How To Get An On Again/Off Again Boyfriend Back Permanently- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

693 thoughts on “How To Get An On Again/Off Again Boyfriend Back”

Sarah

April 23, 2017 at 2:15 am

I can’t quite say we’ve been on/off but we have been casually dating for many months. I never demanded more until a few weeks ago when I said I was ready to walk away. He let me walk away but assured me it wasn’t over. I haven’t contacted him but I also haven’t completely ignored him because that would be I think even more reactive than not ignoring (probably different in a full boyfriend situation, but in my situation ignoring implies you’re so upset that you can’t talk to them, I’m trying to convey a whatever attitude). So if he makes an innocous comment on social media or via text I sent a short, nothing reply. I have a very active social media account so as usual I post the fabulous things I’m up to, business as usual. Recently he’s been liking my stuff a lot more and he also posted something on his account (in an indirect way) that is very suggestive that he is heartbroken and he now sees that I never cared at all (presumably because of my devil may care attitude). But he hasn’t outright texted me and asked me out or anything like that, he’s just poking the edges (which is pretty much always his m.o., he waits for a signal for a clear yes before initiating). I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want him to give up hope, but I also am concerned that this could be an ego thing and once I show my interest again I’ll be right back in the one down position. Should I just keep doing what I’m doing, but just do it for longer? This guy is stubborn and both has a big ego and a fragile ego at the same time, so it’s a tricky balance. A far as everything else– I’m already ungettable, I’m no groveler and never was the unspoken issue has always been his fear of committing.

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 28, 2017 at 6:23 pm

Do it for at least 30 days…

Bb

April 21, 2017 at 2:27 am

Hi Amor. I don”t know if my comment posted the last time. My problem is my boyfriend and i broke up because of his priority on his career. I used nc once, and it worked and got him back but we ended up breaking up again after 2 months. Same issue, he is stressing over his career and said he can’t do it with disturbances because he got out of focus. There’s so many workloads and expectations over him and he is becoming really stressed that’s why whenever we have simple argument, he alwyas ended up breaking up. Now i just finished another nc with him but cannot get hin into talking since he is working really hard and focused. How can I make him commit to me if he has another priority. It has been 3 weeks after nc. No rapport, not mucb messages. Should i implement another longer nc??

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 25, 2017 at 4:07 pm

Either you move on, or do one last longer necessary to establish you have your own life

Bb

April 18, 2017 at 1:35 pm

Please help me. My ex bf and I broke up 2 months ago. It was our second break up. The 1st time in september, I used 21 days NC and I got him back.
This time in february. We fought and i cried and he said we need to stop this already so that no one will get hurt anymore. He asked me to be friends but i said no and used NC again for 21 days. It’s been 3 weeks after NC, we are already in contact, but i feel that this time it is really over and he wants nothing more than just friendship. I became better dyring nc, I travel, I workout, but I feel that he is already far from me. Although the last time we messaged, i told him that i would announce our breakup so his future relationship with other girls will jot be affected. But then he said, my relationship or your relationship? I feel he still love me but I am not his.priority now. The real reason of our misunderstanding is because his priority is his career while I still want to enjoy my youth days travelling ang having fun. We are ldr which makes it harder. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t make rapport with him since he is very busy with work and have almost no time to talk for a while. I know that because i already experienced that when we were still together. Can you guide me what to do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 25, 2017 at 4:07 pm

Either you move on, or do one last longer necessary to establish you have your own life

Bb

April 18, 2017 at 1:33 pm

Please help me. My ex bf and I broke up 2 months ago. It was our second break up. The 1st time in september, I used 21 days NC and I got him back.
This time in february. We fought and i cried and he said we need to stop this already so that no one will get hurt anymore. He asked me to be friends but i said no and used NC again for 21 days. It’s been 3 weeks after NC, we are already in contact, but i feel that this time it is really over and he wants nothing more than just friendship. I became better dyring nc, I travel, I workout, but I feel that he is already far from me. Although the last time we messaged, i told him that i would announce our breakup so his future relationship with other girls will jot be affected. But then he said, my relationship or your relationship? I feel he still love me but I am not his.priority now. The real reason of our misunderstanding is because his priority is his career while I still want to enjoy my youth days travelling ang having fun. We are ldr which makes it harder. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t make rapport with him since he is very busy with work and have almost no time to talk for a while. I know that because i already experienced that when we were still together. Can you guide me what to do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 25, 2017 at 4:07 pm

Either you move on, or do one last longer necessary to establish you have your own life

Nikki

April 15, 2017 at 6:21 pm

I’m not quite sure how to handle this. 2 years ago I met my ex and we dated for 6 months. The breakup was due to bad timing as we were both under stress from new jobs. I followed the NC and this guide and we were back together three months later. However it only lasted a couple months as we didn’t take the time to really discuss what broke us up the first time. It’s been a year since the second break up and we have seen each other a couple times and had some contact but he never saw us getting back together. It’s been 5months of no contact and last week he drunk texted but quickly apologized and said he shouldn’t have contacted me and he ended contact. How do I reestablish contact in a positive way? Thank you!

