Is Your Ex Boyfriend Playing Mind Games On You? Let's Find Out!

652 thoughts on “Let’s Find Out If Your Ex Boyfriend Is Playing Mind Games”

Jasmine

July 25, 2015 at 1:18 am

I’m in a bit of a different situation at the moment. There has been no actual breakup! I bought your guide though because I found your site to be still pretty insightful and helpful.

My boyfriend pursued me relentlessly and lusted after me for over a year before we got together. When he finally talked to me and we got together (12 months ago) he was absolutely crazy about me. Told me I’m the girl of his dreams, I’m it for him and he’s never felt this way about a woman before. He would tell me how beautiful I am and how proud he was to be with me. We talked a lot about our future together and made so many plans (he often initiated conversations about starting a family, even up until the past few weeks). We were inseparable. He wanted things this way. I was happy.

We went through a lot of drama to be together but agreed it was worth it because we belong together and things were just right.

We have had a lot of things happen to us recently which has stressed him out greatly. I suggested we take a bit of time and we went to go and stay with family separately. I reached out to him 5 days ago (the day we went to take some time) and told him to take his time, told him I was thinking of him and that no matter what happens, not to worry about me because I’ll be fine. He wrote back and thanked me, told me he’s thinking of me too and that he misses me. He said everything has worn him down and he needs to get his head together but that we are okay and he just needs a couple of days. So the “couple” of days has now turned into 5 and I’ve barely heard from him. I thought by giving him physical space, we could still talk. I didn’t text him for a couple of days and then I sent him a funny cat video (we always send each other funny things) he wrote back lol and just a brief comment. I took a bit and then wrote back and said “I hope you’re doing well” and that’s it. Nothing. No response. So I tried calling (I know I shouldn’t but I didn’t feel like we had agreed to go NC and we haven’t broken up), and got no answer. So feeling pretty disrespected, I texted and just said I stick by giving you space but I was unsure about what he wants from me. Does he want me to fully leave him alone. We hadn’t discussed the terms of our space so I was feeling confused. We’ve had space before but we’ve continued talking.
I know most of his current issues aren’t about me but we are meant to be making some pretty major changes together (we’ve just moved and quit our jobs). I’m just not sure what to do aside from just getting on with my life. I don’t want to just sit around waiting. I’m working on making myself the ungettable girl again (I’m going Goddess level actually 🙂 )not that I’ve let myself go, he only said to me last week how much he loves my body and how I look and how attracted he is to me.

I’m just so confused. A breakup would almost be more bearable right now!
Julie

July 24, 2015 at 10:09 am

Hi Chris,

Your content is really helping me so thank you!

I just have a short question, it’s been 6 months since my ex broke up with me and we’re now on good terms. I started your texting methods a couple of weeks ago and he’s responding extremely positively (he said we should catchup again soon).

My only concern is I was brave and mentioned a little intimacy (how I loved holding hands when we went for walks :P) in a text and he didn’t acknowledge that part, however kept the conversation going.

I kinda get the feeling that I should back off a bit and see if he texts me first, did I say something he didn’t want to hear or did I hit an emotional button with him?

What do you think? Thanks Chris 🙂

Julie

July 30, 2015 at 6:32 pm

I realise that now, thank you 🙂

I’ve decided to take a backseat for a while and see if he contacts me first. I’m finding myself getting a little bogged down with it mentally, I don’t want him to slip away but I feel I need to clear my head.

Do you think I can trust the fact that he will come and find me if he wants to talk? (I thought I screwed up when he didn’t answer my last text but he replied 24 hours later saying sorry he was busy with work.) I ended the conversation by not replying.

Everything seems positive so far, I don’t want to stop the re-attraction phase but my closest friends think I should take a step back and wait for him to initiate something.
Chris Seiter

July 30, 2015 at 3:39 pm

Might have been too soon for that BUT the fact that the conversation continued is positive.

