Question: Who do you think the best person to listen to is when it comes to getting your ex back if you are a single mother and share that child with your ex?
Is it me, Chris Seiter, a man who has never been a single mother?
( I am a man, hello?)
Or is it a woman who is a single mother who has successfully gotten her ex back?
I don’t think it takes rocket science to figure this one out.
Now, some of you may remember Shauna who I conducted an interview with a few weeks ago. Well, she was kind enough to write a post on her experience for you guys.
In other words, this is what worked for her to get her ex back!
Getting your ex back when you have children together is going to be emotionally challenging as there is more than just the two of you involved,
You have to focus on your children too…
When you become a mother there is truly no better job. It is rewarding in many ways but what no one tells you about becoming a single mother is that it can be challenging, exhausting, lonely and just plain hard.
Now, when it comes to your ex your biggest advantage is that you have already been a family and you probably know him better than most people do.
Ultimately, the end goal here is to make his life as difficult as possible without you and your children.
You truly want to make him regret leaving you.
And in order to do that you have to make some positive changes to yourself and execute some tough actions to make him see you as everything he actually wants.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizLimited No Contact
The first step towards making your ex regret his decision to leave you and your children is to implement a period of limited contact.
Now, what is limited contact?
I am so glad you asked,
It means you literally only speak to him about your children, regarding their health, pick up and drop off times or if there is some type of emergency. Basically you are only talking to him about the children and nothing else.
A lot of people think that because they are in a limited contact period they should be messaging their ex about what they’re doing with the children today.
Wrong!
All that will accomplish is making him think that he is still a part of your life and often times men won’t take the actions that you want them to take if they are comfortable.
Remember what I said at the beginning of the article?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAbout how it’s important that he feels miserable without you?
But don’t forget that the limited contact is for you as well as him; it lets him miss you and the children and also gives him time to realize what he has lost.
In addition, it lets you grow too, heal from the break up, focus on yourself and what you need to do to make yourself happy again without him.
That’s a scary notion, isn’t it?
Being happy without him.
Actually, being happy without him in your life is real progress to becoming what I like to call an ungettable girl.
But don’t let the simplicity of “limited contact” fool you.
It’s going to be tough; you have to be hard on yourself to not reply to any messages that don’t involve your children.
Limit what you’re willing to discuss with him, he isn’t in your life anymore and he’s about to become a part time parent in your child’s lives too.
By limiting information he will begin to feel like he is missing out.
Don’t forget, you have an advantage here of him missing your family life, he just lost sight of that when you broke up and was hurt or angry.
Now, this brings up an interesting question.
How long should the “limited no contact period” be for?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHow Long Should The Limited No Contact Be?
Generally speaking, there are three time frames that are acceptable for LC (limited contact,)
- The 21 Day Rule
- The 30 Day Rule
- The 45 Day Rule
How long you choose to stay in limited contact is up to you but as a baseline I would recommend starting for around 30 days.
And remember, this no contact period is best time to work on you,
Work out and focus on yourself!
Try and remember what you enjoyed doing before you met him!
Generally when you get into a relationship you change, but when you have children with that person, you change even more; it becomes your whole world.
The biggest mistake I made when I became a mother is I stopped being everything else.
- I wasn’t a girlfriend
- I wasn’t a care free/fun person
- I focused solely on my children and their needs.
I neglected my relationships with my family, partner, friends, even my own needs.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIt’s ok to pamper, treat and love yourself again. Do the things you enjoyed doing before you had the children. Focus on the relationships around you, friends, family and your bond with your children.
They will be hurting too!
Now, the best part of this limited contact is that it forces you to become this independent, strong and confident single mother who handles her life all by herself.
There is something so empowering knowing you’re doing it all without him. It feels like you’ve grown so much more than when you were almost relying on him, even if it was only emotionally.
If you can reach a point where your life is just fine without him and you and your children are happy, then that means you’re doing it right.
Limited Contact – What To Do When He’s Around
Having children with your ex means you undoubtably will have to see him from time to time. Try not to allow it to be too often, remember, he needs to miss the children and you for him to value you all again.
When he comes to pick up the children or drop them off I want you to go out of your way to make sure that you always look good, happy and like you’re about to go somewhere.
This will give him the impression that you’re doing just fine and that you are moving on with your life.
I know…
I know…
It feels unnatural to let your ex think you’re happier without them, but it makes them worry and question what is making you so much happier without them.
And if you can do that they will begin to rethink their reasoning for why they left in the first place.
Now, I am going to get controversial here for a second.
When we become mothers, some of us do let ourselves go slightly due to the baby taking up so much of our time, being exhausted and let’s not forget to mention if you have a less than helpful family or partner.
In these cases it’s even harder to look good and feel good. But you need to force yourself; it makes a world of difference to your self-esteem and confidence.