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 16, 2017 at 1:46 pm

What did you reply to him?

Nikki

April 15, 2017 at 6:15 pm

I’m not quite sure how to handle this. 2 years ago I met my ex and we dated for 6 months. The breakup was due to bad timing as we were both under stress from new jobs. I followed the NC and this guide and we were back together three months later. However it only lasted a couple months as we didn’t take the time to really discuss what broke us up the first time. It’s been a year since the second break up and we have seen each other a couple times and had some contact but he never saw us getting back together. It’s been 5months of no contact and last week he drunk texted but quickly apologized and said he shouldn’t have contacted me and he ended contact. How do I reestablish contact in a positive way?

Nikki

April 30, 2017 at 5:23 pm

Hi Amor,

I tried NC for over a week and then replied to his last text. I just said hi and how was his trip(I knew he had been traveling) and that it would be great to talk sometime. He wrote back that he really should not have reached out and that he’s sorry for the drunk text and that he should not cross break up boundaries and that he hopes I’m doing well. So after it being over a year and a half since our last breakup (although we had some contact over this last year and a half and saw each other) I’m wondering if he’s really done?
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2017 at 10:48 am

yeah, I think you should move on after he said that.
nikki

April 21, 2017 at 1:53 am

I replied that The text wasn’t an issue and that I hoped that he was well. He then replied that and said again that he shouldn’t have texted and that he was causing trouble by reaching out and that he should respect the breakup. I haven’t heard from him since. I’m confused. How do I handle this? Do I try again to get him to talk?
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 22, 2017 at 9:31 am

Try a week nc before rebuilding rapport again
nikki

April 18, 2017 at 12:25 am

Hi Amor,
I texted back and said it was nice to hear from him and that I hope all is well and that it looks like he’s been doing some fun things (we are still connected on social media but neither of us comment on each other’s sites) and that it would be nice to catch up. he wrote back a few days later that it wasn’t a good idea and that he’s caused too much pain and that he should keep his distance. and I let him know that I didn’t think that at all but that I hoped he was ok. It’s been silence ever since.
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 16, 2017 at 1:49 pm

What did you reply to him?

Caroline

April 4, 2017 at 1:04 pm

Amor I posted this on another part of the site but I couldn’t find it again I hope it’s ok I put it here too,
I was dating my guy for about 4 months. We had both been in bad breakups so we tried to take it slow. However we had an instant connection and fell into really having feelings for each other and after the first week we both freaked out and gave each other space for about 3 weeks. We still texted but we didn’t see each other during this time and both saw other people. We realized we missed each other and when we decided to see each other again it was like we’d never been apart. We spent almost every day together and talked non stop every day. What put a wrench in this was he was moving to another city 2 hours away. We decided to enjoy the time we had while we could. The feelings got deeper and he put off moving for almost 2 weeks to spend more time with me. When I asked if we could try long distance he said he’d never done that and wanted something more open. I told him I didn’t and we talked through the night and decided to just break up even though we care about each other a lot. After 3 days he missed me and I went to visit him, I met his parents and spent the night. Then I went up again4 days later and same thing. So I asked if we could make this work. He said he wasn’t ready for that commitment so I told him I deserved someone who only wants to be with me and I left and started NC. It’s only been a week but he hasn’t texted me. He’s looked at my snap chat stories and liked some of my FB posts but that’s it. I miss him like crazy. Is this a lost cause?

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 4, 2017 at 5:56 pm

Hi Caroline,

That’s ok… I don’t think it’s a lost cause.. try to finish nc first and see where it goes.

SJ80

March 27, 2017 at 6:30 pm

Hi.

First, Sorry if my writing english is’nt the best. Im from Skandinavia.

My historie with men are real complext.
If they fall in love with me, i dont fall in love with them and visa verca. I think the problem is the exitment, passion and love i dont feel when they dont challenge me. Ironiclly, in march 2016 i met this handsome man.. this felt different. He fell in love with me, and my first tought when he inviteded me on dates was that this felt so right for the first time in my life (im 32)… He said he loved me, invited me to meet his family and friend. I hade noticed he always tried to impress me (he still does) He was nervouse around me, and has actually said he was… we talked about everything, have the same values, interest, futurewishes and so on..

We had some issues that started in june 2016.. To make a long story short he has a minior drinkingproblem and i have a work, history and childhood with the same issues.. That makes this problem hard to be around. And all of our fights started with this problem, and my reaction of it. I know i could have handled it better. When we were on vacation i treathen to leave him and 3 times after that i either pakked my bag and got back to my apartment, but i loved him and we make up. And just to make all worst i also told him i never ever going to marry him (this was in december. He brought the marrytalk up calmy in a fight i had with him) i said sorry after that. And that i dident ment it.

