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Lynn
February 24, 2014 at 6:21 am
I’ve been dating this guy on & off for about four years now. We Valentine’sy started dating again last December, everything was fine when we were together. The week before Christmas we spent almost everyday together, and being with him I was truly happy. That Is until I went through his phone about two days after Christmas and saw that he was texting other females, calling them “love” and telling them that he missed them. I can admit seeing that hurt more tham anything because in the past we always had problems with him cheating, which my friends all get touchy about because they all know he cheats.I knew too, but I have a bad habit of forgetting & forgiving, so when he does wrong I usually take him back because I do love him & would like for us to actually try to work things out. We both have our issues, his are his lack of self control with other females, and my lack of trust tjat causes me to lash out on him constantly. We both promised to work on these issues before we started dating again, but we seem to always come up short. During this period of us dating agaim I’ve broken up with him twice because of him telling the other females he missed them & loved them. But soon forgave him because we both had our share of screw ups. For example, we both cheated on each within the same time range and both admitted to doing wrong. We forgforgave each other, and our agreement was to never speak with the two of the other party again. I held to my part of the deal because I actually wanted to work things through. But I soon found out that he was still on speaking terms with the female he cheated with. When I questioned him about it he claimed it wasn’t for the reason I thought It was for, so I asked what was the reason, he said because his brother wanted to “talk” to her. Which I foind truly disgusting and disrespectful. He promised to not speak with her again, but I couldn’t take his word for It since he was known for lying. I went to the girl and asked her if he was still attempting to get In her pants (no I didn’t say it in that fashion Lol) & instead of her replying to me she went to him and yelled at him for admitting to me that he slept with her. Now, I’m mad because she couldve just answered me and I wouldve went about my business. After she tells him, he calls me and yells at me for not taking his word (which I couldve.) & is upset with me since she was now yelling down his neck. He broke up with me, saying it was only a break because I was being extra… which I don’t believe. Then when I told him it was not a break he basically Begged me to come back, which confused me. A few days pass, and Valentine’s day came & he texts me “Happy Vday, enjoy.” Which stuns me & ill admit I was happy to receive that text because I was really missing him although I felt I shouldn’t be. I’ve reached out to him on multiple occasions telling him I’m wrong to fix things if he is, to which he responded that he loves me too much to keep up the cycle of hurting one another, & that he wants me to go out & learn/evidence new things & he will too then when we both have fixed our flaws and bettered ourselves we can try again… I feel like he was trying to let me know he didn’t want me in a subtle fashion. Am I right & should I give up on him?
admin
February 24, 2014 at 6:49 pm
Well, really it all boils down to what you feel is best for YOU. Personally, I don’t think you should try to get him back but if you do then go for it.
Lynn
February 25, 2014 at 5:42 pm
Its a little hard because I do miss him a lot.. but you’re right I shouldn’t. Thank you
Claire
February 23, 2014 at 9:15 am
Hi, my bf of a year has broken up with me as he claims that he still has feelings for his ex. She was his first true gf and their break up wasn’t a good one as she did not treat him well and left him for another guy. He claims that he truly loved her deeply and throughout this one year with him, he has only told me that I mean something to him. They have been together for four years and broke up half a year before he got to know me.
He is certain he doesn’t want to be in a rs now as he doesn’t know what he wants and he’s afraid I’ll get hurt. I have asked him and he says that he won’t consider getting back with his ex. From his answers I know that he hasn’t tried hard enough to get over his ex and all the hurt he has experienced. He says we can remain as friends and go out in dates.
I have written him a long list of questions which he says he will try his best to reply honestly but it has been a week and I have yet to hear from him. I do still want to be friends with him as I still want him in my life and have told him that we can still be friends and he says okay but it seems like he is waiting for me to make the first move in contacting him as he hasn’t made the first move in contacting me for about a week.
Do you think the No Contact rule will work in my case? And I will be seeing him in two weeks time as we have mutual friends, what should I do when we meet up? Also, will it be “safe” for me to ask his sibling about how my ex is doing as they are close and after all, who knows him better than his sibling.
Please help me. I am so confused and lost as I feel that what I’m feeling now is one-sided and my ex isn’t missing me at all, though I can’t be sure.
