This is the ultimate nightmare scenario for women who go through a breakup, being pregnant.
You see, when most women go through a breakup they go through the 5 emotional stages that accompany that breakup,
Stage 1- “How in the world did this happen?”
Stage 2- ” There is no way that this is happening to me..”
Stage 3- ” LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”
Stage 4- ” How am I going to get him back?”
Stage 5- ” Can I survive without him?”
The stages seen above are normal for 99% of the women visiting this site.
But what about that 1%?
You know, the 1% that are going through a breakup AND pregnant?
I am going to admit that these cases are very rare but they do exist. Whats worse is the fact that there isn’t really much good information out there on the internet teaching women what to do if they find themselves in these rare circumstances. I plan on changing that with this page.
For the first time on Ex Boyfriend Recovery I am going to be talking about how to approach getting an ex boyfriend back if you find yourself pregnant with his child.
First things first though, I need to make sure your priorities are right.
Your Unborn Child Vs. Your Ex Boyfriend
Lets get something straight here, the most important thing in your life right now isn’t your ex boyfriend, it’s your child.
The second you found out that you were about to become a mother the game completely changed. You see, before you were pregnant your ex boyfriend was probably priority number one. You would have done anything for him.
How do I know that?
Well, you are pregnant with his child and you came to this page because despite him leaving you, at arguably the most important time of your life, you still want him back.
However, now that you are going to be a mother your boyfriend just became priority number two.
Yes, I know this is a page designed to help you get your ex boyfriend back (and don’t worry I am going to go above and beyond when it comes to that) but let me tell you something about “the love of your life.”
A real man wouldn’t have left you during this fragile time in your life. A real man would have stuck around for HIS child. A real man would have stepped up and found a way to take care of you AND his child. Unfortunately for you though, your ex boyfriend is not a real man.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizDon’t get me wrong, I understand why you want him back. He is the father of your unborn child and you want your family to be complete. Besides, it just doesn’t seem complete without him in the picture, right?
I totally get that and I promise you that I am going to impart as much wisdom as I possibly can on you to make sure you can achieve that goal. However, I want to ask you a question first,
Is your ex boyfriend even worth the effort to try to get back?
I already know your answer is going to be a resounding YES. However, you are answering from a place of extreme grief (your ex just left you) and I probably have a much more logical view of the situation than you do.
I would say that there is a scenario I can see where he is worth the effort to get back.
What is that scenario?
Only if he can add substantial value to you and your child’s life.
Now, if I were to tell you to pick out the most important word in that phrase what do you think it would be?
If you guessed,
SUBSTANTIAL
Then you would be right.
What do I mean when I say that in order for your ex to even be worth trying to get back he has to add substantial value to you and your child’s life?
Let me give you an example.
Lets say that your ex has a really secure well paying job, a stable house and you know for a fact that he has the ability to support you emotionally. Well, in this case that would mean your ex can bring a lot to the table and would probably be worth getting back.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
Wait… But Does Me Wanting An Ex Boyfriend Back Because Of His Job Make Me A Gold Digger?
If you wanted a man only because of his money then yes that does make you a gold digger.
However, it actually makes me angry when men throw around the gold digger accusation to women wanting money/help to support a child. The truth is that if a man gets a woman pregnant he has an obligation to step up and help.
Call me old fashioned but I believe that once you and another human being create a child together you can’t be selfish anymore. In fact, you have to become so selfless that you’d be willing to do anything to make sure that, that child can have a happy and healthy life.
Now, obviously you should want to get your ex boyfriend back for a lot more than just his financial obligation. He is the father or your child and without him your family is not complete. I know for a fact that you love him very much and I know that you feel he can be there for you emotionally.
However, the main point of me writing this section was this.
If it comes down to it, your child is going to take top priority over your ex.
Never forget that.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe “My Life Is Over” Mindset
In my experience there are two types of reactions men can have when they learn they are going to be a father for the first time.
- Some men will be extremely excited and dedicate the rest of their lives to making sure that they can do everything in their power to create a stable environment for their child.
- The other portion of men adopt the, “My life is completely over” mindset.
Unfortunately, since you are on this page it seems that your ex adopted the “my life is over” type of thinking.
So, what is this type of thinking and how does it apply to your relationship with your boyfriend?
I am glad you asked.
What Is The “My Life Is Over” Mindset?
There is an interesting story to how I came up with the idea of this mindset. Around three years ago a friend of mine had a pregnancy scare with his girlfriend. Now, at the time I was extremely close to this friend so I was the first person he called to vent to about the situation.
Him: “I don’t know what to do. She’s late and she’s never late.”
Me: “Give it some time. You told me there is still some time for her to have her period right?”
Him: “Ya… but what if she doesn’t? My life will be over. I can’t go out and have fun anymore…”
Thus, the “my life is over” mindset was born.
Some men are frightened to death of having a child because they know that the second that, that child comes into the world they can’t be that selfish anymore. They know that they are going to have to dedicate time and energy to the child and that threatens the freedom they have of running around and having fun.
