This is going to be one of the most important articles ever written for Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
Why?
Because no matter what your situation may be you need to learn how to keep a conversation going with your ex boyfriend if you want to have any chance of getting him back.
About a week ago I received a question from a visitor in the comments section here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery that went something like this,
Hi Chris, I absolutely love your website and everything you do for women. I have a question. I have no trouble getting my ex boyfriend to respond to my texts but I can’t seem to keep a conversation going with him. I am really worried I may be missing my opportunity.
Now that is what I like to call a “good question.”
Oh, and in case you are wondering there is such a thing as a bad question.
Bad Question = Can I contact my ex during his birthday if it falls under the no contact rule?
Recently I have been having my wife help me with the comments section of this website so we can both help more women in need but any time either of us see this question we both roll our eyes and shout,
“Here’s another one…”
By the way…
The answer is NOOOOOOOO.
Anyways, I got a little off track there.
I want this article to be something special.
Actually I want everything I write to be special but I promise you that I am going to really go above and beyond for you here.
And I suppose the logical place to start is with the three types of conversations you are going to be attempting with your ex boyfriend.
Ready?
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The Three Types Of Conversations You Will Be Attempting
I cover these three types of conversations extensively in my Texting Bible and Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.
However, I want to give you quality information here so what you are about to read is the equivalent of a paid product.
There are three types of conversations that you will have with your ex boyfriend during the course of your campaign to get him back.
So, the three types of conversations are,
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- Phone Calls
- Face To Face
Now, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the way we communicate and the type of conversations that we have within these three types are unique to each of them. What I would like to do is teach you how to keep a conversations going within each type but in order to do that we have to lay a foundation of what we are trying to accomplish in each conversation.
Rather than ramble on and on lets just get right to it.
CONVERSATION TYPE #1 – Texting
As you learned in my Texting Bible and last week the goal of texting is actually quite simple.
The Goal Of Texting- To eventually talk to him on the phone.
Of course, I explained that in order to do that attraction and rapport has to be built.
That’s where keeping a conversation going comes into play.
But how?
How do you keep a conversation going on arguably the most difficult medium to keep a conversation going?
I know what you are thinking.
“But wait… What do you mean texting is the hardest medium to keep a conversation going in?”
Allow me to explain.
Lets pretend that you and I are texting back and forth at a pretty good clip.
You are holding my interest and I am holding yours.
But then the conversation starts to waver a bit.
Eventually you send me a text message that bores me and I decide that I don’t want to text back.
That act right there…
Me just deciding not to respond because I got bored kills the conversation. This isn’t as easy to do on the phone. I mean, if someone asks you a question on the phone they expect a response. You can’t just sit there on a phone and not respond. The same goes if you are sitting face to face with the person.
It’s not like you can just magically disappear from a conversation if the person you are talking to is right in front of you.
With texting though you can and that’s what makes it so difficult.
The State Of Texting An Ex Boyfriend Today
I am a bit older than the average reader of Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
My traffic analysis data tells me that the average age of the visitors who visit this website is about 23 years old.
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Though I suppose when you look at things from a “generational” perspective I am talking to my generation here.
Which is what makes what I have to say next a little scary.
Our generation is dumber than a goldfish…
Ok, that’s not exactly a true statement but would you like to know something really scary.
The average attention span of a goldfish is 9 seconds
That’s not the scary part though… this is,
The average attention span of a human in 2015 is 8.25 seconds
This means that WE have a shorter attention span than a goldfish. 
Now, you may be wondering why I was mentioning all that “generation” talk above.
Well, back in the year 2000 the average attention span of a human being was 12 seconds.
It’s funny… as I was just writing this it didn’t take me more than five seconds before I clicked over into another window to check my email… and then to check my E-Book sales… and then back to my email again… and then I realized what I was doing and thought that I would tell you about it so I clicked back to write this paragraph.
(I think my average attention span is more like five seconds.)
Now, I truthfully don’t know if it’s our generations fault.
It is awfully easy to blame us though since we have become accustomed to so many things that our parents and their parents before them didn’t have.
Things like,
- The internet…
- Smart phones…
- Email…
- Video games…
- iPads…
- Texting…
The list goes on and on.
What’s the point of me telling you all of this.
Well, when you are having a conversation with your ex boyfriend you will be essentially having a conversation with a man who has the attention span of a goldfish.
There will be a lot of distractions and a lot of easy ways for him to duck out of the conversation and that’s why texting has become so difficult.
BUT I think I have an idea you will dig.
Our Attention Spans Last Longer Than 8 Seconds In One Place Don’t They?
What’s your favorite movie?
Speaking personally I don’t have one…
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So basically I love any movie that makes me feel emotional.
Hmm…
Let me think of the last time I felt that way in a movie and we can use that I suppose…
Interstellar…
Yup, that was the last movie that made me go,
“Holy sh*t… This is incredible.”
The music…
The incredible scope…
The emotion…
It was just a great movie.
What’s the point of telling you this?
Easy, when I was watching “Interstellar” my attention span was not 8 seconds. It was more like ten minutes.
(And I only say ten minutes because my attention probably got distracted at one point by my brother fidgeting in the chair next to me…)
But even at ten minutes that is an incredible difference between 8 seconds.
So, what if I told you that the best way to keep a conversation going with your ex boyfriend is to treat every interaction with him like a movie.
Now I know what you are thinking.
“Ok….. How would that even work?”
The Movie Texting Conversation Method
If you haven’t already read my book on texting, The Texting Bible I suggest you grab that because that will explain what I am talking about here in a much more in-depth manner but I am going to do my best for you.
So, when you text your ex boyfriend there are a few things that need to be accomplished.
- Every text you send needs to have a purpose and fit into the greater “story arc” that you are going to tell.
- Every text needs to be interesting enough to NOT cause your ex boyfriend to lose attention which is challenging due to his fish like attention span.
Lets talk about this idea of a “story arc” first.
Every movie, good or bad, has a plot to it.
It tells a story.
And there is a beginning, a middle and an end.
Thus, I want your entire conversation with your ex boyfriend to fit into a story arc…
This story arc,
So, you have the opening (which leads to) a rising action (which leads to) a climax (which leads to a resolution.)
