How To Keep A Conversation Going With An Ex Boyfriend- The Complete Guide

144 thoughts on “How To Keep A Conversation Going With An Ex Boyfriend”

ms

March 6, 2016 at 8:34 am

Hi, I was with my ex 6months. We broke up 3weeks ago.
Me & my ex started of being friends (colleague at work). That time He was in long distance relationship. As time we clicked so well. We spent most of the time hanging out together, meeting his circle of friends. We both enjoyed each other company. Nothing mroe than that. Our job requires certain amount of rotation. Both stationed at different coastline. Yet during that period, we still text each other. He even plan to invite me over for island trip. I took up swimming classes, work out to build my stam,ina (he is frisbee captain). He started pursuing after the trip. That he really liked me. I had feelings for him too but my concern is losing him if relationship fails. He had many relationship prior, but never a stable one.
I decided to give it a try. We started off good. He was all over me. Text was constant, also up for next meet up. Honeymoon period ended fast. Text/ skype were merely there. I felt annoyed/abandoned/anger. Finally confronted him that I felt the relationship doesnt feel real, with no respond from him. He didnt even try to cheer me up despite knowing that I felt sad. He spent every conscious time with his friends when I came for visit. I wished we could have more me time. He thought bout it & tell him that things not going to work out. Even if he puts in more effort. I was really hurt then. I decided for 2nd chance. Things seems to improve. Regular text/ skype. Even planned out time for us. I thought we were heading good. 2 weeks after we meet, He texted for break up. The broke up caught me off guard. We broke up through text. The reasons were too hard to swallow; no sparks, no romance, no passion. We were better off as friends..He wished to still able to talk to me as friend some time later. I had so much to tell him but just couldnt. Recently I just found out that he deleted our photos from social media. That instant I plunges down..I seemed miserable, not able to move on. Started unfollowed him & common friends…Tried to move on, Joined classes, metting up with friends, taking over time. but the thought of getting him back still lingers at the back of my mind. What should i do?

Ms

March 8, 2016 at 3:05 pm

Hi.
We’re working in different state. Not meeting ..
Been busy working out, preparing for work/ courses..
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 9, 2016 at 10:53 am

Okay, that’s good.. but there will be a time, an event, work rotation or meeting that you’ll see each other right? If it’s very far off.. as long it’s after nc,you can initiate a text.. choose an interesting topic for humm make it casual..like you jut happened to remember him because of that thing/place/ event and you he likes it so you texted him..
Ms

March 8, 2016 at 9:48 am

Hi
The last we spoke /texted was 3 weeks ago. Not sure should i reach out or him & how..
I’ve been feeling the gap between us eversince we first fought. We both are distance aprt, highly demanding job. I tried to squeeze in random text to check in, make trips 2monthly to meet up. Initially we both were excited, thrilled. Slowly it was only one sided..
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 8, 2016 at 2:53 pm

Oh, so it can also be because of the demand of the job.. for me don’t initiate yet, especially if you haven’t been active in improving yourself the past three weeks. Go for 30 days, do you see each other at work now?
Ms

March 7, 2016 at 3:59 pm

We last spoke during the breakup. Not sure if I should reach out or how..
I have been feeling the gap between us eversince we fought. Mainly we were both distance,our job rather highly demanding. I felt we weren’t real. I tried to squeeze in random text for check in, makea trips 2mthly visit. Started off very excited then slowly came down to one sided…
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 7, 2016 at 5:47 am

Hi Ms,

I’m not saying it’s all your fault.. but I think you started in the wrong mindset.. You weren’t together yet, but you were already worried of losing him…
If that was only first, that’s normal..but if you carried that mindset throughout the relationship, you acted upon it, that may be the cause why he felt there were no sparks anymore..

are you still talking to each other during the last three week?