Gone are the nights where they can stay out all night and get drunk with their friends.
Gone are the nights where they can jump from girl to girl having one night stand after one night stand (though some pathetic guys still do this.)
My point is simple, in these men’s minds the life that they have grown accustomed to living is over. Here is the most ironic part of the whole situation though. If your ex boyfriend has adopted this “my life is over” mindset he isn’t thinking too clearly.
The truth is that his life isn’t over it is just going to change.
The only constant in life is change and adding a baby into the mix whether he is with you or not is going to change his life. This is a fact that he will eventually accept but it just may take some time before he has this epiphany.
One of my favorite examples to cite when it comes to this mindset came from another friend of mine.
In fact, there is a really interesting story to this one as well.
A Real Life Case Study Of A Woman Who Got Her Ex Back While Pregnant
(Yes, apparantely Harry Potter got pregnant… and I think Ron or Malfoy is the father…) ”
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizBelieve it or not but the very first person who I helped get her ex boyfriend back was a woman who was pregnant.
The woman was actually a friend I had met in college. She ended up meeting a guy, falling in love and then he broke up with her which I am sure a lot of you can relate to.
The major twist here happened when she found out she was pregnant with his child literally a day after the breakup occurred. Of course, when she told her ex boyfriend that he was the father he adopted the, “my life is over,” mindset and ran off to try to preserve the life he had grown accustomed to.
My friend, the woman, was obviously devastated. The man who she fell in love with had rejected her, she had nowhere to go and on top of everything she was pregnant and broke.
Now, I don’t know about you but that is a really bad situation to be in.
Of course, when all of this happened the two of us hadn’t really talked in months. So, when I was goofing off on Facebook one day I was surprised to receive a personal message from her. We got to talking and she filled me in on everything that had been going on in her life.
She told me about how she fell in love, how he broke up with her, how she was now pregnant with his child and how she was still deeply in love with him.
The whole story made me feel bad to be honest and I kind of wanted to help her out.
So, at first I provided some support by listening to her situation and offering helpful tidbits of information here and there which she would sometimes take. However, eventually things had gotten so bad between her and her ex boyfriend that it didn’t seem like anything would work.
That’s when I decided I was going to do some research on how most people typically approach a situation where they are trying to get their ex boyfriends back. Through my research I learned a lot about male psychology, how to properly build attraction and the importance of timing.
However, I would have to say that the most useful piece of advice I learned was the no contact rule.
It was the first time I had ever heard of something where you essentially cut someone out for a certain period of time in order to make them realize how important they are to you. So, I suggested that my friend should try this on her ex. Of course, some modifications had to be made to a strict NC since she was pregnant and he had every right to know what was going on with his child.
So, the way she approached the situation was simple.
Any time where there was a checkup or any other important information regarding the baby she would be allowed to message or talk to him on the phone. Other than that however, she was strict about her NC and didn’t break it.
At first, it didn’t seem like it was working too well because she missed him more than she had ever missed anyone in her life before. However, slowly but surely the no contact rule began to work its magic as he started getting antsy and wondering why she wasn’t begging for him back anymore.
Perhaps I should hit the pause button and explain the timing of how this all went down.
My friend didn’t get into contact with me until she was already a month pregnant. Four months after she had got into contact with me I simply listened to her vent and provided the necessary,
“It’s going to be ok’s.”
and
“It’s all going to work out in the end’s.”
as I could to her.
Around the start of month six of her pregnancy I decided to suggest that she try out the no contact rule and she complied.
She did NC (in the way I described above) for about a month and a half before it fully worked and her ex wanted her back. Yes, about midway through month seven of her pregnancy her ex boyfriend accompanied her to a checkup for the baby and they got back together the very next day.
I guess the question you are wondering is why?
What was it that she did that made him want to get back with her?
Why He Went Back To Her
I believe there are a number of reasons that he went back to her.
I already taught you about the “my life is over” mindset and her ex definitely had some of that. Rather than accepting that his life was about to change he decided to run away from this fact and try to preserve the lifestyle he was so used to living. Of course, seven months after my friend told him the big news that she was pregnant he had some time to let reality set in and he began to realize that running away from his unborn child is not the right way to do things.
I have always found it interesting that men who get this MLIO (my life is over) mindset tend to have their hearts in the right place.
Now, that doesn’t excuse them for their pathetic actions of bailing but on some subconscious level they know that the second that, that child enters the world they are going to have to step up and act like a man. They know that they can’t be selfish anymore but rather selfless.
The idea that their life is over stems from this fact.
Of course, some men don’t come to this realization right away and that is where the no contact rule comes in, especially in this case.
What were some of the rules that my friend implemented when she was pregnant when it came to the no contact rule?
Well, she obviously wouldn’t contact him. However, when she went in for a checkup she felt he was entitled to know what was going on with his child so she would break NC then. Of course, she was short with him in those instances and any time he would try to steer the conversation to a topic other than their child she simply wouldn’t respond.
