I Don't See Us Getting Back Together... What Does It Mean?- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

384 thoughts on “I Don’t See Us Getting Back Together… What Does It Mean?”

Katie

April 2, 2016 at 5:44 pm

I was in no contact and he saw a quote on my Facebook that made him really upset. He messaged me saying to never talk to him again and then he blocked me. I think he’s really done and I don’t know what else I can really do at this point.

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 4, 2016 at 7:05 am

finish no contact first, then if you’re still blocked after it, that means you have to wait it out

Alexa

April 2, 2016 at 3:15 pm

My ex boyfriend and I have been broken up for six months now. I messed up a lot in the beginning and eventually did no contact, which was successful. He began to contact me and we are now in contact with one another. We hung out three times this week, which led to us having sex the second time. He keeps telling me that we will never get back together because he can never get over what I did to him (I made the mistake of hooking up with his best friend one night and during this time, he has got with multiple girls which he denied to me at first and just admitted to). He keeps telling me that he is different now and I don’t understand. He keeps calling himself a “bad” person. One day he is hot with me, and the next day cold. We will be talking fine one minute and the next, he is throwing in my face what I have done to him and tells me we can’t talk anymore. One day we fought and the next, I just ended the convo and he ended up texting me later. He also keeps asking me “what do you want out of this?” I tell him just to be friends, and one second he goes “okay good because we will never be together” and the next, he is telling me he doesn’t want anything to do with me. He said to me yesterday “so you don’t care if I hangout with you one night and ______ (girls name) the next?? I know you will.” As of right now, I am acting as if I am okay with everything, but he knows I am bluffing. What approach should I take now?

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 4, 2016 at 6:24 am

Hi Alexa,

if that’s what he says, then move on.. he’s just using you either for sex or to get revenge

Katie

March 25, 2016 at 5:46 am

I sent my first contact text message after 33 days of no contact. He wrote back pretty quickly and I waited an hour to even look at the message and took another 20 mins to respond after that. Interesting enough he didn’t even acknowledge what I had said to him in my text… He just stated that he was so sorry for breaking my heart and that his heart is broken too. He said breaking up with me was one of the hardest things he has ever had to do but he knew it wasn’t right anymore and that we will be better off in the long run. I wasn’t really sure how to respond because I didn’t want to talk about the relationship at all. But I told him that I forgive him, that I understand and that I don’t hold any hard feelings. He then went on to say that again this is so hard for him even after a month and that he wishes he could talk to me without feeling hurt or emotional and that he would let me know when that is. I haven’t texted him since he wrote that cause I don’t know what to say. I feel like he is forcing this break up when it’s not what he really feels in his heart because of stating how hard this is for him multiple times. I want to talk to him about it but I don’t think now is a good time. Should I do another no contact and wait for him to contact me or give it a week and try reaching out again?

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 2, 2016 at 12:30 pm

HI Katie,

have you reached out or are you in no contact now?

Valerie

March 6, 2016 at 4:37 pm

Me and my boyfriend were dating for a year but he broke up with me saying “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now.” He says he was thinking about it for a while and he just doesn’t want to date anyone at all. He and I had a pretty much perfect relationship where we always had a good time together and were always laughing and having fun and we had basically everything good that you could ask from a relationship. Back in our early days he was all over me and was clingy and loved texting me, but I was really sort of vague and a little bit distant. He was the one who first contacted me and the one who asked me to date him, but I wasn’t very invested into the relationship at first. But I’ve grown so attached to him and really do want to be with him. During the last few weeks of our relationship, the tables had turned and I’ve been bothering him constantly and being needy and doing basically everything I’m not supposed to do whereas he’s been the vague and distant one who doesn’t talk much. When he broke up with me he said he still wants me in his life because he thinks of me as one of his best friends and even after all of my begging and crying and spamming him with texts all day for about a month and a half he still says he loves me (I’m not sure if that means as a friend or actual love) but he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship and has no intention of getting back together with me. He says he wants to be alone and live alone (which upsets me because we used to always talk about living together). He did say that there is probably a chance of us getting back together but that I shouldn’t put any hopes on it.

I don’t understand what he means by wanting to be single when he and I always have such a good time together and he still compliments me (not as often but enough to clue in to the fact that he is still attracted to me). The night we broke up he said directly to me that I’m the only person he can picture marrying and that he still wants everything else to be the same with me. He has no intention of going out on dates with other women but he still hangs out with his friends all the time. He says he’s thought about it and came to the conclusion that he just likes the idea of being by himself. He says he’s been changing a lot lately. He used to want to get married and have kids eventually but now he really just doesn’t care about any of that anymore. He’s the kind of person who lives in the moment and doesn’t think about the future very much (I’m the exact opposite) so I’m sure the wanting to be by himself thing won’t last forever even though he says he thinks it will but I’m worried I won’t be the one he eventually ends up with.

It’s been about a month and a half so it might be a little too late for the no contact period and I really think it wouldn’t make a difference with him because he doesn’t text people very much anyways. He can go weeks without texting any of his friends so I don’t really think he’d notice. But I’m willing to try anything that you think might work. I do believe that he and I are perfect for each other which is why I’m so determined to get him back. I love him and I want him to be happy and I want him to prioritize himself and his own needs first over anything else but at the same time I just feel like he’s making a big mistake. I’m sure my begging and spamming distanced him a little bit further from wanting to get back together but I still believe that we have a chance. I just don’t know what to do about it. He’s been changing so much lately so I believe that if I sit around and wait for him to make the first moves or contact me first it will never happen.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 7, 2016 at 2:41 pm

It looks like he’s really not into relationships right now if he’s not dating anybody else and not contacting you..

if it’s been a month and a half of no contact, and you’re positive he won’t initiate, you can initiate.. Try Chris’ suggestion of first contact texts.. you can check this blog post Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)

Kris

February 27, 2016 at 5:15 pm

Hey Chris.. Here’s one you’ve probably had 1000 times. I’m sorry!