B

July 23, 2015 at 5:16 pm

Hi Chris!
Let me just say that even though I literally discovered your blog/website a few hours ago I already love it.
I think that talking about these topics from a male’s point of view was a brilliant idea, although, probably like many I feel as though my situation is a little bit more complicated than the examples you usually talk about and I was hoping on your advice on this.
But you should know upfront its a long story, and also I realize that you might think i’m too young to even worry about this but is a feeling i just can’t shake and after quite a while i figured i should get someone else’s opinion and this time ask somebody who knows what he’s talking about.
So I’m eighteen and i’ve been in love with my now ex boyfriend for slightly more than three years, we’ve know each other since middle school and we’ve always had a thing for each other; then when high school started and our infatuation wasn’t going anywhere we decided to do something about it so we started texting in a more “serious” way i guess you could say. That went well but there was something else that certainly didn’t make things any easier; we lived, and still live actually a little bit more than an hour apart and us not having a car didn’t help either, but we made it work and somehow managed to see each other at least 3 times per week, we also saw each other a lot at practice since our teams used to train together.
I think is important to say that during the time we were together i was maybe a little bit of a bitch sometimes because i had read this book “why men love bitches” and thought it was some kinda revelation but, I’m certain that i messed up that once because we fell apart for a while not too long after. My friends would say it was because we are so different, and i’ll give it to them, we have different backgrounds and maybe different opinions on many things but we were happy together. Anyway we stayed apart for maybe a month and then he texted me with some dumb excuse and we started dating all over again. Though this time i think i wanted him back so badly i came off as a little desperate maybe but it worked, we would see each other often go on dates spend entire afternoons together and do all this happy stuff for a long time. But then it came to a point where i was having a shit phase of my life-to sum it up my mother was going trough her battle against cancer, my parents’ marriage was slowly crumbling down and I was a bit of an emotional wreck- and a the same time my boy friend and I were becoming very intimate but due to my circumstances i didn’t feel ready to go all the way yet so i rejected him once, and after that he became more and more distant and in the moment when i needed him the most he wasn’t there. Maybe a month after that , when he was practically ignoring my texts and calls and not opening up with me about anything more than small talks he texted me and told me he wanted to meet up the day after. So we did, and I knew it was because he wanted to end things, he said he didn’t feel anything anymore and that it all became so dull. I was crushed, i remember sitting there with him and not realizing what was happening, i didn’t make a scene because i still didn’t believe it so i just got up pretended to dramatically throw away the bracelet he had given me – which i now know was extremely childish- and walked away.
But, sadly enough, that wasn’t the end of it not for me. After almost two years i couldn’t just put all those feelings i had aside, i just couldn’t. Back then i thought what i needed was closure so probably after a little more than two months i contacted him and told him i needed to talk to figure things out, we met up and talked for a while ,it felt awkward and i had the horrible feeling that there was nothing there anymore.
Right after i thought that it was all over, you know i had gotten my closure so things would be fine and i would move on eventually. But it didn’t exactly work like that in the end. Not long after that i left my hometown for a year and went abroad for my studies, during that year i met a few guys who were interested in me and i even had two very short relationships, but in both cases when it came to move on to something more than just flirting and going on public dates i would get a weird feeling, like something was wrong and my feelings for them wold go from interest to almost disgust and i promise you I’m not exaggerating because when things started to look a little more serious i wouldn’t even be able to kiss them or hold their hand without feeling uneasy. And of course very often my thoughts would go out to my ex boyfriend. Until one day when i decided to text him, though i didn’t go trough with it my friend, who heard me talking about it, did and they ended up talking about me and to top this my friend, let’s call him mark, will not tell me what they said about me. After that my ex boyfriend posted something very cocky on some social network that i though might be about us and that was the end of our “contact”. Now I am back home and i can’t get him out of my head, i haven’t seen him for more than a year and i believe we both changed a lot during this time, and could possibly give it another try. I guess i wrote all of this because i’m so sick and tired of still being in love with someone i’m not sure i can even get back together with. What do you think about all of this? Please be honest.
I apologize for the novel 🙂 .
Mia

July 23, 2015 at 2:51 pm

What does it mean when a guy lights and puts cigarette in girls mouth?

