How To Get An On Again/Off Again Boyfriend Back Permanently- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

693 thoughts on “How To Get An On Again/Off Again Boyfriend Back”

JM

November 8, 2015 at 8:21 pm

Hey Chris, I’ve been in an on and off relationship for 4 years now. We are currently broken up again for the third time… I have done no contact for two months now. Boy has it been hard but I’m proud of myself for going this long cause it feels like forever! I still don’t plan to contact him, I’m hoping maybe one day he will contact me as I haven’t heard from him since the break up. I’m struggling wondering if he even cares and if I even have another chance. I have hope but I just don’t know. I guess time will tell.
Liezl

October 31, 2015 at 3:31 pm

HI Chris,
my boyfriend and i go on and off because of some issues about other women. We’re engaged 3 months ago but then he didn’t follow through with his promise of not being flirt with other women and not contacting and blocking them from his contact list and other few things…so i told him that until he is ready to fully commit we do things we like and meet other people . He I told him to call me when he is ready totally! but you mentioned of longer NC. is this also applicable as i was the one who actually suggested to meet people and do what we like to do until he is ready to fully commit? What if he calls as i told him?
Thanks Chris I really need your view on this.
LIEZL
Marie

October 28, 2015 at 12:55 am

Hi Chris – I am so glad I found your website, and this page especially, though I fear coming here might be too late to help my situation anyway. I can’t believe how accurate your description of the on/off relationship usually goes for couples, exactly what’s happened for me. I know you’re a busy guy so I don’t want to get into a whole long story about what’s been going on for my currently “off again” boyfriend and me in the last year and a half. Long story shortish, we’ve spent a lot of time fighting and hurting each other, just as you describe it, and now I’m afraid we’ve reached a point of no return. I think we’ve crashed and burned and right now it feels like we’re too damaged too recover, my question is, how do I know for sure? Is there any chance of recovery at this point? He’s always come back to me within a few days of us being “off again” and it has only been a few days anyway so it’s too soon to tell if he will now but I’m afraid this time he really won’t be coming back. Also, we’ve spent a lot of time fighting and not seeing eye to eye on things and generally hitting a wall on the communication front, how do I know it’s even worth trying to salvage the relationship (if it’s still possible)? My friends all hate what he’s done to me and don’t like him and I hate ignoring their concern for me but I can’t let go of this guy I still love. I’m pretty sure the love is still there, at least we both still care, we just haven’t been able to make it work together. He is very upset about a guy I work with who I used to date who is at the center of all our fighting (aka. the flirting with another man). Also, maybe this is something I can’t be concerned about since we’re off again, but what if he finds someone else in the meantime, how do I know he’d even want me back? (Though I suppose that’s the point of your whole website!) We also live in a pretty small community so I will more than likely run into him within that 45-60 day NC period, what do I do then? Haha ok, that was more long winded than I intended, I’m sorry I have so many questions! Let me know if you need more details.
Taylor

October 24, 2015 at 6:33 pm

Chris,
I’m going to try to keep this short and to the point because I know you have a lot to read through. I’d love to get some personal coaching or responses from you because I am absolutely dedicated to winning my EX back. I’ve already listened to half of your e-book, deciding to wait until NC was almost over to finish it so it would be fresh.

Our history:
2 years ago, We met through mutual friends and clicked immediately. He recently broke up with his ex of two years and stated he didn’t want a relationship. Beings friends turned into dating which turned into hookups. 3 months in, I realized that I loved him. 5-6 months later I decided to tell him and let him know that I am aware he is not looking for a relationship but that I should tell him. He called me the next week to invite me to dinner and asked me questions about whether or not I’ve said “I love you” to a man before and other things. The next week he tried to friend-zone me, to which I told him absolutely not. I said that I’m not going to wait around forever for him, he told me that he didn’t want me to. So I initiated NC, this was before I stumbled upon your amazing sight. I started dating this guy and apparently my EX went to his family and said that he had made the biggest mistake by letting me go and that he loved me (They told me this after we began dating FOR REAL THIS TIME).

Unfortunately the circumstances were, I cheated on my boyfriend at the time with my EX (which I am absolutely not proud of). My EX told me that he wanted to be with me and he was finally ready to accept the girl of his dreams. We dated for 1 year and 3 months. He endlessly poured compliments on me, told his family how I was the one for him. We talked about where we would live, our kids, engagement rings, honeymoon spots. We spent almost all of our free time together. I basically had been living at his place, almost keeping my own apartment away from him because he said he wasn’t ready to move in together yet. Around when we hit the one year mark we began bickering constantly because I was ready for the next step of commitment and he was not, despite having poured out heartfelt reasons why he loved me so much to everyone who’d listen. One day he went to the strip club with his buddies and purposefully did not tell me. I ended up finding out by snooping through his phone (trusting my gut!) , to which he told me he did not care if I did that. We argued and he didn’t seem to care about my feelings so I told him we needed to go on a break. (Gosh, I’m sorry this is so long, I’m really only trying to hit the meaty details). A day later, he brings me flowers and sushi at work. I call him later to thank him and he says that he DOES need time to get his head on straight. That he realizes now that he has to decide between doing things he thinks is fun but will ultimately hurt me, or being a good boyfriend to me.