My ex split up with me 1 month ago, I did everything that you advised not to, e.g. Begging, pleading, being needy & misearable.

That was before I found this website & these fantastic articles. I’m in day 3 of no contact but I’m starting to think I’m forgetting the purpose. I’m doing everything that is advised yet I’m still worrying he won’t contact me at all. I know this is wrong.

We broke up due to arguing too much, we both have things to work on but he is no longer willing to do so, he started off by saying “I’m not sure what I want anymore, I need to be on my own to see if I’m happier that way”. But now he’s saying “I can’t see us getting back together again”. I’m so confused & hurt, what do I do!?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 28, 2016 at 1:16 pm

Hi Kris,

Focus on you.. because whether he contacts you or not, you’ve got to get yourself together.. So, you’re doing this for yourself and getting him bacj would just be an add on to your already better life.. If he wants in it, good, of not that’s alright because you know you tried and now that you already learned how to love yourself more.. You know you deserve someone who will commit

AM

February 25, 2016 at 6:11 am

Hi Chris and Amor,

I have posted a comment on this article earlier and even got the reply from Amor but now I am not able to reply to Amor’s comments.
I have a question regarding long distance relationship.
I completed my nc today but I am yet to get ebr pro and texting Bible yet. It will be another week before I get these books.
My question is, should I wait for the books and extend my nc or should I follow the advice in “getting your ex back in ldr” article and not extend the NC?

Thanks!

AM

March 16, 2016 at 3:17 am

Hi Amor,

I texted my boyfriend today after 45 days of nc. It’s his birthday.
I wished him saying “many happy returns of the day. Have a great year ahead”
Kept it simple.
He replied saying “thank you. Take care. Hope you are doing ok. Do stay in touch if possible.”
Idk what to surmise from this.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 16, 2016 at 8:27 pm

since he said to stay in touch if possible..it means he’s open to texting.. that means you can try to start to build rapport t
in texting
AM

February 25, 2016 at 2:26 pm

Thanks Amor!
I guess I will be more confident once I get those ebooks.
I hope this extension will be good for our relationship.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 25, 2016 at 1:51 pm

hmmm.. sorry about that.. I don’t know why you can’t comment.. I’ll forward it to Chris to check… it depends in how confident or confortable you are.. if you’re more confident once you got the links to the books, then it’s better to wait for it

kathryn

February 22, 2016 at 9:38 pm

i have purchased all your products and done the 30 day no contact rule
basically i have tried to make contact with my ex who broke up after a long term relationship more than 8 years and he broke up with me 4 months ago. i have tried to send a text message to reach out however i still haven’t gotten any response

he has been ignoring me for 4 months at first i was calling and texting a lot then a month ago i did no contact now i don’t know what to do how can i get his attention again when he won’t reply to a text message and has blocked me on Facebook and everywhere else?

[please help me i really need guidance i don’t know what to do or try next? I’m starting to lose confidence in what i have learnt from the pro and everythgin else i have purchased

kathryn

February 25, 2016 at 12:00 pm

do you have any other advice other than wait it out. i was going to wait it out before i purchased this product and i am trying to find an alternate solution to waiting it out. are there any specific text messages or approaches that you think are best to try.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 25, 2016 at 2:18 pm

Try the confession text.. but of course it has to be real and positive..
kathryn

February 24, 2016 at 10:45 pm

i texted him what it says to in the text bible after the no contact rule i texted – hey how are you doing

i left it at that and haven’t received anything
i don’t know if i have to wait this out for 6 months and wait for him to come to me
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 25, 2016 at 12:57 pm

Hmm.. try a week before trying again.. and try on an app that you’re not blocked.. if there’s none.. then try the phone again.. if he doesn’t reply, you probably are blocked.. if so, it’s better to wait until you’re unblocked in the social media apps
kathryn

February 24, 2016 at 3:08 am

well they keep me focused on my goals but i purchased this product to find out how to approach him after 30 or 60 days no contact and if you don’t get a response via text message
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 12:29 pm

Maybe you’re also blocked in phone? If that’s the case you have to wait it out.. what did youbsay in the text last time?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 23, 2016 at 7:11 am

Hi Kathryn,

sorry for the late reply… I reread your other comments.. So basically you’re still blocked right? Does that mean even your phone number? And also, what did your therapists advice you?

Janelle B

February 4, 2016 at 6:35 am

My name is Nell. My boyfriend and I just broke up on Monday (2/1/16). I am almost 29 and he is 46. We were together since August 2014 and were a long distance couple; me being in San Diego and he being in Seattle. I have never been in love more with anyone in my life and I really want to try win him back if I can even though I know the odds are very against my favor.

A quick run down of our relationship prior to it plummeting;

We met once years ago when he band played in my city but never really talked after adding one another on social media. One day he started messaging me all the time and I didn’t think anything of it much. A few months later we ran into each other at a music festival in Vegas and I fell in love at first sight and we were in separable since. We would talk on the phone everyday and used to skype almost daily or a couple times a week in the beginning. We didn’t become official for two months after meeting again. We would see each other only every two- three months generally but we’ve never fought in person or had anything close to it.