Chris Seiter

July 30, 2015 at 3:37 pm

It means he has a nasty habit that he needs to quit…

Umm… in all seriousness I think it means he is trying to be cool.

Midmay

July 23, 2015 at 2:31 pm

Hello Chris,
I want to say thank you for all the articles you wrote. It helped me so much ever since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me,but I still need some insight.
5 months ago(in March),my first boyfriend of 4 months broke up with because he couldn’t handle the distance (we live about 2 hours away) and said to me that he was over with dating.
I went directly NC after the breakup,as you recommended that.
A few weeks later,I learned the true reason of the breakup; he loved his other ex and wanted to try again with her. She rejected him,because she already was dating someone else.I badly wanted to break the NC but I didn’t,it was way too soon.
A month later,I hear from a mutual friend that he asked if I found someone new and was a little worried,because I had trouble with another person from my circle of friends who displayed outright creepy behavior (mainly stalking my blog to no end and forcing me to do things I didn’t want to,but that’s not the subject). Still didn’t broke NC.
Then weeks passed by and I felt like I could end NC (after 3 months,in June) so I sent him a message. He quickly answered and we mainly talked about a friend. One week later,I tried striking up a conversation but he didn’t answer. I decided to try another period of NC for 1 month.
And it worked so well. 3 weeks later,he asked if he could get invited to a group conversation with me and my friends( I use Skype a lot to talk to my friends ) I said yes. He said he regretted what happened and hurting me. Now,we’re litterally talking everyday and passing so much time together chatting.. It exactly feels like when we started dating. We never really talked about the breakup,but he just keeps hinting at wanting a second chance,and complimenting me. He didn’t make a real move,however.
Also,his other ex-girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend,and said that she still loved my ex-boyfriend. But I don’t think he cares much since they’re not talking a lot anymore,and he never talks about her unless necessary (a mutual friend keeps bringing up the subject, and it’s awkward )
The situation looks good,but what should I do now ?
Patricia

July 23, 2015 at 1:40 pm

Hi Chris! I need your help because i’m very confused!

My ex and I were together for almost 2 years and then out of nowhere two months ago without any explanation he broke up with me and told me that we’ll never get back together! 🙁 so for almost three weeks I’ve committed almost every single sin of the 7 deadly sins that you talk about. He was an asshole with me so because of that I started the NC rule for a hole month. I actually didn’t want to reach out to him but I left some papers from college in his house and I needed them really bad. So I ask him if he could give it back or at least send me some pictures of the papers. He didn’t respond… after a few days he answers that he had forgotten to send me the pictures. Then he started to asking me about college and my life and If I was happy and things like that…
So at that point I decided to look his twitter account and other things. Everything I found was posts about missing someone, very sentimental lyrics of songs, etc.
A few days pass and he didn’t send me the papers (these are the only things that he have that are mine) so I ask my friend, who is his neighbor, to get my things and give it back to me. I told him that she would contact him for my things and he was fine about it.
My friend just text me and told me that every time she asked him about my papers he said that he would go to her house and give it to her but he never does.
Before this (and I’m not proud of this, believe me) at 2 a.m on a friday night I told him that I miss him.. He didn’t said anything about that but he started to ask If i was Okay and he told me that he didn’t expect my message and bla bla bla. In that exact moment I started the NC again.

I’m very confused… I don’t know if he really misses me or if he is playing some mind games with me. When we broke up he was very rude and mean but now he is worry about me. In person he looks okay and not sad at all but then in every single page he has he shows different things.

Help me? please!! 🙁

PS. my english is not very good
Camille

July 22, 2015 at 8:17 pm

Hi Chris,

I just broke up with my boyfriend 5 nights ago, we had been together for a year and a half (but have been talking for 2 years) We had been long distance the entire relationship (I live on the westcoast in Canada, he lives in Georgia). He is originally from Canada, so it has always been in the plans that he would move out here. He lives out there, and lives with his grandma helping her out since his grandpa died around the time we started dating.

