Today, we’re going to talk about how to stay in no contact.
And this is actually going to be one of the most difficult things that you’re going to experience when you actually attempt a no contact rule.
In fact, we estimate that roughly 80% of people who try a no contact rule for the first time will fail it their first time.
Why?
Well, that’s what we’re going to discover today.
We’re going to look at why people fail no contact, but most importantly, we’re going to hear from real people who succeeded in getting through no contact without breaking it and understand some of the strategies that they employed.
All right, let’s get after it.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizDefining What The No Contact Rule Is
So, what is the no contact rule?
Well, without a doubt, the no contact rule has become one of the most popular strategies out there that breakup experts will recommend to you.
So, generally speaking, the no contact rule is this period of time where you are cutting off all conceivable communication with your ex for a limited period of time. Usually this period of time is 21 to 45 days.
And there’s many different reasons for why we have those constraints.
But ultimately, if you do this successfully, it usually accomplishes a few things.
- It gives you time to reset so that you have outgrown your ex by the next time that you actually try to attempt to contact them.
- But also it triggers the reactants, the psychological reactant component within your ex that actually makes them want to hear from you more.
So there’s kind of a double whammy that gets involved with the no contact rule.
But without a doubt, it is the most difficult implementation that you’re going to experience of a strategy because we find it has the highest fail rate among our clients.
Now, what do I mean by that?
Failing The No Contact Rule
What is failing the no contact rule?
Well, simply put, when you fail the no contact rule, it means you’ve committed to doing a 30 day no contact rule. You decided you’re not going to respond to your ex if they reach out to you, you’re not going to reach out to your ex in a moment of weakness, and after 30 days, you can begin to rebuild rapport with them.
But let’s say, after day seven you find the no contact rule is just becoming too difficult and you break it.
You decide to reach out to your ex to see how they’re doing.
We’re finding that close to 80% of people who actually attempt a no contact rule for the first time will fail it the first time.
So why is it so difficult to actually stay the course in no contact?
Why The No Contact Rule Is So Difficult To Complete
Well, there’s a lot of different psychological reasons.
And then there’s the obvious reason.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo, let’s tackle the psychological reasons first.
A recent study looking at people going through breakups has likened the idea of the breakup period, the period where you go through a breakup and you’re missing your ex, they have found that it is akin to trying to kick an addiction that a cocaine addict would have. So when they looked at the brain of someone who’s going through a breakup, they find that the same part of the brain that actually lights up is the same part of the brain that lights up within a cocaine addict who’s going through withdrawal.
So as you can imagine, when you’re going through some sort of alcohol addiction or drug addiction withdrawal period, it is extremely difficult to kick those habits. Well, the same thing is being applied to here. And yet what we’re asking you to do is almost an impossible task.
We’re asking you to quit your ex cold turkey.
That is incredibly difficult.
And then there’s the obvious reasons for why the no contact rule has been proven to be so difficult for a lot of our clients. And that’s because, when you really think about it, the no contact rule, cutting your ex off cold Turkey, there’s a lot of different fears that the mind will place on you when you try the no contact.
So, for example, let’s say you try no contact rule on your ex, and day one goes by, and day two you start to get worried because, number one, you’re worried about maybe hurting their feelings by them worrying about what’s happening to you.
You’re also worried that they’re going to find someone new. And so all of these fears begin to morph and evolve and you become your own worst enemy. And ultimately you have to break the no contact rule to see how your ex is doing.
And this is actually become even worse with the advent of social media.
So, for example, oftentimes during the no contact rule, what you’re going to experience is this incessant, insatiable hunger to spy on your ex. And oftentimes when you can’t talk to your ex, your way of getting your fix is by going to Facebook or Instagram and seeing what your ex is up to.
And if they post a picture, especially if they post a picture out with friends or out with another girl, you start to freak out because guess what?
This person has maybe potentially replaced me.
And it makes you feel like, well, I need to go in and defend my territory so you end up breaking the no contact rule and end up hurting yourself ultimately. So, what is the best way to stay in no contact?
And what I mean by that is, what’s the best way to not break a no contact rule? Well, generally speaking, when I’m thinking of big guides like this that I want to talk about, I think of unique ways to tackle the question, so to speak.
Asking Real People How They Made It Through No Contact
I’ve talked a lot about the no contact rule on my websites, and on my podcast, and on my YouTube channel, it’s almost always better for you to hear from real people who have gone through a no contact rule, have been in the trenches exactly where you are and see what’s working for them.
And that’s what I’ve done.
If you’re not familiar with the setup we have with our program, basically everything we have revolves around this program that we put together called the Ex Boyfriend Recovery program for females and the Ex Girlfriend Recovery program for males. And basically anyone who gets into those programs gets access or has the opportunity to join our private Facebook support group.
To date over 6,000 people are in the group, 6,100 last I checked, right?
So what’s cool is sometimes when I want actual real life people to give me feedback on the strategies and the experience of what it’s like in the trenches when you’re using those strategies, I’ll go to the Facebook group and I will literally ask them a question.
Well, that’s what I did today in preparation for this particular article, podcast episode, you name it. I basically asked them, word for word, the following question.
For those of you who got through no contact, what was the most important factor for not breaking it? What helped you the most?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhat I did is I waited about a couple of hours and got over 100 answers.