We started having problems this last September but prior, we fought a total of maybe 6 times and half being just arguments, not big fights. Most of which were unresolved issues of him not balancing enough time for me when work and his band got really busy, some jealousy, and miscommunication in text. This last July, I got into an argument with a mutual friend I met through him and it upset a lot of people in his social group which caused problems for him. Then a few weeks later, we got into our biggest fight- I thought some girl who blocked me was trying to be sneaky and I asked his best friend about it and it blew up from there. He didn’t talk to me for four days. We started to pick up again and be doing better. A month later he was supposed to leave for a tour for two weeks in Germany and we got into a big fight the day he was to fly out over I thought they were hiding someone in particular being their roadie (a gal pal but not one I had any jealousy over) and he blew up at me, hung up, said it was the last straw and we’re done. I begged him not to and we patched it up. I tried to talk to him a bunch on tour but the different time zones and weak wifi didn’t help. He didn’t tell me he needed that time and space either. He flew back home, there was some coldness. Two weeks later he played some gigs in texas and one of those days we were texting and talking about things. He said he loved me for sure, but was trying to determine if it was enough with the turmoil and some other things. Three weeks later I had a layover in Seattle and asked to get some lunch. He tried to break up with me over lunch and a huge scene broke out. He had told me he’d fallen out of love with me, he hit his last straw, I broke all his deal breakers, he’s checked out, he’s unhappy, we have different needs, and so on. I refused to get out of the car at the airport til he agreed to work it out. That was November 1st. We would talk nearly every day at least a little. He stopped calling me by the cute pet names he would but once every so so he would call me something cute. We often had a lot of long frustrating talks. December came around and there were some downs but mostly decent ups. Everytime discussions got heated I would try calm him down and I made a huge effort to be calm and not overreact like I always did before. Then this January, it was so up and down inconsistently. Over this course so far is asked for time with him but he wouldn’t budge, his crazy work schedule and band recording a new album didn’t help. I would share funny memories, ask what he still loves about me and favorite memories and try to make it light and upbeat as much as I could. The last three weeks started to seem to get better.

Then last Thursday night we had a bad phone call and I was really down on top of my ankle hurting and not being able to sleep. I made the mistake of posting about wanting to take a bunch of pills ( to help relieve my ankle pain and help me sleep. I generally don’t take any pills) and a mutual friend took it as I was going to kill myself and called him and had cops sent to my home. He had a gig to play that Friday night so I didn’t hear much and then the next day was more recording so I didn’t hear much again. Then Sunday, I heard nothing. And Monday he broke up with me. Told me to move on. We’re done completely and if I wish to preserve the friendship that I not talk to him for 30 days. I’m so torn up and hurt over this. We’d never gone three days without speaking and he was my best friend. But over the last two months he started not talking to me as much about issues, he started taking everything I said as an attack, and so on. He’s very stubborn and dead set on not taking a partner back ever- he only gives one chance and that’s it. Said he’s not attracted to me anymore or anything. But I love him too much to give up and just move on so easily. I realize now I didn’t give him the space he needed to be his own person and do his own things, I obsessed when things got bad and inevitably loved us to death.

But my intuition tells me this isn’t supposed to end here. And any other guy, I’d just say screw it- I’m moving on. But he is the most incredible guy I have ever been with and I would give anything for another shot and to show him I can change and meet his needs and be happy again. He’s chatted with a close friend of mine some- saying he never meant to hurt me but feels I’m intentionally doing so and he’s about to block me.

Please, help me if it’s possible. If give anything to work on things again because I know we aren’t the first to go through this and that there is still a connection.

Janelle B

February 6, 2016 at 10:19 pm

What reasoning behind that could there be?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 7, 2016 at 4:37 pm

honestly I don’t know for sure. It has to come from him but maybe that’s he’s gauge of days that he feels he has had enough of space.
Janelle B

February 5, 2016 at 10:29 am

Yes. He said 30 days of no contact if I want to preserve the friendship.

My friend has talked to him some. I hadn’t realized how toxic I had become and how much it affected him. I made his character feel attacked, affected his work, band, friendships and social circle, made him unhappy. I had no idea I had caused so much drama. I never meant to and know I am capable of changing that behavior. I just don’t even know where to start to make things right again, what to do to help win him back. He’s said when he’s done, he’s done. But I can’t just let it go 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 5, 2016 at 11:15 am

Thay can mean he can waitibg for you to contact right after 30 days..
Janelle B

February 4, 2016 at 6:49 am

Our relationship prior to the nose dive has for the most part been very loving, supportive, and strong. I realize where I went wrong in a lot of ways and where I didn’t meet his needs- from drama that spread to his work, band and social life, to so much more. I know I left him pretty damaged and hurt. But I would give anything to spend the rest of my life making it up to him. He’s the man of my dreams and it tears me up to know all this is mostly miscommunication, me panicking, and could’ve been prevented
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 5, 2016 at 5:29 am

He said he wanted 30 days of no contact?

Iris

February 3, 2016 at 9:02 pm

Hi Chris,
My exboyfriend an I were together 9 months back in 2012. I begged him to come back, he said he thinks hies just bot the right guy for me and dont See us back together. Then, a year later, we Start dating again, je has me asked out to gibt in a Date with him. We dated for there months and then he said he doesn’t knows if je can fullfil my dreams and expectations for the Future, so we broke up again, but write each other in facebook like Friends.
I aks him 3 times that we should try it again and shouldn’t give up. He told me I should forgot him and try to search for somebody else, because je have the feel, that he hurt my Feelings, if we get back together (in that Time I was very needy, it was a big mistake).then je had a girlfriend or a Rebound, I dont know, je was 6months together with this girl, and I was dating other guys too. When he broke up with her, I Call him and ask if we go to a coffee, so wie had a little date, in the next weeks I wrote him a lot through whatsapp and he wrote me too, we talk like friends with each other. Then, I make the mistske to aks him to go to a second Date, after that he said no its not a good idea and that he dont want to be in a relationship. I made so many Mistakes, Chris, do you think have a Chance that he chase me again?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 5, 2016 at 4:01 am

Hi Iris,

it looks like you were the chaser most of the time. The benefit of that when you do no contact, is that, he’ll definitely see the change though we can’t assure you that it will certainly get him back, I’m sure he’ll notice the change if you did no contact properly