We haven’t seen eachother in 10 months. The last time we did, he had flown me out to see him….even though he had originally promised to come spend time here to meet my family. My sister got married in Europe in June, and he had promised a year ago he would come, and we talked about it actively…..but a few months before said he didn’t feel comfortable coming anymore because it was only immediate family there. This has made me feel unsafe and sad since it seems like he just doesn’t want to see me, and in turn I have been upset/insecure.
We have been planning for so long for him to come here for all of august to spend time together (and also for my sisters second wedding celebration). He is currently back home (toronto) and has been since may because his grandpa died. He would not committ to booking a place/his flight since he “always books things last minute”, and he told me to please just allow him to take care of it. I had been very mindful/proactive bringing things up the months prior/with discussing financials with him, and telling him I will contribute whatever is necessary. He told me to not worry and leave it to him.
The past few weeks he has been alot more busy, going out clubbing (which he used to say he never liked doing), not talking to me as much….

Last weekend, he brought up that he had ‘just’ found out that his father was moving down to Georgia to be with his Grandma….and he mentioned that he wish he had known prior to his visit so he could “start planning his transition down to Toronto”. I felt so upset and hurt that he wasn’t including me in his future plans, and he told me I was being crazy and misinterpreting what he said.
So the other night, I was letting him know how all of this seems like he is just using his words, and not following through with his actions to not come visit. His defense is that I haven’t come to see him either (even though I have offered and brought up the idea quite a few times). I asked him what the status of his trip here was, and he said I should know things like this take time and money, and he doesn’t think he will be able to make it in time for my sisters wedding celebration. I broke up with him…….Am I crazy? Was he trying to string me along and forcing me to break up with him? Was I wrong about all of this? I just don’t understand why he invested so much time into me….I am very upset and have not been talking to him.

Please let me know what you think. Sorry this story is so long and confusing

Camille

July 22, 2015 at 8:23 pm

I do need to add…..I have a personality disorder (BPD) that he has been very understanding and nice about the whole time we have been together. I need more assurance than most people need in a relationship. And he has usually been good at that…..but the past month things have just been awful and he has gotten so distant

M.

July 22, 2015 at 6:06 pm

My ex boyfriend who has a gf a year now still keeps me on fb(without talking or like anything of course). He owes me Money that hasn’t given me although he said he would and I already has asked them once.I kept him too because I followed your advice and tryied everything you said but nothing.I can’t stand him anymore,mostly because she seems to look like me in appearence and character,it’s so disturbing and I feel very akward starting a conversation with him even to just ask my Money. lately he’s started posting photos with the two of them everytime I post sth and I can’t stand it anymore.Also he changed his profile photo to one with her kissing him and his cover with a quote saying sth like ”to tell you the truth I don’t feel anymore…I’m sick of it”..I have no idea if that went for me or no but I really see no hope winning him back..I feel such a loser, I want to just delete him..What do you beleive?Is it over for good?? What should I do?
Katie

July 22, 2015 at 5:40 pm

Hey chris
I broke up with my boyfriend today. He said you will still be the girl I love, and I do love you, and I want to us to stay by each other’s sides. Hearing this before, I know that this is a way to disappear step by step so he wouldn’t seem like the douchebag who cut me off. However, he really started a normal conversation with funny remarks and expressive emojis that I had my doubts maybe he wants to stay friends. Obviously I don’t want that, so I decided to never initiate the conversation, and when he does to talk normally and naturally and always be the first to end it. I do want him back, so is this a good way to start? Also we have the same circle of friends and go to the same college.
Thank you!
abby

July 22, 2015 at 3:53 pm

Hello Chris, me and my ex broke up 3 months ago after our 18 months relationship because he cheated. We are in LDR. Immediately after break up I employed NC but when I was on my 26th day I slept with him so I started all over again but broke NC again when after 2 weeks I responded to his email greeting me on my Birthday. Now I’m on my 3rd attempt of NC and 2 weeks had passed since the last time I talk to him. I just wanted to know if I’m doing the right thing or has my chances decreased? He said he wants me back but I felt like I’m the 2nd option and I’m torn between pursuing on getting him back or turn my back for good. What should I do?
Thank u so much!
Jenny

