Lately it seems there is a lot of confusion on Ex Boyfriend Recovery when it comes to reaching out to your ex.
Some women think that the best way is through sending a text like this,
While others think a phone call is the way to go.
Oh, and let us not forget the poor women who show up on their exes doorstep like this,
Hey, no judging, we have all been there.
But the question remains,
Is there a preferred way to reach out to an ex?
Well, I suppose it all depends on what you ultimately want.
Every time I take on a new client or do a new interview with a student the very first thing I ask them is,
What is it that you ultimately want to achieve when it comes to romantic relationships in life?
And it never ceases to amaze me on how most of the time women can’t answer that one simple question.
Usually they will ask me to clarify or give them an example.
Example = I want to meet the man of my dreams and get married.
Now, it may seem really strange that I ask that question but it’s really not.
Knowing the end goal helps me tailor a game plan that is suited towards achieving that “dream scenario” that they gave in their answer.
And I am going to use that same method on you right now.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhat Is The End Goal That You Have In Your Mind Around Your Ex
I am going to simplify this for you since I know most of the women reading this website are going to fall into one of two categories,
- Do you want to get back into a relationship with your ex?
- Do you just want to move on from your ex?
Because how you reach out to your ex is going to ride on which category you ultimately choose.
Actually….
I am going to level with you.
All that I am going to cover in this article is how to reach out to your ex if you want to get back into a relationship with him.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhy?
Well, because if you really want to get over your ex then you probably shouldn’t be reaching out to him.
I know…
I know…
The masses are screaming,
But Chris… I still want to be friends with my ex. What am I supposed to do then?
Well, I want you to consider something before you put all your stock into being friends with your ex.
Not a lot of people know this but studies have shown that the part of the brain that becomes active when someone is going through a breakup is the same part that becomes active when a cocaine addict is going through a withdrawal.
Now, what is it that an addict will often do when they are going through withdrawal?
Well, you’ll find that they’ll often do anything to get a high.
And with a breakup “getting high” is the equivalent to engage in your addiction with your ex again. So, it is best to limit yourself if you determine that you simply want to move on.
It is also why from this point on I am only going to focus this article on how to reach out to your ex boyfriend if you are trying to get him back.
Are you ready?
How To Reach Out To Your Ex If You Are Trying To Get Him Back
Are you familiar with the concept of a value ladder?
It’s something that most businesses use to try to maximize profits. It looks something like this,
The basic principle behind a value ladder is that once a customer buys something from you, you should offer them something else of value and repeat the process until they won’t buy anything from you again.
Lets use McDonalds as an example and say you go there to buy a burger and only a burger.
So, you get to the drive through window and order your burger (YUM.) But what is it that they ask you next?
Umm.. mam would you like to order our world famous fries for a dollar more?
Oh, and they don’t stop there.
After you add on the fries the next thing on their value ladder is a soft drink.
So, even though you initially went to McDonalds for a burger they ended up squeezing some extra dollars out of you by moving you up their value ladder.
So, you get the basic concept, right?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWell, what if I told you that you could create your own value ladder for your ex boyfriend.
Something that looks like this,
Notice that as you move your ex slowly up this ladder you are providing more value to him which in turn will make you more valuable to him.
But I also want you to take note of the fact that there are ultimately only ever two mediums where you should reach out to your ex.
(Remember, this article is only about reaching out to your ex. If you want more advice on talking to him I suggest you go here.)
Those two mediums are,
Texting
&
Phone Calls
Now, I structured this value ladder in this way very specifically to ensure that you aren’t freaking your ex out by coming on strong too soon.
What I’d like to do now is zone in on these two methods of “reaching out” so that I can explain them in greater detail.
The Right Way To Reach Out Via Text Messages
So, before I get into the nitty gritty of texting an ex I do want to talk a little bit about the value chain above.
You may have noticed that there is one important step that occurs before you “text” your ex boyfriend,
The no contact rule must occur before you even think about reaching out to your ex.
Why?
Because my team and I have found that over 70% of our success stories have utilized it in some way, shape or form.
In other words, the no contact rule is the foundation of which a successful “ex back” strategy is built on.