When you are texting your ex boyfriend every text that you send needs to have a purpose. I said that above, right?
Well, what I mean by that is every text you send needs to fit into one of these categories.
Let me explain the categories a little bit better for you.
Opening
Every good story needs to have an epic opening.
What’s an example?
Hmm…
Let’s use Batman for this.
Specifically, “The Dark Knight.”
Do you remember how that movie opened?
It opened with a gang of bank robbers robbing the bank… with a little twist.
Every bank robber had instructions to kill another bank robber until there was one bank robber left… The Joker.
This opening captivated audiences and I remember my own Father was raving about this scene.
Well, the equivalent of a great opening in a movie is a great opening with a first contact text which you can learn about here.
Let’s move on to the rising action.
Rising Action
The dictionary defines rising action as,
A related series of incidents in a literary plot that build toward the point of greatest interest.
So, in “The Dark Knight” the incidents that make up “the rising action” are,
- The Mob hires the Joker to kill the Batman
- The Joker starts killing people to lure Batman out
- Batman starts to cave to the pressure and decides to turn himself in
- Harvey Dent takes the Batman’s place
- The Joker is captured
- This Scene…
- The Joker captures Harvey Dent & Rachel Dawes
Essentially the rising action is all the things that are done to lead things to the ultimate climax
So, what is the rising action when it comes to texting an ex boyfriend?
Well, it’s all the things that are done to build attraction and rapport. I talked a lot about this last week and obviously in the bible.
So, if you want a more in-depth explanation make sure you go there.
Let’s move on to the climax.
The Climax
This is where things start to get fun.
The climax is defined as,
The most intense, exciting, or important point of something; a culmination or apex.
Lets turn to Batman again for our explanation of the climax.
Personally speaking I think the most intense and exciting event of “The Dark Knight” is the interrogation scene but that’s not the actual climax.
The actual climax is this scene,
I know the gif image above is kind of dark but it’s the best one I could find.
The climax is basically the scene where Rachel Dawes blows up and dies.
Everything after that point is how the characters deal with it.
So, what is the climax when it comes to texting your ex boyfriend.
It’s… kind of complicated.
In order to understand it you need to understand the phone call transition text.
What Is The Phone Call Transition Text?
It’s basically a special text you send that allows you to go from texting your ex boyfriend to talking on the phone with him.
The premise goes like this.
You start a really interesting story,
One that really catches his interest and then right before you finish the story you send him a text like this,
Do you know where the climax is?
It’s right here,
This is basically the most intense, exciting and important point of texting your ex boyfriend.
Why?
Because it’s the moment that you are really going to decide if you can transition from texting to talking on the phone.
Oh, there is one final thing to cover.
Resolution
The resolution is defined as,
The part of the story’s plot line in which the problem of the story is resolved or worked out.
In The Dark Knight the resolution of the film occurs after Rachel’s death as we see how Harvey Dent and Bruce Wayne deal with it.
Harvey Dent ends up going insane and starts killing people as he turned into Two Face,
Bruce Wayne ends up being depressed about Rachel’s death but ultimately stands as a true hero for Gotham by pretending like he murdered all the people that Dent murdered and even killed Harvey Dent. By doing this he paints Harvey Dent as a true hero while he becomes a villain. Ultimately he achieves peace in Gotham by doing this. Well, at least until the next movie.
So, what is the resolution when it comes to texting an ex boyfriend?
Again, I want to turn to the phone call transition text.
Specifically this one,
Here the resolution occurs at the point where you ask if you can talk to your ex boyfriend on the phone.
In other words, we are trying to resolve the entire texting story arc we have been working on.
The moment really hinges on whether he says yes or no but assuming you make it this far it is really rare to get a no.
So, lets look at exactly what the texting story arc should look like on a large scale.
Get it?
Got it?
Good!
Lets move on and talk about talking on the phone.
CONVERSATION TYPE #2- Phone Calls
Ah the phone call…
I have to say that this is probably what I am best at teaching.
Why?
Because it’s what I have the most experience with and I think I can attack this from a different angle that will make a few light bulbs go off on how you need to approach talking to your ex over the phone.
Now, before I really get started I have to mention that if you want a more in-depth discussion on the in’s and out’s of talking on the phone can can pick up my book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO. But if you want to stick to what I am talking about here on this page then that is fine too.
(I just want to make sure you understand all of your options.)
Ok, this entire page is dedicated to helping women keep a conversation going with their exes. However, when it comes to talking on the phone to an ex it isn’t so much a function of keeping the conversation going but making sure there is another conversation.
What do I mean by that?
What’s more powerful in the relationship world?
Keeping a conversation going for an hour on the phone.
Or
Having a second, third, fourth and fifth conversation five days in a row?
I think you know where my vote goes.
So, rather than teaching you what you need to do to keep a conversation going over the phone I am going to teach you something more powerful. I am going to teach you my method for guaranteeing that you get to talk to him again.
Being “In Tune” With A Phone Conversation
I want you to take a look at the graph I put together below,
Right now you don’t understand this graph is and that’s ok.
I am going to explain it.
But just know that what I teach you about this graph is very important for guaranteeing another phone conversation with your ex boyfriend.
Are you ready?
Ok, when you look at this graph there are three things that probably jump out to you.
- The graph plots themselves
- The “Quality” heading on the left
- The “Time” heading at the bottom
In essence, what this graph is telling us is that the longer the phone conversation goes on the conversation will eventually drop. Of course, before it drops the quality can go up and up and up.
It’s important to note that this graph is completely made up so just because I have a picture of this graph doesn’t mean that your conversation with your boyfriend over the phone is going to look like this.
The beauty of this world is that every person is unique and the same can be said about relationships.
No two relationships are ever the same.
Can they be similar?
Sure.
But identical?
Nope.
So, if you were to put a chart on you and your exes phone conversation it might not look like this. However, for the purposes of education and understanding my teachings we are just going to assume that this is you and your exes phone conversation quality graph.
Lets dissect it a bit.
Point #1- The Excitement
You may be wondering why the graph starts above the lowest point.
That’s a good question.
It’s because in this hypothetical situation where you are talking to your ex on the phone you followed my advice with the transition text (the resolution.) In other words, your ex boyfriend is waiting to hear what you are going to say next and when your ex is on the edge of his seat that immediately bumps the conversation quality up a notch.