July 22, 2015 at 1:13 am

Hi Chris,

I have been “sort of seeing” this guy for almost 6 months. We were never officially in a relationship, but we’ve been really close and we used to spend a lot of time together. (We spent New Year’s Eve together; I’ve met his friends and family; we’ve travelled together for 2 weeks.)
Part of the reason why we’re not together is because he still wants to get his ex back (who broke up with him about 10 months ago because of him cheating), and I’m not the kind of person who wants to commit to somebody who cannot actually be with me. And another part of the reason is that he “really likes me a lot”, but he thinks he “is not in love” with me.
Recently, he’s been very busy and stressed because of having to submit his master’s dissertation; at the same time I also have a feeling that he is pulling away (but I’m not sure whether it’s just him being pressured plus me getting too paranoid), because he stopped initiating any kind of contact.
My questions are: Will NC work in this situation? (I just want to know before buying the book.) If he’s still trying to get back to his ex, how should I deal with it strategically? And is it possible to turn his “really like” into a feeling of “being in love”?

Thank you so much for reading this. Hope to hear your advice soon.
And thanks for the great website!
Roxy

July 21, 2015 at 5:27 pm

Hi Chris,
I’ve been on NC for three months now, no text messages no any other social media messages. Our breakup kind of ended up on good terms, he said he hope to see me soon (now I think he was just being plain polite wasn’t he?), and we didn’t block each other, sometimes we both know we are skype or facebook online but he just never texted me. I’m so confused right now – we ended up friendly and he showed there’s a possibility to meet again then why he’s not contacting me? Isn’t he going to be curious about my post-breakup life?

He was the one who initiated the NC on me, as I quote from him “I think we should go cold turkey for a while, don’t contact each other until the breakup emotions are gone. It’s weird to put a number on this NC period, I don’t know when we will be talking to each other again, but for right now I think we need to go our seperated ways.” so basically he taught me how to get over him! How odd was that? I don’t think he’s playing any mind games towards me right now, cuz he’s like completely in dead silence, which I think also is a bad sign right? No sign is a bad sign? No angry no need to feel taking control over me no block/unblock drama etc,. I’m afraid he’s totally moved on. But at the same time I don’t wanna be the first one to reach out to boost his ego. So torned up, what should I do? His bday is two months away, I guess all I can do is keep doing NC for another two months and then send him a normal happy bday message to break the ice:( Help?

Thank you so much Chris. Your words means a lot to me:)
Your Avid Follower

July 21, 2015 at 3:54 am

Hi Chris, I never got a reply to my messages on EBR 036 so I decided to write a summarised version on this post it’s also extremely applicable to this post:

Almost a month ago on fb chat I suddenly got a message from him with the thumbs up emoticon. I replied saying “?” and then I got a reply “sorry it’s (current girlfriend’s name)… my bad.” This was at 6:23am.

I haven’t gotten a call from him since the beginning of may because the last time he called I was out of town and ever since we both haven’t been in the same town together or when we have at the start of june his girlfriend was in town visiting him which i know via snapchat.

I’m 90% positive that he actually sent the message whilst re-reading our conversation from the past and then said it was her to cover his ass because any girl actually snooping her bf’s fb would never actually say it’s her.

I whatsapped him the next day saying saying “hi did you fb messaged me yday?” He waited two days to reply saying “nah it was probably (girlfriend’s name)”. They had spent the last two and a half weeks together at the time, I still think it was him and he’s lying about it being her because why would you tell me that your current gf is insecure about me basically the whole thing was super wierd. I chose to not reply to the message because it was too messy and I had nothing to really say to it because he was clearly looking for a reaction with that message. And since I knew they were at least in the same city during the reply I didn’t want to ask about the calls because I wouldn’t have gotten an open honest response it would have been brushed under the rug.

A week after she extremely uncharacteristically uploaded an album on fb which was had photos form her entire year including 5/6 photos of them together from the past few months. It’s the first time either of them have uploaded anything on to Facebook of them together. For the past year or two I’ve been kept on limited profile from her page but that day i realised she took me off limited so that I could see her page now and specifically see the photos she uploaded of them together clearly that shows her insecurity if she specifically wants me to see them together.

