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Amber
March 27, 2014 at 3:16 am
Hi Chris, my ex and I have not spoken for 23 days. When we broke up a while ago I found out he went back to his ex. He is currently with her and seems kind of happy unless he’s just doing what a normal rebound person does. I just wanted to know if contacting him after the 30 day NC rule is the right thing to do.. Before he’d text me sometimes and we’d talk about our relationship.. Or argue.. But when he speaks to me he gets upset when I mention his girlfriend & he calls her his “friend”. He seems like he likes her but he doesn’t seem so into their relationship like he did with me & him. So should I message him after the 30 days or just leave it alone?
admin
March 27, 2014 at 11:56 pm
I think its worth a try to message him. Be really casual about it though.
April
March 26, 2014 at 9:07 pm
Hey Chris my name is April I have been on vacation the last month visiting my family well I am surpose to be here on vacation intill April 7th well I got to my vacation place on February 24th well me and my ex were texting and we started fighting with each other in text messages well on March 4th he ended it with me but we text off and on after that he told me to not come back home to stay where I was and he would mail me up some more clothes and I told him I don’t need any I got enough with me and then a couple of days later I ask him if he wanted me to come home or not he said it was up to me well last Tuesday I ask him if he found someone else and to be honest with me because he never told me why he ended it and didn’t want me to come home well on Tuesday he text me and told me that he was just talking to someone and he told me that he would buy me my ticket to come home when I wanted to and I told him if I come home where am I going to be living and he said same house with him and then the next day which was last wendesey I ask again and got same answer well on Monday I text him and told him that I got my ticket money and I will be home 3 or 4 days and he said how when I was texting him and I just told him the same text and he text me back saying April I know u probably already know and then he said I don’t think that would be a good idea and then he said I know u probably know because people talk but I met someone else I want be honest and I said u said I could still live in the house with u well I get a text saying she is moving in with me and I ask him about my stuff he said it is still in the house and if it is ok with u it is going in the shed so pretty much I am going to go back to the state I live in and stay with my friends for the time being. Chris I don’t know how long he has been with this girl I know that they must of started hanging out on the 16th of may and someone told me they had pics taking of each other and posted them the 17th of march and then on Sunday he put that he was in a relationship with this girl and not only that she is moving in my house with him. Chris me and my ex been together for 3 years and 8 months it has been along time. I just don’t know what happen and what is going on I am so confused I don’t know if this is a rebound relationship or not or something else. I use to be everything to him he use to call and text me all the time and now I don’t here from him at all its like he dropped off the planet and he even unfriend me on Facebook. I am just so lost with so many questions if he still loves me and has feelings for me and he goes and kicks me out of the house and moves his new person in when he doesn’t even know her that well along with her kids. If u can help me at all Chris it will be great thanks again.
admin
March 27, 2014 at 11:17 pm
Are you currently freezing him out with the NC rule? You haven’t begged for him back or done anything like that.
April
March 29, 2014 at 2:10 am
I only text him yesterday asking him why he ended it with me and then I replied back but have not text him back or anything.
April
March 29, 2014 at 2:12 am
And I haven’t beg for him back or anything like that not even when he ended it with me.
Jane
March 26, 2014 at 3:21 pm
What if you were with this guy for 2 amazing years and have lots of great memories, but her rebound’s look is a 9 and yours a 7?! Is there still a chance that he leaves his gorgeous and younger new girl for you?! I mean I’m fit and look good, I receive compliments on a daily basis, I’m pretty sure that my EX is still very attracted to me, but I know that I’m not a “bombshell”, well she kinda is! I know that personally if I date the hottest guy in the city, I still think about my EX day and night and want to be with him, but I also know that men’s brain work a lot different than women’s, so I have no clue if he’s willing to let go of his rebound or not, just because he might feel lucky to be with a very pretty girl and is afraid to lose her! Honestly I don’t know, I’m confused! :- Thanks in advance!