Now, from this point the conversation can only do one of two things.
Thing 1: Go up
Thing 2: Go down
Obviously if you looked at the graph you will see that the conversation dipped up slightly with point two.
Point #2- You Both Laugh Together About Something
What caused this obvious bump up in the graph?
Well, lets say that the two of you were talking about something funny and it made the both of you laugh.
Laughing together about something bumps the quality of conversation up even higher.
Why?
Because no matter how you slice it laughing makes a human being feel good.
And human beings LOVE things that make them feel good.
Of course, if you look at the grand scheme of things with the graph the next jump is the highest.
Why?
Point #3- Emotional “Good Feelings” Come Out
This is where the emotions start to come out.
What do I mean by that?
I mean that when you and your ex boyfriend are talking either he (or you) says something that makes the both of you feel really good about the conversation. Let me give you an example from my own personal life.
I will never forget the first time my wife called me “babe” over the phone.
It doesn’t seem like much but at the time we weren’t even dating yet and when she said it I was filled with all kinds of good feelings.
Of course, being the macho guy I am all I was thinking inside was,
“Holy crap that feels good… I can’t let her know. I need to be cool. How would a cool guy react to being called babe?”
Pretty funny, right?
Point #4- The High Point
It is clear that this is the highest point of the conversation.
This is really what this entire section on being “in touch” with a phone conversation is all about, locating the high point.
Women often ask me,
“Chris, how can I locate the high point of my conversation?”
It’s a good question.
The truth is, is that you will feel it.
I know it’s weird hearing me talk about feelings but this isn’t something that you can simply find without really being in touch with your own feelings.
The high point is marked by one thought,
“Wow, I don’t want this to end.”
The second you have had this thought in a phone conversation you have located the high point.
Of course, there is one more thing we need to talk about before I can start diving into what you should be doing when you find the high point.
Point #5- The Low Point
What’s that famous phrase?
When you are at the top there is only one place you can go… Down
It’s true.
The quality of a phone conversation is ever changing if you think it can stay at the top forever you have another thing coming.
Ending Theory
I actually got this idea from two places.
Place #1 – My dad is always talking about the bookends of things. The beginning and the end.
Place #2 – A popular psychological principle called “The Peak-End Rule.”
So, what is the ending theory?
Well, the ending theory has to do with how you end your phone conversations.
Imagine that you are talking to your boyfriend on the phone and you locate the high point of the conversation.
Remember, that is here,
However, you give in to how good the conversation is and you decide to continue talking to your ex boyfriend until the conversation has dropped to it’s lowest point,
And you end the conversation here.
Well, this is where I would like to introduce you to something called,
“The Peak-End Rule.”
It basically states that human beings don’t remember things based on a “big picture” perspective. Instead, their memory looks at the peak of an experience and the end of an experience.
Let me give you an example using the quality of the conversation.
When your ex boyfriend thinks back on the phone conversation that the two of you had, according to the “peak-end rule” he is going to remember the peak of the conversation,
And the end of the conversation,
Now, the peak of the conversation doesn’t really need much work but that ending…
That is not going to do.
In order to guarantee that your ex boyfriend will want to talk to you on the phone we need to find a way to have a better ending.
So, here is what I am proposing.
Instead of waiting for the conversation to grow stale why not end at the peak?
In other words, why not end the conversation here,
This way that you are not only finding the peak but you are ending at the peak.
In other words, there is no greater place to end a conversation and when your ex boyfriend thinks back on the conversation he is going to be overwhelmed by all the emotion he feels.
Why?
BECAUSE NO ONE ENDS CONVERSATIONS AT THE PEAK.
Lets turn our attention to having a conversation in person.
CONVERSATION TYPE #3 – Face To Face
Truthfully I am going to teach you to employ the same type of ideas in the face to face interactions with your ex that I taught you in the “phone call” section but there are a few little extra “add ons” that we need to discuss first.
So, here is a quick rundown of what I am going to teach you about when dealing with a face to face conversation.
- The Peak-End Rule
- Understanding The Situations You Are In
I suppose the logical place to start is with “understanding the situation.”
Understanding The Situations You Are In
Face to face situations are… complicated.
Why do I say that?
Well, it’s because you are going to have different goals in your different interactions with your ex.
Now, generally speaking I have a three date rule before I recommend having the big talk about whether or not the two of you should get back together.
These three dates are as follows,
- The Small Get Together
- The “Semi” Date
- The Romantic Date
Now, what’s the point of having me tell you this?
Simple, keeping a conversation going in each of these three situations is going to be different.
Let me explain a bit more “in depth” for you.
The Small Get Together
The small get together would be something like grabbing a cup of coffee in the middle of the day.
The goal here isn’t to push your ex boyfriend too much with regards to your relationship status. It’s to simply build attraction. So, in order to keep the conversation going here I want you to utilize a lot of the rules I have laid out in The Texting Bible.
Now, I realize that The Texting Bible is a book full of texts but what I teach in it about building attraction is solid.
If you use the ideas there and convert them into an “in person” version then you should be well on your way.
The “Semi” Date
Hmm…
I am trying to think of the perfect example of the “semi” date.
Ok, I got it.
Think laser tag…
Seriously, it’s fun, intimate and people can debate whether or not it can be considered a real date or not.
The goal during this date is to have as much fun as possible.
That’s it!
Why?
Well, we are going to utilize a psychological principle that says,
Sexual attraction occurs with an increased frequency during states of strong emotion.
In other words, if we put your ex boyfriend in a situation where he is going to experience a lot of fun and excitement then that would fit the prerequisite of him being in a “state of strong emotion,” right?
Therefore his sexual attraction for you should increase.
So, while the first date was all about planting the seeds the metaphorical “attraction seeds” this date is about watering those seeds.
Lets move on to the final date.
The Romantic Date
I don’t need to spell this one out for you do I?
Romantic dinner on the beach…
Rose petals…
Something else super romantic (I totally ran out of ideas haha.)
Anyways, the romantic date is where you are going to make your ultimate move for getting your ex boyfriend back.
Actually let me rephrase that.