We end up talking again and he says maybe we would be better friends because we want such different things. Here I am going….??? What different things? He seems to be confused because we both want to get married and have a family and move out of California. But then again he was flipping back and forth between what he wants to do with his life, and does he want a kid or not? I don’t think he knows what he wants. So anyway he suggested couples counseling (to which we never did because we went to Hawaii for a family wedding and needed to save the money). We did our best to limit our bickering and fighting and instead choose to work it out because we had decided the relationship was worth saving. We had recently done a 2 week long hike (165 miles) through the wilderness and had grown so close in that time. I then found out that I had to move out of my place within 3 months because the landlord’s family was moving in. I told him and suggested he seriously consider me moving in. A few weeks later, We had a great day that ended in a bicker about the Walking Dead and how he accidentally deleted it (we had been drinking). He apologized but it didn’t feel or sound sincere so I was upset. He told me that he wouldn’t be apart of the argument anymore, literally sat there in silence ignoring me, and I begged him to communicate with me. Eventually I told him that if he couldn’t communicate with him what was the point of staying in a relationship… that I would pack my things and go. He tried to run away to the bar (which he works at) when I went upstairs and when I caught him outside he told me he didn’t want to talk about emotions, he just wanted to run away and that it was over. He told me he had felt this way for a long time and that he didn’t love me anymore and was not attracted to me anymore. He said some slightly hurtful things, nothing major but just angry little remarks. He told me we could talk tomorrow.

We talked the next day and it was a MATURE conversation. He said he hadn’t changed his mind about breaking up and that he thought it was the right decision because he felt we would be happier without each other. That maybe we could be friends in the future when the wounds have healed but he didn’t want to string me along in case his feelings didn’t change. He said again that he didn’t love me anymore or that “his feelings had changed” and so I asked him what he did feel for me. He said that he cared about me a lot and didn’t want to hurt me, that he was attracted to me (which was contradictory to what he said last night), and that I was his best friend. This is how I know that he does love me and I theorize the commitment freaked him out, in the same way it had when I stated I wanted to be his girlfriend… but now it is the next step: marriage, moving in, kids, etc. I know it isn’t another woman and I still feel that love there. I told him that he would change his mind like last time and he said, “Yeah, but it won’t happen until you find someone better than me.” and he told me I could still go to the bar but that I shouldn’t hit on any dudes in front of him.

So, bottom line. We dated unexclusively 5-6 months, NC for almost 1 year, Dated 1 year and 3 months, I have been in no contact with him for 11 days and I just saw this article. Should I do longer than 30 days? Do you have any specific advice for me? I know no contact is effective and I love your website. I’ve gotten a haircut, I’ve been hitting the gym and hiking, posting positively on facebook, going to church, basically keeping busy and staying positive!

Thanks for your time Chris.
Suria

October 22, 2015 at 7:34 am

Hi Chris,

I forgot to ask if the 30 day’s no contact in my situation as it is at the moment is too much?

Chris Seiter

November 19, 2015 at 1:48 pm

So is he actually married? If so I’d advise not getting back with him.

Suria

October 22, 2015 at 7:10 am

Hi Chris,

He hid his marriage by telling me that he was living with his mum and would phone me secretly although I used to go to his house sometimes, but only invited and I began to see clues so I confronted him but he denied it. I kept mentioning it to everyone around me but no one would believe me until towards the end my friend started to say that he could be married. I had to be sure, so did an online search and found out the truth and confronted him with it and he confessed that he wasn’t happy with her and that his wife found out about me and he was getting a divorce but he still wanted to be just friends with me. I became insecure and needy at the time and got my family involved so he said that the friends thing would not work and he got angry with me and ended it.
Tamara

