There’s a “rebound relationship” checklist that I use for every client that comes to me when another person is in the picture with their ex.
And today I’d like to share it with you.
You’ll find that the 6 signs that I talk about in this article are different than what some of my peers are telling you.
This is by design because I want you to understand the reality of the situation you’ve found yourself in and I’m not interested in lying to you to make you feel better.
So, with that in mind let’s begin!
6 Signs That Your Ex Is In A Rebound Relationship
Below I have compiled the checklist that I use for my personal coaching clients who ask me if their ex is in a rebound relationship,
- How quickly did it take for your ex to move on?
- How long your ex has been dating that new person for?
- Does your ex have a history of jumping from relationship to relationship after a breakup?
- Is your ex exhibiting a bit of the grass is greener syndrome?
- Have you considered the differences between stability and excitement?
- Is your ex showing off the new person to you to rub it in your face?
Now, if you are familiar with my work on Ex Boyfriend Recovery then you’d know that I am really big on giving you in-depth reasoning.
So, what I’d like to do is take a few minutes and expand on what each of these signs actually means.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz1. How Quickly Did It Take For Your Ex To Move On?
In case you were wondering Psychology Today has gone on the record and defined a rebound relationship as,
A person getting into a relationship shortly after their previous one ends.
I’ve actually found that reality is a little more sinister than that when dealing with exes.
In fact, what no one usually tells you about an ex “going on the rebound” is that they typically meet that rebound when they are still in a relationship with you.
Basically they start forming some type of emotional or physical bond with them while they are still committed to you.
This introduction of a third party into your relationship can sometimes be enough to cause the breakup itself,
This leaves your ex pretty happy initially with the new person and you pretty devastated, searching the internet for answers.
Sound familiar?
Here’s my point.
We are here to look for the signs that an ex is on the rebound and one of the most important things to take a look at is how fast it took for them to move on to the new person.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAs a general rule of thumb the quicker they move on the more likely it is to be “a rebound.”
That’s what all of my peers are going to tell you and I will agree with them on that.
But what about that situation I discussed above?
What about if your ex meets this new person while they are with you?
Is it a rebound then?
Well, that’s why we don’t hang our hats only on one sign.
2. How Long Has Your Ex Been Dating The New Person For?
About a month ago I filmed a really interesting video on YouTube that tackled one of the most asked questions I get by clients,
“How long does the average rebound last for?”
I answer that question in the video and write up below,
Now, the interesting thing I found when I went to Google and started searching for the answer was that no one really had any data on how long rebounds lasted for.
People had guesses…
And a few of my peers who I won’t name were quoting ridiculous things like,
“60% of rebounds last less than three months”
Never mind the fact that when I actually did a fact check on these statements I couldn’t find any proof to back them up.
So, seeing as how there wasn’t any research that I trusted I decided that I would create the research for myself.
So, I went out and did the following things.
- Looked at my own internal notes on how long it took for a rebound relationship to end
- I went to every forum I could think of and compiled the data from what people said
- I went to every answer website that had written an article on the topic and scanned the comments to see if I could learn anything there.
The whole process took me a good 3 hours.
Now, my goal with all of this was to create a benchmark for my clients who were wondering at what point a “rebound” turned into a “real” relationship.
I wanted to put a timeline on it. I wanted to be able to point to something and say,
“You can expect the average rebound to last (x) amount of months.”
Turns out that when you compile all of the research together you get the following number,
5.2 months
Now, does this mean that your ex and his new person is going to break up at exactly 5.2 months?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNo.
However, it gives us a benchmark to grade sign #2 on.
Generally speaking if your exes “rebound” has lasted longer than 5.2 months that is starting to get into more serious territory.
3. Does Your Ex Have A History Of Jumping From Relationship To Relationship After The Breakup
This is an often overlooked factor when it comes to determining if your ex is in a rebound relationship or not.
By simply looking at your exes past you might be able to determine if them jumping into a rebound is common or not.
It’s not exactly rocket science…
But let me throw some fascinating knowledge your way.
Do you think getting into a rebound relationship is healthy?
Think carefully before you answer.
Most of your friends and family will tell you that it’s not. They’ll sit there and say that it simply distracts a person from dealing with the necessary emotions that they need to deal with to move on from the heartbreak.