Now what’s interesting about this, is each of these answers was unique, but there were some definite patterns that emerged.
So I’ve done all of the research for you and figured out what the six most important strategies or tactics or mindset shifts that you need to implement in order to give yourself the best chance of surviving your no contact period.
- Find A New Purpose Outside Of Your Ex
- Understand That Every Time You Have To Restart No Contact Loses Effectiveness
- Stay So Busy That You Don’t Have Time To Check Your Phone Or Social Media
- Train Your Mind Not To Quit
- Having A Support Group
- Understanding How Avoidants Feel During No Contact
Let’s talk about each of these strategies for a moment.
Strategy #1: Find A New Purpose Outside Of Your Ex
Like I said, trying to quit your ex cold turkey is very difficult and is the similar kind of environment or experience that a drug addict will be going through when they go through withdrawal. It’s just not so easy. So one of the smartest things that you can do is try to find a way to put the focus away from your ex. What maybe you don’t know about our history with the no contact rule is, I started my business in 2012. So it’s been about 10 years now that I’ve been at this, which is kind of wild. But what’s interesting is initially our understanding of the no contact rule has evolved throughout those 10 years. We’ve actually went through three big definition changes, if you will.
So, the first definition of the no contact rule was basically, it’s this period of time you ignore your ex to make them miss you. But after four or five years went by we found out, ah, that’s not exactly what the no contact rule is based on real people’s experience. We updated it to say, “Okay, well, it’s this period of time, usually between 21 to 45 days, where you’re ignoring your ex and you have the opportunity to grow from the experience but you’re also still trying to make your ex miss you. So, we harped a little bit more on the personal growth aspect of no contact.
So after about 6, 7, 8 years goes by, we start to get better at reaching out to our customers who are successful at getting their ex’s back. If you don’t believe me, you can actually just go to our website and look at our success stories tab to see some of the actual hour-long interviews I’ve done with people who’ve gone through our program, successfully gotten the ex’s back. But after interviewing a lot of these people, I start to notice a really interesting pattern, and our latest iteration of the no contact rule varies the most when it comes to our competitors.
So, ultimately our view of the no contact rule now is, it’s this period of time where you’re ignoring your ex, but the intent is not meant to make your ex miss you, it’s to get to this place emotionally where you outgrow your ex. So you’re ignoring your ex, let’s say, for 30 days, but during those 30 days, you need to do everything you possibly can to get over them, get to this place emotionally where you accept, “Hey, I might not get this person back.” Or, “Hey, I’ve outgrown my ex.” And what we found is people who do that, when they actually began to enter into the conversational aspects of trying to get their ex’s back, they have exponentially better success rates.
So, how do you outgrow your ex? Well, ultimately I think the best way to do that is to find a new purpose outside of your ex. We know from basically researching that most of our clients have anxious attachment styles. This means, they’re more prone to be the ones to blow their ex’s phone up. They’re more prone to be the ones to freak out when things don’t go their way. They will be the ones to buy their ex a gift, show up at their ex’s house unannounced, text way too much, not really know when to stop texting. They are the really anxious type of behaviors. People who have anxious tendencies find it incredibly difficult to find a purpose outside of their ex because their ex is their purpose.
So we need to help you shift your mindset during no contact so that you find this Magnum Opus idea. I’ve been talking a lot about Magnum Opus ideas lately. Basically, it’s your life’s work. What do you want to be remembered for? And I can guarantee you, you do not want to be remembered for this breakup, how you acted after the breakup, or even this relationship with your ex. You’re a lot more than just a relationship aspect. So you need to find something that you care just as much about as your ex and start to focus on that. That is the first strategy that you can implement during no contact to lessen the burden.
Strategy #2: Understand That Every Time You Have To Restart No Contact Loses Effectiveness
The second strategy is to understand that every single time you have to restart a no contact, it will lose a little bit of effectiveness. So this is not necessarily anything revolutionary. I’ve talked a lot about this in the past, but here it is again. Basically we find that it is okay if you mess up no contact once, it’s even okay if you mess up twice, but if you mess up like seven, eight, nine times in a row, and if you don’t know the way no contact works is, if you mess it up you have to start over from the beginning, which is kind of a harsh thing but there’s a method to the madness, it’s teaching you discipline so that you understand like, hey, I can’t mess this up.
But what’s interesting is there’s also kind of a time element involved because if you mess it up a bunch of times, you’re not given like 10th, 11th or 12th chances. You’re given a second chance, oftentimes you’re given a third chance, but once you start messing it up more than five times, you’re in trouble. And I always try to explain it to people like this. The best analogy I’ve ever found to explain this concept is, imagine you go to a movie and you see this really amazing movie for the very first time. And it’s all you can think about. In fact, you think about it so much, you decide you’re going to go watch it again. So you watch the same movie again the very next day. It’s still really good, but now that you know everything that’s going to happen those emotional moments don’t touch you as much, but you still are obsessed with it.
So you go and see it again. So you see it this third time, and it’s no longer as good as you remembered. In fact, it’s almost like disappointing because you’ve seen it so many times, you know everything that’s going to happen. You’re still obsessed with it, but it loses its effectiveness. This is the same way no contact works. If you break it the first time, it’s okay. You can still do it again the second time. Same with a third time. But the more you have to do no contact, the more you fail no contact, guess what’s going to happen? It’s going to lose effectiveness on your ex. No longer will you ignoring your ex seem like it’s this big deal. It’s like, “Oh, okay. She’s going on another bout of ignoring me. Cool.” So, understand that every time you have to restart no contact, it kind of puts a check mark against you and the ledger.