Confused Caroline

February 3, 2016 at 6:09 am

Hey Amor,

My ex and I have been dating for a year, but have been on and off since our big breakup back in August. Him and I were best friends for two years prior to the start of our relationship. One day, we both realized what strong feelings we had for each other, and fell deep in love after that. Our relationship was perfect, we were lovers and best friends. Spent all day every day together because we genuinely loved each others company. The problems in our relationship stemmed from other people and their desire to get involved. We both worked together at a night club, where he is actually the general manager, and has females flocking to him all the time. While we were together, he had zero interest in any of the girls that threw themselves at him, no matter how tempting they would be. One of the jealous girls were the reason that we broke up, because she fabricated a story about him being unfaithful to me and I selfishly believed it. My family and friends do not like him, not because of the person that he is, but because of the mental and emotional trauma that he put me through after we broke up. Anyway, him and I have tried everything from NC, moving our stuff out of each others apartments, and I even went as far as studying abroad for the semester just to give my head and heart a break. We went NC for a while, but continue to briefly chat about silly topics, and have avoided the topic of our relationship ever since we began NC. Lately, it has been like a game between the two of us. When one of us texts, the other one will purposely take a long time to reply, or be short for no reason. Other times our conversations are great and flowing. He claimed that he has no interest in pursuing other females, but at the same time cannot be in a relationship with me because he doesn’t see it working out, and on top of it he still tells me that he will always love me period, and will always be here for me regardless of how far apart we are. He is so stubborn, and sometimes hard to read. As you can probably tell, I am so confused. I don’t know if I should let go and let God, if I should try one more time, or even go back home to try and reconcile our relationship. Help and advice would be greatly appreciated 🙂

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 3, 2016 at 3:25 pm

Hi confused Caroline,

If he tells you he doesn’t see it working out, does that mean he just wants to stay friends? If so, are you alright with that for the meantime? Or calmly tell him that it’s hurting you to be friends with him. That you’re willing to work things out is he if he’s also willing but of course he has to be fair with you by putting in the same effort. It cannot be just you giving it all in. A relationship takes two to work. If he doesn’t want to commit, you have to decide whether to wait or let it go and let God.

EI

January 30, 2016 at 2:09 am

Hello…I need some advice. So my boyfriend of two years and I broke up December 15th. He dumped me a week after my birthday and less than a week after our two year anniversary. He said at first that he needed space and didnt want a relationship right now. He also said I was too clingy, suffocating and I was taking him away from his friends. I agree that the last few months were spent fighting and arguing. It was defintely unhealthy but I was going through my own stress issues. He said that he couldn’t handle both of our stresses. I kept begging him to take me back all through the weeks of Christmas and New years and a little into January. (I shouldve done no contact I know but I was afraid that would help him move on..) Anyways, fast forward it got to the point where he said we couldnt even be friends and he removed me on all social media. Well two weeks ago, I went home with him to get my gifts back. All of our pictures, letters and gifts were hung up around his room. I gathered everything and prepared to take them with me. He said that they were his gifts and that he wanted to keep them. (Although he said he never wanted anything to do with me?) I felt guilty and we put everything back away. He just put everything back on the walls like before instead of putting them away in a box. He asked if I was okay and told me to go over with him. He hugged me and said everything would be okay, that I would wake up one day and not miss him. He let me lay on his chest and told me to get comfortable. Then I left, I asked for one last kiss and he gave it to me. After that we talked and everything was okay. He has been searching his girl coworkers on his facebook, never adding them but looking at profiles multiple times and their photos. (He left his stuff logged onto mine). He replies to my texts and we say hi to each other when we see each other. Well yesterday, I was dumb and asked if he still had feelings for me and he said not more than friends, at that. And said to get the idea of us getting together again out of my head. That he was tired of living miserably so he decided he’d be better off without me. Well I wished him well. Today he asked why would I still want to be in contact with him if I know it’s not good for me. I said I didnt want to lose him completely. He then said we’re more acquantances than friends in his opinion. That he couldnt just start fresh with me. It hurt. Then he said he’s sorry he’s not comfortable with me but ive wronged him too many times and he doesnt want to feel uncomfortable but he does because I wronged him. As we were getting ready to end the friendship then. I decided to tell him that I had preoreder a gift for him months ago and it was to arrive next month at his house. Just so I wouldnt look crazy when it showed up next month. He said to cancel it but I cant so he asked what he could do to repay me back. I said I didnt want anything and he kept saying if I needed something then I should just tell him. Well I asked for a lunch date but then quickly took it back because I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable at lunch. He said he never disagreed to lunch and to let me know when it would be good for him. I told him to let me know when it works for him since he works a lot. He said it’d have to be a weekend because he has to watch kids after his classes. I said he could choose where to eat and it was left at that. (He’s at work so he hasn’t responded) but I was wondering if I should do no contact for a month and then go on the lunch and hopefully that wipes the slate clean? or changes the negative feelings? I also wanted to build up some attraction on the lunch but was unsure how to. I want to let him know that all Ive done wrong in the past relationship is not me anymore and Id treat him much better this time around. But Im not sure what to do or how to let him know… Thank you!

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 30, 2016 at 3:04 pm

HI El,

Actually you don’t need to treat him much better. YOu already did and he got suffocated but then you continued to chase him. You remained present. He still knows you’re always there. YOu need to treat yourself much better now. I think you need to read what you wrote and contemplate your position in his life.

