I Haven't Talked To My Ex Boyfriend In A Long Time, Can I Get Him Back?

144 thoughts on “If You Haven’t Talked To Your Ex Boyfriend In A Long Time Here’s What You Do…”

Margaret

October 6, 2016 at 1:04 pm

I am contemplating contacting an ex after 3 years of no contact because he was in a new relationship. They ended up getting married and I thought he was happy and off the market for good. I found out this week that he has been unhappy for sometime and is going through a divorce now. I just found out a few days ago from a common friend. I can’t stop thinking about him and how I should approach the situation. It is likely that he will suspect I know about the divorce because if the friend he reached out to and told. I want to wait a few months before I contact him but it is currently on my mind non stop. I want to do everything I can to restart a friendship and a relationship. This is long distance as well.

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 9, 2016 at 11:37 am

Hi Margaret

for me, now is not the right time.. let him heal and go through the divorce independently, because if you come in his life right now, you might end up being a rebound

A

October 6, 2016 at 12:37 am

Hi I posted on this about 5 months ago when my ex and I broke up then he was vying for my attention. And it’s been 5 months we hadn’t spoken honestly I thought I was better off. I had a massive break down on Monday basically from bottling up all my emotions so I let him have at it. I came down on him pretty hard because I had been trying to be the sane ungettable girl and being coy but I was ready to move on now but I couldn’t do it without nuking that last relationship into a hole in the ground. So then he replied (surprised) since i outlined all the times he had made me feel uncomfortable in classes and everything – I just let him have it. Then crazily enough after those text messages I ran into him on the bus the next morning so I went up to him and I thought I wanted him back so I said so. We went and grabbed a coffee after not having spoken in 5 months. While I had been dating I had not been intimate with any other guys. I found out according to him “to satisfy his own ego” he had tried to sleep with a girl but apparently hadn’t been able to get it up. I don’t believe this for a second. But it’s kind of a deal breaker for me. I mean I’m so hesitant about who I let into my damn temple. And because he had low self esteem he thought he would humiliate me and embarrass me in front of our friends and family by trying to get this girl simply because he wanted to prove “he still had it”. No eff that! Like I can’t even believe that he couldnt get it up apparently she didnt stay over and went home. But he had basically had 3 dates with her – 1 where he had a 10min coffee date, a 2nd movie date where he made a move on her, and a 3rd where he tried to have drunk sex with her. Now he’s like oh now im sure there is no one else. And these last 5 months have been autonomous for me and when i saw you on the bus you just awakened me. He wants to get to know me again and go out on Saturday for a bit of a long drive to the coast. Honestly, I feel pretty embarrassed especially now that he is on anti depressants. I never got along with his family but apparently now he is happy to disengage completely from them because he realized his new step dad is an absolute racist and has his mom’s ear which is why our relationship completely went to shit in the last year. So he wants to keep me out of his family circle, he wants me to accept that he regrets almost sleeping with another woman to satisfy his ego and self esteem. We dated for 2 years and were apart for 5 months. He says his self esteem was so bad when we broke up and he’s doing like 3 hours or exercise a day and eating healthy so he feels better about himself. How did this turn into me wanting him back to him calling me and spending 3 hours on the phone trying to convince me to take him back I will never know. I guess I’m a bit of a gem now, and he’s just a pebble.

A

October 12, 2016 at 11:32 pm

I will shoot them through! Also, I’ve spent a bit more time with my ex.
He keeps saying I’m a bad person – like I’m not a good person.
I think he’s bringing me down.
It’s like when parents keep telling you that you’re ugly, or that you have “bad character” or whatever like none of that shit is very helpful because they made you – you’re actually a reflection of them. So when they keep saying it – you become it. My ex keeps telling me I’m a bad person “like him”.
I spent the last 5 months working really hard on myself, I hung out with a lot of different people from all walks of life and I really let myself fall and feel compassion and empathy because my ex did leave me all alone and I was in a different state where I had no friends or family. I basically went out and made friends and a raving social life and built support. I’ve met older people – and younger people, helped people and asked for wise advice and mentorship. I landed a career mentor of my dreams who turned out to be excellent because the skills he was teaching me were applicable to all areas of my life – like negotiation skills and critical thinking etc. My parents weren’t all that great growing up so I am estranged and have been for 10 years now.
My ex keeps asking for “proof” that all these guys wanted me but that I “picked” him. He says he wants to know that he won or some bullshit. He’s reverting back to some old habits that I don’t find too appealing – yesterday he basically got super hyper and clingy and wouldn’t do his work in class and wanted to go to the gardens and spend an hour there. I said no. I have to do work. I had to force him to go watch the football game and beers with the boys because he kept saying shit like “I wish I could spend all night with you again”. It’s a combination of that and the abuse really – out of the 50 or so people that I met in the last 5 months coming back to my ex and having him say I’m a bad person when none of all these other people thought so is sort of a blow to my self esteem. I can’t help but think he has to go. I won’t be that person I was 5 months ago. I would be happy to lose someone who would push me down.
A

October 9, 2016 at 6:43 am

Yeah, I’ve decided to give him another chance and it’s so weird. Get this. He watched a movie with her on this blue couch at his house. I of course was like wtf. I want you to burn that couch! I’m not going anywhere near it. Except the couch belongs to his room mates so he didn’t have any say in getting rid of it. This morning when I went over to his house his room mates happened to be throwing out the couch – just out of pure coincidence. Is it just me or is everything falling into place to make me happy in this relationship right now? I laughed so hard … because I hadn’t said anything out loud about wanting the couch gone because it sounds CRAZY of course. He does seem more devoted. I woke up this morning and he was holding me and watching me sleep – he said he spent the last 5 months holding a pillow wishing it was me – yeah he’s a bit sensitive. He seems more devoted – he wants to make me happy. But yeah I improved and I’m happy – he got his black belt in the mean time and got better grades – I made lots of friends and got a raving social life. I told him I maintained when we broke up that the next guy I dated would be the one – that would be it, so while i figure out I guess if now he’s good enough for me, he’s like “A … you need to actually let ME marry YOU” I think this ungettable thing actually works. I think I’m going to keep being ungettable till he puts a ring on it. Fuheva chasing. I need to show you guys my transformation- is there an email I can send pics to? Testimonial time!
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 10, 2016 at 10:18 pm

fuheva chasing? lol! Well, the most important is, you don’t lose yourself in a relationship.. Even when you get married. It doesn’t mean you have to let him chase forever but it does mean, both of you know that if you don’t take time for each other, or take time alone, and if you don’t take care of the relationship, you would lose it..