K
February 25, 2014 at 11:32 pm
Hi I was wondering if you could help, Ive tried every other guide out there and they have all not helped and have largely been about getting in shape and moving on…NOT what I am after. And so now its been three months since the break up and Ive had no real progress. I have really enjoyed your site and so I want to give yours a try. I have started my No Contact in the hope that he will miss me (as I have already been doing a lot of ‘me’ work, my main goal from NC is for him to miss me) HOWEVER as I have not been begging pleading and crying I don’t think the shock factor of loss will be there for him. Also I don’t actually think he will notice as we have been in contact since the split, its all been positive (including drunken texts from him, him initiating conversations and even a suggestion to meet up as he is holding onto an item of mine he has…I didn’t know he had it and it was only when I posted on my fb that I lost the item he texted me about it) but now its slowed down from texting every day to 9 days between messages, and eventually I was messaging him first every time. The last conversation was flirty and then he stopped replying, but replied the next day asking questions etc. I haven’t replied as I started nc but I just think it’ll come across ignorant. Also we are in a long distance relationship, but that would change next month when I move. I just have a lot of worries that by not doing all the wrong things anymore, nc wont have the same effect. And Ive shot myself in the foot. He used to be so adoring and chased me like crazy, I was actually very reluctant to get into a relationship with him at first but he was desperate to have me so I gave him a chance then fell head over heels (but due to interference from annoying people, I got into my head that he couldnt be trusted, became jealous and annoyed the crap outa him). He ended it saying he had no feelings for me whatsoever but still wanted to be friends and even pursued a friendship. Weve met up twice since the split, the first time (well you know) and the second time he said he couldnt as he didnt have feelings for me and so didnt want to lead me on…however his latest texts like I say have been flirty (but I may be reading into it hoping its flirty and not friendly). He once told me that as he is so busy with work he doesnt remember things people say to him if they are not important or if the person is not important to him, so for example he said he wouldnt remember if a random girl messaged him on fb a few days later cause she wasnt important to him, but he remembered what I spoke about cause I was in his life every day! But now I havent been speaking to him every day and so I was surprised when I spoke to him on the phone and told him I was in his city, but didnt want to say why, and yet he has asked about this, four times since the first mention of it. Sorry for the essay its just I dont usually comment etc, so theres a lot I have to say I want him to miss me essentially and I want some real advice and would LOVE your take on this. Does it seem like he has no feelings, will nc work on him? How the eff do I make him miss me and chase me again?
THANK YOU so much!
admin
February 27, 2014 at 7:18 pm
I think he does have feelings of course!
admin
February 24, 2014 at 6:27 pm
I think the no contact can certainly help!
Blip Blop
February 22, 2014 at 11:46 pm
Okay so my boyfriend and I broke up about two weeks ago. I don’t necessarily need to be with him again but I don’t want to lose any chance of a friendship. I had snapchatted him and talked to him basically everyday after we broke up until we got into an argument and he deleted me as a contact on snapchat. He told me that he needed space or he would “shut me out forever.” I haven’t talked to him since Tuesday when we had the argument and I see him all the time on campus (our paths cross going to classes). He has a mock trial competition on Friday and I was doing mock trial on another team but our team can’t compete this Friday but it is kind of a way we came to know each other while we were dating. I just want to know if it would be an okay thing to do to maybe put a box of sweet tarts (his favorite candy) with a sticky note that said good luck at mock trial and sorry in his locker? Or maybe just a note? Or just not do that at all?
ariel
February 20, 2014 at 9:09 pm
hello. I could really really use some help. my ex and I just broke up a few days ago. he said he wanted to try being single and there is this other girl that he kind of likes. even though he likes this girl, and might date her, he told me that he still loves me and in the end wants to be with me. the girl that he likes at the moment is the same girl that he left for me 1 year ago. Im thinking he is being like this because it is something new and exciting to him and I think he will realize that I am truly what he wants. hes already said that it wont last with her and he does want to be with me. is there a way that I can catch his eye around school and help move the process of him missing me along a little faster? im willing to do anything. I believe that this guy is my soul mate and that I am meant to be with him.
admin
February 21, 2014 at 6:10 pm
Have you done anything I have recommended on this site so far?
leah
February 20, 2014 at 5:32 pm
hi! if youre reading this, thank you so much for your time. my ex and i broke up a couple days ago (less than a week) and we were together for 10 months. i broke up with him, not thinking too much of it (since usually he calls me begging to get back together, and i accept) but this time he purposely ignored and avoided me. we broke up the a couple days after valentines because i was rude to him about his older brother, since he went up to my car smoking and showing off his sleeve tattoo to my mom. i apologized right after and he forgave me, but wouldnt stop bringing it up so we fought constantly. he obviously didnt forgive me, and he told his family (which will be awkward if we do get back together). ive been texting and calling him WAY too much and he wont respond, which is killing me. i decided to let him cool off about the brother thing by persuing the No Contact Rule, but im afraid he will just move on. Also, i went up to him yesterday to talk and we did, but he seemed expressionless to what i was saying and did not say anything really back. he told me he will think about it and lets just take a break, but im afraid of him saying no. what do you think i should do?
leah
February 20, 2014 at 5:40 pm
Also, i forgot to mention that he wasnt becoming as involved as he was in the beginning of our relationship. we used to talk 24/7, and it slowly drifted to maybe once or twice a day for 30 minutes or so. we loved each other very much, and when i had that conversation with him yesterday?(which i mentioned in my previous comment) he said he would call me, which he never did even though he is active on his phone and accidentally called me thinking it was his mom, and said he wasnt sure how he felt about me anymore. when we broke up, he asked if we could give it another shot, and i stupidly said no (now regretting that) because he didnt seem to really care. and if he wanted to get back together, which happened about 3 days ago, how could he be unsure about his feelings for me when he loved me just a couple days ago? is he just mad and needs time to think and cool off?