Few days later he changed his Facebook display picture to one of him and his girlfriend, however he did it on the anniversary of our breakup. I know it’s an odd date to remember but since it’s july 4th it’s really easy, so it’s been exactly a year since we broke up. Moreover he changed it at exactly 11:11 which has always been A HUGEEEEE thing for us. We’ve always tried to beat each other everyday at who can text 11:11 first and had that number engraved on presents for each other, its the concept of “11:11 make a wish” and we’d always say our wish came true because we got each other. And the past few months I still go on whatsapp at 11:11 at I’m pretty regular about it night and day to see if he remembers and still goes on and he does it almost as much as me and we both just stay online on whatsapp for 30 secs or the whole minute and log on as if we’re acknowledging each other’s presence. I also know for a fact that it’s not something he started with his girlfriend because a) it was so specifically ours b) he still does it c) I’ve looked at her last see timestamp a lot as well and she’s never online around that time at all plus she’s in a different time zone for most of their relationship so it just not a thing.

Could really use your opinion and advice!

Your Avid Follower

August 19, 2015 at 5:36 pm

He’s proven to be rather, i don’t the word, but calculative given all the other things he’s been doing (regarding the Facebook photo) and everyone already knew they were dating and the date and time of the upload was a little too much of a coincidence. I don’t know their exact start date but i would say it’s maybe been almost a year since they started talking again.
I spoke/texted him regarding his calls over the weekend (I left a newer post on this article regarding that interaction which I wanted your advice on) it was evident from the way he typed that the Facebook inbox that he blamed on her was definitely him.
I think my texts with him over the weekend went well on my part, not being soft or chasing him at all it ended strong on my part.
Your Avid Follower

August 10, 2015 at 8:39 pm

Hey Chris,

You can just reply to this thread it basically sums everything up. 🙂
Over this weekend I also messaged his dad to thank him for the advice he gave me a few months back (when we happen to be on the same flight) on a degree I was considering swapping to which worked out as a great choice. his advice was a huge deciding factor for me as he is in the same industry as my field of study. He responded instantly and humbly.

So I’ve basically been trying to reinforce positive vibes and actions as much as I can in my own little way, what do you make of his antics and what should I do now?

Also no doubt I’ll get another call sooner or later, when I do call him to tell him i know he’s been calling since February (basically since the day I told him how I felt about him) how should I approach the conversation for most success/progress to get him to be open and not defensive?
Chris Seiter

August 19, 2015 at 3:41 am

The new girlfriend could have done it on purpose to let you know she’s dating him. I kind of doubt he would do that but I dont know him personally. The best thing you can do is be neutral with your texts to him. How long have they been dating?
Your Avid Follower

August 4, 2015 at 10:35 pm

He got back into the country a week and a half ago and already called twice again but due to technical logistics I couldn’t prove it was him like I normally can but I know for sure it was because he called hiding his number and stayed silent. But since I couldn’t prove it I didn’t call/message to talk so I’m waiting till he calls again which will be soon enough I’m sure.

Still waiting on your reply to everything? 🙂
Chris Seiter

August 6, 2015 at 10:11 pm

Sorry I was in the process of moving this past week.

PHEW what a pain that is.

I will look to make sure I respond to all your other comments.

lisa

July 21, 2015 at 3:04 am

My bf and I have been dating for 5 months now almost 6… we met on tinder.. and talked while i was away on holiday for 1 month and a half then i met him.. and he was really interested… we rushed the relationship but then on feb 11th he asked me out.. this is my 2nd relationship and his 2nd as well.. I am 20 turning 21 and he is 23… he is an aries and I am a scorpio…

what I realised down the track that im the first girl he has ever been interested in and even with his ex she initiated it first.. he usually friendzones girls as Ive realised.. his not an emotional person.. whereas im very sensitive and emotional… he is “alpha” lol.