Dirk
March 25, 2014 at 8:54 pm
Chris,
Three year relationship which was a good one a few arguments which were sorted out in about half an hour,we had a awesome Xmas/New Year said she loves me body and soul and wanted to get enguaged, we chose a ring. Then in Feb she was acting all weird still calling me babe/love, love you etc I looked into what was going on and we split up on the 5 March 2014 after I found out she had been unfathful texting other guys and sexual with one of them.
Now she has updated fb that she is getting married on the 31 May 2014 to one of the guys(most people don’t know we have split up) and this guy has “rocked her world big time”, and when you this happy it’s meant to be….now am I crazy or is she in rebound??? Personally I think she’s lost the plot????
Dirk
March 26, 2014 at 5:57 am
Update they bought the dress yesterday and will choose the venue tomorrow…..WOW I am gobsmacked….a load of people still thinking we were dating and have called to say happy for us ….had to tell them we off.
Her comments to a mutual freind are have to tell you am not marrying Dirk….am with a very good man and its just right, never been this happy ever so it is so right!!!
All I can say is WOW wtf….
Margi
March 25, 2014 at 6:03 pm
My boyfriend and I had been dating for 3 years, we have a child together. I broke up with him in December thinking we would get back together. My intentions being that he would realize what he had and start spending more time with our son. Well at the beginning of March he started dating his friend who he has known for the past two years. They work together and she has a child of her own with someone else. My ex and her are living together and he says that this is a real relationship and she isn’t a rebound. They have been together almost a month now and I don’t know whether I should just stop trying. He said he waited for me to reconcile with him and after two months of drinking a lot he had to move on. I don’t know if this is a rebound relationship or if he really meant what he said about this being a real relationship with her? Please help.
admin
March 26, 2014 at 5:07 pm
How long has he been dating her?
Margi
March 26, 2014 at 10:43 pm
They have been together almost a month.
Margi
March 26, 2014 at 10:45 pm
I made the mistake of asking for him back and telling him I loved him.
Dan
March 25, 2014 at 7:42 am
I broke up with my ex gf in November after she cheated on me in April. In January she tried to get back together with me but I turned her down because I was still healing myself. In early February I tried to get back together with her but she said she just wanted to be single.
Now she is seeing another guy but kept contacting me once every week for a month. The last time we talked all she talked about was her and this new guy. She even talked about how they were hanging out and it was on my birthday. Really hurt me. Then her friend told me that she told her that she had no feelings for me anymore. I told her that I needed her to stop contacting me because I couldn’t be friends. Did I mess up by telling her to stop contacting me instead of just ignoring her? Any hope still?
Dan
March 26, 2014 at 2:01 pm
Any advice?
Bella
March 24, 2014 at 9:32 pm
Hey Chris, me and my ex have not spoken since 3/3/14. Do you think he’ll text me again?..
Bella
March 25, 2014 at 4:47 pm
I suppose he is in a rebound relationship. Everytime I speak to him and mention his rebound he gets mad and he calls her his “friend” instead it his girlfriend. He is also still attracted to me. He only messages me out of the blue.
admin
March 25, 2014 at 4:36 pm
Impossible to say for sure. What steps are you taking for it to happen? Is he in a rebound relationship?
Rich
March 24, 2014 at 11:20 am
Hi Chris
This is such an amazing website – you give superb advice! If you have a moment; I’d like to run something by you…
My ex and I were together 7 years and broke up 7 weeks ago. I wanted to cut all ties to him to get over the relationship, but he wanted to remain friends and be a part of each others lives. Since the breakup, the longest we have gone without a text, email, phone call or face-to-face meeting is 2 days. We’ve seen each other every week and the spark, laughs, flirts, conversations and love is still there… I feel it and I know he does too.
Yesterday he admitted that he has been seeing someone else who he met a month ago (3 weeks after we broke up). I kept my cool and we had a very decent discussion about it. He said he doesn’t know what he wants at the moment since we’re both 26 and have been together since we were 19.
So here’s the thing… What’s going on?! He spent the day and night with me yesterday and Thursday and spent the night with this other guy Friday night. I advised him that if he does want to move on and make it work with this other guy we really should have NC. He said he doesn’t want to not see/speak to me.