Konnect Life
February 21, 2014 at 9:17 am
You must keep in mind that you are probably not the only one playing this game! He may be getting advice on how to play the game as well and learning the no contact rule, so both of you may end up sitting there wanting each other but not doing anything because you were told not to.
I must admit, as a male, that we males have TONS of dating tips and techniques from the PUA/Pick Up Community that also teach us how to play the game in such a way that the psychology of attraction works in our favor. The problem is, however, that women also have similar dating instructions and products to teach them to play the game as well. The result is as all these things become more mainstream, yes, more people may begin to have a chance at finding success with dating and attraction, but eventually everyone will be playing and acting instead of acting based on their genuine feelings. The new result will be people liking each other but holding back because both sides are being told to wait for the other person to do/say something first.
See how this works?
While game play is REQUIRED in any and all types of relationships with people (because humans are designed by nature to play games), it can become a problem when the game is becoming less natural and more methodically structured.
In reality, all that’s going on is people are taking the games that the people who are naturally experienced with dating are playing and teaching those with less social skills or less “game” how to become the same way. This can be good and give certain people chances of success that they’ve never before had with dating. However, it can also create problems because they may play games with the wrong people and end up losing out as a result. An example would be when someone is taught to act a certain way or play not interested or do no contact after a break up, etc. Then they end up in a relationship with someone who is very straight forward and literal, but sensitive at the same time. Something happens to cause Person A to have to play one of the games while Person B doesn’t understand what’s going on and feels rejected and ends up naturally backing off with the assumption that Person A must not care about them.
This is the problem with too many games.
Yes, I already know some people hate to admit that they play games and will either deny it OR choose to consider everything a game EXCEPT for the things they do. Either way, anytime you do or don’t do something you naturally want or don’t want to do and there is nothing at all stopping you from going along with your natural feelings other than the fact that someone may think something, game play has already started. This covers everything from seeing something on facebook you likle but purposely not liking it all because a certain person posted it (or vice versa) to not calling someone you want to call when there is nothing stopping you from reaching out to that person, all because you feel that you have to wait this long or have them call first, etc. Have you ever dressed up for an interview or presented yourself differently in front of a hiring manager because you had an agenda? BAM. GAME PLAY! Did a manager ever tell you “we will keep your application on file and call if you’re selected” instead of letting you know they didn’t want you? GAME PLAY on their part.
We all play games.
Sometimes, we must risk breaking the rules of these games because the structured game is becoming too mainstream and it will eventually cause us to lose more than succeed in the end. You break up with someone and end up doing no contact until they go through all stages of grief and try to come back during the “anger” phase or even after they’ve moved on, you’re pretty screwed. What if you never played the no contact rule and got back to them at the best time possible?
But yes, it’s true that either way, you never know what will happen. I guess bottom line here is while these game rules may help many people who don’t naturally have the skill, too much of it can hurt if it begins to keep too many people apart who could’ve been together if only they were feeling free to express themselves in an open honest manner.
While dealing with people who have autism spectrum disorder, bipolar disorder, social anxiety or anything of that nature, these game rules could have bad or opposite affects from what you desire. But at the same time, learning these rules could be beneficial to those who HAVE those disorders since it will teach them to socially behave in a manner that majority society accepts.
In other words, Leah, I want to say this: My girlfriend and I just broke up on Sunday, weekend of Valentine’s Day. She has already texted me though. I have no idea how she is feeling and I feel like this break up was rather dumb and unnecessary. At some level, I think she agrees, but at the same time, I’m not sure. I feel like her text was her attempting to reach out to me and for me to make the next move. But here I am playing happy and uninterested and trying to play no contact. Regardless of me enjoying myself and having other things to do, I do still think of her and want to see her and tell her straight up that we need to stop f—–g acting like kids and running away every time something goes wrong and grow the f–k up and work things out (in a passionate loving way, of course, so she feels the passion of my words in her soul). But I’m not doing anything because I’m always playing the waiting game for her to make the next move. Who knows if she is also learning the game and sitting there waiting for me.
What sucks is part of the reason she broke up was because she thought I was about to leave her… And yes, I did send her a message the previous week saying I should probably let her go.
Now it’s all confusing because you throw in technicalities and we could both say we technically broke up with each other. Therefore, the rules are more confusing because the initial circumstances themselves are unclear. So, if the rule is that the one who broke it off is the one who should reach out first, yet we both technically initiated the break up, then who does what? How do I even know in her mind that she feels that she broke up when I was the one who surprised her by returning her keys afterwards when she never asked for them back? Now we have all these games to play, but we don’t know which version of the rules to follow due to the fact that we don’t even know if this is an actual break up or a break or who left who.