Strategy #3: Stay So Busy That You Don’t Have Time To Check Your Phone Or Social Media
Strategy number three. Stay so busy that you don’t have time to check your phone or social media. As you can imagine, temptation is really high during no contact because we allow our minds to take control and rule us through fear. Oh my goodness, is he moving on to someone new? Oh my goodness, what if they forget about me? The issue is this is made worse when you’re constantly checking your phone seeing if they’re going to reach out to you, or you’re constantly going on social media to see if they have a new update or seeing if they respond to any of your updates. I think social media is an incredible tool. In fact, as I’m speaking here, I’m writing a really gigantic article on it, but it’s also our worst enemy.
And the fact is, we waste a lot of time on social media that we could actually be doing something more productive with our time. We could actually be spending that time towards our new purpose outside of our ex’s to outgrowing our ex, to encountering the holy trinity and trying to get the health, wealth and relationships balanced in our lives. Yet, if you’re checking your phone constantly, or you’re checking social media constantly, it robs you of that time.
One of the very first coaching clients I ever had, I think it was actually the very first coaching client that I ever took on with someone who is obsessed about her ex so much so that she became incredibly anxious. And we had the first coaching session. It went really, really well and I gave her this homework. And all of the homework, it was pretty obvious. I wanted her to focus on the holy trinity, which is her health, wealth and relationships, and relationships outside of her ex. And I wanted her to spend more time on outgrowing her ex. Right? So I gave her the correct type of advice and said like, “Hey, if you want to do a follow-up session with me, here’s the link. But I don’t think you’re going to need one for maybe a month or something.”
Well, maybe after a week and a half, she actually signed up for a followup session, which I was extremely grateful for. I was like, “Oh cool. I got my first follow-up.” And then I got on the follow-up call. And I said, okay, “Well, here’s the homework I gave you last time, where are you at? What have you done? And she had not done anything. And I literally asked her and I said like, “Why didn’t you do anything that we talked about?” And she said, “Well, I just don’t have time.” And I said, “Okay. Well, let’s talk about that.” What are you doing with your time? She said, “Well, I work eight hours a day. And then I get home and I watch Netflix. And then I get home and I spend two hours on the night looking at social media posts and looking at Pinterest.”
And so, I was basically saying like, “Okay, so basically you work eight hours a day, which is really strong workday. And then you have like five hours of free time that you just dedicate to Netflix and social media and Pinterest?” And I was asking her this in a question format so she can realize, you’re just being lazy. Which is a hard thing to do. And she basically acknowledged like, yeah, I should try harder. But here’s the thing. No contact is extremely hard if you are not finding a way to stay busy and be productive with your time. And the cool thing about the holy trinity, is if you’re able to successfully interact with the holy trinity, they build off each other and force you to be productive.
So, I’ve actually noticed this. I’m actually in the process right now of training for a marathon, right? I’ve got the whole training schedule down and I want to do really good on this marathon. I’ve never run a marathon before I want to do really good. I used to run cross country and track in high school. I’m in the process of trying to lose weight so that I can have an easier time on the marathon. And I’ve noticed it’s been about two weeks since I started the training program. I’ve run every single day. I’m supposed to run about three miles a day. But I’ve noticed my productivity and all the other areas of my life has improved. And that’s because I’m training my mind to basically work and stay busy when I don’t want to work and stay busy. And this is actually the perfect segue into our next strategy.
Strategy #4: Train Your Mind Not To Quit
Your mind is going to rule you through fear. Now, what do I mean by that? Well, when you go through a breakup, you have lots of different thoughts. Predominantly, my ex is going to replace me with someone new. When you’re in no contact, these thoughts multiply. Not only are you afraid that your ex is going to find someone new, but you’re afraid that you won’t be able to do anything about it if your ex find someone new. You’re also afraid that your ex will forget you. He won’t.
You’re afraid of hurting your ex’s feelings. And this is maybe even triggered more by the fact if, sometimes your ex can have a knee-jerk reaction to no contact. So you are in the middle of no contact, your ex reaches out to you, really angry about the fact that you’re ignoring them and your mind just goes crazy. And sometimes your mind gets the better of you and forces you to break no contact to respond. But your mind is a liar.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSee, one thing that people don’t really realize about this, is oftentimes we’ll talk about calming the emotional storm. There’s a huge emotional storm within you after a breakup, and the best way to overcome the breakup and stay in no contact without breaking it, is to find a way to tame the storm and maintain emotional control. But the way to maintain emotional control is to overcome your mind. And you have to go to war with your mind. You have to have an answer for every single thing that your mind will say to you to try to get you to break no contact. And this is challenging because no one knows you better than your mind. It knows your weaknesses and it knows exactly what to say to bring you to your knees. And it takes an incredibly disciplined individual to overcome that kind of stress.