Anonymous

February 24, 2016 at 5:34 am

Hi Chris and Team,
Thank you for this website. You guys have been so helpful to me in the past year! I have a dilemma related to the phone. So, my ex, who I made the mistake of getting back together with and then um, getting “intimate” with too early, called me out of the blue after 6 months of No Contact. Our last conversation prior to those six months had been bad, and he basically admitted to blocking me on his phone! Evidently, he “unblocked” me, because he called under the premise that he saw on Facebook that I had moved (no, in reality, I had added a former city to “Places You Have Lived”. I included the year that I lived there, so I assume he was just looking for an excuse to call, which was 30 minutes after I updated my Facebook). SO, we started talking, and he started talking about places he might live after he finishes graduate school and asked if I would still be in the same city by the time he finished, although he acted as though he wasn’t planning to move to my city. I asked him how his Christmas was, and he mentioned that he used the Christmas ornaments I had given him two Christmases ago on his tree this past year! He also said he wasn’t dating anyone when I asked, nor had he dated anyone (other than maybe a first date) since we talked six months ago. We got cut off mid-conversation, due to bad weather on my end. Neither of us tried to call the other back. I didn’t know what to do, so I just initiated NC again, right then and there (when in doubt, go to NC, I guess!) My question is this: It will be past 30 days when his birthday rolls around, and I thought about just writing “Happy Birthday” on his Facebook wall, like his other Facebook friends and acquaintances will do that day. If that is a bad idea, I can just keep doing NC. Please help!

Unusual Story

March 3, 2016 at 2:18 am

Thanks!
Unusual Story

February 26, 2016 at 10:53 pm

Thanks. Just for my understanding, why is private message the better option? Is it because he might delete me from facebook? And, if that is the case, maybe it’s better to just leave him alone altogether?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 27, 2016 at 10:19 am

Npe..I just thought it would be more heartfelt and personal if it’s a private message
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 12:39 pm

Hi Anonymous,

I think it’s better if you private message him

kirsty

February 19, 2016 at 11:55 pm

Hi. I really like this website, but I’m really confused. I don’t know how to effectively connect “the ungettable girl” and “tide theory”. I’m 2 days into texting period and I feel like I might seem too needy if I initiate all the time. Plus, what could be the conversation openers if I didn’t manage to finish on a high note?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2016 at 10:11 am

Hi Kristy,
It’s okay if you initiate contact, what’s more important is how you end it.. If you didn’t manage to end in a hugh note in the previous day, yiu have to start with a very interesting topic for him…one that he always talks about

Jazz hands

January 15, 2016 at 12:24 am

Hi Chris,

First, wow, your site is incredibly helpful and whenever I start getting too emotional I always revisit and read one or two of your articles to calm down, I think I have read nearly half or more than half of all your articles and podcast transcripts. Thank you.

My ex and I were together for a little more than a year, generally a nice, pleasant, wonderful relationship (the worst memory I can recall is the actual break up, which wasn’t even the worst break up I’ve had. In fact, it was the first time a guy has ever dumped ME) thinking back, I can remember good times and bad times, we weren’t perfect, but we had a great thing going. I truly love this guy, I’m 21 years old (him too) and he truly loved me back, we were very serious.

I am in college and he is not, he lives an hour away from my school and I don’t have a car – I’ve always hated this power dynamic, I want to reciprocate the trips to visit him, but he lives with his religious parents so I wouldn’t be able to spend the night with him anyways – we used to see each other at least three and sometimes two times a month. Whenever we spent more than two weeks without seeing each other in person I could recognize clearly the strain it put on him. During my winter break I was more than 3+ hours away from him for nearly two months, and things went downhill without my even realizing it. I have always had a busier schedule than him and I am probably more independent than he would like (I think most men are intimidated by women who want them but don’t need them), consequently, his trust issues (from a previous relationship) would go haywire whenever his insecurity reached a peek. I think I did a really good job of reassuring him that I would never cheat on him while also being firm and displeased when he was being too possessive.

However, I and some of my girlfriends were playing pranks on tinder guys, and I changed some of my pictures and my bio to be hilarious. In hindsight, I should have known that was a bad idea, I knew he had trust issues, I know now that that was something small that I could have just not done. It was a mistake. A really big one. He went looking for me on tinder (we actually met through tinder) specifically to hunt for evidence that I was cheating on him. This was during my break and he went crazy with worry that I was frolicking around with other guys and I didn’t even know that he was going crazy with this worry. He found my changed pictures and texted me in the wee hours of the morning telling me I was a cheating bitch and it was over. I actually asked him to call me to break up with me, and he refused (remember, he legitimately thought I cheated on him), and I was a texting gnat for several days.

