party on a small boat with about 40 other people and i don’t know what i should do. Should i try and talk to him and hope that we both end up hooking up? should i just keep my distance? I do know that he won’t try to hu with anyone in front of me (or at least i’m 90% sure he wouldn’t). We are both pretty attractive people and i think that also bothers him a lot, he knows all his friends were trynna even when we were together. i just need advice on what to do, especially at this boat party. Trying to convince myself that maybe just getting over him will be easier than a long distance relationship, but it’s hard for me to accept it.
Thanks!

Angela

July 9, 2015 at 2:27 pm

Also just to add, the day after we broke up he was rly rly drunk at a party and was all over me and even took my phone and wrote “i want to get back together throughout it all”. I said I wanted to talk about it when we were both sober and he said he’d feel the same way when he’s sober. —but when we talked about it when we we sober he was not that confident about it

Julie

July 5, 2015 at 8:15 pm

Hi Chris,

I have done the 30 day NC rule and a couple of days after my ex texted me and asked if I would like to have coffee and catch up.

I agreed to meet him (we were on good terms before NC anyway but I wanted to make him really miss me) and we had a really nice time. He flirted with me a tiny bit but gave no real inclination that he wants our relationship again. I just focused on keeping the entire ‘date’ really positive.

I have been implementing your texting strategies from your book, it has been over a week since we met and I’ve texted him twice. Both times I got positive responses from him before cutting the conversation short. He has not initiated any contact yet.

I want to be careful in my situation as he is very sensitive, I am almost sure that he still has feelings for me but he has been very delicate with them since the breakup.

Am I doing the right thing so far in your opinion?

Julie

July 5, 2015 at 8:18 pm

P.S: He broke up with me.

Samantha

June 10, 2015 at 4:49 pm

Hey Chris! I have a suggestion to make – I’m an avid listener of your podcasts and I think this page would be perfect for a podcast. Since you’re explaining a dialogue between two people, I think it would be great to have you reenact the conversations so we can hear it. I would love to hear your tone when you say it.

Chris Seiter

June 18, 2015 at 1:54 pm

Interesting idea.

I may implement that.

BROKEN

June 9, 2015 at 10:39 am

Hi Chris,

My bf broke up with me one month ago, we got into fight and I slapped him, and immediately regretted that. I tried to say sorry, begged, did everything, but his friends and sister called me up and shouted on me. I did not reply back anything to them, as it was my mistake. He said he never wants to be with me and hates me. I have not contacted him since a week on my own, but he has pinged me 3-4 times since then just how I am doing and all. What should I do after NC. We work in the same building.
Me

June 7, 2015 at 1:49 pm

Hey Chris,
So my ex initiated conversation with me a few days back and was flirting like crazy. He told me he now was single and that he missed me and missed how great I was. We haven’t talked this weekend but we are planing on hanging out tomorrow.
I don’t know if it is real. Idk if he actually wants what I want.
April

June 3, 2015 at 1:59 pm

Hi Chris,
I’m recently single, almost 2 weeks, and I’ve been employing the no contact method. My ex and I dated for almost 4 months, and rarely, if ever, fought. He ended it because in his words ‘I deserve better than him, I deserve someone that can treat me like a princess and can spend more than one day a week with me.’ He’s from another country and is here on a study visa. When we first started dating I told him I understood he had limited time and was (still am) completely understanding of that. We’d also discussed where we would live if we were still together when he had to go and agreed I’d go to his home country because there was more work for me there and I intended on living abroad anyway.
He’d asked me to move in with him when his lease was up, which I accepted. He told me he loved me about a month before he ended things (and again the day before). We met each others parents (his asked me to go back with him and told him I was a keeper, we got along great) everything was going really well. When he ended things it came as being quite out of the blue. He said he still loved me but was doing it for me. He told me he thinks I’m ‘perfect and the one but he doesn’t deserve that’.
We ended up texting each other a couple of days later (before I found your guide) and he told me that he had a tonne on his mind lately and needed to focus on his studying and to be left alone for a little while and said I needed that too. He agreed to get a coffee or something in a few weeks (no intentions, friendly coffee) to stay on good terms. When I was leaving his place, he hugged me tightly for a really long time and kissed my neck which I thought was quite intimate for a break up.
I feel like I’m getting mixed signals just from the break up. I’m also not sure how long I should keep NC as its his birthday on the 21st day. I bought him something before he ended things for it and I’d still like for him to have it because I think it could remind him of a highlight in our relationship.
I’m sorry this is long, and if it repeats itself. I always think it’s good to have all the story.

What advice can you give me? Thank you so much, you’re a legend!
M.

June 2, 2015 at 5:45 pm

Hi! I went on a date with a guy and he was very clear and honest with me, from what he said I got that he doesn’t really want a relantionship but just have a good time. He speaks to me on fb sometimes but just in a friendly tone..I’m wondering is there a way of ”changing” his mind and make him actually want a relantionship with me??he’s 4 years older than me..about 28.. It’s a good age to settle down but he told me that at some point he lived together with a girl but they broke up..from what I undertood that must have been at least a year ago,But now I can’t even make him ask me a second date! any hopes? What can i do?