This was a massive 180 from the beginning of their breakup when she practically begged for him back and who can blame her?
She just found out she was pregnant. She had never felt more alone in her life and she was in love with him.
Her ex was just like most men in that he loved admiration. Any time she would beg for him back or plead for him to reconsider he kind of liked it. It made him feel wanted. It made him feel like he was powerful since he had a girl wanting him on this deep level.
Of course, when you fast forward seven months later the dynamic had changed when she blocked him out.
For the longest time he was used to her begging, used to her trying to reason with him and then all of a sudden it all stopped. The begging stopped, the reconsideration requests stopped, it all just stopped. He no longer felt wanted. He no longer felt needed.
This singular act of the no contact rule served as a wake up call for him that made him realize what a mistake he had made in leaving her and his child in the first place.
The Game Plan For Getting An Ex Back While Pregnant
We are going to take a page out of my friends book in how she got her ex back when we look at how to get yours back. Of course, it has been years since my friends situation unfolded and I am a bit more crafty now when it comes to exes so I have new insight and advice for you to implement on top of what she did.
Here’s a brief overview of what you should do,
- Modified NC
- Building Attraction
- Inviting To Checkups0
As always, I am going to be covering each of these steps in-depth.
The No Contact Rule During Pregnancy
Breakups tend to put people in a place where they feel highly emotional. Of course, pregnancy seems to do that to women too. So, when you couple the two together you are probably going to experience emotional pain like no other. This emotional pain is going to make doing the no contact rule extremely challenging.
Why?
I would say that a good 80% of women who visit this site and attempt the no contact rule end up failing it. Well, those 80% of women aren’t pregnant. So, if they are having such a rough time with no contact how do you think you are going to fare when you add in things like pregnancy hormones?
What I am about to say now is probably the most important piece of information you will find on this page.
Under no circumstances can you stray from NC in this case.
Why?
Because NC on a man who has left you while you are pregnant seems to have an increased effect since he is going to assume that you are going to beg for him back.
Of course, we are going to have to modify the no contact rule a little bit since you are pregnant and your ex does have a right to know what is going on.
Modification 1- If He Asks Anything About The Baby
I am going to leave this one up to you.
If you are in the middle of the no contact rule and he asks you something about the baby you are allowed to respond and talk to him about his inquiry. Of course, I do want to point out that if he shifts the focus to anything other than your child you are not to respond to him.
If I was in your position though the only time I would talk to him about the baby is if I were to volunteer the information myself.
Look, the thing to remember here is that these rules only apply for the time during the NC rule. After the NC rule you can go back to normal.
Modification 2- Volunteering Information On Checkups
As I am sure you have noticed one of the major sections on this page has to do with how to handle the checkups you get when you are pregnant. Well, during the NC rule you aren’t supposed to invite him to the checkups. Rather you are supposed to go to the checkup yourself and then volunteer the information to him after the fact.
Why?
Because this paints you in an independent light and should make him realize what he is missing out on.
Will it make him angry?
Probably.
But you know what?
He has no right to be angry when he is the one who left. This is what he misses out on when he leaves so make sure you make him realize that.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
Building Attraction After The No Contact Rule
After the no contact rule is up then that’s when you should start building some attraction in your ex boyfriend.
What is the best way to do this?
The truth is that it’s a little too long to go into here. So, what I have done is compiled a list of the best guides I have written on Ex Boyfriend Recovery for building attraction. Check them out below,
- Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO– My E-Book that covers exactly what to do, what to say and how to act in order to get your ex boyfriend back in pretty much any situation you can think of.
- How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back– The very first guide I ever wrote for this site that talks a lot about rebuilding attraction in your ex boyfriend.
- How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Love You Again– An excellent guide that focuses ONLY on how to build attraction in your ex boyfriend.
- Get An Ex To Chase You– Another excellent guide that focuses on what you need to do if you want a man to chase after you (which can be helpful in your case.)
I know me linking to those pages is kind of weak and you probably want me to write something long and in-depth on how to build attraction in your ex but the truth is that those pages are excellent at teaching you how to do it. Besides, we have another very important issue to cover, how to handle checkups.
The Invitation To Pregnancy Checkups
One of the smartest things that I feel my friend did when she was trying to get her ex boyfriend back was the fact that she would invite him to her checkups.
I actually remember she would tell me how excited she was to see him during these checkups. She even compared it to a date once.
Now, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but one of the biggest advantages to being pregnant and trying to get your ex boyfriend back is that you can use these checkups as a way to get him on your own version of a mini date. I know that sounds a little weird but hear me out.
When you go on a date with someone the main objective is to get that person to feel a connection with you. Generally speaking if you don’t feel a connection with that person you aren’t going to go on another date with that person. Now, let me ask you something.
What can make two human beings more connected than going to checkup and checking on a baby that is essentially made from them?