Eventually he believed that I didn’t cheat on him and apologized, but he told me that he still felt unwanted in our relationship and that was the reason for breaking up with me that he stuck to for a week or two. I admit that I started to become complacent, and I started taking him for granted, and he was so hurt that I was texting him more after the break up than the month preceding it. We were both texting each other after the break up. He would always reply to me, even when he told me he was angry with me still. We both said rash things, and I’m not proud of the mess I was this week or so after the break up. We did apologize to each other within 12 hours after saying something hurtful or untrue (we’ve always had huge respect for each other).

I should mention that before I even found your site, I asked him if we could try again after my term ended (I am doing a weird non-class project with a theater company and have nearly no time to myself, and he sited that as another reason he broke up with me: “I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t have time to talk to me”) he said he was skeptical, I said that if we still loved and missed each other after those ten weeks we deserve another go, and he agreed that that was a good idea. Also before I found your site, I told him that I needed some silence and time to heal (I still talked to him sporadically after this).

AND THEN I FOUND YOUR SITE

I tried to implement the NC but failed on day two or three a couple times. I am now on day 15 of my freshest NC, and the only slip up I’ve done is liking one of his instagram photos because I didn’t realize it was his. I’m obviously freaking out, being halfway into NC with no contact from him (but I did also request silence before I found your site, I’m worried this will hurt me), I don’t know what’s going on in his head, I’m pretty sure he’s a blend of the Stubborn – Clueless – and Angry guy.

I intend to stick with NC even if he does contact me within the next 15 days, but I’m worried about after NC. His biggest issue was that I didn’t text/call/skype him enough, and I’m struggling with trying to conceptualize a balance between the UG and using what he craves most (my attention) to my advantage. I’m worried that he will have moved on by NC, or tells himself he’s over me, or will stubbornly stick to his reasons for breaking things off (which, in my opinion, are easily fixable or plain stupid). I’m worried about the fact that he liked to play the “texting game” to see how soon I would text him first (towards the end of our relationship it was always my responsibility to say good morning and begin our day of conversation). I’m worried that I will become too vulnerable too fast, or be too closed off to make progress.

He told me that half of him didn’t think our relationship would work if we got back together, but both halves of him were still really into me. I purposely broke my last NC cycle to tell him I wished I could kiss him on New Year, and he said he wished for that too. Nothing has been said since. I had to delete twitter and instagram because he was posting subtweets and screenshots of conversations with tinder girls, but I’ve revamped my facebook and there are a couple new photos of me looking happy and gorgeous doing my work and socializing. I have resisted to urge to stalk him to try and pick at what’s going on in his mind. I’ve been working out (I’ve always worked out, but I’m being more serious about it, this is actually mostly for me, because working out is the only thing that stops the heartache) I’ve been giving myself pep talks about how even though I’m distraught and miss him like hell I’ve never NEEDED him. I’ve been socializing and making a lot of new friends at my job. I don’t like to go out and party but I’ve been accepting every invitation I get to go out.

I already have my first contact text ready. He really really wanted me to watch a movie before things went south, and I plan on watching it, telling him I saw it, pointing out a scene I really liked, and linking that scene to something short and sweet alluding to a memory we share. I always have a good excuse to end any conversation right after the peek because of my job. But I want to know: How do I balance being the UG and addressing his insecurities? How do I go about the post-NC contact delicately without throwing myself at his feet, or being so standoffish that it puts him off? I know my chances are good, but I know that if I slip up he’ll freak out again and he might withdraw even more into his stubbornness.

Thank you for reading such a long comment. I appreciate everything you do on this site, and I hope that I can become another one of your success stories.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 15, 2016 at 4:35 pm

Hi Jazz hands,

Thank you for appreciating our content! First off, his issues are for him to solve. It’s good to do your best not to aggravate those issues but it’s not healthy if it’s taking over how you look at yourself. So, don’t forget not to lose yourself. Know who you really are. I’m glad that the issue with Tinder was cleared and very good on getting your contact text all ready! Being the ungettable girl just means having your own life and identity but not being rude with others. About the post NC interaction, you know, it’s not always how often you text or call a person. Sometimes even if you just text him thrice a day, if the content is caring and made him feel wanted, he will understand your situation. But of course you need to make up for lost time. It’s nice that you’ve been truthful of your shortcomings too, what’s left is for you to work on that and for him to work on his issues. It’s really hard to strike a balance, specially when you’re doing the relationship apart but constant quality communication helps a lot.