When he does speak to you, control yourself.
There is no need for talk about your previous relationship and do your best to steer clear of any emotional talk and certainly no tears.
I want you to appear to be happy and civil, you do not answer to him so there is no need to tell him where you’re going, if you’ve dated or who you’re with…
But let’s say that he does confront you.
Let’s say that he asks you,
“Hey (insert name) where are you going?”
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe simple answer you should give him is “Oh I’m just going out for the day”, he does not need to know any more than that.
If you don’t show yourself respect he won’t show any either.
Just because you want this man back, it does not make you his doormat, so do not bend over backwards to please him, stand your ground and be firm with what you agree and expect from him as the father of your children, including financial help.
It won’t push him away from coming back; it just sets the record straight that he must provide for his child and just because he’s not living in the family home anymore doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean he shouldn’t help take care of them.
(Now, if he refuses to provide for the children, given that he will probably have them less than 3 nights a week then seek legal advice in your local area.)
Go On A Date With Someone Else
After having children with someone, moving on and dating someone new will feel very strange to you. After all, you’ve had this person in your life for a long time and have probably gone through some special moments.
So, inviting someone new into your life is a big step for some women.
Remember you’re not dating to find the next love of your life; you’re doing it to meet new people, help you to heal and move on from the break up.
And make no mistake about it, if your ex finds out that you’ve dated someone else then he isn’t going to be happy about it. Most likely, he will have a reaction and his mind will go into over drive.
Even if he shows it or not he’s probably not going to like you dating someone new.
This new man has the chance of eventually meeting his children.
No man wants to be replaced…
And you’ll be surprised at how a man will react when he thinks he can be.
Now, when you have children it is harder to date and socialize if you don’t have anyone to depend on to look after the children now and again, but you need to make the most of your alone time when they’re with their father.
In other words, the correct play is to let your ex watch the kids as you go out on a date.
This will further hit home on the fact that he can be replaced and it will force him to take a good hard look at his decision.
I forced myself to go on a few dates during my break up, I met three new men, each different than the last.
The goal was to heal from the break up. And it truly worked. It changed my attitude towards my ex straight away and I stopped looking at him and longing for him.
I thought ok I love you, but I am doing just fine without you now.
That change in attitude obviously worked as he soon had a big change in his attitude and the way he was with me.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe Ungettable Mamma
As I mentioned before, it is pretty common for mothers to let themselves go slightly when they have children.
I mean, we’re busy ladies after all with the house work, children to take care of, working on our careers, teachers, nurses, cleaners, cooks… you get the idea. We are on call 24/7 and for those of us who have small babies, it can actually be through the night.
If you’re children are anything like mine, it feels like they never sleep.
(Note From Chris: As I was interviewing Shauna for a podcast episode a couple of weeks ago. Her kids interrupted her several times as they were supposed to be asleep. This woman isn’t kidding.)
So the best thing for you is to make a list of things you want for yourself, whether it be to lose weight, change your career, finish an art project, anything that makes you happy and is an interest of yours.
For me it was the way I looked,
- I started working out
- I bought some new make-up
- Got my hair done.
It made a world of difference instantly and then working out became something I did when I needed to pick myself up from the break up.
Find something that makes you forget your pain even if it’s only for a few hours.
The Children
One thing that people seem to forget in a break up is that the children are actually losing one of their parents in the family home…
For babies, yes, it will have less of an affect, but for toddlers and older it is hard for them to adjust to the new situation. So you have to focus and find your inner strength to keep going and make sure they are properly cared for.
Your heart may be broken, but they are confused, they don’t understand why one of their parents have left them and why they suddenly aren’t around anymore. So, you do have to try and keep their lives as normal as possible.
As a single mother, the best thing you can do is set order into your life, have a schedule and always plan your days to keep your little ones busy.
If they’re old enough to understand what is going on be honest with them, there is no point hiding the truth from them.
Also the happier and more in control of the situation you are, the better you look in your ex-partners eyes, and if you are sending upset and hurt children to him then he feels like you’re tuning them against him. Whereas if you create a happy loving fun home for them, they’ll be happy to go and return.
I have a baby and a four year old, the baby when my partner first left didn’t want to go to him, he couldn’t get him to sleep at night. I remember at the very beginning I had him calling me saying,
“I can’t calm him down, he’s been crying for hours. Please help me”.
I had to drive 35 minutes to help him settle and calm our baby to sleep.
At first my four year old was happy to go as he was seeing it as a sleep over, but after a few weeks of me sorting myself out and focusing in my children and what made them feel better, my eldest son stopped wanting to go. He would as if he could go to see his dad but come home at night time.
My point here is, make sure your children feel safe, secure and that you are there for them, if they see you falling apart crying and having an attitude of, ‘I can’t do this without him’.
