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Candace
June 5, 2016 at 12:11 pm
My on and off again ex just broke up about something really ridiculous yesterday. I feel like he picked this fight due to his insecurities. The fight was about me supposedly having an attitude because we couldn’t hang out that day when really I was fine and he was assuming all of this and if he thinks it what he thinks in his mind is that he is 100% right all the time . He is a super introvert. No friends at all Only talks to his siblings. How we started dating was that he chased me for months and months till I agreed to date him. I think he loves the thrill of the chase hence why we are also on again off again. He also is extremely stubborn stays at home no facebook or anything. When we get into arguements he says things to hurt my feelings on purpose even though they aren’t true. And then will admit they weren’t true and he only said them because he was angry. But this time he went to far. I love him and we will be 2 years in January. But I’m terrified to do the nc rule on him. Here is why. Number one thing he hates in this world is to be ignored. We broke up before because he thought I was ignoring him. Of course he made the fight about something else then he admitted that was the reason why he broke up with me. Even his ex before me when they broke up she ignored him for a week. He kept calling when he found out why she ignored him then he didn’t want her and claimed she was to immature and just used him for money. By the way he is the type of guy that will spend a lot on a woman no problem even me. She was way younger than us though. She is 20. I’ll be 26 in August. He just turned 28. When I ignored him 1 day the next day he tried to get back with me Even though he it’s the one always breaking up with me. I used to beg him back I stopped but recently he breaks up then he is like we can be together again. He went to far. I’m a single p parent with a 3 year old. He has been in our lives sincr my son was 1. I don’t deal with my physically abusive ex. i borrowed 600 I paid him back 400 and owe him 200 left. He is demanding it back in an unreasonable time and threatened to tell my ex where me and my son lived he didn’t do it but it’s still the fact that he did this. Then he apologized and the next week said it again on this current break up we had yesterday. I want this on again off again crap to stop and me and my son love him with all our hearts and he is probably the best guy I’ve been with beside when he gets insecure. So how do I regain respect in this relationship and be on again permanently also how can I possibly do a nc when he reacts so badly to bring ignored and I owe him 200 still. I know he is going to use it as a way to see what I look like. He gets tough phone and text wise and will hold a conversation via that but can’t do it face to face. That’s how introverted he is. How can I command respect and stop this pattern and still possibly do the nc if it’s such a deal breaker. I don’t see what I could possibly do. Please help.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 15, 2016 at 4:37 am
Hi Candace,
Since you on and off again, did you get back again this at this time?
Missing
June 1, 2016 at 1:08 pm
So, to make it short.. My ex is italian and we met each other on a rainy day while i was at work I worked selling memeberships on the street and when he signed up he got a little bag and he wanted my number.. I didn’t want to be with to start with, so he fought hard for me for 3 months until he hooked me. We traveled a lot together and we just celebrated our 1 years anniversary in the eiffel tower in january. 2 weeks ago he broke up with me, but he took a picture and a his ticket from our annniversary with him plus the bag he got when we first met. But he broke up with me because he thought I wanted more from him than he could give me, I told him it wasn’t true he ended up staying one last night with me together (no sex) I was already working on getting him back. He told me he still loves me and that he is still in love with me but he just wants to be alone so he moved from denmark back to italy. I messed up a lot in our relationship because of fear, I have been abused before and I was afraid he would do the same, so i fought a lot with him (always me) I know my mistakes I just want a chance.. we made a promise to stay friends hence I didn’t follow the NC rule for long… I screwed up after 10 days.. I am afraid I screwed up for good.. I love him and I just want a chance.
-Missing
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 11, 2016 at 1:19 pm
Hi Missing,
are you in nc now? so basically the real reason is that you always fought right? do you think he sees you as needy? because if that’s the case then take this time have your own life and build a new world for yourself
AL
April 25, 2016 at 2:20 pm
I did strict NC and I have been texting my ex for about 7 days now. We transferred into Skype ytd (cause we were in LDR). We had a really good chat in texting and Skype and he would reply my msg like immediately for every message I sent him. And he keeps bringing up the old memories of us and giving compliments to my look and my positive changes. He even said he now has more admiration of me.
The reason he broke up with me was because he has feelings toward my best friend (lets name her May). May said she is bisexual. The things makes me confused is my ex was hiding that he meet up May for watching his geeky tv show, or having meal tgt. it is so different from the act he did to me in texting or skyping. He tell lies to me about the activities he did with May (I wanna know why). I bet May is flirting with my ex even she doesn’t want him as a boyfriend. I would like to know what I can do? I asked my ex not to tell others that we are in contact now but he told May about that and I feel like he hasn’t protect our friendship either. He is an introverted boy and he hasn’t have much friends either. We were both first one. Am i in a bad situation ? 🙁
AL
April 27, 2016 at 6:09 pm
Thank you Amor. Because I am afraid the friends of him especially May would give judgment on us and tell him what to do. He said I am his potential soulmate during Skype today, and he kept reminding the old days stuff. I do not trust May and they are like hanging out every night. May will do more horrible stuff on me if she knows we are in touch. What can I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 1, 2016 at 5:50 am
why would may do horrible stuff with you? I think you’re overthinking..
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 27, 2016 at 5:20 am
Hi Al,
I remember you.. Be cool about it.. I think he hid it because he’s afraid you might get jealous.. and if you do you’ll just confirm his worries and he might stop talking to you.. If she’s really bi and she made it clear then they just hanging out friends.. Focus on you and him.. I’m wondering why you don’t want others to know you’re friendship with your ex?
Kim
April 20, 2016 at 2:28 am
Hey Chris! I love your website and videos! Thank you so much for taking the time to provide all of this content. I wanted to ask you, my ex boyfriend and I (both in our mid 20’s) had been together for almost a year and a half. 6 weeks ago he broke up with me saying he just didn’t feel the same way as he did when we first started dating. Basically saying he fell out of love. I was the first girl he was ever with. He also said because of school (he’s in law school) he couldn’t invest as much time in our relationship. We didn’t end in bad terms but obviously I was hurt. He said loves and cares for me just not in the same way I want and hopes we can be friends but I don’t want to be just friends. I did no contact for 3 weeks in which during that time he contacted me once. When we finally did talk again, it just seems he’s not really into the conversation. He’s distant and a bit dry at times. His answers are a mix of positive and neutral. Its not really the same as before, he isn’t interested in knowing what i’m doing, he never initiates contact, he takes hours to reply, and never seems to want to keep the conversation going. He was never like this before. I’d also like to mention that we are both introverted. While I am a little bit more willing to talk, he keeps his feelings to himself so I have no idea what he’s really thinking. I feel like its impossible to win him back. Do I have a shot at winning him back and what can I do at this point?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 21, 2016 at 2:51 pm
Hi Kim,
when falling out of love, it usually means he lost desire because the relationship got boring and there was not much growth from the relationship or from you or you became too available for him. There was not much challenge anymore.. Have you been active during nc in improving yourself and doing new stuff? You don’t have to go out very often.. Even just starting activities at home that you kept putting off before is ok.. Have a make over, build new skills, read new books, and were the topics you used to talk interesting for him?
Elle
April 19, 2016 at 1:04 am
My ex boyfriend has depression.
He has an extroverted personality but over the past month has become increasingly isolated and self-destructive.
Our reason for breaking up was that he thinks “I am better without him” “he brings me down” “he has no purpose” “doesn’t deserve me”. He’s going back and forth from wanting to break up to wanting to be together.
I want to be with him, but I am more worried about his health. I feel like NC may be bad for our situation as ignoring him could make him so much worse.
What would your advise be?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 21, 2016 at 8:29 am
Hi Elle,
he has to get professional help firat because his depression can’t always be the reason for you to go back and forth
Cortney
April 10, 2016 at 4:08 am
Good thing I found this article. My ex is so introverted he said in counseling that he wants to be alone and had always wanted to be alone… Even if there is some truth to that I know it couldn’t all be true because when I wasn’t hounding him about things we did have a lot of great times together. Otherwise I doubt we would have made it 11 years. I’m going into day nine of no contact and now I know from Chris’ point of view (thank you) that if we ever do get back together I really need to watch what and how I say things or poor Erik will always be in his turtle shell. We can’t have that!
GISELLE
April 9, 2016 at 2:38 am
Hi,
My ex and i had been together for 5 months. He is in the military and is really busy. Recently for about 2 months i noticed his interest in me dwindling. So i keep asking him to put in more effort into the rs (through text, because we dont talk over the phone). Often he sees it as an outburst at the time he is at his busiest and became increasingly distant from me. however, before we broke up, there had been alot of pent up unhappiness from his end about me hurting him, or he perceives that my expectations are not met.
after 3 weeks of silence from him, he told me that he did not want to continue this relationship anymore (in between i got so confused I initiated the breakup first, but told him i regretted it about 3 days later). he quoted not being ready for the relationship OR that his feelings changed as the reason. im quite sure the “aftertaste” of this relationship is not quite good even though throughout the relationship I had been more than accomodating and caring towards him.
My boyfriend is an introvert, and has pretty low selfesteem; rather passive-aggressive in nature, at the same time, he will not carry out a plan if he feels that he is unlikely to succeed.
I am in the midst of the no contact rule right now, and i am very sure he wont contact me within the 30 days. I have also incorporated some happy facebook post to show him that i am not clingy on the relationship. Do you think, given such after taste, he will be likely to give a positive response after the NC?
Given that I am always the on initiating things, should i be contacting him first after the NC?
Thank you!
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 9, 2016 at 2:55 pm
Hi Giselle,
if he’s an introvert, you would more likely be initiating texts.. if he sees you have your own life there’s a chance he will think you won’t be the same as before
kish
March 17, 2016 at 5:58 am
My ex bf is introverted. I think I have done a good job with the breakup. My concern is that I dated him all wrong. I knew he was introverted and I made everything really easy for him. He did not have to chase me. I am an attractive, successful, picky girl with high standard, but I didn’t get bored of him. Our minds meshed. We had everything in common. I loved spending all my time with him. He did many nice things for me (and still will if i ask) but was not romantic. Well some guys just arent. I gave him almost two years to say I love you. He didnt and when I confronted him about it, I said I wanted to be loved and he said he didnt love me and so I broke up with him. I was devastated and did NC. After 30 days I contacted him and asked if we could be friends. I have been improving myself in all kinds of ways–reinvesting in relationships, hobbies, goals, doing my hair and makeup everyday (already fit and attractive), getting really good at cleaning (was important to him), etc. When I text him he seems happy to hear from me and always responds. He is excited to see me if I suggest it. We have hung out 3 times in 8 mo since the break up. But he does not initiate. He doesnt use facebook. And I dont know if it is possible, or advisable, to use theae tactics to get back someone who never said they loved me. I feel like we were perfect together in terms of values, goals, interests, support, and communication, but never built enough emotional intimacy because I was cautious with my heart and too eager to please and thus he saw no reason to try. I love him and cant seem to get over it. I did NC again for another 30 days but he did not initiate. Now we are texting but the convos are short. I am not in danger of begging and I am nit accusatory or angry or apologetic, but is it worth telling him how I still feel? Will that just make it ‘too easy’? I am fine and I like my life but I miss him.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 17, 2016 at 1:32 pm
Hi Kish,
I like that your confident, keep that! I just want to know how did you start? How did he tell you he likes you?
lela
March 14, 2016 at 9:57 pm
My ex boyfriend and I were together for 6 months and just broke up a week or two ago. He broke up with me, because he needs to study and he wants more time for himself such as playing games, hanging out with friends, gym etc.
We never had a huge argument or moments that I would call bad. The moments we had were either very good, good or just not okay. I understand that he’s been very stressed and under pressure. He is very hard on himself when it comes to studying, and he is mostly influenced by his dad. His dad puts a lot of pressure on him.
A week before we broke up, we were arguing constantly, and they were mainly about how he needed to study and he could not really spend time with me.
We both live in boarding, so we see each other every day. I really want to get him back but I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to do it.
He is a very shy and not sociable person, I’m scared that he would never make a move even if he would want to get back with me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 15, 2016 at 1:40 pm
Hi Lela,
Throughout this week or two, nobody initiated contact on the two of you?
Sophie
March 1, 2016 at 9:23 pm
Thanks for the article! Now I realize that I might have made a big mistake… My ex-boyfriend is introverted. Before I initiated NC about 2 weeks ago, I told him that I would be going on a date with a friend so that I might move on a bit faster. Also, I am not a big fan of social networks and feel really uncomfortable posting anything on it. Seems that I have failed both the “admire afar” and “no jealousy.” What should I do now?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 2, 2016 at 3:43 pm
Hi Sophie,
well, you can just start to post now.. those post can be about you just doing things alone l, discovering things by yourself.. if he sees that he will realize or think you didn’t push through with the date
Vivian
March 1, 2016 at 4:15 am
Hello! My boyfriend is introverted and I’m current in NC. Before no contact, we were still texting normally and I had posted a picture of me and a guy friend on Instagram. He’s liked every single one of my photos except that one. Also the day after that I bumped into him at uni whilst with anothe guy friend. I never bump into him, ever!
What do I do? :S
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 1, 2016 at 3:46 pm
Hi Vivia,
just avoid that to happen again.. You haven’t confirmed in any way that you’re dating so, maybe make your posts a hint that you’re doing things solo
Rue
February 22, 2016 at 7:42 am
Great. I think my ex is a hybrid. He’s definitely an extrovert, however, when it comes to the emotional side of relationships he shuts down and is very easily scared off. You mentioned one little screw up…. Yeah, that was me. No warning at all and BOOM. We were done. Talk about shocked. Unbeknownst to me it was just a hair too close to how his crazy ex acts and he will have NONE if it. (And I’m definitely not like his crazy ex :-/).
kish
March 18, 2016 at 4:54 pm
We were introduced by a mutual friend. We saw a lot of each other organically. I asked him out. I asked him to be my bf. I initiated everything. I am extroverted and a go-getter. He is passive but intelligent and mature and a wonderful listener. We were happy but I made it easy. I think if I had not he would not have done anything.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 19, 2016 at 3:53 pm
You know, it’s good that you’re confident but take that confidencw as to how other people should treat you.. Being introverted or extroverted doesn’t matter if he doesn’t love you.. You deserve someone who will love you
serena
February 17, 2016 at 4:31 pm
My Ex-BF is introvert – I am in NC. I posted a “hot” selfie just at the gym working out, so nothing raunchy but showing a bit of skin. Have I blown my chances? worried he will think I am advertising to others and it will not have a positive effect on him – what would you think as an introvert, have a I crossed a line?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 18, 2016 at 10:39 am
Hi Serena,
No, it hasn’t for now because it’s just one but if you keep at it he will think that way.. and also don’t use jealousu tactic in the future . that will turn him off
Carol
February 11, 2016 at 9:18 am
Hi. I suspect me ex is half and half: jealousy works great on him (he was never fond of my gay friends or married with kids male friends) but deep inside he’s an introvert – deep thinker who has to be lured out from his shell.
The reason for our breakup was coming from this introverted part: I went through his text messages (not proud of it, it was a really bad and insecure period for me), I fully admitted the responsibility, apologized several times. But he kept saying that his ex was going through his messages all the time, everywhere she could. So I think that he’s afraid that that scenario will repeat itself, although he would never admit to his vulnerabilities.
How can I get his trust back?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 11, 2016 at 12:52 pm
It takes time.. of he sees over time you’re not doing it again, he’ll probably trust agaib
Star
February 10, 2016 at 2:25 am
On New Years Day, my boyfriend went to his baby mama’s house to drop off their daughter. His BM wasn’t home from work yet, so he put his daughter to sleep and fell asleep on the couch. When the BM got there, they had things to discuss and he told me he was too tired to drive back home to me. I told him if he didn’t come home, he could pick up his things in the morning. Which is what happened. He has since been staying with his BM (who is VERY manipulative and immature).
We talked off and on throughout January, with him admitting he made a huge mistake in staying with her, but I won’t let him move back in with me until we get things better in our relationship – the first requirement would be moving out of the BM’s house. He said it is financially very difficult (which is true), and he’s ‘working’ on it. I told him it was too hard for me to still be in contact with him while he’s staying with her, so I told him I wanted to not talk to each other during the month of February so we can both clear our heads. He angrily texted and said if I felt that way, do not contact him. I had deactivated my Facebook account right after we broke up (1/1) but then several days after no contact started (2/3), I reactivated my account. Within hours he both blocked and then unblocked me. Neither of us has since friend requested the other. He is both an introvert and stubborn, so this doesn’t surprise me at all.
I am only a week into no contact, and I do want to get him back. I am confident he wants to be with me, but I am less confident he will take the steps necessary to get there. I also think that this would be a long road, especially as his BM has a major personality disorder and likes to feed into his depression to make him stay with her. He feels a ton of guilt over leaving his daughter with this nutcase, but he doesn’t want to be with the BM and he knows their relationship is doomed. While he has picked up most of the things from my house, he still hasn’t gotten a very sentimental item from his father. Or any of his DVDs.
Since I told him originally that I didn’t want to talk during February, do I still do the full 30 days of NC – which would end NC on March 5? Or do I do what I said, and end it once February is over? To make this more fun, his birthday is the last day of February – while mine is the day before Valentine’s Day and I believe his BM’s is the day or two before my birthday. I am pretty sure that he won’t contact me but he will be expecting me to contact him on his birthday. Or do I throw NC out the window and wait until he contacts me to pick up the rest of his stuff? I love his daughter and get along well with her, but I don’t appreciate how much he allows his BM to control him, even before he and I broke up. There is a part of me that wants to wait for the inevitable and fiery end of their relationship (they technically weren’t together again until I initiated NC a week ago), but I’m not putting my life on hold to wait out his drama.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 11, 2016 at 9:38 am
why not try not talkkng to him during feb and then once you reach the end of feb, assess of you need to extend until march 5
Star
February 11, 2016 at 6:04 am
Another question: I think he’s logging in to his friend’s FB to see my account. His friend just messaged me – but this is not someone I normally talk to via FB. This friend is definitely either messaging me on request of my ex or it is my ex masquerading as the friend. Do I ever do NC on friends as well? Or just pretend it is in fact the friend until I definitively know better? The message was just about the outcome of the Super Bowl, so nothing major. And I obviously may need this bridge to contact my ex in the future…
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 11, 2016 at 12:23 pm
if it’s nothing major, that’s ok
Poppy
February 5, 2016 at 7:55 am
This is great! It helped me recognise how references to other men might actually have pushed my last two boyfriends away (both introverted). Maybe what I should have been saying instead is something along the lines of “I really like you and would be thrilled to hear you feel the same way”? I think introverts don’t always ask others to clarify – so much misinterpretation and then retreating!
Thanks again for the insight Chris! I wondered if you might also be able to comment on men who appear hot and cold, and could be understood as avoidant in attachment? I suspect this was also the case for my last boyfriend.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 6, 2016 at 9:29 am
HI Poppy,
Thanks for suggesting! I’ll forward it to Chris.
Erica
January 29, 2016 at 2:13 pm
Hello, my Ex Bf is a complete introvert. I am soo not! I am truly afraid if I give the whole 30 day N/C he won’t ever open up to me again.. That he will shut down. And close up. Is this wrong? Does he need more time to get past our negative times? Or less? Thanks 🙂
Erica
January 30, 2016 at 1:41 pm
Ok, here is a brief summary of our situation. We were together 8 months. We live an hour apart. And I have kids. So we saw each other basicly twice a week. I had just gotten out of a 13 year marriage, (he had recently gotten out of a 5 year relationship) He was never what I would call a lovey dovey kind of guy. And much more independent than I have ever been with. I so wish I had read this page 8 months ago. Things would have made more sense. Anyway, I complained almost from day one that he didn’t put me first.. That everything else was more important. Also that he didn’t communicate how he felt enough. This is what we fought about all the time. Pretty much the only thing we fought about. In the beginning, when we were apart he would say sweet things to me like “come here” and “come crawl on me” he would always say ” I miss you to” and like that when I said it. When we were together he would always have a hand on me. If I sat down on the other side of the sofa he would say why are you so far away? And pull me closer. towards the end I was getting 🙂 when I said I miss you. And there were never anymore ” come here’s” And he could sit for hours on the other side of the sofa with no complaints. Theses things hurt me. I found my self complaining that He had changed. And he had. He had put up walls. So I broke up with him, to be fair he was about there him self… Had said when I get back in town we need to talk. Anyway in talking it out with my mom I realized that I had created those walls that I never let how he said I love you ect. Be enough. I tried to make him fit my picture of what it should look like instead of appreciating how he was… He had tried to tell me a few times but I didn’t get it. I really believed it was all him. Ok so mind blown with this realization. And a few days after I broke things off I emailed him telling him I wanted to talk that I had realized this.. And his response was you and I are so past repair. I said I’m not trying to get back together I just need some closer… We talked a bit more and it’s now been a week and a half since we talked. I don’t know if this is important but I am, I guess what you call here a UG. when I walk in a room people notice. He and I met on a dating site, I had 940 messages in a week, and I picked him… I was completely butterflies crazy for him.. I still am. He is not what you would call traditionally handsome… ( he’s the sexyest thing in the world to me) but what he may lack there he makes up for with confidence, and swag. I wonder if this could have helped with the walls as well.. There were a few occasions where some one would say something like ” your with him? What is it a charity date” I know how much I screwed up but nothing is ever all one person. And I know he made mistakes as well… I just really want a chance to see if it can work … Thank you!
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 31, 2016 at 3:51 am
He heard what other people said about your relationship? Well, at least now you understand him more right? Try to start over again after nc, but of course keep in mind, this will be a slow process and the texts will be mostly coming from you. If he’s intellectual, keep the topics intellectual to interest him. It’s not too late, so don’t lose hope. Just extend your patience, effort and creativity if you really want him back.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 30, 2016 at 8:05 am
Hi Erica,
No contact is beneficial for him because introverts like alone time. The length of the no contact depends on your situation though, so it’s hard for me to say if 30 days is enough or not for you.
SWhittle
January 14, 2016 at 2:27 pm
Hi Chris, (my comment has been waiting for moderation, so I am posting again in hopes you see it.)
My boyfriend broke up with me 12 days ago. I have been no contact other than essential contact due to him having to move out of the apartment. I plan on going through the 30 day minimum for my own benefit and healing. I am 30 and he is 27, we have known each other for 4 years, dating for 1.5 years.
The reason he gave for breaking up with me is that he thinks I don’t want children and he has decided he does. He made the assumption from a 5 second conversation we had at the beginning of the relationship and a couple of comments I made to brother who was making a joke this past Christmas. He never made any indication that he was starting think he wanted to have kids someday (last I heard, at the beginning of the relationship was that he was unsure – literally, it was a 5 second conversation). When he broke up with me and told me this was the reason, I tried to convey that it wasn’t that I don’t want kids, just not right now because neither of us had discussed it and I didn’t feel we were in a financial or emotional position at this time in our lives to have kids. I have always assumed I would have them a little later in life like my parents. But he wouldn’t accept that and had already checked out of the relationship.
We have had fights over the course of our relationship mostly due to my insecurities, which I fully admit to. He is also a very insecure person. In the conversation we had after he broke up with me, I was able to get the following things out of him.
– He doesn’t feel like he makes me happy (he did, but I had a hard time showing that apparently),
– he doesn’t feel good enough for me (thinks I am smarter than him, I make more money),
– doesn’t like how our relationship started (he cheated on his ex-girlfriend with me – I am not proud of this either and it has weighed heavily on my mind as well),
– he has lost his love for me and not sure he knows what love is,
– doesn’t like that his automatic reaction to anything tough is anger (he feels he relies on anger)
– blames himself for his parents divorce (he was 15)
– doesn’t want to turn out like his father (don’t know the whole story there)
A week after the breakup he came back to the apartment to get the rest of things moved out, I had to push him to do this as he had left his things all over the floor where they were when he lived here (he did no packing). I was having a hard time dealing with the break up (as I am still fully in love with him) and couldn’t handle living with his ghost essentially. He was very angry with me when he first arrived, but I was able to calm him down and ultimately he left amicably.
I am still fully in love with him, I feel that we can grow together and be amazing parents… just not right now. I want to convey this to him, but I don’t know how or if I even should. I feel we are meant to be together and we fit together so well. But he seems set in the decision that he made about me and my desire for children.
So, do I have a chance to get him back? Should I even try at this point? How do you open up that kind of conversation when regaining contact with an ex? Obviously if we did try again, there would have to a major conversation about our problems and then we would have to agree to start over (not pick up where we left off) with the same goal in mind.
SWhittle
January 14, 2016 at 2:31 pm
I forgot to add that I fully admit to my faults and insecurities that led to our problems in the end. I am willing and trying to work on those and hope that he will be willing as well. I just have a gut feeling that we would work if we can get past the walls both of us put up.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 16, 2016 at 5:42 am
HI SWittle,
You know admitting your faults is great and better when you want to change them but don’t forget to love yourself too. Sometimes a person is not really admitting his/her faults it’s just how they look at themselves because of their insecurity. I’m not saying you’re that. It’s just a reminder because I don’t want you to be. Everybody has a chance. We may not guarantee 100% but there always is. But if both of you have insecurities, even about things that should have been moved on from, like him believing he’s the reason for his parent’s divorce, will strain your relationship if you/him keeps carrying those baggage.
His insecurities are for him to solve. When somebody we love is like that, we are here to encourage and try our best not to add to their insecurities and inspire them how to raise their self-esteem by loving ourselves. It’s not our job to change them. We can inspire them but keep in mind, we only inspire somebody when the success happens in our life or self.
Actually I agree with your plan. –” Obviously if we did try again, there would have to a major conversation about our problems and then we would have to agree to start over (not pick up where we left off) with the same goal in mind.” –This is good.
I think this can help you too. Your Ex Boyfriends Insecurity
krazy love
December 12, 2015 at 7:27 pm
Great article! I would consider myself half introvert and half extrovert…I am outgoing as I say how I feel and have an outgoing attitude but I am like the introvert when it comes to activities, hate parties majority of time. My ex however is a deep thinker, an introvert…has been rejected/cheated on in past and I was the one he really opened up to. He admitted this. He also said I brought out a chatty side to him. However he is an extrovert with dating…he has been on many dates and no doubt going on them during my NC period…I think he ditched me for more options. As I have said on other comments…it was a blindsided breakup with little explanation. I am afraid the deep thinker part of him was happening while I was unaware. He had made me jealous, not vica versa…and i didnt respond well with this…it is day 4 NC and he has had time to deep think about how I am better than the girls who wronged him…yet no text. We were together six weeks and I assumed a msg would come sooner rather than later..wouldn’t an introvert need less NC than an extrovert because he allows himself more time to think?