I dare you to find an activity that can match the level of connection that something like that can.
What you want to be doing is using these checkups as a way to slowly advance things and take advantage of your opportunities.
A Final Word
I don’t want to end on a bummer but I feel this is important to mention.
It’s not out of the realm of possibility that even if you do everything right, if you hit all the right emotional buttons within your ex you still may not get him back. This is another human being we are talking about here and as much as you may wish you had the ability to mind control him you can’t.
I don’t want this to discourage you and let you think that your dating life is over forever, it’s not.
The truth of the matter is that a man who leaves you during a time when you are pregnant is pathetic. No excuse can be made for that.
I know it sounds cliche but there are men out there who would be more than happy to have a beautiful woman with a child. So, if your ex can’t see you for the incredible person that you are then you can find a man who knows your value and who will treat you right.
Leah Howlett
October 20, 2024 at 4:47 am
Hi Chris,
I’ve been reading your blogs and taking all of your advice to heart. I’m learning so much and it’s bringing me a lot of comfort right now.
I’m pregnant.
And I’m in love with the dismissive avoidant who got me pregnant and just told me two days ago “he can’t do this” and I need to “please stop calling him”
I’m anxious AF.
So I told him,
I’ll text you when the baby is born and you can decide what you want to do then. Here is your 8 month break. Bye.
The next night I wrote a little nicer goodbye:
“ Let me clarify… I’m not meaning that in a threatening or guilt trip way.
This is a #1 life stressor we are dealing with here. We have got to cut each other some slack.
This is crazy.
Im not holding you hostage. I never will. I have no expectations from you. Let me know if I can help. You are a good person. I will never think less of you no matter what you chose, whenever you chose it.
Take me out of the picture completely and think of what you want in your life.
Don’t tell me, just do that. Listen to your gut. I am an not putting a timeline on anything that’s what I meant by 8month break.
Really, take as much time as you need.
Okay I’ve clarified 🙂 Goodbye ❤️”
I wrote that to him three nights ago and I have not said a word to him. I meant every word. If he’s out I want him out. He’s not taking me and the baby on his insecure roller coaster ride.
Well three days NC He went on my Snapchat tonight and opened a snap I sent him two months ago.
I feel like he’s wondering why I haven’t blown him up yet.
Because I’m not going to.
I want to get over him. I have to be ready for the fact that he might be out of my life forever.
But when I first told him I was pregnant he seemed excited and said “everything will be okay Leah don’t worry”
Then said his mom had a crib for me and blah blah.
Then I panicked and said I’m in love with him and can’t be his friend and coparenting is going to be hard.
Yikes.
Then he said “I can’t do this. And no I’m not in the mood for everything is gonna be okay bullshit.”
And that’s when I sent him the goodbye text.
It’s so convoluted and weird. He’s so hot and cold, on and off. Cuts me off then tells me he misses me.
I’m over it.
I want this baby and I’m having it. I want to be over him. But what if he comes back? I need a male perspective here. Please.
Reading your blogs have been the only thing saving me from texting him “I know you’re a dismissive avoidant and this is your worst nightmare. Sorry you can’t handle the pressure. Now go Get therapy. Byeeeee”
Haha.
But really, I honestly care about this guy and I know he’s struggling. And alone. And even though it’s by choice… he’s alone. Of course I am too, but he doesn’t see that as a bad thing like I do.
I want to give him advice or the option of looking into his dismissive fearful avoidant behavior. He says he doesn’t want to be stuck. But then acts like he’s going right back to his comfy lonely controlled like. but I should probably keep my mouth shut?
Help me please!
Thanks Chris ❤️
Pamela
October 19, 2024 at 5:49 am
I hope you see this. My situation is a whole lot different. He doesn’t want the relationship anymore but wants to be there for every appointment. So he has asked that I let him know. The break up happened after we found out we were pregnant. He wanted to be a father, I was skeptical… but eventually, we decided to do it. We couldn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things and he just became so called and mean to me while we were cohabiting. Eventually, the lack of care drove me to move out and he would go days without saying a word to me.. only when someone else from my circle called him out on it. Eventually, he told me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and didn’t even want to try but wanted us to have the baby and coparent.
Nicola
December 23, 2023 at 9:02 pm
I would like to know if you are supposed to tell your ex you don’t want any contact before you go into no contact?
Do you block his number whilst in no contact?
If he asks if you are ok during no contact can you reply?
Coach Shaunna
December 31, 2023 at 4:19 am
Hi Nicola, do not tell your ex that you are following the NC rule you do not block them you just complete your NC without reaching out or replying to your ERP until the 30 or 45 days are complete.
Sunny
July 26, 2023 at 3:04 pm
What if he refuses to go to the check ups because he doesn’t want the baby? Do you still send him updates during the NC phase if he doesn’t want them?