They will sense it and they will lose the confidence in you as their parent and safe place.
Julia
August 15, 2023 at 2:45 pm
My now ex bf likely has bipolar and said he needs help and couldn’t deal with family life with kids. I have three kiddos and I am pregnant with his son. I want so badly for him to get help on meds and counseling so he can be stable and handle the struggles of this life. he ran away instead of facing them and using it as a catalyst to get healthy. I cannot stand the thought of having to send my infant over to him and don’t like the idea of his mom parenting or if another woman being in our sons life. I already have to share my other kiddos and don’t like it. I’m so torn! I want to get back together and do counseling and try to problem solve and work a better plan. any input?
Coach Shaunna
August 16, 2023 at 2:18 pm
Hi Julia, if he refused to get help at the moment there is nothing you can really do right now. I would suggest that you read the materials about the limited no contact and allow him some space. Bipolar can be a difficult condition to understand for your ex and you as a partner, I would say that the best resolve would be for him to seek medical help to medicate himself where and when needed only then would he be in a better mental space to discuss a relationship. As far as your children are concerned, I would suggest that you look at the situation at the time and assess if it is safe for him to take care of a new born, there are contact centres and so on if you feel that he is unable to care for a infant.
Ryan
November 19, 2022 at 1:53 am
My ex and I separated about 2 months ago officially as I moved out. We were together for about 3 years. She says she fell out of attraction for me since pregnancy basically. We have a 3 year old child together and it has been very hard on the kid.
.
We still communicate daily, more than just regarding drop off or visitation. It is very hard on me because I am working hard to better myself by working out and focusing on why we broke up to try and be a more attentive partner.
I tell her constantly that I still love her, and I want to make it work and become a family again. I know we can do it but she isn’t convinced. I feel like she wants to but just won’t say one way or another, maybe she’s scared. She says she still needs space and time to see other people, and that just hurts.
What do I do, I can’t stand the thought of another man in her life and losing her forever.
-Ryan
Coach Shaunna Nicol
January 12, 2023 at 10:57 pm
Hi Ryan, it is really difficult as nothing big happened to cause the break up. However, right now she has a “grass is greener” syndrome which is common. For now, focus on yourself, your child and give her space. Let her realise what life is like without you in it properly, and also that the dating scene is not as great as she thinks it is.
Tia
September 1, 2022 at 4:33 pm
My Ex left 3 months ago and I’ve gotta say I sent lots of messages of me crying and wanting him back and he said he wants me to move on and marry someone else I’m compatible with and will make me happy as he never wants to be in a relationship with me because of my trust issues and not taking care of him and making him second in everything I do and not respecting him etc. since this past month we’ve only much talked about the kids only. And he accidentally sent me messages meant for someone he’s dating , and I freaked out and of course cried and said I miss him and when I look at our young babies I just see him and he was like I’m dating and I hope you find who you’re looking for. He’s adamant he doesn’t want me back and I found it hard to deal with. I felt heartbroken all over again as i thought the last month we were being amicable and able to talk about our kids but he was also busy seeing new people and going out. I’ve now focused on myself, losing weight and sorting out a good routine for my kids ( 8 months and 2 year old) and focusing on getting a better job. But being busy with everything, I still message him about the kids and what we’re doing and videos of the kids and he still responds worth wow and I love my kids but nothing else personal. Have I completely ruined everything ?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
September 2, 2022 at 7:50 pm
Hey Tia, so you have set yourself back by begging him to come back a little, however, him saying that you always put him second that is more selfish on his part. You have a baby and a young toddler they come first, the come before him, they come before you so he has to just learn that parenthood is hard on a relationship. I would suggest that you read this article https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-your-ex-back-when-you-have-a-child-with-them/
Nick
May 24, 2022 at 11:35 am
I read this blog on no-contact and I really get the idea. its basically win-win because you wither get over them or somehow you reconcile. I have a interesting situation where we have kids and we agreed doing family time on a Sunday was beneficial for the kids so I really struggle with the no-contact as I have to see her once a week; any thoughts, I know the kids will suffer more if they dont get family time but its detrimental to the no contact, so I feel like I am in a catch 22 that how can I really pull off no contact or do I really need to quit the family time if its making it difficult for me to get over her?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
July 18, 2022 at 11:02 pm
Hey Nick, so it is great that you want to co parent positively with your ex but you need to have your own “family time” apart from your ex if you hope to get them back, at the moment they are getting the both worlds. You are apart all week then they get that comfort of knowing you’re there for them on Sundays knowing that they see you weekly is easing that feeling of “losing you”. My suggestion is explaining that you think it is time that you do things separately with the kids going forward.
