Today I’d like to look at texting from a broad perspective. More specifically, if it’s good to keep texting your ex every day.

In my opinion, texting your ex after a breakup is normal behavior, especially if it’s done with friendly intentions. However, it can turn into an unhealthy behavior if all you want is to win your ex back and you talking to them hinders your self development.

Let’s pull on that thread a bit.

In today’s article we are going to cover the following topics,

• Should you be texting your ex every day?
• The ideal texting trajectory
• Situations where you shouldn’t be texting them

We have a lot to cover here so let’s get after it.

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Should You Be Texting Your Ex Every Day?

There’s a short answer and a long answer to this.

The short answer: No

The long answer: No, but it depends on what your overall goal is.

That’s where this situation becomes extra complicated.

If you have a desire to win your ex back I think the ultimate goal should be that by the end of the process you are back to talking to them every day but that result needs to happen organically. I’ll talk about what I mean by that in a moment but first I’d like to talk about why I believe it’s not a good idea to talk to your ex every day.

Ok, this year I’ve really done a lot of research on attachment styles. Specifically, what type of attachment styles our clients and their exes have.

Our clients tend to exhibit more anxious styles,

This simply means that they are more prone to desperate behaviors because their core wound revolves around being abandoned and after a breakup that core wounds gets triggered.

On the other hand, our clients exes tend to exhibit more of an avoidant style,

This means that our clients exes have a natural inclination towards being more independent.

So, one of the reasons I’m not a fan of texting your ex every day after a breakup (at least initially) is that I think it comes off as too much of an anxious type of behavior. One of the adjectives that is often used to describe anxious people is that they are “naggy.”

And you want to know what naggy people do?

They text you.

Nonstop.

But it seems like I’m contradicting myself because above I mentioned that the goal, if you want an ex back, should be to text them every day.

The Ideal Texting Trajectory

I’m going to dust off my digital pencil and give you some very poorly drawn graphics.

Below is what typical texting trajectory looks like throughout a relationship.

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We have the beginning of a relationship.

The honeymoon period. Everything is new and exciting. You want to learn everything about your new partner. You can stay up till 3AM chatting with them about everything under the sun.

Then we have the middle of the relationship.

You still text a lot but things are beginning to stagnate. It’s not that they are boring it’s just that your relationship has evolved. No longer do you need to text them as much.

Then we have the end of the relationship.

You break up with them or they break up with you.

You probably still text them and things are cordial but as time creeps forward the rate at which the two of you have a texting conversation drys up until one day you realize it’s been a week since you last communicated.

That’s what the typical texting trajectory looks like throughout the life cycle of a relationship.

Now, here’s the major mistake that people make in the post breakup period when it comes to texting.

Basically after a breakup people fall into the fighter mentality.

If you aren’t aware, one of the worst mistakes you can make in mixed martial arts after getting rocked is to stand right back up and pay your opponent back. This is usually what causes fighters to get knocked out. Why? Well, when someone “rocks you” it makes your head all fuzzy. So, by standing back up and trying to fight someone when everything is fuzzy you are actually more prone to get knocked out.

Its smarter to wait until your head clears before you try to get back up and fight.

In this instance, the big mistake people make after a breakup is trying to fix things too soon. This is often what makes people appear more anxious and can cause an avoidant ex to flee.

Instead, here’s the ideal texting trajectory.

A couple of things to note here.

That blue section where it seems like things are stagnant. Well, that’s the no contact rule.

But also look at the green section.

Notice how it isn’t just a furious ascent to the top. Rather it roller coaster approach.

• Two steps forward.
• One step back.
• Two steps forward.
• One step back.

In terms of texting it looks like this.

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• Two days texting
• One day break
• Three days texting
• Two days break

I’ve often referred to this concept as tide theory and used the analogy of watching a tide go from low to high and how it happens so incrementally that you can’t actually pinpoint the exact moment when it occurs. Same principle here. That’s how you should be texting your ex after a breakup if you want them back.

But there’s still a pretty big piece to the puzzle we haven’t discussed yet.

In what situations should you be texting your ex and in what situations shouldn’t you be texting them.

The best way to tackle this is probably by looking at the situations where I don’t think you should be texting an ex.

Situations Where You Shouldn’t Text Your Ex

I don’t want this list to run very long mostly because I don’t want to spend ten minutes on a write up for each of these things. So, I’m going to opt to give you the list, with a quick explanation and then move on.

• You haven’t completed a no contact rule
• You haven’t outgrown your ex during that no contact rule
• You don’t want them back
• You don’t have emotional control for the zeigarnik effect

Alright, now time for the quick explanation.

You Haven’t Completed A No Contact Rule

Remember this part of our texting trajectory?

If you haven’t completed a no contact rule then you shouldn’t be texting your ex.

Why?

Well, I think it seamlessly transitions to our next “situation.”

You Haven’t Outgrown Your Ex

The one consistent theme I’ve noticed among our success stories is the simple fact that many of them claim that they started to see results when they got to this place emotionally where they were ok with letting them go.

In other words, during the no contact rule they outgrew their ex.

I find this to be the essential component that separates the successful individuals from the unsuccessful ones. Really think about it though, someone who has outgrown their ex has a certain swagger about them. They don’t rely on their ex for their own happiness and so they aren’t obsessed if their ex responds to their texts or not.

You Don’t Want Them Back

Probably the easiest on the list is if you don’t even want your ex back.

As harsh and impractical as it may seem, if you don’t want your ex back and you don’t share kids or pets with them then you might have an easier time getting over them by simply cutting them out of your life for good.

You Don’t Have Emotional Control For The Zeigarnik Effect

Two important components to talk about here.

The zeigarnik effect is an essential tactic you can use to drum up interest in your conversations.

Its a psychological component that states that people remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.

So, how it relates to texting is that you engage your ex in a conversation, a really good one and then when the high point of the conversation comes about you drop out of it,

Doing this may seem easy on the outside but the truth is that it requires you to have a lot of discipline and emotional control because usually the high point of a conversation is the part of the conversation that you don’t want to end.

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