Coach Shaunna
October 21, 2023 at 11:05 am
Hey Sunny, I would suggest that you update him with major events but not with the smaller appointments. Enjoy your pregnancy and focus on your health
freya
July 26, 2022 at 8:03 am
Im 7th month pregnant with my exboyfriend, he’s having anxiety because he wants to be there full support but he couldnt because of work, he hasnt told his parents yet that he’s having a son (hes 29) for they might think that he added another responsibility to his list. in short he is scared and doesnt know what to do but everytime he thinks that theres a baby on the way he gets excited but scared. im already on my day 15th on limited no contact. all i want him to do is he let his parents know. and im getting stress of him going back and forth with his anxiety
Coach Shaunna Nicol
August 5, 2022 at 5:36 pm
Hi Freya, it sounds as if he isn’t dealing with it in a mature way. Is there a genuine reason he isn’t telling his parents? I would suggest that you mainly focus on yourself and baby at the moment, you need to be prepared to do a lot of this parenting by yourself by the sounds of things. You are having a child, you don’t need to try and raise another.
If he wants to be with you and involved, then you need to set clear boundaries and explain to him if this is not what he commit to then he needs to accept that he isn’t ready to be a parent.
Freya
July 25, 2022 at 10:26 am
Im 6 months pregnant and my baby daddy is having anxiety that he really wants to be there for me and the baby but due to work and responsiblities at home he couldnt commit to me. He is also having difficulties telling his parents that theyre going to be grandparents (hes 29). Im on day 15 of my NC and only message him when it comes to check up. Should i continue NC will he ever man up to me
Coach Shaunna Nicol
August 5, 2022 at 5:37 pm
Hi Freya, with your no contact, remain in no contact unless it is about baby or wants to get back together. I don’t see him growing up and supporting you until you are ready to stand up to his immature ways and show him you are willing to do this alone.
Mary jane
July 5, 2022 at 6:08 am
Should we invite him to the check ups or no?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
July 24, 2022 at 9:02 pm
That is your call, I would suggest you make the offer for them to be there and if they choose not to thats on them.
Ira
April 8, 2022 at 11:35 am
Hi, I quickly found out I was pregnant a few weeks into dating, everything was going well and he was extremely loving and reassuring about us up until I got pregnant. As soon as he learned of my pregnancy he completely changed the narrative of our relationship and what he wants from me, and now he says he does not want to be with me. He’s told me on multiple occasions that me becoming pregnant drove him away and changed his feelings towards me, I’m now almost 4 months pregnant and devastated.
I feel that a major mistake I made was giving him complete access to me during the time he was expressing his fears and hesitations surrounding my pregnancy and being way too understanding about how he felt and how his life was changing.
Any advice you can give us greatly appreciated.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 11, 2022 at 6:30 pm
Hey Ira, so you would need to now follow a limited no contact and only speak with him about the pregnancy to a point where he is on a need to know basis. Otherwise spend this time enjoying your pregnancy, as much as it may feel, it does not last long and baby will be here before you know it. Your feelings for him will be nothing for the love you have for that child on its way. Just keep working on yourself and prepare for motherhood.
kay
March 21, 2022 at 9:30 am
hi there! i am currently in an awful situation. my boyfriend & i have been together for over 2 years (2y 5m to be exact) & i found out i was pregnant about a month ago & at the time i must’ve been maybe about 2-3 weeks pregnant. just like anyone else we were shocked given i was on bc & for me abortion/adoption was just out of the question & he made it sound like abortion was the only option. along with that he was saying that he couldn’t be a dad, we’re going to ruin our lives, we weren’t financially stable & our relationship wasn’t in the best place given we have broke up once already & that we argue a lot. but i just felt morally wrong to even consider having an abortion. so with me being in complete shocked still, i kind of gave into that option to make him happy. he then took initiative to call planned parenthood to get info about the abortion process & proceeded to tell me about it & to start it, but i couldn’t get myself to doing so, so i told him i’d do it on my own time. two weeks passed & he bugged me again to do it but at that point i’ve come to my decision that i didn’t want to abort & put my foot down. since then he’s never bothered me about it & recently told me that he respects my choice. but just a few days ago he told me that he wasn’t ready to be a dad & then proceeded to state all the reasons again about not being financially stable, our relationship not in best place, now not currently living together (he moved in with his grandma for other reasons prior to finding out about pregnancy), & not being married because he said he wanted to do it right. he then said if i wanted to be selfish & keep the baby, that he couldn’t be with me anymore, & he broke up with me. although in the process of breaking up with me he did say he loved me a lot & cared about me. we haven’t talked or anything since, but i just have this crazy urge to do so & try to get him back. i do want to fix things & make things better between us . he says we both need to work on ourselves & maybe later we can see how things are & see if it’ll work. but the thing is, is that i’m pregnant & i cant stall time. so idk what to even do
Stephany
March 12, 2022 at 8:01 am
Hi, so my ex broke up with me couple of days ago, im 6 months pregnant.