Courtney

January 13, 2016 at 5:52 pm

Dear Chris,

I completed about 45 days of No Contact and reached out to my ex with my first contact text and got a neutral response. Since then I’ve tried several other first contact texts and a few remembering the good times and I’ve gotten a mix of positive and neutral responses which are usually short and sent hours after I send the initial text. Recently, I send a “remembering the good times” text and he didn’t respond. I’m not sure if he liked the memory as much as I do so I decided to go NC for a few days and then tried a first contact text.

Since then he has been ignoring several of my messages and if he does respond it’s a short neutral response. Do you have any ideas on what I can do? I’m trying to be interesting and not go full text gnat (as that was an original problem of mine pre-NC), but I’m having some trouble keeping him interested. I’m also having a hard time ending at the high point because he responds so late and I’ve been trying to make the conversations go longer.

I would appreciate any help/advice that you can give me!

Thank you Chris!

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 16, 2016 at 10:22 am

Hi Courtney,

I see you’ve been trying with the Remembering the good times text. That’s good practice. Have you tried things or activities that he loves? Like if he loves video games and you happen to be in the mall then you happen to pass by a 50% sale of those, maybe text him or pm him with an image of the sale like, “Hey, just saw this 50% sale. It’s only until tomorrow and many of the gamers are already lined up. Just thought to give you a heads up. Enjoy!” or trying to get his opinion about something he’s good at? But be very careful, this method is actual used up, it can be easily sensed if you’re faking that you need help.

Courtney

January 4, 2016 at 12:09 am

Dear Mr. Seiter,

My ex and I broke up a little over 3 months ago and I’ve completed NC and am in the process of texting him. I got a few neutral responses to my “first contact” texts and since then I’ve tried a few more texts that were funny/ remembering the good times. I normally get a positive response a few hours after sending my first text, then my ex either waits hours to respond again or doesn’t respond at all. We currently have a 70:30 text ratio where I’m doing all the work. I’m worried about a few things: me becoming a text gnat, if I’m doing something wrong with the types of texts I’m sending, and if there is a way that I can get him to respond more frequently? I bought “the Texting Bible” and it has really helped me and I’ve read just about every article on your site but I now feel the need to reach out for extra advice and help regarding my specific problem.

Thank you!

Courtney

January 25, 2016 at 4:00 am

Sorry Chris!

I was raised by my parents to always address people as Mr. or Mrs. until told otherwise. I hope I didn’t make you feel too old!!

To be honest I have not done a good job of ending the conversation first and at the high point. I don’t want to give you any excuses because it is my fault and I know you hate hearing excuses, but I’ve been having a hard time because he either takes hours to reply positive/neutrally or he doesn’t reply at all. It’s also been me initiating all of the conversations thus far, so I guess it is more like 100/0 right now. Looking back I really don’t know what I meant by putting down 70/30. Sorry!

I decided to go back into NC for a week and try again with First Contact texts, then work my way back by paying closer attention to ending at the high point and creating good/positive thoughts. What do you think of my game plan?

– Courtney
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 25, 2016 at 4:26 am

Hi Courtney!

That’s good. Have you tried getting his insight about something he’s very interested in?
Chris Seiter

January 16, 2016 at 11:31 pm

My goodness… Mr. Seiter.

That certainly caught my attention.

Makes me feel old… but sometimes being old is kind of cool so I will take it.

70:30 is not ideal.

However, at least it’s not 90:10.

Hmm… have you been doing a good job of ending conversations first and at the high point?

Olivia

December 10, 2015 at 8:56 pm

Hey Chris I Am So Confused Right now . me & my ex broke up . he dumped me cause he said he wouldnt have time for me. When we was dating he barely had time for me ,but he didn’t have a job. He was so good to me in person and treated me with respect but sometimes he would go days without texting or calling me when I would ask why he say he was busy . I always did everything & always initiated what to do when we did hang out. I fall to fast and I hate that. But with him it was different because he treated me in a way no guy has ever treated me , with compassion . so after we broke up he said were still friends but when I text him he would respond and I would text back and he wouldn’t text me back . so I haven’t talk to him in two weeks now I deleted his number and pics out my phone , but its killing g me that he doesn’t even text to check up on me or to have a conversation. I don’t think he cares the way he says . I still have his number on a piece of paper I put in my shoe and covers it with sheets so I wouldn’t be tempted to contact him. I will NOT Contact him to let him know I miss him . i don’t know what to do now I focus on me I would go days without thinking of him then he would come into my head & I would feel everything I felt when he dumped me. Cab you please help me. I don’t want to feel like this. Its stupid and I’m tired of this.
Sam

December 5, 2015 at 1:51 pm

Chris,
I was able to get to the phone call and ended it at the climax. I used the story method. I think it went really well. Everything seems to be going as you said it would! However, I always contact him first. For the most part he is responsive and he is really positive. How do I get him to contact me first? Is it a bad that he doesn’t? Also, how do I get him on the phone again if I already used the story?
thanks!
sam
Louisa

November 21, 2015 at 4:52 pm

A few months ago my ex and I (both in our mid 20s) broke up, after a relationship of 6 years, due to ‘los of feelings’ from his side . I did the 30 day NC, some soul searching and self improvement. I miss him as a person, as my soulmate. During the 30 day NC I found out that a lot of factors which could have contributed to us breaking up (Lack of energy, low libido, and low mood) were caused by a medicine I was taking. I quited this medicine after us breaking up and now, after a few months, I am feeling better than ever. After the NC period, where he didn’t contact me, he immediately replied to my text messages. These were positive/neutral responses. We texted back and forth for 3 weeks. I tried to build raport. But I noticed that if I started using the techniques described in the new texting method (frequency/timing/word count/max. text per day) that he also replied later/less words untill he stopped replying. We spoke on the phone once, just to arrange getting back stuff (but we kept it very light/funny/short) and saw eachother once (also for getting back stuff) which also went well. What should I do now ? He won’t reply on my messages (After my last text I sent another message 2 days later) and he won’t start the conversation by himself. Should I go in NC again? I really want to talk to him face to face to tell him about the effects this medicine had on me, but for that we need to arrange a face to face meeting with just the two of us.
sara

November 20, 2015 at 10:35 pm

Hey Chris, I’ve been on your site for a while now. Me and my ex boyfriend… Man we have a crazy story. We were together for about 3 months before breaking up. He broke up with me since well my parents are racist, he is black, they found out, threatened to take me out of the school and send me to an all girls school, and also to talk to his parents and the principal about it. I told him about my parents about a month into our relationship and he was alright with it. We both were keeping our relationship a secret from my family (we had to be extra careful since my sister also goes to my school but we were successful in that) Funniest thing omg this one time we were coming back from our lunch date and started making out on the sidewalk aha well a police car was coming by and started honking at us. Well anyway apparently my moms colleagues son saw us together kissing and told his mom who told my mom. I told my ex and he said its best for us to break up since he doesn’t want me to get into trouble. However I did suggest to him that we should keep our relationship low key for now till things calm down, he didn’t agree. I did do the no contact thing now I’m on day 18 acting happy as ever ugh. But he is in my drama class so we get paired up in groups alot so its hard to to no contact. We also have a lot of mutual friends… Today we had a conversation with 4 other friends about football and basketball and America’s Got Talent haha. I plan on asking him if he wants to hang out during lunch like old times (we always used to have Friday lunch dates) Should I do that? How can I make him like me again? I really love this man please help Chris. How can I rebuild the attraction and I also want to try making him jealous so I can see if he is still possessive or wants me… I think he hates me however since the no contact thing he has been saying hi to me a lot more. Btw his locker is right near my best friends locker and class so its kinda hard for us not to see each other. I have been taking care of my fitness, looks. etc since tho. Thanks
A

