It is one of the worst feelings in the world when everything in your relationship goes through a complete turnaround. One moment it’s fine, the next he is pushing you away. At first you try to convince yourself that it is temporary, something you could get past.
You tell yourself that you just need to do more, that he will see what a good girlfriend you are and then he will love you more. No matter what you do, he keeps pushing you away. Now that the relationship has ended, you are left wondering what the heck happened with several unresolved questions:
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Where did I go wrong?
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Was he going through something I’m not aware of?
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Is there something I could have done?
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Why the heck do guys push girls away?
Most of all, you’re left wondering what you can do to get him back after he pushed you away.
Well, the questions stop right here, right now!
The 4 Fastest Ways To Get A Guy Back After He Pushed You Away
You want your guy back and you want him back fast. Well, you’ve come to the right place.
Some of these ways will go against what feels natural so much so that when you first read them, you might think I’m totally out of my mind.
I promise, I’m not.
We are going to dissect each one of these one by one in detail. When we finished you will have every bit of knowledge you need to succeed/.
Are you ready?
Okay.
Here’s a quick overview of what we are going to cover.
- Understanding Why Men Push You Away
- Giving Your Man Some Space: Believe it
- Creating Scarcity, Urgency and Fear of Loss
- Being Direct and Handling Confrontation
Let’s dive right in, shall we?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz#1: Fully Understand Why Men Push You Away
I’ll let you in on a secret, men really hate to talk about our reasons behind our actions, why we do things, what we are thinking.
Honestly, most of the time we don’t even know. We don’t put that much, or often any, thought into why we doe the things we do. Or we do know but we don’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth.
However, understanding why a man pushes you away requires that we dive into these reasons why a guy might push you away. I didn’t think you’d believe just me, so I asked 1o guys one questions,
“Why is it that men push women away?”
The results, were very honest and at times even harsh.
Most of the responses were similar and had a common theme.
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Being annoying (texting/calling all the time, wanting to hang out all the time, etc.)
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Crying too much
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Fighting too much
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Being too clingy
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Being too controlling
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Being too negative
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Asking too much or moving too fast
Do you see it?
All of these reasons have one thing in common.
We are going to call these “Too Qualities.”
Each one is too much of something.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo what does this tell you? Men push you away when they are feeling smothered by something. This happens when they feel like they are not getting enough of what they want out of a relationship and instead are working overtime to try to keep up with your “Too Qualities.”
When it gets to this point, this is likely when a guy will start to push you away.
Be honest with yourself. Did you have any “Too Qualities” that could have made your ex boyfriend want to push you away?
If so, to get your ex boyfriend back, you’re going to have to become aware of these and make a change that so your ex boyfriend doesn’t feel so smothered and won’t feel the need to push you away.
#2: Give Your Man Some Space
When a guy starts to push you away, you can feel it.
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He stops calling as much.
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He doesn’t make plans as often.
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He wants to hang out with his friends more.
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He becomes too busy to respond to some of your texts.
Trust me, when it happens you feel it. You might have tried to convince yourself that it’s not happening, but eventually you will come to realize that there is distance where there wasn’t any before. This is where you start to wonder where things really started to go wrong.
Sometimes your reaction to a guy pushing you away will actually make him push you away even more.
For most women, when a guy starts to push them away, it is only natural to want figure out what the problem is and try to fix it. You care about the relationship and want that gnawing sense that you’re losing him to go away.
Holding on tighter will almost always cause him to push you away more. Giving your guy some space will always feel counter-intuitive.
I know what you’re thinking… “Uh, what?!”
Let’s walk through why this makes sense.
You should give your ex boyfriend space after a breakup regardless. It allows you time to get your emotions in check and him time to realize he’s made a mistake by letting you slip away. If you don’t know what No Contact is or want to read more about it, check it out here!
Now, let’s talk about why giving your guy some space is so important when he is pushing you away. He may not even realize it but he is telling you something when he does this.
Of course he’s not just going to come right out and tell you that you are doing something that bothers him or that he needs some space. That would be too easy.
You know that old saying?
“Actions speak louder than words.”
Well, it’s perfectly applicable here. What he does speaks volumes over what he doesn’t say.
I know the idea of “space” may cause some of you to panic.
Don’t worry, giving space isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Even in the most successful relationships the need for space is normal. There are a number of reasons why a guy made need space where you did nothing wrong.
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Pressure at work
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Problems with family
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Missing his friends
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Being stressed out
However, there are also a few things you may have done that may have prompted his need for space. This takes us back to the “Too Qualities.”
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Being clingy
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Being controlling
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Moving too fast
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Spending too much time together
Think about it. Was there something happening that that could have made him want space?
To get him back you are going to have to show him that whatever it was, it won’t be a problem any more. The easiest way to do that is by giving him the space that he needed in the first place.
Here’s a video we made covering the basics of creating successful No Contact results.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizDuring this time, your ex boyfriend’s negative thoughts and feelings towards you will me replaced with thoughts of missing you.