Just enjoy every moment with him, and when you’re not, enjoy that moment for yourself. Don’t stop growing.

We would love your progress pics 🙂 You can send it to [email protected] Thank you!
A

October 6, 2016 at 12:43 am

Oh yeah I really needed help with this part like how is it possible after waiting for this person for 5 months … I find out there was someone else in between and I don’t want them anymore? What do normal people do? do they just make a decision – accept it and move on? I keep saying I need contingency. I need him to give up something for this to be worth my while. I mean I could just sleep with someone but I’m not sure that would make me happy or forgive this. I mean while I was dealing listening to emo music and breaking down on the treadmills at the gym he was out there trying to sleep with some other girl. I find that so disrespectful.
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 7, 2016 at 4:34 pm

Hi A,

your improvements basically helped you move on.. so, the question is, do you want to give him a chance or not? Well, for me, his actions were out of being sad.. Yes, it was a mistake but I think his actions now prove that he’s more attracted to you than the other girl and that he still has feelings for you..

Donna

October 4, 2016 at 8:30 pm

Hi Amor,

I’ve gone a little over 30 days of no contact so far, and I received a “like” on a tweet from my ex on Twitter via his secret account (the jury is still out whether or not it’s really him, but my friend assures me that it is him).

I’m thinking about repling to him in a private message, but I’m a bit scared to make the first move. He still has me blocked on his main account, and I really want to gain a good rapport with him. I really need some guidance and help here!

Donna

October 13, 2016 at 3:08 pm

Hi Amor,
Update here: I did find his Facebook page. He isn’t allowing anyone to friend him, but he did friend his gf and he still has his status as “divorced” from his previous marriage. I snooped around and he is still friends with his exfiance’s family. So I’m thinking my suspecions are right that this gf is a rebound.
That said, I might still have a chance here. I’m just afraid that if I sent him a private message that he might just block me on Facbook as well. But we were never friends on Facebook before and as Chris said before, I really don’t have anything to loose. Right?
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 13, 2016 at 7:12 pm

Right 🙂 Go for it! Just don’t send a first text about your feelings, relationships, nor about his facebook
Donna

October 11, 2016 at 5:42 pm

Ok, I’ll try that Amor. Any other form of contact would have to be in a public comment/tweet, and I don’t think a first contact message was meant to be in public, but private. I feel comfortable enough to ask him in the role play account in a private message. So I will wait another week when I will have reached 45 days. In the mean time, I’ll take another look at Chris’s articles about the perfect first message.
Donna

October 9, 2016 at 6:36 pm

Well, that private account is actually a role playing account, and a few of our mutual friends have told me that it really is him hiding behind a “character.” I have never flirted with the private account and I don’t plan to.

Besides that, how am I supposed to interact with him solely on his real account if he has me blocked? Do I just stay silent using the no contact rule for an infinite amount of time until he unblocks me?
It’s been over 30 days so far of no contact, and I think I’ve been doing pretty good so far working on myself. Should I just keep no contact going or open up a new Twitter account hoping he will respond eventually?
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 11, 2016 at 9:04 am

that’s good that you didn’t.. if you’re still blocked now, extend for another week, and then use any other form aside from the role playing account. If there is really no other way, then be candid in asking him through that role account..

Like, “I don’t know, if this you (name) but it would really be nice if this is you. Just want to say(and then insert the first contact message.)
Donna

October 7, 2016 at 1:45 am

Yes, in the private account. So should I go another 30 days? If he is testing me, I wonder for how long he is expecting me to go along with this test and stay quiet. 30 days? 90 days?

I feel like I’m treading on thin ice with him any time I wrote him a message in the past. Thankfully, I found out that reason why he blocked me was not entirely my fault (I won’t go into the dirty details, but it’s amazing the amount of damage a jealous woman can do). I just really hope that eventually, some day, I can get this all cleared up and gain his trust fully again.

By the way, I tried to send Chris another email on [email protected] yesterday, so hopefully I will eventually get a reply.
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 9, 2016 at 4:49 pm

dont interact in that account because of it’s a test to see if you’re going to flirt somebody you dont know, then he might use that against you.. if you are going to talk to him, talk to him in his real account..
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 6, 2016 at 9:41 pm

You mean reply in the private account? Nope, don’t do that.. First, you’re not sure if it’s really him. Second if it’s him, he might use it as a test for you.

Samantha

October 2, 2016 at 11:00 pm

Hi! My ex and I broke up 3 months ago. We dated around 2 years, we were really close, but somehow the last few months of our relationship were full of silly (but big) fights.

In one of these fights, I told him I was overwhelmed by all the arguing, that I wanted to be alone. A week after, I called him to fix things, but he was different and told me he didn’t wanted to be with me anymore. We met a few days later to give each other our stuff and we ended up in great terms. He even told me he doesn’t discredit getting back together in a future.

After that, I haven’t heard from him a lot. I tried to talk to him, but he wasn’t interested in talking to me. Last time I spoke to him, I told him I was really sad, and he tried to cheer me up, to encourage me to work on myself and be happy on my own, but after a while he told me he was occupied and he had to hang up. That was about a month ago, he never called again.

I don’t know how to reach out to him so that he could respond. I’ve been working on myself, and I’m sure I’m happy with my current situation, but I really miss him, he was my best friend. I don’t know what’s happened to him, I’m sure he isn’t in another relationship. Maybe he’s going out on a few dates, but nothing to worry about, I know him well and he doesn’t take many girls seriously. So I don’t understand how quickly he lost interest in me.