Well, recent research as early as 2014 suggests that actually getting into a rebound relationship can help your ex get over you and start to feel more confident.
This flies in the face of everything you’ve been told growing up.
Basically getting into a rebound relationship can be one of the best ways to get over a breakup.
Now, you may be sitting here and wondering,
“Why the heck are you telling me this?”
I’m telling you because love, breakups, lust, heartbreak, anger, sadness, depression… they are all nothing more than emotions created as a result of chemicals being released or regulated by your brain.
Well, that’s the scientific way of looking at it.
But I think it’s important to consider the scientific view for a moment.
If your ex is heartbroken as a result of a break up with you wouldn’t it make sense for the brain to protect itself by finding someone as soon as possible so that it can release the right chemicals to help you get over your heartbreak sooner?
Now, I don’t want to get into a philosophical discussion on fate or free will here but to me it makes sense that your ex may not even be aware of the reason they are dating a new person. They just simply feel that it’s what they have to do.
I’ve talked to a lot of men and women going through breakups and the one common thing that I hear from them when I ask them why they jumped into a relationship so quickly is,
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz“I don’t know…”
I used to think that they just didn’t want to tell me so they were just giving me a lame excuse.
But the more I sat on it and considered I began to believe that they probably have no reasoning for why they are wanting to go to the new person. They just know they have to do it. Well, it could be that their sense of self doesn’t know why they need to do it but their brain does.
So, like an unseen force working behind the scenes it draws them into another relationship.
Why?
So that it can give the body the chemicals it needs to get over a breakup sooner.
4. Is Your Ex Exhibiting The Grass Is Greener Syndrome
The grass is greener syndrome is one of those buzzwords that everyone always talks about but I honestly don’t think anyone understands the dynamics of it.
When you think of the grass is greener syndrome you probably start thinking about an ex who thinks they can do better than you, right?
But what if I told you that we are always looking to find a bigger better deal in our relationships.
The interdependence theory posits that we commit to each other based on costs and rewards.
In other words, we are always looking to get rid of people who cost us things and find the people who reward us the most.
Now, here is the wild part.
When researchers started trying to understand how interdependence played into relationships they learned that three huge factors come into play.
- Satisfaction: how satisfied we are with the relationship in question.
- Alternatives: Is there another person out there who can satisfy us more than the person we are with?
- Investment: how much have we invested into the relationship?
Now, I don’t know about you but “Alternatives” sounds a lot like the grass is greener syndrome to me.
One consistent theme I see with exes who move on to someone new is they have this unshakeable belief that they can do better than you.
However, a rebound really isn’t a rebound until that new relationship ends is it?
How The Honeymoon Period Plays A Role Into GIGS
Now, what do we know about new relationships?
Well, we know that every new relationship will go through this period of time where the world looks a little like this to them,
Basically, we view our relationship through rose colored glasses and believe our partner can do no wrong.
So, lets swing around to your ex and their new rebound.
When they are really determining if they made the right choice in breaking up with you (assuming they did break up with you) they are going to be comparing how they feel with the new person to how they felt with you.
And it’s obviously going to be better.
Why?
Well, the new person has an unfair advantage.
Your ex is looking and comparing based on how they feel during the honeymoon period so it makes sense that your relationship won’t compare.
But the one constant in this world is change…
And that even applies to how we feel in relationships.
So, often what I see happening is that when the honeymoon period ends your ex does this internal calculation in their head and that’s when the true grass is greener syndrome comes into play.
That’s when they’ll really sit there and ask themselves,
“Is the person I’m with really better than (insert your name?)”
5. Consider The Difference Between Stability And Excitement
A few weeks ago I was reading an article on “The Atlantic” that Esther Perel wrote.
Now, if you don’t know who Esther Perel is then you need to stop everything you are doing right now and check out her website and watch this video,
In my opinion, the woman is a savant when it comes to understanding infidelity.
Now, let’s be honest.
Infidelity is a really dark topic and you may be sitting around and wondering why the heck I am talking about it when this article is about rebound relationships. Well, in my view there are a lot of similarities between someone who is having an affair and someone who is jumping into a rebound relationship.