Once you get back in contact with him after your No Contact,you can then show him that you support him by avoiding the issues we talked about earlier.
#3: Create Scarcity, Urgency and Fear of Loss
When you’re in a relationship it is only natural for you to get used to giving your boyfriend a lot of attention and spending a lot of time with him.
In the same manner, he is used to having you in his life and feeling like a priority. It is only natural that following a break up, your ex boyfriend still thinks that you want him in your life as a priority.
Creating urgency and a fear of losing you is going to make your ex boyfriend question whether he still “has” you.
In fact, I take that back. Creating scarcity and urgency will make your ex boyfriend aware that that the doesn’t “have” you anymore and will have him chasing validation from you in no time.
#3 involves mastering three very important concepts:
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Scarcity
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Urgency
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Fear of Loss
The details of the video above will clarify more on these points. But let’s talk about this further.
Scarcity means that you are rarely available and you must make your ex believe that you are one of a kind and cannot be replaced. Urgency means that you are going to make your ex think that he should recommit to you as soon as he can or otherwise he might lose you forever, which is Fear of Loss.
When you put these three concepts together, you are going to create a cocktail that will make your ex realize that he needs to recommit immediately otherwise he is going to lose something very rare.
Ah! Scary, right?
Exactly!
Now, imagine his view on this. His observation will be amplified more than yours, because he thinks that you’ll chase after him. He’s entitled.
Let’s first talk about why this works and then I will give you a couple of things you can do to put these things into action.
Scarcity is a concept that relates to the supply and demand. We tend to value things more when they are more scarce and in high demand. We are willing to do more to obtain things that are scarce that we know other people want. Right?
Here’s a practical example. Think about the new iPhone. Every single time iPhone releases a new model they put this into reality. Apple knows that a whole lot of people are going to want the new iPhone. People know this but they also know that there won’t be enough iPhone’s upfront for everyone to get one right then and there. You see, only a certain number of people can get the new iPhone on the day it is released. Everyone else ends up on back-order.
Right?
So how the heck does all of this relate to relationships?!
I’m getting there!
Your first step is going to be to make yourself seem really scarce. You are the new iPhone. You want to be rare and one of a kind.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizMake yourself scarce by not being too available. You’re going to make your ex boyfriend work for your attention!
Do a proper No Contact following the break up. Let him chase you a bit by not initiating every conversation. Don’t be available for last minute dates. You get the idea!
The second part of this is you’re going to change the demand. Remember from above: we tend to value things that are more scarce and in high demand.
You’re going to have to put yourself in high demand or at least make your ex boyfriend think that you are in high demand. You do this by filling your time.
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Go out with your friends
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Take up a new hobby that you’ve always wanted to try
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Create new activities to keep yourself busy
This is going to play hand in hand with creating urgency and fear of loss. Once your ex boyfriend starts to see that you are rare and in high demand, he is going to want start to want your attention back.
To increase this effect, you are going to use Urgency and Fear of Loss to your advantage. To create a sense of urgency you need to get your ex boyfriend thinking that if he doesn’t get your attention back now, he may lose you forever.
There is one very simply but very scary thing you can do.
Go on other dates.
Yes, I said that.
Let me say that again.
Go on dates with other people.
This will show him that you are wanted by other people and he’ll realize the possibility that you could hit it off with someone on a date. He might lose you forever.
You show your ex boyfriend how scarce you will be and that you are not afraid of moving on by lightly documenting your new activities on social media. It will get back to your ex boyfriend that you’ve gone on a few dates.
I can tell you one thing for certain.
Exes will ALWAYS check in on you and see whwat you are up to.
#4: Direct Confrontation
Alright, alright, alright. Perhaps you’ve reached the end of this article and you don’t feel that any of the tactics above are impressive you. You are looking for a more direct way to tackle the issue.
That can be found in a direct confrontation.
Let’s talk about when a direct confrontation is appropriate, the pros and cons of a direct confrontation, and how to do this properly.
A direct confrontation is something I wouldn’t advise often. Only in only about 5% of cases.
What does this tell you? You should only use this Fast Way if you truly don’t think any of the other Fast Ways will work for you or if you’ve already tried them out and they just aren’t working for you.
A direct confrontation can be really attractive in some cases. It has the potential to show your ex boyfriend that pushing you away is not an appropriate way to communicate and you can’t be walked all over. Asserting your needs in a relationship and allowing him to step up to the plate to meet them sets up the potential for an open dialogue about what each of you is currently lacking and needs moving forward.
So what can go wrong? It sounds like an awesome option!
I call this tactic The Fast Way.
Often The Fast Way is also the sloppy way. It carries the risk of causing your ex boyfriend to shut down or pushing your ex boyfriend away further.
This is why it is so important that a direct confrontation is done correctly.
How do you do this, you ask?
I’ll tell you!
