Is Your Ex Boyfriend Playing Mind Games On You? Let's Find Out!

652 thoughts on “Let’s Find Out If Your Ex Boyfriend Is Playing Mind Games”

Caroline

August 10, 2015 at 2:01 am

How are you Chris?

I’m going to make this as short as possible. My ex and I dated for 2.5 years. Lots of fighting which led to our break up. Shortly after, he begged and begged but I could not put myself in that situation at the time (I suggested we be friends). Eventually we were “friends”. I was physical with someone after which really set him off but we moved on; still sending mixed signals as “friends”. We broke up in March and we’re still sending mixed signals around June-July. I did end up going on a date with a co-worker which emotionally wrecked my ex. But again, we were able to get past it and still hangout and talk everyday.
My feelings never went away and I wanted to tell him how I’ve been feeling but something didn’t seem right. He was not interested like he used to be, wouldn’t hangout when I asked, etc. I asked if there was someone else and he said no (meaning he didn’t have feelings for someone). But, he has been talking to this one girl, Melissa and says he doesn’t like her but they talk a lot because they have a lot in common. I asked if they kissed, he said, “Not her.” So he has been physical with someone else (claims it was just a one time thing). I lost it and did all the wrong things! Begged and begged and he ignored me. We did meet up last week and talk about things. He said he misses me, doesn’t have good conversations with anyone like we had, how I made him feel so comfortable, and doesn’t know what could happen the future.
The talk went well, I apologized for my childish actions and did not ask about his “girls”. He did ask if I was seeing someone and I just laughed because he knew how upset I was. The next day, we had a short conversation and I asked if he wanted to hangout the upcoming weekend..no response for 10 hours so I called. He was annoyed and claims his phone was “messed up”. I asked if he was really over me and moved on and all he said was “no, I’m just doing my own thing.” And that’s how the conversation ended.
We haven’t spoken in 5 days (I am doing NC). I have read a lot of your posts and you give out so much information for free! I have gone on so many sites and even purchased things that have not helped in the slightest! I enjoy reading your thoughts and it is very comforting knowing you enjoy helping people with problems like this.
Like a lot of people, I’m having a very hard time right now and I’m not sure what is going to happen. If you could give some expert advice about what my ex might be thinking that would be very, very appreciative! Thank you for reading this, Chris.

Take care,

Caroline

Chris Seiter

August 17, 2015 at 7:02 pm

Sounds like your in a great spot, he’s not over you. Try the no contact for 21 days, he should be ready to talk to by then.

Thank you for your support Caroline, it means a lot to me.

Rheaya

August 8, 2015 at 2:52 pm

Hey Chris
So I’m not sure if my ex was playing mind games with me. He always agreed with almost everything I said and liked. He bought me a promise ring to reminde of with within a week of starting to date because I had to move away for the summer. He told me he loved me around the same time. I told him we needed to slow down but he said he couldn’t help how he felt, I’ll admit it felt pretty amazing. I moved away but saw him every weekend. We made plans for vacations and Christmas and things we wanted to do. We bought a car together. We had a lovely weekend in Niagara Falls. He drove me 2.5 hours home and told me he loved me at 10am. He sent me a text saying he missed me at noon. He met with his sister that afternoon and by 6pm he returned to where I was living with in sister in our car and told me our energies weren’t aligning and he was giving himself to feel something he didn’t feel. He says he can’t give me one single reason why the relationship didn’t work for him. He never gave me any indication he wasn’t happy or being anything but truthful. All of his emails start out with Dear Rheaya and are very formal and end with All the best or something. I’ve started NC and have not answered his last one. My belief is things got too complicated and stressed too fast with the long distance and him starting to panic about his final year of his masters. It always felt like when we were together we had a great time. What are my chances after these 30 days and moving home and trying to reconnect with him? Thanks so much for your time!

Rheaya

August 17, 2015 at 11:28 pm

Hi Chris
I’vealready Moved back to the city he’s in.We were only together 6 weeks so I decided to go for the day day rule as you suggested to someone else in my situation. I have my game plan ready to go. Colour coded with texts to send in case of positive, negative and neutral responses. Now all I do is wait for the next 9 days. I can’t even tell him I’m home. Thanks Chris.
Chris Seiter

August 17, 2015 at 6:19 pm

Your chances are probably pretty decent if you have a plan to move to where he is.