Ninsiima
May 2, 2022 at 2:52 pm
I wish to get on with my life
Cierra
March 15, 2022 at 10:42 am
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We have an 11 month old together. We’ve always had communication issues since our first break up (we have broken up twice but always really stayed together) and two nights ago I found out he cheated on me. I now have to get tested because he was having sex with me AND this new girl.
Obviously I’m hurt, angry, sad…but deep down I still love him. When I initially found out I asked if he would consider couples counseling with me, but he said he wasn’t “open to it right now”
This new girl is a coworker, and he just got this job to make more money when our son was born so the affair could only be a few months long tops.
So here’s where I am at. He says he fell out of love with me shortly after I gave birth because I was mean (so hormones…). Which is just an excuse. We are still living together until our lease is finished. He says he hasn’t told his family yet because “we haven’t had a chance to talk more and figure things out” which….I don’t really know what he means by that since his pride doesn’t allow him to show too much remorse in getting caught.
I have already found a place to live, a place where I will leave before the lease is up and can afford to pay my half of the current lease. I’m in the process of sorting out all the important things for my son and myself. (But I took a small break to post here.)
How do you do no contact when you guys still live together WITH a baby? Does it still work if our biggest issue was closing off from each other when we couldn’t properly communicate?
I don’t really know how to act with him in the house…I have been civil and nice for the first day, but I haven’t been cold or anything cus I don’t hate him.
Danielle
October 9, 2021 at 1:15 pm
Me & my ex were together for a year , we have a 4 month old baby together. He left because he caught me in a lie. No cheating or anything , just a lie . We broke up 2 months ago he says he can’t be with someone he can’t trust. I love him so much and I know he loves me because besides this there has been no other issues. I just know that I really messed up the trust , I just want another chance. I just feel like for someone who used to tell me that we would get married , and I make him the happiest he’s ever been, how was it so easy for him to leave me with no second chance or anything ? What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 10, 2022 at 4:31 pm
Hi Danielle, so he is saying that he cannot trust you, from a lie. I would say that the fact is that there would be more underlying for him than just that one lie if it did not involve emotional or physically cheating on him. Even if he was just generally unhappy at that point in the relationship (this can happen often when there is a new baby around as the dynamics in the relationship change so much and he knows he is not your first priority anymore) I would suggest that you spend a Limited no contact for 30 days allow him to have this chance to be away from you and miss you. I would also suggest you read this article to help you with the trust side of things.
https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-make-an-ex-boyfriend-trust-you-again/
Shannon
August 12, 2021 at 6:28 am
I have 3 children with my ex, we broke up nearly 2 months ago. He comes over on a Tuesday and Wednesday to see the kids on the week he doesn’t have them and then on a Monday and Wednesday the week he does and picks them up on Friday evening to have them over his for the weekend we don’t talk unless it’s about the kids or he’s over seeing them. I recently tried to limit the amount of time we see eachother because it seemed a bit too often and I just wanted to take some time away to focus on me and the kids. This resulted in him getting angry though and accusing me of taking the kids away from him and seeing someone new already. He works every other weekend so has the children to stay with him when he isn’t working. I’ve said he can still come over and see them on the week he doesn’t have them but he’s sure that I’m just trying to stop him from seeing the kids. I adore him to pieces obviously so I just ended up backing down to avoid any arguments. At this point I’m not sure what to do. Or how to even handle the situation.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 7, 2021 at 8:47 pm
Hey Shannon, I would suggest that you explain to him that you feel that every other weekend and two days in the week is enough as you are trying to get over the break up. UNLESS, when he is there you remove yourself from the situation. Leave him alone with the kids. Go to your friends for a coffee, run errands, just leave him alone with the kids. He clearly has a fear that you are moving on to bring up you seeing someone new when you mention seeing him less.
Brenda
July 26, 2021 at 2:06 am
Me and my ex met back in 2015. I got pregnant in 2016 and we had a daughter but we were never living together. After my daughter was born we broke up but we still saw eachother once a month and we were also still intimate with eachother. In 2020, he started changing and later I found out he has a new gf and he rarely saw my daughter after that. Here and there he does ask how she is doing but he has not seen her in person since December 2020. He lives only an hour away. I still love him after so many years. I’ve never cheated on him either. Never been with any other man other than him. Anyways. Idk what to do? Since he never comes to see her in person but he only texts me to ask me how our daughters doing. Should I still reply to his text message even if he says “how is she” questions? I actually implemented the 30 day no contact and today marks 30 days. He messaged me yesterday asking how she’s doing but idk if I should reply to simple questions like that because he doesn’t do any father duty roles other than helping us financially.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 6, 2021 at 11:43 pm
Brenda, ask yourself why you want a man like this back. If he can’t even be there for his child. Yes reply when he asks how she is otherwise it appears bitter. But the lack of effort and interest in his child tells you who he is as a man.