After all, most of the rebound relationships I encounter are actually beginning while your partner is still with you.
But we are getting off topic here.
One of the most fascinating findings that Esther Perel has been championing is that one of the underlying causes of why we cheat on our partners is due to the fact that there isn’t enough excitement in their relationship.
They can love each other deeply but contrary to popular belief love doesn’t conquer all.
Within every man lies a need for excitement and stability.
Now, after working one on one with clients for half a decade I’ve come up with something to fully describe this need for excitement and stability
Stability is the opposite of excitement…
And excitement is the opposite of stability…
And yet we need both to feel fully satisfied in a relationship which will then help in preventing us looking elsewhere.
So, ideally we are always trying to bring this perfect balance of stability and excitement to our relationships but something tells me that when you look back on your time with your ex this might have been problematic.
For example, you might have been a little too stable and not exciting enough,
This isn’t good because what happens then?
Well, that’s where your ex will take a step back and start looking for an alternative that can bring more excitement into their life.
Of course, the reverse is also true if you are too exciting/unstable in a relationship,
You see, I have this really interesting hypothesis that in general people veer a little more in one direction than the other. Take me for example. I am not overly attracted to someone who always wants to go on adventures and is extremely outgoing.
However, there are times in my marriage where I want my wife to be that way.
I want her to be spontaneous and exciting.
But at my core I always value stability a little more.
So, the reality is that I think we are always trying to achieve a perfect balance of excitement and stability but the fact is that we always prefer one a little over the other.
6. Is Your Ex Showing Their Rebound Off To You?
Our Private Facebook Group has special terminology for rebound relationships.
They call them,
OW’s = Other Women
The OW did this…
The OW did that…
You get the picture.
Well, one interesting thing I notice on there is that they become so obsessed with the other woman and what she’s doing that they completely forget to look at things from a broader perspective.
Last year I was working with a client and her ex boyfriend had gotten an “OW.”
Obviously, I gave her this checklist (excluding this particular sign) to look over and determine if her exes new woman was indeed a rebound relationship. She determined that the new girl was but she ended up throwing me off my game when she asked me a question that I was not expecting,
“Chris, he is literally asking for my advice on how to handle her in different situations”
Now, I’m not going to lie to you. I have heard of this happening a lot but what threw me off my game was the fact that I had an instant lightbulb moment,
You see, before when a client would ask me this question I’d just immediately assume they were being friend zoned but what if they weren’t.
What if the ex was literally asking them questions about the new girl to not only throw it in their face but to gauge their reaction to see if they were still interested.
Well, the only way for me to find out was to actually go to the clients that I had helped successfully win their exes back who had rebounds and ask them if their exes exhibited this behavior.
It turns out that half of my clients said that their exes did this exact thing and half of them said they hadn’t.
That’s pretty significant.
Significant enough to add to the list.
So, our list of five became a list of six and we have strong evidence to suggest that if your ex is throwing their new relationship in your face it is a sign that, that relationship is a rebound!
I Want To Talk To You For A Bit
I don’t know if you’ve noticed but we’ve been undergoing a lot of internal changes here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
What do I mean by that?
Well, I’ve determined that a lot of our old content is… well, old.
It’s outdated and my views have changed on it. So, rather than writing new content covering the same ground I am going back and updating it. Just like relationships the content on our website is a living breathing thing and it needs to change as the times change.
So, I am going to make a commitment to you.
Every year as I learn more about what works and what doesn’t work I am going to come back and update this content. In addition, I’ve made a personal commitment to do my best to respond to every comment that I get.
So, if you want to a quick take on your situation just ask me a question in the comments and I’ll try to get back to you within 24 hours!
Sometimes life gets in the way but usually I am pretty good about it.
Citations and Sources:
Maartje
August 18, 2024 at 12:40 pm
I have been with someone for three months, the last week of which was on holiday for a week. After the holiday, which was very nice, I asked… where we stand in this relationship… his answer was that there was no room for love and he slammed the door… after that we had some contact via the app and our mutual friend contact with both of us according to her conversations he actually feels something for me… 2 months after our holiday he spontaneously met someone else and has been dating them for three weeks now and has already posted a photo of them together on wats app with a heart…saw each other yesterday at our girlfriend’s birthday but we didn’t say a word…I don’t remember…is this a rebound…he has had several relationships, including one in quick succession. ..