He also had a habit of making less and less contact in periode.. Wich made me mental! I dont fit well in the situasjon were i dont know were i stand with men i like (irronacilly again). I know i was very clingy and uptight but aswell i know he was withdrawing at times.

The first almost breakup was in august, were he told me he dosent have room for a girlfriend right now. I tried to change his mind, and he was torn. When i finaly aceppted it he change his mind and wanted to be with me. He was loving, caring but still a bit distant after this.

We moved in togheter in october. He asked me. We decided to keep my aparment for a periode. Or i decide

He has a lot of personal issues going on.
He doesent have a jobb at the moment (1 year in june). His dad is suffering with cancer (no hope) and his dad has a lot of unrealistic expextation to him. Hi also has a depression. He addmited that 1 time.

Becides of this it gotten better all the time. It was less and less drinking, and i did see the improvment. He also told me he was going to seek some help. This was not after a fight though. He told me he loved me and that after his dad dies and my ex gets a job we would be better..

In the first week of january his dad called him and said something not pretty. My ex gets distant, again and i took that on me.. I really felt bad that he couldnt talk to me and dident come to bed, so i made a scene… The morning after my ex told me that he thinks we fight to much, that he cant give me what i deserves and what he actually wants to give me. He wanted some days break. And that he had a bad habit of pushing away the people he loved when he has times. I told him i dont belive in breaks. And if he wanted a break its better to breakup. I pakked my stuff crying, at least my clothes. And i moved back home. He said that if i ever wonder what he feels about me i must read the loveletter he gave me in november. That was what he really feels. He also said i dont needed to stress get all my things because he liked having it, because it reminded him of me.

After that we met 2 times the next 2 weeks. Talking about the future..He said maybe we could go back to datingtimes when we met 1 a week.. i dident respond to that. He said he loves me, and that he thinks maybe we could meet again near the summer. That he is real torn because we have something special and he just need to breath and work on himself. He also said that we would be better then because he then got a job. He said he was torn because when he sees me he understand he loves me but he needs time alone. He said both of us have problem with let eachother go.
After that we decides to go on a break. I said yes to that. I suggested 1 month with no contact. I dident hear anything from him. Besides some likes on Facebook. After 1 month (mid februar) i sent him a message that i wanted to be with him. He dident respond. After 4 days i called him. He said the best thing is to end us, that he think of us every second day but dont feel that its right to continue break( he kind of asked me.. i dident respond)
I said im not going to quit things over telephone and that i still have things at his place that i need. We decided to meet up 4 weeks ago. He dident see me inn my eyes. He asked me what i have been thinking. I told him that i belive he needs to sort himself out, that i loved him but that the right thing was to end things. I really regret saying that..
He still tried to impress me. Told me he had startes working out, applied for a job and now sleeps better. ( he had sleepingproblem when we lived togheter).
I got 2 big hugs. Everytime i said i had to go he continue talking about something about everything. As he tried to stop me from leaving. I dont know.

After 2 days he sent me a message that im a really great girl, and told me something about his family and that he hopes we talks again sometimes soon… I responed something politly and take care (After 5 days). After 2 week he sent me 2 message again… 1 hour in between. Said he thinks about me, and that he loves me and that he wished that i was with him manytimes. I dident respond, and then i got a message from his friend i dont really have talked to since december. He missed to talk to me. Me and my ex talked to him on speaker. I guess my ex told him to write…

I respond first my ex that i feels the same.. and Sorry for the 3 days later answer but that i dident know what to answer.. He said no worries and that he hoped that i was good.

This is now 10 days ago. I wake up everyday and tries to find out how we can go back to the normal uncomplicated love we hade.. I miss him so much.
I deactived my Facebook and he has done the same, so he cant see that im improving my self.. But I do.. i started working out, hanging out with friends, going on 3 weeks of adventure in another continent next week, and starting to smile again.. Still this is the man i want to get back and marry some day.. and i really try to move on witout moving on, but i am afraid im waisting my time.. I got a feeling it is him and me in the end (the same feeling i bet all newsingel girls have)…

I think i havent act clingy the last 2 months and im torn between 30 days-45 days or more? Or maybe less… Do you think we got a chance of getting back togheter? Or do i start building rapport since the break started 2 months ago?

I can tell you i actually are a confident and smart lady, but with men i love as much as him i loses a lot of this confident and have a habit of getting real large and heavy walls..

Thank you for all your good advice.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 28, 2017 at 5:27 pm

Hi Sj80,

even if the break up is two months, if you talked, and it was not focused in improving yourself, that’s not an nc period.. I think you should do 45 days..