Esposito

August 8, 2015 at 2:12 pm

Hey Chris!! Im so confused!… My ex boyfriend and I broke up almost 7 months ago (jan 2015), since he dumped me, we never saw each other, I did call him numerous times during this time until april, he had me blocked so everytime I called him He had to call me back once he saw my call, everytime we spoke he was very rude, very indifferent and always made clear that we were done. He only call me once and it was a private call he disguise his voice and he was also in Europe on vacation but for some reason on the same day of our anniversary he called me, but no conversation at all he was just changing his voice and asking how was I doing…. Time passed by and a month ago, a friend of us was at the mall with him and he received a private call no caller id call and he responded “hello (my name), tell me, you can talk hello (my name)” and I was shocked that he was thinking that it was me, since so much time have passed since I called him. So a couple of weeks ago I heard he was going to travel thru the same company I work for, so I was so nervous a million things passed by my mind, but I was very sure that he was going to arrive to the airport and he was going to ignore me completely, I was planning on doing the same thing….. So finally the day arrived, I have lost alot of weight since we broke off, I did my hair you know makeup and everything look hot basically lol, he was travelling with his airforce unit, all his friend knew who I was and that I was going to be there, so I was standing on the lobby of my airline but looking opposite direction from where the military group was, because I knew they were going to be looking at me expecting to see if I was looking around for him. So Im standing there and I feel someone hugs me out of knowhere and I tought it was a friend of mine from the military group and for my surprise it was him, immediately after I turn my head to the right to see who hugged me he moves foward and grabs me by the back/shoulder/triceps and tries to give me a kiss on the cheek, and took a step back and moved my face to the left like babys when you try to kiss them and the don’t want too, and looked at him very sharp but calm and with my eyes told him like no, don’t kiss me, he continue to move foward to try to achieve the kiss but since I took a step back he was holding my right arm with his two hands and placed it over his chest somehow, as I continue to move my face away from his, I pushed him lightly and gave him like to soft palm hits on the chest stating like heyy behave Im not going to kiss you, I did it very softly because I knew all his frienda were looking at the “movie/us” and I did not wanted to make any scene…. He took a step back and realesed me, and smile a lot to me said “hey how are you,” my his body language he was very nervous but also he was like showing off making a scene for his friends to view, I placed my hands in my pockets and stood very calm and sharp and reply, “yes how can I help you”… He says “ohh ummm yes…. Come with me”… I in the same position face relaxed and profesional but with a sharp eyecontact with me like he was anyother passenger, askes him once again “yes how can I help you”, he says ” yes come help me and help us you know the guys, to pass to the gate, you know take luggage give us boardinf passes etc” ( there was a complety dedicated lane for his unit, the whole ticketing counter was staff, he saw that I was not in the ticketing area I was at the kiosks, also, the day before Since I know a couple of Sgt from the unit, I already printted out the boarding passes and everything was done, and he even though he arrived a little bit later from his sgt briefing all his friends knew it and had boarding passes)…I replied “everything its already done your sgt has your boarding passes”…. He replies again (moving his hands all around and his face was starting to change from smiling to complete confused by my reaction and body language) ohh ok so mmm mhumm ok perfect everything is done” I said yes and turned my head the other way, he then grabs my hand out of my pocket (i pulled my hand back) and tells me “hey”, I replied “yes, how can I help you”, and he replies ” umm, Im happy to see you, I hope you have a great day” I looked at him and gave him the WTF looked as I slowly turn my head again to the other side…… I was sooo pissed of by this, a week before my uncle that was like a father passed away, it was a terrible situation for me, stupid me in the middle of the whole crisis I called him, he still had me block, I texted him, emailed him, letting him know what had happened and that even though I knew we where not together, that I needed him at the moment, he out of any person knew what my uncle represented to me, he knew my uncle we stayed a thousand times at my uncles house, my uncle treated him like if he was my husband took us out for dinner etc, he did not even called, or sent a message, condolences NOTHING!, he ignored me completely, and then out of knowher he jumps and hugs me and treats me like nothing has happened ARE YOU SERIOUS?????!!!!…. Then at the gates I was the agent in charged for the boarding process, I look and say thank you (passengers lastname), I don’t know how I knew he was next because I never looked at him, I just scanned the boarding pass and said “thank you (his lastname) did not even looked at him…. At the boarding bridge a friend of mine was nearby him and heard when his closer friends where asking him If I looked at him, If I said something to him because they have been watching me since the ticketing counter and I have not even looked at him, and he said to them “nooo, she just said thank you and that’s it, she did not even looked at me, or said have a good flight or anything after all the months dedication time etc that I spent on our relationship”…… Again ARE YOU SERIOUS???!!!!! What was he expecting?! Then later on that day, same two friends of him at the exact same time sent me a FB friend request, which I did not accept, because at that same moment my friend told me the 3 of them where together using there cellphones

Im so confused, its been 7 months of him having and been on a completely indifferent attitude towards me…. He even tried to go out with a friend of mine and she stop him at the first attempt of him trying to get to know her, he never calls, he never responded my emails text and he didn’t even show support for me that last week He knew I needed it…. And he comes to show off! What was he trying to prove, or was he trying to prove to his friends that he had me at his feet, that I was going to use my job as an excuse to make conversation or approach him…. Because I was 100% sure he was going to ignore me completely and I got surprise with completely the opposite… And Im sure he was and is even more surprised and confused at my reactionf towards him…….

Please illuminate my mind LOL and so confused with what happened…..

Thanks

Esposito

September 3, 2015 at 1:37 am

Hey sorry Chris, I taught I was placing comments in the wrong forum….. Well the NCR I tried it a lot of times, but finally last contact was on June 8,….. And then when my uncle died I call/text/emailed him Jul 27, but he did not called me back, he still has me blocked. I did not tried to contact him again, and then on Aug 3, was the day he traveled, for the first time we saw each other in person since we broke up in Jan…. he was the one who approached me, and out of knowhere hug me, and try to kiss me on the cheeks, etc… I treated him like any other passenger and at the gates when I was boarding the passengers I didn’t even make eye contact…….. I think he definitely was trying to get my attention hitting on my friend… But its so frustrating how its been so many months and he still has me blocked, he has never called me, just once and private,…… he couldn’t even send a text a call or even be there for me when my uncle died cause he knows that my uncle was like a dad for me, but at the airport he made the approach….. What I can only assume its he was like showing off to his friends like trying to impress his friends that “she is dying for me”….. So confusing LOL
Esposito

August 20, 2015 at 2:53 pm

Hi Chris did I said something wrong? I have not gotten and answer, was it too long my message, did I do something wrong, everybody gets and answer
Chris Seiter

September 1, 2015 at 10:44 pm

Your message was a bit long but very interesting. No you didn’t do anything wrong I just get 1000’s of comments and there’s no way I can answer them all. It sounds like he is playing games with you a little bit but also testing the water. How long have you done no contact for? I think he is trying to get your attention by asking your friend out.

Tina

August 5, 2015 at 1:08 pm

He told me that he likes me, and few days later i called him to grab a coffie with me. He said that he couldn’t go that day because he had to go to work and he said that he will DEFINITELY call me. Its been three weeks he sill didn’t call. He only likes my pics on facebook and that is it. Should i move on?