Idk what the real reason is that he broke up with me but he says he needs to work on himself and it’s pretty much lost, moving forward he’s been telling me that for about a month before he broke up with me, he kept staying cause i was begging him constantly not to leave, he will stay but still felt the same so eventually it didn’t work so he left, when it actually happened i went through anger,sadness, depression and really bad anxiety, he kept and keeps telling that he does wanna be with me and does want me but rn he’s not on his right mind, even after that I kept begging and even told me that i would still be here for him (regret it) he did say that he didn’t want me to wait cause its not fair for me but that he wanted to start over (no relationship,no attachment, just love and trying to recandle) and also said that it was the only way he saw to keep things in peace, idk how to feel about it. Cause the last 2 times we saw each other we ended up having sex and obviously that doesn’t change anything, it’s been a couple of days and I decided to not contact him again.
Should i still invite to check ups or just go with a friend? I do gotta say im very in love with him still, even tho he says he loves and cares for me, and do wants to be with me but its not the right time i still have hope and it’s killing me…
Anna
January 22, 2022 at 1:07 pm
I am confused.
You say in the article that the woman is supposed to go to the check-ups alone and just report to him about it.
A little further down you say it is the best thing to use the check-ups to your advantage and invite him.
Which one is better now?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 24, 2022 at 7:27 pm
Hey Anna, so if your ex does not want to come then you keep them involved if they ask. If your ex wants to come to the appointments then allow him, be civil and get along but do not speak about your break up or getting back together. The remainder of your time you need to follow a limited no contact.
Krissy
December 7, 2021 at 12:01 am
Hi!! my name is Kris, I’m currently 7 months pregnant. My bf of 3 years has finally broke up with me. Back story about me I’m 35 with 4 kids all teenagers I had them when I was younger, raised them alone and they are AWESOME kids. I don’t get into relationships much because of so. Anyway my bf age 41 has NO KIDS. We had been talking about marriage, planning a fun life and decided to have a kid!! Yes, I know I should’ve learned my lesson from the other 2 failed relationships resulting into single motherhood I was young then.
However, this time seemed different. We were best friends, we did everything together, we went on dates every weekend, we attend family functions we were a really fun couple…. However, during the 3 years we argued ALOT!!! He’s very stubborn, every time we break up I’m the one who fixes things, he blames me for everything!!! Once I found out I was pregnant our arguing intensely increased. We both lost trust in each other and I think he’s talking to other women although he denies it. I have never caught him or been confronted so maybe he’s been telling the truth. It’s his actions.
He had grown distant, he got a new number and hasn’t given it to me the entire 7 months because he says I call him too much and we fuss. So I have to wait for him to contact me. He has changed I been fighting and praying for us because I love him….. But now he broke up with me. Says he NOTHING to do with me only will be a great father to our kid. I’m so heartbroken he knows all I’ve been thru as a single mom and now putting me thru the same. I’m hurt, embarrassed, feel misunderstood, harshly judged by people who barely knows me, and tired of chasing him and tryna work it out. I’ve lost myself in this latter part of relationship and pregnancy and he knows it. He says he’s NO longer attracted to me and doesn’t want me anymore. Our kid was planned and he knows my sacrifices to give him his 1st kid when I was done having kids (I LOVE HIM THAT MUCH) …. I tried NC for a week but he’s so stubborn and with narcissist ways that he let me suffer. So I popped up at his house mad how he treated me which lead to another INTENSE argument. Which after He said he hates me many times. He’s never done that until pregnant. It was a explosive argument where I got so frustrated I pushed him a few times out of anger….. it is was a BAD breakup!! I know this is a WHOLE LOT but do you think I should do next???? Im no amateur to single motherhood but I really want our relationship to work out for our unborn baby.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 16, 2022 at 9:44 pm
Hey Krissy, I understand that you want this relationship to work for the baby to have both parents in their lives full time, but sadly this is not enough to want a relationship to work. A relationship with a narcissist is extremely frustrating, difficult and tiresome. I would say from his actions that maybe he got scared of the commitment that is about to come into his life, but as you said he wanted his first child and you have given that to him almost as a sacrifice because you were almost done with your teens. I would say that your next steps would be to complete a full 45 days NC and see how you feel when you come to the end of that one as you need to be sure that you want to be with him because you love him not just because you want the babys father around. If you want him back for yourself and your relationship then start following the program.
Kate
November 7, 2021 at 10:44 pm
I’m very pregnant. Due in 7 weeks. My ex left us about 3 weeks ago. After he took some things of his from our house, I started NC. He then texted a week later and asked to meet. Said he wanted to come back. Then he backed out. A week after he showed up at my house. We talked. He wants to come back. Then fell off again. Very back and forth. I started NC yesterday after zero effort from him (since he’s the one who walked out). I need to focus on me and my kids. Now he’s asked to meet again but then zero effort. I’m honestly just irritated and worn out. Do I continue with no contact even if he throws in another false positive “I want to come back, I miss you”? I’ll almost bet it’ll happen again.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 17, 2021 at 10:25 pm
Hi KAte, it sounds as if your guy is scared of the commitment and responsibility rather than your relationship. If he is serious about coming back you tell him straight this is his LAST chance and that he should not be putting you through this during pregnancy especially right at the end. He needs to move in with his things and just deal with the fear and communicate better with you.