Hope

March 12, 2017 at 7:31 am

Hello Chris,
please help.
So my boyfriend of 4 years brokeup with me two months ago because I was friends with a guy whom he hated the most and asked me to stay away from. But as we work together I can’t simply stop talking to him. And I just continued formal and rare talk with that guy and my boyfriend read the messages. But I assure there was nothing wrong in that conversation. Just a friendly talk.
Still my boyfriend got angry and brokeup with me. Since then I’m begging him to take me back and it’s been two months now.
And want to let you know that before 1.5 year we had a breakup and then I begged him for 7 months. I got him back but this time I’m scared that he won’t come back because he thinks that I can’t change and will keep hurting him in the future. I tried to convince him that I will chance and won’t hurt him ever again. But he’s being too stuborn and not ready to start again.
I’m scared to apply NC that he will never contact or wont take me back. Because it happened before also. We brokeup and I did not contact him for 39 days. Then I approached him for patchup, he rejected me again
What should I do now ?

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 15, 2017 at 6:13 am

Hi Hope,

restart it, and do it the proper way. Stop begging. Improve yourself during and after nc and then slowly build rapport.. Follow the advice on the links below:

The Ungettable Girl

EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

Erin

March 8, 2017 at 2:29 pm

Hi,

My ex-boyfriend and I have been on/off several times. I keep doing the NC, he comes back after 2 weeks. Then a few months later we break up again. He keeps saying he will be moving and his life will be hectic (mine is too) so how can he sustain it? He wanted to be friends, I tried that but you don’t kiss your friends. I finally told him in a nice way to not talk to me unless he was for sure ready for me. Was that ok to do? I know people who have walked away for 6 months to 2 years and now they are married. We are both single parents so it makes life tough too. We have been together since 2012. When I told him I can’t talk to him he said he understood and hopes we will reconnect in the future. Any advice?

Thanks

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 12, 2017 at 9:01 am

Hi Erin,

stick to 30 day nc this time and be very active in improving yourself. Don’t stop your new routine even after nc while you’re slowly building rapport.

alis

March 4, 2017 at 12:58 pm

Hi, me and my ex have been together for 3 years now and you already helped me before. We had messy relationship, we argued a lot, broked up many times (I don’t know how many exactly). I always applied NC and he always come back begging (sometimes after few days, sometimes after weeks) and I immediately took him back. We have always fallen to the schemes that didn’t work before, continued where we ended. I know, baaad…. :/ I feel like his time is different, I failed NC and he doesn’t seem to care anymore, he doesn’t believe it can ever really work without another break up… Chris has written, the on-off relationships can end either with success (staying together permanently) or failure (permanently go your separate ways and move on). I want to ask, how I know, if this is another off-phase and I can make him come back and try to stay together permanently, if I have chance or if this is ultimate end when he really moves on and there’s no another chance… ;(

Alis

March 22, 2017 at 12:39 am

Hi Amor,
I’ve been doing just as you told me, I ignored him, didn’t answer his calls and messages… Last friday at midnight he called me like 10 times, he even came to my flat and for half an hour he was trying to get in (he was ringing, throwing stones to windows, knocking on the door). Well, I wasn’t at home, just my friends I live with in a flat sended him away… The thing is, yesterday he tried to contact me again. Through the message he apologized for the friday (allegedly he was drunk and does not remember what he has been doing) and as long as I didn’t respond he had been calling me few times and writing more messages asking me to respond. I didn’t, so he ended throwing stones to my window again and I had no place to run as long as I was at home and didn’t wanted to be rude, so I let him in. And he came to ask me to attend his birthday party this friday! He also asked me to massage his aching back and finally we ended in my bed. I know its poor and pathetic to say, but i really can’t control myself with him, I am so week when he is around :/ But the thing that wonderstrucked me happened then. I mean, last time we were in off phase, we were friend with benefits for a while, and it was just about sex. Well for guys it is always about sex in such situation, right? But, now, it wasn’t. Well, I can’t read his mind, but from experience I know how he express his emotions and all. He made love to me, even after that he didn’t leave, he cancelled the program he had with friends and didn’t answer phone calls from them (he did that very rarely, almost never at all). We had meaningful conversation (that was also rare as long has he has difficulty with opening up to someone), we watched film together and he held me in his arms all the time. He had been even more caring than during relationship. Even when he fell asleep he had been cuddling to me. The next morning he didn’t contradict there were strong emotions between us, BUT he said he doesn’t want relationship. And I don’t understand… from experience I can tell when he is in love at all, and he express all signs now, and he also said, that whatever I would need help with he is here for me, but still he doesn’t want to be with me. What to do now?
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 25, 2017 at 1:03 pm

Oh no…. restart the count, and dont sleep with him again..
alis

March 6, 2017 at 9:10 am

Well, ok, 45 days it is then… How should I start it? I mean, I last met him in person 2 days ago when I asked him to come over to take his things and he did. And I have made irrational, desperate things… I told him I still love him, I can’t be without him, I begged him to be with me again, and, when he refused, a asked just to let me stay by his side as support and help (he is having some major problems in his life right now). Then I even seduced him and told him I don’t believe this is over according to our history… So, this is my pathetic start point, what to do next? Should I just stop communicating, hopping he will notice? Tell him something like ‘I need space’ or rather ‘yeah, you were right, this is really over’ before I start? Tell him that in person or through message/ call? I feel so confused, I just want to make it right this time…
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 9, 2017 at 4:25 pm

just stop all communication. If he comes over asking to be friends, that’s when you say you need space.. Check this one:
The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)
Alis