Abby
July 27, 2022 at 5:28 pm
Fiancé that I was with for 6 1/2 years left me one day after a fight and went to a (girl) friends house to “sleep on her couch.” A girl that I invited into my home and we had a friend game night every Friday with, which I never once felt threatened by (I guess that was my mistake). He came back and told me he didn’t know what he wants in regards to our relationship. Then he slept at her apartment for 3 nights before I realized things were transpiring between them. He’s basically moved in to her apartment at this point and keeps leading me on while they’re in a relationship (I know 100% they are in one, due to my sources). I’ve cut contact but he’s 100% convinced he’s in love with her and has found his “soulmate.”
Jeff
July 2, 2022 at 9:09 am
If my ex gf went back to her ex within a week of us breaking up, is that considered a rebound? She broke up with me spontaneously. Seems like a head over heart decision. We were together for 11 months. Her and her ex were on and off for 2 years.
Coach Shaunna Nicol
July 24, 2022 at 9:03 pm
Hi Jeff, it could be rebound or it could be that she was afraid to be alone and he was open to a relationship. 45 days NC and then reach out if you still want to try get them back
Rebecca Meachin
April 26, 2022 at 12:13 pm
Hi chris
My boyfriend of 8 years left 11 days ago and hes already seeing someone whom he works with. His reasons for leaving were that he didnt think he was respected, listened too, relied on too much and the way i apparently spoke to him, now for the last year hes been grumpy and distant when i would ask him hed say he was stressed in work. He never communicated any issues with me i was happy and unaware he was feeling like he wanted to leave. This girl hes now seeing showed up a year ago in work. I am his first girlfriend and he was also a virgin when i met him so alot of firsts. I have a child with someone else but he took on the father role. I have tried to be civil for my sons sake and in the hopes he was going to come back but since hes left hes so horrible and cold towards me acts like he cares nothing about me. I feel like now he has a new girlfriend only days after our break up, i think its best to distance myself and cut contact. I want him back 8 years is a long time and despite his issues he says were there i dont agree with them i feel i was always there when he needed me and i was always affectionate with him. Am i saying ive not done anything wrong no i am not im probably equally as guilty but i never thought we would ever break up. I am so conflicted i dont know what to do. I think hes made his mind up and wants nothing more to do with me just being civil to have access to my son. How do i deal with all this.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 26, 2022 at 9:09 pm
Hey Rebecca, is he going to be having contact with your son now you are broken up? I would say that your first step is going to be no contact for 45 days minimum, this is going to allow them to move from the “new” of their relationship. I would also suggest that you start showing him that you are living your life in the sense that you are doing things with your son, spending time with your friends, go out on dates if you feel up to it. His excuses to end the relationship are to justify it to himself, along with the fact that he had clearly been interested in the OW at some point. I would just be sure that you read about the being there method and the ungettable posts that Chris has provided.
Bern
March 11, 2022 at 1:05 pm
My husband left almost 5 months ago and was seeing his lady boss while still living with me almost 4 weeks ago they moved intogether but they have no furniture so she has moved back with her husband 2 days a week (til furniture arrives) and one day with her mum and 4 days with my husband is this a rebound and will it last between them
Daniel Shermon
December 3, 2021 at 10:34 am
Hi Chris,
My girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue, and left me for someone she had very recently met (whilst still with me). I had been naughty and took a sneak at her diary which confirmed she needed to be sure about him before she ended it with me.
I believe she has monkey branched into this relationship.
I have identified that she needed more emotion from me, and more reassurance and intimacy than I was giving her. I believe she has an attachment disorder (her father never wanted children) I too think I have an attachment disorder (I don’t tend to show my emotions very well).
She’s been with this guy for 2 months now, but moved out (we were living together) moved back to her mum’s house, and has unfriended me on all social media.
Do you think she will ever come back and will I be able to get her back, I’m prepared to put the work in to make it work.
Blake
September 9, 2021 at 7:48 pm
My ex and I broke up at the beginning of the year after 4 years together and agreed to work on ourselves individually in order to get back together. We both had quick rebound experiences dating–nothing serious on either side and were open about it with each other.