Anyway… so yeah he was very nice and amazing in the first month.. cooked for me and we chilled a lot.. and met his mum and sister they’re amazing and liked me! but then… i opened my mouth and on the phone started the first “fight” I said that he was not as affectionate.. and why that was the case… he was shocked (after 2 months) and he was disappointed … he just was different to my ex so i freaked out …I guess because he said he barely holds hands.. didn’t like it as much but doesn’t mind.. but yeah weird.. and isnt lovey dovey mushy love.. it’s been 5 months and only last night i said i loved him and he said i don’t think i even know what love is… 🙁 even with his ex for 3 years he just realised he wasn’t inlove with her.. but IM the first girl he is interested so that is why i don’t want to give up even after 5 months just because he think’s it’ll happen soon anyway… but he cares and thinks of me as his gf , likes me but said “what if those things arent enough? what do i do… i just dislike relationships.. it’s evident since you’ve shown me we are so different” and i said no… were more similar now… i chose to see the negatives before and you convinced me now roles reversed,,, he barely calls.. if ever. he always says “i just dont expect the worse…” he hasn’t bought me anything and thinks he’s a terrible boyfriend and that i deserve better.. he said it’s not excuses otherwise he would’ve ended it easy, “we’re over” but he chose to stay for me… and shows he cares.

but yeah me living far and no license bothers him.. a subfactor but not the main reason… before he would say Im WORTH it.. now it’s annoying he can’t spend as much time with me.. also because he works more..

he is mature, yet he games with his friends which is his hobby and i don’t mind, he sees his friends a lot but yeah and the fact he lives far.. annoys him he says he gets annoyed easy and that’s bad which he knows abouthimself… but thinks he can’t change and i said well you have… after being with me for just 5 months you’ve done things out of your way to please me and show me affection… he is very logical and rational.. rather than me.. emotions which is good but yeah not sure how to KEEP my relationship… or spice it up again.. he just said he doesn’t know what to do now… Im away on holiday now for 8 more days… so i’ll try see him more… after ?

but LAST NIGHT… i confronted him and asked why he was so distant and he said “yeah sorry… i don’t know what to say” … so kyle and I talked on the phone him wanting to break up BECAUSE he doesn’t like relationships and isn’t feeling it… 🙁 but i convinced him when i was crying… and told him I loved him..and he said he was sure we were going to have issues again… and i said no… we won’t if you tell me what you want out of a relationship i’ll avoid the parts that make you angry… and he just said he didn’t know.. he doesn’t know what to do… and thinks it will happen again…

i asked kyle if he 1- cares about me, 2- sees me as a friend of more of a girlfriend and 3- if he still has feelings for me.. and he said… he does care about me a lot (otherwise he would’ve ended it earlier and how im great and amazing..) 2- he sees me as his girlfriend and 3… he said he has feelings for me but just not what it used to be… due to the relationship going downhill… and this happened because of my stupidity of saying he wasn’t as affectionate when we first started dating and all the weird talks he dislikes.. he said his not a very emotional guy and that’s an issue and not fair on me IF he is acting the way he is and selfish yet have me.. and I said but If im happy.. and i love you why are you doubting it? Shouldn’t the decision be up to me?… and he said… no because i don’t know what to do or how to feel .. “you tell me to give this another chance.. but how can what i feel change…? ” and i replied with… communication… telling me what you like or don’t like.. compromising…

I don’t know what to do since he dislikes obligations in a relationships… the need to maybe ask permission or the feeling of guilt when he has a catchups with friends that are girls.. that used to like him and wanted us over yet he sees it as a friend.. his mind set is different.. he thinks ex’s can be friends.. that there shouldn’t be hate unless he cheated on her… he thinks that it was ok to see that girl and myself being insecure.. ruined it and we had a mini fight which made his FEELINGS for the relationship witter away…

so I’m just wondering is there anything I could do to fix this? NC? give him space? see him more.. have sex more? bring the chase back? HOW THOUGH :'( it’s only been 5 months and I do love him… he just doesn’t know how to express or feel… doubts himself

lisa

July 21, 2015 at 3:11 am

he said after i mentioned all the problems about him not being as affectionate and getting angry at him liking this girls photo … he thought ok this is weird.. and started having lack of CONFIDENCE in himself and his relationship skills which he says.. made him care less… so with this info what can one do.

asap

July 19, 2015 at 6:54 pm

Can you do an episode on how to tame a player? How do you excite someone who parties all the time with general conversation very quickly?