March 4, 2017 at 11:04 pm

Well, the longest ever (and successful one) lasted about 20 days, he came asking to be with him again. This time I tried NC and failed twice, first time after 11days and second after 12days.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 5, 2017 at 8:36 pm

The more you do it, the less it can help you because it would like a pattern. Since you’ve done a lot, you need to do 45 days this time.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 4, 2017 at 7:38 pm

Hi Alis,

what was the longest nc you did?

Alex

March 3, 2017 at 9:05 pm

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years. We started off great and hit some bumps along the way but always seemed to pull through. Last year in July he broke up with me and didn’t contact me at all. I clearly went nuts and acted desperate trying to reach out and figure out what happened. After almost 3 weeks he called me and told me to come see his new place. He then begged for me to move in and we had a long talk about us and things we wanted. I was still upset since we broke up and didn’t feel like he went about getting us a place the right way. So jump to now everything has been great. We were getting along better (still had little tiffs here and there) and really loving living together. About 4 weeks ago he asked me about moving down south to where his family lives. He said we could make this jump together and do all the things we love and he knew it was scary but this is something he’s been talking about for a while. I did not react very well. I freaked out and cried and said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Then a week later he brought it up again and I just pushed it away and said I didn’t want to talk about it. Then two days later he tells me he’s moving in two weeks end of story. I freaked out and started crying. We had a long talk but he wasn’t changing his mind. During this past week and a half I have been contemplating whether I should move down or not. It is scary to move but I can make compromises. I want to be with him badly. (We were just talking about marriage and kids). He’s the love of my life. So all last week while he was working I freaked out as usual. He just kept saying it was over and to leave him alone. He’s supposed to move all of his things tomorrow and I am totally not prepared. I want to make this work wherever I stay up here for a while to get my life in order to move down there. But he isn’t listening to me and is very angry towards me. I tried the NC rule but it always only lasts for a couple days. And if he does respond he’s just angry. I do not know what to do. I want to make it work but I feel like if he’s moving it’s over (in his eyes). Any advice please on what I should do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 4, 2017 at 5:18 pm

Hi Alex,

Do you want to stick to at least 30 days this time?

San

February 15, 2017 at 2:46 pm

Hi,I really need your help my ex boyfriend and I are in the third phase of breakup.The first time a friend of mind lied to him that I was cheating with my previous boy friend he cam back afta six months and begged showing me screenshots of their conversations I forgived him.We dated for five months later breakup again bc he said I was disrespectful I begged him later followed the NC rule and we cam back in December.On the 30 of January he breaks up again saying I give him “headache ” and that he wants to rest that he has tried is not going but he still loves me and wants us to be Friends I refused being friends with him so he blocked me on WhatsApp.Please I need help what should I do Amor

San

February 21, 2017 at 9:12 pm

Hi,
So I texted him this message on the 22nd day of no contact
Gudmornin….hope u doing gud.
Haven’t heard from u all this while jst tot I check on u.
Am really sorry about what happened &hope u 4give and 4get. We have gone a longway to just let go now.
Am sorry dear! And he didn’t reply I don’t know if no reply means I should move on??
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 22, 2017 at 9:05 pm

Oh no.. I think that’s too early because you’re on and off.. commonly with on and off you should do at least 45 days or longer..
San

February 16, 2017 at 4:14 pm

Hi thank Amor would try the advice above.Pls another worry my friend who caused the first breakup my x never wanted to hear anything about her wen I told him my frnd was greeting so the last problem we had I gave her his number and she texted he didn’t reply weeks later I told him she is no longer my best frnd so yesterday she texted me saying my ex send her a WhatsApp message wishing her happy Valentine’s Day but me I remain block what is he upto please help me
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 16, 2017 at 8:33 pm

probably to see how you would react.. so, don’t react.. let him be..
San

February 16, 2017 at 12:42 pm

Ok Amor,I will try the advice above.I have another worry my friend who caused the first breakup she was so close to me never wanted to liv her cause of what he did to my boyfriend and I.So anytym I talked to my x about my frnd he would say he does not want anythg to do with her.Before this third breakup I gave her his number and she texted he did not reply.Yesterday she sends me a message saying my x texted her a Happy Valentines message through WhatsApp where he blocked me. Why is he texting someone he didn’t want to hear about bcuz of the lies she said to destroy our relationship am really confused ‍♀️
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2017 at 7:41 pm

HI San,

if you are going to do a nc again, that means it has to be long. Do you want to try the advice above?