Obi
July 7, 2021 at 7:54 am
Hi guys!
I have a child with my ex. We broke up about a year and a half ago, after I found out he kissed another woman on a night out, but basically nothing changed and we’ve been good friends since. He’ll tell me about what he’s up to, and at handover I buy the coffees whilst we walk on the beach and play with our daughter.
He always puts kisses on his texts, he’s started making me a cup of tea when I pick up/drop off my daughter at his parents house (he lives with them) and basically that kind of contact never stopped. My daughter calls him every night and he always tries to chat to me during the call, likewise when I call the nights he has her he’s always on the screen too (topless ) I call it the ‘most amicable breakup ever’.
He text me this week asking to bring a ‘friend’ to pick up my daughter – turns out it’s a woman he met a month ago at the pub! Long story short, she dumped him pretty much immediately, but it’s brought my awareness to the fact that I’ve not allowed him to ‘miss me’. I also realised I do still have feelings for him, because it bothered me.
He also lied about this woman being ‘a friend’ and I was very hurt at the disrespect – especially as when I was upfront and told him I was seeing some he started acting a bit strange (that didn’t work out)
I plan on going No Contact (even though technically it’s been a year and a half after the breakup) but my issue is that he lives with his parents, and at handover his mum likes to stop and have a chat with me. Obviously he’s hanging about during this, so how do I navigate that without making his mother feel like I’m shutting her out too?
Any advice is appreciated!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 12, 2021 at 9:22 pm
Hi Obi, so yes you need to follow the limited no contact if you are going to try and work this program, I would suggest that you apply the limited no contact with the mother too just find reasons or excuses not to hang around during pick up / drop off and reduce those phone calls with your ex where you are speaking with him too. Allow your daughter to speak to him but you do not be available. Once he is done just tell your daughter to say goodbye and hang up.
Jasmine Vazquez
June 2, 2021 at 4:23 pm
I find situations with living with an ex or sharing children, but I am living both. My boyfriend of 6 years told me he never loved me 2 days ago and brought every argument or thing he was upset with since day 1. We have our finances tied at the moment, and he said he will make sure his son is cared for financially. He said he was staying for the kids but he can’t do it anymore he needs to be free and he is the loner type and I’ve always acted like the alpha. Well it’s because whenever I’ve needed help, I didn’t get the support I needed and we both work full time jobs, but I also cook clean and barely ask him to help fold laundry or try to get him to spend time with me. He informed me that he needs to be free and he isn’t the family man type. I feel like I’m dying inside seeing him daily and I haven’t talked to him unless it has been about the kids or how he’s moving his money to another account but the bills are still coming from our joint so he will send me money for it. He also informed me he just doesn’t find me attractive anymore, but nothing has changed. I only gained about 10 pounds and from the stress the heartache and not even feel like eating when I relive the awful things he said, I’ve already lost 5. I don’t know where this came from and he won’t leave the house but sleeps on the couch until the lease will be up in 3 months and I’ll stay here with my boys. I can’t find an article on dealing with both of those. I don’t want to lose him, yes we fought but it hasn’t all been me. If i do it’s been me asking for some of his time or to help around the house. And now he’s in prison?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 3, 2021 at 10:21 pm
Hi Jasmine, I am so sorry you are in this situation. It is really difficult that he refuses to move out. Does he not have else where he can go in the mean time? Parents / friends?
When living together, you just follow the limited no contact as you have been doing – you only speak about shared bills or children. Other than that you ignore him. I would suggest that you start working on yourself in the Ungettable tense. Being attracted to someone is not all about weight. It could be the time that you take to be selfish. I’m a mother of two, too. It is really hard. But you HAVE to take care of yourself too, otherwise you’re going to burn your candle from both ends and not be able to take it all on your own.
I would suggest that you start showing him that you do not care, that you are living your life with your boys and just make him feel like a house guest. Do not do his washing, cooking or shopping etc. He is “not there” as far as you are concerned at the moment.
Vic
November 26, 2020 at 5:05 pm
I have been with my husband for 13 years and married 5 we have two children together a 10 year old and 6 year old. He left us back in July. He said I pushed him away. We were seeing him nearly everyday as he run a coaching business from the garden and we were getting on really well up until about 5 weeks ago when he became distant. I tried to ask him to sort it out and probably I’ve come
Across needy at time. I’ve found out that he’s seeing another women now and to be fair I haven’t heard good things about her. She also has children. I have found out that he’s met one of her kids already which again I wasn’t happy about. I’m absolutely heart broken and I just want him to come back to his family but he doesn’t want to sort anything out and keeps going on about a divorce. I am still in contact with him for the kids but I just feel like we are strangers. What can I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 23, 2020 at 5:48 pm
Hi Vic, I understand this is a difficult time for you and seeing him on a regular basis isnt easy either! You need to follow a limited no contact where you speak to him as little as possible. Only when it is an emergency with the children. I understand essentially he “works” where you live but try to avoid being around him too much right now. The fact he is with another woman already it is likely to be a rebound but your limited no contact needs to be 45 days
Nat
November 22, 2020 at 2:17 am
When doing no contact when we have kids together, if he texts me about non kid related things, is it okay to respond? He’s the type to think I’m being rude and immature and I don’t want to make him feel as if I’m that. I won’t be reaching out to him about anything unless it involves our daughter but what if he texts me about something?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 24, 2020 at 9:39 pm
Hi Nat, so yes you can reply when it comes to your children, only if its about their wellbeing – something has happened or his visitation. The rest of the conversation and small talk is a no go. If he reaches out to you – you deem it as important or not. This can be your daughter, shared bills, emergencies.