AM

January 24, 2016 at 11:57 am

Hi Chris,

My story is really long but please bear with it. So here goes…

Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 6 years. We were in the same graduating batch of engineering. We knew each other just as classmates from June, 2007 and it was never more than a hi or hello. In 2010, he really noticed me and asked me out. I was very hesitant because I had never been in a relationship before and nor did he. Once we started going out, it was like an instant connection and we were wondering why we didn’t talk earlier. We never ran out of topics to talk about and we also could not keep our hands off each other. After an year or so, we both realized that we are getting pretty serious about each other and decided to take it further. We told our parents about us and it was decided that as soon as both of us complete studies and get a job, we will get married. Our parents weren’t too keen earlier but when they saw how happy we are with each other, they agreed. We were supposed to get married this year. Like any couple, we had our shares of ups and down. Sometimes we did have serious fights wherein he would say that we shouldn’t be together and then I would get really upset and end up crying and then he would just drop the topic and we would get back to normal. In July, 2015, he had to move to another city because of his job. After he went there, he told me that he got some distance from me and some time to think and realized that he doesn’t love me anymore and that it would be wrong on his part to be with me if he doesn’t love me. I completely freaked out and told him to give our relationship a chance. He was very unsure about his feelings so he continued to be with me. During that time I visited him there and we had a great time together. But every time I chatted him on IMs or spoke to him, I could feel that he had become distant. I asked him to share with me his thoughts and work out things but he said he doesn’t know what to do. Then in September, 2015, he went abroad for his job training for a month. There he grew close to one of his colleagues and ended up kissing her. After he came back, he told me all that had happened and said that he really can’t forgive himself for what he had done. He said if he can do something like this while we still are in a relationship, then we shouldn’t be together at all. I again freaked out and literally begged him saying that this must be that one time thing and he was not in a proper state of mind regarding our relationship and we should continue to work on it. He agreed only for my sake and said he can’t give his 100% for this chance. I again visited him thrice at the other city and we again had a really good time and everything was back to normalcy. Last month, he had come back to our hometown and told me that he’s trying but he’s not happy with me and told me we should break up. I begged him again and almost attempted suicide. Me going to such an extreme was the last straw for him and he said that I just confirmed that we shouldn’t be together. I was a complete mess. He said he can’t be emotionally and intellectually intimate with me and can’t share his thoughts with me. The reason he gave was because I am very emotional and reactive. After that I changed myself for good. He said that he’s glad that our relationship helped me to grow but he can never see me in a different light. He said he cares for me and really want to remain friends with me but he has this kind of mental block that we can never have a future together as husband and wife. He also told me to move on and not wait for him. We are still in contact but just as friends but my feelings for him haven’t changed a bit. It is impossible for me to go on with my life. I am not able to concentrate on anything and I keep crying. I really love this guy and I can do anything to be with him and sincerely be the woman in his life with whom he can be intimate with at all levels. Currently, we both are in separate cities. I am getting desperate day by day and I really want him back. I have signed up for your daily email program and soon I am going to buy your ebook too. I am not sure if my situation is similar to any of that you explain in the books or emails or your website. Currently, I have kept my contact with him to the minimum. He keeps messaging me because my dad recently had a heart attack and keeps asking me how am I doing and how are things going on. I keep my replies very short and don’t let on much because I don’t want to end up begging him to take me back. I understand his situation too and from where he is coming but I am really going through a lot of pain. I never wanted to be with anyone so badly but I feel like I am losing him. I want us to be together again like we were when we were at the epitome of the good days of our relationship and be together and love each other forever.

Thank you

AM

January 30, 2016 at 1:53 pm

Thanks Amor!
Really appreciate your help 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 30, 2016 at 3:06 pm

You’re welcome Am! Thanks too <3
AM

January 29, 2016 at 5:57 pm

Hi Amor,
A week into NC and I am doing well. I have a question once again. I started writing a blog just after my boyfriend broke up with me. Everyone in my mailing list gets an alert every time I write something new and this list includes my boyfriend. I write something every day. So will this be considered as me contacting my boyfriend?
Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 30, 2016 at 1:32 pm

Hmm.. hahahaha clever…. That’s a yes and a no.. because if you know he’s included in the list and you’re talking about him.. It’s like you’re talking to him but for me, blogging is a good way of therapy. So, don’t stop it.

Express your feelings but don’t mention name. Don’t make it like, “You’ve hurt me so much.” If you can remove him in the list for now, remove him because in that way, you would be expressing your feelings more genuinely.
AM

January 26, 2016 at 5:01 pm

Hi Amor & Chris,
Here I am back with more questions!
In one of his emails, Chris speaks about the category in which the break-up falls. From my story that I have shared above, I think my break-up falls into 3 categories simultaneously (General break-up, cheating, LDR). I will explain them as follows:
General break-up: We were together for almost 6 years and it had become monotonous, we didn’t have much to talk about and my boyfriend said I was too emotional for him and doesn’t consider me his equal. My boyfriend rarely opens up and keeps to himself.
Cheating: He became very close to a co-worker during his job training and kissed her (they are no more in contact though) and after that he just gave up on our relationship.
LDR: After he moved to another city (this was after 5 years into relationship), he said he got distance from me and time to think and realized he didn’t love me anymore and was tagging along.
Please help me because I believe I need to be very clear when I prepare my game plan.
Thank you!
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 27, 2016 at 2:44 pm

Work first on the reason that strained the relationship the most. OR the reason that started the other reasons. 🙂
AM

January 25, 2016 at 1:05 pm

Hey Amor!
I am sorry I am asking too many questions but here goes…
My ex is pinging me and asking whether I am happy now that I am not meeting him
This is so confusing
I haven’t replied to him yet
Should I reply at all
Or should I just tell him to gimme some space
In your previous reply you told me that he might have looked at me as someone emotionally dependent on him, he might not have wanted to take the responsibility of my happiness
What do you say I should do?
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 25, 2016 at 2:34 pm

It’s okay! I’m here to help as much as I can. Don’t answer his ping. No contact means not communicating in any form as much as possible. So, that means you don’t tell you need space. Find activities or better if you can hone your passion or just do something that makes you happy apart from him. He’s not the only source of happiness and that’s what he wants to see you doing. Make it the other way around, if you’re his only source of happiness and all he wants is to be with you always, (I’m not saying that’s bad) but if you can’t do anything else, would you be happy if he’s like that? It’s lovely that we’re a big source of happiness for somebody, but to be somebody’s only source of happiness is toxic.
AM

January 25, 2016 at 12:00 pm

Thanks Amor!
I will keep you updated! 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 25, 2016 at 12:13 pm