Without it the entire value ladder crumbles.
With it, it thrives.
So, you can kiss “reaching out” to your ex goodbye if you haven’t successfully completed it.
But let’s assume that you have completed it.
What then?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWell, then it is time to focus on texting your ex.
Now, I don’t know if you are aware of this but I work with hundreds of individuals trying to get their exes back every single day through my Private Support Group and one of the most prevalent questions I get there is,
What do I say in a text to my ex if I am reaching out to him?
Ultimately, I have found that a great “reach out” text to an ex consists of three main things.
- A Pattern Interrupt
- A Hook
- Story
Consider for a moment the end goal of reaching out to your ex via text.
You aren’t doing it simply to reach out, are you?
No, you are doing it because you want him to respond to you.
More than that, you want him to respond to you in a positive way.
So, you have to stack the odds in your favor any way you can and to date the most effective text messages that achieve that goal all have these three commonalities.
Let’s pick each one apart!
Component One: A Pattern Interrupt
What is a pattern interrupt?
Well, it’s not rocket science, I assure you.
It’s something that catches your exes attention instantly.
It can be something as simple as an “action phrase” like,
- Oh my god…
- You won’t believe what I just saw…
- I have a crazy story to tell you…
Or something as complex as a picture in a text like this,
Ultimately the end goal is to make your ex do a double take on his own phone.
Got it?
Good!
Component Two: A Hook
This is where things tend to get more complicated.
If your end goal by reaching out to your ex is to get him to respond then you are going to need a hook.
It’s basically something that makes your ex go,
“I can’t NOT respond to her.”
I find a lot of women struggle with coming up with a hook because they have no idea on how to hook a man in.
Well, that is what I am here for.
There is a trick to coming up with your hook, you see.
It all has to do with you utilizing your knowledge about his interests.
Every man has one thing that he fanboys out over,
It is your job to find that thing and use it as a hook to get him to respond.
For example, everyone knows that if you talk about Buffy The Vampire Slayer to me I will literally giggle and turn into a sixteen year old girl (even though I am about to turn 28 and I am a male….)
I mean seriously, I have put Buffy references all throughout this website (if you look hard enough.)
All you need to do is find your exes “Buffy.”
Get it?
Got it?
Good!
Component Three: Story
What I am about to say here isn’t revolutionary but human beings love being told stories.
So, condense one and tell it to your ex through text.
It’s that simple!
…..
…..
Ok, maybe it’s not that simple.
The best stories will find a way to incorporate the pattern interrupt and hook into them.
I’ll give you an example.
Take the funny text message example I showed you above.
What if you were to pair that with,
All of a sudden the action phrase, the hook and the story are combined into one.
Now, isn’t this a text that you would want to respond to?
Yep!
Reaching Out Via Phone Calls
Let’s move on to our final “reach out” method here, phone calls.
Now, when I say phone calls I am also including video chat software such as,
- Skype
- FaceTime
- And any others you can think of
I find that most of the women I work with don’t have a problem reaching out via phone calls. Instead, most of their issues lie with making sure the conversation extends.
For example, a lot of the women I work with get on the phone and have nothing of value to say.
Now, the reason this is a huge problem is because when you have nothing of value to say you get caught up in these awkward silences and they can be… well, awkward,
Once my team and I learned that so many women were having this problem we went on the offensive and started providing our clients with scripts of what to say on the phone calls.
The problem with that was most women can’t think quickly on their feet and so much of stimulating phone call conversations is bred in not seeming scripted so we quickly decided to change our game plan and instead started suggesting to our clients to enter the conversation with awkward silence fillers.
Go into the phone call with four or five stories written down that you can tell in the case of an awkward silence.
This way it seems like you are always contributing to the conversation in a very positive way.
Now, I don’t want to seem repetitive here but if you are going to tell your ex a story make sure it has the three components that we talked about above,
- The pattern interrupt (action phrase)
- The hook (based on your knowledge of what your ex likes)
- The story (a great story to back everything you say up)
Remember, you don’t have to have it scripted word for word but it does help to write some of this down so you can go into the phone call seeming as natural as possible in an unnatural situation.