This date is the date where you are setting the table for HIM to ask you to be his girlfriend again and if you did your job in the first two dates then this should be a cinch.
So, those are the three dates.
Now I want to look at where the peak-end rule fits into each of these dates (or IF it will fit into them.)
Face To Face Interactions And The Peak-End Rule
Above I talked about the three types of face to face interactions I want you to have with your ex boyfriend.
You are going to be utilizing the peak end rule in two of those interactions.
Care to take a guess at which ones?
Let me help you out,
The Peak-End rule is very powerful when used in person and if you time it right it can almost guarantee you another date with your ex boyfriend.
In other words, it’s all about timing.
When To Use PE (Peak End) During Date One
Remember that the overall goal is to build attraction.
Once you feel that you have done that then you can end the conversation immediately with your ex boyfriend.
Here is the thing though, I want you to end the conversation in a polite and believable way. Don’t get a friend to call you and pretend like someone has died.
Got it?
When To use PE (Peak End) During Date Two
The same idea that applied in date one applies here.
You can only utilize PE once you feel you have completed your task and your task with this date is to create as much fun and excitement as possible.
Then I want you to leave your ex boyfriend wanting more!
Elocin
February 2, 2022 at 1:03 am
So I have an issue. We broke up about 2 weeks ago and I would love to try the NC stuff but problem is I’m 8months pregnant…we have been on and off for about a year. His ex made if very hard for us becuase she has 2 kids with him already. I know we love eachother because he doesn’t deny that but is afraid to take a risk in us getting back together because he doesn’t want to repeat the cycle we have been because of my depression ans insecurities. He’s still friends with her too and she’s been there with him every single day since we split…I know she’s done a lot to get in his head too about us getting back together. So how do I approach this since I’m pregnant and our daughter is going to be here in a month.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 10, 2022 at 8:27 pm
Hey Elocin, you would need to follow the limited no contact rule where you would only speak with him about your baby / pregnancy and otherwise you do not need to speak with him.
Diana Fuller
November 12, 2021 at 10:01 pm
My ex that I’m trying to get back is my neighbor. He just got out of relationship but I would at least like to become friends before possibly becoming lovers again. How can I do this and not make everything between us awkward?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 17, 2021 at 10:22 pm
Hey Diana, I would suggest that you attempt short positive conversations with your ex first and just allow that awkwardness to leave gradually. It is only as uncomfortable as you allow it to be 🙂
Sonia
May 26, 2020 at 6:27 pm
Hi! My ex finally unblocked me on day 52 of no contact this past Friday and we met up that same day to talk because upon unblocking and texting me, he said he had a lot on his mind he wanted to share with me right then in person. It turned out that when we talked it wasn’t anything about the status of our relationship with each other but solely personal things like his insecurities that he was talking about. Because we also physically got intimate that night, the next few days, I just received messages about how I should get myself tested for the virus, then yesterday about how he’s getting himself tested, and then today about his results. I’ve been feeling very disappointed because I want to go back to texting regularly like we used to, where we both initiated with each other pretty evenly and we both would make sure to continue the conversation. But each of these few days, I’ve been feeling like he’s not actually interested in talking to me. He’s aware I still have feelings for him yet he doesn’t continue any conversations. He just leaves me on read until he “has” to text me to update me on his status in terms of the virus instead of talk about something else in the meanwhile. Should I initiate any conversations with him that are clearly out of just feeling like talking to him? Or should I wait for him to do that? If I should wait for him, how can I make it more likely that he would initiate a conversation with me because he feels like talking to me himself? I’m afraid that if I don’t initiate, he’d let conversations end and only talk to me when he feels like he needs emotional support or he needs to inform me necessary things like whether he has the virus, but I want him to want to talk to me whether he’s going through something or not and whether he needs to inform me of something or not. Thank you so much for any and all advice!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 12, 2020 at 9:30 pm
Hi Sonia, you need to go into a No Contact – where you do not speak with him for at least 30 days. If he reaches out to tell you the results, reply thanking him for letting you know and do not reply to him again. You need to be strong and not sleep with him again unless you are back in a relationship
Sarah
January 18, 2018 at 2:52 pm
Hi Chris,
I have bought your No Contact rule and Texting bible… as well as read through many of the posts and comments on your site. But i am stuck at the moment…
Just a background, my ex boyfriend and I dated for about 6 months but he broke up with me as he said he had no emotional space for a relationship at that moment due to some emergency family matters & his work which was taking up his time and attention.He also used the its not you its me as part of the reason for the break up.
I immediately did no contact for 30 days and afterwards reached out with a First Contact text and he responded quite positively. Subsequently I initiated some texts and he also replied quite quickly and positively. There was also once where he sent me a photo of him having dinner at my favorite restaurant with some friends and also mentioned casually that we should go together sometime. He also recently started on instagram and followed me on instagram and liked my photo. My profile is public so he could have looked at my photos without following me… but he chose to do so.. would you be able to advise any reason he might do this? I am thinking maybe he just wants to be friends…
So far i have initiated another text and he also replied but i am afraid i am being friend-zoned. Should I wait for him to initiate texts? I understand from the texting bible that it is ok to initiate texts as long as it is interesting, builds rapport and to end on a high note… but i feel this is bringing me more into the friend zone at the moment, Maybe he feels I am ready to be friends again as he mentioned when we broke up that we could just be friends. Another thing to note is that he also stayed friends with his ex girlfriend before me and they work together… so that is why i feel I might be in the same situation?
Also, if he did not lie about the reason for breaking up with me… he does not have any time for a relationship.. so why would he have the time now to meet me if i ask him out? I do not know how to proceed.. so for the past two days I did not reach out and he did not initiate any texts either… What should i do now?
Help!!! Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 20, 2018 at 1:56 am
Hi Sarah,
It’s too early to say you’re friendzoned.. You’re really supposed to start like that and just continue building rapport and attraction.. Don’t be too available so you can avoid being friendzoned.
Candy
August 30, 2017 at 8:23 pm
Hi!
