Today we’re going to talk about exactly when an ex will reach out to you and by the end of this article, I’m literally going to show you an exact time frame for when this is most likely to occur.

How did I come up with this time frame?

Well, I really homed in on the following things.

• Learning About The Biggest Misconception Of The No Contact Rule
• Used The Relationship Death Wheel (Again) To Prove My Point
• Came Up With An Average Time Frame In Which Exes Reach Out (Using My Own Data)
• Took A Look At Outside Sources To Check My Work

All in all, I think this is going to be one of the very best articles on this topic in the world.

Let’s begin!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

The Biggest Misconception About The No Contact Rule

No matter who you talk to in the breakup space you are bound to hear about the importance of the no contact rule. In fact, those who peddle the no contact rule are always quick to point out,

“That no contact will increase the likelihood of an ex to contact you during it.”

And for some clients we certainly see that’s the case,

Yet according to our research situations like this are often exceptions to the rule. So, what’s the rule? Well, a few years ago I ran this poll in our private facebook support group,

It clearly showed that most exes don’t reach out to you during no contact but rather after it. In reality, most of our clients had to reach out to their exes first.

Why?

Well, I believe it’s all wrapped up into their attachment style.

Introducing The Death Wheel (Again)

Most of our clients have admitted that they believe their ex partners attachment style are avoidant.

Avoidant individuals tend to be very individualistic. They enjoy independence and obviously relationships threaten that so assuming they break up with you they actually will initially enjoy the time apart.

One of my favorite resources on avoidant attachment styles, Free To Attach, lovingly refers to this concept as “Separation Elation.”

After a relationship ends, people with an avoidant attachment style tend not to show much anxiety or distress, often feeling an initial sense of relief at the relinquishing of obligations and the sense that they are regaining their self-identity, and not tending to initially miss their partner – this is “separation elation” as the pressure to connect is gone.

THIS is probably why you aren’t hearing from them during a no contact rule because often you are implementing a no contact rule immediately after a breakup because they are in the midst of that “separation elation.”

But let’s take things a step further. I’d like to map out the entire life and death of a relationship for an avoidant so you can see the stages they experience from their perspective.

Say hello to the “death cycle wheel.”

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Now, if you’ve watched my YouTube channel or read my articles on this website this graphic won’t be anything new to you and neither will its stages.

1. They want someone to love them
2. They find someone who they think is the new person
3. Then they start to notice some worrying things about that new person (usually any type of insecure attachment behaviors)
4. They start contemplating leaving
5. They decide to actually leave
6. They are happy they left
7. Then they feel lonely
8. Then they feel sad that they can’t ever find the right person

But the one thing I’ve never done is use real life data to show you how long each of these stages will last but figuring that out is a bit difficult because I only have half the equation.

I know what the average success story time frame is within my system.

Our Average Success Story Timeframe For Our Clients Occurs Approximately 5.2 Months After They Begin Working With Us

But I don’t know how long on average most of our clients relationships with their exes lasted.

Soo… me being me I decided to go out and acquire it.

I went to my Private Facebook Support Group of over 7,500 members, each going through a breakup and asked the following question,

“How long was your relationship with your ex before you broke up?”

Over 75 people responded to my little impromptu poll and the results were fascinating.

I’ll save you the annoying part of having to list it all out (though if you’d like me to go back and re-edit this article to include each of the answers I’ll be happy to. Just comment below.)

So, after spending the better part of twenty minutes adding up all their answers “in months” and averaging them together I got the following answer,

The average time our clients were with their exes was 46 months (almost four years) with a high of 288 months (24 years) and a low of 1 month

I have to say this was quite a bit higher than I was expecting. Really, I think the answers got skewed by some of the outliers. After all, 24 years together tends to push the average quite a ways up.

So, after digging a bit deeper I found a pretty good range that I felt like was more realistic.

Our most common answer fell between 9 – 12 months.

So, I’d actually like to chart what many of these 9 – 12 month relationships look like on the the death wheel.

First we’ll divide the wheel into two halves,

So, the right half of the wheel takes place in the relationship and the left half after it. Each one of the stages takes a certain amount of time to unfold. Let’s take a look at that now and use a 10 month relationship as a starting point.

Stage one which I’ve highlighted in a light green is what I call the honeymoon period. This encompasses the first two stages of the wheel.

1. I want someone to love me

2. I found someone my troubles are over

Now, the honeymoon period is subject to change depending on how long the relationship is but on average in a ten-month long relationship it’s going to last about six months.

This leads us to our next stage which I’ve highlighted in a slightly darker green. I call this the anxious trigger stage and it encapsules this part of the wheel,

3. I’m noticing some worrying things…

This is the part of the wheel where your ex, assuming they are avoidant, notices trigger points that set them off. Usually this is an avoidant getting triggered by “anxious attachment style traits. On average we see this cropping up between months seven or eight.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Next up we have, in the ugly green (I don’t know of a better way of describing it.) (EDIT: Vomit green) we have what I called the avoidant trigger stage.

It encapsulates,

4. I’m thinking of leaving

Finally, your exes avoidant side comes out to play. They’ve been triggered and look to leave/avoid. This will generally happen around months eight and nine from the outset of the relationship.

And it’s now that we transition from the pre breakup period to the post breakup period.

The yellow stage I’ve taken two elements and combined them. It’s usually during these phases,

5. I’ve decided to leave the relationship

6. I’m so happy I left the relationship

That the no contact rule is engaged, and your ex is going through that separation elation we were talking about earlier. This is going to happen throughout month 10 through month 11 of the beginning of your relationship.

Next up we have the orange stage,

7. I’m starting to feel kind of lonely.

Essentially depression begins to kick in. Being alone isn’t as great as they thought. You’ll see this happen around month 12 – 13 from when they first started dating you.

We have seen some evidence of exes reaching out during this stage but on a whole it’s not until they hit rock bottom that they’ll reach out and that comes with the next stage.

Nevertheless, I will go on record and say it is possible they can reach out to you during this stage but more often than not it’ll be the next stage.

The red stage, also known as the nostalgia stage,

8. Why can’t I ever find the right person?

This will usually happen around 14 months from when you first started dating them and about 4 months after the breakup occurred. This is when your ex begins to get nostalgia based on your relationship. They start to fantasize about what it was like to be together and can fall victim to reaching out to you.

Notice how this doesn’t quite line up with our average success story time frame.

Why?

Well, we are just looking at when an ex reaches out. Having them reach out is only the first step to a long process of having them come back.

So, when it boils down to it when is an ex likely to reach out to you?

On Average How Long Does It Take For An Ex To Reach Out To You?

It’s important to bear in mind that every situation is unique and I’m just pulling from the data I’ve collected which admitedly isn’t as comprehensive as I’d like it to be.

Generally speaking I believe you can expect an ex to reach out to you anywhere between 90-120 days after a breakup.

But that number seemed high. It bugged me. So, I decided to cross reference it with data I found from forums online.

Specifically Reddit and Quora.

Luckily, there were people asking the exact question we are trying to answer here, here, and here.

I ended up taking all of the answers which ranged from as low as one after the breakup to as high as 8 years

With the average being,

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

866 days

So, even higher apparently for folks not using the program. I suppose the avoidant thing really does hold true.

This all just proves the point I’ve been making for years which is that people should get over the “who contacts who” first question.

What matters isn’t who starts the conversation. It’s who ends it.