There are two key things you can do to ensure that a direct confrontation has the best chance at success:
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Know the reason he was pushing you away.
This is pretty self explanatory. You have to know the reason that your ex boyfriend was pushing you away in the first place. Why is this so important?
You cannot directly confront him about why he was pushing you away without knowing why he was pushing you away in the first place. Right?
You must be confident that you know why he was pushing you away. Don’t just guess a reason. If you don’t know, don’t directly confront him.
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Have a solution to the problem ready and show him you’re serious about it!
Once you’ve figured out why he was pushing you away, you’re going to have to figure out what you can do to change that and how how to show him that has changed. For example, if you were too clingy and controlling by getting upset when he wanted to hang out with his friends. Perhaps you kept interrupting by texting him a lot You’re going to have to tell him and then show him that you’re okay with him spending time with his friends and not text him when you know he’s hanging out with them.
When confronting him, you’re going to include this in your confrontation.
You know what, let me just show you what I mean.
What does a good direct confrontation look like?
About a week ago, I had the opportunity to help a client directly confront her ex boyfriend. It went awesome! Prior to confronting him, we talked at length about the reasons she thought he was pushing her away and being distant and also what she could say and do to present a solution and show him that those factors had changed.
After reflecting, she concluded that he pushed her away because she was too clingy when he was working and needed to focus on work.
Her solution was that moving forward she wouldn’t text him as much at work and in fact would end conversations first so he would have to text her first while at work; not the other way around.
Here is what she said when she confronted him:
Hi John –
You’re busy with work and that needs to be your priority. I don’t want you to feel pressured while working to message me and I’m sorry if you felt that way. I hope you’re doing well & I’m so proud of you!
Do you see how she was able to directly confront the issue, provide a solution, and end the confrontation on a positive note? That is exactly what a direct confrontation message should look like! In this case, John texted her back a very positive message and they have been in contact since. This formula is the best way to improve your chances of a direct confrontation going well.
Let’s Wrap It Up
Alright my friends, I’m about to set you free so you can start applying what we’ve talked about. Let’s just recap this one last time though.
He pushed you away That sucks but you are now armed with some serious tools to get him back including the 4 Fastest Ways To Get a Guy Back That Pushed You Away. So do not panic!
These ways are:
1. Fully Understand Why Men Push You Away – Guys will push you away typically because of your ” Too Qualities” something and they feel a bit overwhelmed by it. Understanding the exact reason why your guy pushed you away will help you get him back.
2. Give Your Man Some Space – By pushing you away in the first place, you guy was telling you that he needed space with his actions so giving your ex boyfriend some space can only help.
3. Create Scarcity, Urgency and Fear of Loss – Ultimately trying to get a guy back who pushed you away is simply a function of making him regret his decision. When it comes to regret there are three key concepts you need to achieve. Scarcity, Urgency and Fear of Loss
4. Direct Confrontation – At times, it can be a really attractive quality to assert yourself and directly confrontation of the issue. This is a tricky method that should only be used if you are confident that you know his reason for pushing you away in the first place and you feel that you have a solution that you are ready to present. Tread lightly.
Best of luck! Let me know how it goes in the comments below!
null
November 18, 2021 at 4:02 pm
My boyfriend of 1 year just broke up with me saying that he needs time for himself to grow, self reflect, and figure out what he wants in life. I feel that my clingy ways, calling obsessively, rushing the relationship, and being negative has pushed him away. I really love him. He says he still loves me but needs time to himself.
Anouk
October 13, 2021 at 10:30 am
Hi. My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, he said that he lost feelings for me and does not see a future for us together. Furthermore he said he thinks he can‘t give me as much as I was giving him. I do not really believe his reasons, because shortly before we broke up he was under a lot of stress and told me that our relationship was stressing him. I actually think it was like that for a long time before but I never realised that he needed space and was way too clingy and pushed him further away by that. For him it seemed very much done with us but he agreed to have a chat so I can explaint my view to him. I think I really understud the reasons and dynamics why he pushed me away and want to tell him how I think we can fix our problems. Do you think this will work or has he really just lost feelings for me?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 10, 2022 at 7:58 pm
Hi Anouk, so this conversation you want to have with your ex about how you think you can “fix” things is not a good idea, you need to allow your ex to have some time away from you just to see how he truly feels. I would say that the best thing you can do is let him go, follow the no contact rule for a month and allow that space to give you a chance to show him that you are not clingy, needy or going to contact him all the time. Having a conversation about you know your mistakes, and how it can change is not going to get him back it is going to confirm that you needed to convince him to be with you.
Kathryn
October 3, 2020 at 6:59 am
Hi I just found this so helpful as the man I was seeing has suddenly stopped reading texts after I pushed the relationship too far, I’m giving him space I thought he would block or unfriend me but he has not so I hope that is a good sign
Varaidzo
September 27, 2020 at 6:09 am
Wel but what if your ex pushed you away by blocking you on whatsap almost 2 months now .and you attend the same church and last sunday being my first day to see him after he blocked me.after church this guy was walking the moment he saw me he walked to fast to the exeleters and went.
