This is a comprehensive guide on how to recover from a breakup.

This website has gained a lot of popularity based on our numerous success stories in helping couples get back together but one thing that often gets lost is our expertise on helping people simply get their lives back on track after a breakup.

I’ve come up with five simple strategies (including some advanced ones I’ve never shared anywhere before) that you can use to help with your recovery.

Let’s dive right in.

1. Use The No Contact Rule For Self Growth
2. The Stoic Philosophy Mentality
3. Know Thy Attachment Style
4. Understand The Difference Between Codependent Intimacy Vs. Authentic Intimacy
5. Adopt Secure Attachment Behaviors

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Strategy #1: Use The No Contact Rule For Self Growth

You’re probably familiar with the no contact rule but I guarantee you that you aren’t familiar with our way of implementing no contact.

Most people automatically assume that the no contact rule is this strategy that you should only be using if you want to get your ex back but that’s not actually true. The problem with looking at it this way is that it gets you away from the real point of no contact, self growth.

Here’s how we define no contact,

The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you

The key point to our version of no contact is that we like to advise our clients to spend all of their time on outgrowing their ex. There’s a ton of benefits for why we think they should do this but perhaps this video I filmed last year sums it up best,

By spending the time away from your ex focused on yourself it helps take them off that pedestal and allows you to find a purpose greater than them that is worthy of your time.

So, no matter what your goal is,

1. Whether it’s to attempt to get your ex back
2. To try to move on from your ex

We think the smartest first step should always be to implement a no contact rule. Too often we find people get wrapped up in the post breakup behaviors of their ex and focus all of their time, effort and energy into trying to understand what’s going on in their exes head.

What ultimately matters is what you do with that time for yourself. The no contact rule (assuming you are serious about it) kind of forces you to find other things to spend time on. Of course, this leads seamlessly to the next strategy I’m going to recommend to you.

Strategy #2: The Stoic Philosophy Mentality

People always think I’m recommending “life altering” things to them when I teach them about the simple basics of,

Only focusing on what you can control.

The truth is that this is a mentality that I stole from the ancient stoics.

Stoic Philosophy: Takes the position that the wise male or female is a person who lives in accordance with nature. The only fear this person has is abdicating their moral responsibility. They are not afraid of pain, they are not afraid of death, they aren’t even afraid of poverty. The only true fear of a stoic is that they let themselves down. That they don’t do their best work. That they are less than a complete human being. Ultimately the only thing of concern to the stoic are the things completely under their control. Everything outside of their control isn’t worth getting worked up about.

This philosophy is exactly what I try to instill within each and every of my clients.

Especially when it comes to breakups. Relationships by nature are characterized by a coordination of two individuals. Yet I often see people wasting time during their no contact periods focused on things that are completely outside their control.

You can’t control how your ex thinks.

You can’t control how they act.

And yet I find that the vast majority of the people in our private facebook support group have their days completely ruined because they get worked up over things that are completely out of their control.

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Case in point, this was posted today.

A stoic would read that and say,

“Why are you getting upset? That energy is wasted on your ex. Instead let’s focus on you.”

And they are right.

Of course, there is a reason why many of our readers end up hyper focusing on their exes actions during a breakup. It’s within their attachment styles.

Strategy #3: Know Thy Attachment Style

Since we are on this kick lately of approaching this breakup with a stoic mentality let’s take a look at the basic concept of attachment styles.

Yesterday I posted an article on this website specifically focused on why fearful avoidant exes pull away. It was essentially a summary of an interview I conducted with one of the Ex Recovery Coaches, Tyler Ramsey.

Tyler is an expert on many things but perhaps his best claim to fame is he really hyper focuses on attachment styles,

Anyways, I thought Tyler gave an excellent summary in the article from yesterday defining attachment styles.

Generally speaking there are four main ones,

1. Secure Attachment Style: This person is comfortable with intimacy and autonomy in their relationships. It should always be the north star for everyone.
2. Anxious Attachment Style: This person typically requires a lot of attention and affection. They really like to feel close to their partners, it’s not uncommon for them to want to spend every single day with them. The core wound of them is that they have a fear of abandonment and being alone and so that’s what usually triggers their anxious behaviors in relationships.
3. Avoidant Attachment Style: They are a person that does not like a lot of emotional intimacy or vulnerability within a relationship. They typically revert a conversation back to someone else to talk about themselves to avoid the spotlight. Often that’s how you’ll figure out if they’re avoidant or not. Ultimately they are afraid of having a deeper emotional connection and it all can stem from their experience in childhood. They’ve learned that any time they are vulnerable, it can be used against them and therefore they don’t rely on other people.
4. Fearful Attachment Style: It’s always best to think of a fearful avoidant as having a combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment behaviors.

We know from researching that most of the people who go online looking for help on “getting an ex back” or “recovering from a breakup” tend to have more anxious leanings. In other words, they tend to be really codependent in relationships.

Strategy #4: Understand The Difference Between Codependent Intimacy Vs. Authentic Intimacy

In our private facebook group my wife posted this really interesting “viral post” going around and I thought it had a lot of correlation to the attachment style theory above,

Essentially the gist of the post is about putting codependent actions up against authentic intimacy.

So, here’s a few examples,

Codependency: If you’re not “ok” then I’m not going to be ok.

Vs.

Authentic Intimacy: You are allowed to experience whatever you are experiencing. You are your own person.

Here’s another great one,

Codependency: I’m going to blame you or shame you because you’re not doing what I want you to do.

Vs.

Authentic Intimacy: I accept you as you are but I will have standards for how I’m spoken to.

My favorite one though has to be,

Codependency: I’m going to be the one to fix all of your issues. In fact, this is how I get my entire worth.

Vs.

Authentic Intimacy: I am already worthy. I’m not here to be my partners mother or therapist.

The reason I even mention it here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is because I see a lot of correlation between this concept and attachment styles. In fact, if you reframe the way you read the codependent intimacy vs authentic intimacy as anxious vs. secure it makes a lot of sense.

Let’s use the last example above to illustrate this point.

Codependency: I’m going to be the one to fix all of your issues. In fact, this is how I get my entire worth.

Anxious Attachment: My entire being is wrapped up in relationships and if there’s a problem I need to fix it.

Vs.

Authentic Intimacy: I am already worthy. I’m not here to be my partners mother or therapist.

Secure attachment: My entire being is wrapped up in myself. I don’t need a relationship to make me happy. 

So, simply looking at your relationship in these terms can help you recognize what you need to work on during the no contact rule. Most of the time as you go through the gauntlet and educate yourself on what your attachment style is you can employ the stoic philosophy of self improvement and work on shifting that attachment style towards a more secure one.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Which leads me to the final strategy I highly recommend.

Strategy #5: Adopt Secure Attachment Behaviors

I’ve already mentioned that the vast majority of people reading this or having enough trouble recovering from a breakup will often exhibit anxious attachment behaviors. Some of those behaviors include,

• Obsessing about the breakup and what they could have done wrong
• Excessively spying on their ex via social media (or in person)
• Begging for their ex to take them back
• Creating this narrative in their head where they “can’t live without” their ex
• Being prone to jealousy when they have no reason to be jealous
• Never giving their partner space

Sometimes “secure” people can exhibit some of these symptoms after a breakup like the obsessing about what you did wrong but but generally they get over it and are able to recover. An anxious person has an incredibly difficult time with this.

Now, if you’re reading this list and thinking to yourself,

“On no… I’m insecure and anxious. How do I get rid of this horrible behavior?”

I don’t want you to worry. Having an anxious attachment style isn’t all bad. In fact there is one huge asset to it.

According to Coach Tyler; Anxious attachment styles may be some of the best problem solvers we have.

I’ll admit that when he said that in our interview it took me aback because I had never thought to look at it that way. Often people just focus on the bad that goes with the insecure attachment styles and they never focus on the good.

It gave me an idea.

You should know by now that the goal for all insecure attachment styles,

1. Anxious
2. Avoidant
3. Fearful

Should be to spend time shifting those attachment styles towards being more secure. Yet it’s extremely difficult to do that but Tyler may have accidentally figured out the key (for an anxious attachment style.)

Why not use the positive aspect of their insecure attachment towards solving the problem.

We know that anxious attachment styles are incredible problem solvers. So, why not put that talent to use on solving a problem. Focusing on something that they care about just as much as their ex, their magnum opus.

Many people aren’t aware of this but I’m in the process of working on a new program for the people of this website called, Inspire His Desire. Essentially it’s meant to explain how attraction between humans work and how you can improve your odds of attracting the right partner.

One of the concepts I talk about is the magnum opus concept.

What is it?

Well, according to the authority of all things, Wikipedia,

Masterpiece, magnum opus or chef-d’œuvre in modern use is a creation that has been given much critical praise, especially one that is considered the greatest work of a person’s career or a work of outstanding creativity, skill, profundity, or workmanship.

Essentially it’s that one thing that you want to be remembered for when you leave this earth. For many they spend their entire life around this one pursuit.

My argument is this. If you have an anxious attachment style why not redirect those anxious tendencies, particularly the problem solving one, to a magnum opus like pursuit. Not only will you help take the focus away from your ex but you’ll be making the stoics proud by focusing on something that gives your life meaning.

After a while you’ll find that you are making steady progress in recovering from this breakup.