Maybe I will just go see how she is doing… but after a few more days of playing no contact, of course. Maybe she’s sitting there waiting to hear my knock on the door. Maybe she’s disappointed that my text implied that I was enjoying my life without her. Yes, I simply told her everything I was doing… EXCEPT for the fact that I miss her. Why? Because I have to play the game. I’m not sure what kinds of games she was taught in her culture and country, but I’m sure the things I’m doing are only confusing her. It would be very ironic if this entire experience with my game playing causes her to decide to leave this country, which she has already been wanting to do because she feels misunderstood here enough as it is.
leah
February 23, 2014 at 5:07 pm
thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me, and im very sorry to hear about your break up too. my ex is playing games like you mentioned to me, except i recently learned he just doesnt want to get back with me anymore. he also mentioned (not to me of course, he wont talk to me) that he doesnt miss me, so obviously he is taking his pain in a hatred way. i decided on just moving forward with life, dressing nice and being happy. and if its meant to be he will come back. i appreciate your advice, and if you need any in return im always here 🙂
Courtney
February 20, 2014 at 4:48 pm
Hi there, I am so confused and I have been confused for three months now. My ex boyfriend and I have been broken up for three months and let me tell you, the breakup wasn’t bad it was what we did AFTER the breakup that was bad.
I miss him so much and I am just wondering if he misses me too. For the past three months we have done nothing but fight and say horrible things to each other because one of us would always say or do something to hurt the other one because we go hurt. If he said or did something that hurt me, I would say and do something to hurt him back out of hurt, it’s just a big game. Eventually it got out of control to where we were actually use people to act like they were seeing us whenever we bumped into each other in the same bar.
We tried to do the no contact rule but it never worked out for us, one of us would always e-mail (not text) the other one about something. We e-mail because we blocked each other from our phones. I eventually became so worn out from the arguing and tired of trying to reconcile with him and make it work but too much pain and hurt right after the breakup that he couldn’t bring himself to want me. I e-mailed him New Years Eve asking if it was best for us not to contact each other anymore and move on because there was no sense in bringing old baggage into the New Year and if he wanted to say goodbye, he should do it now. He agreed and said goodbye (I cried hoping that he didn’t want to say goodbye) I go out with my best friend for New Years after the e-mail of me and my ex’s goodbye and take care, at 11:58 he sent me an e-mail ” Hope you have a great new years eve, I’m going to go out and try to do the same” and then at midnight he e-mailed me ” happy new years”. I called him and we talked and cried together on the phone for HOURS. He said that he loved me and missed me and was so hurt that I left him and I begged for him to take me back because I missed him and loved him just at much- it was a no go. Then series of dramatic events followed after that for two months, we called each other horrible names, saying that we never want to see each other again. Him and I fought on a street corner and I’m crying and I told him to walk away if he is done.. he walked away. Ever since then I have been taking the steps to move forward but still have my days on missing him. He e-mail me this past Friday ( Valentines Day ) which was suppose to be our 1 year anniversary, saying, ” Worst Valentines Day ever..” so what does that mean?? is he missing me after everything that we have done? I don’t want to make the first move and then possibly get shut down again.
Konnect Life
February 21, 2014 at 9:29 am
Lol – you two seriously care about each other. Hopefully one day you will look back and laugh and show him your post.
No one tries to make another upset out of spite or jealousy UNLESS they care about the person they are doing it to. In order to care enough to be upset, you have to care first. Eventually you two are going to need to stop, talk to each other, discuss the things you are both trying to do to each other, and admit to each other WHY you were doing it. Then, maybe you two will realize how much work you’ve been putting into trying to be noticed by each other! What seems bad now could actually be romantic.
DON’T PLAY THE GAME!
This game is NOT for the situation YOU are in! He already reached out, and both of you are obviously putting in work to get noticed by the other person! Both of you already know what you want!
Forget the fact that you are being taught no contact (in THIS case) and he should also forget the “just walk away / be willing to walk away” rule to show that he “doesn’t need you” that guys are learning as well. This is one of those cases where the games are keeping you apart.
Make thew first move (in this case) and let him know (with no doubt) that you want him too (so he can feel to reciprocate). At least if you do get shot down, the moving on process can begin and you will have your answer. But what if you don’t get shot down? You will never know until you reach out…. TO HIS ADVANCES, LOL!!!!!
Think about what I said.
“To His Advances!”
Your chances of being shot down already have evidence of being low. After all, he is obviously not happy without you, so…………. IN THIS CASE you SHOULD take a chance and make it the “Best Spring Break to come, ever!”
belinda
February 20, 2014 at 12:05 pm
ive been dating this guys for over two months now. We are excusive and he told me how differently he feels with me and our sex life was fine. The problem began when he started changing plans to go out and i ddnt like that so i would tell him how sad that made me feel. He told me he wont do it again and doesnt want to be the reason of my sadness. Well he did it again and he started being distant and not calll or text me like he used to. I visited his house and staff and then on friday valentine’s day i confronted him to sort things out and demanded a change. He told me things will change from that day and began to be affectionate and was happy that we sorted things out. On sunday i realised that i forgot my hair dryer at his house so i text him to tell him that ill come and fetch it.