We have been together for 2 years. He broke off in July becasue “we were too different” but in my opinion we had problems with communication. I have begged him not to while he was breaking things up but after that I have imedietly went nc for 30days. Unfortunetly in the hurricane of negative emotions I have deleted him from fb. In the begining of the August I have reached out to him and we did meetup. Now we are texting but he isn’t initiating contact unless he wants my help with his project. The only things that keeps him engaged in texting with me is his personal afterwork hours project. I am not sure if he is just using me and my love for his selfish purpose… Also While meeting up with him I have seen by accident that he is using tinder app… From one point of view I know that my knowledge and skills are irreplaceable and he won’t fine another girl with features like mines but I am afraid of being used. I don’t know if I should still initiate contact with topic of his personal project or try other topics he used to be intrested in. I have tried memory and dun message but he isn’t engaged that much in them..
Candy
August 30, 2017 at 8:28 pm
Despite he is intrested in what’s new my life when we talk by phone or imperson,it’s totaly diferent while texting. He seems to be irrevelant to my health, safety or emotional state. I am afraid he cares now only about himself and his project…
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 31, 2017 at 7:28 pm
Hi Candy,
From how you said it, it looks he is using you..
Sara
June 29, 2017 at 9:38 pm
Hi,
My boyfriend and I were together for a year and 9 months which ended this march. He was a very sweet person but with jealousy issues. I made a male friend in December and things went downhill from there. The more jealous my bf got the more I went to my friend and we took a break in February for two weeks and after that he said we weren’t together but didn’t explicitly breakup with me, he continued to text me lovingly until the end of march when he started talking to another girl. We went no contact for a month then I went to his house to get my stuff in May. We spent 3 hours together with mixed signals; hugging, kissing my forehead, crying and then telling me he hopes I find what I’m looking for. Then we hungout again and he told me he didn’t want to see me with anyone else, to not give up on him because he didn’t know what he wants. Now he’s dating someone else a month later and we’re talking again but idk what to do. I stil love him and want him back?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 30, 2017 at 1:27 pm
If the past months were not focused in improving yourself, do that first..be active in posting and then slowly rebuild rapport after
Kit
February 20, 2017 at 12:16 am
Hi Amor,
I was with my ex for a little over 4 years, and we made each other happy most of the time, towards the end of the relationship we were always fighting with each other, and I didn’t feel like he appreciated me. He wanted to be in control of our relationship, in October he asked me to marry him. I said “I dont know, because I did not feel like we were in a good place to get married. We stayed together until December 9th, from then we would still keep in touch here and then, and probably not speak to each 2 weeks was probably the longest time we did not speak. He started messaging and calling me lately saying hes been thinking of me, and I got him a card for Valentines Day, he did not get me anything but it was a last minute meet up. Hes been messaging me every morning saying “Good morning sunshine, and have a great day”, etc. However, just yesterday, 4 days after Valentine’s Day he told me hes talking to some other girl. It blew me away and I broke down and cried, I was so upset that he already moved on after a month. He said she was a breath of fresh air, and they have things in common, but its nothing serious. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship, I told him that I had gone on a date or two with a guy, and he got completely jealous, and then wanted to hang out with me that same day. We ended up going the spa, and had a great time there together and ended up spending the night together. We still keep in touch after yesterday, but should I start the no contact rule today? I dont know what I should do to keep him and make him want me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 21, 2017 at 3:43 pm
Hi Kit,
did he say he’s still going to see the other girl?
Jill McCreery
December 6, 2016 at 7:15 pm
My boyfriend and I were together for a year and a half. We were the best of friends, did everything together, told each other everything, we were each others first love. But everything changed when he left for a university and Im staying at a community college for a year. He would go out and party which I didn’t mind, but would ignore my texts a lot, not be as lovey or complimenting, ditched me once when I came to visit, and just overall didn’t put in the effort.
I was extremely unhappy in the place I was at, not wanting to stay home for a year, so bored and unhappy with myself, and he knew it, and I would be too needy and bitch at him for all the shit he was doing, pushing him away more.
About two months in after i text him bitching about not answering me, I get a drunk text saying “I think we should take a break”
The next day he call and texts me begging for me back and I ignore him and kiss another guy. The next day I get back with him but when he I tell him I kissed another guy he freaks out and says were over. And then the next day texts me and then I beg for him back and we got back together. After this nothing changed. He still treated me the same way.
Things weren’t going well and we went to a concert and I ended up going to the hospital because I drank too much beforehand. I got more needy because I was freaking out about what happened and he pushed me away more.
A week after that he sends me a text that he needs to be on his own/needs time on his own and he’s been unhappy for a long time.
I don’t text or call him for 23 days after that, implementing the no contact and doing things to make myself happy.
He texts me “hi” on week 2, and I see on spotify that he is listening to sad songs about breakups and missing someone.
I don’t answer, and on day 23, I call him at 4 am and text saying I saw something that reminded me of one of our good memories. He answers back “I miss that”
I continue with the rules for contacting and he answers, in short but not negative phrases, and not right away.
And then I break down. I say “I think I need some closure” he says “I thought we already had closure” and I say “I miss the person I thought was my best friend. I didn’t think it would end this way.” he says “I have always been your best friend.” I call and text back “Can you call?” he says “I can’t Im studying with friends” and I say “How did everything go so wrong? I miss snuggling in bed watching our show eating tortilini” and he says “I don’t know”
He has not changed his social media from in a relationship, his photo is still of me on every social media site and he hasn’t asked for his things back. Why am I the one who is doing all the work when he’s the one who did something wrong? What should I do? I need your help. He comes home for a month in two weeks, do I wait to contact him until then?
Jill McCreery
December 6, 2016 at 10:13 pm
I never texted him back after he broke up with me- heads up.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 10, 2016 at 6:43 pm
Hi Jill,
It’s good that you did the no contact rule but it looks like it was not enough for a restart. You’re the only one making effort because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. So, right now, there’s still might be a little thought in him that thinks you’re trying to get him back. He doesn’t really think you’re moving on but you did mention to him that you just missed your best friend. Are you still continually improving yourself? Are you active in posting in social media? Will he think you’re moving on and improving? Will he regret leaving you?