Tina

August 13, 2015 at 7:13 pm

Well, he texted me i he was really into conversation. He told me that there is so little girls like me. Maybe he made up his mind about me. Tnx Chris, we’ll see what happens next!
Chris Seiter

August 14, 2015 at 4:41 am

Sounds good, KIT! Sounds like your on the right path.
Tina

August 6, 2015 at 11:53 pm

Well not really, we never text. He’s always just friendly and flirty with me. And then he tells me that he likes me…
Chris Seiter

August 13, 2015 at 5:15 pm

Wait another week and try again. Start out slow with some test texts, take this very slow. This time pick a fun date but don’t call it a date. Something you’ve never done before together and something that will bring out adrenaline. Something that you won’t be forced to talk to much at. ex. A theme park with rides (if he’s into that,) a concert. etc. And you want to approach it like, Hey I have this extra ticket to… Do you want to go on Saturday? This way it doesn’t seem like your buying him things. You def want him to take the lead on dates in the future.
Chris Seiter

August 6, 2015 at 9:46 pm

Well, have you had any contact via text with him since then?

Cate

August 4, 2015 at 11:02 pm

Hi Chris,

First of all, let me say thank you. It’s actually very encouraging to come to this site, and the amount of emotional support you provide to women for free…it’s really nice. I feel better after going over your website and signing up for your mailing list already. Each time I think about calling my ex, I return to your site, and it helps me keep things under control and refocus on myself. I know you get tons of comments, and you constantly mention in your podcasts how this undertaking is over-whelming, so I don’t anticipate an immediate reply, if one at all, but I definitely related to this article, so I thought it wouldn’t hurt to comment in hopes of hearing from the expert.

My ex an I broke up about a week ago. We had an off and on sort of relationship for about 3 highly dramatic years (it involved another woman who claimed to have his children…and then it turned out that they weren’t his), during those years, I absolutely refused to call him my boyfriend (sometimes that hurt his feelings) because I could sense he wasn’t ready for commitment, especially with this other woman in the picture who it seemed like he just never resolved things with, but I also wasn’t ready for commitment, and I wanted to date around…because I never really started dating anyone until I was in my early twenties (I wanted to get through college, settle debts and have a career before settling down). I called the relationship quits in the midst of all that drama, I hated being harassed by this other woman, I had better things to do with my time, and I hated second guessing if he was ever going to resolve that situation. We spent months apart, I’m very good friends with his family, so they would update me on his life and tell me that he constantly asked about me and, after a few weeks of no contact he kept trying to contact me (though I never responded). He eventually started dating the “mother of his children” to keep up appearances; I loved him through all of this (and I’ve secretly ALWAYS felt like he loved me, since the very first time we met…I know it sounds silly, but I’ve just always FELT love from him), but I didn’t want to be part of a situation with that other woman…after about six months, he contacted me and told me he had found out the kids weren’t his and this other woman had become pregnant again while he was dating her…only he’d been suspicious of her and was purposefully not sleeping with her, so he was able to call her bluff, get DNA testing done on the other children…and well, you see where it goes from there.

Well, I thought to myself at the time, GREAT, this girl is out of the picture, I still have intense feelings for this guy after MONTHS of not contacting him, and he’s chasing me up and down and left and right (sometimes kinda stalkerish, like just showing up at my house, but I’ll admit I liked it). I had dated other boys in the meantime, some were really great, but I never had that…feeling…for any of them. So, my ex and I, we started having a real relationship. The next few months were BLISS, we spent sooooo much time together, we went everywhere together, he immediately started introducing me to EVERYONE as his girlfriend, and after a year, even though we weren’t married, he’d tell people that I was his wife (I think this might have to do more with his culture, he’s Somalian/raised Muslim…and a lot of his friends would disapprove of him spending so much time with a woman he hadn’t formally married…so maybe he was keeping up appearances, regardless, I found it flattering). We moved in together in the middle of this, first into my apartment, and then we started renting a house together at the beginning of this year, he got me an adorable puppy (that he named Lily) for Valentine’s day this year, he even gave me (signed over the title and everything) a car about a month ago, too (he likes to fix up cars in his spare time).

Anyways, I recently found out my ex lied to me about a couple things that substantially hurt my feelings…and they were things that if he’d just told the truth, I’d be sad about, but I would’ve been able to cope with and hopefully he and I would’ve worked through it together. It made me really mistrust him, I did start calling him more and being more clingy because I had this fear in my head that if I didn’t constantly monitor him, he’d lie to me again, and in response, he started to pull away and spend less and less time with me and more and more time with his friends. Last week, he left his Facebook open, and I noticed him chatting with a girl who he had been friends with for over a decade…now my pictures are all over my ex’s Facebook (or were, he’s blocked me now, so I don’t know), so I don’t know why this girl didn’t just look, but she asked him “are you single” and he responded “yes.” It HURT so bad I cannot describe when I read that “yes,” it was as if he was denying my entire existence…and this wasn’t a new flame… it was someone he was friends with for years! And then he went on to ask for her number and tell her how much he used to want her. I was devastated. I broke up with him, because he obviously is not committed to me if he can tell someone, especially a friend of over a decade, that he is single when he is living with his girlfriend. He tried to tell me that he was just “playing with her” and that if he’d seen her in person, he would’ve told her about me, and that she should already know about me because I’m all over his Facebook. When I wouldn’t let it go, because I was in so much pain, he insisted I was invading his privacy and had no right to look at anything of his, and that I would never do better than him. He’s been slowly moving out of our house for the past week, he sleeps on the couch and we don’t talk. He usually comes home after I go to sleep, and he’s gone before I come home from work…we’ve still been sharing the responsibility of the dog, but no words have been exchanged.

Today, after about 3-4 days of NC, he started blowing up my phone, and he texted me “Are you sure you want to keep changing my Facebook password?”…I was utterly confused, but I broke NC and picked up the phone after his 7th call because I was so confused why he would be asking that. He asked me “Why did you change my Facebook password?” Well, I didn’t change his password so I said “I didn’t. I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re not my boyfriend anymore, I don’t care what you do with your Facebook.” He then said “It’s you, I KNOW it’s you, why are you LYING? If you didn’t do it, then who did?” I told him “I don’t know.” And then he hung up on me.