So i went to his house and found him there. He told me ‘baby im coming now’ and i could tell he was drunk. So he came back and asked me did we agree that i was to sleep over at his place. I told him i sent him a text and im not coming to sleep over i just need my hair dryer thats all and then he said ok. He started telling me that he needs space and is sick and tired of arduing. I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he said no he just needs space. Then i just left him there. On tuesday he sent me a text greeting me but i ddnt reply. I love this and hope we make up.im confused
Konnect Life
February 21, 2014 at 9:50 am
There are times I needed space, too. But I always looked forward to when that space time ended! In other words, The times I shared with her were sweeter than the spaces I took. Yes, I could’ve explored other options, but… I didn’t want to. I just wanted to work things out with her.
I am positive I am not the only guy in the world like this, and that there are other guys in the world that can also need space WITHOUT being interested in or considering someone else.
Kendra
February 19, 2014 at 3:56 pm
My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago. I initiated the breakup and he agreed after another huge fight we had. Problem was we lived together and lived awkwardly together like that for a month before we both moved out. I was ok with remaining friends but he said he didn’t want to so I’ve respected that. The only times I’ve reached out to him are when it’s involved money as he owes me money or to talk about the dogs. We shared two dogs and each got one when we split. The one I have I’m giving away because it’s just too much to handle on my own. We agreed on no contact until he was ready. We said goodbye and hugged and said we love and will miss one another the day he moved out. Then we’ve been no contact unless it’s money related. We never speak of our relationship. However, one day I texted him asking him when I would get the payment and he said he needed to drop it off. So I saw him. Then when I was going to give the dog away, he asked to say goodbye even though he had already said goodbye the day we moved out. Then he texted me happy valentines day on the 14th. I guess I just am confused why would he do that? I just texted back thanks same to you after a while. He still needs to return some things of mine. When he makes a payment, he makes it a point to leave a nice message. I guess I just am confused because he said no contact but he keeps breaking it. What are your thoughts?
Konnect Life
February 21, 2014 at 9:57 am
Very obvious and clear that he wants you but you don’t want him (or so it seems). I am also smart enough to never be friends with someone I want more with, especially if THEY break it off. If I have to choose between having limitations put on me and suffering as a result while the other person happily and freely lives in control getting whatever they want or choosing to cut and move on, I’d, of course, choose moving on, which would be less painful for me in the long run. However, it looks as if he has chosen to not suffer with “friendship” but instead suffer by continuing to reach out with chances of getting rejected, which isn’t all that better. This is one of those cases when he should do no contact, but at the same time, I guess he’s in a situation where he MUST make contact.
annallese
March 2, 2014 at 12:00 pm
Konnect Life, you speak some sense. I like it. I would love to hear your thoughts on my (unusual) story! It would just take forever to write it out and go through everything!
steffany
February 19, 2014 at 9:02 am
hello,
I’ve been dating my bf since a year. before that we were close friends and he was really into me. he did everything to get me. i always played the hard one to get. but later i fell for him and we started dating. at first i was kinda mean to him breaking up with him constantly after every fight. but he never let me go. after couple months he tried to broke up with me saying he had no more feelings. i didn’t let him go said i want to be with him. and he accepted and said that i can’t break up with him for no reason. after that i never really broke up with him but felt week. never told him that i loved him and so did he. he said couple times before we were a couple and i was very aggressive about it. so we always held it in. recently before valentines and our 1st year anniversary he suddenly came to my place and tried to break up again. he said he doesn’t love me like before and he’s been faking. recently he was very cold and distant. at first i freaked out because i was really surprised. and he offered to leave and talk the other day. the next day he texted me and i went to his place. i made a nice speech (not mean) even told him i loved him before and was happy with him but if he doesn’t want to continue being with me i said ill let him go. he questioned me like why are you smiling? i saw on his face that he was really surprised. he said “thatswhy you came? i know you were special. and do you think its easy for me?you can never be 100% sure.” i said yea the shorter the better. gave all his stuff and left. he was saying meaningless things like, look what i bought these vitamins etc. and i was like oh great. I’m gonna go now. i kissed his cheeks and left his home. he couldn’t even look back after me. after couple days i posted some pictures of myself outside having fun. couple days after he tagged me on a funny duck video i was really confused didn’t know what to do. on the breakup we agreed to not talk for couple weeks and be friends like before. his mother tagged me on a picture and later he liked one of my pictures. i kept all quite and keep posting time to time. even out with girls at the club. now he’s not doing anything its been 10 days since the breakup. i have no clue what he’s doing or feeling like. dont know what to do.
steff
admin
February 19, 2014 at 7:26 pm
Are you in NC?
Claire
February 17, 2014 at 12:59 am
(sorry, if possible can my comment be removed. I was feeling very emotional but I dont really want it out there on the internet. I understand if it is too late, however.)
admin
February 17, 2014 at 7:42 pm
Is the comment on this page?
Claire
February 20, 2014 at 12:04 am
yes, it’s this comment,
“I’m not sure what to think.
We dated for 7 months. We had great chemistry! We DID had fun together. Sometime around Christmas he …”
Claire
February 16, 2014 at 9:54 pm
I’m not sure what to think.