What’s your advice Chris? Am I getting massively played or am I right to keep my cool and hang in there to reconcile things. I love him dearly but obviously don’t want to get 6 months down the line with him seeing us both and then get told he can’t see me anymore. Is he on the rebound?
Best Wishes
Rich 🙂
admin
March 24, 2014 at 6:10 pm
By all means run it by me.
Glad you kept your cool when he dropped that he met someone.
Maybe his new relationship isn’t panning out like he thought or she can’t compare to the standard you set. Nevertheless, keep your guard up. He could be using you. Have you read my article on that?
Bella
March 23, 2014 at 12:12 pm
Hey Chris I wanted to ask you, during NC should I block him or just leave it?
admin
March 23, 2014 at 4:38 pm
Just leave it.
loopy
March 22, 2014 at 7:30 pm
Hello my ex n i were together for 6 years n we lived together for 3 and have a 3 year old together in January he broke up with me telling me that he didn’t want a relationship and he wanted to be free a few days later he said he thinks we need a break and that way we can get her things together the later I guess I was begging and crying too much that he ended up telling me he just didn’t want to be with me later I found out he met a girl who was dating a guy who happens to be his friend in March 1st she broke up with her man 8 days later she’s dating my ex and then 5 days later she moved in with him its so hardbecause when he wants to see my daughter he picks her up and my daughter is in his house with his new love they’ve only been dating a little while in already my daughters near her the crazy part is that this whole time we’ve been broken up he still ask me for favors like if I can give them rides or like a little you the moneyI want him back because I want my daughter to have mommy and daddy together can anyone give me some advice please
admin
March 23, 2014 at 4:47 pm
In other words, he wouldn’t ever commit to you? Even when you were living together and had a daughter he didn’t push for marriage once?
melissa
March 20, 2014 at 11:22 pm
We were together 10 years. Two children. Separated a month ago. Things got better between us and he still wanted to spend time together and work it out. All sudden this week he wants nothing to do with me shut me totally out of his life and I found out he’s seeing a woman. Just last week we were talking said he loved me. Fine days later its like leave him completely alone. P.S she is in the middle of a divorce!!!
admin
March 21, 2014 at 5:02 pm
….. no offense but your guy sounds like a bit of jerk for doing that to you.
NC might be the smartest way to gain some perspective and make him realize what hes missing with you.
dawn
March 20, 2014 at 9:49 pm
My ex and i were together for 12 yrs and have 3 kids together .he left us about 5 months ago and she kicked her ex out and moved mine in 5 days after he split..he says he hates me but won’t tell me to my face and when he ssees the kids he gives me eye contact..now if i have to talk to him i have to go through her and her phone.i believe this is a rebound relationship.can you give me any advice?
admin
March 21, 2014 at 5:00 pm
Were the two of you married?
dawn
March 22, 2014 at 10:25 pm
Yes but that’s another story that is very complicated.
dawn
March 22, 2014 at 10:37 pm
I have tried the no contact but its a little difficult when you have kids together.all he wants to do is talk about the kids which is fine with me,but why can’t he answer things about him and i?the one he is with now is controlling and has to always put her opinion in the situation.and she keeps rubbing my past mistakes in my face like i don’t already know.whhat should i do?
dawn
March 26, 2014 at 2:54 pm
HELP!!!! ITS 5 MONS what are the chances of a rebound relationship?
levi ellerbe
March 20, 2014 at 10:43 am
one question what if she have a baby daddy that is still in her life, and she still love him,and all she do is talk about him and her son all the time and never nothing about you been together for four years, and you trying to have fun with her but she still bring him up and when he make her mad about something it mess up our fun days…. plus she text him and talk about their family and son, and they crack joke and other things….and she tag him in pictures of them on facebook,and than flirt with him on his page when she know she got a man
please make a video about woman with baby daddy and how to fix it….