XY
December 3, 2016 at 5:12 pm
what if my ex absolutely hate phone calling? when we are dating, he doesnt like to call. I could only get him to call me twice when he was chasing me. Then after he told me when we are together, he will always press the end call button. So now what do propose from texting?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 3, 2016 at 7:10 pm
You can just build rapport through texting..it will just take longer than usual
Silvia
November 17, 2016 at 9:31 am
Hi, I successfully completed the 30 day NC And text my ex boyfriend on day 33 and got a positive response, I text him again the next day to continue the conversation with ‘you know what I just realised…’ and again got a response but this time it was neutral. I proceeded anyway and was ignored. The following day he tried to communicate with me through a group chat and I ignored him (regaining power, I think) then on day 3 I got a reminder on Facebook that it had officially been a year since we became friends (even though our relationship started before then) so I sent him a text to say just saw blah blah hope you’re doing well to which he responded yeah I saw that too thanks how are you? So we had a conversation last night and then he mentioned me being awkward and shy and I assume he was saying this because of the 30 day NC. He seemed irritated that I didn’t say hello to him on day 30 (because I went to a bar with some friends and he was there).
How should I approach making conversation with him from this point? And also do you think I should still avoid seeing him in person until we’ve texted abit more and built rapport? Just asking because next weekend I’m going on a group hiking trip and he will be there, should I go? (On the day it will have been 14 days post NC)
Silvia
November 18, 2016 at 7:26 pm
Hey Amor, I need some serious advice. A huge part of why my ex and I broke up was because of a girl who was once my friend. We all ended up working together for some time earlier this year and he flirted with her loads and at the time I confronted him and he said he was just doing it to wind me up but he would stop if it upset me. He continued flirting with her and I could tell she kind of liked him, this made me really insecure and me and him ended up having a massive argument about it and her and I stopped being friends. A week before we broke up I apologised to him for overreacting but he never said anything to assure me they were just friends. After we broke up he’s been constantly hanging out with her and all our mutual friends tell me that there’s nothing between them but my gut tells me it’s more, not emotional but he definitely wants to sleep with her. During my NC period I bumped into her one day and I apologised to her too and said I took my anger out on her when it should have been directed towards him and she said it’s fine don’t worry it happens but she also didn’t say anything to assure me they were just friends. Now this week I’ve been in contact wth my ex and it going well, but I will admit no rapport has been built yet but he uploaded a picture of just the two of them out somewhere together now I don’t know what to do because I really want to ask if they’re dating but I know that will only make her more attractive for him. But I also think it’s very disrespectful that he doesn’t care about my feelings at all and he’s spending all his time with the only girl I was ever insecure about in our relationship. My bestfriend says he’s not worth getting back after this what do you think?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 21, 2016 at 1:03 pm
I know it hurts but he has the right to date anybody he wants, since you’re not together..and you’re right, the best you can do is to keep quiet and focus in improving for now because the more you ask, the more you will look like you’re the jealous ex gf
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 17, 2016 at 4:14 pm
Hi Silvia,
nope, you dont need to avoid that. Use the hiking activity as a chance to build more rapport.. Just keep texting for now, use natural or current topics..if you can transition to calls before the hike, that’s cool but if not, dont rush.
Nastar
October 23, 2016 at 8:25 am
Im in building rapport .Every day i start sending message to my ex ,he respond it very nice but i dont know even the stories that i make seems interesting for him but till the end of the day by sending texts back & forth between us,it finishes then i wait for him the day after to be the first since he doesnt send any text to me first ,again i send first and we continued till the end of the day.
what should i do to make him to be the first one who text?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 24, 2016 at 9:46 pm
Hi Nastar,
it would be better if you will end it in high note.. like in a cliff hanger way..
Christine
October 18, 2016 at 5:59 pm
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me about 3 months back. We were together for 8 months. I did 1 month of no contact with him and texted him after NC. He has always responded to all my text messages. All the text messages were first contact type messages and he responds positively to all messages. I am ending conversations on a high note and spacing out my texts well. It’s been about 1.5 months since I’ve been texting. I also suggested that we meet up for lunch one time and he actually agreed. And we met. It was a casual meet up and we basically just talked about things we were up to and not once about us. Wondering if that was a wrong move?
He has never texted me first in the past 1.5 month.. (which makes me sad). But he probably was never into texting too much. He once told me while we were together that maybe we should not text each other every detail. Instead remember it so that we can talk about it when we meet. At this point does it matter who texts whom first? It feels like a one-way effort and I can’t tell if he would even consider getting back together. Should I just back off and wait to see if he will ever initiate or should I progress to different kind of texts? Also should I be wishing him on his birthday?
Christine
October 20, 2016 at 7:08 pm
Thank you for your response! We did not talk about next time but he did tell me that he would give me something that had asked for and he did the next day at work. could you elaborate on what natural texts really mean. Thanks
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 22, 2016 at 3:33 pm
topics that are current like news, friends, anything you saw or hear that day that can be interesting, anything you can ask him about that you know he’s good at..
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 20, 2016 at 4:27 pm
Hi Christine,
you should progress to more natural texts now.. and to calling actually..and yep, you should greet him.. because of how you texted in the past month, it looks like there was really not much rapport built. So, that can be the reason why he’s not initiating.. when you met, was there a talk for a next time?
Alice Parker
October 13, 2016 at 4:19 am
Hello!
So, I’ve read basically all of this website religiously. I initially broke up with my ex in June of this year, so about 4 months ago. We were together for 7 years before this, and we’re 23 years old. He broke up with me. We were sort of an on-again off-again couple, but this is now the longest we’ve been “off” (previous longest being 2 months).
Anyways, I did the NC rule for the appropriate period of time, sent him an initial text following the rules here, and no response. On advice from here after posting, I waited a little while, tried again—still no response. After this second text I actually saw him IRL but hid from him, lol (although it turns out he did see me, but I’ll get to that). Anyways, going totally against the advice of this website, I sent him an email basically laying out my true feelings and how much I missed him, etc. He responded somewhat favourably, saying he missed me every day and thought about me all the time, but he wasn’t sure if we’d ever work out (i.e. stop being on-again off-again) and he thought we should try to move on. I waited a while and responded to this, and he responded back pretty quickly. More of the same stuff. Anyways, I waited about a month and responded to him again. After that email (my third, and most recent), HE texted ME.