Stephany Ann Booras
September 21, 2021 at 12:59 am
I appreciate this article but am looking for some advice particular to my situation. Me and my ex had dated, fell in love and decided to get married 2.5 months into our relationship. A week later I found out I was pregnant which was planned by us both. I am now 11 weeks pregnant and my ex husband has decided to move out 2 weeks ago and states he is done with out relationship. We fought quite a lot as I knew it was something we would go through since we were still technically getting to know each-other. But they were fights I thought we would truly overcome. He’s moved back home to his moms and he states he feels happier and less stressed out. All the while here I am left alone and pregnant. I’m feeling so many emotions and don’t know what to do at this point. I want to cut him out completely, but he seems dedicated to being there for the baby and wants to attend all appointments. My ex says the main reason he left is he feels he cannot trust me and feels I didn’t appreciate him enough. He has some major insecurities from previous relationships. Should I try NC throughout my pregnancy at the end of the day I feel like he is the one who walked out on us and this experience.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 23, 2021 at 5:32 pm
Hey Stephany, you need to follow a limited no contact period where you would only speak to your ex when and if he needs to know something about baby. This article should give you some ideas about how to deal with your situation…
https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-your-ex-back-when-you-have-a-child-with-them/
Mandy
June 4, 2021 at 10:34 pm
My fiance and I broke up 3 weeks ago. He broke it off, saying he needed his freedom and his own life after months of us trying to make things work (he has been unhappy since December). I also found out during the course of us trying that he cheated on me with his ex, which he continued to lie about even when breaking up with me.
Two weeks ago I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant. That makes me 6/7 weeks now. I told him about it yesterday after being in NC the whole time. He had a total freak out and all but begged me to get an abortion. I told him I wanted the baby with or without him. I’ve gone strict NC since and will wait until the next appointment to tell him anything.
I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t know if I even want him back, though I would like my baby to know its father. His reaction and the break up has made me see him in a bad light. How do I know if I should take him back? If he even comes around to it? He says he doesn’t want to be a part of the baby’s life but I know him and he says one thing but does another. How do I handle all of this?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 5, 2021 at 8:43 pm
Hi Mandy, if he does not want to be with you, but wants to be in the childs life – this is what you need to prepare for. As co-parenting is difficult when you have some emotions that you are not sure of. I would suggest that you keep him updated with the pregnancy but do not reach out to him for any other reason. He should not want to get back with you just because you are having a child, he needs to come back to be with you, for you.
Alysha
May 1, 2021 at 1:11 pm
So I had been with my ex for at least 3-4 months and I’m 9-10 weeks pregnant we both decided that abortion was the best option but after my first ultra sound I was having second thoughts but that same day he broke up with because he wasn’t feeling appreciated enough in the last little bit of our relationship so I couldn’t tell him how I was feeling but when I did he told me I was trying to trap him and has now moved to a different city, he has my blocked on everything except two of my Instagram accounts and I did beg for him back for a couple days after the breakup and for the first 3 days things were going ok while we were talking it seemed like he was gonna give me another chance but now he’s gone and he’s telling me I broke him so he dosnt wanna be with me anymore I’m not ready to let go of him and idk what to do from here please help me
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 13, 2021 at 8:51 pm
Hi Alysha, if you are keeping the baby you need to make that clear to him, but you also need to understand that he may be scared, tell you he does not want to be involved and you are choosing to accept that. You need to also stick with a limited no contact, where you would only speak to him about the pregnancy or baby otherwise you NC as normal. Work on yourself and prepare yourself for motherhood if this is the path you are choosing.
Alyssa
January 9, 2021 at 2:38 am
So, we got pregnant, 4 weeks into our relationship, like a lot of people, that news was intense and changed the dynamic of the relationship 100%
I was emotional, we both agreed abortion was out of question and to co parent together.
Yet, he comes to stay, says he misses me, and I cave in.. then it suddenly back to co parenting again… and that all we are.
Do I do the nc rule? But still let him know appointments? As he wants to be part of all that.
Bit confused.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 11, 2021 at 7:03 pm
Hi Alyssa, yes you need to follow the limited no contact rule where you only tell him what he needs to know otherwise you ignore him. If he comes to you telling you he wants to sort things out and misses you etc, then agree to start DATING again. Not sleeping with him etc make him work to be the boyfriend again not just falling back into the same routines over and over again as clearly that is not working.
Nicki
November 29, 2020 at 12:44 am
Hello,
Thank you for writing this article.