Fianoo edem
November 8, 2020 at 10:19 am
Thanks this really help me do overcome all the fears , I decided to do no contact and this morning he send a text saying when am I leaving his apartment the landlord is asking about the rent just confused but still doing no contact
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 8, 2020 at 6:05 pm
Hi Fianoo, you are allowed to reply to those type of messages – unless you are able to speak to the landlord directly yourself
Lesly
October 17, 2020 at 12:45 am
Hello me and my babys father broke up 6 months ago. We were dating for 5 years and i was his longest relationship and he is 17 yrs older than me. We had great times but alot of bad times. I always felt like he was afraid to really commit to the relationship because i felt like he was afraid to get hurt. While we were still living together i tried to fix things and i saw how he was so confident that i was still inlove that he said things just didnt work out but he wanted us to live together for our son. I was so hurt and angry with that and so the nxt day i filed for child support a week later we were moving into our new home but 2 days b4 he found out i placed child support. He got so upset and told me i couldnt move in with him. So i left the nxt day. We would communicate everyday but i would end up arguing because i wanted us together after 2 weeks he said he would never live under the same roof as me because i stressed him out alot and he wasnt happy. I told him i would leave him alone. I changed my number that same day and didnt talk to him for 2 weeks. He contacted ppl trying to get a hold f me because he supposably wanted to send money for the baby but i know it was to have communication with me. At first he would tell ppl he missed me our son and my other 2 kids (from previous relationship) i stopped tlkn to him and i had told him i would only communicate about our son..and at first he would send me pics f things he bought for our son and i would reply but then i stopped and he stopped txtn as well..now we only txt strictly about our son.. truth is i love and miss him. But idk if there is any hope..he has tried dating and moving on but hasnt worked out for him. And he has told ppl if he didnt stay with me he wasnt gonna stay or be with any1 else. Idk what to think or if there is a chance for us. I would love to try things out 1 last time b4 i completely fight myself to forget him and move on.
Alyssa
October 15, 2020 at 8:05 pm
Hi; I’ve been with my ex since the middle of my pregnancy. This is where things are a bit confusing. I’ve known of him since church and he was close with my brother . I use to walk pass him in church never have I ever thought that he would be the love of my life ; or that I would have had my son by him. My son is 3 months old . Years later from when we went our own way from church and from not seeing each other ; we met up again while I was sitting in my car while I was on my lunch brake . I was working at Walmart at the time , I had stopped him and asked him how he was doing and he did the same I was very attracted to him when I seen him . A year later I was working at my new job and he had messaged me on Facebook out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to hang out . I was very surprised and nervous because I didn’t even know we had each other on Facebook and it’s been so long that we ran into each other .. I get off of work and go home to freshen up before I go over to his house . We were talking and catching up then we ended messing around . Afterwards I felt like it was just a hit in quit it so I asked him . He basically told me yes . I got upset and was never going to talk to him ever until he checked up on me and then weeks later I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. Once I found out I told him . He asked if I’ve been with someone after him; I told him no . Then later on that day he asked for a and test as went straight to saying we are going to co parent . I was so hurt and mad . I told him I didn’t want him at any appointments etc. eventually we started talking and trying to be respectful to one another . We went out to eat for the very first time in my day off and I was nervous . Because I didn’t know how he felt . He said I looked nice . We talked and smiled he ate I watched him eat . We drove separately cars . Afterwards we talked on the phone for hours. At that time I didn’t know how to tell him that I want to stay on the phone more because I like hearing his voice . Then it went from him asking to see me after work . To spending hours with me . I was 4 months pregnant when I met his mother and by default . I felt like she didn’t like me off of the bat . He was having some problems at home and I was concerned about it so I told him 2 months later as that was still going on in his home , that he could come over and stay some nights so that it could release some tension and arguments in his house hold. That day he told me that his mom didn’t not care for me and I knew it from the time I met her .I just waited for her son to tell me on his own without me asking him . Fastford , he starts spending nights over . Everything is going good , at some point of time we have some ups and downs and arguments . Where we questioning if we should be together. We stuck it out and there would be times where we would talk about living together and having more kids later on after our first at that time we were happy . He was there for me during my pregnancy. He went to most of my appointments at this time . I met his father . He welcomed me into the family . He would drop his plans with his friends and or projects to be with me most of the time . I encourage him to have a better relationship with his mother because deep down I knew she’s very important to him which it important to me . As time goes by we get into this huge argument with my sibling and her significant