His initial text was him saying he was kind of annoyed about something I’d said in my email, but from that he springboarded to asking me a bunch of questions about what I’d been up to (including some referencing my instagram, which BTW I followed a lot of rules here on trying to make myself look cooler on social media, haha) and eventually just said he really badly wanted to talk to me again because he missed me so much. This was about 3 or 4 weeks ago, and we’ve been texting since then.
The first couple days we texted basically nonstop, which was weird for us because we both aren’t big texters or phone-callers. But I guess it makes sense because there was so much to ask each other about what we’d been up to. He initiated quite a few of the conversations too. However, now I feel like the texting is petering out a bit now.
My question is—I know I broke a lot of the rules on this website, and specifically broke the texting tide theory rules, but what should I do now? Should I start trying to follow the “tide theory” or any of the other texting rules listed here? Can it still work, even though he had a huge spurt of texting a few weeks ago, and have been sending at least 2-3 texts to each other each day since then?
Sorry for this long post, and thanks in advance for the help!
Alice Parker
October 15, 2016 at 12:27 am
Hey Amor, good idea. Right now we are not FB friends (I unfriended him when we broke up, probably a bad idea) but maybe I could message him through instagram, because we both use it a lot and he has liked a few of my pics.
Alice Parker
October 13, 2016 at 10:22 pm
Hey Amor, thanks for the reply! We never used to call when we were together and neither of us really use phone calls at all so I think he would find it weird, haha. But it feels like moving to meeting up in person would be too much right now, I think asking him would scare him away…we also never texted much at all when we were dating so that could be part of the problem too, neither of us are big texters. Also, he asked me to go with him to an event because he knew I would really like it, but it’s not until December….
Maybe I will try to find an excuse to call him, though
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 14, 2016 at 2:07 pm
well, if it’s not really your thing, that’s ok not to move yo calls.. what about messaging apps?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 13, 2016 at 3:41 pm
HI Alice,
If you have been texting for a while now, and it looks like you’ve built rapport, but it started to get boring, I guess? Why not move on to calls?
Martina
August 31, 2016 at 6:08 pm
Hi Chris or Amor or whoever decides to respond to my comment,
I have a quick question about calling my ex boy friend when the time comes (right now I’m on day 6 of no contact).
But my ex and I never ever called each other. We never felt the urge to call. Probably because where we come from, calling is a little uncommon, it’s only used for emergencies.
So is it possible for me to skip the calling part? Or is it really that essential? Because I think he will find it really weird if I suggest to call him at some point, because I never did that before.
Hope you guys can help 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 1, 2016 at 11:59 am
HI Martina,
yeah, it’s ok to skip that part if you never really used it.
Alisha
August 23, 2016 at 7:54 pm
Hey! I broke up 4 months ago and i still miss him. I don’t text him but he does(rarely) and then we talk for a little bit until we both have nothing to say. I want to look cool and keep the conversation but it is extremely dificult because sometimes when i texted him it took him a long time to see the message and that’s the reason I don’t text him. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 27, 2016 at 5:30 pm
Hi Alisha,
how old are you, are you in ldr, when was the last time you talked and are you going to try no contact rule?
Kels
June 18, 2016 at 3:02 am
Everything has been going pretty well so far with my ex. After sending my first contact message the beginning of June, my ex actually told me he missed me and that he wished he hadn’t broke up with me. However, now he is starting to pull away a bit and I find myself struggling to keep the conversation going. He is very introverted and I am not sure that he would respond well to a phone call. I’m afraid of pushing him away or boring him after he already told me that he missed me. How should I approach texting him from now on? When we were dating he didn’t like texting everyday, so I usually give it a day in between texts.
Kels
June 19, 2016 at 2:53 am
Some of the activities, but I could do better. I went into today with that thought of getting back to myself and making myself the best person I can. It was interesting, because he called me out of nowhere this evening. And he doesn’t really like to talk on the phone and hardly ever initiates the conversation.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 18, 2016 at 11:52 pm
Hi Kels,
try to rest for a day or two and then do the tide theory.. have you continued the activities you started durung nc?
Eve
April 21, 2016 at 5:54 pm
Hi,
My ex and I were together for a little over a year, and it was great almost all the time. He has 3 children (from 7 to 15 years-old) who all love me very much and it is mutual. I got to live with them for 8 months, because we are both super busy, and it was the only way we could see each other more often (he was happy that I came to live with him). A couple of months before the break up, my ex (who is almost 40) told me he wasn’t happy, that he felt he was getting old and he didn’t want to make compromises needed for a relationship, and he wanted to do extreme hikes (where I am likely to get hurt and I cannot follow) during the few vacation he has, etc. Mid-life crisis. He was with his ex for 18 years, from 18 years old to 36 years old, during which years he had 3 children, went to med school, had a crazy busy life, etc. She was sick of all of this and she cheated on him with a colleague of her. They got divorced quickly after that, 6 months later they tried to get back together but it didn’t work, she didn’t love him anymore. Now she is back with the guy she cheated on him, and I can see that he is not happy with this. So I can understand that when all your life was about taking care of other people (children, patients) and that your wife cheated on you, you get to a point where you feel you want to only do the things that truly matter to you, even if that means that you will be single. When he wanted to date me, he told me he was ok to have a child with me in 2 years, but then he changed his mind. So in the last 2 months of our relationship, I tried to be nicer and let him space, but eventually we got to discuss and he said : “I need a break from this relationship, but you live here, I can’t ask you this.” So I broke up with him, telling him that I don’t do “breaks”, and that I asked him 2 months ago to go see a therapist to understand what was happening to him and that he didn’t do it, so I didn’t want to continue like this. He told me many times that he loves me, even after the breakup, and that if it doesn’t work with me, it’s not gonna work with any girl for a couple of years, until his children are older. I think he struggles with this, because it’s not part of his values to be single and not make compromises to make a woman happy. When I talked about how sad it was for the children, because I love them and they love me back, he cried and I can say that was one of the main reasons he didn’t break up with me at first.