A little insight on my situation and hope you can offer advice. I am 10 weeks pregnant. My ex left a month ago and was adamant that he was not ready to be a father and didn’t want to be a part of this baby’s life. He has a stable life and his family was super excited about the baby until he threatened to never talk to them again if they are part of it. He tried to push abortion (something I did contemplate for him but just ultimately couldn’t go through with it, baby over boyfriend) every second he could so it felt best for us to break up. We both cried a lot when we were breaking up and it took him 3 hours to leave my house. I haven’t talked to him since we broke up and it has torn me apart. Because he doesn’t want anything to do with the baby, I haven’t updated him about any appointments or information about the baby as I don’t want to shove anything down his throat. I do want him back. We had such a great relationship up until we found out I was pregnant (no joke the day we found it, it turned into a nightmare, something I never experienced with him before). I know I can do this without him but I am still terrified and I really love him. Should I give up any hope for us? Should I continue the no contact rule? I really don’t know what to do. All I want to do it try with him.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 30, 2020 at 7:51 pm
Hi Nicki, so first of all good for you not being pushed into something you didnt want to do, but the same side he is not ready to be a father then you need to accept that you are doing this alone (with support of your family I am hope). You have time for him to change his mind about being a father, he could well be afraid of growing up and having to take care of another human full time. But if he doesn’t it is 100% his loss and you can allow his family access if they want to. It does not mean he has to be involved. I would just focus on yourself right now and your pregnancy, you will see when baby is born that this is totally his loss and that you will get over him breaking up with you.
Jane
October 30, 2020 at 11:41 pm
My ex boyfriend and I met last June 2019 and he ended up our relationship last February 2020 because he wasn’t happy anymore. I couldn’t accept his reason because there was no 3rd party issue. But I gave him what he wanted. After a month he came back realizing that he shouldn’t have done that. So we went back together and after couple of months he broke up with me again and I ended up pregnant with him. I told him right away and he said that he didn’t want to be part of this. I was so devastated but I just accepted the fact that we’re done and I had enough. I was 12 weeks pregnant when I contacted him and beg him to come back, he refused it many times and later on he said he wanted to try but it didn’t work anymore and he promised me again not to be part of our lives anymore. Then after couple of weeks, he contacted me to recognize his child but he couldn’t love me anymore, I have accepted it because that is his right. It’s been 6 weeks already that he keeps on helping me buying groceries and sending me messages almost everyday asking how am I doing? Because there was a complication on my pregnancy. I told myself he maybe wanted to know of i’m okay and everything is fine on my end with the baby. But I still in love with him and I want him badly back in my life. But 4 days ago, he told me that we couldn’t be together anymore. I really don’t know what to do, we keep on seeing each other and sending messages because he wanted to have a nice relationship with me as we’re going to be a parent soon.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 31, 2020 at 3:33 pm
Hi Jane, so you need to follow the program if you want this guy back in a relationship this starts with a limited no contact, and when pregnant that means that you can speak to him when important things happen, otherwise there is no need for you to speak with him while broken up. I would attempt to take care of yourself, and show him that you do not need him even though he is going to be in your childs life. Read some more articles about how to follow the program and stick with it to see positive changes.
Ash
October 28, 2020 at 11:14 pm
So I’m kind of in a weird situation. I have a child from a previous marriage (I’m 30 and my daughter is 6.) i recently got out of an emotionally abusive relationship and it was also sexless too for like 8 months. I started dating this guy and we were together for about a month. Everything was great and then his dad started dying. I found out I was pregnant (we both wanted a kid. I know. We are insane) anyway after I told him I was pregnant he said he couldn’t be in a relationship right now because he was so depressed and a shell of a person that he wouldn’t be able to make me happy. Of course I argued that but let it go. I was furious but remained calm. This was over text so way worse too. Anyway. He was with a girl 6 years before me. She cheated on him and got pregnant and he thought it was his and he was with her and the baby about a year after the baby was born and she just up and left one day and moved on with the real father of her child. So I’m sure that has something to do with this as well. We have barely stayed in contact. I’ve seen him 3 times briefly since the breakup and he’s is clearly a wreck emotionally. He had to pull the plug on his dad a few days ago. He’s also only 24. He only contacts me when he needs something like emotional support. I went over the day after his dad died to console him. He tried to kiss me and tell me he wanted to have sex and I was like “No. you’re grieving and I don’t know if this is real so it’s a bad idea.” He apologized and I left for work. We have talked a little since then but anytime I need him emotionally he’s just not there. I invited him to my checkup that will be on November 17th and he said he mentally can’t handle being in a doctors office right now which To me feels like an excuse since he can go out and play shows at raves -_-
Anyway all I said was “k. I have someone coming with me anyway but I thought I would offer.” He hasn’t spoken to me since and that was a couple of days ago. I’m definitely going to do NC now but any chance you see us getting back together? And what else can I do? You just can’t take the connection that we had. I’m honestly shocked that he knowingly raised a kid that wasn’t his and was fine that she cheated but breaks up with a girl who is carrying his actual child. It just blows my mind.
-Ash