Marie
March 20, 2014 at 12:04 am
Hi, trying to figure out my shot at getting my ex back. Im 24, hes 25, we dated for almost 7 years. We had broken up in the past way earlier in our relationship about a yr in for maybe5 mths and saw other ppl. We had talked about marriage n kids a bit before but nothing serious. We moved in together about a year ago which was a little further away from his hometown n friends, he wasnt fond of that. things went downhill pretty fast, we stayed in his town every weekend about 30 min away at his parents house as our friends n bars wed hangout at were there. He wanted more freedom n I was needy, expected him to be everything for me, I now realize i was driving him away n no one person can fufill all of that. i also stopped partying as much n was more focused on saving up for a house n getting my masters degree. we argued n eventually sort of gave up on each other and mutually decided to take some time apart to make ourselves happy again in early december. he wrote me a note when he moved out that said i hope one day we can get over all this bullshit n just be happy n that he loved me soo much. He moved out n back home while i stayed at the apt. We occasionally talked maybe once a week with the pointless texts, I was trying really hard to give him space. End of February he was saying that he agreed he still needed time apart n that we were not good together now but still missed and loved me.. beginning of March he texted me wanting to get off our phone plan when i asked why he said he wanted this to be done, our texting to stop and that he didnt see us getting better n hasnt had feelings for me for awhile n was just scared to say so so n that he wanted to move on.. he said i was pushing him into the relationship all the time,.this is where i broke down n did all the needyness begging terrible texting, that he actually said “im sorry idk what to say this is such a turnoff” (wish i woulda read this first!) but anyway i stopped all contact with him here. n Two weeks later there were pictures of him with another girl at a wedding n then a party together, so that made sense to me why he wanted to cut ties when he did. its just been a little more then 3 mnths so im not sure if this is a rebound or not.or how much contact they had earlier in the breakup. I see why this girl interests hims, shes young 21ish, likes to party n probably doesnt have all the negative n neediness he is remembering that i have.
so even though its been 3 mnths it feels as if this breakup just started. its been two weeks so far no contact n ive been working on getting toned and hanging out with friends n really trying to become independent n happy without him., even though everydays a challenge now, we hang out in the same small town so its only a matter of time before we run into each other n amwardly ignore one another at the bar or something. i know he is probably just entering the honeymoom stage n its only a matter of days im sure until i see that they are officially in a relationship status as he appears really happy. Any suggestions?
Marie
March 20, 2014 at 6:33 pm
update- he texted me today asking if the apt ppl got ahold of me about a premoveout inspection. they still call the both of us even though he moved out in December, trivial text but . i didnt reply
Marie
March 21, 2014 at 5:47 pm
He is now officially in a relationship status, 🙁 what do i do, maintain no contact for the rest of the two weeks and then reach out or what? im heartbroken.
admin
March 22, 2014 at 5:13 pm
Yes finish it out and then reach out.
Stay calm. It is going to be ok trust me.
Marie
March 30, 2014 at 7:41 pm
I have a little more then a week to go with NC, however there are now tons of pics with his new what looks like party gal where he appears very happy and in love. Also no signs of contact from him. Because we dated for almost 7 years n then 3 months after the breakup he is dating again, I’m not sure if this is a rebound or not and he seems so happy. We tried to stay friends for the first two months after the split, and i think he kept me in his back pocket while he met this girl and now they are official for 2-3 wks . Im trying to stay cool but its hard to find hope in something that seems so hopeless, any suggestions? Im supposed to reach out in a week; but with him in the full honeymoon stage of this new relationship I’m not sure.
Marie
April 10, 2014 at 11:36 pm
I got through no contact, started taking yoga and socializing more and finally reached out with” youll never guess what I just saw!!, he said “what” right away and i waited about 40 min or so to respond and got what i think is a positive/neutral response of “nice. you dnt see many of those around anymore. I replied “no you dnt, it was quite a sight to see!” and that was the end of the convo… i didnt get to end it like i wanted because no ?’s were asked but it is what it is… Now knowing he is very stubborn n I think still in the honeymoon stage with his new gf (they’ve been together a month now) i can tell he wants to make things wrk with her n will be very short, doubtful, and cautious with me… That being said when should I reach out again?? Im worried if I do too soon, ill appear desperate or something and should it be with a remembrence text?