The problem is that I work with him, and that I agreed that the children (especially the youngest) can call me if they miss me. So I tried to NC, didn’t really work mostly because the children are calling me and they put me on speaker phone, so I talk to him a little, and I have to text him for work. I did a couple of things, like not answering to all of his sms, taking my time to answer, etc, but he told me it was impolite. I also think that he is used to get instant answers from everyone and I cannot really do NC, as he is used to regularly contact his ex concerning the children, so he kind of expects that from me. I tried minimal contact for over a month. I bought your books, and avoided most of the mistakes, and did the part of trying to rebuild connection with sms. I told him about a great time we had together and he said “I have good memories of you everyday, if it was so simple…” I am already an UG, the sex with him was awesome (he did agree that it was the best in his life, and that I am what every man would dream of), I am great at making surprises (way better than him), getting people hooked when I tell stories, etc. I honestly think that he wants to be alone because he was more and more selfish, and it is not what he is normally. I would say : “you never come to do the activities that I like, and I have to follow you in your activities.” And he said “I agree, you are right, I should be going with you more often. ” So it’s been 2 months that I moved out of his place, and I think that it’s not nice of him of keeping in touch with for more than what’s really needed for work, if he doesn’t want to be with me. I know he misses me, and that he is still very attracted to me and that he still loves me, but he can be very stubborn, and I’m sure he tells himself that he cannot make me happy and that he doesn’t want another child, when I wasn’t even sure I wanted one, even if I am 32, and for that reason he has to avoid dating me, but he cannot completely erase me from his life. I am thinking of doing a real NC for a month now. Children are calling me less often, and I can manage the work part without talking to him at this time of the year. I also met someone with whom life is less complicated. From what I read about mid-life crisis, it lasts often many months to a year, and I am ready to move on, but I hate it, there is a part of me that believes that he will eventually come back and ask me to be with him. Is there anything I can do ? Like a real NC and start everything from scratch to rebuild attraction? Should I post pictures of my friends and me and the new guy that I met on Facebook ? I know that if I writes to me an email or a sms about something related to work that I didn’t think of, I will have to respond… I am almost thinking at this point to tell him to avoid writing to me. Any suggestion ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 23, 2016 at 5:33 am
HI Eve,
two months has passed, if he really wants you back he already asked.. I think he is still contact because he still likes talking to you and likes your company but it’s not so much to be with you.. It’s better if you move on, if he wants you back.. Be sure that he is passed his mid life crisis and not just doing it because he doesn’t want to lose you.
Mel
April 21, 2016 at 2:02 am
I’m really struggling it’s been a full 24 hours since he ended our relationship- I’m on day 1 of NC and I’m really struggling – I keep breaking down and this is the hardest thing for me to do. I’m full of doubt and negativity. He made it sound like he’s really done and there is nothing I can say or do to change his mind. We took a week of separation we spoke but he admitted that week was a breath of fresh air and he was content . Did he really mean that ? That hurt a lot because that week was hell for me. He had a very rocky year and said we tried and it’s time to say goodbye it’s done. But then later he said it might be a huge mistake for him but he will survive and life goes on. I want to believe a year was long enough to have him feel real love with me and now I’m
Scared he’s scared of commitment- I’m literally all over the place and extremely emotional.
Before him I went through a pretty bad divorce and was hoping the same thing with my ex husband but I think I damaged that too much with my begging. I begged him to give us a chance and he ran. I hate that I beg but my heart aches so much. He was the first person that I allowed myself to open up to again open my heart to feel love again . He says we have too many issues and just not a good match. I know I’m going to struggle very bad with this NC rule. Right now my goal is 21 days and I wrote a letter with all my feelings and plan to continue to write my feelings since I can’t contact him. I’m scared he won’t reach out first. How do I really know he’s really done ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 22, 2016 at 8:31 am
Hi Mel,
I think you should do 30.. especially if you’re still emotionally unstable after 21 days.. the goal of nc is to help you have more balance and to be more rational.. it’s not just stopping to talk to himm..so focus on you and be active to improve yourself… keep in mind that after nc, it’s a restart.. you have to rebuild rapport and attraction.. if he’s always responding negatively..then it’s time to move on
Dhani
April 17, 2016 at 4:24 am
Hi, I almost done doing a no contact rule. it is 3 more days left. He hasn’t contacted me until now.
I am not sure that I want to contact him again. I am afraid with the rejection but some parts of me are still wondering whether he still cares or not. and with this kind of condition, I am not sure what kind of text message that i should write to him. Some kind which remind him of our good time or just a plain text message for being just a friend?
We broke up 2 weeks after I left his country, going back to my country. When we said our goodbye at the airport, I saw him in so much pain watching me leaving. When we broke up, I was complained about how he never called me and texted me back until he said that it is better for we are just be a friend and he wanted to called me just to know how I was. But then I told him for not contact me. Do you think that’s the reason for him not contacting me during no-contact-rule? Or he just simply doesn’t care?
I want what I had with him back. but rejection for the second time, please no. I really love him.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 18, 2016 at 9:05 am
Hi Dhani,
it’s better to get rejected than regret that you didn’t try right?did you mean you did nc? and of you did were you active? because if not, you have to start over
Priya
March 8, 2016 at 8:19 am
I have done no contact then whatsapped him. We have been speaking everyday but it seems as if i put in all the effort. He does reply but takes his time and its def not how it used to be. He asked me why i was speaking to him and i said to see how he was and he said what do you want from this? I didnt want to say get back with him cos i thought he would shut me out. so i said i want to be friends. he said he thinks im not in the right mindset for this. i said i was ready to be freidns. I have ended the convo on a high note which he did not respond to. Hes going to amsterdam for a week with his mates so i wont be messaging him then. i have already spoken to him on the phone for an hour. called him out of the blue. but i hinted going to this new burger bar and he was like we shall see. so i dont want to push asking to see him again. What do i do now?
if i continue whatsapping everyday ill get friendzonned or will show i still like him a lot.
priya
March 9, 2016 at 4:41 pm
Hi Amor,
Yeah i stopped contacting him and he sent me a text asking when my brother was going to Dubai!? i asked why he was asking he said ‘oh just wondering’…reallly weird of him to start the convo about that…hes never met my brother!! i tried to take my time in replying. doing the hot and cold thing. I’ll take my sweet time in replying aswell that might help.
Thank you Amor. Hope you don’t have to deal with these issues in your life!
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 9, 2016 at 10:38 am
Hi Priya,
yeah he still can see you haven’t moved oh
n..he knows you want him back… for me stop contacting again for now