So, I USED to have his Facebook password, but he changed it the day we broke up and blocked me on Facebook, so I never tried to log back in because I feel on some level that would be breaking the NC rule…out of curiosity, I tried to login to his Facebook today after this call using the old password, and I received a message that said his password was changed on the day we broke up…so it hadn’t been changed today at all. I sent him a text that just said “I didn’t change your password. I promise.” And we’ve had no contact since. I guess I’m just baffled at this behavior…is this game playing? Is accusing me of something I didn’t do him trying to regain control of the situation?

I do still really love him, and I want him back, but I really want him to understand that what he did really hurt my feelings, and I won’t be treated that way, and I understand that letting him back into my life at this point is allowing him to walk all over me and reinforcing his bad behavior, whether he realizes it or not. From what I’ve read on your site, diagnostically, he’s half-assing the remorse part of all of this and trying to turn the blame around on me.

Anyways, your thoughts? What do you recommend?

Thank you again,
Cate

Chris Seiter

August 6, 2015 at 10:07 pm

I think you are being blamed for something that you didn’t do.

I think you are spot on with your thesis of him trying to regain control of the situation.

Maddie

August 4, 2015 at 4:08 am

This is a message for Chris and all of the people on this website. A year and a half ago, I was going through a really rough breakup because my ex was refusing to communicate with me about it at all, and when he did it was to send rude messages. I came upon this website originally just to see if I could have the satisfaction of making him like me again, but the more articles I read, the more obsessed I became with getting him back. I was completely blinded to how badly he was treating me, I still believed that he was the “only one” for me. This was the biggest and hardest misconception I have ever had to overcome. When I went away to school, I met another guy, and we became closer and now he is my boyfriend. He is a million times nicer and pays so much more attention to me than my ex ever did. Girls, if you keep an open mind and an open heart, happiness will come to you. I am still learning lessons about how hard it is to let someone go. This summer (after not talking to my ex for a year) I came back to my hometown to visit (where he still lives). Even though I was completely uninterested in getting him back, I wanted to talk to him about what had happened because so many of our old hurts were still unresolved. Originally he said he would talk to me but then he began to play some of the “mind games” that this post describes and I could tell that he was still very bitter about the situation while I was not, and I had forgiven him in order to have a resolution for myself. I was surprised at how unwilling he was to have a civilized conversation with me in person, but I suspect that he was scared to admit how much he had hurt me.
So my point is this: Chris, even though I know you are probably helping a lot of women, it is possible to read all of these articles and get so hung up on getting him back that you fail to realize that that is not the right thing to do. It is the HARDEST thing in the world to think that you might not get to be with someone that you love. But if they don’t want to be with you, then they do not deserve to be with you. Ladies, there will be someone else. It is so hard to open your heart to that possibility but you will grow so much and be so much wiser as a person if you do. Obsession and longing are not the same as love. And just because you think you might be able to get your ex back doesn’t mean you should. Chris, I was so depressed last year that sometimes reading your website was the only thing that kept me alive. But it also caused a horrible obsession, combined with my ex’s mind playing games. When I texted my ex and told him all the ways that he had hurt me but that I had forgiven him in order to not have any more bitterness in my heart, I was so relieved. And it turned out that that was the only thing I needed to do.

Chris Seiter

August 6, 2015 at 10:30 pm

Its funny you mentioned this.

Pretty soon I am going to switch gears a bit and talk about the situations where its not a good idea to get him back.

Yes, you are right there are some situations that you shouldnt try to get your ex back.

Marie

August 3, 2015 at 6:29 pm

I already commented under some post, but I can’t find it anymore. So I’ll write something again. I’m not sure if it’s a mind game, but I am just confused about my ex’s behaviour. Last week we had a “serious conversation” during which I told him that I can’t solve our issues (we had some troubles with communication) alone and needed him to help me a bit, since it was our mutual problem and he had a part to play. I just asked him to look up some suggestions online and he agreed to even contact a web counselor (yes! I had been trying to persuade him for months but he never seemed to take it seriously). I also did a big mistake by admitting that someday, when we get our MAs and get decent jobs, that I would maybe (maybe! not certainly) want to move in together, but I emphasised that if it would happen, it would happen in a far-away future. I didn’t try to pressure him in any way. I was just tired of scheduling our “together time” according to roommates and so on. We had been together for almost two years, but he is afraid of such commitment and needs personal space, about 4-5 days in a month to himself (which I could have easily provided him because I visit my parents every now and then). The conversation ended pretty calmly, it seemed okay. Two days after that, he messaged me on Facebook and told me that he feels like he’s using me, because “he can’t give me what I want and deserve” and this feeling is so disgusting that he wants to get rid of it. I tried to cal him down by saying that I didn’t mean the moving in-thing as a dealbreaker for me or anything, but he was so upset and frantic that I couldn’t say anything. He also said that he suddenly realized that we indeed had some issues and that it was so overwhelming and he sees this relationship as a “black hole” and doesn’t know what to do. He said that he wants to be with me, doesn’t want to break up with me, but the feeling of using me is so bad and he needs some hope, a direction, but he can’t find any. At some point we switched to a Skype call and he was full-on crying, panicking and just…a mess. I tried to comfort him, telling him that it’s gonna be okay, he’s not using me and so on. Didn’t help, he was miserable. So, I just let him break up with me and haven’t talked to him since. Since I didn’t have a word in this thing (literally), I decided to write him a letter in which I thoroughly explained that moving in together is not a lifelong dream for me, that it isn’t a necessity for me, but I understand that it made him feel trapped and he didn’t want to use him. Basically a letter in which I tried to comfort him and make him see some hope (because he really seemed miserable and broken). I said that I understand if he didn’t want to respond to that letter and I wasn’t expecting a response (just wanted to leave him be until he recovered or something). Anyway, he went out with our mutual friends this weekend and one of them tried to make him think about the break up, to make him change his mind (I didn’t ask our friend to do this), but apparently he had told our friends that he won’t ever change his mind and that this decision is final. I was okay with that. Really sad and heartbroken, but..what can you do – I just blamed myself for scaring him off. But here’s the point now – the reasons he gave to me for breaking up with me (the feeling of using me and becoming overwhelmed by some stuff) were almost completely different from those he gave to our friend. He told her that he was trying so hard to make me more confident and it wasn’t working (in reality he was flirting with another girl and kinda blamed me for feeling insecure about this, also he rarely complimented me…so I guess I must be either blind or really ignorant, but I did not see how he “really tried”). Also, he said that he was the only one that was trying to keep this relationship going and he got really tired of dragging us both through it and that he finally needed to think of himself. I know I was difficult at times and it was tiring, but in reality…I was the one who sometimes even begged him to help me, to meet me halfway in working out our problems so that we could get over them and go on happily. I understand that different people see things differently, but I don’t really understand why he gave us such different reasons… I really believed what he said when he broke up with me, because he was crying and really emotional (I just have a belief that you don’t lie in situations like that), but now I feel like he lied to me about why he broke up with me. And the weirdest part is, the version he gave to me was much more…optimistic? I’m not a native English speaker, so maybe that’s the right word… But when you tell someone that you want to be with them, but one certain feeling won’t let you (feelings pass, don’t they?) and if you could find some hope and a direction to move towards, it would be okay…then it definitely gives the other person a lot of hope… And the version he gave to our friend was like – it’s over, it’s final and she’s entirely to blame. I just don’t know. I won’t contact him, but since he was so dear to me, I hope to befriend him again someday. But I hate having this feeling that he may have just lied to me while acting so sincere (he was crying for real and reaaaaaaal hard, too). And I don’t know if I could ever trust him, even as a friend. Is it a common practice among guys? To tell the dumpee one thing and your buddies another? Was he perhaps just trying to protect me from the truth and managed to lie while being such an emotional wreck when dumping me? I could’nt do that myself, seems kinda difficult….