November 20, 2015 at 2:42 am

Hey Chris, I’m in desperate need of your help. I met the man of my dreams about 5 years ago, he proposed to me after about 2 months of dating with a 10k ring and said I was the only girl for him. Well, I left him and broke his heart. He wouldn’t talk to me because we were both in relationships these past two years but both of our relationships have ended now and we picked up texting about 3-4 months ago. I messed up about a week ago and sent him a “I love you lets just forget everything and get married” email then k went silent. He emailed me back last night after a week of silence and said this …”Hey, I know it’s taken a while to respond just again a lot to process. I appreciate you shedding light on how you feel and I guess a bit more light on why you left. For me I guess I’ve been trying to play it safe a bit in our interactions because I’m sure for both of us this is a big deal, and you are right with all those emails I wrote you back then I gave you my heart on a plate and even after the break up I was doing everything I could to try to be there for you, because to me I had found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I’ll admit and I have said it before hesitantly because I don’t try to say it to ever make you feel lousy, but I did give it everything I had, and tried to provide and take care of all 3 of us, and be there for you every way I could and I was truly happier than I’ve ever been but when you left me it completely destroyed me in so many ways and I’d be lying if I said I was fine after all of it because it’s definitely affected me and it took me years to really – I hate using the word recover, but recover from losing my partner someone I truly loved with everything I had, especially just how quickly it all happened over text message in a single afternoon.

Like I said, I don’t want to say any of this to try to make you feel bad, just I guess I’m explaining why a lot of this is a lot to take in and why I guess I try to offer friendship rather than more just to try to play it safe, I know you’re in California only for a small amount of time, so it’s easy to say fuck it and go crazy together and I guess see what it would be like reliving all of the amazing things we used to do together, but I guess I’m a bit cautious just for my own sake about putting myself in that position again – I’m not sure if that makes sense and I guess it’s easy just to say ‘suck it up’ but I guess I’ve spent the last couple of years just feeling utterly destroyed and it’s hard to risk going through that again.

So I don’t really know what to say, but I have read through your emails a several times over and over and you have been on my mind a lot but I guess I’m also at a point in my life that I need to clear my head a bit and figure out my life a bit – so I’m just trying to make sense of my life at the moment. I do have so many fond memories, we definitely seemed to live a lifetime in a very short amount of time – I know if we met up it would be unforgettable but as much as it would be amazing to create new memories together I wouldn’t want to risk opening up old wounds either, again if that makes any sense?

I’d definitely love to talk more and you can text me any time, and maybe we can figure something out, I’m just being honest I guess if I do have hesitations it’s just because of how badly I fell for you and how it all ended and how it left me for a very long time.

I hope you’re doing well, I’d love to hear about your adventures up in San Francisco, I’m sure you and your mum have found some fun karaoke spots :)”

I don’t know what to say back. I love him and he is the man of my dreams but I’m also working on myself and want to take things slowly. I’ve got two businesses I’ve been working including a fitness page but I also don’t want to lose him in the midst of everything. I already no contacted him all those years ago when I broke off the engagement however I feel like I should do it again while we both clear are heads. Is this a wide choice or is it going to make him think I’m doing the same thing and that im no dependable? Please please help me.
dee

November 20, 2015 at 1:46 am

Chris please help me. At first he asked my phone no and tried to flirt me. He sent me alot of massage but i just sent a few message or not reply it bcoz i dont like him at that time. And also started to that point i realize that i love him. Actually im internship student at one company and he also but i finish earlier. Before i finish he said to me that he fail to flirt me anymore and started to that point he totally ignore me and avoid eye contact with me. Now i cannot meet him bcoz i already finish my internship but when i text him, he just reply a short word. Can u help me. Wha