The different, adult guy
December 4, 2015 at 9:41 pm
Hi, Chris! I Think your site is very informative but I feel as it´s lacking a type of guy. Me and my ex are in our 30´s (he’s pushing 40) and we began dating this spring. We live a couple of hours apart and he has children and a very hectic life. He was very serious with me in the beginning, and let me meet his children which was a huge deal for him as he wants to protect them from heartaches. Somewhere around here I freaked out, I had huge romantic expectations on the relationship that I felt weren´t met in the way I wanted to and with the kids involved I felt I had to make a decision before it went too far, and we would bond and hurt if it didn’t last. So I broke up with him. And of course regretted the whole thing the next day. He got really upset, zoned out and told me that he can’t be in this kind of unstable relationship, he can’t fall apart when he has his kids to think about. In someway I managed to turn it around and he agreed to continueing to see me. The next time we saw each other he told me he had missed me, and we had a few good days together. Before I left for home, I wanted to just talk through what I had been feeling, and why, and this turned out to be a big mistake. This is where he withdrew his emotions altogether, he didn’t have the energy to deal with more dwelling. We have been trying to see each other for two months after that, but he’s not in it at all. Says it doesn´t feel right, that we misunderstand each other. And the last month and a half it´s been me calling, he doesn’t do anything on his own, doesn’t want to see me. He sounds frustrated with me, but says I’ve done everything I can, that I deserve better, I have good qualities and everything and that he wants the best for me, but he can’t give it to me. During this time I have been contacting him all the time, wanting to prove I won’t do a runner again, since that was his fear in the beginning. But now he says he is totally emotionally shut off towards me and that he has too much on his plate right now. My own analysis of this is that he is a cautious guy that took a risk with me, I scared him, he turned off his feelings and started to rely on his logics instead which told him that this is a bad idea and he can’t really be relaxed around me anymore. He even agrees with my theory. I talked with him about 1,5 weeks ago, just settled that he doesn’t want to see me at all anymore. Texted him last night, wanted to neutralize the nagging image of me so I basically apologized for not listening to him needing space, that I was caught in my own feelings but that with some space I’ve realized I went too far in trying to prove myself to him. Said that I’m not sure if we’ll ever get in touch again but if we do I don’t want to talk about the past anymore (the dwelling has been off-putting to him, so I wanted to wipe the plate clean). I also told him that I don’t want him to have a bad conscience for hurting me, that I take my responsibility in handling the situation poorly. He replied immidiately this morning before work: Ok, everything is fine with me! You take care too! Hugs. So my question here is how does this work? He clearly doesn’t have any feelings left, he is not a manipulative guy at all, rather he has taken my feelings under great consideration and that’s why he took so long before he finally called it quits. I feel the advice about no contact concerns angry/immature guys who can’t stand the girl being with someone else, but what if he’s really one of the good guys who just wants to set me free? That’s the reason why I want him back, and I have resolved my issues I had when I broke up and have more realistic expectations. And I turned sour and snappy before because of this but I know that with my newfound knowledge about everything, I will be able to be that easy, funloving woman I truly am and I think that would draw him back. So I will do at least a month of nc, he won’t miss me (I know this) and I will try to just re-connect and try to be warm and fun and light. The hard thing for me will be to overcome his decision that this can’t work, because his mind is set in stone once he has made it up, and it also worries me that we didn’t form a strong enough bond before everything went south. A very long message, and I’m not sure you can help me at all here. I’ve read all of your articles and I can’t recognize how to handle a caring, considerate man who just fell out of love. No hard feelings, no intention to hurt me, doesn’t find me needy and he doesn’t think that there’s anything wrong with me showing vulnerability through all of this. He’s even afraid of seeing me will lead him to have sex with me (he’s very attracted to me in that sense still) and that feels wrong to him since we’re not in a emotional relationship. We also have different views on that by the way, which also I think has bugged him a bit, I’m a bit more openminded with that stuff. So, Chris, have any insights on this…? ;P