And since we’re talking about running, like I said, training for a marathon right now. What’s interesting about training for a marathon is I started up. And the first thing they wanted me to do is a three mile run. I had not run in a couple of years, so I try running. I make it maybe a mile before I have to walk. The funny thing is I used to think people who walked when they ran were cowards. I no longer think that. What’s interesting though is, the more I stuck to the training program, the more that mile became easier. And then I started getting difficulty at two miles and then I made it past two miles and that two miles became easier. And then I had difficulty at three miles, I made it pass three miles and I’m up about 3.75 miles where I started to hit the wall, so to speak.
But in this marathon training program, what’s interesting about it is, there’s always what they have termed a long run day. And the long run days are when you basically… Like I’m on week two right now. So it wants me to run three miles on Monday, three miles on Tuesday, three miles on Wednesday, three miles on Thursday, it wants me to rest on Friday, but I’m an insane person so I’m just going to run three miles again. And then on Saturday I have my long run. That’s seven miles. Today, I literally just got back from my run before I began recording this. And I was thinking on my run, I don’t know how I’m going to make it seven miles. I really don’t.
It is going to be incredibly hard because what ends up happening at a certain point on the run, you start to max out your endurance. And that’s when your mind asks you the really difficult questions, why am I doing this? This is so dumb. This hurts so bad. It’s not going to be such a big deal if you walk. I mean, we’ve already been three miles. What’s the big deal if we don’t go 3.2 miles or 3.7 miles? Your mind knows exactly what to say to get you to stop. The challenge on surviving the long runs, and I’ve only done one long run so far, I went six miles and then six miles was miserable. And the challenge is to try to either ignore what your mind is trying to get you to do or go to war with it.
Recognize you’re just trying to manipulate me and prevent me from achieving my goals. And this requires incredible self-discipline. And this is something that unfortunately, you’re going to experience not in a physical way, but you’re going to experience the hardship on a mental and emotional level during no contact. Your mind will tell you things that aren’t true. My ex will find someone better than me. That’s a lie. There’s no one better than you for your ex. We know that. And if you don’t believe that, then you have a confidence issue. Your mind is also going to say, well, what if they get upset at me? Who cares? You shouldn’t care if your ex gets upset with you.
Remember, the point of no contact is to outgrow your ex so that you don’t care what they think anymore. Well, what if I ruin my chances? What if they get so upset at me that they never want to talk to me again? I’ve been doing this for 10 years. It’s very rare for that to happen. You need to have an answer for each one of these things your mind does. I would almost treat it like a game. Every time your mind finds a new way to manipulate you during no contact, write it down and find a realistic answer to answer it. And recognize like, this is just my mind trying to play tricks on me again. So that’s strategy number four.
Strategy #5: Have A Support System
Strategy number five is a little bit more obvious, and this is having a support group. One of the smartest things that you can do for yourself when you’re going through the no contact rule is not to do it alone. It is a lonely experience doing no contact. But if you’re able to surround yourself with like-minded individuals who are also going through no contact, you’ll find that you can actually talk to this person about the hardship and it becomes easier. It’s almost like a therapy in a way. This is actually how we came up with our concept called the battle buddy program within our private Facebook support group. The very one that I use to get these strategies. So the way that battle buddy program works is, we try to partner you up with someone who is like you or in a situation similar to you, so that you’re right around the same period. And you can relate to each other and help each other through the process.
Now, in some cases it’s blown up in our faces. Sometimes the battle buddy program we don’t like doing because people don’t like their battle buddies and all of our moderators, our volunteers, and they’re just like, “Well, I don’t want to do this anymore because people are just getting angry because I’m not partnering them up with the right person. But here’s the thing. You don’t necessarily need a battle buddy to survive no contact. What you do need is a support group. You don’t even need to go, and I’m not by any means insinuating you should buy our program and get access to our support group, though that would be really helpful. Sometimes it’s just having your own personal support group of supportive people. This is the challenge.
Not everyone wants to help you get your ex back. In fact, I’ve experienced this in my life. Sometimes when I tell people what I do, they’ll look at me and they’ll say, “Well, why would anyone ever want to get back with an ex? And the irony is, I find a lot of times people when they say have never been in a situation where they’ve ever wanted an ex back. So, they can’t really ever relate to the person. So they project their experiences of a breakup onto other people’s experiences on a breakup. They come up with these preconceived notions. You do not want to surround yourself with a support group of friends or family that have these preconceived notions.
Instead, going back to strategy, number four, they will give your mind more ammunition to use against you. They’ll bring up points of like, “Well, it’s just stupid to get your ex back. Why would you want someone back who treated you this way?” Maybe your ex treated you really, really well, but they don’t see that because they love you and they’re supportive of you. They’ll say things that gives your mind ammunition against you. So what you’re going to want to do, is find, not necessarily yes, man. You want to find people who support you, but won’t also be beholden to trying to please you at every single turn if that makes any sense. That’s the right way to form a support group.
Strategy #6: Understand How The Avoidant Feels During No Contact
And finally, strategy number six, which is understanding how avoidance feel during no contact. So, I’ve already stated that we found that most of our clients tend to be anxious during the no contact rule. Why? Because they have what’s called the anxious attachment style. What’s also interesting is we find that most of the anxious attachment style people that we have in our program tend to attract avoidant attachment style exes. Now, an avoidant attachment style is basically an ex who wants emotional intimacy, but also is scared of emotional intimacy because they think it’s going to take over their independence. A good example of this, is I was talking to someone who’s an expert on the subject called Antia Boyd. She’s an expert. She’s got her own YouTube channel. Check her out.
