How To Keep A Conversation Going With An Ex Boyfriend- The Complete Guide

144 thoughts on “How To Keep A Conversation Going With An Ex Boyfriend”

Tamy

October 28, 2015 at 12:06 am

Tis is my favorite article hands down. Its like your whispering in my ear all the secrets. I apreciate it. You are a wonderful man. Even if it doesnt workout with my stubborn ex these articles being me joy and hope.
Marissa

October 27, 2015 at 6:11 pm

Hey Chris,
So my ex and I broke up about a month and a half ago. I started no contact as soon as we ended things and after 3 days he was begging for me back, so we talked and got back together. Then after about two weeks he said he was unsure of his decision and sometimes he wanted to be with me and other times he just wanted to be alone. I did NC again after that and he came begging back once again. I didnt take him back this time bc I don’t want it to become a cycle. I just want him to be as sure of his feelings for me as I am of mine for him. But being in NC now I find he doesn’t send me any texts anymore and doesn’t seem to care much (in NC the first time he would send me multiple texts a day and call frequently). Did I miss my window? Where do I go from here? I feel so lost.
Taylor

October 27, 2015 at 4:36 am

Hi Chris. While things didn’t work out for me, I just wanted to say thank you. You gave me hope and a plan to fall on while I was lost. Your books, articles, and podcasts are great and I wanted to thank you so much for the recovery!! I hope you keep doing this for women and men for years to come! Thanks again!

Chris Seiter

December 4, 2015 at 2:15 pm

I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t work out for you. Thanks for the feedback and if there is anything I can help you with going forward let me know.

Jen

October 26, 2015 at 9:28 pm

Hello Chris,

Same Jen haha. I just wanted to thank u for everything that you have done for me thru this site. It really helped me thru a lot. This will be my final update on my situation.
Unfortunately, my ex and I will not be getting back together although it looked extremely promising but the reason has nothing to do with your advice or guides.
Yesterday, I found out through social media that my ex had a new girlfriend. Throughout my ex recovery process, he had led me to believe that he was single even when I asked him directly if he was/wanted to talk to other people. It seems that he only wanted to hook up and everything he told me was a lie. When I asked him again yesterday if he had a gf, he continued to lie telling me he was single and they just liked each other but he loved me. I didn’t believe him, so I asked the girl myself and she confirmed that he was her bf.
After speaking with the girl for about 2 hrs, it was revealed that they had gotten together a month before we broke up, he told her the same things he told me (I love you, your the only one, I wouldn’t lie, I want a future with u, etc), and they would even have sex. After NC and before I knew about his new gf, he was very flirty with me leading me to believe he wanted to work on things. We even hooked up. All of this is while he had a new gf who was away at school. So to sum up the entire sickness of the situation, he cheated on me with her while we were still together but denied that he wanted to break up towards the end, he had 2 gfs for about a month. He then cheated on her with me after I ended NC.
His new gf was glad that I came to her with all of the info and proof I had and she was the one to inform him that he had been caught and we knew about each other and broke up with him. At that point he blocked me on everything, so I’m not even able to tell him how terrible of a person he is. But his now ex, who is extremely nice btw, told me that she will tell him whatever I wanted to say to him in addition to what she needed to say. It actually mad her even more upset to know that he wouldn’t even give me the decency of an explanation. So we’re both done.
Again I want to seriously thank you for this site. I even referred a friend of mine to it 😉 so now she can gain from this like I have. THANK U!

Chris Seiter

December 4, 2015 at 5:28 am

Wow!! Sounds like a real jerk. Glad you didn’t end up with him! I also glad you were able to find some peace with this site and it helped you through the hard times.

Autumn

October 26, 2015 at 1:40 pm

I did NC but it wasn’t the full 30 days. I contacted him and he was so excited to hear from me. He started flirting. After 3 days, he wanted to meet up. We met up and had my sister there because the reason we met up was so she can talk to him about boy problems. But we actually talked about us more than her problems. He hugged me and had told me he cared about me. A few days later I was really emotional and had a bad day thinking about him. I told him I was having a bad day and he asked what was on my mind. He told me I can tell him anything and that he had a feeling it was about us. I told him that the way I think has changed and I have changed for the better and that I still cared about him. He told me that he loved me (like 4 times) and that me missed me so much and that when we hugged he didn’t want to let go. But here where it gets weird. He said that we can be friends. He doesn’t think we can ever be in a relationship again and it be healthy over time. (We split because of religion difference) he said he doesn’t was me permanently gone from his life and that he likes my company. (Before this it was a week straight of texting and flirting) he told me he’s been feeling the same way as me and loves me, but then he does this?… I just feel like he’s trying to keep me close without having to commit.
UNTAGGED

October 26, 2015 at 6:23 am

Hi Chris. I posted this on an older post of yours but wanted to repost here just in case you don’t check old ones (sorry, not trying to be a GNAT!).