Ultimately we started dating each other in the spring and spending lots of time together, going out, riding bikes and just hanging out. Things seemed to be going well and I was feeling like I was falling in love all over again That is until I noticed my ex boyfriend growing more distant in the summer. I attributed it to him preparing to move and just being busy.
Well, by August, I asked him what was going on and he admitted that he had gone on a date with someone a week after we had been intimate and that he was interested in making it exclusive. He said that he was not going to stop seeing her and that he wanted to see where things were going. This woman had been following him on IG and reached out to him by DM, asked if he was single and when they went out apparently they hit it off. They had been dating and had sex in the span of two months. At first he wanted me to stay in his life and remain friends but I told him that was impossible because I love him and had been hopeful that we would get back together. We struggled through no contact and fell into having several hours long conversations that he said were “closure” for him.
This is now month three and my ex and I are completely done and not talking. I’m wondering if this woman is really a rebound. I spoke to her and she said that she was in love with him from the first date and he told me that he is falling in love with her too. I am heartbroken that in the midst of me thinking that he and I were rebuilding our relationship, he could so quickly move on and fall in love with someone else.
Kerry
July 19, 2021 at 7:51 pm
My ex’s new woman is totally totally different from what he goes for in everything he hates.. he broadcast it on FB which he never does within 7 days
Is this a rebound
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 19, 2021 at 11:46 pm
Hi Kerry, there is a chance this is a rebound yes, giving that your break up was within the last few weeks.
Heart broken
July 9, 2021 at 2:28 am
Was dumped after 6 years caught alot and was in process of building a home. He said he moved on and it was very close to when we broke up. I assume he had her. I deal with him daily over the house we are building and both moving into and battling to buy the other out. I begged and pleaded with him to get back and he says he moved on and he is not going backwards he took me back too many time.
What can I do I cry everyday that he is with someone that does everything I would not. Heart broken need help
Anon
June 10, 2021 at 5:45 pm
Long comment coming. Ex on and off of six years. We had our ups and downs but I was his first girlfriend first everything. We always got back together after everything by we went through. He broke up with me through text he was angry that he thought I never cared for him made time for him etc. he said he was crying himself to slee for four days. He wanted his things back and I told him I’d get rid of a gift he got me because it will just remind me of him. He got angry at me over there. Three days later he’s in a rebound relationship and is flaunting it all over social media. He does things impulsively and without thinking when he’s hurting. He always use to try and make me jealous. Now I find out he’s liking my best friend pictures of me. Yet two weeks before we broke up he’s calling me his soulmate love of his life wants only me he doesn’t want anyone else etc. I have been in no contact. We broke up may 31st and I have been in contact. What should I do?
Anon
May 10, 2021 at 5:24 pm
You won’t get a situation more crazy than this I don’t think! My ex and i have a kid together and I want my family back. We were together a few years ago but then were on and off for half year periods at a time. We broke up from one of these periods at Christmas and talked about getting back together two months later as he was talking about another girl (I had freaked out…to my shame). Two weeks later he had a girl move in who was struggling with major mental health with being in lockdown… and he ‘wasn’t sure what would happen’ with. I did no contact as much as I could with our child. I was so hurt by it all. But i made a lot of mistakes in between, but a lot of progress as well. We hung out for the first time at the weekend. He said he had missed me and flirted with me a lot but no idea of whether the relationship with the new girl is going well or not… he didn’t even mention her, she is still living there though, it’s been just over two months. Is any of this a good sign…? I wish I didn’t analyse stuff so much…
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 13, 2021 at 7:58 pm
Hey there, I would say it is good that he misses you but make sure that you are not intimate with him at all while this other girl is in the picture. I would suggest that you keep going as you are, texting and building rapport with him showing how you are the better option essentially, by using the Ungettable girl information.
Hannah
February 25, 2021 at 12:46 am
Hi. Me and my boyfriend have had problems for the last year of our relationship. We have been together for 3 years. We broke up a week ago and I’ve already found out he’s dating another girl. I think she may have been on the scene before we broke up. I know he’s spent the night at her house a couple of times because mutual friends have told me. Could this be a rebound and should I still follow the no contact rule? If he contacts me should I ignore him?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 25, 2021 at 10:35 pm
Hi Hannah, yes I you need to follow the no contact rule for at least 45 days as he is seeing someone new, I would say that it is a rebound if not then its the grass is greener syndrome
Vincent
February 14, 2021 at 7:57 pm
Is she rebounding ??