October 21, 2015 at 2:59 am

Hi so please if you could help . And sorry for my bad English im not from America.. im from Serbia i know you are busy man but i realy need help right now and you are my only hope.
So My bf and I have been dating for 10 months. He has 34 years and Im 20 its big age difference so we started our thing nothing serious , we just hanged out he didnt have a serious girlfriend for 5 to 7 years than i came. He wast planning it with me eather until he truly met me . He was hot cold whole relationship, he needed a lots of space and we would every single month not be together for at least a week i was in pain so much pain… but what kept me stayn was the time we spent together .. it was magical.. he showed me things that i never knew about. He is acting cold and calm but than there are those moments whan he puts a cold man mask down and becomes a sweet loving man. I have done everything and i mean everything to stay there and make relationship percet, i didnt play mind games i deleted my facebook account i stopet going out with my friends all for him . And than he needed a break …. and 7 days would pass he contact me i contact him.. and we are back on .. again. I love him with all my heart and i have invested in this relationship so much . Im the only girl he can trust and that he thinks that im good person and nice etc.
So we had great times.. and bad ones .. i went on vication with my parents we were talking all day when i was there.. i came back he needs a time out.. than i went to my grandparents in a nother country he does the same he says u faild the test we are done .. and when i came back we were togehter…he knows how i feel for him.. and we have been talking and having vications together and spending great time … from the beginning he said he loved to be alone that he doesnt need anyone he is just like that.. this summer he broke up i went on vication to pull my head together.. i didnt contact him for 2 weeks than i came back .. i called .. asked to see him we were together whole august and it was beautiful… he met me with his mom.. we had trips ..than His sister came to our city and she only comes twice a year.. and i let him go to have time with her i told him i wont smother him .. he called texted i did too … and suddenly he stoped.. i was the one dong everything he didnt asked where i was nothing he just dodnt care this lasted for month he was always busy and i have poped out to him a couple of times.. and than yesterday i finaly got him to see me by him self… i asked him whats wrong he said nothing i asked if he wants to break up he said yes.. why .. he doesnt feel the same way as i do for him.. he is getting bored he likes it much better when he is alone.. and that he doesnt care if im with someone else and that im nice and good person and that he never met someone like me .. and that he is sad for breaking my heart but he has to do it. He doesnt know what else to do. He said it is life , life goes on… and he was all night with me to make me feel better i was crying. And i think it is realy end .. he said he only stayed this long cuz of me … but he cant do it any more. I saw his behavior he was happy but i dont know what changed. He said he understands me and its his fault.. i realy love him… i know he feels somethig becouse i wrote him a letter days before he broke up he was crying .. cold man with no feelings.. he opend up to me about things he never said anyone to… and he said it would be nice to be friends he never had a normal one .. who he can talk.. i love him so much it hurts.. so please help… no contact for 30 days . im afraid im going to lose him becouse he is like that.. cold. He was part of september cold and till today … he was doing that… this is the longest term of him not contacting and i think it is realy over.. i realy love him … we used to speak all day .. and than stoped i lost mz earing at his place we saw eachother after break up … we went on lake had a walk talked he talked about his life.. it was like nothing changed… than i went home i told him i wont smother him or text and that i love him PLEASE HELP I DONT KNOW WHAT AND WHY..
Suria

October 20, 2015 at 11:10 pm

Hi Chris,

Thank you for replying back.
The longest I was on for was 8 years in FWB and did not know he was married at the time although I had a gut feeling.

Chris Seiter

October 22, 2015 at 12:48 am

How did he hide his marriage from you?

Suria

October 19, 2015 at 5:27 pm

Hi Chris

I am really scared and don’t know if I have done the right thing.
I am 42 years old and have been with my ex (he is 42 years old) on and off for 25 years. First 4 years had a relationship things got messy ended up in court injunction, he came back after 4 years had a FWB situation for 8 years until I found out he was married at the time then he contacted me a year ago on Facebook after 6 years and have been in touch since got unfriended from Facebook but still messaging through Facebook and a few times on the phone but not in person.
I didn’t know in what section to reply as I feel I can relate to a lot of the situations that you mention also bought your book and did everything right to get my ex back and it was working until I stopped it from turning into a FWB situation but that’s when he opened up to me after he asked me why I had not found someone in all these years I explained that I went through a difficult time with my dad not being well at the time and he understood and told me about his mum having an operation too and that she wants to see him happy and with someone. The day of his mothers operation I offered my support and sent him text messages, he replied back saying thanks. A few day’s later I texted him again offering support and asking how his mum was but this time no reply until a few day’s later he said that he needed space I said I understand but I after I told him that I had health problems although he did know about it from before but not in detail and that I may have to have an operation. It was a lot for him to take but he did understand and supported me hoping that I would get better. I am now doing the no contact for 30 day’s. You talk about being the ungettable girl which I became in his mind but due to health the reality was not true. Have I scared him off for good? I don’t want to loose him he is the only one I have been with him and want to be with.