You’re welcome! Thanks too: 🙂
AM

January 24, 2016 at 6:30 pm

Thanks for your reply Amor!
I have a question regarding no contact rule
I’m hardly a day into NC but my ex pings me on WhatsApp or Hangouts asking how’s my dad and how are things.
Also, he randomly pings me asking if I had messaged him.
Since I wasn’t sure, I replied to him in a word or two and not letting on about how I am.
Should I reply the next time he pings me again?
Also, my ex wants us to remain friends but he said if I am not able to move on while we are friends, we should break the contact completely.
Since the time we broke up, we behaved with each other like how one would interact with acquaintance.
Should I tell him I don’t want to stay in contact for some time or just ignore his calls and texts completely?
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 25, 2016 at 11:30 am

Hmmm, you can tell him but make sure to make your absence productive and that he’ll see it in social media. He’ll stop to contact of course and he may not message ’til the end of your Nc but it’s ok if you’re the one to initiate contact
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 24, 2016 at 12:31 pm

Hi AM

I’m sorry for what happened to your father. I hope he gets well soon. But according to your message, he noticed the change in you but he wants you to move on. It can mean that he noticed that you became less emotional but it didn’t mean that he can truly see that you have really changed. Maybe, he can’t carry the responsibility of being responsible of other people’s happiness. But to tell you the truth, people are more attracted to people who generate their own happiness. We want what we don’t have in our lives. The coworker represents something new that he doesn’t have yet. I am NOT saying he will wabt something bew forever, but what I’m saying is variety is very important especially to a long term relationship.
I want to be honest with you. He has seen you as someone who is dependent on him. I have said this several times in this site. But the process to moving on is also the same process to getting your ex back. You know why? Because when you’re moving on you’re reinventing yourself and then your ex see you in a new light which makes him want to get back to you again. Especially if the reason is because he just got bored out of the relationship. So use this time to grow. Find yourself. And be happy without him. Because true love is not needy of love. It can generate its own and give it to others.

Trish

January 23, 2016 at 9:29 pm

The guy I was dating I knew in school, I had a crush on him 7th-12th, and even the last 15 yrs I have tried to find him, I was too shy in school to ask him out. Anyways one night in oct 2015, I made a ad on craigslist in the love section and he responded! I couldnt believe it n I asked him for pics to make sure. We talked a couple weeks on phone n text, met up on oct 16th for a movie, spent time together the next day then 18th of oct he asked me to be his gf…I said yes, well fast forward to jan 2016, our three month ann was jan 18th and he sent me a text that night saying he thinks he needs a break from dating, that he wasnt ready right now, we talked the next night n he said I wasnt letting him have me time, which is true, I was pretty selfish in wanting him all the time….he ssid he needs time to think bout things n that we said the word love too soon n asked what I wanted,I said I do want an us and that I think we could work on things n try again, he said he agreed and said that hed still be talking to me n wont dissapear….hes been texting alot since that night, has called at night n asked me to sleep on the phone with him like we used to, hes even been here to chill with me, layin extremely close to me as we watched tv, then given me hugs and kisses on the lips…. I told him he can have his space to think and that ill still be here and we can talk, etc and that I do think we r worth another shot and I hope he does too and he says while we not together hes taking the time to think n get things sorted

Now when hes hugged n kissed me since needing space its just the way he did it while we were dating, u can tell he means it and he keeps callin me honey still

Now does he really need time?or am I being stupid really thinking something is there

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 24, 2016 at 2:21 pm

Hmmm.. maybe because he can see that you understand that he needs time and you’re really allowing him, the pressure was lessened. He still needs time for himself. All of us do. Believe me, it feels so good to be with him all the time but it feels better when you’ve done something good alone or with other friends because you build various memories and the best part, he’ll miss and admire you more whenever you’re back.

Jess

January 22, 2016 at 12:26 am

Hi, my ex broke up with me on 1 November after 4 years. He said that he was no longer happy and that we could have continued, but he felt that if we had, that we would probably start hating each other. We did NC for 3 weeks, and started slowly contacting/spending time (we have mutual friends). He recently started going out on dates (rebound) and told me that he didn’t want to go out on dates anymore as it didn’t feel right (something about him being too old, the girls wanting too much, him feeling empty). We have started spending time together as he said that I mean a lot to him and that he doesn’t want to loose me and that we should be friends. I accepted this although I still love him and want him back. I’ve been teaching him how to cook and we’ve been watching movies/playing board games together. We’ve spoken about our break-up and I have told him that I have accepted the break-up, and who knows what the future holds for us. At this comment he got annoyed saying that I shouldn’t think like that, and should just move on – that he doesnt want me to hurt. I have become much more positive since our break-up and he has even commented saying that it’s ironic that I’ve changed after the break-up. I am trying really hard to be positive, there for him and fun, but I’m not sure if its worth pursuing? Do you think I stand a chance?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 23, 2016 at 2:01 pm

Hi Jess,

It should always be for yourself first. all of this depends if you really want to be back but from what I see you do have a chance

Christine

January 20, 2016 at 9:32 am

Hi Chris,

Thank you for all the advice on your website!

My bf broke up with me yesterday because he was tired of our relationship due to constant fighting and some other issues, and he was not happy anymore. He said that when he envisions a future with me, he sees it in a very negative way, full of problems and fights. I understand this and I know that the breakup is mostly my fault, but I’m planning to work on myself and improve very fast, because I want him back and I want to make things work.
Now for my question: We broke up yesterday and he immediately started flirting and hitting on other women. Does that mean he already moved on in his mind? Or do I still have hope of getting him back?
Thank you very much in advance for your reply!

Christine

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 21, 2016 at 11:43 am

Hi Christine,

I don’t think so. He’s just flirting. It may also be his way of coping from the breakup.