M.

June 4, 2015 at 6:50 pm

one and only time we went on a date yes he did..when we were at his Car but I stopped him when he got further than kissing cause I needed to expain some things like that I’m not ‘experienced’..That’s then when he told me that he just wants to have a good time and that he doesn’t want to put pressure on me,that he doesn’t see it like anybody is taking advantage of the other..I really liked him cause it’s the First time I kiss someone that’s as good as my ex ..so we continued without having sex..But now it’s been weeks since we talked..What I do so wrong??
M.

June 3, 2015 at 6:33 pm

the one and only time we went on a date yes he did..when we were at his Car but I stopped him when he got further than kissing cause I needed to expain some things like that I’m not ‘experienced’..That’s then when he told me that he just wants to have a good time and that he doesn’t want to put pressure on me,that he doesn’t see it like anybody is taking advantage of the other..I really liked him cause it’s the First time I kiss someone that’s as good as my ex ..so we continued without having sex..But now it’s been weeks since we talked..What I do so wrong??
Chris Seiter

June 3, 2015 at 5:01 pm

Does he ever try to get physical with you?

Kissing?

Sex?

Anythign like that?

Brooke

May 30, 2015 at 2:11 am

Hi!
So I thought I would give you feedback on what a success your advice has been-as if you didn’t already know. So I started dating this guy back in November. Things were going fairly well. He was interested in seeing more of me. We went to a christmas party where he met my friends…again all went well. Right around Christmas and New years is when things came to a halt. He was less interested, didn’t want to make plans, and not really responsive.

When it came to “the talk” he claimed he liked me, but just wasn’t ready for a relationship. So, naturally, I sent him an email that said in a nutshell I am looking for something more than what is going on and I wished him well. This was back in February.

There has been no contact, I mean zero, for about 3 solid months.

A few days ago, I get a text from this guy with an apology regarding how he treated me. He says he reached out to me because he liked all the qualities about me and wanted to see how things were going. He also stated that he wants to “reconnect”.

I have seen a few changes in the few texting conversations we have had.

I have followed some of your rules like end the conversation on a high note, slowly leading into texting more, and keeping him intrigued.

Not only has he apologized, but he also set a date 5 days in advance! He explained that where he was at in the past is no longer where he is at now.

I feel like although I was not purposely doing a no contact, it seemed to work in my favor. I am thinking that just maybe things will be completely different this time around!

Regardless of the outcome, I just thought I would share some positive feedback!

Thanks for all that you do!!!!

Brooke

Chris Seiter

June 2, 2015 at 2:52 am

SWEETTT!

Super glad that you contacted me.

This made my day.

M.

May 27, 2015 at 8:55 pm

I went on a date with a guy and he was very clear and honest with me, from what he said I got that he doesn’t really want a relantionship but just have a good time. He speaks to me on fb sometimes but just in a friendly tone..I’m wondering is there a way of ”changing” his mind and make him actually want a relantionship with me??he’s 4 years older than me..about 28.. It’s a good age to settle down but he told me that at some point he lived together with a girl but they broke up..from what I undertood that must have been at least a year ago,But now I can’t even make him ask me a second date! any hopes? What can i do?
Bella

May 25, 2015 at 10:58 am

Hi, Chris. My boyfriend of a year broke up with me 2 months ago. He claims were are too different and grew apart. I successfully completed NC for 35 days and reached out through text. He isn’t much of a texter,

Chris Seiter

June 2, 2015 at 2:24 am

What is he more of then?

A Facebooker?

Caller?
Bella

May 25, 2015 at 11:05 am

He isn’t much of texter, but the conversation went well and I kept it short. A few days later, I texted him again recommending a movie and kept the conversation a little longer, but his interest seemed to decline, so I ended it. About 3 days later, I called him to meet up, but he was at work and said he would call me after he was done. He called the same day, but claimed he was busy and didn’t want to rush our meeting. Assuming that was code for “no”, I told him to let me know when he was free and he surprised me by giving two specific days right then. He said he would call to confirm once he knew his work schedule later in the week. The first day he suggested is tomorrow and he hasn’t called me back. Is this a sign that he doesn’t want to meet? If he truly forgot, is it wise to pursue someone who thinks I’m not even worth remembering?