Marie

August 3, 2015 at 6:45 pm

Oh, I should probably mention that I definitely don’t think that he gave me the “hopeful” version in order to keep me available for his… physical needs. We have broken up once before (in 2013, for about 2 and a half months) and back then, did the mistake of having sex a few times after the separation and he was the one who put a stop to it, saying that it was wrong and it won’t happen ever again since it could give me false hopes and so on.

Stacy Smith

August 2, 2015 at 8:29 am

This guy i was dating for roughly 6 weeks (we recently ended things because we weren’t sure where we were going with this -i didnt want a relationship and neither did he and so it was hard to try keep this up whilst not knowing what would happen in the future), one of his good friends had added me on fb (who i havent actually met before) and started chatting me on fb quite frequently just about random stuff and the guy i was dating didnt seem to appreciate that his friend was doing this. He never acted jealous or annoyed about it but i could tell he was slightly annoyed about the situation as he kept warning me about his friend being the kind of guy with the ”mr steal your girl” motives… Anyways fast forward to the present after we ended things he asked if we could continue to be friends and i said yes of course so were on good terms. I havent seen/spoken to him since (about 2 weeks ago) simply cause i havent seen him around the college campus recently. The other night the same friend had chatted me saying lets have sex… Turned out that all the guys had talked about it and had asked the guy i dated if it was okay to pursue me and apparently he had ”encouraged” his friend to try sleep with me.. Is he just trying to test me and play mind games with me or what?? This is really confusing or do you think he felt pressure to say yeah its okay sleep with her because the guys pressuring him

Chris Seiter

August 10, 2015 at 10:31 pm

It sounds like he wants to test to see what kind of girl you are. Tell the friend that you are not interested. I’m going to guess that when you say “we” ended things because “we” weren’t sure where it was going, you mean you were more hesitant on the title of relationship? It sounds like the test is coming because you were casual with the guy your were dating and didn’t want to be in a relationship.

Hallie

July 30, 2015 at 6:13 am

My ex and I dated for four years, through high school and our first two years of college. We ended up going to different schools which was hard for both of us. We broke up about a year ago. He broke up with me out of the blue and never explained the reason. We didn’t talk much over the summer but when I went back to school he started texting me seeing how everything in my life was going. This made us start communicating much more through out the semester. When we were home for Thanksgiving break we got together twice to catch up. He ended up telling me that he misses me and thinks about me everyday and that he thinks he made the wrong decision but he can’t go back on his word because basically his friends influenced the break up and he had taken a public stance. He told me that he was partying really hard to the point of blacking out because it was the only way he wouldn’t think about me. He also said it still feels like we’re dating but he knows we’re not. We went back to school and I started to not hear from him as much but we were still communicating quite a bit. We came home from winter break and I heard from a friend he said he needed to stop talking to me. We ended up having a brief reconciliation over winter break. He told me his feelings for me hadn’t changed and he didn’t know what to do but if we were in the same city there would be no doubt that we would definitely still together. He kept apologizing saying he’s sorry he hurt me and it was all his fault. He said he didn’t know what the future held but maybe one day we’ll get back together. After winter break when he went back to school and with his friends I would barely hear from him. I tried to still talk to him but I heard some bad things he was saying about me so I called him out via text. I think he knew he was in the wrong and he never responded. We didn’t speak to each other for five months and end that time frame he deleted me from Facebook but then tried to get snoop around a little talking to my family, not about me but in general. After not speaking I texted him in May for his birthday. It took him about a week to respond because I heard he was upset that I had blocked him from Facebook after he deleted me. We’ve been communicating off and on all summer but have not seen each other. We’re both home so I was hoping to catch up with him. We were talking and he was talking about how his health is poor so I made a joke about getting together before he dies. He suggested we go get ice cream but never set up a date to actually go. A week later after not hearing from him I asked what his week looked like to get ice cream. He hasn’t answered at all and it’s been about a week. I’m so confused because getting ice cream was his idea! My friends thinks he’s trying to keep me around for when he’s ready to settle down or something.

Could you give me some insight or your thoughts on my situation?
michelle

July 29, 2015 at 5:29 pm

I have a question..i was with my long distance bf for two years..and i broke it off during a time of emotional turmoil..my father passing away. We actually havent spoken for 7 months and he recently contacted me just to ask about my Summer. I didnt contact him because i felt he may be seeing somebody..and i felt foolish for the break up..as well as being stubborn. Anyway recentlyI made a mistake i feel by telling him i missed him..because i want him back! He has disappeared again and i do not know what to do next..did i scare him or? I dont know why he contacted me if he doesnt miss me?
AJ

July 28, 2015 at 8:11 am

Hi Chris,

Is the podcast coming, i’ve been coming on the site every day but haven’t spotted it yet. If you can let me know when it is up or if it’s up already that would be great. I really need some advice for my situation.

Thank you

Chris Seiter

July 30, 2015 at 3:45 pm

Whats your email. I will send you the file right now since I have fallen behind on a lot of stuff and won’t be able to publish it for another week.

Melissa

July 28, 2015 at 1:57 am

Hey Chris! So let me just start out by saying your advice is great and this website is amazing! Truly has helped me! So anyways my ex and I broke up, obviously why I’m on this site, but for the second time. He broke up with me both times. First time I was devastated and believe it or not your NC rule really works and he ended up begging for me back. Well I gave him a second chance since I clearly still had a lot of feelings for him and everything was great! Better than before even! But then he started acting the same and I saw it coming. He said it was not good timing and he thinks we should take a “break.” Well ya know at first I was kind of upset but not as much because I saw it coming and I decided to keep myself busy and I was fine. Perfectly fine and happy actually! I thought I had moved on. Well now I don’t know. He said that he misses me and even has asked me to “hangout” a few times. He told me he was going through a rough time and he got fired. So this leads me to think he just wants me there for moral support which I’m okay with I guess we ended quite civil and I don’t have any hard feelings against him. I don’t really have any good reason to go out with him again though especially when I had already given him a second chance. But he’s flirting and playing mind games and I don’t know what to do. The more I think about the more I second guess myself. I don’t think he knows what he wants and neither do I. Do I miss him? Maybe. I miss how we used to talk and go places together. Also miss the physical part. A lot. His mind games are messing with my head and I’m so lost.
Cris

July 27, 2015 at 11:33 am

Hi Chris,

I know my ex is not seeing anyone besides me, and hasn’t for the last four years we broke up.
He used to talk to me and agree to see me a lot less (like seeing eachother every two-three months) but everytime I was determined to make it or break it because of him not calling or seeming to not care about us, something happened and I needed him (like, having my phone stolen and he helped me find a better model; having my mp3 soaking wet in a storm and he offered to take a look at it – it solved by itself in rice, but I could still call my ex “my hero”).

Recently, like since Christmas (when he came to pick me up from home since it was a blizzard and he knew I wanted to wash my hair before leaving home), each tiem after we schedule a date (monthly or every two months), the days until the actual date he’s really eager to talk to me like a real boyfriend. He picks up the phone faster and is willing to just be there up to the point I’ve nothing to talk about. I’m embaressed for not having a lot of themes to talk about, but I don’t want to complain to him too much about my health issues (I have MS and a blog educating people in my country about autoimmune diseases), or about my PhD frustrations, and you can imagine these are the things that take up a lot of my free time.

Anyway, he’s responded MOSTLY positive to a lot of invitations to movies and outing. [He still gets cold feet when it comes to spending a night over to my place, and he just leaves me, both of us crying – but it’s okay for me to stay over his place].

How should I play my chance to invite him to a vacation? It’s really cheap and I can afford it for both of us. I know he’d like the location and hotel.

And my hopes are really up, since this weekend (I didn’t talk to him in the last two weeks, since I was abroad) he came with me to a movie he said (loudly screamed) he hates and would never watch (but enjoyed afterall), and afterwards hugged me all night without me asking and whimping for it (hadn’t done that since broke up & hook up again), I got to jokeishly imply that kids with him sound nice, without him going all “NO!”, and he said that we’re too young to get married (our parents were in their 30s and 40s when they got married and had us).

But when we broke up, we were supposed to go on vacation and I kinda stud him up big time (his mother probably hates me to the point of dancing on my grave).

I can use my best friend (she encourages me to do so) as an intro to why I know about this location, as she wants to get on vacation with her ex – don’t ask, and she has like no more vacation days from her work to come with me also.

So I really need advice.
I have 3 weeks to lure him in, so I can try to slowly make him fall in a “trap”. But I know any wrong move would out me from his mind. I know direct talk would make him shut down and ignore me.

Is it wise to try to ask him to go with me in replacement of my bff?
How should I put it so he doesn’t feel offended, or (worse) feels the same pain as when I hurt him years ago?
Brittany

July 27, 2015 at 2:01 am

Hi Chris,

I know you have thousands of people needing your help and advice so I know I’m no different from the others. So here goes, my ex and I “broke up” about a year ago. And I put that in quotes because he never “officially” broke up with me. He just stopped talking to me and moved on with his life. To this day I still don’t know what happened or why the broke up even occurred. He got a girlfriend pretty quickly and yes they are still together. I have an old Facebook page I logged on to last night and found he had sent me a message “can we talk please, ……, I guess your too good to talk to me” the comma separate different messages he sent within a hour. I blocked him on my main Facebook profile. So I don’t check the other one often. He sent those messages a month ago. I did reply “yeah, what about” and I’m just waiting on a response. So another thing that happened was my best friend added him on Facebook and he accepted her request. They started talking and she asked how he was, he was saying he was better than ever and he was happy. He also made a remark if you still talk to Brittany, ask her if she wants our pictures before he deleted them. So my friend and I figured that this all happened a week and half later when he sent me those messages on Facebook. So I’m not sure what to think? And that conversation happened about three weeks ago.
I found your website last August and back then I read so many articles to get hm back and now I’m not sure if I do want him back. My heart still hurts. I want him and I miss him but I feel so betrayed! He has reverted to using drugs again with this new girl. In the beginning he wanted me so bad and throughout our relationship he always tried. We fought a lot though. I tried to change him. I wanted the best for him. I wanted him to make something of himself and for us to be happy. I’m pretty sure he resents me. We loved each other very much! I was insecure in the relationship. Which makes me mad! I don’t know where to go from here. I do want to move on and stop hurting. And another part of me wants him to love me again. Any advice? I know this comment is all over the place. I’m sorry!
Chloe

July 27, 2015 at 12:32 am

Hi Chris,
My ex and I broke up almost three months ago. I did NC for 30 days. We re-established contact and saw each other the other day. It was going very well and seemed like reconciliation was a real possibility. We did end up sleeping together, but he made it very clear that he did not want to lead me on and I knew it was just sex. I didn’t expect any more from that. We then had a very mature talk about everything the next day and he said he does not see us getting back together for at least another two years. And even then he does not want me to wait around because he can’t guarantee it. He said we get along so well, there’s just a lot of negativity that’s blocking us, but he still wants us to be close friends. What do you think I should do? Is this a lost cause?

Thanks for your time,
Chloe
kim

July 26, 2015 at 4:32 am

dear chris, my problem is very confusing. it will prob be long and im going to say sorry before hand. but im 44yrs old and have been with 3 men. the first was for 24yrs, the second 3months and the third a year and a half. the third guy we were just plain friends for 6 months. met him on the same site as the second guy and i was on break but since he read my profile and asked me if i was still on break etc, i replyed back to him and we were just friends. we talked about everything. i was even trying to help him get back with his ex wife but he told me loved her but wasnt in love with her anymore. but i knew he was full of it when he called me one day and was telling me what had happened and i knew then he was still in love with her even though he said he wasnt. but he never did any thing that i told him he should try to do to see if she would want him back. well around the six months things changed between us, lets just say he did something that most wouldnt forgive but i did because i thought he was truly sorry. then we ended up being together for the next year, yes we had our ups and downs but honestly it wasnt me it was him that would say stupid or do stupid things. i would say i might sneek over here one night and surprise you. he said, i dont think you would want to do that because you might not like what you see. i was like what, he said well my ex might be here. i was like ok, whatever. i will say he was the one that called me all the time and texted. i will admit that i am what you call a text from hell because they are always long. but that is me. one time i asked him if he loved me because i didnt know, and he said, i cant even look at you and tell you. that is when he turned completely around with his face turned the other way and said no im not in love with you. then looks back at me. i dont have any idea why he couldnt look at me and tell me but he couldnt, but he was the one that always looked into my eyes for everything and i mean everything. then later into the relationship he told me he was addicted to me, he said he tried to fight it but no matter what he did it won…. i said you know that an addiction isnt a good thing. but i really dont know what he meant by that either, was he really addicted to me or was that a way for him to say that he did love me. have no clue… then he has even said he loved me. so he had my mind all confused. dont know if he was doing it on purpose or what. i will say that he was there for me alot. in all ways. i really thought of him as my best friend. and yes i do love him, but didnt know i was in love with him until later, but it was when i told him for some reason i felt safe with him and trusted him. and after that is when he did what he did. but anyhow he would also do the push and pull also. he would come to my apartmen but i just started going to his house on the weekends because he worked till midnight and it was just easier for me to go there and get to stay till mon afternoon. but the weekend before i broke up with him he said he would like me to leave on sun because he had things to do monday. i tried to explain why i wanted to stay but i couldnt get a word in edge wise and he was being a butt…. but when friday came i went ahead and went over and we had an argument and i was going to leave and he started to cry but this wasnt the first time that he has cried. but i stayed and held him but when i ask do you care if i go a head and stay and i will leave when i get up, because it was like 9:30 pm. then he said dont you think it would be best if you just went ahead and went home. in my head i was like wtf but i didnt say anything and got my stuff together and left but texted him and said it was pretty sad that he didnt even come after me and he said he watched me leave from the window. i was like really, what ever….. so tue he texts me and tells me he would like me to come over and spend the week, i was like what in the heck do you mean. i just told him i didnt know what i was doing because he had me so confused because he didnt want me there monday but wanted me to come tue night. but he asked again but i wasnt able to go over until wed night. i my self couldnt understand why he would want me there all week when he didnt want me there that monday. but each day was different. i was going to leave friday before he got home from work because of something but he begged me to stay so we could talk. so i did, but no talking was really done. then he asked me to stay till tuesday so i did but i should have went home because of what happened that morning. im not going to get into detail but it was very bad and what he said he would do to me was scary so i told him i was done and started getting my stuff together to leave. he started crying and said he was sorry and please forgive him, he said he dont know why he says the things he says and just kept saying he was sorry. i told him i have already forgiven him for so much but this i couldnt because i saw his face when he said it and left. but i needed to get some truth so i went to talk to his ex. she said she wouldnt say anything to him but she did text him and told him not so nice words. but that wasnt my intentions at all. i just needed the truth about something and she had the truth. well i get a text from him asked me if i talked to his ex but of course i said no. but he was begging me to call him. i told him to get off the phone and get back to work before he got fired. he said he had to leave work because he lost his two best friends the same day and he couldnt handle it. we still talked after that for about a week. but i was also talking to his ex. things went bad because his ex did something not to smart and i knew when he read the text i was going to hear it. and i was right. he was down right mean to me and i mean very mean. he said things that i could not say to my worst enemy. i told him to leave me alone and i hung up on him. then around 2:30am he texted me and said call me if you truly care. so being the person that i am and because i did love him i did call him. he told me he was sorry for saying all the stuff he said and after everything he is greatful that his ex and i are still caring to even talk to him. we talked for like 3 hours everything was going ok. then he said he wanted to figure out what made him the person that he had become, and i said something about he needed to ask god for forgiveness for saying his name in vein over and over and over. then i could tell a change in the tone in his voice. maybe i shouldnt have said that but with the things he was saying you would understand why i did. but he told me that he would call me later to let me know about his ex and if she was doing ok. and we would get together on sat and talk. well the next day i waited and waited to hear from him about how she was but nothing so i tried to text and call him and nothing. then at noon the next day i get a text saying she is going to be ok, there still in love and going to try to make it work and he would no longer have contact with me, goodbye kim. yes it hurt, especially when he said we would meet and talk that sat. yes i tried contacting him. unfortunatlly to many times. a part of me wants to believe that he truly loved me but the other part actually believes he is a narcissistic psychopath when i look back and see the things he did and what i forgave him for. the bad part is that i have no closure. it has been eight months now and he hasnt tried to contact me at all. i do know when we were just friends he told me that when he was with her he could buy anything he wanted and also he said once that when he got back with her that i would be his mistress and i said i would never do that. if he did get back with her i would be no more then a friend, but that was before i knew i was in love with him. the thing is there is so much more but this is long enough but i just need to know even though i know you have no clue what was or is going through his head but did he just use me the entire time? because i truly dont have any clue. but maybe there is a part of me that do
nt want to believe that someone could use someone like that because then i will have to believe he is what i said he is and as bad as my heart hurts now i dont know if i could handle if he truly was just using me the entire time. so when it comes to relationships i will admit im stupid. if you think about it how many 44 year old women do you know that has only been with 3 men. not many…. and how do i get over him and move on. i want control back over my life and i want to be able to trust again. and after what i had went through with telling him everythng and i mean everything because i truly thought of him as being my best friend. just need help…. anything that you could help me with i would greatly appriciate it. thank you, kim.
Mya