dee

November 20, 2015 at 1:48 am

Correction .Fyi i realize that i love him when he ignore me

Pumf

November 19, 2015 at 5:55 pm

Hi Chris…. I’m in a difficult situation with my ex. We were together for two years, and for the first year and a half, things were great. Then we had to go long distance for 3 months, and I was resentful that he didn’t come and see me at all during that time. We fought a good deal, about little things, and conflicted about politics. We nearly broke up, around 2 months into our LDR, but decided we’d wait and see how things turned out when he came back. After he came back, things got better. We still argued, but it was due to the stress of school and work. One weekend, I was upset with him for standing me up when he agreed to come over for the night after a meeting, and I told him I felt like I wasn’t important to him because he always put school and work ahead of me. He apologized with flowers and everything, and I forgave him. I thought we were fine, but two days later, I called him because I hadn’t seen him since that weekend, and I was worried, and he told me that he didn’t think we should be together. That night, we met up and talked, and he agreed to think it over some more, and we’d talk more the next day. The next day, we discussed every aspect of our relationship, and how we could change things to make it better. I thought we made progress, but he kept insisting, “I just can’t see us working out”. He told me he still loved me and he didn’t want to leave me, but he felt like our relationship wasn’t going anywhere. The next day, he started ignoring me completely. I freaked out. I begged and pleaded and cried, but he continued to ignore me. The begging continued for 4 days, during which time I learned from a friend that he had been unhappy with our relationship since the summer. I stopped talking to him, intending to do no contact, but we had a school conference coming up in three weeks. After two weeks of no contact, I texted him, asking if he was ready for the conference. He replied, and we had a very polite conversation. The next day, I asked him if he wanted to try to be friends, and he said yes. We continued talking, for the two weeks until the conference. At one point I asked him if he legitimately wanted to be friends with me, or if he was just talking to me to avoid awkwardness at the conference. He assured me that he actually wanted to be friends. Aside from those two questions, I refrained from bringing up our relationship in any way. During the conference, he started out cold and distant, but as the 5 day trip went on, he relaxed. We spent most of the trip together, exploring the city and hanging out. We shared an ice cream sundae, he let me lean my head on his shoulder, and he called me several of the nicknames he used to call me. However, I learned during this trip that he has been texting another girl. He didn’t text her while he was spending time with me, and he didn’t know her prior to our breakup. He always hid his phone screen when he received a text from her, and he bought her a souvenir from the city while I was with him. When I asked who it was for, he acted very defensive. On the way back (a 7 hour bus ride), we talked about politics, and I think he realized that we aren’t nearly as different as he used to believe. During the trip, I felt almost like I had him back. Now, three days after the trip, he is acting distant again. I initiate all of our conversations, and while he is friendly when we talk in person, he doesn’t go out of his way to talk to me. I was his first girlfriend, so I don’t know how he is thinking or what he wants. We were very VERY close, and the breakup came as a total shock to everyone. Obviously, I still want him back, but I’m not sure how to proceed. I fear that if I start no contact now, it will just push him towards this other girl, but I also hate that I am starting almost all of our conversations. I don’t want him to pity me, but I want him back. What would be your advice on how to proceed? I’ve made every change he and I talked about when we discussed what was wrong with our relationship, but I don’t know how to show him. I feel like I have to force him to talk to me! 🙁
ashiaana

November 18, 2015 at 5:35 pm

hey chris,,,,I send a message my ex after my no contract period…and I did it perfectly and got him normal response ….now what i will do? I m confused ,,,,,

Chris Seiter

November 18, 2015 at 9:38 pm

Great what was your text? Send him another text in a day or two that will make him respond positively.

Confused

November 18, 2015 at 3:55 am

I have been off and on with a guy for two years. This time he ended it cause he has other issues in his life (depression) and losing his friends that he needs to work on. He holds a lot of resentment towards relationships but still wants me as a friend and we talk a lot still. I got stuck in the friendzone because I didn’t Want to not be there for him. Is there anyway to get out? I’m afraid if I go no contact now it will just make him mad.
RR

November 18, 2015 at 2:54 am

Dear Chris,

I had asked for advice a while back about my ex and my sexual assault that made me jump the boat from too much stress and over thinking.

After a heart wrenching 1month and 1/2 of working with counselors on my own and having breakdowns here and there seeing his face by accident in the halls. I’ve come to the point where I’m heading off to see a therapist.

Though. I can’t ignore too long the words that I want to tell my ex. I really really wanted to tell him just what the bloody hell happend. That I did not just “become a new person”. I want my best friend and support back.Even though 5months is short and the amount of times we spent from being strangers to lovers. He was literally the first step. I’m not one to thinking about the future. But I really did see that our future was going somewhere.