Is it a bad sign if your ex untags himself from almost every photo of you both from the entire two years you were together? I saw that mine did that today (six weeks after our breakup, so definitely a delayed action…). It really hurts that he would take the time and effort to do that for each photo. And why now, why not six weeks ago? My NC just ended a few days ago and I was hoping to reach out right about now, but now I don’t know what to think! Please share your thoughts!

Chris Seiter

December 4, 2015 at 5:53 am

Is he seeing someone else? Sometimes when a guy starts dating the girl gets jealous and asks him to take them down. That or he’s trying to get over you and looking at the photos hurts him. If no contact ended act like you didn’t see his fb and send him a text. Read the post on texting you ex.

Khaleesi

October 26, 2015 at 3:55 am

Alright, progress has been made a little. So no contact check, first contact check, convo over text check… I ran into him at a party, I was sober, he was a little buzzed. He accidentally texted me in a group text saying “o no, she is here, what do I do”, and the person it was meant for replied “just act decent and flirt with another girl”… he then must have realized his mistake because he ran out of the room with a friend… I saw it and decided to text him and say “maybe we should talk” he came up to me and I could tell he was not sober enough to talk, so I asked him if we could be civil around our friends tonight and we could talk the next day in person. He said no lets talk now, but I stuck to my word and set a time and place with him. Well he left to go to his house (three houses down), to return more intoxicated. Then he left again and said goodbye and gave me a handshake, while someone else walked him home. Then texted me saying he wanted to talk tonight and that he wasn’t drunk. He then returned clearly blacked out and with his sister following him around. He was passing out on a couch texting me to please talk to him, I again told him not now, tomorrow and asked why he wanted to talk right now. I didn’t get a response because at that point he passed out and his sister and our friend were dragging him out of the house to his house… which he still didn’t want to go. Fast forward to meeting and talking the next day, he apologized for how he acted but when I replayed the night for him since he didn’t really remember, he was like I kept drinking because I had a long week, I kept coming to the house because I didn’t want to leave the party, and I kept texting you because I didn’t want to get up in the morning to talk. Now I think that might be bullshit, but I can’t tell. I would like your opinion on that. The meet-up went well with that being talked about and deciding we can act civil around each other, and we just talked about what we had been up to and how things were going for like 2 hours and it was really him that was just adding to the conversation after I asked how school was going. I know I should’ve probably cut it short but it was good. So my question is, how do you continue to keep communication after the first meet-up if he seems to just want to be friends? And at what point are you able to ask about what happened (about why he end the relationship) and talking about being more than friends/my feelings? Thanks again Chris! 😀

Khaleesi

October 28, 2015 at 11:44 pm

Also… I don’t get how he could talk that long in person, but now we are going back to text and it takes him almost a full day to send me back one text… what am I doing wrong? And how do I fix it?

Tabatha

October 25, 2015 at 10:09 pm

Hey Chris. 🙂
I was in a LDR ( 5.000 miles apart) for an year and a half.
My bf broke up with me almost 2 months ago because my jealousy and controling was making us fight every single week.
I cried, begged, I did everything I could to make him stay but he said it was over. That he loved me more than life but now he couldn’t keep our relationship going cause it was killing him.
He said he wanted to be my friend, he didn’t want me to disappear from his life. At first I didn’t accept it but he said that maybe life could give us another chance one day, so I said I would try, but only because I was interested to get another chance.
Well he kept talking to me all day, everyday… but he was writing things on facebook that was making me think that he was in love for someone else, he said that they were only song lyrics, so we had a HUGE fight, I told him if he was interested in someone, to let me go, cause I was too hurt already. The he said he didn’t give a fuck about the way I was feeling, and that I didn’t trust him. I got very sad about what he said so I disappeared for 3 days and tried to talk to him again, but he treated me VERY bad and said he was busy and couldn’t talk. He is a very angry, resentful and vengeful person.
I gave him another 6 days, and tried to talk again, but he ignored me. And started to write a lot of bad things on facebook, like I was a very bad person and it was not making me feel good, so I blocked him. But I didn’t block him on whatsapp though.
So I started NC, on Sptember 23. And during all the no contact he didn’t talk to me at all.
But on October 23 (my bday) he sent me a message wishing me happy bday, it was very early yet, like 2am… I thought he wanted to be the first one to wish me happy bday. I got really surprised when I saw the message in the morning. We talked all day, he was a little cold with me but he didn’t stop talking and we continued the conversation at the other day too, but he was even more cold and I felt like I was bothering him or something cause he wasn’t talking much, but he didn’t stop talking anyway even we didn’t have many things to talk about.
During this 2 days we talked I didn’t say anything about us. I didn’t even said that I missed him. He didn’t either. I treated him good, I showed him like I still care about him, but I treated him like a friend.
I don’t know how to act now… today I didn’t talk to him and he didn’t talk to me.