Jen
September 4, 2020 at 1:16 am
Hi guys,
I and my ex spent 3 years tgt, living 2 years tgt loving each other compassionately. We broke up because of my emotional , job pressure And we dont know where we go in the future.
and he said he is tired to make me feel happy. He just wanna stay friends with me but i dont want, how to rekindle romance after staying friends? I ll be happy when i fix all my problems, I find that he still cares abt me even i know it is a friend way, i hope i know a strategy. I can fix all my problems
but i cannot control at the end what he wants, i feel hopeless. Any ideas? He always end the conversation by have a great day.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 10, 2020 at 8:55 pm
Hey Jen you need to be the one ending conversations at their peak, to get him chasing you and wanting to talk to you more. Leaving him at the peak is going to make him chase you over time.
Ali
July 23, 2020 at 3:38 pm
Hi I need some help please! After I was forced to leave my boyfriend (because he couldn’t tell me he loved me anymore) I started the 30 day NC, after 3 weeks he reached out via phone and cried for hours, we spent some time together over a few days, and I pleaded for him back, he said we would but in time, and since then he’s been very distant and cold, I called things off and he didn’t seem bothered, I recently went NC for another week but when I reached out with a light hearted message he was very cold, don’t know what to do next, is this a lost cause or can I save this?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 24, 2020 at 11:18 pm
Hey Ali, you need to complete a full 30 days solid. I think your ex needs to feel that they may have lost you because at this moment they know they can get you back together if they wanted to
Deb
July 12, 2020 at 7:32 pm
Hi, My ex broke up with me because he just graduated from college and does not have a job yet. He told me he thinks I’m wonderful, deserve the best, thinking of me often, and will constantly pray for me. He says he is not sure if he is capable of giving me the best (though he says he is striving for it) and that he feels he doesn’t meet my standards and isn’t sure he is going to get there. (Mind you, he was making improvements to himself while we were together and if I had thought he didn’t meet standards, I never would’ve asked him out in the first place–though I never told him that.) He says until he can get a full-time job, he doesn’t feel “confident enough to bring anyone into his surroundings.” He had become distant and apologized for ignoring me a little bit. I knew when he told me this that he was pushing me away. I am currently not contacting him, but last Wednesday was my birthday and he sent me a text. I replied with a simple “thank you,” and left it that. From my perspective, I feel that he is just overwhelmed with finding a job and feels embarrassed not to have one yet and it was easier to push me away than try to balance a relationship and job search. My hypothesis is that once he starts getting settled in a job and making income, that he might come back around as his confidence will go as his opinion of me is still positive. I know that’s not a guarantee though. Should I just leave him alone even after a long no contact time period until he secures a job? I know with the pandemic and economy it might be a long while…
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 5, 2020 at 11:31 am
Hi Deb, I would suggest that you work on yourself in this time showing your ex that you do not need to be with him for financial reasons! Read about being Ungettable and work on your Holy Trinity. While he looks for work make sure that you are working on yourself in that time. Reach out to your ex after 30 days of No Contact.
Lisa
July 3, 2020 at 5:25 pm
So I met a guy and very quickly became close. We fell for each other very quickly and tried to see each other as much as we could. I had just got out of a marriage and so our relationship needed to be secret to protect myself during the divorce process. He struggled with being the secret and I understand that. He gave me a key to his house and was asking me to move in with him, which I wasn’t ready for at that point but I was excited of the thought it could and would happen one day. He has now asked for a break as we cannot fully be together right now, he is not in a good head space and I am still going through my divorce. He says he won’t rule anything out in the future but equally this is the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with. He admitted he was scared of how quick the relationship was progressing however it was not me pushing it. I want him back as he is amazing and made me happier than I’ve ever been in a relationship. What can I do? He still contacts me but it’s now very brief.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 26, 2020 at 9:48 am
Hi Lisa, I think the issue is that you are having to hide the relationship because of your divorce and he struggled with that. I would suggest that you get the divorce completed and then attempt to get him back, because before then he is going to feel that he is being kept in the dark and it can cause problems for many people
Katie
May 20, 2020 at 7:33 am
Need some help ASAP
Was seeing a guy long distance and was going amazingly. Messaging every day and all day, had an amazing connection when we meet.
Only a week and a half ago he was saying I was beautiful, easy to be around, was making plans for when lock down is over and then he goes quiet.
Don’t hear anything for a while week and then he comes back and says he’s not ready for a relationship as he’s been hurt before and is scared and needs to find himself.
I don’t know what to do as this has come out of the blue and I don’t want to loSe him. Is he gone for ever 🙁
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 20, 2020 at 2:05 pm
Hi Katie, I would suggest that you complete your NC without reaching out to him again for at least 30 days. Work on your Holy Trinity in that time and plan some reach out texts using Chris articles
Lily
May 8, 2020 at 9:48 pm
Hi i would really like some advice.