admin
March 20, 2014 at 5:51 pm
Well, just stick with your NC at this point.
sara
March 15, 2014 at 11:18 pm
my ex and i broke up but had continued spending time together and having sex. we had a huge arguement he said he was really done. i messaged him i was letting him go. 3 days later a girl is claiming to b his girlfriend. i ask him he denies. i do nc for 3 days he calls me chitchatting. i do nc for 4 days and post on fb im going away for a nite and he makes an excuse to text me. then for the next week he tells me he still loves me, hes thinking about life, calls me sexy etc. but i have a feeling hes still messing with this girl. is she a rebound? wut does he want from me? we were together almost 6 yrs
admin
March 18, 2014 at 4:58 pm
How long has he been dating her?
Sara
March 20, 2014 at 10:40 pm
Since nov or dec I believe but if I ask him about her he says their jus messing around. She’s the total opposite of me or his ex before me. He’s only had 2 girlfriends in his life he’s claimed everyone else were jus girls he messed with in between relationships
Enna
March 15, 2014 at 12:08 pm
Hi Chris.
Your website has so much insightful information and I’m so glad I came across it 🙂 Today I just found out my ex is already seeing someone else. How? The girl posted multiple pictures of them together, she even had him go with her to a relative’s wedding – this particular one made me worried because, a wedding is a place where you meet your partner’s parents, family & relatives and the fact that he was there with her… I felt like I could hear my heart tearing apart.
Heres’s my story:
– we were together for 4 years and 2 months
– his last text to me was on the 9th of February
– After the 9th, when he didn’t initiate contact for more than 3 days, I became a text terrorist, obviously because I was so worried. I continued this cycle (although I’ve had a few days break in between every text gnat) for almost a month. I didn’t know he was leaving me since he didn’t say a single word, he simply blocked my number so I couldn’t call etc.
– On the 4th of March, which was on my birthday, he deleted all our pictures from Instagram and unfollowed me. He temporarily blocked me on WhatsApp, unblocked me the next day, and block me again the following day. & this time had his mum, who I’m close with, cut off all contact with me too.
– I am on day 9 of NC today and it was a few hours ago that I saw pictures from the girl’s instagram of them together (mutual friends showed me).
Chris, I knew this was bound to happen but go to a wedding with this girl when he knows its an ‘intimate’ occasion? Do I even have a shot? 🙁 I’m scared that she might successfully make him forget about me since the pictures are clearly showing how happy they both are.
Enna
March 15, 2014 at 12:23 pm
* he has also unfollowed and blocked all my friends & cousins who were following him on Ig.
* He basically started seeing/dating this girl about 4 weeks or less after his last contact with me (or in his mind, the day he left me).
Enna
March 16, 2014 at 7:25 am
Update: Apparently he started seeing her a few days after he cut off all contact with me and as of the 4th March, they’re ‘officially together’. He even brought her to see his family – all this happened within a 4 week period.
Adriana
March 14, 2014 at 11:13 am
Hey Chris. I think my ex is in a rebound relationship but I would like to ask you a question. What does it mean when in every picture with my ex’s new girl, he looks unhappy. Maybe is he unhappy?
Cookie
March 12, 2014 at 4:29 am
Hi,
My boyfriend and I are 69 months in the relationship.. that’s almost 6 years. About a month ago, I suddenly had this urge to check his bag (which I don’t normally do) while he was in the shower. We don’t live in together, but he normally stays at my house on his days off; so, that’s roughly weekly.
When I checked his bag, lo and behold, I found a new mobile phone (postpaid) that I didn’t know of and there is a message from a girl saying:
“Don’t get mad at me. I know you’re in a long relationship and what I am asking for is difficult. It’s just that I am tired of looking stupid. Sorry.”
Since this was the 1st time I’ve experienced, I panicked and rushed to him while in the shower and showed him that I found his phone & the message. All hell went lose from there and I was in a rollercoaster of emotions. I tried to calm down but eventually I’ll be enraged.