We dated for 7 months. We had great chemistry! We DID had fun together. Sometime around Christmas he seemed distant, but it fit with his personality. He is a little withdrawn. I feel I respected his space too much by not questioning things and instead hoped he would get through whatever his own issues were. I met his family and friends in this period. He repeatedly did many sweet things for me, however he was not texting as much and began to shrink away from hanging out. Finally he broke up with me. He said we were almost the right fit, but not THE fit. He wants to feel the spark. He’s older than me and is looking for “the one”. Which is a little offensive since I too am looking for “the one” although I don’t feel a biological rush/need for it, but that is what I want too! I was heartbroken, later that week over text he said he wanted to get back together. He felt like we just weren’t connecting emotionally. He promised to make an effort to do this, as did I. Well…we were back together for two weeks, and I didnt feel he made an effort at all. Maybe for a day he tried, but otherwise he didn’t try at all. He came over for dinner on valentines, seemed dumpy as soon as he was in the door. Grumpy the whole night, I asked him three times if he was okay. Yes he said. He brushed my hand away when it touched him. We finally had gone to bed to sleep and thats when he told me, he was feeling blah. He wasnt feeling it anymore. We dont have fun together, he said. I dont understand because we do have fun together when he isn’t in a grumpy mood right from the get go. He said little things about me have been bothering him since our “honeymoon” phase is over. He said, when he isn’t with me he misses me but when we’re together he doesnt have fun. I was incredibly angry because he was the one who wanted to try again. Incredibly mad because it was like he wanted the relationship to work but only for a day, and then every time we hung out after that he was grumpy right from the get go, before we had a chance to even have fun. Our physical connection was gone. I guess I feel like it’s truly over now, but I’m unsure because I’ve had a lot of confusing emotional issues with him. I’m very angry with him with how he handled this. We agreed that we would talk as soon as he started to feel like he did before (doubt) yet he didn’t. When I angrily told him that he should have brought this up earlier when I asked him whats wrong, he’s like “I’m bringing it up now, what difference does it make?”. I have to say, being broken up with while laying in your bed ready to fall asleep is an awful experience. I’m ashamed that I am still attracted to him. Especially when I think about how he made me feel. I will not contact him. I get it, he said he doesn’t feel I am “the one” for him, which hurts. But it seemed so early in the relationship to have such serious thoughts…we dont even know each other yet. I feel his thoughts destroyed things in that sense. I want him, and REALLY don’t want to want him. The no contact rule is going to be my route. As he was leaving he grumpily suggested we could talk sometime in the future. I angrily said a firm and instant NO. I just wish I could give up hope that he’ll come to his senses. But I somehow don’t want him too either. He played with my emotions too freely. I don’t know what to do.
Sophie
February 16, 2014 at 11:29 am
Hi there
My bf of 9 months cheated on me and I broke up with him.. We both went on holidays separately ( we’ve paid and booked our holidays before we met each other).
We were together for 3 mos and LDR for six months because of the nature of his work but I can truly say that we’ve both put time and effort to make the relationship work and it did.. Though we were far away from each other, the feelings just grew stronger.
Prior our holidays, I told him that LDR is getting hard because I just keep missing him and it’s starting to hurt. We both decided that once we get back from holidays, we will look for jobs where we can be closer to each other without sacrificing our careers and he also wanted us to live together which was okay with me.
While we were in our separate holidays (yes, our holidays were booked at the same time), we were still texting each other though not as much because we both had different activities. But a day won’t end without hearing from each other.
However, a couple of days before he admitted that he cheated, I was feeling different, I suppose it’s a woman’s intuition, and something just wasn’t right when I saw the girl tag him on fb photos. So I asked him about it and he said that he doesn’t know what he wants and after spending time with the girl (he met on the tour) he wasn’t sure who he wants to be with..
I hated the fact that I had to ask him about it.. He probably thought that I won’t see the photos uploaded by the girl..
I know I’ve said hurtful things and I’m not proud of it but he just made me so angry, and I never felt like that before… He said sorry for hurting me and he never responded to me when I told him I don’t want to be with him.. He just walked away and I haven’t heard from him again and it’s been a month now. I’ve deleted him on fb cos it hurts whenever I see him there..
I haven’t texted/called/messaged him either.
It hurts more cos I don’t see any remorse from him, but I also know he hates being seen as weak. He likes to keep his ‘macho’ image to people.
I know everything’s been said and done, but at the end of the day I still miss him and I don’t know how to change that. Has he really moved on or he’s playing mind games with me?
admin
February 16, 2014 at 6:33 pm
WAs the cheating a one time thing?
Sophie
February 17, 2014 at 11:33 am
I’m not sure about your question.. I don’t think it was a one night stand if that’s what you mean.. Him telling me that he’s confused between me and the girl makes me think that he fell for the girl somehow.. I know he was with her on the tour for 10 days. I can tell that the girl really likes him..
I think it was the only time he cheated on me though.
admin
February 17, 2014 at 7:27 pm
How can you tell that she really likes him?
Sophie
February 17, 2014 at 8:22 pm
I saw the photos and the girl posted on his wall that she misses him.