July 26, 2015 at 2:11 am

Hi Chris, it’s me again.

Thank you for answering my previous question. I was hoping you could answer this one too.

Do you think the fact that my ex went on vacation with his family during the NC would affect his thinking? He went on it for a week. I was wondering if I should do NC for a week longer? I figured a vacation would be a good distraction and he wouldn’t really have much time to miss me or think about the breakup. What do you think?
Nicole

July 25, 2015 at 10:12 pm

Hi Chris, thanks for all the great advice! I was readin the show notes from your podcast episode “I Hooked up with My Ex…Now What?” and it would be great if you could clarify something for me. Can you please explain in a little more detail “acting like you’re kind of into hooking up and backing out at the last minute?” How affectionate should you be until you back out. Would kissing at all be going too far?
Sarah

July 25, 2015 at 3:22 am

Hi Chris,

After seeing my ex last week and him ending up kissing me, my ex and I have been talking almost every day – with the occassional day long NC implemented by me to keep him on his toes. I found out that last night he went out to dinner dessert and a movie with his ex gf (they were together for 4 years on and off before he broke up with her, and we got together aabout 7months later and were tgether for about a year with a month long breakup inbetween). Hes the guy who had cancer if you dont recall my story.

I messaged him to say my friend saw him and his ex together last night and I guess I was wanting to know if they were back together, as I didnt want to be strung along if he was seeing his ex. He saw the message and didnt reply.

Its been a month since we broke up again and i never implemented the NC as things seemed to somewhat carry on as normal for us, flirty texts, being there for eachother both ways, and just talking most days.

Since finding out he saw his ex last night (to which it appears to me was a date) – I dont know where this leaves me?

I love him, and it broke my heart all over again knowing he was out on a date with his ex last night (where in fact we had talked about meeting up and he ended up postponing on me – obviously now i find out to go out with her!).

I have read the blogs on “what to do if your ex gets a new gf” – but does it all still apply if your ex gets back with their ex?
they had been appart for over a year and a half now.

What should I do – implement the NC rule? What are my chances here?
Im really hurt by whats happened as I thought after our meet up last week and our conversations lately that things had been going really well…i dont get it..

Breaks me heart to think Ive lost him all over again to a woman he told me himself never made him feel good about himself, and never made him feel the way I made him feel…

Where do I go from here?
Jasmine

July 25, 2015 at 2:25 am

I’m in a bit of a different situation at the moment. There has been no actual breakup! I bought your guide though because I found your site to be still pretty insightful and helpful.

My boyfriend pursued me relentlessly and lusted after me for over a year before we got together. When he finally talked to me and we got together (12 months ago) he was absolutely crazy about me. Told me I’m the girl of his dreams, I’m it for him and he’s never felt this way about a woman before. He would tell me how beautiful I am and how proud he was to be with me. We talked a lot about our future together and made so many plans (he often initiated conversations about starting a fa. We were inseparable. He wanted things this way. I was happy.

We went through a lot of drama to be together but agreed it was worth it because we belong together and things were just right.

We have had a lot of things happen to us recently which has stressed him out greatly. I suggested we take a bit of time and we went to go and stay with family separately. I reached out to him 5 days ago (the day we went to take some time) and told him to take his time, told him I was thinking of him and that no matter what happens, not to worry about me because I’ll be fine. He wrote back and thanked me, told me he’s thinking of me too and that he misses me. He said everything has worn him down and he needs to get his head together but that we are okay and he just needs a couple of days. So the “couple” of days has now turned into 5 and I’ve barely heard from him. I thought by giving him physical space, we could still talk. I didn’t text him for a couple of days and then I sent him a funny cat video (we always send each other funny things) he wrote back lol and just a brief comment. I took a bit and then wrote back and said “I hope you’re doing well” and that’s it. Nothing. No response. So I tried calling (I know I shouldn’t but I didn’t feel like we had agreed to go NC and we haven’t broken up), and got no answer. So feeling pretty disrespected, I texted and just said I stick by giving you space but I was unsure about what he wants from me. Does he want me to fully leave him alone. We hadn’t discussed the terms of our space so I was feeling confused. We’ve had space before but we’ve continued talking.
I know most of his current issues aren’t about me but we are meant to be making some pretty major changes together (we’ve just moved and quit our jobs). I’m just not sure what to do aside from just getting on with my life. I don’t want to just sit around waiting. I’m working on making myself the ungettable girl again, not that I’ve let myself go, he only said to me last week how much he loves my body and how attracted he is to me.

I’m just so confused. A breakup would almost be more bearable! Any advice you have would be fantastic.

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