But when I used to stalk over his gf’s instagram I would just stare and be like “Huh, guess she really has a lot of time on her hands” and I ended up saying wow I’m completely opposite of her. She does everything he likes fast , simple without and curfew. He has everything he needs. And I just end up putting myself down by saying ” You couldn’t do that , you couldn’t go to concerts whenever, you were never really good and be close to his best friend like she does”

Typical. ex girlfriend kind of thoughts. I keep asking others is it worth me talking. There answer. OF COURSE NOT RR you deserve better. He is a prick ! Selfish! Rude! You don’t need to justify what you did. Move on! DEAL WITH IT!
Nope. It doesn’t help. In fact it stung so much I just hated talking to people in general about my feelings. I never liked it. But I learned to do it because my ex wanted me to when we were dating. Now uh.. He isn’t there.

I’m changing my ways. Learning to be whole again. But I guess is too soon to face him? I mean when I just accidently saw him in lecuture I literally was shaking and I forced myself to not run away and sit down and open my god damn notes. I’m learning right?

My issue isn’t a light switch. That I can just off and on. But. Im confused. Did he even love me? All that bull he said? Why didn’t he understand me? I get it. He’s never been through something. Makes sense. But common knowledge….sexual assault is like terrible. Is not rape… but…it was serious to me. I never let a soul touch me. I was even hesitant to let my own ex at the time to even kiss me. I was so sheltered.

There is no chance of getting him back? It isn’t worth it….I’m pretty sure you’ll say it too. From when I last saw the instagram stuff he seemed to be having lots of fun with her. (he doesn’t know I have instagram ) the gf before dating him knew he was dating someone.. but she doesn’t seem to care. Now. But I don’t blame her. Grab the chance. I don’t have one. No contact rule has gone since sept . Ive stopped looking at social media for basically a month and half now. I’m not sure what to do.
U

November 17, 2015 at 10:07 am

I’m really on the edge of breaking down right now and I just feel so emotionally drained. I wish so much that the old him would come back. Please help me. What can I do to reignite that spark again if he’s fallen out of love with me? ?
Elaine

November 17, 2015 at 8:13 am

Hi Chris,

I hope to hear from you because I’m just down in the dumps about this. I got my ex-boyfriend back! Thing is we’re exclusive he said but not official. Things were going perfect up until a week ago when I know I gave off a bit of a needy vibe for a few days (keep in mind this is what we broke over before about), and in the last week now he’s gotten a little cold. No more sweet talking me through text, in fact he hasn’t I think even once been the first to call or text in the last week, I did pull away and gave him more space too. It made me feel like I made a mistake too when I sent him a kiss goodnight via text and after he said goodnight I asked for a kiss back… Innocently saying “kiss??” and he responded “??” . I said kisses feel good and he responds again “gniiiiight E”

I feel like I’m begging for attention or really love. How do I get back in my power and draw him to me??
Cherryl

November 13, 2015 at 4:48 pm

Hi Chris! Maybe it’s out of the topic but I am confused right now. I broke up with my boyfriend 7 days ago. We were together for 3 years. He was loyal and everything. We were good. Then about 2 months ago, he became distant and he was always irritated about something. And a week ago, he talked to me. He said he “demands some space”. He didn’t give me enough reason for that.
I learned from his best friend that he he has been communicating with his on-and-off ex before me and right now, they became closer to each other. I also noticed that during the time he became distant, he kept comparing me with someone (now I realized it was his ex).
I was deeply heart broken and disappointed. I love him but I am not sure if I want him back. I just want to forget him and move on but I missed him terribly. I don’t really know what to do since he was my first boyfriend. Will it be best if I just forget him?

Cherryl

November 17, 2015 at 2:30 pm

She was his ex girlfriend.
The thing is, her ex girlfriend cheated on him before. That’s the reason they broke up.

Since the day we broke up, he has been chatting with his ex girlfriend every night (on facebook and through skype)
Chris Seiter

November 17, 2015 at 2:07 am

Was it his ex wife or ex girlfriend?

Dena

November 12, 2015 at 2:19 am

Hi Chris,

I hope you and the family are all well 🙂

A penny for your thoughts re my post on October 29?

Many thanks for your help.

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