We broke up just before Christmas(2020)
It was her decision but I knew it was coming. We spent a week talking and then I broke down. She blocked me on everything but I managed to speak to her via a new fb account and we’ve been speaking since. She told be she slept with an ex not long after we broke up. And then stared seeing someone else at the start of the new year and is taking it slowly with them.We speak but I do most of the contacting, today I told her I wouldn’t mind if we gave things another go, an she said she is happy seeing where things go with this new guy but will keep it in mind. Do you think there is a chance of us trying again?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 18, 2021 at 5:49 pm
Hi Vincent, it does sound as if she is on a rebound. You need to be sure that you are working on yourself in this time and that you follow the no contact rule for 45 days.
Zara Webb
January 26, 2021 at 9:00 pm
Is my ex rebounding?
I left him 4 months ago, he was begging me back he fell apart in honest. 2 weeks ago he decided to get with a old interest she looks the spitting older version of me. After 1 week speaking he is now staying at hers 4 days a week and she lives far away he does not drive. So he got with her 4 months after breaking up we were together 11years with 2 children. He had said hes moving on, that it will be okay told me to be myself not get used by other guys.
He hasnt gone formal with her he said they are seeing eachother and hes happy but she is not on his facebook posts or his facebook says hes single still he also has my friends still on his facebook. He unblocked me when he got with her but we aren’t friends.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 27, 2021 at 10:43 am
Hi Zara, he may rebounding, but he was also single for four months so he may realise that he still wants a relationship and is filling the void from the loss of being with you for so long. It does sound as if he has made peace that you don’t want him anymore. You don’t mention that you want him back, so I’m wondering if him being with someone else has changed your mind?
Harvey
January 18, 2021 at 10:20 pm
My ex gf and I broke up cause I asked her about why she is talking to another man she claims she loves ( she met at work and had intercourse with when we broke up for 6 months but didn’t admit it to me till this final break up). But the guy used her as a booty call and doesn’t want anything to do with her but just for booty calls. I found he reached out to her by looking through her Apple Watch. I waited and calmly asked her when she spoke with him last, she made up a time frame telling me it’s been a month when she lied to me I told her he reached out last week. She proceeded to tell me she doesn’t remember and so on so forth. It then got to the point after a week we were distant from each other, I ended up kicking her out of my house even though she was already packing on her own. I tried to get her to stay she wasn’t having it so I helped her pack her stuff and she got mad at me. She tried leaving things behind and stuff but I gave it all back. She then reached out in the beginning of the break up hot and cold and then just went cold. She found a guy within 3 weeks after our break up since then we spoke very little and she ended up blocking my phone # and even went outta her way after 2 months of the break to search for me on Facebook to block me. I feel like she keeps pushing my buttons to get a reaction out of me. My question is are we really over? Considering we have had a on and off again relationship for some time now 4 years to be exact.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 19, 2021 at 9:09 pm
Hi Harvey, so with on and off relationships, you often find that you get back together when you do not have someone else in the frame. I would suggest that you complete a 45 day no contact and work on yourself in that time, explore dating for a while and then reach out after 45 days if you want to get her back.
Nicola
December 20, 2020 at 1:50 am
So my ex bf cheated while we was still together, he made her his official gf before we even broke up. It has been almost a year now and we started talking again and are on good terms, we’ve met up twice. But the girl is still posting him on Snapchat, even though he has told me they aren’t seeing each other (prob lying), and he wants things to progress with me and misses me etc. Do I still have a chance? What do I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 20, 2020 at 6:58 pm
Hi Nicola, yes I would say he is maybe questioning coming back to you, but why would you want to be with someone who has cheated on you and is clearly cheating on this other girl with you – even if it is just emotionally right now. Consider if this is someone you want to be in a relationship with.