Antia Boyd was telling me the story of one of her clients who was dating this guy. And the guy was going to go on a trip long distance to some other state halfway across the United States. And all this girl wanted was, “Hey, just let me know when you get there. I want to know that you’re safe. And the guy was like, “Okay, sure, sure, sure.” Gets on the plane, goes to wherever he was going. And her client’s just waiting around to get a response from him. Did he make it yet? Did he make it yet? Did he make it yet? And eventually she’s anxious. So, she decides to text him, “Hey, how did you make it? Did you make it there okay?
And then he blew up on her. “Why should I have to tell you if I made it there okay. You just need to let me be me.” This is a prime example of someone who’s an avoidant. What’s interesting is you need to understand how avoidance feel during no contact. The big misconception a lot of people have is that avoidance want to avoid because they don’t want a relationship. And that’s not true. What they like, is they like relationships from afar. They like to romanticize relationships. They like to feel nostalgia with regards to relationships. In fact, when it becomes too suffocated in the relationship this is what often causes them to run away.
But here’s the important point that is often missed. Most of the time, the no contact rule serves a really important purpose. And that is giving your avoidant ex time to begin to miss you. That sounds super obvious, but it makes a little bit more sense when we understand that oftentimes avoidance will not give themselves permission to miss you until they literally feel like you’ve moved on from them and there’s no chance that you will ever take them back. Then they feel safe beginning to miss you, beginning to have nostalgic reverie, beginning to remember those really great times you had together. And when they’re in that state of mind is when you want to reach out to them. That’s when they’re most likely to be responsive. And we have tried to structure our no contact rules in this way so that you’re reaching out when they’re having these extreme bouts of nostalgic reverie.
Jenna
September 4, 2021 at 5:26 pm
Hello, I have a question about the limited no contact rule in regards to my situation. Been with my husband 8.5 years, married 4, we have a son. He’s in early recovery from drugs and alcohol, attended rehab, doing well. He moved out of our house 6 weeks ago. Told me he wasn’t happy in our marriage and doesn’t know if he can be in a relationship right now. One week ago he said given everything, he thinks we should separate. He has tried to continue to text me daily, alot the first couple days.. I do see him often during the week when he comes to get our son and I try to keep conversation minimal and typically just about our son. I do not respond to his texts unless it’s an important question regarding our son. How does this conversation between us, even though it’s about co-parenting, affect the no contact rule progress? I almost feel like the no contact is starting over after I see him and talk to him about our son, then ignore his texts. How can I tell if he is going through the different stages of grieving our break up? And also, how long would I need to maintain a limited NC since I need to communicate with him for our child? I have read all your articles regarding children. Thank you!!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 9, 2021 at 9:24 pm
Hey Jenna, so you are not breaking NC as long as you only speak about your son, you say important questions – this should be limited to pick up and dropping off times and emergency (health or accident related) Anything else can be left. It does come across as harsh in the beginning but it is needed. You also make sure you spend as little time with him as possible when he does see your son.
Stacey
October 15, 2020 at 11:21 am
Spilt with my boyf a week ago, he has messaged to offer to chat but I think I need to initiate no contact — how do I word that in my reply?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 15, 2020 at 5:17 pm
Hi Stacey, you do not tell your ex you are going into a NC you just go into one
Michelle
July 23, 2019 at 2:17 pm
My boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago. We had been dating for about 9 months. We got along well, traveled together well, but he is just recently divorced and he says he doesn’t want to be “that guy” that gets into a serious relationship right after his divorce. He says that he loves me and feels like if we break up now that there is a future for us later. He still wants to be friends and go out to lunch or dinner. He still will text me an average of once a day. The messages are just general life stuff…about work or kids…every couple of days it’s “ i miss you”. Do I initiate no contact or still be friends? It is so hard for me not to reply to his messages.
EternalHope
April 29, 2018 at 5:55 pm
I just completed 30 days of no contact. He did not reach out once. I checked his twitter and I saw that he accused me of being in relationship 2 months before I broke up with him. As in I found someone and once I was sure it was going to work I dumped him. He also referenced some music I had started listening to at the time I supposedly started this relationship. He could be baiting me to get a reaction from me, but I think he thinks I did this because in the past I have broken up with him and asked him to come back each time. What do I do? Do I defend myself? He also took down the post a few hours later I just happen to see it. What should my first contact be? We lived together for 3 years so I could make an excuse about things he still has here.
Chris Seiter
April 29, 2018 at 8:38 pm
Hi Enternal Hope (awesome moniker!). First of all, go get a copy of my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro, if you have not already! Its a huge blueprint on things you should and shouldn’t do. There are suggested initial texts you can use to get the ball rolling, but there is so much more involved in the process and you should get up to speed so as to improve your chances. Given you guys have considerable history and based on some of his little communication barbs, I do think your chances are better than average. I do think he is testing you, and with 30 days gone by, it time for you to start testing the waters with him. For now, don’t worry about his silly little accusations. You need not defend yourself, it just falls into his trap. Just act like you no nothing of it. Its a play to get you to rise up. So keep me in the loop as to how things proceed, my friend Eternal Hope!