Chris Seiter

October 20, 2015 at 9:51 pm

On and off for 25 years…

What’s the longest you were “on” for.

susan b

October 3, 2015 at 3:17 am

I met someone 4 years ago. He is 54 and never been married. I am separated but not divorced. I am still in that situation for purposes of the kids and fear that I will have to pay alimony to him. Anyway, this guy would call me take me out a few times, no romance, several times on and off for 3 1/2 years then I wouldn’t hear from him for months and in one case 1 1/2 years. Then in February this year he contacted me for lunch we went out a few times, again no romance, and he said “I need to figure myself out before I can get into a relationship with someone”. I said ok. By instinct, I didn’t contact him at all. Then a month later he took me to lunch in March and said he felt we had something special and wanted a relationship. So we started up. This time he focused on me daily…calling texting meeting up and eventually intimate. (I was in the process of trying to get divorced but it was slow going). Then over labor day weekend, he sprung it on me saying ” I can’t do this!” He broke it off saying its not you its me. Then he said “I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, I’m going to regret this but I do this…I don’t know what’s wrong with me” Argh!! I told him to leave and we’ve had one brief conversation where he clarified nothing and I was left to heal my broken heart. I am baffled. We never argued!!! We had a sort of mild relationship…he doesn’t have many interests but we got along and it was nice. Now I’m missing him like crazy!!! He texts benign messages to me and 2 days ago his text read “Just wanted to tell you I’m glad we can be friends…I didn’t know if I made it uncomfortable for you by me texting you….” What do I do now? My heart is broken. He seems to be keeping me arms distance and I feel so sad and unresolved. I would like to know there may be a chance in the future once I finalize my divorce and take care of a lot of loose strings in my life but I don’t feel comfortable asking him if that is a possibility especially since his text about being friends. What do I do?
Charlotte

September 25, 2015 at 9:20 pm

Hi Chris
Would very much appreciate your advice to me during this difficult time.
To cut a very long story short, my boyfriend broke up with me over text 3 days after our first holiday together. I was heartbroken, especially as he acted like a coward not to have done it to my face after almost a year together. All he said was he didn’t love me and wasn’t sure what we were doing, the next day we had a long talk on the phone about it and we spoke for ages. It was awful as I was so upset but he said he wanted to be friends and that we needed to get over us and that everything would be ok. A week later he said he couldn’t be friends and removed me from his Facebook. I text to say I was sad but understood and hoped that one day we could be friends and catch up over a coffee when everything had blown over. He got nasty saying I was mental that he had already ended it and that this was the final goodbye – I’ve been 16days no contact since that text.
He still has my stuff at his place and hasn’t asked me to get it – I’m not fussed but confused as to why he would want my stuff there still as serves as a reminder. He also wants the holiday photos of us and all I said before NC started was that I’d post them to him and he was sure he still wanted the ones of us together – and it’s been NC ever since. I’ve read everything on your sight and most stuff I can relate to and you’ve opened my eyes. But I can’t help wondering if he misses me or if he will be in touch due to his last text. I miss him and I know that’s normal but I’m still left so confused!
We had a wonderful relationship until march when he did the same above to me after I had had surgery, but we started up again and he assured me he wanted to be with me and go on holiday still. I tried to give him space but he always wanted to see me. After I started a new job if had so much going on and wasn’t getting support or affection from him, I wasn’t prepared to go through what I went through before so tried to end it a few times and each time he refused saying we were fine and he didn’t want to split.
A friend of his showed him a photo one night of me apparently on a dating site – I wasn’t but he flipped! He was so afraid I had met another guy and I reassured him but stayed I wasn’t prepared to be with him when I was giving 100% and he wasn’t. He assured me he needed me and that I was his gf and that he wanted me. Then he was wonderful and then our holiday came and went and now here I am messaging you. I am going to do 30days NC like you advise.
When he met me he was very taken aback by my strength and confidence – stating that he liked that I was a ‘take it or leave it’ kinda girl. He chased me and we became a couple and I met his daughter and family – his daughter loved me and she wanted me to be her stepmum! He loved that we got on so well, at times we looked like a little family unit. Her mum however is a nasty piece of work jealous about me and constant hassling him over text and using their daughter as a weapon. I supported him and nothing made me run and he was grateful at how I was always there for him and what I did for him and his daughter. So all this has left me so confused.
The NC keeps me strong but my gut deep down makes me stop and think about him. I’ve seen for the first time that I should have done this a long time ago to give him the space he needed to sort things out. I’m worried he has gone forever and although I don’t know if he asked me back i would, I’d like to hopefully start over again in time because we had a wonderful friendship as well as being partners.
Please advise if I should just move on after the NC or try and sort it – I don’t want to try if you can see from his side that this is just not what he wants, I’d hate to reach out after 30 days and not get anything back. I need some clarity on it all – he is 40 and I’m 31 so I want to do it right. Thank you
break up AGAIN?

September 22, 2015 at 11:41 pm

Hi Chris!

I’ve been dating my on again off again boyfriend for about 5 years now, and we’ve known each other for 12 years. We’ve been seeing each other for about a year since our last break up. A couple months ago he asked me to marry him and I panicked and asked him to take it back. Then he asked me to be in a committed relationship with him but I was off put by that as well given our past history. He was very much hurt by that. Finally he broke up with me about 2 weeks ago after a small argument that blew up into a monster (my fault) due to the argument and the fact that I was afraid of commitment with him. I’ve maintained the NC rule since then and he hasn’t contacted me at all. Is there still a chance that we will rekindle our relationship? After this break up I’ve realized that this is the real thing and I’m willing to dive into the relationship without hesitation. What do you think? Too late?
at

September 16, 2015 at 2:50 am

My ex (27) and I(21) broke up for the 2nd time in 2 years… For both of us, it’s our longest relationships. The first time we broke up he broke up with me because we are LDR and he felt like i was causing drama and suffocating him etc… When we broke up, I made changes to myself. Went to yoga, worked on my inner self and how to be a better person. After a couple months we got back together because he said he was drawn to me and he saw I was different. However, pretty soon after getting back together, I lost my progress. I was irritable, starting problems, negative, sensitive etc… i mean he has his own baggage too. We had been arguing a lot. So last weekend when he was visiting me, I made some snarky comment and he blew up and packed up his things and left. In the morning at his hotel we talked about making major changes so these fights don’t happen. Both of us have poor communication. That night after spending a great day together he convinced me it was okay to go out with my friends while he stayed home. I ended up getting wasted and throwing up, he had to take care of me which I think bothered him like crazy. I woke up to him gone and a note by my bed. Basically he said we’re on different pages, nothing fixes us, he doesn’t want this in his life, he’s not the person for me, he chose to leave with a note because there is nothing left to say. It’s too much and good times are too far and few between. He still isn’t speaking to me, took me off snapchat and instagram and said to give him space so I have been…

I feel like the way he left sucks… it wasn’t a fight, it was more him worried a fight was inevitable after the night of annoyance about me going out. I feel like When I took the time to work on myself after our first breakup I lost my progress and we both knew it. It was a change I wanted to make and he didn’t give it a chance, he’s just done and thinks this relationship is exhausted.
I know we can’t get back together right away, but there are a lot of things I need to fix about myself as far as dealing with people- whether it’s him, my family, or friends.
Do you think he will come back around eventually? Is it a waste to pursue him again? part of me knows that cyclical relationships don’t last… but the other part of me knows how much I love the person I am when I’m with him and how much school and me not facing my inner issues affects us.

Please help me… my heart is so broken
Gretha

September 11, 2015 at 9:25 am

Hi Chris,

A question.. how if my on again/off again ex bf already had a new gf? We broke up for a second time about a month ago and now he got a new gf, and his new gf turned out to be someone who he wouldn’t usually go (someone who isn’t compatible with him in so many level) for even me & his friends was a bit shocked why he choose someone like her to be a gf and how he got a new bf so fast. Do you still think that we still got a chance to get back together?
I AM PLAN A you dumb f*ck

September 1, 2015 at 11:38 pm

We have known each other since high school and were friends first, seeing each other through relationships with others before being together. We have been on and off for over a decade, having lived together at times, and to the point where his family considers me an in-law, his sisters’ kids call me “Aunt” and they include me in family occasions regardless of our status.

He bounced between me, the stable positive girlfriend there for him when the chips are down to give him a boost or help rebuild him…the one who helps him follow his dreams, get a job, that gives him that guitar he was eyeing for Christmas or my spare car when his kicked the bucket.

and another girlfriend, who appears when things are good, usually abused him, used him and cheated on him. She even got him into trouble with the law with something illegal she was mixed up in at one point and I bailed him out. She’s no longer on the scene, now engaged to another man.

During our last “off” season, he hooked up with a girl he lived with for 2 months who is also trouble. And when I say that, I mean like Jerry Springer train wreck. She has substance problems and hitched up with my boyfriend while waiting for a fiancé that she snitched on to get out of jail so that they can get married. When they lost their apartment, she befriended my boyfriends’ mother, and gave her money to her kick her own son out and allow this girl to move in. She moved to another state for a job with her best friend and that girls’ boyfriend.

I stayed over the weekend to watch his nephew for his mom the other night so that he could attend a friends wedding while she worked. This girl called non-stop two nights in a row because her roommate beat her up and kicked her out, supposedly because the girl wouldn’t go out drinking with them (but that story sounds fishy). He was in such a panic that when he couldn’t find the phone, he ran around the house like a maniac, and when his mother complained about the girl calling, he drove up the road to talk to her on his cell. There’s a gold heart ring that she hung inside his car when they were together that he hasn’t discarded. They say I love you to each other at the end of each conversation, something that took him years to do with me in our 25 year history.

Needless to say, when all this went down, I tried to be the understanding girlfriend and even helped look up homeless shelters for the girl to try to help. There was a point during one of the conversations that he told her I was there waiting and she continued to keep him captive on the phone a few hours after anyway. All my compassion came to a halt when he didn’t want to fool around either of those days because “he was worried about her”. And I was trapped there due to my obligation to babysit because I made a commitment.

So in the morning, I got up and left without saying goodbye. He texted me, “You must have left early, huh? I must have been passed out cold, I didn’t hear you.” ” and a few hours later, “Are you pissed?”

He Facebooked me that night to ask “I sent you texts, is you phone screwed up again?” and then texted me yesterday saying…”Okkkkkkkk….” “You must be pissed”

Then I missed my period.

I feel like texting back, “I’m not pissed, I’m pregnant…Daddy!”

I do love him, but I don’t even know where to go from here.

He would have to make some serious changes…I deserve better than this. I am Plan A, not plan B.

I AM PLAN A you dumb f*ck

September 4, 2015 at 6:25 am

Also –
Technically we did’t officially break up, I just left without saying a word and haven’t answered his texts and Facebook queries.
I’m wondering if I should talk to him about this and lay out all out on the table or continue the NC?
I AM PLAN A you dumb f*ck

September 2, 2015 at 5:38 am

Thanks for the advice, Chris.

I’ve been down this road by myself once before after my divorce, so I really don’t want to do it alone again if I can help it. It’s one of the reasons I was a career woman most of my life, out of necessity thanks to a deadbeat. So I’d like to add, in light of how he treated me, I’m hoping it’s a false alarm.

I have my life together with a good career and active lifestyle, training in martial arts and all that good stuff. I consider myself pretty well adjusted, self actualized and healthy, blessed with lots of friends who respect and love me. And heyyy…many would envision me as a hot wife because guys fall all over me and want dates all the time! Know any winners you can recommend? LOL

I go by what people do. I let him in again because there have been instances of profound tragedy that occurred in my life, where he displayed that I could also count on him when the chips were down. He was there for me when my dad was murdered and was one of the last boyfriends to know my dad (we lived downstairs from my folks once upon a time). Our most recent “on” cycle was after his sister’s husband passed away…I felt obligated to be there to offer support, and next thing I knew we were hanging out again.

I just don’t get what his deal is…what am I doing that he doesn’t see the value proposition here? Is he nuts? Am I?
Chris Seiter

September 2, 2015 at 3:09 am

I agree… He isn’t treating you right. In fact, he treated you really poorly.

You will have to tell him at some point about the pregnancy though.

Liz

August 28, 2015 at 3:14 pm

Hi Chris:
One month ago this week, a guy I had been seeing since January told me that he needed to be by himself for a while – he is going through some potentially serious legal issues and also his father was recently diagnosed with cancer. He said that he was not capable of giving me all that I was giving him right now and it wasn’t fair to me and then asked me if we could take a temporary break and reassess at a later date. I agreed to this because I am truly in love with this person. Over the next week, he contacted me first via text several times and with lengthy messages that I only replied to with short responses after every 3 messages from him. After two weeks of this, I asked him if we could talk and I told him I needed to move on from the relationship completely – being in emotional limbo was just too painful for me and he didn’t seem to see that if you’re taking a break from the things, there needs to be an end date and a plan in sight for when you decide what you will ultimately do. I was just waiting around – and I hated it – I needed to take care of myself. I need to mention that this is the second time the relationship had been disrupted by these issues and he admits that they have nothing to do with me, he misses me terribly, knows were are right for each other and loved everything that I was giving him. I also need to mention that we have known each other for 8 years – when we met he was married and I was with someone so nothing happened, then we actually went on a few dates about 3 years ago and my life was in a bad state then and I decided I didn’t want to burden him with a big issue I knew would take a while to resolve. Then, we were both single last winter and – finally – got together. And it was amazing and so worth the wait. What I face now is just trying to move on from this situation and setting myself up to be hurt by this person again. I sent him an email while he was out of the country that I was moving on and that we apparently weren’t on the same page about how to conduct a “break”. He wrote back to me 5 days ago saying he understood but still kept mentioning the drama of his current life, as if I was to now make more commentary on that and ask him for an update. I didn’t reply and have no plans to. What’s the point? I just need NC from this person for my own well being – he has leaned on me very hard for emotional support and I was there every step of the way. To be fair, he was been hugely supportive of me and my business I just started and even offered me money for the business 4 days before we had the “break” talk. He’s been an ideal partner in every way and I miss him every second. I just need to protect myself now and can’t let my mind go to the “what if we get back together” thought… Just writing this message is helpful. Thanks.
Beth

August 26, 2015 at 2:06 pm

Every time I initiate NC with me on/off boyfriend, he always contacts me within a few days. He can’t go more than 10 days without texting me something. And when I don’t respond, he flips out, telling me I’m being rude and that he’s never done anything wrong to me to deserve this, and that he’s always been good to me and that if he texts, it’s rude for me to not acknowledge his existence. I never initiate contact with him, but how do I not respond for 45 days without being rude? Should I respond but just be short with him instead? I tend to agree that ignoring someone is rude, and I have a hard time being rude.

Chris Seiter

August 26, 2015 at 3:11 pm

Can you not respond to him? If you keep giving in to him, your giving him the upper hand. Try 30 day’s of no contact in this case.

It’s not being rude if he broke up with you…

Jamie

August 25, 2015 at 9:50 pm

Hi Chris,

I’m really happy to find out your articles. These are helpful.
I broke up with my ex about 6 months ago. I contacted him 2 months later after breakup (He initiated the fight when back then… but I told him ‘let’s end our relationship’ first. so it was kinda mutual decision to breakup.) I knew that I still love him, I tried to approach to him slowly. Since then, we met and had dinner for about 5 times. Actually, last month, he seemed to want to rejoin with me. He was showing affection by contacting me daily and helping me out whenever I face hard work. (He helped me a lot in July, both in physical and mental way. There was no sexual contact, we just spent night together one night, sharing the bed, which was very romantic and happy for both.) Then, suddenly, he went into ‘off’ mode and stopped contacting me.
Later I figured out that his career went into crisis and he had hard time solving it. Anyway, to be short, 2 weeks ago, I initiated meeting with him again, and we had great dinner together. On the way home, I confessed to him that I still think about him and I don’t want to just let it go. I asked about his thinking about our rejoice. He replied that he was thinking about the same, but the ‘reality’ around him is suppressing him so harsh, he cannot get along with any girl in his situation. He said, dating a girl would fall himself into being lazy towards other works, including recently launched projects of him and some personal goal this year (He is preparing for national exam..) and then he will be really disappointed by himself and get depressed. He said it’s ‘not a good time’ for making a girlfriend. I was sighing. After short silence, he continued, it is true that he still has affection towards me and miss me often, sometimes think about the happy moments we spent together. Finally that day, he asked for some time to think about our future relationship. He said he need to think seriously about this more, he can’t give instant answer right away. He told me that he will answer to my proposal in person, face-to-face, later. So I gave him a chance to think deeply about us.
It’s been 2 weeks since that day.. A several days ago, I asked him ‘how’s it going?:)’ and he’s ignoring all of my contacts. I was about to ask something related to work to him, but he just… ignores my phone calls/text messages. I sent him quite long text about my feeling, and hopes about his courage to face me to speak out about good/bad news. He even did not read all of the messages I sent to him (We are using some kind of app that shows if someone read the message for sure or not. It showed me that he did not click on our conversation at all.)
This breaks my heart, since it was very hard for me be brave for confession like this… I think maybe he lied to me. He just wanted to escape from ‘replying back to me’ about his decision, which is ‘No, we’re done.’ and ignores every single contact I make. It’s very hurtful, even worst than the day of breakup..
So, Chris, my question is… do I need to give up entire thing related to this guy and move on? Should I give him NC period again?
Jordan

August 18, 2015 at 12:47 am

Hi Chris,

I could use your personal insight. So my ex and I originally began dating 2 years ago during our first year of college; however, it hasn’t been easy. 9 months into our relationship we finally decided to call it quits because I felt he was immature and not ready for a relationship (about a month before that we were constantly going back and forth getting back together because neither of us wanted to move on). Anyway, after we decided to end things I felt myself moving on from him after some much need self-pity and soul searching. He also moved on, and found a new girlfriend (a rebound, whom he began dating less than a month after we ended things). We remained intermittently in contact for about 2 months after, but our interactions tended to lead to conflict so we decided to completely cut each other out of our lives. Then about 2 months later, over Spring Break, he called me completely out of the blue and apologized for how badly things ended between us and for how he’d mistreated me, at the sound of his voice I began crying and I felt so overwhelmed and surprised because I had for a while felt that he no longer loved me and definitely didn’t care about me or how our relationship ended. The conversation was civil, he asked how I’d been and told me he was proud of me/happy for me that I was accomplishing the goals I’d set for myself back when we first met told me about the good things that were happening in his life, we ended the conversation on good terms with no promise of future interaction. However, minutes later I checked my phone and noticed that he’d texted me almost immediately after we’d got off the phone with each other, telling me that he didn’t realize how much he really missed me until we spoke and he wanted us to try to remain in contact — I believe his exact words were something along the lines of “I know we just spoke, but I really missed you and want to keep talking to you so text me when you get home.” I should also mention that during this time he was still dating his new girlfriend — they’d been together for a few months. When I got back home from Cancun, we began texting regularly: sending each other links to articles, music suggestions, funny memes, etc., then one night he unexpectedly called me (it was fairly late for someone with a girlfriend, probably midnight or 1 am) and that one call turned into several other calls where we’d talk and laugh and reminisce just like we did when we were together — it was all very flirty. At this point, we’d been reconnected for a couple of weeks before I told him I wasn’t comfortable continuing our relationship in such a manner so long as he was in a relationship and I wouldn’t be looked at as a homewrecker. I had every intention of removing myself from the situation; however, he asked if I’d like him to drive me home one night after a basketball game and I agreed and while we were in his car we talked for a while before he admitted he’d broken up with his girlfriend — I was ecstatic, but I kept my cool;) Not long after that we were seeing each other every chance we got, and before long we decided we wanted to try to be together again, but we agreed to talk things slowly at first — so we agreed to a “no strings relationship” but that didn’t last, one day he called me and told me he couldn’t be with me and other girls in good conscious because he loved me too much to do that to me so he committed himself to me and I to him. However, about 5 months later he broke up with me, he said he felt that what he needed right now was to be single, that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with me but that he didn’t want to be with anyone at the moment. I understood because looking back I felt like we’d rushed back into things. We agreed we would be just friends, but we continued texting and seeing each other and even had sex a few times. Eventually, however, I attempted NC on him to figure out what I wanted, but I failed after less than a week — I broke down and apologized for ignoring him, he said he understood but was still very upset with me. Later that day, he invited me over to wait for my roommate to return home because I’d lost my keys, but we ended up getting into a very bad fight — there was yelling and throwing things and even a hole put in a wall when I slammed the door. The next day I apologized for my part, but he was completely cold, he said he wasn’t angry but that he thought it was best if we just ended things completely. I went into NC again for 30 days (before I found this post) and I decided that I did want to be with him again. So today I contacted him for the first time, his exact words were “Look I’m not trying to be mean but we will never be anything ever again, not friends, associates, lovers, anything.” He behaved like this and said similar things the first time that we broke up, so I don’t know what to think or do. So what I’m wondering is do I have a shot at getting him back and if you think it’s worth it for me to try to get him back?

Jordan

August 18, 2015 at 1:05 am

Sorry for another addition, but when I contacted him today before his negative response, I wished him a happy belated birthday and he thanked me, but I was met with resistance when I tried to extend the conversation beyond that by asking to catch up with him.
Chris Seiter

September 2, 2015 at 3:43 am

I never recommend talking on the exes birthday.
Jordan

August 18, 2015 at 12:52 am

Btw, he didn’t initiate contact at all during the 30 day NC
Chris Seiter

September 2, 2015 at 3:43 am

Try no contact for another week or two and try again.

Jess

August 10, 2015 at 9:25 pm

I have an on/off again relationship with a man (boy) 6 years younger than me for about 2 years. I am starting to think maybe the age is just too much of a gap. This last time we broke up he said “we needed to talk, but he didn’t want to jump to breaking up”. He didn’t speak to me again and I heard he was telling people we had broken up. I haven’t tried to talk to him since 3 days after he said we needed to talk, just to say it was probably time from that conversation. No response. He was checking my Snap Chat (I never looked at his). He kept posting things that seemed to be in response to things I posted on social media, or to “dig” at me (maybe for a response?). We haven’t spoken for 3 months. He stopped looking at my Snap Chat and I figured he had finally lost all interest. UNTIL his roommate text me and said he had been talking about me and how he missed me and wished he hadn’t ended things the way he did (maybe he wanted this to get back to me?). I had a friend drop off his things with a letter. Apparently he was mad (hurt) by some of the things it said, according to his same roommate. I don’t know what to do. I will not contact him, but if he contacts me, is it worth another shot? I figure if after 3 months of not talking and we are on each others minds there’s something more here. But I don’t want to be a fool, considering it was him that walked away without so much as a “good-bye”.

Chris Seiter

August 19, 2015 at 4:07 am

Def do the 30 days no contact. Its up to you if you want to give him another shot.

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