He kept on denying and keeping the conversation about the girl off the table while I kept on saying “Why are you protecting her??” In the end, he said he needed space, that he needs to fix himself, and he needs to prove something to himself. He said it will just be quick, 1-2 months. He also said that we are still together and that he will come back. Of course, I wanted to believe him but my nerves still wanted him to stop from having that space. Until he finally say “Are you afraid that I won’t come back?” I asked if I was still important to him, he said yes. I asked why, he just said “bec you’re my girlfriend.” The fight ended messy, because I started preventing him from going to work, where the girl is. Then I also insulted him by saying that I don’t care if he gets sacked. ‘Coz I can and I will provide for his family until he finds a new job. I know that’s a major low blow on my end, but I was already out of control then.
At the end of the day, I went to his workplace and tried to make amends. I gave him back his phone (kept it as an assurance of his return), and said “I resepect your need for time and I will honor it.” I reminded him about the good days we had and all the things I love (still love) about him. I also said I will take care of myself. All of these happened 2 days before Valentine’s Day. On Vday, I couldn’t help it. I just had to see him. So, I went again. He obliged and we had dinner, a casual one. It felt as if we were okay. He accepeted the gift (a watch) that I gave as a gift, which was already purchased before the fight. In my head, who in their right minds will accept a gift from someone when they don’t like the person anymore (by the way he isn’t a douche or that type who will milk you for all your money, he hates it actually). He just said “I feel embarrassed taking this because this is expensive.” That was his only comment, but still he accepted it. I slept over at his place (nothing happened) but he allowed me to cuddle, he even gave me a kiss on the lips when I was pretending to be asleep. When we woke, we went out of the house to watch the parade, watch a drag race contest, he still gave me little pieces of information about him like where they used to live and all those. So, my hopes were up again.
After that, he became cold again. No texts, no calls. I kept quiet for 4 days. Then I started texting him things like “good morning! I hope you’ll have a great shift today.” and did not expect any replies (which he really didn’t). Now, the stress from the agony of it all, made my heart weak coz I wasn’t eating & sleeping for weeks. So, I got hospitalized. He did not come over. He texted me his new number and said that he was reassigned to a different branch (later, I found out that this was a lie.) Then, he unfriended me on FB, blocked me, unblocked me, and slowly deleted every picture I had on on timeline. Yesterday, I greeted him after 10 days of no contact “Happy 69th, monthsary! I miss you.” I wanted to remind him of what he said. That we are still together and he shouldn’t leave me hanging just like that. ‘Coz I am the type when I am in a relationship (as long as the label girlfriend is there) I will not mar my reputation by getting flings, dating, etc. After the text, I received an SMS “hah?” the initial reaction (or maybe it’s my instinct working) was this is not him. that’s not how he texts. So, I repeated my SMS. After a few minutes, I found myself blocked on his FB again, and he changed his password for the 2nd time (even when I don’t know what the password was anymore).
I feel crushed. Devastated. Torn. My self-worth never has been this low. I told myself, I know that I am pretty, but maybe I am not pretty enough for him. I am successful with my job, but maybe that’s hurting him because I earn 2x more. Also, maybe it’s because when I went on vacation for a month, I came back a lot of pounds heavier (sad to say).
I still want him back. No matter what he has done, I still can’t get mad/angry at him. I don’t even resent him. If anything, I’m mad at myself for letting this happen. I can’t even not give him the space coz I asked for it once and he obliged. When I fixed myself, I complete fell for him, nothing left for myself (late 2012). Then, here I am. Miserable. I plan to go to him at the end of the timeframe he gave, 2 months, and ask. But I am utterly terrified of what the outcome will be. I have the same questions as what this page says “How can you forget me so soon?? When the things you have with you daily are all from me? Don’t you miss me at all??” All the people around me are already mad at him for the torture he has put me thru, except me. I wanted to complete the no contact rule, but there is another person involved and I don’t want him to forget me. 🙁
The 2 good things that this brought me are: 1) I lost more than 20 lbs in the process; and 2) I got back with the Lord, although it’s still a huge struggle.