How long should I take to message him, now? Should I wait until he talk to me again? Should I tell him I still love him?
Kika

October 25, 2015 at 7:58 pm

Hi Chris!
Congrats on your wonderful counseling.
I’ll try to summarize. When I first met my ex boyfriend he was still living with his ex wife, with whom he has two kids. She had cheated on him over a year and the relationship was over for a long time although they were still living together and the breakup was not official.
We had a crush and had really really strong feelings for each other. Our love was indestructible I thought. Although we had a really strong physical attraction for each other, I set as a condition we would never have sex until his situation got sorted out. He was okay with this. As I said our love was really deep and intense. We were together for about six months and we didn’t even kiss until the fourth month. The process of divorce got really really hard, with many fights, stress, lawyers and all the stuff. This was really hard for us too and in the last two or three weeks together we had some fights and were not as close anymore.
He started to become a bit standoffish and I was asking if he wanted to break up, he said no and he loved me but at this moment he couldn’t give me what I needed. At one point it was so hard for me I broke out and splitted up with him.
We went NC for 10 days (this was 2,5 months ago during summer holidays) and then I sent an email explaining all my feelings and that I wanted him back etc. (Big mistake I know, at that point I didn’t know this site). He didn’t even answer. After that I went strict NC indefinitely. We work in the same company but different departments, we don’t need to work together so whenever I saw him I just greeted “Good morning” or whatever and that was all.
Six weeks later he contacted me on WhatsApp and started telling me the whole story about his divorce. He’s still in the process but is now living alone in a small appartment. He takes care of his children most of the time. This was a highly emotional conversation although we didn’t speak much about us. He said he was sorry he hadn’t answered to my email but in that moment he didn’t feel he was prepared to do so.
I never asked him if he wants us together and neither did he. From then on we speak often, but mostly about sport (which is what joined us in the first place). He has flirted a couple of times but I pretended I was not very interested (to be honest I found it a bit inappropiate at that moment). When we text it’s never me who ends the conversation (I try to, but he always stops answering at any random point before I can even find a good point to stop talking).
A couple of times we spoke about meeting to practise some sport together or to have a coffee but he never sets a specific date. I never ask for a date since he’s the one who has more difficulties with his schedules due to the children.
His status in WhatsApp is always related to his kids, which he had never done before. I think he wants to show that is focused on his father-side.
I have no idea of what to do. I try not to be too available, but even so he seems to be less available than me. However when we talk everything has that old light of magic it used to have.
I think the fact that we never had sex and such a strong emotional connection has to come back at some point, since it’s a story that was not only not over, but actually not even truly started, but I don’t know how can I make these feelings arise again. Not sure if I should focus on building more attraction, or if I should go NC again to become less available and make him miss me.
What do you think Chris?
Zena

October 25, 2015 at 1:37 pm

Dear Chris, I am so confused and I really need your help. My ex and I broke up over 3 months ago and I’ve done NC. We were messaging on and off and it got very confusing for me, he would send me some pretty thoughtful or funny picture messages etc out of the blue. Today I had a weak moment where I asked him his thoughts on the break up and our relationship, as the break up happened out of the blue and was very hasty.

He said “I’m not talking about this with you. I still want to be friendly with you, as I can’t erase you from my life. We’re not getting back together though.”

I basically said that I couldn’t be friends with him and he replied with “I’m not going to start asking you to see a film with me as friends. It’s not going to be any more than sending you funny photos and asking how things are going now and then. If that’s too difficult for you to handle then fine. It was a shitty relationship that ended in a shitty way. Get over it.”

I asked “Do you really believe that?” He said “Oh please give it a rest.”

I am hurt, as we were together for 7 years and the break up was out of the blue. I don’t know what to make of this. I don’t know what to say to him and I feel like I have no chance of getting back with him. Please help.
what do you make of this?

October 25, 2015 at 6:53 am

Am I crazy & seeing this through rose coloured glasses or am I right?

we have a fight, he breaks up with me, I get him to get his stuff asap he has this depressing look on his face, so I feel guilty.
I apoligise so we can end it maturely, he initiates conversation for the next week?! Acting a bit blunt but a bit caring..So I ask if he wants to try and make it work and he wanted to think about it??. I do NC, he does not contact me whatsoever, he did like a post to get my attention… and i notice just by his fb he is constantly trying fill up his time, like he’s scared to be alone or something! i finish NC, he replies to first contact everytime & fast. i know he’s on the rebound for someone who’s the complete opposite of what he’s attracted to.

does he regret breaking up or am I a fool here? and if he does (I read the whole men are proud, stubborn ect.) stubborn describes him perfectly, actually. but really? why doesn’t he just make the effort with me, if thats the case?

& what do I do if he asks about our relationship/breakup too soon? cause I feel that’s on the cards ..

what do you make of this?

October 26, 2015 at 9:59 am

i think he actually likes her :/
& she posts all types of needy stuff?
yet I’m doing the exact opposite..

even I (the most negative person at times) believed that he did love me, we were together for a few years, I only did NC for 30 days?! how do you get over someone you love in 30 days? I did everything right!
except for this first contact thing I keep stuffing it up. that’s the hardest part. Now he’s stopped responding after my 2nd message and my message was awful I sent it & forgot what I was going to say -.- so asked how he was doing so it wasn’t awkward & he replied and I had to go and act all caring and stuff :/
I don’t want him to think I’m desperate and repel him so I don’t want to message him after he hasn’t responded. only second day of first contact, I’ll give the third day a miss and start again I guess.

he’s replied to my first 2 failed attempts and my 3rd & last attempt.
it’s like he doesn’t bother but wants to bother enough to reply a few times.

Johanna

October 24, 2015 at 10:51 pm

Hej Chris, a big thanks for your site, it is really great and also with humour! Me and my ex broke up 2 months ago, we are in a long distance relationship, together for about a year, know each other from a relationship a long time ago. I did NC, he did not contact me. After NC I wrote him a message, he replied, but pretty neutrally, not to give me any hope. Today I asked him about talking via FaceTime (I know not according to your rules, but I thought I need to move on and this would help me). Conversation was very nice, we did not talk about the past rather about the now, however he made very little eye contact with me, I wonder if it is his feelings of guilt. Also I thought aim of the call is not at all to get him back (although I want him back), but rather to either move on, or make it possible for us to stay in touch. I said to him it would be nice if we could have some contact. He replied that the fact that he did not get in touch with me did not meet he did not want to talk with me, rather the opposite, but he leaves it up to me if I want to contact him or not. Wow, I am not sure what to do… He was super attractive today and I do want holm back of course. Cheers, Johanna

Johanna

October 24, 2015 at 11:05 pm

Some spelling mistakes ;-)… He said the fact that he did not get in touch with me, did not mean he did not want to talk with me, rather the opposite, but he leaves it up to me if I want to contact him or not. And as I mentioned, he could not look me in the eyes… Thanks! Cheers, Johanna

Elena

October 24, 2015 at 10:15 pm

The “Buffy” reference text messages crack me up EVERY time!

Chris Seiter

January 16, 2016 at 9:20 pm

Haha I know me too!

I started writing them when I first created the site 3 years ago and just stuck with em. One of the quirks that makes EBR, EBR!

Jen

October 24, 2015 at 8:35 pm

This article came just in time! Really your last 4 guides have had great timing haha. Id asked on another article how to approach texting an ex after youve slept with him. Before that point, we were talking every 3-4 days. They were great but i could never tell if he would respond or not even though 85% of the time he would, so i was always nervous sending my texts. However, right before we met up, and now a week after, I stopped being nervous and we’ve been having much longer and more frequent conversations (at least every other day.) I feel like i am starting to get my friend back. And luckily, I dont think sleeping with him has been a set back, although i am going to be extra careful now to keep that from happening again! After meeting/sleeping together, he told me he wanted to start working on us, putting more effort into responding to me and seeing me even though he is really busy (he works 50 hr/week AND goes to school part time). So far he has been living up to that because he responds to 100% of my texts now.
Enough backstory haha. Three days ago, we had a great funny/story conversation. He’s big on pictures so id send him meme pics throughout my story which made him laugh and he even started joking back. I made sure to end it on a high note. Yesterday we hadnt spoken for the 2 days and it was time for me to start a new conversation to continue my process. However, I decided to wait until night to text him instead of morning or mid day. When I got on twitter at some point during the day, I saw him tweet that his phone had been acting up and then hed said “i just want to talk to my baby”. Needless to say I was ecstatic! It hadnt even been a full 2 days since we last spoke and he already missed me. AND he hasnt referred to me as his baby since a month before we broke up at the end of Aug. Anyway, knowing that hes big on pics, I sent a pic of myself to his iphone (he has 2 phones but the iphone only works when hes around wifi) hoping hed see it when he got home from work. Nothing “sexy” but attractive. He responded very positively saying how great I looked. We joked around a little bit after and then I slipped in a funny memory text about how he fell asleep at the movies once. He laughed about it. I tried to engage his memory about that night by asking him what movie it was we were seeing. I think he dosed off because he took long to respond (it was 1am at this point and we were both tired). And then I fell asleep before seeing what he said. I responded this morning and i think i might be able to keep this conversation going for a few days.
Wow, I didnt realize I had said so much haha and most of it isnt even part of the question. I just get excited commenting on here now because every time, I have something new and positive that has happened and Im sure youd like to hear when your advice is working, or at least I think it is from where im standing!
Anyway, my question is, would you suggest keeping a conversation going for long periods of time, cutting it short at some points to incorporate PE then continue later? Or should I just start different conversations? We broke up 2 months ago, successful unbroken 35 day NC, and have been back in communication for a month now if that matters.
Michelle