EternalHope
May 3, 2018 at 4:29 am
I didn’t get a notification of this response ::tear:: So I did send an email defending myself. He read this email multiple times. I also have to admit that I did concoct a plan with my friend to try going on dates since I was unable to get out of this relationship. Also have to add that he is an alcoholic. So he saw these messages so his accusation has a foundation between me and my friend and he confronted me. I told him that I didn’t know what to do anymore. He said I should leave. I asked him not to and then we never spoke of it again. I never acted on my plan but nonetheless I did concoct it.
Lostmyinnocence
April 6, 2018 at 4:26 am
I broke up with him because we couldn’t communicate anymore. He has a lot of narcissistic qualities- lack of empathy and never apologizes. I put in too much effort and he took me for granted. I asked him to leave on Feb 23rd and I stayed at a friends. He didn’t leave until I came back and asked him to. I did not contact him after that. I normally ask him to come back after a week. I did not break. At the 2 week mark he asked if he could come pick up his things. I said I would mail his clothes. At 4 weeks he came to get the rest of his things. My friends handled the move-out but I ran into him. He looked horribly sad but said nothing. There was an angry text exchange the next day but I did not react or show any emotions. It’s been 5 weeks since I broke up with him. It’s been 5 days since he moved out completely. Is there hope?
Jennifer Seiter
April 7, 2018 at 3:25 am
Yes I think there’s still hope but do you still want him back even though he is showing narcissistic qualities?
Lostmyinnocence
April 7, 2018 at 3:39 am
I just need to know that it didn’t mean nothing, even if we don’t get back together. We were together for 4 years. Will no contact work?
Jennifer Seiter
April 8, 2018 at 2:31 am
Yes I think no contact will work particularly well in your situation.
Lostmyinnocence
April 8, 2018 at 8:38 pm
at what point do I decide that no contact isn’t doing anything and I should move on.
Jennifer Seiter
April 10, 2018 at 7:00 pm
That’s a great question. The only way you will know is if you go through the whole process. You will need to do 21, 30 or 45 days no contact and then start up the texting/ rebuilding attraction phase. If you have a neutral or negative response repeat the process, start over with no contact. Everyone is different but I wouldn’t recommend putting in more then 6-12 months on getting him back depending on your age.
Linda
March 6, 2018 at 3:29 pm
So i was dating a man for a year – and it was one of the greatest relations i have ever had – (i am 51) we had more fun together and it was awesome. I was at the point where i wanted to know where we stood in things. Like did he love me – we have never said it so i just wasn’t sure. I wasn’t looking for anymore then that answer. I could tell it freaked him out. He told me that he thought i was awesome and had so much fun but didn’t know if he felt the same as I did. Told me it didn’t mean he never would, but right now he didn’t. Well instantly from there he fell off on communicating with him – which then freaked me out. He basically told me last night He needs a pause. Do you think there is any salvation here – or am i just fooling myself.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 10, 2018 at 4:32 pm
Hi Linda,
It looka like he’s confused and might not be ready to commit.. If he still doesn’t initiate after two weeks, either move on or try the nc rule..
missaddie
October 28, 2017 at 1:51 am
My ex and I were together for four years and have a daughter together who is a little over a year old now. We broke up (he broke things off) about a month ago now, and I moved out about three weeks ago. I told him before I left that I was going to need some time to myself and that I didn’t want to talk to or see him for a while. I am staying with my mother, and we have been using both her and his mother as liaisons to indirectly communicate about our daughter. So, I have not seen or talked to him directly since I moved. We still attend the same gym but have so far not run into one another there—until tonight. Being involved in my own workout, I didn’t even notice he was there but at some point checked my phone and noticed I had a text from him asking if I wanted him to leave and saying he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. I thought about replying with some friendly response about how I didn’t mind but eventually just decided the best thing to do was not reply at all and go about the rest of my workout as I would have if he weren’t there. And that’s exactly what I did. Did i do the right thing?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 31, 2017 at 6:57 pm
Hi,
You can stop nc at 30 or 45 days and then start slowly building rapport while continuing improving yourself…
Jess
September 9, 2017 at 12:12 am
Hi Amor,
I sent a message yesterday regarding my text situation and whether or not I should buy ExBoyfriend Recovery PRO if my text has been hot and cold blocking & unblocking me (and my family) off his phone and social media. He dumped me after a 3 year relationship due to his commitment to school wanting a degree and start his career without any distractions or unnecessary stress (me). Stating he didn’t want to put enegery into the relationship anymore and he has no time for me being that we are 2 hours away from each other (he doesn’t have a car) and on weekends he works. How is he suppose to know I’m ignoring him and not gnatting if he’s been blocking me this entire time? (It’s been a week) I don’t understand how someone went from practically being with me every day to wanting me out of their life for good.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 12, 2017 at 9:24 pm
HI Jess,
yep, buy the pro, the content would give you a lot of insights.. Be active in improving yourself and in posting and make your posts public so he can still see it if he blocks you.
maine
August 22, 2017 at 9:12 am
my boyfriend broke up with me a week ago, he said he likes someone else. they’re not yet together but they started chatting few months ago when we started to have alot of fights because of i felt like he was losing time on me. now, he said its been alot different and he thinks that we can no longer be together. it just sudden, and i believe its just because of his peers or current environment he is at because he is not like that when we started. we were already building our future and all. i want him back. honestly, though i know i have said harsh things on him even my sister to him. hope you can help me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 22, 2017 at 10:16 pm
HI Maine,
check this one:
The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends
Alyssa
June 30, 2017 at 6:58 am
Hi Chris,
In an article about rebounds you mentioned the Being There Method. How does this work in the context of No Contact?