I’m even ready to strip myself of pride and dignity bec I was the dominant in the relation and it is one of the reasons he quitely uttered when we were fighting “I am controlling” (I don’t know how though, coz I never set any strict rules bet. us) and “When I want to buy stuff, I have to pay you back for them.”
What should I do from here?? This is so messed up. 🙁
admin
March 13, 2014 at 2:48 pm
Are you trying anything like NC?
Cookie
March 18, 2014 at 3:39 am
Well, not the whole 30 days,,, I think almost 2 weeks… 10 days… then I had to break it to remind him of what he left me with “we are still together.” by greeting him “happy monthsary.” but the only response I got was “hah?” 🙁
Cookie
March 18, 2014 at 3:41 am
From then on, I haven’t texted him, he even blocked me again on FB… so, at the moment it has been 7 days since I made contact… but it is now driving me insane. The not knowing is killing me. I don’t even know if he is thinking about me. Coz what I am feeling is like I am ragged tossed thrown just like that and I don’t deserve at least an explanation for everything, not even for old time’s sake.
Cookie
March 17, 2014 at 10:51 pm
The longest I had no contact with with him was 2 weeks. Then, I had to remind him that he left me with the “we’re still together” line by greeting him on our “monthsary.” I haven’t contacted him since then; which was the 11th. At the moment, I just don’t understand what is going on. All I can think of is how can this be? How can I be ignored just like this when we were together for almost 6 years.
Will the NC work at this stage?
MJ
March 11, 2014 at 8:40 pm
I was in a relationship for 8 years, things were serious at one point, then I guess you could say we got comfortable. We were focusing on careers and I think we just got tied up and put our relationship aside. But, I always thought we’d be together because we always talked about our future together and how far we’ve come. We both moved to a new city to start our lives together, then about the 7 1/2 year mark he sat me down to tell me that he didn’t think we were meant to be together. I was stunned and thought, although we’ve had our distance, that we’d make it. He thought I would agree and just like that, we’d go our separate ways.
Well, I didn’t agree and got really upset and had a bunch of questions about why we couldn’t just work on some things to bring us closer and fight a little bit instead of just ending it. I asked if there was someone else and he denied it. After my reaction he said he needed to think about things and process everything we just talked about (me actually not agreeing with him and wanting this relationship to work). So days, weeks and even months went by and still no connection from him besides us just living under the same roof and having occasional conversations and hanging out. Not as much sex, just talking about work, other things, going out for drinks and just being roommates, it felt like. For months I just knew something was going on because it’s not like us to come together after awhile when we disagree. He just held himself differently and him not coming back to me and saying “yes, let’s work on some things to bring us closer”.
So, my intuition told me to check things. His phone for unfamiliar calls and texts. I never really checked it before because I always trusted him, but this time I just knew something was being hidden. He was deleting all of his text messages. I asked about it and he said he just does that from time to time (red flag). I continued and continued to ask throughout the summer if someone else was in the picture. He would get sooo frustrated with me for asking and checking his phone. Finally, like 5 months in to this, I checked his phone and sure enough, there were texts between him and her and there was definitely a relationship there. I confronted him and never felt more heart broken in my life. It was someone from work that he spent a lot of time with. We talked about a day later and he never said anything bad about her and didn’t say anything to me that he wanted us to work and he’d let her go. He would show me affection by hugging me and constantly saying he was sorry. He said that my reaction to that really showed him how I really felt – just another thing he needed to process. He’d say that this really brought out a lot in me and that I showed him how much I really did feel for him. He seemed stunned, but I’m sure he just wasn’t sure what to do next now that I knew. I think it confused him even more that I didn’t just walk out.