Pippa

February 15, 2017 at 2:24 pm

After what I thought was a successful conclusion of NC and gradual texting over the last 3 months and my ex begging me to try again… he broke up with me again, saying that he’ll only end up hurting me again. This was after all his apologies and asking forgiveness from me – all the things you want to hear from an ex. To be honest I think it’s an excuse and judging by his past I think he falls into the on again/off again category no matter who he’s with, he just can’t handle stress and thinks life has to always be perfect and when it’s not he wants to bail out. I’m disappointed that months of laying foundations doesnt seem to have worked and don’t know what to do?

Pippa

February 15, 2017 at 7:46 pm

I’ve done NC just once. I might just leave things as they are and move on or try one more time, feel drained.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2017 at 7:58 pm

yeah.. that would really be draining..
Pippa

February 15, 2017 at 3:18 pm

By the way, I should’ve mentioned that I responded by saying that I think I rushed into getting back with him and only want to be on friendly terms, nothing more than that and he replied by saying he doesn’t want us to fall out either and I’m welcome to drop by, this was after his first message this morning saying that we need a clean break – yes, fb messenger. He didn’t even come to see me face to face.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2017 at 7:39 pm

HI Pippa,

3 months? How many times have you done nc before? Because I think this should be the last if you are going to try and it has to be long.
Pippa

February 15, 2017 at 2:25 pm

Sorry it’s posted twice!!

San

February 15, 2017 at 9:52 am

Hi,my ex boyfriend and I have dated fr 2 and d half years.The first time we broke up was because my friend lied to him that I was cheating with my previous boyfriend so 6months later he came back and explained everything with screenshots of their conversations so I forgived him, we started dating 5months later we broke up because I disrespected him a lot I told him I would change he broke up with me.One month after we come back that is in December and this January he breaks up with me saying I give him a lot of “headache ” and that he loves me but it’s not going.I love him so much and I admit am something scared of loosing him that why sometimes I go out of hand.But sincerely now I don’t know what I can do.Please Amor I need help.He is 28 and I am 22

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2017 at 7:29 pm

Hi San,

do you want to try the advice above?

Julie

February 10, 2017 at 6:52 pm

There are so many caveats to this no contact thing….what about military on again off again?
We were together 8 months – apart for 2 – and back on for a year. He’s deploying next month
So how do I do a longer no contact etc when he’s going to be leaving the country for 6 months?
There’s gotta be a better way than not talking

Julie

February 11, 2017 at 12:28 am

Does it count as on and off if we only went off once and have been together for a full year ?
He will be in a place that he at least will have a computer
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 11, 2017 at 1:08 pm

hmm honestly not really.. but since it was two months before of break up, he might think that this it can happen again.. That’s good that they have pc there, you can try to build rapport
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 10, 2017 at 11:21 pm

Hi Julie,

actually, the advice here is almost the same with the how to get a military bf, both suggest long nc. The difference is, the military aspect will probably be longer because it would be better to rebuild rapport when he’s back home, that is, if you can’t build rapport while he’s deployed.. If you can, then build rapport of course..

Since it’s on and off too, that means you have to break a pattern right? That’s why long nc is suggested, because you’ve already tried talking and reconciling before but it didn’t work out. Actually with on and off, there’s a chance he will reach out or hope you will because it has happened before.. You have to appear like you’re not feeding that cycle anymore because you choose to value yourself..Therefore raising your chances more, because he’ll probably miss you,and you’ll leverage that more by improving yourself, making him regret and miss you more..

the bottomline is, raising your value and not chasing..

Raf

February 8, 2017 at 9:08 am

Hi all!
I commented somewhere on this homepage in november during a no-contact-period initiated by my ex-bf to “clear our minds, and see what our hearts say”. As told before we have an on-off-relationship for the past 8 years. We broke up twice and I moved out. The other times we could re-arrange our relationship without breaking up officially.

So, November was our no-contact-period. He suggested it. I never contacted him but he started contacting me after 16 days. At first I did not respond because we said that we would go w/o contact for a month. But he panicked and begged me to give him just a short answer. I did it. Then we decided that we could not go w/o contact. At first I was happy because I thought we’d try again but soon I found out that he was in a new “relationship” (he didn’t call it like that but he lived it like that, everybody knew already). He saw me nevertheless, and I noticed that he wasn’t happy. He thought this would be an easy one w/o complicated past, w/o him having his opinion judged because he got back with me. Well, it didn’t make im that happy. I lived my life, and he got more and more jealous. Without being able to commit in a certain way. At the end of december he wanted to get back together. He assured me that he is in love with me, that I am the one and he finally knows that. He even begged me to never let him go. He told me that he won’t care anymore what anybody says. Well.. it lasted until January 31st. I noticed him going on distance again.. but beside that everything looked normal. I tried to be not that clingy but supportive. Nobody ever knew that we were getting back together. He told me that he couldn’t do it, but also took some days to re-think it. He also told me that he loves me and that his feelings are ambivalent. So one day he feels so, the other day he feels another way.
We spoke on the phone three days after that and I had some research done.. I confronted him with some thoughts and he said that they were true. He wanted to think about it. He sent me a message with Thank You and three heart-eyed-emojis right after we hung up. The day after I send him an article concerning our talk and he answered immediately, thanking me. I kept sending him some articles but he didn’t answer again until tuesday. But this message was not that nice. I felt like he is pushing us and all thoughts away. Like he doesn’t want to care right now. My gut tells me that he already is “testing” another woman, maybe the one from November.. I answered again and told him that it would be good to get started and work on these issues for himself.