My situation is the opposite of this. I found a great guy who wanted to spend so much time with me, we laughed all the time and had great chemistry but i couldnt give him the attention he wanted because of personal issues i had and couldnt explain, i pushed him away gradually, not on purpose but i couldnt stop. He decided he didnt want a relationship with me and we were friends but intimate and he still wanted to do ‘relationship’ stuff though he never admitted thats what it was. I do feel he wanted something genuine in the beginning but i locked him out. My struggle to let him in and the struggle of knowing he was slowly getting disheartened by this and starting to believe this is who i was, well my head got very confused and frustrated. I became non verbal at times, distant and argumentative and never spent time with him. He became convinced we werent meant to be and gradually lost interest in trying to get my attention. We were still friends but when he officially ended it i tried to explain what i felt but couldnt properly, i tried over text and he didnt care and just said he didnt want to anymore and we could just be friends. I said i couldnt and we didnt have contact for well over a month. Weve since gotten back to friendly chats and jokes but its different and i dont think he’ll let me in again, hes determined i can see it. I really want to try be how i wanted to be at the beginning, see if it couldve been something but i think i messed it up too much at the very beginning. He has abandonment and trust issues that stem from childhood and i know he needed someone to trust and be there for him. Im doing what i can to get my head right and i do feel like im getting a hold on things. No matter how i look at things though, i dont want this to be it. Im being positive and upbeat as much as i can and trying to be open and not defensive. Hes always been able to just move on and not get emotional. He acts like things dont hurt him and im starting to believe perhaps he just really doesnt care anymore. Can you give me your thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 19, 2020 at 12:34 pm
Hi Lily, so I would suggest that if you have not done so yet ask yourself if you can be in the relationship that he wants from you. I would then suggest that you read some articles that Chris has written about texting and then from there you work your way up the value ladder. Often when people feel they have been pushed away their guard goes up and it is a case of you gaining that level back gradually. It does not go back over night sadly, that needs to now be worked on
Noel clesceri
May 2, 2020 at 12:13 am
Hello,
My ex broke up with me 2 months ago. I’ve done all the needy things and feel I have pushed him away for good. He sent me this txt yesterday to which I have not responded:
I just wanted to clear the Air, I know our last conversation went south. I wanted to say I am truly Sorry, Sorry that I didnt treat you how I should have been treated. You went above and beyond for me I felt I was there just as much but in hindsight maybe my walls didnt allow me to be 100% their. I never want you to think I didnt Love you I do and did. When i left i had every intention to fix me and us but as time went by i didnt see it, I wanted to but our dynamic wasnt there. I wish I could heal us sadly I dont think we could have. I know your going to move on & So will I just know I will look back and cherish our time together.
Do I respond? I don’t want to lose him but don’t know if NC is the way to go 🙁
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 6, 2020 at 9:45 pm
Hi Noel, yes No Contact is the way to go and it is essential in this process that you complete it without breaking it.
Heather
April 18, 2020 at 5:16 pm
Hi. I’m not sure I’m reading my situation correctly. About a month ago, my bf started pulling away. He slowly started texting and seeing me less. I followed your advice and stayed silent for about 3 days. After 3 days of NC, he showed up at my house angry. I explained I was giving him the space that he seemed to want by not talking to me. I told him I was letting him go bc that’s what it seemed he wanted and that I promised myself to never stick around where it seemed I wasn’t wanted. I wouldn’t ask someone to like me. He said I should’ve talked to him, we needed to communicate, and he didn’t want to quit on us. We’ve been back together for a few weeks and he’s starting pulling away again. I’m now uncertain what I should do. Idk if I’m making things worse by staying silent or if I should ask him what’s wrong. I don’t want to mess up. Should I stay silent? Please, help!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 25, 2020 at 5:33 pm
Hi Heather, as you are together I would say that your approach is going to have to be calm and cool but point out that you havent heard from him by the end of the day and that you hope he is ok. You are not broken up but as you say he is pulling back he knows you are not going to chase based on the last time this happened. He could just go through phases where he is not feeling great. But I would not NC completely as relationships work both ways
Ivy
December 18, 2019 at 11:24 am
Hi! My boyfriend broke up with me 1 month ago and I ended up being needy and gnatting him for quite a period of time. He said that he’s tired of trying that hard in our relationship and he’s not feeling happy anymore, but he didn’t tell exactly what made him tired or what words from him I’ve missed out during the relationship. He just blamed me for not being aware of that and also said it’s the problem with his personality. I didn’t know about his feelings not until he broke up with me as he rarely opened up. He refused to communicate with me about the relationship and started ignoring me and pushing me away by saying something mean. I then wrapped up things by saying what I thought the problem might be, apologizing, thanking him and wishing him the best.