Candy

May 21, 2015 at 1:16 pm

Him

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. He says he needs to find himself as he was destroyed when his ex-wife cheated on him. He says he has not been himself, he is struggling to be successful at work and feels inadequate as I earn more and have a good job. We are both 33 and we are happy when we do not talk about the future but he just cannot give me the security of marriage or children in the future, he can’t even talk about it. He left saying I deserved better and that he was holding me back as he cannot offer me what I want yet. I am heart broken, can’t do nc as he texts every 2 days. He says he wants me to be there when he wants a relationship n says he loves me n misses me but that he has to do thison his own to find his spark back. He says he won’t date as it’s not why we broke up but he admitted going on dating sites to chat to girls after I ignored him for 2 days. I feel that if I ignore him, he will look for someone else. Really want to wait for him to commit but I am also thinking of going back to france (where I am from) n sell my flat in 6 months so told him he had 6 months to sort himself out. I am so confused n miss him all the time as we live together. I feel no contact will push him to date…ps. We are meeting next week for coffee n other than miss u n love u, no flirting back though I tried!

Candy

May 22, 2015 at 10:39 am

What do you think I should do? We are meeting in a week…been in touch every 2 days as he owes me money and he is keeping me updated on that. Still says he misses me n loves me but not sure if he is just being nice…thanks!

M.

May 19, 2015 at 6:15 pm

I went on a date with a guy and he was very clear and honest with me, from what he said I got that he doesn’t really want a relantionship but just have a good time. He speaks to me on fb sometimes but just in a friendly tone..I’m wondering is there a way of ”changing” his mind and make him actually want a relantionship with me??he’s 4 years older than me..about 28.. It’s a good age to settle down but he told me that at some point he lived together with a girl but they broke up..from what I undertood that must have been at least a year ago,,But now I can’t even make him ask me a second date.. any hopes?
Samantha

May 18, 2015 at 6:31 pm

Hey Chris, love the new design! This article is one of my favorites because I’ve had to initiate the relationship talk several times now but I’m running into a pattern of behavior I’m unable to break. I’ve been broke up with my ex for 8 months now and we’ve been following this pattern: We don’t speak to or see each other for awhile (I admit, not a full 30 days but we go for periods of silence). Then one of us reaches out to the other – we build attraction through texts – we start meeting up – the chemistry and connection is palpable and I ask him if he’s ready to give this a fresh start. Every time, he says he needs to think about it! Then a week goes by… maybe 2-3 weeks. We finally meet up and he says he’s not ready for a serious commitment. Then we repeat the cycle. This has happened 3 times already. The last time this happened, he told me he just didn’t feel like he had the time or emotional capacity for a serious relationship until this August (3 months away) because of his residency board exams (he’s a doctor in a residency program). He said he wanted to be able to do what he wanted during his little free time, and that he knows I wouldn’t be okay with seeing him once in 2-3 weeks. He even went on a date with a girl he met at a bar and told me he found it “refreshing” and it only enforced his feelings of wanting to date other people. I thought this was incredibly selfish! This time around, I made a concerted effort to show him I’ve moved on but he seems to want to hold on.

It has now been 2 months and after re-building that connection through text message, I asked to meet him for lunch. During lunch, he constantly made references to our past relationship, we joked around and laughed and he told me he didn’t feel like any time had passed at all. I asked him if he felt like we had potential to something more in August and he said “He didn’t know if we would go back to dating for sure come August, but let’s see what happens then.” He added that he felt like we were both in the same places in our lives where we were focusing on our careers and ourselves, and had busy schedules keeping other parts of our lives on hold. I told him I wasn’t putting my life on hold for him, but I wanted an open conversation with him about the future. He just said “Let’s see”.

I am at a loss because of the number of times this cycle has happened. Every time we reach the point of making a decision, he says he needs more time to think about it – but he always ends up saying he needs more time or wants to be alone “right now” but that it’s “possible in the future”. Chris, am I not asking him for a relationship the right away? Should I be more straightforward? I don’t know how to break out of this pattern we’ve been in for 8 months now.
haha

May 18, 2015 at 3:34 pm

Hi chris i think i messed up tonight. It was day 29 of nc and something embarrassing happened and i panicked and didnt know who to ask for help and texted him. This is how it went:
Me: are you sleeping?
Him: no not yet
Me: something embarrassing happened and i didn’t know who to text! Sorry if i woke you up
Him: did something happen?
Me: I texted you because i got so scared but i will try to handle this situation myself!!good night!
Him: Okay, text me if you can’t , i will help you. But i know you can.

Did i ruin everything? What should i do? He wouldve aksed me if i was okay if he was really waiting for my text or put some exclamation points here and there but he didnt. What do you think is going on in his mind right now? Please help me. Do i even have a chance?

Haha

May 22, 2015 at 7:03 am

I was thinking nc of 1week. Am I rushing this??
haha

May 21, 2015 at 1:49 am

Should i go for another nc? If so, for how long??
Chris Seiter

May 21, 2015 at 3:51 pm

What do you think is ideal in your situation?

I want to ask you?
haha

May 18, 2015 at 3:43 pm

At the end of the conversation he said “i think you can” instead of “i know you can”

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171 thoughts on “How To Ask Your Ex Boyfriend To Be In A Relationship With You”