Well.. right now I am doing NC again. How long should I go? What do you think about the whole situation?

Raf

February 8, 2017 at 6:35 pm

Well, I do not use social media. So there’s no way to be active in posting.
So, when he contacts me again, and I do not answer this time.. and I contact him after 30 days. What would you recommend to actually change the pattern? I really don’t want to keep that on-/off-thing and I feel that this is the last time I want to give it a chance.
In my last message I told him that I keep myself busy and joined a sports course. I could notice in his reaction that he isn’t satisfied with me doing so. If he did not care, he could go with “great!” and being happy that I am not chasing after him, but he wrote “That’s cool, but it’s hard to hear for me every time”
Thank you, Amor!
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 9, 2017 at 11:30 am

it would be better if you open an account, add mutual friends and make your posts public.. because the silencebis not enough to break the pattern if he doesn’t think you’re really moving on..so dont stop being active even after nc.. he’ll probably get curious during it and try to check if you have an account..take it slow in building rapport after nc
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 8, 2017 at 4:13 pm

Hi Raf,

that’s actually common with on and off.. stick to 30 day nc even if he messages you in it.. be active in improving yourself..make him feel he’s losing you and that he’s losing a great person through your improvements..be active in posting

Sam

February 7, 2017 at 8:40 pm

Hi! My boyfriend and I have been on and off for about 2 years. The last time we broke up, I went to the no contact rule for about 6 months. And finally 2 months ago I bumped into him and we talked. We decided to give it a try again. We were doing so well, all the problems went away. Until last Saturday.

I had a little fight with him because of work commitments with one of his ex girlfriends. He texted me Sunday to apologize with me, but I went out with some of my old school friends, and he got mad because I did not invite him. It’s kind of childish, we’re on our late 20’s, but I thought it was not a big deal.

Yesterday, I reached out to work things out, and he told me he does not feel ready for a relationship anymore. We ended up having a huge fight via text messages and we break up again.

What should I do? Should I give him some space? I kinda got the feeling he’s not going to call me unless I do. I do not know if I should start again the no contact and figure out later if it’s convenient to go back with him. But it has been so hard, I do not want to loose him again.

Sam

February 13, 2017 at 7:45 pm

Yes, I spoke to him last Friday by the phone. He’s fine, but he says that he doesn’t feel ready for a relationship because of work, college and other projects. So, he’s very busy and understands he can’t give me the time to develop a relationship. But he told me that he wasn’t ready “for the moment” and that it was better to separate things “for a while”. So, I don’t know. Is he taking me for granted? I told him I wouldn’t want to cut him out completely of my life, and he agreed to catch up sometimes. I don’t know if it’s apropiate to reiniciate NC, or send him ocasional text messages. I’m fine with not getting back at all right now, but the relationship was good enough to keep that door open. Should I talk to him ocassionaly or not? Just to keep that option of getting back.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 14, 2017 at 6:03 pm

if he’s telling the truth, that means you’re not his priority right now. If I was in your case, I would not be friends because I know that’s not my end goal.
Sam

February 9, 2017 at 3:37 am

Hi! I texted him to apologize and ask if he would like to talk before really making a decision, but he just answered that there’s no need. That he understood he wasn’t ready and didn’t have time to commit to a relationship. That he was sorry for giving me false hopes. I guess there’s nothing else I can do, right? 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 9, 2017 at 6:02 pm

Yeah, you either move on after that or do a one last longer no contact.. and then take it slow after, just be friendly, and not ask to be friendly.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 8, 2017 at 12:18 am

Hi Sam,

give him a week to cool down before intitiating

Dale

January 27, 2017 at 12:02 am

My other comment said it was awaiting moderation but I cant’ find it. Here goes:

My on again off boyfriend broke up with me in June, he contacted me in July saying that he wanted to get back together. We talked into August when he told me that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Then he contacted me in November and I didn’t really respond. In December he starts to date someone else. I contacted him honestly to see if he still had feelings for me. I didn’t say anything about the relationship, we talked for the next few days and he brought it up. Telling me that he still had feelings for me and that he was going to break up with his current girlfriend and that he wanted to get back together with me. I told him that when he broke up with her that I wanted to take things slow. He contacted me a week after that conversation to tell me that he broke up with his girlfriend. We met and it felt like we hadn’t been apart. A few weeks later we made it official. We’ve been back together for about 3 weeks. He told me that a concern he had before we got back together was that he was working a lot and didn’t feel that he had time to devote to a relationship. He told me that he felt selfish for wanting me but that it wasn’t a good time in his life. I told him that I was also working a lot and that we could work around that. After we got back together he told me that he was willing to take a different shift at work that would give us more time together, even though it would be a pay cut for him. I told him that I was also willing to change my shift at work to accommodate our relationship. Everything was going well, we were talking and making plans. Then on Sunday he tells me that he got the new shift at work and we ended the conversation like we normally would. I texted him on Monday and didn’t hear from him. So later that night I sent him a message asking him if he was ok. He responded by saying that he was fine and that he had just been thinking. I said Ok, let me know when you are ready to talk. And I didn’t get a response back from him. On Tuesday I still hadn’t heard from him. On Wednesday I sent him a message telling him that I knew what he was thinking. And that when he was ready to talk to let me know. When he has wanted to end things before he hasn’t dragged it out. He is one to just rip the band aid off. I need to know what I did wrong and if there is any way to fix it? Or do I just need to give him is space? And I can see that he is reading my messages just not responding to them. ( he was in the relationship with the other girl for about a month) He was also the one bringing up things about the future, still wanting to live together, etc. He also told me that he felt like he had continually let me down and he didn’t understand why I still wanted to be with him.

He was respecting my wish to take things slow which has been a little hard because we have really awesome chemistry. He also told me that I’m not like other people and that we have the same mindset and are on the same wavelength. I think that he is worried about the shift change but if he won’t talk to me I have no way of helping him. He also just bought a new car and is still paying off the old one. Money has always been an issue with him and he told me that one of the reasons why he broke up with me before was because he couldn’t take care of me. He has told me many times that if he had his way he would work two jobs to support us so that I wouldn’t have to work. Now I like working and making my own money and I have expressed this to him.

What can I do? Should I give him space? Should I try to text him again? Or just leave it alone? Do you think that he’s ghosting me? Everything changed in one day and I am just having a hard time understanding it.

Dale

February 7, 2017 at 5:08 pm

I sent him a message basically just trying to clear the air. He did not respond positively. So I finally just said “Goodbye” and his name. Do you think that he will contact me again? I really don’t like having things unresolved.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 7, 2017 at 11:18 pm

nope..it’s less likely that he will if he’s angry and being proud
Dale

January 30, 2017 at 11:05 pm

Ok, thanks. I honestly don’t think that he is ready for the kind of relationship that I want he’s 26 I’m 32. He is also really close to his family and he told me the other reason why he didn’t want to date me is because they might be moving soon. He told me that over the next few months he will be preparing for their decision and if they move he is moving with them. I just think that they are all excuses and I’m not going to keep driving myself crazy thinking about it. The last message that I sent him was a very angry one so I doubt that I’ll hear from him again. Anyway, thank you for your help.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 31, 2017 at 3:10 pm

ok… you’re welcome.
Dale

January 29, 2017 at 3:32 pm

He did respond by saying that he basically doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. And that he wants to focus on work for the next few months. I don’t want him back I just don’t understand why he would pursue a relationship and then break up with me again?
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 30, 2017 at 12:17 pm

he probably missed you..and then missed the other girl also after being with you, and now he’s confused..maybe that’s his solution, to stay single..
Dale

January 27, 2017 at 1:30 pm

So, there is nothing that I can do?
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 28, 2017 at 3:45 am

give him space for now.. if he doesn’t message in a week..then he is ghosting you.. try to send a message just to check..At least you’ve already given him a week of space, if he doesn’t answer still..decide if you want to try another nc or to move on..
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 27, 2017 at 11:30 am

Hi Dale,

it looks like he is ghosting you.. I’M not sure what’s really going on on his head but he may have thought things are going too fast, or he misses the other girl or he had talked to the other girl

Emma

January 24, 2017 at 3:44 am

My ex and I have broke up twice now. The first time he broke up with me because of our endless arguments, inability to fight the right way (defensiveness, stonewalling, name calling), and because he could sense that I had one foot out the door (I didn’t think the relationship would last and treated him worse for it, something I deeply regretted). The second time I broke up with him because we were having the exact same problems, despite me making every effort to make it work. He could sense the imbalance between us (because of my regret, I wanted to make it up to him) and started taking me for granted. When I broke it off, he wanted to get back together and expressed that desire several times. I’m not sure I want to put myself in that position again, especially when so little changed from the first time we broke up. And despite him saying that he wanted to be back together and coming to see me from hours away (on request), for the past several days he’s been very terrible at responding to my messages. He’s not acting like he wants back into the relationship despite what he says. Should I take his actions over his words and call it off for good?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 24, 2017 at 2:14 pm

Hi Emma,

have you told him why you broke up with him the last time?

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