Carla
December 11, 2020 at 1:47 pm
I (F 38) met someone (M 43) online about 15 months ago and he pushed for a romantic relationship even though I wanted to take things slow. He was very supportive when i went through difficult times and we would chat via text, phone, and video every day. I fell in love with him and we were so happy together. He was supposed to visit me but due to Covid we had to postpone meeting each other as we live in different countries, and borders were closed. We continued to talk for hours every day and i feel that he knows and understands me better than anyone else. He told me i make him very happy and he would always be there for me. My job became very stressful during lockdown and i eventually lost my job. I also had some medical issues and went through a difficult time (about 1 month). He became distant and when i confronted him he ended our relationship (at end October) and said we should just be friends. I suspected he met someone else but he denied it when i asked him directly on a few occasions. For a about 3 weeks I tried to be friends with him, with the hope that he would realize he made a mistake but it became apparent that he is speaking to someone else online, and that he hadn’t been completely truthful to me. I’m sure he was speaking to her before he ended our relationship. I started no contact on 18 November and will wait 45 days before reconsidering how to proceed. I have been focusing on getting a new job and improving myself (lost more than 12 pounds already). He hasn’t reached out to me at all except liking one of my Instagram posts. I miss him so much and it is so hard knowing that he is having a relationship with someone else… I’m losing hope that he is even still thinking about me. Is there anything else I can do now to try and get any indication if I still have a chance of getting him back?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 28, 2020 at 9:15 pm
Hi Carla, not really more you can do right now as you are long distance you just need to be sure that you are appearing to be living your life happily and not sat at home upset about him and the new woman. I suggest that you make sure you do not appear online all the time either so he can wonder where you are, or why you have not been active like you normally would.
PJ
December 4, 2020 at 7:35 pm
I’m treating this woman as an ex because that’s what it feels like. We fell in love when she was married to someone else. She got divorced a 5 months ago. I did not handle things well at all. She said she found someone new, they’re taking it slow. They’re currently not dating anyone else. She said I pushed her so far away we could never have a romantic relationship. I started the no contact rule and she instantly responded you need space? I said yes. She said I do understand. I feel better but is this even salvageable?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 4, 2020 at 10:23 pm
Hi PJ, I think you need to follow the no contact rule for 45 days and let her wonder why you are not chasing her. You need to consider how she also met someone else while speaking you / going through her divorce.
Becky
October 14, 2020 at 8:06 pm
So I’ve been in a 4 year relationship with this man and we have a son together. Within the last 2 1/2 years we lost 4 babies and I have struggled with postpartum depression. We’ve been through so much together including him helping me through my depression. I’ve been trying to get back to myself but it was never enough for him and about a month ago I found out that he was talking to this girl who he sore was just a friend. That same day I brought it to his attention he broke up with me saying I’m toxic and not what he wants anymore. He said my mental health is dragging him down and he can’t deal with it anymore. I had just started to get professional help with my postpartum about a week before this so It caught me off guard since I’m trying everything to get back to a healthy version of myself. Well the whole time we’ve been broken up he has been telling me there is no hope for us that I need to just let it go but we still live together and he was still sending mixed signals so I kept faith we could fix our relationship. Well I found out that for this month we’ve been broken up he has been talking/dating that same girl he told me was just a friend. I just want our family back together, what do I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 15, 2020 at 5:27 pm
Hi Becky, the first thing you need to do is focus on you. It’s time to be selfish and make sure that you are thinking of your mental health. Stop asking him to get back, or if there is hope etc, because right now he probably feels there isn’t as he is seeing you as the same person who is going though a hard time. You need to work on yourself so that you come out of this dark place and show him how strong and happy you can be. That is when you need to start following the program, for now though the focus needs to be on you!
kyle roberts
October 6, 2020 at 12:20 am
So me and my Ex were dating for 4 years with so small fights in between, and unfortunately on the day of the break up the same happened. Fast forward 2 weeks, She hung out with me a few times continued to express her love and then one day told me she just wants to be friends, and loves me but feels like she needs to do this, so my instincts kicked and and found out she was seeing another guy since the day we broke up.. I may have overreacted a bit initially but got my emotions in check quickly and started researching. I have decided to do no contact and a week after so a month to the date of our break up she makes her relationship Facebook offical. I’m wondering do I continue no contact or do I reach out? We were talking about marriage all this year and this was a huge surprise to me..