I’ve started no contact for 28 days already, and he didn’t reach out to me. As recommended by your team, I should do a 45-day NC as I almost begged him back and I have to shock him on his birthday which is the 30th day of NC, and give him some real space and real silence.
However, this Christmas will also be our anniversary and I’m not sure if I should stop the NC rule earlier. He is still feeling sad as seen from his Instagram, and he is also very stubborn.
After the NC should I do a direct confrontation, or send him some light messages, without mentioning what he thinks about our relationship instead?
Thank you so much.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 22, 2019 at 5:02 pm
I would go to 45 days no contact as you admitted you begged and gnatted for quite some time! It gives you more time to work on yourself and become the Ungettable girl. Do not send any messages about the relationship the break up or emotional conversations at all. When you reach out to him, you need to be happy and interesting. The message needs to be focused on his interests to get him wanting to talk to you and you need to keep the conversation short, and end it first, NOT HIM
Olivia
December 3, 2019 at 9:49 am
Hi, my boyfriend told me he needed space. I gave him space for like three days and end up gnatting on him. So I start over with the no contact period with him. I get it he is stressed because he is busy with assignments and tests. (he’s in degree right now) So I was thinking of having a direct confrontation with him when our busy weeks are over. I was thinking of secretly come to his place or should I inform him about it? Im afraid he doesnt even want to meet me. Should I even do a direct confrontation?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 6, 2019 at 6:24 pm
Hi Olivia so you definitely need to complete a full no contact and work on yourself in that time and under no circumstances do you just drop by on him when hes asked for space this would not end well for you. Reach out via text or messenger how ever you would normally communicate with a friendly message
Wendy
October 23, 2019 at 1:28 am
Hey Chris.
So my ex and I were together for a year. We met when I was 19 years old and he was 20. Young I know.
At the time we were both college students. Eventually he got suspended from school because his GPA was low. He still lived in an apartment off campus though as I lived on campus for my job. So the distance was none. I would visit a lot and even stay nights, weekends, you get it.
Then over the summer his lease ended and he had to move back home (40 minutes from my college town where I live now in an apartment off campus). He’s been focused on landing a government type law enforcement job even while he was in school. So he started focusing on his career while I was in school.
During the summer break, I had to go back home for a whole month which is 4 hours away. Towards the end of it he wanted to call it quits. The distance was getting to him and he mentioned we had been arguing more frequently.
I begged. I pleaded. The breakup wasn’t really even a breakup. The night he wanted to end it, I said I would drive and meet him in person to talk things out. A day passed and he thought it over. Once we met up he said he regretted his decision, was impulsive with his decision and we got back together. We also brought up any future concerns we might have like our difference in parenting styles and dealing with a long distance relationship. We said as long as we work on our communication, then that was good. That was August 1st.
We had celebrated our one year anniversary recently in late September and even went on the date that mimicked our first date as a cute thing. Then almost 2 weeks later he breaks up with me.
For context, he has been working 2 jobs, dealing with his parents possible divorce, failed becoming a border patrol agent and is now pursing being a police officer. I’m still pursuing my career in film and live 40 minutes away from him still as he lives at home. We had not seen each other for nearly 2 weeks because of how busy he has been.
The two days before our breakup, he mentioned how he got his credit card to help him build good credit which he needs in order to apply and be a police officer. He made a comment about how we can now have dinner dates (essentially making time for me) because of the credit card. That same night our parenting styles came up again and it brought us to a breaking point that our styles are completely different.
He would be authoritarian because he has grown up as a military brat. Myself would be authoritative. I essentially said I didn’t want an authoritarian spouse (my father was this way and is an alcoholic. Emotionally damaging and I made it aware very early on in the relationship I am still working through those harsh feelings I have towards my father). My ex says he will be authoritarian but the way he said some things made it sound like he wouldn’t be (caring, understanding) but also had the “my way or the high way” military attitude. He sounded like he just doesn’t know which makes sense cause we’re young.
Parenting styles seem like very early on for a 20 and 21 year old to worry about, especially since I’m not pregnant, yet it was something that he said is something we would constantly argue about in the future it seems.
I mistakenly wrote him an essay (knowing he was busy and couldn’t find time to talk to me in person about our differences) and the essay apparently made him decide that we needed to grow as separate people, then maybe try later in life. He said we need to let go and if it’s meant to be then we’ll come back together eventually.
He didn’t just say “let’s try later in life” once. It was multiple times. Saying we just aren’t working out right now, but maybe later.
I am doing no contact. I started it immediately and then a couple days later he had to pick up his stuff. I went in, got out and left almost angry I feel because I was at that stage grieving our relationship; also, because he acted completely normal when picking up his stuff, very opposite from how I was feeling. I felt completely blindsided that we were talking about going on dinner dates and then broke up days later. He even said over text (how we broke up) that he was not gonna change his mind about the break up.
As soon as I dropped his stuff off in his trunk, I turned and left. Got my keys from my apartment and drove off. He watched me drive away.
Then I caved and called him like 10 minutes later feeling guilty for acting angry and not saying “I wish you well”. So I called. He didn’t answer. I texted “hey did you want your poster back?” (which I knew was just a gift but I caved. Ugh). And he said I could keep it or throw it away. So I said “okay” and have since been good about the no contact. It’s been a week.
I know I need to focus on myself and I am. Taking film opportunities and working on my emotions. Being hyper aware of who I am. Every now and then reevaluate what went wrong with my ex cause I feel like I don’t have closure, but aware I still need 3 more weeks to grow and become that Ungettable girl.
He needs space to focus on his career. He mentioned that. The issue is he won’t be starting the academy until June 2020. Clearly way after the 30 day no contact. He might even still have the same 2 job, parents possibly divorcing issues 30 days later. Even 45 days later to the farthest extent of a no contact.
I guess I am just wondering if I should truly let him go and see how he is after he gets into the academy or stick with the 30 day no contact. It feels like he pushed me away because he needs to focus on himself, so do I give him that space longer than the 30 days and let him kickstart his career?
I know we’re young. But he isn’t the type of guy to text an ex girlfriend. He’s stubborn. I know I will have to initiate after no contact. He even unfollowed me on everything. But do I even bother initiating if he might not be ready because his career hasn’t started and hasn’t moved out of his parent’s house yet? On top of this my concern is how I’m still in school but will be graduating in May 2020. Right before he joins the academy. I love him and support him and want him to succeed but I also love being with him. We make each other happy and push each other to be the best. But he pushed me away instead. Maybe I’m too optimistic and determined and know in my heart how we are together, so that’s why I need advice. I’m 100 percent going to continue with no contact, but the issue is how long of a no contact…?
Hopefully my question helps young couples. I see a lot of situations with couples who have their lives together. Just wanted a take on my younger relationship. Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 24, 2019 at 9:12 pm
Hi Wendy – so I think your lives are going in different directions career wise but it doesnt mean you cant be together it just honestly takes work to keep it together if this is the paths you are both choosing. Coming from experience as my partner is a police officer, and we have been together since I was 16 and I am 31 now. It honestly takes work and it is hard. But you also need him to be willing to do that work too and if he isnt, then it is going to be a case of you trying to be Ungettable and posting on social media so he feels like he is missing out with you not in his life anymore, you need to be the upmost Ungettable Girl you can be for him to think, ” I need to get her back” but keep with your NC and reach out in a month and see what happens going on plan, but I know police training is very hard on their stress and mental being so they do get exhausted from training too
Kate
August 9, 2019 at 1:53 pm
Hi Chris
What does it mean when a guy needs to think about your relationship, needs space, but panics about the relationship and runs away to another partner, telling you to move on, it’s over. He tells me a mixture of reasons in ended from that it was me, to the situation that ended it. But then wanting to remain friends with you regardless, expresses he finds the break up hard, hurts, is sad because I refused a friendship? Months later, still contacting me but tells me a mixture of reasons he dislikes me, insults me, is very bitter, angry, pretending his life is “good” and he’s moved on? In all my replies I tell him to just say sorry for the way he treats me, that it ended, and to say goodbye. I have even wanted to meet with him to do so. But he doesn’t. Attacks, excuses, anger, denial, sadness, mixed with different emotions occasionally too that are warm. What is going on with this guy? It’s literally been going on for months after the break up. It is like he cannot let go, but doesn’t want me there either. He contacts me at least once a week in this way and I feel possibly my mesaaging back is an excuse to hold on as he was pretty keen on the friendship dymanic after our relationship ended, of which I didn’t want. He says I’ve pushed, tells me to move on, but then isn’t himself. I’ve finally gone full block out on him within the last two weeks, even emails, because his words really hurt, with attacks personally, pushing away, denying what we have, and so on. But he’s there regardless. As much as I say I’m moving on, Im dating new people, I am sorry it ended, he just eggs it in further with attacks, denial of our relationship, and bitterness. Why is this? Are you able to make sense of it? Literally months of this stuff.