Korin

January 18, 2016 at 2:28 pm

Hi Chris,
My situation is a very amicable breakup. We lived together but were both distancing ourselves and eventually just decided that it was time to call it quits. It took us an entire day to talk through the entire relationship and about how much we’ll miss each other and that perhaps down the road we may reconnect later. We both decided that we shouldn’t speak or see each other for three weeks. However now, I am missing him and would like to give it another shot. He has been texting my family about this, and on the first day he said that he hopes we can better ourselves and be happy together one day. A week later (today) he went back to our apartment the day after I moved my belongings out, and told a friend that he misses me and that everything reminds him of me but is afraid that if we get back together, we would just break up again. I also found out that he also read the last journal entry I wrote the day I moved my things out (I guess I forgot it at the apartment), and he told my sister that he wants me to know that he’s proud of me. However, he also wrote that getting back together within a month won’t do much other than show that we missed each other, and that if we are meant to be, then we will be able to go out there and see if our relationship was the best thing. I want to know if there is any chance of getting back together with him, or should I just completely move on?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2016 at 8:22 pm

Hi korin,
honestly it depends if u want to get back with him, then it doesn’t matter the chances are low , as long as try. But I think you have a good chance here. Go with 30 days NC, he said it himself, less than a month will not do.

Barbora

January 15, 2016 at 12:20 pm

Hi,

I am not sure if I fit into the classic scheme… I was with my boyfriend for 5 years, we lived together 2 years. He started to talk about home reconstruction because of we may have a baby. Than we both had hard time in our jobs for 4 months. Than out of nothing, he came home and told me, that he feels something is wrong, he can not name it, but he is so scared of the commitment – weding and everything, that our friends and family used to ask us about. He said he does not know what he feels now and need some time to think if he want to stay with me… He is not sure if this is how its supposed to be like after 5 years, that its like being with a good friend – I am his first girlfriend… After two weeks, when I was devastated, he told me, that when he sees how hurtfull it is to me, he wants me to take it as a brakeup, because he doesnt know how much time he will need a he is not sure what the final decision will be and he does not want me to suffer in such pain anymore… I tried to ask him, if there was something I did the wrong way, and he told me, that those were just small things, but he didnt want to brag them out, but they all together turned into huge issue for him later and he is not sure if he wants to solve them, as it seems impossible..
This was before christmas – on 22nd he wrote me if he can take some stuff out of our flat next day. I told him, that he can go there, but I wont be there, as I think it is not really nice to do it one day before christmas. He did not show up, than he had birthday, so I just politely wished him all good, than I got birthday and he texted me about the same. We were supposed to meet at work seminaire, but he did not show up and when I told him, that I thought that we can discuss work issues as friends, he texted me, he likes, that I take it that way, but he is not sure if he would be ok… I dont know if that means he still have feelings for me, and he misses me, or if he is over and is just scared of the confrontation… Do you think it is possible that we could get back again? He is really sensitive and I am not sure if e.g. no contact rule would not scare him too much..
Thank you for your reply

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 15, 2016 at 4:07 pm

Hi Barbora,

You have been very nice to him by trying to communicate, giving him space and not getting angry at him. Even trying to take note that he is sensitive with the NC rule even if he’s the one that asked that he needs to figure things out. But because of what’s happening, NC period can help you both think. We can’t guarantee you’ll be back together for sure but the NC period can increase the chances. If he really wants to talk, he will. You’ve been so understanding and open to him. I think he knows that and won’t be afraid to approach you again once he’s ready. While in the NC period, work on yourself and think what were the small things that actually piled up that you think lead to this break up but also keep in mind, that a relationship takes two people work. It’s not just you. He has to make adjustments too.

Kay

January 2, 2016 at 8:52 pm

Hi Chris,

I broke up with my LD boyfriend 6 months ago. We spoke amicably for 3 months until I realized I wanted him back. I wrote him a letter explaining my actions and that I wanted to be together again. He simply said he no longer has feelings for me. I asked him if there were specific reasons or he sees me fitting into his life differently—he said he just didn’t feel the same. I asked him if he thought we would never be together again to tell me and let me off the hook. He said he couldn’t say that because he didn’t know.

For three months I didn’t speak to him until this Christmas. He contacted me for coffee and decided to go. He asked me if I had anymore questions about the breakup so I asked for clarification again about how his feelings just stopped. I believe there are usually reasons even if they’re hard to hear. He reiterated that he just doesn’t feel the same. I told him that makes me think he hasn’t actually thought about this feelings—he admitted that was true. He said again that he doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me. I asked if that means ever and he said “I don’t know, I can’t actually say that because I don’t know what will happen.” I understand he can’t actually tell me the future but he’s taking a hard line and then back pedalling.

What can I make of this? Do I leave him be?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 19, 2016 at 10:44 am

Hi Kay,

Honestly, I think he doesn’t want to close all doors. If he had said there is no chance, would you have felt better with that answer? Take his answer as an opportunity to start over things but don’t push it to get back together in haste. Do it like he does. Invite him, go out and just have fun.

Erin

January 2, 2016 at 4:25 am

Hi Chris. My ex broke up with me just before xmas after 6 months, we were due to spend the holidays together. My family and friends (who haven’t met him as I live abroad) are furious that he has broken my heart again, as this was the second break up for us. It took a few months of dating to get to the relationship stage and during our first go, he told me had little trust in women due to being cheated on in all previous relationships so I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. He seemed so sure about us when he came to his decision to be with me seriously, but after only a month he ended it due to some family issues that arose and also his own reluctance to be in a relationship. I knew he wasn’t doing it for lack of feelings for me and told him he was throwing something really good away, I was completely heart broken as I had started to fall for him. In the 3 months we were apart, I managed to pick myself up after someone told me I had to feel good for him to come back and that happened. He was very regretful, said I had been right, that he’d overcome his difficulties and was so sorry he broke my heart and told me he wanted to make a life with me and asked me to move to the town where he’s living, which is 3 hours from where I reside for work. I’m in my mid-thirties and he’s early thirties.