other . We ended up going to mother grandmas for a couple of weeks ; at that time I’m 7 1/5 months pregnancy. And he’s starts spending nights with his mother again because they are on good terms and she had mention to him that she didn’t like him shacking up at my grandmas house . During that time I see a change in him he starts become frustrated more it feels like with me and makes me feel like he doesn’t want to be with me any more . The night before I go to the hospital and be induced I felt like I was sleeping with a stranger.. the next day he isn’t speaking to me In the morning as I prepare myself to go to the hospital. I was scared and worried because this my first child and no one but him could only be in my room. Because of the COVID-19 . After my son is arrived he happy and kisses me in my cheek . He was there for me in the hospital as I was sick with COVID-19. After my son arrived he sent a picture to his mother and my family as well and she said the baby looked like me . After that he started to act different again . He didn’t sign the birth certificate . He broke up with me within the week of my child being born and said we’re at never getting back together. I cried and I didn’t get help from him until the dna test came back . At point we were co parenting very nice . Then it went left very quickly. He is taking me to court for joint custody . I’m so torn why things ended the way it did . I’m trying my best to do better because it’s about my kid . We only communicate about our son because that’s what he told me that what he wanted . So I do only just that . I’m hurt because I fell I love with him and gave him my heart which I don’t do often because I have security issue from when my mom passed away when I was 4 years old . So I don’t know if he ever came back if mid take him back because he really hurt me badly . I miss him a lot . I cry when I’m remind of things that reminded me of the really good times we had . And even when I look at my son because he reminded me of him so much . I love and miss him a lot but he has really hurt me bad . I really do want him back .. I just don’t want to over step my boundaries and I don’t want to overly push him away . Maybe I just need really let him go .. and co parenting is fir the best . And that I have to be ok if I see him happy with another female . I rather him to be happy with someone else if I can’t make him happy anymore and that is he truly doesn’t love me anymore even though it hurts a lot I’ve apologized to make it be peace between me and him so that my sons grows up and can have both of his parents in his life . I remember as he was picking up our son .I was dressed up going to the courts to send back the court papers. He didn’t know I was doing that ; he had an whole attitude with me and the very next day he was being rude with me as if the apology didn’t mean anything. So we both got into it and it got to a point where I felt he questioned my mothering character and disrespect me . I stop responding to him . His parents order another dna test in order to meet my family . I’ve talked to him mom and things were ugly .. currently it’s been five days and he hasn’t checked up on his child .. so I personally feel like it’s over . .
Tasia
October 9, 2020 at 8:17 am
Hey my boyfriend/baby’s father of years broke up with me a week ago and before that we’ve been having an on and off relationship one minute he’s here the next month he’s breaking up with me again I really want us to workout because I put alot in this relationship and I don’t see myself with no one else I want to know if I still have a chance or should I give up because he only wants our son in his life he told me doesn’t want anything to do with me and that we will never ever get back together and that he’ll rather be single the reason we broke up because we got into a big fight that led him to having to get stitches I started the contact rule today make two days of no contact but is the contact rule going to work if he says he never wants to get back together with me?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 16, 2020 at 9:51 pm
Hey Tasia, I think whats happened is your ex knows he can have you when he wants you so if things get rough he leaves knowing that he will be welcomed back when he is ready. I would suggest that you work on yourself and follow a limited no contact before speaking to him properly again. Only speak about your shared children in emergencies and when he is collecting/dropping them off for visitation. Do not spend time with him or be around him when he has the children. Let him deal with them on his own.
https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-your-ex-back-when-you-have-a-child-with-them/ check out this article for help!
Tanya Lundy
September 30, 2020 at 4:00 pm
Hi my husband left 6wks ago saying he hasn’t been happy. He has only seen our 2 daughters age 7and 5 once for an hour in this time even though he has had plenty of opportunity to see them. I can’t understand why he has not wanted to see them as he was such a good father to them before he left. I did txt him in the first 2wks after he left asking him to come home and to reconsider breaking our family but I got no reply so I stopped texting him altogether after a wk of no contact he sent a letter from a solicitor looking to sort finances and contact with children, I replied through the solicitor that he could see them any time he wanted , still no contact. A wk later he txt to discuss finances again I said I wasn’t at that stage yet as I’m still dealing with the emotional fallout of the separation he got cross and said he will no longer be discussing the separation with me only through the solicitor. I asked him to build his relationship with the girls and got no reply. He seems so angry and not just with me the our daughter too. Should I just leave him alone or keep trying for the girls? .