Thanks
Emily
July 21, 2019 at 4:54 pm
Hi Chris! I recently stumbled upon your website as I have been hit hard and hurting after a recent break up with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. I have never been happier with this guy and he of course means the world to me. We have had some rocky times throughout the couple of years because I tend to cause issues (drama). I have noticed this more and more after the break up. I nag and bother him about issues that have happened and continue to bring them up instead of moving on. This tends to make him upset and frustrated. The last time we had a talk about breaking up was because I was upset he was spending time with his guy friends and continued to blow up his phone. Recently this past week, I was upset he didn’t come to something I wanted him to. He apologized over text, twice. However, I continued to just be rude and complain in long messages about how it made me feel until I finally upset him enough that he asked for a break on a Monday. I begged, pleaded, and cried. He apologized but ended the conversation with saying he needed to talk to his grandpa for advice and that he would message me later. He also said we should get dinner the next night. Well he was busy and called to reschedule. The next night he stood me up. I called him three days later and he told me he needed to work on himself and wanted to be single to not deal with anyone or anything other than him and his son (who he has with someone else. We’ve been together since his son was born..). I again of course begged and cried. He said if its meant to be it will be and that this doesn’t necessarily mean we couldn’t get back together. I realize now that I was the one who kept pushing him and would be rude over things I didn’t not agree with regarding family and the way they did things. I also lacked trust which caused me to check up on him. We have made so many memories and both him and his son mean the world to me. I don’t even know where to start. It has been almost 2 full days since he called it quits. I want to tell him that I understand why now and that I definitely have things to work on but I don’t think I should contact him. I want him to miss me but I’m afraid if he doesn’t know I’m willing to change he will move on..
Snow
July 18, 2019 at 7:56 pm
Hello Chris,
I was dating a guy for 4-5 months right after he got separated and he moved out. He then lost his job and tried to live with friends as long as he could and could not afford to file for divorce. He said he was very depressed, felt worthless, wasn’t deserving of my love, couldn’t offer me anything, that I deserved better, he was better off dying and everyone would be happy without him. Now he has moved back in with his ex because he is broke and doesn’t have any other option and wants to see his kids. He broke things off with me three weeks ago, but reached out a week later and was texting once a day. He said I miss you, I don’t know what to do, I have been listening to our songs, I wish I had money to fix everything. He lives a few states away, so I told him I would move there and he’s upset because I said I wouldn’t move when we discussed it before. Now it’s been a week and I haven’t heard from him. I found out he got a job this week too. He then deleted me off Facebook and the Apple Watch. I have not contacted him. We were friends for a year beforehand and I told him he needed to figure things out before we got together, but he promised he loved me. We went on trips together and have one planned in a couple of months, but I don’t think he plans on going. Do you think his wife made him delete me and cut off contact with me while he’s living there? Do you think they are actually back together and he’s not telling me the truth? On her profile she has not tagged him in anything or posted pictures of them.
Thank you!
Madi
June 17, 2019 at 5:51 pm
Hi, I need your help. I’m in high school and my ex dumped me about two months ago because I was immature, clingy and insecure. I made the mistake of begging him for a month and a half and of course he said no. Then I learned that he has a new girlfriend, who he started dating two weeks before he dumped me. He had already known her for a couple years before this but she goes to a different school than us. I’m being told to move on and forget him but I really don’t want to because he was one of my best friends and we were good for each other for the most part. I’ve already started no contact and I am about one week in. I’m wondering if it’s too late for no contact, and I need to know what steps to take to get him back. Thank you. Again I am in high school so I cannot purchase anything from this site, no matter how much I want to.
— Madi
Drea
June 2, 2019 at 6:10 pm
Hi Chris,
I’ve been reading your blog and listening to your podcasts and I’ve learned so much already. I wish I had known this information months ago when my boyfriend initially asked me for some space. We had been together for a year and a half and one weekend he told me that he needed some time to himself. I thought that meant a couple days… He reached out to me maybe a week later but I did what you say you shouldn’t do when you think you’re losing the one you love…I started begging and pleading with him, I sent him gifts and cards telling him how much I loved him, I apologized for anything and everything I could think of, and I became clingier and needier than ever. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions these past six months. He’s been in touch with me the entire time and we’ve seen each other as well. I don’t think we were broken up (I actually don’t know if we are now either since we never said the words). I know now that I have been way too much and I have been driving him away. He even tried to tell me that I was scaring him and smothering him and somehow I didn’t get it. I last saw him on our second anniversary in April. We texted or talked almost daily since then but I was the one always asking when we could get together. He would make plans with me but then have an excuse every single time. I let this go on for a month and last weekend (after yet another cancelled dinner), I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. That I was sick of being rejected and that he should let me know if he ever wants to see me. He wrote me back saying that he was sorry he kept disappointing me and that he knows I deserve more. I started no contact with him after finding your site. It’s actually helping me to feel empowered. Thing is, I don’t think he knows what I’m doing. How long do you think it’ll take for him to realize I’m not there anymore? It’ll be a week tomorrow. Do you have to tell your ex that you’re doing no contact? Will he think I’m playing a game or ghosting him? He has not reached out to me but I’ve noticed an increase in him going to my Instagram to like current photos or even old ones. I just want to make sure I’m doing this correctly so that I stand the best chance of repairing my relationship and getting my ex back, and getting back a healthier relationship.
Thank you so much for your advice.
Chris Seiter
June 3, 2019 at 3:28 pm
Hi Drea….so it sounds like you are doing many of the right things during your NC period. If you have no done so already, give my Program (EBR PRO Bundle) a look as it dives into many of the details and provides a great deal of supporting materials to help you through this process.