So, for a few months, he was still telling me that he had to process things, put that relationship on “hold” and just felt confused about what he wanted (me or her and what direction he wanted his life to go down). So, we went through the holidays with him still thinking about things (it’s was just a little different than the months prior, because I knew there was another woman now). He tried a little to keep me someone comfortable with the whole thing, but in the back of my mind, I knew she was on hold and he didn’t end that with her. He’d leave his phone out all night instead of with him. Sure enough, she’d send texts through saying stuff like “I know you can’t talk during the weekends, but we need to talk about….”So, she knew he was sneaking around and trying to hide stuff from me, because she’d point out that he couldn’t talk on weekends, but week days during work, it was fair game. That pissed me off, among so many other things. I played around with her a bit because he told me the relationship wasn’t physical, they just kissed and hung out over lunch and stuff. over and over this message was given to me, but why wouldn’t you be able to let someone go if you’ve just kissed them? I knew there was more.
I then text her asking and she came at me, calling me a stupid bitch and that they’ve been “F***ing over lunch hours since June (7 months prior to finding this out) and she listed other times they’ve “F****ed” that’s the term she used, then she told me he’s been lying to me for a long time GET OVER IT! Um, I’m confused, I’m the live in girlfriend of 8 years, why should I get over it? Anyway, I felt it was a competition and I was really pissed at the trash he picked up that I felt replaced me. A week later I decided it was best I move out, before I left he was going back and forth about me staying. I really wanted him to fight to keep me around at this point and at times he’d almost get there. Throughout this whole time, he’s never wanted to fully let me go, but has never wanted to let that go either.
I finally made a move to help better myself and maybe give him some space to finally figure this stuff out. It’s been just over a month since I moved out. We’ve been in a little contact (but really noticing we need the no contact rule). He still says he doesn’t want to lose me forever and isn’t sure if he wants me out of his life. But, he’s still seeing her and is doing a bit more (like happy hours, sex and lunches). We talked a few days ago and he finally told me that he was still doing this stuff (even though he said he wouldn’t and would be by himself to figure this out). I got fed up and said I’m done because I know you won’t figure out if you do truly want to be with me if you’re still seeing her. I even threatened to change my number. He got so emotional with that, he had to get off the phone for a bit. I’ve never heard him cry, especially like that. We’ve always been best friends and he’s always told me that he trusts me and he’s never had a relationship like we’ve had and feels bad that he’s done all this to possibly even ruin a friendship. But, why won’t he stop that relationship then? I feel like we weren’t worth it to him and that she means more. I’m not planning on reaching out any time soon at this point, and I guess we’ll see what he does. But, it’s extremely hard knowing that he’s spending more time with her. I’m sure it’s to see if he really does have feelings, or he just likes the free sex she’s giving him (no commitment required with this one). I’d also like to point out that she’s 8 years younger than him. I’m wondering too if he’s afraid of commitment because I did ask, prior to this whole thing happening, if he still wanted to move forward with our relationship and take it to the next level.
I do want him back and know we’re better/bigger than this, but how can he shake this and actually fight for what we had and could have again? I told him I can’t talk to him or be in his life again unless she’s out, and if he wants me back I have to see some serious fight. I know he just can’t do that now, but will this stupid (I think) meaningless relationship be over soon? Or is he in too deep that he doesn’t want to leave that either? It’s so odd that yes, I’m disgusted by what he’s done, but just want to get over this terrible hump and be stronger together. I’m confused by his response to things with me, and even more confused on what he’s been doing with her, even after he’s just talked to me about us.
Thanks, I’ve found some really helpful stuff here!
ELI
March 10, 2014 at 10:29 pm
I dated a guy for about 3 or 4 months then he broke up with me on august but we still saw each other until november as friends i thought; he texted me and I did the same from august to november he knew i still loved him and so. Now March he is dating a new girl and i found out because he sit in front of me on a congress and he knew i was behind him and he hugged and kissed his new girlfriend the entire hour and a half!!!!! He told his new girlfriend about me (i think)and then she was turning back to see me!! I was so angry because I don’t know!! It was just a really awkward situation. My question is… do you think he did that on purpose? Kissing and hugging her knowing I was behind him? And why would he do that? It just hurt me because i sended him a message before seen him he was in front of me and he never answered and i think he showed it to her 🙁 The text message said: Where are you? Guess he didn’t answered because …it was obvious.
admin
March 11, 2014 at 4:44 pm
I think he absolutely did it on purpose.