My situation is a mix of two types of rebounding (he started dating someone a little after we established just being friends, and ending the romantic relationship) though we were still talking as much as usual.
He reached out to me a few weeks later, I responded cheerfully, but did not respond to his follow ups (which didn’t exactly require a reply, but it was more of a bid to connect and engage). After i ignored this, it became apparent on social media that they were still going out.
Please help!! I’m so lost.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 30, 2017 at 4:55 pm
HI alyssa,
I’m sorry I’m not sure I understand your question, do you mean what are you going to do during nc if he’s in a rebound relationship?
Julie
June 8, 2017 at 11:33 am
My boyfriend of 7 months and I broke up in early April- about two months ago. I was never able to successfully maintain No Contact. Sometimes I would text him every week, and the longest NC I was able to manage was 2 weeks. Everything was initiated by me- he never contacted me and occasionally ignored my texts altogether. I go to his work once a quarter for my own work, and two weeks ago asked him if he wanted to see each other on my latest trip there. We had lunch at his work, then, in the evening, had a long conversation about our relationship- again, all prompted by me. The long conversation was good, and he was kind to me as I was to him, but the main thing I got from him is that he wants to move on. I definitely didn’t get the sense that he missed me or that he wanted to revive our relationship. He held pretty firmly to his reasons for ending it and also thought it would be too awkward to be friends. A few days after our meeting, he also got back on online dating (which is how we met). So my question is- what do I do from here? It has been 10 days since we last talked. Do I keep doing No Contact and if so, how long? Should I do it longer since I have failed it for two months? Should I give up entirely since he is earnestly trying to date? Final question- I found a therapy book that I found to be tremendously helpful. It goes over reasons why people fall out of love even when the relationship is good. I think virtually the entire book offers helpful commentary on our breakup, and I’d really love for him to read it. Can I ever send it to him? And if so when? Or should I just forget about it? He does already see a therapist. Thank you for any feedback!
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 11, 2017 at 3:32 pm
sending the book is like trying to convince him back.. it would be better to treat this as a restart and slowly build rapport
Mariel
June 8, 2017 at 12:27 am
My ex broke up with me very abruptly after an argument we had the night before, after 6 months of dating. We had just gotten back from our first vacation together 3 days before the breakup and it was absolutely incredible. I have always felt you can tell a lot about a partner once you travel with the, and I don’t think it could’ve gone better. I know most people may assume it wasn’t abrupt and he was harboring some feelings of breaking up with me for awhile and maybe that argument just gave him the push he needed. But I know that isn’t true. His feelings for me didn’t change. It really was just an erratic decision, he even admitted to that when we spoke a week and a half later in person (he was a mess, bawling his eyes out…had pierced his ear to try to “find himself”, was expressing his disappointment in himself and how he needs to work on his communication and on himself in general).
So we met up to chat a week and a half after the breakup and we both cried the entire time. It was honestly very cathartic and soothing for me. I needed to say the things I said and hear the things he said. It also helped to see he was as upset as I was, since I had little contact from him before that meeting. We both concluded that getting back together right then and there wouldn’t be wise. He mentioned that he knows me well and knows I’d never trust that he wouldn’t just end it again if we got right back together. I agreed and said I don’t think we should be together right now (which I think surprised him). After a 2 hour conversation, that was very healing for us both, I asked him what he needed from me moving forward and he suggested we don’t communicate for a few months. He said he thinks we will both be in much better places by then and we both can work on ourselves. I didn’t interpret that as him hinting maybe we will try to be together again…I just accepted it for what it was because I agreed with that. We hugged/cried really hard and said our goodbyes. He texted me the next day on my birthday (yes…this was the night before my birthday…ouch) and we haven’t communicated since. It will be 30 days of no contact in a few days here, and just really torn on how to move forward. I’ve been working on self improvement a lot here. I took up boxing (and love it), I have spent more time with friends, I’ve been journaling and meditating, I’ve been keeping away from social media (more successfully in just the last week), I’ve been staying busy with work and even left a job that was toxic to me. I’m starting to coach kids soccer (something I love) on the side, I’ve been helping friends with their dilemmas and being more available to other people than I was before, I even spent time to note the lessons I’ve learned from this relationship and things I’d want to work on whether I end up with my ex or someone new. My 2nd semester of grad school starts tonight, which is a new career change that is something I’m beyond passionate about. Which is great, because I actually know what I want to do with my life and am really happy with that. I have a lot going for me and realized this past few weeks how happy my life is. I was happy before I met him, and I know I can be happy without him. The problem is, he isn’t happy with himself or his life. But I just truly see him as added happiness to my life, and I know we both did that for each other. He once told me I was the only happiness in his life…and if I walked out the door, there goes his happiness. I know that isn’t great, but it makes it even more confusing as to why he ended things. I do think he depended on me for happiness more than I did for him…but he really added color to my world. I’ve never felt more supported, loved, cared for…and most importantly, HEARD in a relationship before. We shared the same values and dreams for the future regarding family, religion, children, lifestyle, etc. We had the same humor and made each other laugh constantly. We just vibed really well and added a lot to one another’s lives. Everyone around us always commented on how wonderful we were together.