Get it?
Got it?
Good!
If you have any more questions about reaching out don’t be afraid to use the comments section below!
K
June 22, 2021 at 4:28 am
It’s been about 6 years since I last spoke to my ex. I’m not even sure if we’re even exes, idk if I was just a fling or what but I’d like to reach back out to him and idk what the proper way to do it is. He’s a professional athlete and I have deleted his contact so the only way I can contact him is via his sister on Instagram who’ve I’ve never met, Bc he does not have social media. To me this seems a bit stalkerish but I also feel like we have unfinished business. In between the 6 years of no contact I was married and divorced and he’s always been on my mind. Even my mom had a dream that we had children together. I could be completely off base but I also could be missing out on the love of my life. Miscommunication can be a devil. I’m not sure if I should send a casual message to his sister I’ve never met or just let it go… advice please!
Ana
August 29, 2019 at 8:26 pm
He broke up with me 3 and a half months ago after we had been together for nearly 2 years and we haven’t spoken at all in the last 6 weeks. The last we talked, he said he wanted to try and be friends, but he was worried about my expectations and giving me false hope. I think I managed to soothe those worries. He said he would reach out when he was ready to fully move past that, but I know he is conflict avoidant and instead of dealing with it, there is a good chance he’s just trying to not think about those negative feelings. I want to reach out, but I feel like he might just respond vaguely and disengage quickly. I want to start trying to get him back, but how can I do that if he won’t reach out? Should I just keep waiting?
Skye
April 6, 2019 at 11:03 pm
I was with my bf for over a year and overall it was really good. But we broke up once before a few months in. I dumped him because he was showing signs of possessiveess. We got back together after a month when he changed his tune and, after a week of him pestering me and a week of silence, we talked about our relationship a lot.
This time he dumped me after a week of arguing because I was being controlling and he felt like I wasn’t listening. It feels like the same situation as before but reversed and the time apart gives me time to work on things I’ve neglected while with him. Im working on my own issues and i dont intend to get back together just yet. But it’s been 3 days and he sends me daily messages. When he left I asked him to keep talking to me but he hasn’t sent anything more than a Snapchat that he sends to all his friends. But last night he sent me drunk messages at a party saying that he still cared about me and was still hurt. He said he wasnt mad at me or anything like that. But he’s been avoiding me in person. He pretends he doesn’t see me and his friend told me he’s been trying to avoid everything. I don’t know if initiating NC will be good tho. I need the space for now but I’m afraid that he’ll instead take it as a rejection from me and start to move on. What do I do? Should I initiate NC anyway or keep the minimal contact so I still get space without taking advantage of his vulnerabilities?
Bea
April 6, 2019 at 10:44 pm
Hi, my bf and I were together for over a year with talks of marriage years later. We were planning our life after college together when we had an argument about how I had been treating him. He left me after a week of arguing saying he felt like I wasn’t listening. It’s been 3 days and he’s kept contact with me through Snapchat which I know means a lot to him. Last night he sent me drunk messages asking if I was alright and how he wasn’t mad at me just hurt and he still cared about me. But he’s been avoiding me in person. I’m not sure how to initiate NC without pushing him away completely. I’ve been focusing all my other time on moving into my new room and taking care of some things I neglected when we were together. I think having space is a good idea right now but I’m not sure if having NC will push him away for good. Should I do it anyway?
mariel
January 24, 2019 at 1:16 am
Hi there,
My ex & I broke up 3 months ago. We were together for 4 years. He said he felt like the relationship became dry because our communication was decreasing. Throughout the relationship, we always talked about getting married. I begged him to stay and that we can work on it. I went over to his house the next day and tried to see if we can keep trying, to which he promised we could. That week he did not initiate communication so I had to break it off.
We saw each other 3 weeks after that because I had to pick up my car at his house, & we began flirting and he said he felt like it was just like before in a good way! He wanted to take baby steps & said he needs to figure some things out. He invited me out for coffee & we met up a week after. It went well, & I kept it brief. Although, I still had feelings of anger that I had to let out because I felt like he wasn’t initiating much conversation through text. I told him off about 7 weeks ago. He said he is not forcing himself to hang out with me (something I was worried about). He is still saying he needs to figure things out. Should I reach out to him to cool the waters? I want to rebuild & start fresh with him.
Chris Seiter
January 24, 2019 at 4:13 pm
Hi Mariel!
4 years is a solid amount of time together and that kind of traction can benefit you in the future as people tend to come back into each other’s orbit when they have been together a good amount of time. Sounds like some time and space apart might be the best medicine. Consider reading up on No Contact on my site.
Sara
November 18, 2018 at 5:29 pm
Hi some advice please. My boyfriend finished with me after 3 years as he wanted to be single. He has hooked up pretty quickly to someone whom he says is company for him as he misses me. We have the same friendship group. I have had no contact for over a week but he ended up at the same party. The night before this I was out and he constantly called me to talk to me but I ignored him. He is quite insecure and has all these thoughts about me being with someone else.At the party he couldn’t leave me alone, trying to kiss me. We had a long chat where he told me he misses me so much and realises he doesn’t want to be single. He asked me to stay over and I said no. I told him to contact me when he was sober to talk over things. I also told him I would not be with him one day and for him to be with someone else the next. He just arrived at my house to give me back some money he borrowed and has said everything he said is genuine. He can’t stop looking at our old pictures and messages and misses me so much. But that was it. He didn’t say I want you back, or I’m sorry let’s start again. Should I begin texting him to encourage him to communicate or keep the no contact on? I’m scared of being rejected again as I feel as though I am quite confident now and dont want to get hurt again
Chris Seiter
November 18, 2018 at 7:25 pm
Hi Sarah!
I think you can get more mileage out of NC
Giselle
December 27, 2017 at 2:32 am
Hey,
I am brainstorming my first contact message now. I was in a sports store today and saw some merchandise from this very random football team that he loves. He’s from the middle of no where so it was kind of surprising to see their stuff in a store in my state. Anyway I was thinking for my first message I could take a quick little pic of the merchandise and say: Stumbled upon this in a store the other day and I couldn’t not show you. There may be some hidden fans of your team in my state! (Note: I’d say his actual team name and my state name). What do we think?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 28, 2017 at 1:18 pm
Hi Giselle,
Yup, you can try that!
Nilüfer
August 29, 2017 at 2:20 am
Hey Chris,
I am from Turkey and have been reading your articles. I like all of them.
My story is like that:
My bf left me becuz of any reasons. And we worked at the same place for 5 days we broke up. I didn’t know about nc rule so i made bad everything,i guess. On 18th August i wrote that i really miss him. And he said he won’t be back. But despite of his words i am doing nc rule and focusing on myself and many people say i got more beautiful and they say good comments to me. But he doesn’t write to me,maybe he found another.
So should i continue nc rule?
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 31, 2017 at 8:49 am
Hi Nilufer,
It’s not a guarantee that it will work, it will only help increase your chances.. The nc rule is for you to be less emotional and more rational and to have a restart and to start a new routine in your life that is open to the poasibility of not getting him back
Angela
July 27, 2017 at 11:14 pm
I broke up with my ex a few weeks ago. He said it was for reasons at home which he did not want to say. And I tried to reach out to him yesterday. At first he was ok. After awhile he started talking about his issues. And I started to blame him for not telling me earlier. For not letting me be around when he was in a difficult time. Now he wouldn’t reply anymore. I think I screwed it.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 30, 2017 at 7:41 pm
Hi Angela,
You broke up or he broke up with you? How are you now?
Alisia
June 23, 2017 at 7:25 am
Im in a bad situation,was in a Friends with benefit situation with a childhood friend,he fell in love with me when we got physical.We are childhood friends and we met each other after 5 years or so and i was emotinally down cause i was having a hard time moving over my ex and he helped me.He literally got me through it all.But i wasnt ready to return his love at that moment cause i thoguth it would be a rebound,wanted to give him my pure emotions and love.We stayed in a FWB for 1.5 years and then he suddenly went through some persona struggles.(he failed in college,got to repeat his final year,his granddad whom hes really close to was taken ill,his mom gave him an ultimatum to leave the house in 5 years and make a life for himself)I had already fell in love with him somewhere down the line,just didnt realise it till the moment he said he was going to leave our “pseudo relationship” cause he needed to sort life out.He blocked me everywhere,doesnt take calls/texts.Literally no contact.I love him and want him back,pls help..the last we spoke he was confused about whether he loved me or not.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 23, 2017 at 9:33 pm
Hi Alisia,
check this one:
EBR 006: How To Turn Friends With Benefits Into A Relationship
Bella
June 15, 2017 at 10:31 am
14 days into no contact, I saw my ex boyfriend on the bus. I looked away, to show him that I was not there on purpose (I had begged for him not to break up). I wanted to make him understand that I am no longer in this desperate mindset. Is the NC ruined now and do I need to start over the NC? (we never talked, just had eye contact). I was planning to write to him on day 21 or 30.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 17, 2017 at 7:05 am
nope.. you just have to continue the count.
Lina
May 30, 2017 at 5:02 pm
After short period of time,we broke up last year. I did the NC but nothing happened.After breakup we had been together few times,we never slept together just kissing and once make out. Each time he never call or text me. We just don’t communicate. And I feel like he doesn’t care. It’s very sad. Can you please tell me or suggest what should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 30, 2017 at 7:46 pm
well, it’s not a guarantee that it will work but what did you mean that it doesnt work? how many times have you done it?
Deidre S
May 25, 2017 at 3:24 am
my long distance boyfriend of two years just broke two weeks ago He sent me a text saying he was seeing someone local and I should do the same. But I know his recent past and maybe we will see each other again if i am available and willing. Please feel free to text me whenever you want to.. I will always consider you a very special friend. I am so sorry I let you down.” After some heated texts and conversations, the last text i sent him was that I wanted my dog and would let him know if I am able to keep him. I have not contacted him since and it has been about a week. I plan on doing the no contact rule but I am not sure what to do after that or what to say. I believe he is seeing this woman though he said to me he wasnt attracted to her but there were qualities he liked about her. He blocked me on facebook (so did she, though I have never contacted her) and IMO. I believe he did not block me on his cell. Being long distance what can I do if there is anything I can do to try to get him back?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 27, 2017 at 2:15 pm
check this one:
EBR 015: How To Get A Long Distance Boyfriend Back If He Has A New Girlfriend
Andrea
May 22, 2017 at 2:14 am
hi ,i have a question what if your ex contacts you during the no contact period and asks what would change if we were to get back together?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 24, 2017 at 1:25 pm
It depends on the reason why you broke up.. but generally I wouldn’t reply to that because he’s not asking to get back together. He’s just asking what would change..
Ally
May 21, 2017 at 5:22 am
Hi. My bf on and off of two years got into a huge argument where things got intense emotionally esp. on my end. Pretty much there was an insensitive drunken prank played by one of his friends where the friend used my bf’s phone to send me a text saying: “I love you. But I never said I wanted you with all the weight/fat”. I read this not knowing it was the friend. The next day my bf tells me it wasn’t him but the drunk friend who sent it without him knowing and they got into a heated argument when my bf found out. When I called to discuss it I was obviously really upset my bf was sorry it happened but insisted that I calm down and let it go because he already confronted the friend. But I really felt an apology from the friend was needed but he didn’t push for one. That made me really angry like he disregarded the hurt or offensiveness of what was said. So in the heat of the moment I said let me go and hung up the phone and neither one of us called back.
The next morning i felt horrible about how the convo went and realized how I hung up could’ve been misinterpreted as a breakup. I text him good morning like always and apologized about how I hung up. And he texted back that he was letting go and after everything was said and done he didn’t want to move forward with the relationship. I called and called and he refused to answer. Pretty much just turned ice cold towards me. It’s been weeks now and still no contact.
Before all of this we were normal things were good and there weren’t any signs of him not being into us for him to totally disconnect like this. We really loved each other. I feel like if we’d just talk there could be a resolve.
How do I fix it? Or do I just let him go even tho it hurts. I just feel like it was all just a sloppy misunderstanding and nothing would’ve happened if the drunk text was never sent in the first place. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 22, 2017 at 7:26 pm
it looks like he’s just emotional.. give it a week before talking to him again
Ivy
May 21, 2017 at 5:05 am
Hi. My bf on and off of two years got into a huge argument where things got intense emotionally esp. on my end. Pretty much there was an insensitive drunken prank played by one of his friends where the friend used my bf’s phone to send me a text saying: “I love you. But I never said I wanted you with all the weight/fat”. I read this not knowing it was the friend. The next day my bf tells me it wasn’t him but the drunk friend who sent it without him knowing and they got into a heated argument when my bf found out. When I called to discuss it I was obviously really upset my bf was sorry it happened but insisted that I calm down and let it go because he already confronted the friend. But I really felt an apology from the friend was needed but he didn’t push for one. That made me really angry like he disregarded the hurt or offensiveness of what was said. So in the heat of the moment I said let me go and hung up the phone and neither one of us called back.
The next morning i felt horrible about how the convo went and realized how I hung up could’ve been misinterpreted as a breakup. I text him good morning like always and apologized about how I hung up. And he texted back that he was letting go and after everything was said and done he didn’t want to move forward with the relationship. I called and called and he refused to answer. Pretty much just turned ice cold towards me. It’s been weeks now and still no contact.
Before all of this we were normal things were good and there weren’t any signs of him not being into us for him to totally disconnect like this. We really loved each other. I feel like if we’d just talk there could be a resolve.
How do I fix it? Or do I just let him go even tho it hurts. I just feel like it was all just a sloppy misunderstanding and nothing would’ve happened if the drunk text was never sent in the first place. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 22, 2017 at 7:27 pm
it looks like he’s just emotional.. give it a week before talking to him again
Ilse
May 17, 2017 at 11:26 am
Hi,
How do I respond to my man when he’s under stress? If I call him, he would be in a testy mood. If i dont, I’m not being caring.
Thanks.
Ilse
May 22, 2017 at 12:56 pm
I dunno how to reach out to him. Its like he’s going into his cave time. How do I address him that I’m there for him? He didn’t say that I’m not caring. But I think that I’m not caring for his situation.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 24, 2017 at 1:50 pm
dont assume.. just be caring.. you need to have more conversations to build rapport… because being “caring” when you dont have connection is weird
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 19, 2017 at 7:45 pm
Does he say you’re not being caring or you’re the only one thinking you’re not being caring?
Harpija
May 15, 2017 at 10:19 pm
my case is totally crazy. So everything from the beginning. September 2015 I met my ex in Finland. October 2015 we started to live together till the end of the year. January 2016 we returned to our countries and started long distance relationship till July 2015 when I came to live in his country, but in another, city because of Job. January 2017 he said that he needs time to be alone. It was a difficult month, we fought a lot. February 2017 he broke up with me. Reason: “I don’t think that I love you.” For one week, I beg him, asked him why and so on. Then in two weeks, we met and he gave me my stuff. During that meeting, we were acting as friends. After that, we never met or texted about our relationship, just stupid and funny stuff as friends, but with pauses like two or three weeks, because I couldn’t implement “No Contact”. In the end of April we already had a bit more contact, he was asking about my future plans, how is going in the language courses and so on. On 25th of April, I decided that I can’t just be friends with him and applied “No Contact” till today. He reached me 3 times with “hey what I found” and “They didn’t take me” and “How’s going”, but I didn’t answer. All this time from the middle of February I was posting on a social media photos from my travels, parties, workouts… he “liked” almost all of them. I was smiling, joking when we were still texting or talking by phone. Now I don’t know what to do, the NC will end quite soon, but I’m afraid that I will fail after it. Do you think I still have chances?
I miss him a lot and dating with others was not so much fun either. I feel as getting back to desperate phase.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 17, 2017 at 5:47 pm
aside from the advice above, check this one too:
EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message
August
May 11, 2017 at 4:10 am
Thanks for a great article Chris!!
Charlene
May 11, 2017 at 2:54 am
This makes sooo much sense and it actually works! The hard part sometimes is finding his “Buffy”.