I hope you can help me. Should I wait? Should I call it quits? Of if there’s still a chance, what should I say?

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 5, 2016 at 7:04 pm

Hi Samantha,
you said you broke up 3 months ago, I don’t think he moved on that quickly if he broke up with you 3 months ago. If he sees you now, would he think you have moved on? Will he be comfortable enough to be friends with you again? Would he be attracted to you?

Hopefull

October 2, 2016 at 10:12 am

Hi,
I’ve spoken to you before about my situation but I’m just going to summarize some points again.
My ex and I, have been dating for almost 4 years, and spent last year living together. We had our ups and downs, but last 2 months of us living together were very good. We finally got hold of the whole living together thing. Due to circumstances we decided to move apart for some time but planned on seeing each-other just as we were before. He moved out, all was good and 2 weeks after, he came back and broke up with me out of nowhere.

You recommended that I did 45 days NK, so that’s what I did. I took it all to heart, started new sport, got haircut, lost some weight and all of that. Because of problems with landlord I had to contact him before the 45days, think it was like 37 days or so. We even had a short conversation on the phone but talked mostly about the deposit problem. After that we had no contact. I tried contacting him about week after that and got a neutral response, although he took a day to answer. After that I send another text but he didn’t answer. It’s going to be 10days since I sent that text and still no answer.

I’m loosing hope now, and I know it is not helping me as I am afraid to reach out again because I don’t want to be ignored again and I don’t want to feel desperate texting him again after he ignored me the first time. I know that Chris talks about the interesting story but nothing so interesting happens to me. I am a bit confused about the creating the whole text thing. I read the Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO etc but it doesn’t really say what to do when you get no reply..

What can I do to increase my chances? Can I send a text that links to funny memory of us or should I keep away from reminding him of us? I am aware that it has been 55 days since our break up and our last real conversation, so I’m really worried that it is too late. I know I sound desperate but I’m just trying to increase my chances..

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 4, 2016 at 8:42 pm

Hi Hopeful,

if you got a neutral response, wait a week before trying again.. if he still ignores you, wait two weeks before trying again..if he still ignores you after that then it’s better to move on..

the topic should be something he loves talking about.. not about your life. something that he’s interested in

Nana

September 30, 2016 at 2:51 pm

hi there,
I dated a guy (the love of my life) for about year+.. 5 years ago.. (yeah long time ago I know).. he was studying abroad..
I texted him five months ago.. congratulating him on finishing his studies and passing the entrance exam.. he responded in a VERY positive way.. and kept asking me what I was up to.. and for the following month he used to initiate the conversations (messages).. sometimes he was wishing me the best.. and wishing me luck finding the suitable guy for me.. but then again he would start flirting and complementing me.. saying how charming my photos are.. and that I fit for being a model etc.. he even suggested twice meeting me to catch up and “say hello”.. but didn’t actually set a date.. kept it open.. so I tried to speed things up.. by doing a stupid move.. I told him we must talk for I am disappointed of him for doing something that I just heard about (something he did years ago)… so he got defenseve again.. saying that people move on.. we shouldn’t stick to old issues, blaming, head aches…and that he didn’t promise me anything.. he got really mad.. I didn’t answer..
I disappeared for three months.. then went where he works (I go there almost once a month for other reasons)… I sent him a message saying that I heard he was working there and (by the way he works together with the guy I dated after him.. and almost got engaged to)… I suggested me going there.. to say hello to him.. first he loved the idea and agreed.. but the next day when I was there and told him that I prefer if he comes down (so that I won’t see the other guy).. he said he couldn’t.. and that he was busy! (took him a while to answer)
last month I went up there.. found as excuse.. he was working.. he was surprised to see me (last time we saw each other was two years ago).. I acted as if I didn’t see him.. other guys came to me asking if they could help me.. (I am very attractive btw :$ :D)..he came to me to say hello.. he was very nice.. complemented me (and my body..) we stood there.. talked for about few minutes.. I didn’t show how eager I was to see him.. the opposite I played it very cool (maybe too cold).. and then patted his shoulder saying “I don’t wanna bother you knowing how precious your time at work is to you” (with a sarcastic smile and look) ….. stayed for a few minutes talking to some other guy at the same department then left without saying goodbye.
next week I’m going there again… and God I love him.. I dunno wether I should try and see him again “by coincidence”.. or do anything or just wait for him to initiate things again!!
I would appreciate it if you could advise me or help me 🙂

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 1, 2016 at 3:22 pm

Hi Nana,

I think it’s a smart move of being present in that way because you’re still distant.. Try to guage on when you can start initiating texting again. When he talks more to you when you’re there then continue the conversations in text.

Amy

September 29, 2016 at 11:58 pm

I’ve been hanging out with my ex nine months after break up, having friends with benefits situation but we also were always saying goodbye to each other and never succeed in that. I know he loves me, I know he was thinking of giving us one more chance (he said that and he was crying once and said that would be a mistake so we didn’t reconciliate back then) but it didn’t happen, he is so stubborn and convinced that we are not good match.
My question is- is it too late for NC? Are my chances bad after all those time? He said that he doesn’t want sex anymore after I said that he doesnt turn me on anymore (I was just mean and tired of fwb) and he also said that he wants to keep me as a friend and that sex will ruin that because we were fighting often. He was cuddling with me while watching series, he was driving me to ER, he likes my pet and was taking him to the vet, he was good to me but he didn’t want a relationship anymore. I want him, I know that I screwed up, but is it too late, is it the effect of NC ruined after those nine months? I said to him that is he doesn’t want relationship that I’m done with all and we said goodbye one more time, amicably.
Can I get him back or is it too late?

Amy

October 4, 2016 at 9:43 pm

Thank you, Amor.
I blocked him on Facebook tonight. I know that Chris says that it’s not good but earlier when I had him on Facebook and trying to do NC, I was aware that he is looking my profile and I was kind of doing everything knowing that he is watching, doing things because of him and I don’t want that. Having him on Facebook makes me miss him more and he is still part of my life that way, so I decided to block him. Will that damage my chances?
I have a lot of work to do, change some things in my life and currently I don’t want that he is looking my every step, I would rather that he sees big change after those 45 days.

And I would like to remove my focus from him, I’ve been obsessed with getting him back those nine months and that’s unhealthy. But I wasn’t strong enough to cut him off. We broke up last year and then I did everything right, NC and everything and got him back but it didn’t last… and after the second break up I couldn’t do it all over again, I just wanted him close to me, I was weaker that time.

When you say in the near future it’s not possible, what time frame you think it would be real to get him back?
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 6, 2016 at 10:12 pm

yeah, I understand. I think it would be better if you just block him for you to fully heal. Commonly, in this situations, it takes 6 months to a year..
Amy

October 1, 2016 at 5:46 pm

Btw, I know for sure that all this time he had feelings for me, maybe not like before, but he had. He was jealous when I was dating this one guy, he admitted that he thought of geting back with me during those nine months but it isn’t important… and he helped me with some major things in my life so I know I am not just a fuck buddy to him. I know that some guys will tell everything and treat women like garbage because of sex, but he is not like that. But he is strongly conviced that we cannot be happy together and that’s the main reason why he didn’t give us a chance. And I was also too clingy.

I really want him back. So please if you could give me advice how to.. I know what I should do to move on forever, but I want advice what should I do to get him back. I also know that I may never get him back and that’s ok but I want to try… he is my friend, my love and I don’t want to give up so easily. He hasn’t dated other women, I am afraid that he will, that’s why I stuck around for so long… So, how long of NC you reccomend? I don’t want him to forget about me but I wan’t him to miss me and thinks that I moved on….
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 4, 2016 at 5:28 pm

yes, it’s not impossible but honestly, for you, I think it’s not possible in the near future.. I didn’t say never.. You just have to have a restart. I understand that you will keep trying. There’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but as a last step, do 45 days.. Keep in mind, take this as a restart.. Move on from the previous relationship. So, when you reconnect after 45 days, you have to take it slow, don’t sleep with him again and you have to keep the routine you started during no contact.

He may not be using you for sex only, because he’s not like those guys, but don’t put yourself in that position by doing it repetitively. Value yourself, that way you lose the people who don’t, and the right people will stay.
Amy

October 1, 2016 at 5:25 pm

So, what should I do if I want him back? NC for how long? Or you are telling me that it’s over for good and I don’t have a chance at all and should stop trying?
Chris wrote about friends with benefits and he didn’t sound like it’s impossible to get him back from that situation…
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 1, 2016 at 1:56 pm

Hi Amy,

to be honest, being friends with benefits is damaged your chances. It’s not possible in the near future because he just wants to be friends now and he knows how much you like him so every move you’ll make, he might think it’s one of your ways of getting him back.. So, yes, it’s better to move on now..

Lily

September 29, 2016 at 2:53 pm

Hi there,
My ex boyfriend and I broke up 4 months ago. I dont really get the reason because he gave too many reasons. But I think he was bored. We had a happy 5 year relationship before the break up happened. I tried the 30 day NC rule and improvised myself a lot after the break up. At first it was good. He called me and texted me. He even invited me out for dinner. I brought up interesting topics and we were texting for a while. But then I gave up after a month because he always replied real slow, like 10-15 mins just for a text and he seemed not so interested in the conversation. I texted him at night so of course he is not busy with his job. I stopped contacting him. After that, we sometimes text each other and kept it really short and in point. He was perplexed I guess. Once he didnt see me online and he called me at midnight just to know if I’m OK. The other time he called me just to make sure I’m OK because he just had a nightmare about me the night before. He logged into my Skype account and recently my Facebook account. He asked me about a guy (my colleague) that I talked to and went to the nightclub with. Probably he was jealous. I said we were just friends and he was like OK whatever. We dont talk to each other very often and usually it’s him who initiated the contact first. When he does, he asked me questions like What’s my plan tonight, am I going to the nightclub again, who did i just go out with, why am I not wearing the bracelet that he gave me. My birthday is next month and he said he would give me a present. I dont really get what he is thinking. I am now still improvising myself (buying new clothes, hitting the gym, etc) and keep being active on Facebook (he unfriended me but still look at it for sure. just few weeks ago he logged in into my Facebook account to read my conversation with the guy I mentioned earlier. he asked if that guy is my new boyfriend). Now I am really confused and dont know what to do. I still want him back but all the tactics just don’t work. Please advise. Thank you 🙂

lily

December 16, 2016 at 3:42 pm

no he didn’t. and he seldom goes online too.
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 19, 2016 at 5:54 am

that means he really wants you to move on.. greeting him will look like you didn’t read it, and it may make him reiterate to you that you have to move on.. It would be better if you don’t greet him and start being active in improving yourself..show you accept his decision and moving on.. Make him regret through your improvements
lily

December 11, 2016 at 2:30 pm

Hi again. I hope your team including yourself are doing great over there 🙂 I guess it’s time that I need your advice again. or at least just someone who I can share these secrets to.
So he greeted me on my birthday which was about one and a half month ago. we haven’t talked since then. I was surprised a bit as his birthday wish was kinda sweet as he called me “babe” even though we didn’t talk much ever since our break up. he was away to another country during my bday so he said he would buy me a present after he came back. on my bday, he said that he “accidentally” (at least that was what he said) booked two movie tickets using my member account so let’s consider it a “temporary” bday gift (so I went to the cinema with my cousin). I was really happy but tried to keep it cool. After he came back, he didn’t contact me. it was like he totally forgot what he said. So I just let him be and didnt say anything. He constantly logged in into my facebook account but suddenly stopped doing it 2 weeks ago. I decided that I will give him some time to see where things will go before I really move on. But yesterday, when I go into the app for couples which we had been using in the past, I saw his message 2 weeks ago saying that I should delete this app and forget about him, he wasn’t as nice as I thought and just think of him with all the good memories…. It’s winter now so I should dress properly and take care of myself… he hoped that there will be someone who will tell me to dress properly just like he did in the past.
I have no idea what’s going on in his mind. Was it because I didnt care about him so he wants to have my attention?
I haven’t replied to that message because I just really dont know what to do. I dont want to make things more complex or diminish my chance of getting him back.
– What should I say or just simply ignore that message?
– His birthday is one day after Christmas. Should I send him a birthday greet?
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 14, 2016 at 12:35 pm

did he message you again in any other form of communication after that message?
Lily

October 14, 2016 at 6:01 am

Hi Amor,

Thank you for your reply. I didn’t initiate any contact with him yet. And 2 days ago he called me to ask which Pandora charm I’d like for my birthday. I think I told you that my birthday is this month and he said he would give me a present. I told him it was up to him, just buy it if he thinks it’s nice. Then he said maybe we better go check it out together when we have time. I said it’s a good idea. (My birthday is end of this month. He will be taking his brother to Singapore during that time). Since then we haven’t talked yet. But he is still checking my Facebook page. There is this guy who has a crush on me (but ofc I don’t like him). I think my ex knows this by reading my chat history. I can see from my search history that he used the search tool to find that guy’s profile. He did this so many times before but still doing it after the date. There is also another guy (not the one having a crush on me) who asked me out. we are not dating but just that we have the same taste of music and we go to the night club together sometimes. My ex knows about this as he read my chat history. I told him that me and the other guy are just friends. Do you think hanging out with the other guy will damage my chance of getting back to my ex? And I dont know what my ex is thinking and how can I improve this relationship
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 14, 2016 at 4:28 pm

it can have an effect. It can make him think, so the safe choice would be to go in a group date with your admirers at first. Invite the guy with your friend when you go out.
Lily

October 10, 2016 at 6:11 am

So I went on a date with him yesterday. We watched a movie and had dinner together. I am not sure if it went well. maybe because we havent seen each other for a while (3 months I guess). He grabbed my hand for a few seconds then let go. I was a bit surprised. But I tried not to be too close or excited. He booked a couple seat where there is no barrier in the middle. I initially put my handbag there and only remove it after about 30 minutes (I was thinking he should think that I’m considering him as a friend, and I am easy so he will have to try harder). After the movie, we had dinner together. I dont know how to explain but it was not as fun as I expected. Not like how we used to date in the past. Maybe it’s because we haven’t talked and seen each other for a while so we were both shy. After the date, I texted him asking if he went home safely. He simply said Yes and he is going to bed now. I replied: Good night. dream about the funny wolfs (we saw a movie that has some funny wolfs). He said Yeah you too. So he was cold to me. I haven’t talked to him since then. Did I just lose my chance of getting him back? Should I talk to him or wait until he contacts me? Please help. Thanks Amor 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 10, 2016 at 11:48 am

sorry for the late reply.. I think it was good and bad at the same time.. good because he asked you out, bad because it was too long for “first” date again.. It became awkward because you’re right, you haven’t seen each other for a long time, and it was too intimate for a first date again.. Just rest texting for a few days and then initiate again.. rest for 3 days to a week..
Lily

October 7, 2016 at 5:49 pm

Thanks for the advice Amor 🙂 After a week of no contact, my ex just texted me today inviting me out for a movie. I was busy today so he said maybe we can go out tomorrow or the day after. I said that’s a good idea. Our conversation stopped there. Few days ago I posted a picture of mine on Facebook which attracted lots of attention from my male friends and colleagues. Should I go out with him? What should I do if I go out with him? (staying friendly and talkative or acting cool?)
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 30, 2016 at 11:11 pm

Actually it seems like you rushed it. See, he’s missing you because you’re being distant. You’re improving and moving on which makes him think that may be you are serious about moving on and he’s asking and investigating if you are really moving on. I think you should just keep doing what you’re doing. The only thing I can add is to make every conversation with him fun. If he talks to you, leave that fun impression and then go do your own thing again.
He has to think if he doesn’t act, he will lose you.

Jessica

September 29, 2016 at 10:12 am

Hello!
It’s been almost 3 years since me and my ex broke up. We used to go to the same gym until it closed in November 2015. So, for two years it was hard seeing him everyday at the gym because I was, in still am, in love with him. When the gym closed, we went to different gyms and it was the last time I saw him (so almost a year ago). His birthday is coming up in October and I don’t know if it would be okay just to send him a short message. He didn’t say anything for my birthday but I am pretty sure he did remember. I would like to see how things have been going for him. We left in good terms and we are still in each other’s whatsapp, as I can still see his profile pics from time to time. If it’s okay to send a message, what would be the right thing to say. And, will this make him think I still have feelings or it’s just a friendly message??

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 30, 2016 at 10:11 pm

Hi Jessica,

It depends on what you say but he will probably have that in the back of his mind. You have to check this one:
The Guide To Getting Him Back After A Year (Or More) Apart

Donna

September 29, 2016 at 4:54 am

Hi Amor! I just wanted to let you know that I emailed Chris just a few moments ago. Since my story was a bit long, I knew I couldn’t fit it all within a 60 second voice mail and I didn’t want to risk forgetting any important details. So I hope an email will suffice and he can answer me back soon or at least eventually.
Thank you for your help 🙂

Donna

September 30, 2016 at 9:32 pm

Thanks Amor!
I guess I should also add in that I wrote in the comments in one of Chris’s videos on You Tube, so I pretty much covered the bases lol!
Also, I don’t think I mentioned this before, but a couple months ago I moved with my family 1,000 miles away from my home town. It’s been a bit of a traumatic experience and year for me. But I have some good news, I just had a job interview this morning. If I get this job, it will definitely help me with getting through the no contact rule. Watching Chris’s videos and reading his articles have given me some hope that I’ve needed. Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 3, 2016 at 2:10 pm

That’s good Donna! Thank you too! And have fun in your new job!
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 30, 2016 at 7:43 pm

Ok Donna! I’ll remind him too and I’ll send him this comment to check. 🙂 Thank you too!

Mary

September 28, 2016 at 5:59 pm

Hi Amore, I am planning my first contact text and was thinking of saying….I was pulling out my fall decorations and found Dougie spider and it made me think of you. I was also going to include a picture of it . ( it’s a light up spider that I bought when he and I were talking on the phone and he wanted me to name it dougie spider. After him). Do you think that is too much for a first contact or is it a good first contact or should I not include the photo?

Mary

October 9, 2016 at 8:01 pm

Well it’s been 2 days and no reply. …:-( I’ll wait a couple of weeks and try another text something like the you’ll never believe what happened type of text. Will work on that……
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 10, 2016 at 11:39 am

Ok, if that was first contact text, you should only wait a week.. and then initiate again.. if it’s your second attempt, then yes, you should wait two weeks.
Mary

October 8, 2016 at 3:43 pm

Update 2…it’s been about 24 hours and so far no response. I am very disappointed. I read the blindsided article and I am certainly blindsided! He was great one minute, talking about buying a house together and coming over for the weekend and then out of the blue blasted me via text about all the reasons we are not compatible? We have had no communication since. . Will let you know if anything changes!…not looking good
Mary

October 8, 2016 at 1:42 am

So to update I sent my message at about noon today…so far no response….will be patient to see if I get any response. Honestly based on his hot and cold actions I am beginning to wonder if,he is bipolar. ..will let you know if I hear anything.
Mary

October 7, 2016 at 5:10 pm

Thanks Amor! Will let you know how it goes!
Mary

October 6, 2016 at 2:12 am

Ok so final copy….” I was pulling out my fall decorations and found dougie spider…it’s the first time I’ve thought of you in a while. Hope you’re well. 🙂 “. And of course I’m including the picture of the spider decoration. Approve?
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 7, 2016 at 4:43 pm

approoooved!
Mary

October 5, 2016 at 12:19 pm

Hi again, please respond… I am waiting for your answer before I make my next move…help!
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 5, 2016 at 10:17 pm

Ah, it’s risky because it’s a bit emotional.. but I’m leaning more on the thought that he will think you haven’t been thinking about him.. especially since it’s not in a separate text.. it’s like, it’s not going to be a tie in because it’s included in first text
Maryy

October 3, 2016 at 1:35 pm

Yours. He says in the article above that your approach is risky . He says to use made me think of you but there is the other approach that you mention and he says it can be used but is risky. Why would it be risky?
Mary

October 1, 2016 at 5:04 pm

I thought Chris said this approach was risky. Why is it risky?
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 3, 2016 at 12:28 pm

HI Mary,

sorry I’m confused. Which one are you saying the one you suggested or mine?
Mary

September 30, 2016 at 5:57 pm

Ok I will do that. I thought that was not the preferred approach in the book , I guess since its been 45 days with no contact on either side this approach is better so he thinks he’s not on my mind and it will make him think why? With him not contacting me at all either I guess it’s Better to be a little more harsh?
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 30, 2016 at 1:10 pm

Hi Mary,

that’s ok..just edit one sentence.. instead of made me think of you, make it, “it’s the first time I thought of you after a while” and it’s better to include the photo

Amber

September 28, 2016 at 2:09 pm

Thank you for your time Amor, I really appreciate your advice. You’re right I’m willing to make a huge change in my life just for him. That’s the only reason why I’ve stayed, all my friends have recommended that I leave but I refuse to because of him. If I leave it will be because I found a better job not because I ran like a coward. What I failed to mention was that in the process of all this happening, I lost a good friend, almost lost my job and god knows what my family would of thought of me had that woman made this any bigger. It’s unfortunate to see how he reacts under pressure. Maybe it’s been your words or maybe it’s the time that has passed but I feel more calm. It’s good to know that I never gave up and that I gave it my everything. It’s time to move on with my life and if he looks for me fine and if he doesn’t fine. Thank you, you’ve helped more than you’ll ever know. 🙂

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 30, 2016 at 10:25 am

Aww.. Thank you too!

Emily

September 27, 2016 at 3:54 am

Hi! I enjoyed this article because I felt it really applied to my situation. So it’s been 2 months now since I reconnected with my ex (dated 3.5 yrs) after almost 1.5 yrs of no communication. During this time I’ve moved to another country, found a new job, travelled a lot, made lots of new friends. My ex knows all of this through either mutual friends or fb, but in these 2 months I’ve been texting him, he shows no interest in anything new about me. I can sense from the texts he cares for my wellbeing and wants me to be well, but other than that he doesn’t want to talk about what I’ve achieved in our time apart. When I ask about him, he says his life is pretty much the same as 2-3 yrs ago and really doesn’t give me much to go on. I wonder if he might feel unhappy with his lack of success, like he hasn’t achieved anything while I’ve done so much, and so I shouldn’t flaunt my success to him as it might bruise his self esteem.. or does he simply just doesn’t care about what I’ve done or want to talk about himself because he no longer wants anything to do with me? Even if I talk about everyday things like a new restaurant I’ve tried and think he would like it, or of a shared happy memory, he responds neutrally and makes it difficult for me to follow up. Then I do another 2-3 weeks of NC before I try again, but he’s still reluctant as ever.

Emily

October 2, 2016 at 5:59 am

I tried to talk about his hobbies in tennis, he loves to play and when we were dating he really wanted to see a live match and how I managed to win tickets to a live match at Wimbledon. About how I found a pair of old limited sneakers he really wanted in his size on sale. About a video game I used to watch him play that was set in Paris, and that when I was travelling there it reminded me of him. A little about his work, but not so much because he doesnt seem to be happy with that. None of these are getting me any positive reponses despite that these were his major hobbies. What would you recommend I say instead?
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 4, 2016 at 7:18 pm

something more current about news, friends. If he’s still not responsive with that, that means it’s better to move on.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 28, 2016 at 11:24 am

Hi Emily,

That means he’s not interested at all.. I’m just wondering, you said you tried to talk about a new restaurant, what other topics about him and yourself have you initiated? Because in order to build rapport, like with somebody that you don’t know, most of the time, you talk about topics other than yourself and him at first. Most of the time the topics are about other things that you “coincidentally” you both enjoy, and then that makes you and him have more rapport. The other person becomes more interested because you know so much or you’re great about something he’s interested in

Kendall

September 26, 2016 at 8:58 pm

I started texting my ex again after we had spent a while not talking since our breakup. We’ve talked twice and he seems super excited to hear from me and responds very quickly and asks questions to keep up the conversation but doesn’t seem to want to talk much about himself. He turns the focus right back to me every time. I think I’ve come across very cool and collected and laidback so why the hesitancy to share info? When we broke up he told me he had been depressed for a long time and didn’t know what to do, could that be why he doesn’t want to share much?

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 28, 2016 at 8:00 am

Hi Kendall,
It can be and if that was the first text after a long time, that means you’re being too forward. He feels it’s too intimate to share info about himself

Abbey

September 26, 2016 at 8:17 am

Hi, I know you’re probably getting sick of me on this haha. But I just finished my 30 day NC and texted him today. He replied almost instantly (within a minute) and we just talked like we used to for a while. Asking how each other was and stuff and then I said I had to go after around 30 minutes. I’m wondering when do I talk to him again and what do I say?
Thanks

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 26, 2016 at 12:44 pm

Hi Abbey,

Of course not! Just ask anytime! You can send again the next day! Just be sure to end it at high point.

Alicia

September 25, 2016 at 3:59 pm

HI, I did the 30 day no contact and I felt really good through out the entire process. It even got easier as the time went on to not have the urge to reach out to him. The probably is we have unresolved financial issues etc, so when I did make contact I made contact about resolving those things. He suggested we meet at the mall and talked. As suggested in the no contact, I worked on myself and made sure I looked really good, since I hadn’t seen him in a month. We talked for about an hour and 30 minutes. I kept trying to stick to business but he kept bringing up the relationship and what went wrong of course blaming me for everything. Finally I felt myself getting a little emotional because he insisted on bringing up the past, so I wanted to end the conversation. We agreed on the finances, hugged and told him to take care. About an hour later he text said I looked really nice today and good luck on finding what I’ve been looking for. I replied thanks. That was two days ago. I haven’t text him and he hasn’t text me. So I’m not sure what do next. Was his text positive, neutral, negative. What should be my next action steps. Should I try to rebuild attraction. Also that wasn’t really a first meeting or a date and we jumped from texting as suggested to a face to face meeting. I’m just not sure how to proceed. I was going to send another first contact text in a couple of days and see if I get a response. It seems like he wanted to see me right away, but I’m not sure why.

alicia

September 26, 2016 at 2:38 pm

He text me and ask me if I can meet him tonight for drinks. He didn’t say for what. I didn’t ask. I didn’t know if I should. So I just replied ok.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 25, 2016 at 7:03 pm

Hi Alicia,

yeah, it was not a date. It was just a meeting. And yes, you should wait a few days before initiating contact and it was a positive text from him but what did you mean that he wanted to see you right away? When did he seem to convey that? Before the meeting or after?

Amber

September 24, 2016 at 3:06 pm

The first time I tried no contact he called and asked that we meet, and like an idiot I met up with him. He said he just wanted us to be normal at work before he could do anything that his intention was never to end things. After talking we went to the store and shopped and then I dropped him back off by his car and he gave me two hugs. He held me so tight and for so long. After that I asked him now what? He said baby steps. He texted thanking me for seeing him and for the next couple of weeks he’d email or call just to say hi but only at work but then one day he stopped I panicked and after leaving work one day I turned around and came back I asked what was going on? He said we could talk the day after that we could go on a date. But the day after something came up at work and he couldn’t make it (he didn’t lie, we work in the same place and I know It was out of his hands. So he called and apologized and never rescheduled. But I didn’t see him for days and that was when I finally saw him and he waved and I just didn’t wave back. I was tired and just confused. I tried emailing him that day and calling but he didn’t answer so I decided that NC was the next step- for real this time. And here I am today. To answer your question idk if he’s afraid. I don’t know what is going on, maybe he’s moved on. He doesn’t have social media- I do know he went on vacation for a week.
But other than that I have no way of knowing what is going on. He’s a highly private person. And he loves his job, he’s admired and he’s excellent at what he does. I would look for another job if it were necessary, just to be with him. But I feel like he just doesn’t care because like you pointed out he hasn’t fought for me. But this isn’t a movie this is the real world, do men fight for a girl anymore? I don’t want to be desperate or crazy I need to be rational. It takes all of me to avoid him but I do out of love and respect for him and our work place. Please help me.

EBR Team Member: Amor

September 25, 2016 at 8:28 am

You’re right, this isn’t a move but here you are willing to make a big move just for him when all he just needs to do is talk to hr? I don’t like making your feel bad but it looks like he is protecting himself and his job which is natural but if it’s not illegal then asking the hr is a simple thing to save your relationship or he could have at least talked to you for a solution on how you can both convince the hr.. If he sees the hr is being unfair to you, shouldn’t he be a little protective or helpful with you in navigating her? The more I think about it, the more I don’t want to suggest you trying to get back with him.
I do still think there is a chance, but don’t get another job just for him when he can’t even make a simple move for you. You’re giving up too much when the guy gave up on you.

but if you’re getting another job because of the hr, of course that’s ok. When that happens and the circumstances is easier for the both of you, keep in mind what he did when the circumstances weren’t easier.Don’t rush in trying to get him back. If I were you and I’m really wondering if our relationship could work, and if I can still stay at the job, I’ll stay and observe if he’s willing to make it work while being there.

Unsure

September 23, 2016 at 3:24 pm

Hi! I am trying to get my ex back after 9 months broken up. I have sent 3 first contact messages over a week and a half. the first 2 got really positive responses, the 2nd time he even asked me how I was and about my horse etc, I did as I should, and ended conversations early etc. Today I sent him a playlist I was listening to, that we both used to enjoy that I thought he may enjoy (nothing romantic or anything), I got a positive response but short, with exclamation marks though, so I replied what I could and said have a great weekend! Have I done anything wrong? should I move up to good memory text messages? Also it is his birthday on tuesday, should I wish him a happy birthday? he is having a night out for his birthday that I know about from mutual friends, should I say I hope he has a great night celebrating? Would really appreciate your advice! Thank you!

Unsure

September 27, 2016 at 2:50 pm

Hi Amor,

Thank you for getting back to me! I messaged him for his birthday and planned to be more conversational as you suggested, also sent a happy birthday gif with the message as I had read in an article from Chris that doing something like that sets you apart. The response I got back however left no room for conversation, he said – “Haha thanks. It would have been very impressive if you did find one to be fair!! Thanks again, I appreciate it! Take care, and I’m sure I’ll see you soon!”. I know it is a positive response but he obviously doesn’t want to talk, I feel like I am wasting my time or doing something wrong? I don’t know how many days to wait to message him again now? Would really appreciate your advice again, thanks so much for everything you do!
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 28, 2016 at 4:02 pm

wait a week before intiating agaib
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 24, 2016 at 1:30 pm

Hi Unsure,

yes, it’s ok to greet him but be more conversational. Like how does it feel or what his plans are being a year older.

Katey

September 23, 2016 at 4:47 am

Hi, I’m 13 and my ex is 15. I know we are both extremely young. We were dating off and on for a year and a half until our most recent break up (about a month ago). We never hung out but we talked all the time, I was nearly a slave to my phone. One day, he left me a message saying things weren’t working out. We got in a huge fight over social media a few days after we broke up. He called me 2 weeks ago to apologize for being a ‘bitch’. He was being one tho. So, we talked on the phone for a half hour and “parting is such sweet sorrow” *I had to do that. Shakespeare is my hero*
We haven’t talked since that phone call, but we have the same squad. At last weeks Friday night football game, he walked over to my squad (they designated me leader. LOL) and introduced his girlfriend of one week to us (most likely to make me jealous). That Friday during 6th period, I got a boyfriend. I’ve liked him since I was in 1st grade. He was my first crush. We were like best friends until he started dating my cousin a few years back. We have both liked each other all our lives.
ANYwayssss….. He didn’t know I was dating my current boyfriend. He was grounded so he didnt go to the football game. As soon as I told one of my friends about my boyfriend my ex walked away without even saying anything to anyone. His girlfriend stayed. After I left *I was still able to see my squad. I went to get some chicken nuggets from the snack bar* I saw my ex half run over to his girlfriend and pull her away from the crowd. They were talking about me. I saw the way my ex looked at me. Like I was some piece of shit he regretted dating. BUT he texted me that night and said he missed me even though he had a girlfriend. What does all this mean? Is his (and/or my) relationship considered a rebound? Why does he keep talking to me, and then stopping all of a sudden?

Katey

September 26, 2016 at 5:46 am

Ohhh. Okay, that makes more sense. Thank you, and sorry for the confusion 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 26, 2016 at 12:16 pm

No worries! Sorry again and thank you too!
Katey

September 24, 2016 at 9:08 pm

I’m confused. My relationship is a rebound? I thought his seemed more reboundy(is that a word?) because this girl was from Phoenix Arizona and they started dating on the first day of school. And I will admit that there are some(but very few) things about my current boyfriend that keep me even more interested because my ex did the same types of things. But in sure all relationships are like that at some point. So, maybe this is a rebound relationship but I really like this boy a lot…
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 25, 2016 at 10:08 am

Oh no! I’m sorry. I wasn’t clear. I meant your current relationship is a rebound. Even if you had a crush on him since you were in first grade, if you haven’t really moved on from your latest ex, your current bf is a rebound.

And even though I don’t think his current gf is a rebound for him, there is still a possibility that she is.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 24, 2016 at 7:42 am

HI Katey,

I answered your first comment. I’m not sure if you have read it so, I’m going to paste my answer there here but to add to that, yes, it looks like your relationship is a rebound but not his.. Why? because I think it’s just reaction from him because he’s used to you having feelings for him. It’s that sense of ownership and feeling admired. He likes being admired, just like every other human being..

Hi Katey,

it’s normal for his age to be fickle minded because most of the time, the actions are based on what they currently feel and his feelings are not stable yet.. he probably said they were still together when he was talking to you because they have just broken up. It hasn’t sinked in yet..

I think you should focus more in being emotionally independent.. when you get into a relationship in the middle of depression, the relationship becomes more of need.. real love is when you’re alreasy complete and he’s just an addition in your life.. If you lose him, it will still hurt but not to the point that you’ll lose yourself..

but I actually think you’re handling it well and that you’re just wondering why he’s giving you mixed signals

Donna

September 23, 2016 at 4:38 am

Wow Chris,
I really enjoyed reading this article, and I’m fascinated by this “dating yourself” concept by Veronica. I’m going to read more into that for sure!

I’m going on 20 days on NC with my ex… well, that is if you would call him my ex. We never dated as he already had a wife at the time when we first met. Then the second time we talked, he had his new girlfriend. Needless to say, in the 6 years I’ve known this guy, I’ve always had bad timing. In fact he admitted that to me the last time we met and talked 3 years ago, when I unintentionally told him that I love him (I explained this whole story in a comment in the “Does your exboyfriend even care about you?” article). I would really like to know your insight about my situation. Amor answered me, but I would really like a male’s perspective on this. I could repost my story here if you would prefer.

Thank you!

Donna

September 23, 2016 at 4:01 pm

Thank you Amor, I really appreciate that! It’s no hurry, an eventual response would be nice 🙂 I’ll try a voice mail if no response within a week or 2. Thanks again!
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 24, 2016 at 2:20 pm

You’re welcome!
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 23, 2016 at 9:14 am

I’ll forward your story but I can’t guarantee that he can reply immediately.. You can try sending in a voice mail too if you want

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