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 4, 2020 at 9:10 pm
Hi Tanya, so as much as I know it can be important for you to have a family unit you need to get your ex back for YOU not for your kids. Because eventually they will have grown and living their own lives. Kids adjust to separations much better than us adults do. I would say that if you want your ex back then you need to do it for yourself. Because you want to be with that person.
Angel
August 15, 2020 at 9:27 am
So I started Limited Contact only because we share 2 kids and they are very younger ages under 4 and the older one especially struggles to have mommy and daddy in 2 separate houses (he moved out 15days ago after 11ish years of marriage) The problem is older child my son wants to see mommy and daddy every day so it makes my limited contact s much harder. When daddy has older kid somewhere by 11am my son starts asking his daddy i want to go mommy’s home I am trying to work in polite manner in giving him tips that he needs to learn how to redirect child’s attention from it bcz I feel like the moment any our kids causes him trouble he contacts me so I fix it and dumb me falls for it MAINLY bcz I dont want kids to be in the stress because both of the kids are on Autism Spectrum and my husband almost never can handle their tantrums well. I mean he told me he had to cover the younger child’s mouth when he was screaming his lungs out so he wont get into trouble for making too much noise in the apt complex he is iving in or neighbors would not think he is doing something to his kids there. I am as mom still learning how to handle autistic kids tantrum it is very challenging because they have heir own world and I know how hard for them our world is… and I do too have moments when I do not know how to handle tantrum/melt down just walk away from a child but I think I learned a few trick by now that sometimes work but not all the time so I think that why it’s feels like I am tying to do limited contact but he is just not leaving me alone with his inability to handle a child. I am struggling to chose between kids comfort while we go through hard times or do I fully pursue my goal… one morning I did not respond to his call (well simply bcz I was sleeping lol ) and then I wake up on the door bell ring and there he is with younger child saying did you want to see him and exchange kids? by the time my brain was waking up trying to find what I need to say “per Limited guidelines” 🙂 my older child jumps to daddy’s hands and go like I want to go with you daddy… so technically I could of have another day of LC day but he does this UNPLANNED things that kind of for the sake of kids but they do side me off track with my trinity I am trying to work on… need advice or feedback what is a good approach I should take with all this?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 15, 2020 at 4:05 pm
Hey Angel, you need to speak with your ex about the issues directly. Explain that your children need to adjust to this change and the break up. You have to agree to set days and times where he is going to take the children out for the day, or to his place for the night etc. And there is no need to see the children in the mean time because it is unfair that there is no structure. You need to agree on days, times and places and then you tell him, unless there is an emergency we do not need to speak. Your child wanting to see Mam and Dad on the same day is just going to have to be something he adjusts to. Explain that Dad / Mam is working while he is with the other and they can see them tomorrow. Children adapt better and happier when they have routine and structure. So be kind, firm and clear with the new changes.
Jade
August 3, 2020 at 9:54 am
Hey, reading this was like reading exactly what my ex is doing to me!! I want him back but he literally refuses point blank to even talk to me unless it relates to the kids! It’s like he has implemented limited NC himself on me! I feel that there is absolutely no chance of him wanting to get back together. We were together 5 years, split about a year ago, in that time we have tried to sort things out but we would always end up arguing. I can feel him becoming more and more distant and it’s breaking my heart. Like before when he dropped kids off or picked them up he would come into my house and we would chat and be friendly, now he just drops them at the door and he doesn’t even speak to me. When we first broke up I knew he missed being a family as he always text asking what I’d done with the kids that day and how were they etc. Now he makes absolutely no contact at all unless it’s about arrangements for pick up/drop off. In fact he’s even blocked me on everything apart from email. I started to date someone else and he didn’t seem bothered at all until the possibility came up that this new person was going to meet the kids. Then he got angry with me. I’ve since finished with this person because I can’t date someone when I just want my ex back and want to be a family again. Also this lockdown has made me realise so much, what’s important in life and what my priorities should be. I look back and can see I wasn’t the best partner to him and wish I could’ve done things differently. But he won’t even let me speak to him about anything let alone suggest trying to get back together! My main fear is that he gets with someone else because I know it will devastate me but I can see it about to happen and then it makes me start to panic and want to reach out to him! What should I do
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 11, 2020 at 2:59 pm
Hey Jade, as you are working the limited no contact as it stands with your ex, your next move is working on your holy trinity and being ungettable. You need to show your ex that you are making positive changes to yourself and that you are happy with out him around. This idea is going to get him questioning his decision because you are happy and he isnt.