October 24, 2015 at 4:44 pm

After i bring up a topic and get a neutral response i will try make it fun n try to get positive response, but recently i wud just end it and say, hey i need to go, more later? And that makes me feel i m in charge, and makes me feel better. But the thing is, no matter the topic is abt sth he is for sure interested in or sth thats related to his work or life, he only give me positive response when he feels like to..and sometimes he wud just leave my msg hanging and not reply at all….drives me nuts and kills the mood.. ?

Michelle

October 24, 2015 at 4:54 pm

PS this is to reply to ur comment:”CHRIS
October 24, 2015
How do you usually end your conversations.” Forgot to reply to my own comment again!
Do u think he is replying just becuz of courtesy? In that case what shud i do?

Minnie

October 24, 2015 at 1:21 pm

After about 1 month he tried to reply me such as ah, uhm, yes, ok… (you know that he doesn’t want to be impolite). Now he doesn’t reply me at all. It took him really long time to “seen” my inbox message but still no reply.
I’m not that type of an interesting girl, honestly. Although I’ve tried my best to be the most sociable version of me on social network, but simply he lost all his attraction on me, so whatever I do doesn’t matter. That’s all what I understand my situation. Feeling hopeless :-<
Daisy

October 23, 2015 at 10:01 pm

Hi Chris!

My ex came back to me of his own accord (I was in NC for an indefinite period of time after finding out he was with someone else after all the ex back steps seemed to be working). We met up face to face, and he told me how he’s realized I’m the only girl he has ever been with that he can be himself with. He said he can bring me around his friends, and he doesn’t have to hide anything from me. He’s realized his rebound girl (their relationship definitely fits that bill) is not compatible with him at all: she’s an only child like me, but he said she needs constant attention, and she is very religious while he is not.

The catch: when we went out a week ago, he hadn’t yet broken up with her because she was out of town for a funeral. Now, a week later, it looks like she still isn’t gone yet. I could tell from his demeanor that he was definitely not lying, and he was very comfortable with the decision to end his relationship with her and for us to start over. I made sure that was what he wanted, and that us being just friends wouldn’t work because my feelings for him are too strong. He isn’t the type to admit he’s wrong and make himself that vulnerable in a face to face meeting (he insisted on it). But now he’s backing off, with hot and cold behavior. I’ve hardly heard from him, and I’m confused. I thought it was a big deal for a man to realize all of the things he’s realized?

Daisy

October 24, 2015 at 11:28 pm

I did make it clear prior to our get together last Friday that I would not go out with him again until the situation changed. I even asked him straight out that evening if we were back together and he said “We will be once I break up with her.” So the ultimatum was given… he just hasn’t pulled the plug yet.
Chris Seiter

October 24, 2015 at 5:43 am

Glad he came back….

But it is alarming he is still with this girl.

To be honest I would say that you can’t be with him until he ends his relationship with her. I know I don’t recommend ultimatums but I think this is the exception to that case.

Michelle

October 23, 2015 at 3:41 pm

Yah..i have a hard time keeping the conversation but when i end it myself, it makes me feel better than him MIA during the conversation..and i do feel it works better.

Chris Seiter

October 24, 2015 at 5:41 am

How do you usually end your conversations.

Dena

October 23, 2015 at 1:53 pm

Great article Chris! Thank you for sharing. Btw, I totally agree – Interstellar is an absolutely awesome movie 🙂

Chris Seiter

October 24, 2015 at 5:41 am

Wasn’t it?

I loved it!!!

« Previous 1 2 3 4

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

144 thoughts on “How To Keep A Conversation Going With An Ex Boyfriend”