I wanted to, felt like it was a dream come true, but due to my work visa situation, I only had 6 months left on my visa and I had to find a company to sponsor me, so I put all my effort into job searching in his town. In the meantime things were great, I traveled to see him every weekend, he was so different from before, open and loving and he told me his house was my home too and I slowly started to bring things in. Due to his towns’ remote location, I wasn’t successful in getting a job and work visa but my current employer offered me one, I told them only if they would allow me to work from home one day a week and ran this by my boyfriend. He was disappointed I wasn’t moving up there full time, but the reality was we weren’t going to get married for a visa and this was the only way for me to stay in the country so he said he was onboard. I knew it had upset him I didn’t move to his town, and for my part I really didn’t want to stay in my town and job, I wanted to live with him and make this life he’d proposed, I knew the distance was becoming hard for both of us. Then he started to get worried that I was only there for him and didn’t want me to ‘put all my eggs in his basket.’ That didn’t make me feel too secure and a couple of times my insecurity manifested itself into me acting difficult on a few occasions. Things that I thought were small overall as 95% of our relationship was great, fun, easygoing, romantic, passionate. We only fought a couple of times and they were resolved sameday but one weekend he was in an awful mood and stressed about all the changes he was making and got mad at me for something small that blew up into a huge fight. Mostly me crying and him angry and mad and throwing back all these things that I thought were little in my face. Just the week before this fight we were talking about my time off at xmas sorting out my time to work from home, as we both wanted to be together more. But that fight he froze me out, didn’t take my calls for days or respond to messages as I was trying to make up, then I got a message saying he had no right to get so mad and he doesn’t think he’s suited to a relationship and thinks we should take a break. I was shocked, admit I reacted with a desperate message and the next day composed a more thought out message, to which he replied that he knows I must be so frustrated and he gets angry at the smallest things then feels awful and just needs some time to breathe. We talked that night and then 3 weeks went by with no contact. I admit I didn’t handle this period well, being in limbo seemingly out of nowhere led me into anxiety and tears, Having been through this with him before, I knew it was best to leave him alone, but as we neared xmas, I decided I needed to know. I called him and he was very formal with me, told me he’d just got a job in the town where i live and was there to sign a contract, he asked how I had felt that past 3 weeks and I told him I missed him in my life, told him I had been thinking of going home for xmas, nothing had changed with me wanting to spend the holidays with him but I didn’t know where things stood. He said he’d call me in a couple days as he had a lot on the next couple of days and I felt put off again, wondering what he’d say. He didn’t call, eventually I had to reach out to him the next day and when he talked he was very detached, didn’t bring up anything with us and let me go when a friend showed up, said we’d have to talk in the morning. I felt that he was purposely treating me bad and punishing me for something, The next day we did talk and I laid my cards on the table about wanting to make a life with him, that we can now do this properly with his new job, apologized for the times i was difficult, and his response was he doesn’t think he feels the same, thinks we should go our separate ways and break up. And he then brought up these little things again, thought I didn’t engage enough in trying to move in with him, thought I didn’t call enough and he felt like he was doing all the chasing and he’s a romantic and wanted that from me so our effort was 50/50 (but neglects the fact I was the one who traveled to see him every weekend), how the times I was difficult made him feel and he has a hard time dealing with emotions and that just made it worse, I apologized and said that only happened a couple of times he knows that wasn’t a representation of us and me. He went back to saying he’s not suited to a relationship and wants to be alone, said he’s in a different headspace than he was the first time he broke up with me, and hinted at not coming back to me this time, as last time we hadn’t had enough time together and he wondered what he’d given up and this time we’d had proper time together. Like he knows what he needs to know about us now, though I don’t really see that 6 months is proper time together, we had a lot of external pressures to deal with re: work and visas with me not from there, and now here we are with a completely unexpected chance to finally live together and build this life that he said he wanted with his new job and he says we should go our separate ways.

I haven’t been as bad as I was the first time around, that was pure heartbreak and this is more being hurt by his words and actions, and still in shock that everything went so bad from a fight and how he froze me out. To bring up these faults of mine and negative things as a means to break up, it just seems so spiteful and petty. All he used our break for was to twist things around in his head to make me the bad guy, it’s like our whole really good relationship 95% of the time means nothing and doesn’t even factor in his decision. He said he knows it will be really hard for me but he has to think about himself. I felt like I hardly knew that guy on the phone, I had these plans to move my life forward with him and feel panicked and so sad at what lays ahead without him. We are 2 weeks with NC, does this sound like a hopeless situation, where he’s just checked out? Or is there any hope in recovering this? I’m not sure 30 days of NC will even be enough, or that the recommended texts will work with him. I’ve had good loving relationships in the past where I was treated well and I know this behaviour isn’t ok with me, that right now I need to focus on getting myself back as this ordeal has really knocked me. I feel angry and hurt, but I really believed this guy was my future and it took me till this time in my life to find that so I don’t want to walk away from all the possibilities of what could be….unless it’s hopeless and I’m wasting my time….

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 19, 2016 at 11:46 am

HI Erin,

From what I see, you know at the back of your head what I”m about to say because you said it yourself. He’s just plain selfish to be honest or you were too available. It’s actually the other way around what he was saying. You are right, you did all the work since the beginning of the relationship. He actually confirmed it when he said you were putting all your eggs in his basket.
I think there’s a good chance he will notice you, once you do a 180 turn around or appear to be more independent but as you said, you were treated better by other guys before. Not like this. He’s working in your town right now, then why hasn’t he offered that when you can’t find a job in his town.
I can’t guarantee you’ll get him back for sure but with what he’s shown, there’s a good chance of a chase if you become the ungettable girl. And I hope if you do reach that stage, it would be real. It would be you gets to call the shots and you get to value yourself more.

Ana

December 28, 2015 at 5:05 pm

When he broke up with me said he said he was serious and it was his final decision. He broke up with me because he thought he was unable to make me happy. In the few last days we were arguing more and I know I nagged him. We were together for 2 years. When he was breaking up with me I kind of begged him not to go. After he calmed down the next day, he said he won’t stop loving me but he still thought it was better if we were not together. I know it was hard for him to let go and I’m sure he is hurting right now because we were so close. Do you think there is a chance he will change his mind even after making such a hard decision?

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