Anyways, my question here is…do I initiate contact after 30 days to start us communicating again? Or do I need to wait longer since we agreed not to communicate “for a few months.” Also, is it saying a lot that I haven’t heard from him? In my gut, he isn’t going to contact me first (at least for a loooong time) because I doubt he’s made some massive transformation in just 30 days to feel he’s worthy of me yet. I doubt he’s stopped drinking, or found a new job, or figured out his communication problems in just 30 days. I just don’t want to lose touch here…not for too long. It was sad watching him say he thinks there is a guy out there who can give me what he can’t. I know he can give me what I deserve…he just doesn’t see himself the way I do. My other concern is that I’m a fixer…and I don’t want to try to fix everything. I always do that and it backfires. My friends and family have seen how hurt I was from this and they really think it speaks volumes that he hasn’t reached out in 30 days to me…they think it should be on him. I’m trying to follow my heart, my gut and my intuition here. And I have concluded that I just don’t feel like i’m done with this relationship yet….I’m not ready to close the door on it. I’m just scared if I put myself back out there after working on healing…I’ll get rejected and hurt worse than before…So do I initiate contact after 30 days? Do I wait longer and respect the “let’s not communicate for a few months” comment? Is waiting longer too long? Looking forward to your thoughts.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 10, 2017 at 7:09 pm
you can wait upto 45 days.. after that it would be better if you initiate
Rose
June 6, 2017 at 11:40 am
Hey guys!
I just wanted to ask for a bit of advice about a situation I’m in…
This guy and myself have been on and off for about three years now. The longest time we stayed together was ten months, and then proceeded to be on and off again. This was due to us fighting or constantly getting jealous and ending the relationship. For about ten months, we didn’t talk, but since November last year – we’ve patched things up and had some major closer.
Yada, yada, yada
*time skip*
For the first time since we broke up (after the ten month relationship), we kissed. Since then, we had been talking about dating again and we were really set on it. However, he went away on a school trip overseas and we facetimed the every night he was away that week – but two days before he was expected the come home, he just changed. He became cold, curt, rude, and wouldn’t talk to me but would still get upset if we didn’t call at nighttime…I eventually asked him what was wrong and he said he was having doubts; however he wouldn’t tell me what caused them. Out of frustration and hurt – thinking that this time was different – I called it quits.
We haven’t properly spoken since.
Except for today when I received a friend request from a girl who lives in the country he recently visited – them already being friends. I asked him who she was and he began to tell me how they met on his trip, all about her, how well they got along, and everything they were talking about. I got frustrated, and to avoid retaliating, I left all his messages on seen and went offline. Since then, he’s still talking about her – talking to her about all the stuff we used to when we first got together (television shows, books, games and sports).
Should I reply at all?
If so, what should I say?
It looks as though she’s the reason he started having doubts. Is it even worth putting effort into trying to get him back?
Sincerely,
Rose
Rose
June 6, 2017 at 11:43 am
The kiss happened about a month ago now, and I called it quits two weeks ago today
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 9, 2017 at 2:52 pm
Hi Rose,
if you’re going to start the no contact period then you should stop replying to him and to do at least 45 days.
Lin
June 6, 2017 at 6:56 am
Hi!
So I’m, currently in a bit of a pinch here (like everyone else here haha) Anyway, my ex and I broke up around a week ago and I immediately started no contact. But last night he messaged me and constantly bugged me in every social media possible. He even used our mutual friends to try to make me talk to him. And just this afternoon, I had to agree because it has become disruptive. Turns out he just wants to confess and apologize because he liked someone while were still going out. And he then continued to say that he misses me as his best friend (we were the closest friend before).
He still likes this other girl but he said he continuously checks my profile and got pissed when another guy (a friend from highschool) posted a recent photo of us.
I don’t know if I still want to be with him because he sort of cheated on me emotionally. And I know I messed the no contact rule. But right now, we’re talking the way we used to – like best friends. And I like it, not because it gives me butterflies or anything. I’m not even sure if I still love the guy.
I guess the question is, should I be friends with my ex? Is it possible?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 9, 2017 at 12:02 pm
HI Lin,
right now, you look like you’re friendzoned.
Priya
June 4, 2017 at 8:25 am
Hi Chris,
My boyfriend broke up with me around two months ago. I pleaded , begged and apologized for everything till today. He blocked me on social media and then unblocked and again blocked and recently texted saying again that these fights are too much , our relationship is not in a good state, we have difference of opinions and we deserve better than each other.
I do’t believe , we had misunderstandings and I realize and regret for my behavior, for hurting him but I am working to make myself confident. I love him a lot and I can never love anyone else. I just want another chance and these things will never happen. I truly love and care for him.
We are in long distance for over a year. Our relationship was two years old and it was very serious.
I have gone through your website, please help and guide me how to take this forward because I want him back .Do I still have chances of getting him back. Please help me in getting him back.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 5, 2017 at 8:51 pm
Hi Priya,
check this one: