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The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
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Nicki
November 18, 2013 at 1:16 am
Hi
My boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. We have been long distance for almost a year now. He has told me that he would be home in not too long but he always kept changing his mind. I kept asking him and was pressuring him and I didn’t realize it until this was over. I just kept thinking if he was actually in love with me he would want to come home sooner. He lives out West and said this is the only time in his life he can do this without having responsibilities.I love him and he did love me he says, but the fact that he doesn’t visit often, and has no idea when he wants to come home makes me feel like he actually doesn’t. I knew he wasn’t cheating on me, but I constantly worried and asked because my past experiences were not the best. So when he didn’t want to visit anytime soon(he says because he couldn’t afford it and wanted to take advantage of everything he can do out west) or wanted to come home I got upset and just picked stupid fights with him and was mean. I just didn’t think and acted that way because I was hurt. So I pushed him away, and then he wanted to break up. Now he says he cares about me a lot and still has feelings and hasn’t moved on but he doesn’t have those love feelings right now, and is interested in no drama and having fun out west. He said this relationship was too hard long distance while he is out there and he doesn’t want to be pressured. He said this doesn’t necessarily mean we are completely over, but for now he can’t handle this relationship. I love him and don’t want to lose him. I know I went crazy and pushed him and I just feel like I screwed this up so much and just blame myself for everything. I know it’s long distance, but when we’re together it’s so different. Also the fact I always have more time then him, got me more upset when he was busy, which I know wasn’t right.
admin
November 18, 2013 at 6:24 pm
Why don’t you read my guide on LDR
Nicki
November 18, 2013 at 10:53 pm
where do you find that? Do you think I just have to give up?
admin
November 19, 2013 at 6:18 pm
Sorry I lost the context of our convo. Find what?
Anonymous
November 17, 2013 at 12:53 am
Hi. Im 25 and my much older boyfriend broke up with me because he met my mother and she wouldnt approve of our relationship since hes been married and divorced before. My mother lives with me to help with my daughter while im in school and work. She threatened to leave me if i stayed with him. How dare she make me choose! So he broke up with me that very night because he didnt want to come between me and my mother. I respect that of him but its been a lil more than 2 weeks and i guess we are in the no contact zone right now. We went on 2 years without meeting eachothers families and everything was perfect. I was supposed to meet his family the next weekend and i never got that chance. I feel like a complete loser that our relationship failed at the hands of my mother. We also work together and its torture seeing him ignore me. I want him back so bad but i dont know what it means for my future with him and my mother. I wanted to wait until christmas when im done with this semester so that i have time to think about our relationship and if its worth saving. But im afraid that waiting will backfire and he will lose interest in me and move on. Im so lost and it hurts so bad!
admin
November 17, 2013 at 7:57 pm
Why would she make you choose?
Maybe you can wait but not as long as christmas?
Anonymous
November 18, 2013 at 4:35 pm
Well I crackef yesterday and i called and texted but he didn’t answer or respond. Now I feel worse than ever. I have no hope in getting hom back.
admin
November 18, 2013 at 7:11 pm
Well you shouldn’t have cracked… its going to be ok though.
Anonymous
November 18, 2013 at 1:20 am
So how long? Its been 2 wks you think its ok to break the no contact rule? In the end I lose someone very important in my life.
admin
November 18, 2013 at 6:27 pm
I think 4 weeks is the way to do it.
Anonymous
November 13, 2013 at 11:39 pm
A while back (in September), I was told that this boy had a crush on me. After a few days, I decided to give it a shot and talk to him. We hit it off pretty well, and speak of the devil, the school dance was coming up! I was really nervous, but by the end of it, I musted up the courage to ask him. Unfortunately, he couldn’t go, but he promised he would make it up to me. After 2 weeks of dating (we were happy!), we finally broke up, in October. It was because he lost interest in me, and he liked someone else. I followed the NCR, and I took that time to get myself together. I feel ready to talk to him. I know I had made mistakes, and I want to fix them, because I feel that we would be much better as a whole. You see, I got too clingy, insecure, and I sort of let myself go. But, there is a MAJOR problem.
My ex likes a girl who is prettier, smarter, more talented, more popular, etc.. And these girl is mean to me, every day… I guess he just hates me that much… The girl told me that I creep him out a LOT. I can almost guarantee that if I talk to him, he is going to ignore me. When that happens, that girl is going to give me hell. I read the article “if he is dating someone else,” but I don’t think it will work in my situation. I fear that if I do get him back, he is just going to use me and then dump me for the other girl.
Call me a psychopath, but I can really see a future with this guy. You can give me your honest opinion saying that “it’s never going to happen,” because I’m not going to lie to myself and fall into an unhealthy obsession. But, is there any way I can actually talk to him and also get him back?
admin
November 14, 2013 at 6:59 pm
Why would I call you a psychopath? If you see a future with him that just makes you sure of what you want.
Not too fond of the way you think some girl is prettier, smarter and more talented than you. How long have you been in NC before?
Anonymous
November 15, 2013 at 12:11 am
I’ve been in NC for about a month and a half. I took that time to cool down and get myself together. I’m back to normal (and better than ever!), and I feel ready to talk to him. I tried once (in person), but he just ignored me :/ I know for sure that he’s not doing the NCR. It seems that he doesn’t want anything to do with me…
I was told by one of his best friends that he likes that girl. And it’s obvious that he does. This friend also said that I really creep him out, and that he loathes me… No wonder he doesn’t want to talk to me…
Like I said, I fear that if we ever do get back together, he’s just going to use me, then dump me for the other girl.
The legitimate reason for us getting back together is that we were (honestly) really happy during our relationship. He promised that one day, we’d watch the sunset together, but I never got that 🙁 My friends were saying, “He’s an a$$, just get over it!” Like I mentioned above, I got too clingy and insecure.
I know this seems far-fetched, but I feel that if I diminish my neediness and insecurity, we would be MUCH better as a whole.
As I questioned above, is there any way I could actually talk to him? At the same time, I want to tell him how I feel about all of this, and remind him of the good times. I deleted his number right after the breakup, so I can’t do this by text 😛
admin
November 15, 2013 at 6:22 pm
Get his number from a friend maybe? Facebook?
Anonymous
November 15, 2013 at 11:39 pm
I would, but I can’t. No one will give it to me, because they say that I’m going to spam him with a billion texts expressing my love -_- And they were getting very suspicious on why I wanted his number.
As I was trying to say, he wants NOTHING to do with me… I tried talking to him again, and just when I was about to say something, one of his friends (friends with the girl he likes) told me to f*ck off. I guess just I can’t get him back, no matter how hard I try…
admin
November 16, 2013 at 9:25 pm
Maybe you should lay off him for a while. He is obviously very mean about things now.
Frankie
November 12, 2013 at 9:22 pm
Hi I really need help!
My (ex)boyfriend and I have been of 1 year and half broke up with me on saturday. He said he didn’t see a future for us. So I basically cried all night. He then called me in the morning and said he had made a big mistake and wanted to give it another go. I have said we would talk about it saturday and I have no idea on how to approach this talk :S
A little background is that it is a long distance relationship and he is also significantly older than me. Before we broke up we weren’t in an argument just talking and earlier he had said he wanted to be with me forever. He then said that the reason that he felt we don’t have a future is because I went home early.
please help! I really love him and I see a future
admin
November 13, 2013 at 6:48 pm
Well have you done NC yet?
Frankie
November 13, 2013 at 10:22 pm
No I didn’t think it was relevant as we are planning to get back together :S
sushmita jena
November 9, 2013 at 2:20 am
my boyfriend broke up with me due his earning and family responsibilities, he suddenly told me that he can not keep me happy because he cant earn sufficient money and he iz having lots of responsibilities in his life.. so he broke up with me since last 3 weeks.. what i should do…we have 3 years of good relationship. we have no prblm in that in that 3 years.. we are very much comfortable with each other.. sudenly one day he told me like this.. what to do.?? is their any chances of comming back of my boyfriend.. plse reply soon..
admin
November 10, 2013 at 12:33 am
Broke up with you because of his earnings?
Have you done NC yet?
Antonia Noel-Buxton
November 3, 2013 at 6:52 pm
Hi,
I really need help, I was originally with my ex from 15 to 19 , he was depressed and bi-polar and due to this we had a turbulent relationship but we adored each other, I left him quite abruptly and moved up north with my parents as I could not cope with his behaviour towards me and himself anymore, I very quickly during the break up found my current boyfriend who is up north with me we have been together nearly 4 years now however due to depression and closure I have recently got back in contact with my ex who has been incredibly supportive and claims to have changed and got over all his demons and is now happy he says he loves me as a person still and fancies me but doesn’t want to say he’s in love with me as he hasn’t seen me in 5 years, however we are meeting up in a couple of weeks to catch up as friends and I really am starting to feel like he could really be good for me now we are both more mature, I never actually wanted to leave I just had to to keep myself sane, any thoughts or tips as to how I can find out if he still cares or how to get him to care would be great!
Thanks
Antonia
admin
November 4, 2013 at 4:57 pm
Well my best tips are to look at his actions. Are his actions saying that he still cares?
Antonia Noel-Buxton
November 4, 2013 at 10:00 pm
Well he said it was a good idea to meet and that before he commits to saying anything more he says I should wait for us to see each other even though he has said he loves me as a person but still would have sex with me which is confusing me, he still says he wants to protect me when I am sad and crying , when ever I ring him up upset over something he always says stay safe and is always there if I need to ring him, he has also been saying I would be happier if I moved back down south but he says it’s for my benefit but I am not sure if it’s for him, and every time he describes the type of person who would be good for me he is pretty much describing himself I.e a bit older, got a substantial job, mature, capable of understanding my depressive condition, other than that it’s hard to gage his actions as I haven’t spoken to him much except that he also said he regrets any hurt he caused me and has really tried to repress and has changed as a person and lives with the guilt of what he did, he also wishes he had got to do the things which were important to me like dancing with him at our prom, dropping out of important events he was meant to do with me, so I am not sure really?
Thanks
Antonia
admin
November 5, 2013 at 5:29 pm
I think he means it when he says he regrets hurting you.
Antonia Noel-Buxton
November 6, 2013 at 11:37 pm
But does that mean I still have a chance or is he over me? I do t know how to act when I see him for the first time in 5 years
admin
November 7, 2013 at 5:45 pm
You still have a chance but a chance doesn’t guarantee success.
Antonia Noel-Buxton
November 7, 2013 at 7:20 pm
Does it sound like he still cares in that way from what I have said? And how should I behave when I see him?
admin
November 8, 2013 at 5:49 pm
Deep down I think he does. However, when you see him you need to be pure class. Confident, sexy, but you need to control the conversation and smile a lot.
Antonia Noel-Buxton
November 12, 2013 at 7:36 pm
Well I have a tight classy dress which covers everything well but doesn’t leave much to the imagination in terms of shape with a nice black leather jacket and boots, should I mention anything about getting back together or leave him to it if he likes the look of me? And is a hug hello ok? I am just not sure what amount of flirting is ok?
admin
November 13, 2013 at 6:38 pm
Well, as a guy let me just say one thing: wear something not too revealing but revealing enough if you catch my drift.
rose
October 31, 2013 at 8:27 am
Very helpful site! By the way,me and my bf had a healthy relation i would say,but he broke me up just a couple days ago,we were in along distance relation,everything went right with in our two years relation,he met my family in the phil. and i met his family as well in his country,we even planned the marriage thing,the only problem is im only separated and cant get into marriage but we agreed that we do my annulment as there is no divorce in the Phil.While we are parted away we keep our communication through skype,3 times a day,everything was almost perfect until he realised that the annulment takes 2 to 3 years to be done,and because of this he said that he cant wait that long,as he afraid that there might be something will happen with in this time(he might be tempted to another relation)and he doesnt want to cheat on me so he decided to have a break,but he doesnt want to stop contact with me as a friend but not the way we used to be.He told me to continue my annulment process and we will see when everything is sorted out,what is gonna to happen.We are still talking till now and we even going to meet this end of month as he is coming to Dubai.i really want him back as our relation was almost perfect the only hindrance is my annulment that takes time to get sorted.Do you think there is a chance for us to get together in the future?
admin
October 31, 2013 at 7:45 pm
Hey there Rose!
Have you seen my long distance guide yet?
Val
October 29, 2013 at 4:19 pm
My boyfriend of 5 1/2 years just ended things on Sunday. He comes from a far more liberal family than I do; my very religious mother doesn’t believe that couples should take overnight trips or live together before marriage. We were still sexually active. He does, and considers it one of his core values. I realize that not everything in our relationship was perfect, but easily 95% percent of our relationship was positive. This was our major hurdle. We’ve agreed to reassess in a couple of weeks, and believe that we can still be good friends regardless. What do you think the odd are of a reconciliation?
admin
October 30, 2013 at 3:57 am
You mentioned your mother. Was he at odds with her?
Georgina
October 26, 2013 at 12:12 pm
After liking this guy for just under a year, we started going out, we had such an amazing time together, when I was with him, everything just felt right and I could just spend so long getting lost in his eyes and everyday I felt over the moon cos I had this amazing guy who was perfect in every way and he wanted to be with me. But almost a month ago now he broke up with me saying “Look I’m sorry you’re really nice but I don’t really think this is working we just don’t really have enough in common :/ I think it would be better if we had a break at least until my Cambridge exam that I’m really stressed for 3: no hard feelings? :/” the day after I met his parents.
Firstly, is that a legitamate reason to get back together? I mean we have so much in common, everyone always said so, even his best friend (who is my best friends boyfriend, would it make it too awkward to get back together? Also I see him every Wednesday for a club we both go to, is that breaking the non contact rule?)
Secondly, is that the real reason for the break up or is it an excuse?
Also, is him saying we need a break just an easier way for him to break up with me or does he honestly just want a break?
And lastly, do you think we honestly could get back together?
Sorry that this was so long, but I really would love your help
Thanks 🙂
admin
October 26, 2013 at 6:02 pm
NC will have to be limited contact when you both see eachother at the club.
A break in my mind is usually the same thing as a breakup or at least leads to one.
I think you can get back together.
Jess
October 26, 2013 at 6:57 am
Hi Chris !
So I recently broke up with my boyfriend of over a year.
We had been having nigling fights because of his lack of respect for me. It was during his exams so he was very stressed and he was just not himself. We’d agreed to work on things and had been quite good, and then he invaded my privacy to make sure i wasn’t contacting people on social media that he didn’t want to me to. I made a rash decision and dumped him on the spot. He had said he was sorry he’d done the wrong thing but I was so fed up I couldn’t take it in and broke it off.
He went straight into NC..I haven’t heard from him nor have I contacted him..I desperately want to pull the plug and say sorry jokes over but I feel like he’s committed to showing just how much he doesn’t need me and I may not be able to bring him back around? Please help
admin
October 26, 2013 at 5:58 pm
Well, YOU go NC!
B
October 25, 2013 at 7:49 pm
I am on my fifth day of NC and I’ve been plagued with anxiety since the first day. This is longest I’ve gone without talking to my ex (my best friend!) in two years. These past few days have forced me to realize that I changed like night to day while we were together.
Before we started our relationship, I had several friends that I’d talk to and hang out with regularly. I was the life of the party, a free bird, a partner in crime, or whatever you’d like to call it. When my ex and I started dating, those platonic relationships fell out of importance and I isolated myself. They called me out on it several times- “You’ve changed, don’t you see it?!”- but I didn’t care because I was so over-the-moon happy that no one else mattered. Without those friendships, I directed all my love and attention to my ex. I smothered him, and would send him on guilt-trips if I didn’t feel the attention was reciprocated. I convinced myself I didn’t need anyone else, nor should he. Now my world has seemingly imploded and I feel lonelier than ever before.
Our breakup makes complete sense to me, and it’s painful to acknowledge it was my own undoing. I made my ex my entire life, and now realize how stupid that was. I realized this shortly before our breakup, but the sh*t hit the fan before I could make a change. I know what I have to do and I want to make it happen. I am building up my own life again, but I can’t help kick this hopeless feeling that he’ll never take me back. How can I convince him that I am not a ball and chain?
E
December 15, 2013 at 5:52 am
B,
I was wondering how your situation is going now, because I’m in somewhat of the same position. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me in October. While we were still together I did realized that I had to get better at keeping my own life going, but that doesn’t mean every now and then I didn’t act pathetic and try to make him give me more, more, more. We lived together and had a great time together, and he wasn’t complaining, so what more did I want? Pretty much, I couldn’t shake the insecurity about how he felt, so we broke up when I cornered him and he went cold. Like yours, my break-up makes complete sense to me, too…I probably would have broken up with me, the way I acted sometimes. We’ve had a few encounters that lead to overnight stays in the last couple months, but I did see someone else for a couple weeks, and he was really upset when he found out (I knew I wasn’t ready to move on, don’t know why I tried). We’re on friendly terms and I’m still hopeful, so I’m giving the no-contact a shot…5 days in. There are obviously details of our stories that are hard to convey to people that don’t know each another, but I’d really appreciate you letting me know if anything has helped your situation. So far I’m just trying to keep on making myself happy in the things I do and people I see, and putting myself out there a little more in my profession. Thanks for your help!
admin
December 15, 2013 at 7:40 pm
You are doing things right then if you are trying to make yourself happy.
Obviously NC is important.
admin
October 26, 2013 at 5:38 pm
Well right now you are doing what you are supposed to be doing now comes the hardest part, patience.
Sj
October 13, 2013 at 5:31 am
I found this post interesting. It sure did shed some light on the subject for me. I don’t know if it helps my case. I am trying to figure out if I’m nuts or if I was truly in love. I broke up with someone in 2009…it is now 2013… he as been in his new relationship for 3 years and I was in one for a few years also. The whole time he was in my head , I mourned him while in my relationship (not fair to the bf,i know) but I felt I couldn’t be with him. To this day I fear new relationships and falling in love because “what if” that is when he pops up…. I don’t know how to let go…if I should… If it’s lust,love,insanity
admin
October 13, 2013 at 10:30 pm
I guess all I can say is sometimes you have to take a risk to get the relationship you want.
J
October 10, 2013 at 5:21 pm
Hi Chris,
Thank you for such an informative post. I’ve done a lot of thinking and all you said were true. My ex broke up with me recently because he wasn’t sure he loved me the same anymore. I can think of so many reasons why NOT to be with my ex – including my family now hates him, he did the same thing to his exes (one of which is my cousin), him hurting me like this, and all the things that I use to find endearing and annoying at the same time. I tried so desperately to understand why I want to be with him. But I don’t have any… I just love him. He is the only person I’ve ever even thought about having a future with and I do think we will have a great future together if we moved past everything. I don’t know why but despite everything, I find that I have already forgiven him. Should I still pursue him and get him to take me back or should I move on? I don’t want to push him into taking me back but I don’t want to live regretting how things could have been.
What would you do in this situation?
Thank you so much for your time and input!
admin
October 10, 2013 at 7:04 pm
Well, it is a decision you need to come to on your own. All I will say is if you want him back make sure that it’s what you want!
Pretty happy
October 8, 2013 at 11:00 pm
This was a very insightful.
I am friends with most of my exes. It was only with two people that I decided to pursue a second beginning.
The first one happened when I was at college. We broke up pretty quickly. I have always been attracted to the unconventional types and this guy fit that stereotype to the T. Unfortunately we both got into the relationship in a dodgy way, he cheated on his girlfriend and I am ashamed to say that I didn’t object to it which in hindsight I should have. Things fell apart when I started seeing one of his mates shortly after we broke up. He didn’t speak to me for eight years and I held a guilt for having made him suffer. Eigt years on in different cities we rekindled a long distance romance. By then I had finished college and both of us were planning on pursuing uni. Unbeknownst to me we were both very different people. He was beginning to go conventional in his approach to live, dream of a middle class life while I at that point wanted to pursue my vocation and get better at it. Also I was never forgiven for leaving him for his mate and he never apologised for cheating on his girlfriend to be with me. When I finally met him in his city there was nothing to be salvaged. Now we hardly speak.
The second one was when I was in uni. We got together because we had lots in common, a sense of familiarity grew at the moment we met. He is the type you would take to your mother. At that point it bothered me. He wanted something serious but I wanted something light also because we didn’t know each other. He became obsessively drawn to me but I did not feel that spark. I had shared some of the most memorable moments of my life with him. Also in that state of mind I wasn’t appreciative of him. After we dissolved this relationship we remained friends for the next three years. We would meet often, exchange letters, go for long walks. I realised I misse being with him. I went through many heartbreaks being with men who never appreciated me until I was faced with an abortion. I couldn’t deal with the crisis and needed help. My ex and I went for a long walk and discussed this. He told me that my situation was unavoidable at that point but he said he was confident that I will get through. That was it! Having someone believing in you while you’re at your worst moment wa a shining reminder how much I didn’t appreciate this wonderful man. Also through the course of three years I realised even though he has a conventional job, a conventional upbringing he is interested in a lot of esoteric things like me.
We got together and I couldn’t be more happy about it. I wasn’t in that state of mind to understand the value of this man. Sometimes I worry whether the reputcution of loss affected my decision but one important lesson for me was to appreciate what loss brings you. I value him more than anything because he makes me feel appreciated, loved and most importantly important. I managed to overcome my depression on my own and started work again. I didn’t think we would get back together at that time because I was busy making necessary changes in my life but we did.
Ironically it was my first ex who told me choose the people you decide to go out with. That was very good advice.
admin
October 9, 2013 at 2:25 am
Glad you got something out of the post 🙂
Christy
October 8, 2013 at 8:49 am
Hi Chris!
I need some help. My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up after realizing we weren’t in crazy irrational love with each other like in the movies. We literally watched a romantic movie, talked about it the next day, and broke up. It was a rash decision when I wasn’t in a good place emotionally.
I want him back because he truly is the best person I will ever date, and because our relationship was really happy and we shared the same values and wanted the same things out of life. We agreed on a lot and so rarely fought, so I guess our communication did not have a chance to develop very well. We deeply cared about each other, had great respect for each other, and both felt we were so lucky to have each other. Unfortunately I started taking him for granted and he definitely felt unappreciated. Our activities got a bit stagnant, but we were both busy students.
Anyway, we broke up because he wasn’t in crazy love with me. He had never said that he loved me, ever. I thought it was obvious in how he treated me and cared for me. Yet he said he didn’t see a future with me. I did not see how I could be with someone who did not see a future with me. I hoped he would change his mind, but was insisted we separate. I thought his definition of love was really quite immature, despite his extreme intelligence, and thought he would come around. He hasn’t and wishes to be friends in some later future.
It is hard because there really wasn’t much wrong with our relationship and we were very happy with each other. Suddenly I’ve lost my love, my best friend, my steady companion.
In this case, do you think I have a legitimate reason to get back with him? Thank you so much for your time.
admin
October 9, 2013 at 1:57 am
I think so! I think it is worth fighting for another shot.
Emily
October 5, 2013 at 8:45 am
Hi
I’d been with my ex for 4 years. We were together since we were 17, so quite young, but stuck together throughout being apart for university. Our relationship was good, we had trust, we’re best friends and we loved each other, but because of busy lives we barely saw each other. Just before we broke up, this made me upset and told him of my concerns, but he told me everything would be ok and we would work it out. The next time we saw each other 2 days later, he answerd the door and could barely look at me. He was so distant and wouldn’t even hug me. I asked him what was wrong and he said he didn’t know. This started a very confusing two hour conversation, with him saying that not seeing each other was hurting him but that he still loved me, I’m his best friend but couldn’t do this anymore. When I asked him if this was it, he would only say “I think so”, but everything else he was saying, like “I really want to stay friends” sounded like he was pretty sure of his decision. I don’t know what happened in those two days which made him go from, we can work this out, to him totally giving up on us?
Since the break up, I’ve spoken to him once to sort out a practicality, and it’s all very amicable and it was reiterated that we would stay friends. He said he was glad we broke up when we did before we started resenting each other, but asked me to let him know my news.
I’m so confused. I still love him, and miss him so so much, but don’t know if he feels the same, or even if he does, whether getting back together is the right idea. The hardest part of this whole break up has been the loss of my best friend and confidante. I don’t know what is best.
admin
October 6, 2013 at 12:13 am
Ok, have you started NC by any chance?
Emily
October 6, 2013 at 3:41 pm
I have, haven’t contacted him for a week.
admin
October 7, 2013 at 12:22 am
Well thats good! Haha what else are you doing?
Rio
October 1, 2013 at 3:03 am
My boyfriend and I were only together for 3.5 months (though that is the longest relationship I’ve had with anyone), but we went through a great deal of things. We were both badly in love with each other and often spoke of getting married, having a life together, and not knowing what it’s like to love someone/have someone mean this much to each other as we did to one another. Unfortunately, my parents did not approve of me having a relationship at “my age” (I’m still at home and their idea of the correct age to start single/steady dating is 18) and so, in order for us to be together (our relationship started last May and ended almost 3 weeks ago) over the summer, we’d have to sneak out and try to meet up with each other. One of my biggest flaws is that I don’t have much integrity, whereas my boyfriend felt horrid about me having to go behind my parents’ backs to be together. My parents really liked him, just they didn’t want us to be in a serious relationship. So we finally decided to cut things back a bit and try to listen to my parents — which meant no texting (I was banned from texting him for a while because I got found out, but he got a pseudo number to text me for about a month… then we decided to stop and wait for my parents to unblock his number) for two weeks. Unfortunately, right when we decided to stop texting each other was when things started to get rocky. I fear that was a big mistake of timing on my part, I should’ve just left it at my parents blocking his number so we would still badly want to text each other, then when we finally regain contact it would be a beautiful reunion, but I was worried that if we were apart for too long it would take its toll and it would be too late.
By the time school started back up my boyfriend and I weren’t talking, not looking at each other, hardly acknowledging each others’ presence. Things really just went downhill from there. I tried to confront him about it but he would never respond. He didn’t break up with me until a mutual friend finally figured out from him that he thought we weren’t mean to work out anyway and that it’s best if we’re apart, then I finally firmly confronted him and said, “You HAVE to break up with me. You promised me you would never just drag it out with no explanation, so please hold to that promise.” (or something along the lines of that).
I never received a solid “why” or “what happened” explanation from him, but I have a good guess. He was tired of having to sneak around in order to have a relationship with me, and I didn’t necessarily have the best qualities. I know he truly loved me, and I still badly love him, more than I’ve loved anyone. I have mistakes to fix, and I want to be a better person not just for him, but for me.
This all being said, I don’t want to ask for a second chance until I’m nearing the age of 18. That way, my parents will allow it, we won’t have any of our past complications, and I’ll have had enough time to fix myself up. My biggest worry is that that’s too far away (neither of us turn 18 til towards the end of senior year, and that’s the 2014-15 school year), and he’ll have moved on by then. Also, he’s not the typical guy where the more someone doesn’t want him the more he wants that person. He gets discouraged very easily (not that high of self-esteem) and if the person is too hard to get he’ll just back down thinking he doesn’t deserve it or something of the sort. Also, he’s more likely to take the logical route over the emotional route, though he can be really deep in emotion at times, so it’s sometimes difficult to get him to “follow his heart”, if you will.
That was so long, and if you have the time to read through all of that and still help, that would help me IMMENSELY. Thanks so much 🙂
admin
October 1, 2013 at 11:51 pm
Okie doke my first question is where are you at now? Doing NC?
Jammy
September 30, 2013 at 1:25 am
Hi.I and my ex boyfriend broke up two months ago, but then 2 weeks after the break up, we decided to be in a “friends-with-benefits-relationship” thing like we act like we’re in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship just that it’s non-committed. And we even made a deal that if both of us will pass our examinations on November, both of us will get back and work out with our relationship. Unfortunately,last friday night(September 27,2013) We fought, because I get jealous of his girl teammate in badminton. My ex was so fond of the girl, and he even spent whole day and night texting the girl. I am so afraid losing my boyfriend just because of that girl, I get paranoid because our relationship started like that. And so I told him to avoid the girl, he got mad because he doesn’t even like the girl and he hates me for always being jealous everytime he got a new girl friend.I am certain that I was wrong for always being jealous.
But then, I was shock then when he told me to just forget about our feelings for each other and he told me to just move on and forget about the deal. I was hurt and so I cried so much in front of him and begging him I don’t want to end up everything. I asked him if he still loves me, and he told me that he is not sure if he still have feelings for me. He told me also that he’s so tired with my attitude, for being childish and for always getting jealous though he is not doing something wrong.He told me that we just stay casual friends and to forget about everything, even our feelings for each other and move on.
Should I gethim back? Because I really really love her.
admin
October 1, 2013 at 3:16 am
Well, you need to figure that out before you try anything.
Either way I can offer you help but firs tyou need to answer that question.
Jammy
October 1, 2013 at 5:15 am
Hmm, well, I still want him back though because I love him. We are both happy having each other and in a glimpse we ended up like we’re just strangers to each other. What’s bad is, we are classmates and it is so awkward whenever we meet. And yeah, the girl and him are hanging out often.He even told me not to bother about him anymore because we shouldn’t each others business anymore. What would be my first step then to get him back?
Thank you so much for replying!
admin
October 2, 2013 at 12:05 am
First step is usually the NC period.
Then you work to SLOWLY reignite his feelings. Though, getting through NC is a challenge in and of itself.
Jammy
October 3, 2013 at 11:18 am
Well yeah, what a wong move. I dont know how to make it in pace. 🙂
Jammy
October 2, 2013 at 11:09 am
I’ve done a wrong move. How is that? I blurted out all the pain i am feeling.. all the broken promises and all through text…
and he only said.. “MOVE ON” then nothing else. I am really upset right now because it pains me a lot seeing him everyday and the feeling of “I should be the one you’re hanging to.. i should be the one by your side right now…”
I wish I could still make it up 🙁
Thank you so much anyway for replying! Appreciate it so much!
admin
October 3, 2013 at 1:13 am
Well, it’s just I don’t want him to view you as “too emotional.” I know guys and they think that sometimes.
My opinion is that you have a right to say what you are feeling but we are dealing with an ex here and different rules are kind of applied.
Jen
September 24, 2013 at 10:47 pm
Hi! I realise I’m posting this quite a while after you published the article, but I’m really lost and would appreciate some advice…
My boyfriend of 5 months broke up we me 2 weeks ago. His reasons were:
– “I have not felt the same happiness as in the beginning of the relationship, I feel like I can’t say what I want or you’ll be sad”
– “We don’t really have that much in common, we have mostly only had sex and played videogames which has been wonderful, but is not really a good ground for a serious relationship”
There’s some stuff you need to know about the relationship to be able to help me (if you can): we are both 19, he’s studying economy while I’m looking for a job. We have some mutual interests (movies, videogames, music, parties, hanging out – just to name a few) and also some not so mutual interests. We have never really had a fight – we have become annoyed or disappointed with each other, but we have always stayed calm and talked it through. Our sex life was great, and we loved each other.
As for his first reason, I can’t help but to feel it’s a little unfair – for three months of the relationship I was on a birth control pill that made me extremely emotional and prone to crying. He was uncomfortable with that, and I’m pretty sure that’s why he said that he feels that he can’t talk freely in fear of me becoming sad. I told him that when he broke up with me, and he said that I can’t blame everything on the pills. I agree that I handled the situation a bit poorly sometimes, but I really do not think he understands the extent to which the pills affected me. I have changed pills now and even though this is the point where I can legitimately be sad (since I am unwillingly single) I am in much more control of my emotions than when I were on the first pills. (even my family has noticed that I wasn’t myself when I was on them.)
And I guess that him not being as giddy as he was in the beginning is probably because the relationship were moving from the infatuation phase into something deeper. I also think the fact that he started school again and felt pretty stressed had something to do with it, and the aforementioned birth control pill issue was probably also a factor.
I feel like I’m more understanding of his other reasons – since the beginning of the relationship, I had been aware that we were pretty different in some ways. His family is of a bit higher estate than mine and he can be a bit elitist, while I am very open minded and try really hard not to judge people. Our life goals are also pretty different – he wants to become rich and build a huge house and make that his life project, my dream is to become a character designer/concept artist but I’m happy as long as I work with something remotely creative and can spend time with my loved ones.
As for only having sex/playing videogames – I agree with that but I was the one trying to get us out of the house and do stuff, while he wanted to stay in bed so that complaint kinda came out of the blue. It’s not like we never do fun stuff either, but I can agree that we just chill the majority of the time. But I don’t really know what he expects out of a relationship, you can’t go parachuting, ride air balloons and have life-changing experiences everyday – sometimes it will be casual.
–
I’m really confused as to what I want to do. I’ve realised some things about myself – I was too dependant on him, I had trouble forgiving him when he had said something that made me sad (he never meant for me to become sad though, he could just be a bit careless sometimes). I know that my life will go on and I’ll be fine without him – but there’s also this longing inside me, a wish that we just could’ve worked out our issues instead. I have no doubt that it would’ve been possible for us to do that. And I’m currently going back and forth, contemplating whether to ask him to give us another chance or not. I’ve read a lot of websites saying that nothing good comes out of getting back together, and that you should “remember how toxic the relationship was”. But the thing is, our relationship was never toxic or bad. It had it’s less brilliant points as every relationships, but we communicated our wants and needs, sorted every problem out calmly but there was never any bad fights or abuse of any kind.
I know it has only been two weeks, but these thoughts and small hopes of maybe asking him to give it another chance is making it really hard for me to move on. I keep thinking to myself “How much time should I wait before discussing this with him, two months? Three?”
I am not sure if I want him back or not – but clearly there’s a part of me that does.
I would very much like your advice on this, what picture of the situation do you get out of my description? Would you encourage me to move on or try again?
admin
September 25, 2013 at 1:26 am
Before we do anything we need to figure out if you want him back or not.
Is your life better or worse with him in it?
Jen
September 25, 2013 at 1:57 pm
Thank you so much for answering!
My life was definitely better with him in it. I’ll survive if he doesn’t want me back, but he brought me so much happiness.
admin
September 26, 2013 at 2:59 am
Jen you have the right attitude. You want him back but you don’t NEED him back. You are going to do fine.
Lets focus on what you can do to improve your chances now. Have you read this site? The E-Book? Do you know what you are giong to do first?
Nadya
September 24, 2013 at 6:35 pm
I was with this man from 2000-2006 during that time we had a child. Before our son we were inseperable and very much in love the entire time we were together. In 2006 we fell apart from the suprise pregnancy. Now we live seperate lives but still communicate because of our child. I have always wanted to get our relationship back on track but I knew we needed to grow since we fell in love in high school. I am with someone but I do not love him and he is with someone but he expresses that he can not see himself with her for long. I still love him as much as I did back then. What should I do?
admin
September 25, 2013 at 1:11 am
Well, it might be a good idea to sort out your current relationship with your current partner first.