What do u think I should do?
iris
February 15, 2014 at 2:16 am
My bf and I broke up 3 weeks ago he said he didn’t want to be with me bcz i was just very different from him also because he just dont see himself with me. during this time he still sends me pictures with quotes that say i should forget him, he tells me im a nice good girl… and today for valentines he told me he cared for me but that he didnt love me that his love changed for me and that he didnt feel that passion for me to want me. we had 4 years, i really love him i just dont know whats the correct way to just get him back, yes i made mistakes but im willing to change that i got too carried away with the stress of my job. I just dont understand how someone can just stop loving you just like that! WHAT SHOULD I DO?
admin
February 15, 2014 at 6:09 pm
Are you up for trying the no contact rule.
Ashley
February 13, 2014 at 11:51 pm
My boyfriend of 7 years decided to break up with me almost two weeks ago because he was feeling as if we weren’t as happy in our relationship and that we were having doubts about our future together. I was wondering why he would break up with me all of a sudden and through a text message after we have been together so long so I decided to check his phone records to see if he had possibly been cheating on me and I did find that he was talking to another girl or two for a whole month before he broke up with me.
I am devastated and find it so hard to make it through each day. I keep telling myself I want him back so badly because I know he truly does make me happy but I feel it is wrong to want him back or be with him because he has lied to me several times. I literally hold on to my phone everyday hoping he would text me but he just doesn’t. I also found out that he has been talking to other girls as soon as we broke up. I am beginning to think that he really doesn’t want me anymore. I feel so helpless because I know in my heart we could really make it work but I feel as if he doesn’t want to. I do not want to force him or beg him to be with me because I know it shouldn’t be that way.
I know I should wait for him to call/text me but each day that passes I am just trying to build and renew myself. I feel if I wait for him to text me I will just crash and burn again. I know this is going to take so much time to get over and it’s only been about 2 weeks but should I tell him how I feel or is it best to just let him go since he is showing no signs or efforts of wanting me back?
Thanks for the article. It was pretty helpful!
itzel
February 15, 2014 at 7:41 pm
hi Ashley, well im sorry to hear that your bf broke up with you. I been there. After 4 years of living together with my ex he breaks up with me. I understand exactly what you are feeling. Different emotions running through your mind daily. To be quite honest I suggest you don’t reach out to him. Men get bored, sadly my father told me this to comfort my pain. Its been a year and a half after our break up and to this day i miss him. I know he was my soul mate, even thou that doesn’t mean we should be together. He is about to celebrate a year anniversary with his new gf in two days (don’t ask how i know that) and honestly i couldn’t be any happier for him. To me, love is giving up on your happiness to see the person you love happy, even if that means seeing them happy with someone else. Its been a rough year but honestly it gets better. I promise. Work on yourself and keep yourself busy. Little by little you will find happiness with yourself
Rebeka
February 13, 2014 at 8:27 pm
Me and my best friend have never been official because he was never ready, but we always been super close and acted like a couple. from vacations together with my family and concerts and so on and so on. we fell in love with each other but we didn’t want to become official because we are only 20 and not ready to be with someone for the rest of our lives.Almost with each other everyday until recently he met someone and he really liked her and he didn’t want to lose me or hurt me. But it was something new for him, a new experience but they would always be fighting because she was paranoid about me being in his life because she saw how we would talk to each other. and then recently its been a month of them fighting even though he thought they could of been happy and still had me because i told I’m his best friend first. but today it didn’t work out with them because people have been harassing and yelling at him and her and me because they still saw me and him together. but its stopped and this has taken a toll on him where he is no longer happy with me or her because it reminds him of hurt. so he completey dropped her and me but we cried and cried and i talked to him that it turned into us not talking for awhile. for him to be on his own and not be worried about people coming in and ruining stuff for him. he said he has completely dropped his emotions, and told me to be happy and focus on me and not to worry about him. even though this isn’t forever that he just needs time.. i still have hope that we can go back to how we were before happy. to put this all behind us because we never fought before until now. should i stop hoping for him?
admin
February 14, 2014 at 3:30 am
So, he’s a commitment phobe b/c he won’t commit… That seems to be the problem here.
Rebeka
February 13, 2014 at 8:29 pm
he has never hurt me before and his always been there for me until this moment. he said both parts of his hearts were ripped out after it ended with the other girl and when he asked me to give him time. I’ve been with him for three years the best times of my life, never been upset in those years.
corey
February 13, 2014 at 3:19 pm
Hi my ex and i were together for a little over a year but took a 2 month break. Before we broke up the first time he would randomly become very distant and cold and tell me his feelings had changed. When we broke up for 2 months the nc rule helped a lot and he ended up after a birthday text in my end telling me he missed me and wanted to see me. After about a month if hanging out without being too emotional he wanted to be back in a relationship. I wasnt ready but finally agreed and things were better than they’ve ever been. He developed a bond with my son and we started taking financial classes together and talking about marriage etc. Last week we had three major fights back to back one of them being about a girl he was texting about our problems that he has been hooking up with for years.that was the last one he told he was starting to feel how he used to as far as lack of feelings and I needed to go home I got all my stuff out of his house and left. I called him the day after and he didn’t want to talk to me. I now work for him and his dad so the no contact rule is really hard. Is there any hope for this relationship? There’s no work the next few days because we are snowed in I’m so miserable
admin
February 14, 2014 at 3:21 am
Ya doing Limited contact is going to be important for you.
Emily
February 13, 2014 at 6:46 am
Hi Chris! I effectively pushed through the NC period and I’m very level headed now. Much calmer. My ex started reaching out to me. Casually asking me how I am. I didn’t sound to enthusiastic and I initiate much less than he does.
This new thing started though. He hangs out with a girl all the time. And when I’m around he always moved closer or puts his arm around her and all that. Everyone notices these changes and my friends tell me he’s just getting my attention.. I pretend I don’t really care and go about with what I have to do.
A week later he suddenly asks me if I’m bothered by them. He wouldn’t ask me that if there as something going on. And it sounds like such a stupid move anyway I find it hard to read this. It’s been confirmed by everyone that there isn’t anything sincere going on. I know deep down he doesn’t like he much either. But I’m thinking what’s going on because he does get physical with her when I see them.
What’s going on? If he does want me back why doesn’t he instead of playing all these games?
He broke up with me about 4 months ago btw
admin
February 14, 2014 at 3:09 am
Do you know if he is officially dating her?
Emily
February 14, 2014 at 7:15 pm
As of yet it’s confirmed he’s not dating her. But they are close friends and have been even before the break up. It’s just the sudden new way of being around her that’s caught me off guard. And everyone says it’s only when I’m around. Otherwise it’s more or less normal
jen
February 13, 2014 at 4:56 am
hi there,
my boyfriend and I dated for 2 years about a month ago I told him I need a week space because he was too into his car and work and I just needed a break. I went to the movies with this guy from work and lied about it. nothing physical happened but he found out on Friday and broke up with me said he never wants to be with me again and he could never trust me. then sunday I seen him he called me babe and kissed my hand. I seen him Monday and sang him our song, he told me still loved me but needs time and space. we had a passionate kiss and hugged for a while. now he wont talk to me and it is really hard to be stuck in limbo. do you think I have a chance at his forgiveness and should I fight for him? I am so in love with him and I would do anything to get him back. what do I do?
jen
February 14, 2014 at 5:49 am
not sure if you got my post
Heartbroken
February 13, 2014 at 4:19 am
Okay I love your website:) I need help.
Me and this guy dated for a year and on our one year anniversary his bestfriend of 12 years kissed me. This was back in july of 2013 but we were in love and I cant stop thinking about him. I know he still cares about me he has told me. but he is dating this new girl (as of 3 months now) and he lied to her about what all happened between me and him so they hit a rough patch and she says she forgave him but she always tweets about how she cant do “this” anymore. but anyways. I want him to miss me I haven’t talked to him in 2 and a half months…yet I cry everynight over him. If you were him and you loved a girl and your bestfriend kissed her would you ever take her back? do I have a chance?
admin
February 14, 2014 at 3:04 am
Did you let him kiss you?
Heartbroken
February 16, 2014 at 8:03 am
No. I had no idea he was going to kiss me. He just grabbed me and did it.
admin
February 16, 2014 at 6:27 pm
Did you shove him off after that? And tell him “what are you doing?”
Ei
February 13, 2014 at 2:16 am
Hello,
I met this guy last 2 months ago and we started dating after 1 week. We had sexual relationship after 3 dates and slept over at his place. Things are getting well, we had many dinner dates and also visit around during the day. When he’s off from work, he text me to see. But, He didn’t hold my hand or never put his hand on my shoulder. I felt that he avoid the behaviors of boy friend. I slept over at his place for 3-4 times. After over 1 month, he said that he is not serious into relationship as he has no plan to go further but he still want to seeing with me. We had a fight that night, and we didn’t meet for 1 week. We met again last week as he texted me and wanted to meet, then, i spent a night at his room. But, I feel that although he is so much fun and happy when we meet in person, the way of his text messages are so short and bad… such as “off today”, “if you want to visit me, please come” and so on. I feel that he make a booty call. So that, last week, I have decided to break up with him if he cannot stay as real relationship with me. Then, I told him that I’ll stop seeing him because I
would only happy in the real relationship, but, he said “see you soon”.
He gave me the mixed signals! I am confused about his mind. He didn’t text me since then, and now already 5 days. I am now in the practice of No contact rule to make him miss me to commit into relationship. If he won’t come back after 1 month NCR, I’ll move on.
P.S. I never started text him to date or never call him. I gave him a chance to put an effort to meet me.
Hoping to get your reply soon.
admin
February 14, 2014 at 3:02 am
Did he say you two were official? At any point?
Ei
February 14, 2014 at 1:02 pm
Hi Chris,
Thanks for your reply.
He never say that we were official.
He even seemed forcing himself not to act as couple.
Last night, I received a text from him that
“any suggestion for a dinner?” first time text from him after 6 days of No Contact.
But, I didn’t reply his text as I’m into NCR.
Thanks for your reply.