‘
Angela

July 19, 2015 at 3:56 pm

I just ran into my ex yesterday. We broke up about 5 months ago and only dated about 4 months. Anyways, I spotted him at the coffee shop and he approached me to say hello. He was with another girl but he left her near the coffee counter and came over to talk to me. He tried to go in for a hug but I stepped back before he could. He asked me how was life? Was I living in the same place, etc? I told him things were great and that my lease was renewed and that I was off to the Pride parade with friends today (its a big deal in San Diego). I didn’t ask him about himself – but he mentioned he was doing well – and then just walked back to the girl but didn’t touch her. I think it is interesting that he did not introduce me to her. Then I ran into them again in the parking lot which is odd since I waited a few minutes before going back to my car to make sure I didn’t run into him.

Is it a good thing that he approached me? Asked specific questions about my life? Didn’t introduce me to the girl?

I really want to reach out to him and say it was great running into him.

Or, should I wait for him to do that?
Anonymous

July 19, 2015 at 1:21 am

Chris! 2 quick questions!

1) Broke up 6/19. He emailed on 6/26 and I replied same day. I emailed him again 6/28 to ask for my stuff and we arranged a date. But I got caught up w/ work and couldn’t make it. NC since then. When would you say my official NC start date is?
2) It’s been 4 weeks post breakup. Why hasn’t he sent me back my stuff? He could’ve also left it with the doorman.

In case you’re wondering, we broke up due to his emotional cheating. I left a comment on another blog and you replied it is a precursor to cheating and would be VERY upset if that happened to you. Funny part is when I broke up with him, he got very angry, blamed me for pushing him there, and blocked me on phone/FB… yep
HARRIET

July 18, 2015 at 5:46 pm

Hi Chris,

First of all I want to say how much this website has helped me! My ex broke up with me about 6 weeks ago now and after the first week of occasional messages I started no contact. I still haven’t contacted him yet and he did not contact me at all during no contact, however he is very stubborn so I am not surprised! Recently though he has been liking posts that I put up on Facebook quite often and also my best friends’ boyfriend happens to be one of his best friends, the other day he made a comment to my friends boyfriend saying that I was not over him, that I want him back and that I am texting him all the time – which of course I am not as we haven’t spoken in over a month! I don’t know if he said this knowing that it would get back to me so he would get a reaction or whether he is just trying to make himself look better? We also work together however we are in different departments so we don’t see each other too often and I have been on leave for the 2 weeks, which has really helped. When we first broke up I was a mess and I couldn’t eat for 2 weeks, which ended up being quite beneficial as I lost about 7 kilos! We broke up mainly I believe because of communication issues, he told me that we were too different and he loved me but he didn’t want to try and work things out as he didn’t think things would change and we would just end up back in the same situation again later down the line. Since we broke up I have realized that I had become very insecure and I was getting upset over silly things and I was generally just not being myself (I think that I got scared that he wouldn’t like me for who I am which I now realize was stupid because that’s exactly why he liked me in the first place!) we were together for 6 months which I know is not a very long time however I have never felt happier and – despite what I said earlier – I was feeling more confident in myself and around him until. I know obviously what went wrong was not down to me. I still miss him very much and I think about him everyday but I know that I do not NEED him for me to be happy. I want us to talk to clear the air but I don’t know how to go about it the best way… I go back to work on Monday so will likely see him around the building and of course I will say ‘hi’ if I see him however I don’t know if I should try and break the ice then, or whether I should send him a message – which I am a bit reluctant to do after what he said to my friends boyfriend. Otherwise there is an event next week that I am going to with my friend and he will be there with my friends boyfriend so do I wait untill then to speak to him?

Thanks again, keep up the good work!! 🙂
Sarah

July 18, 2015 at 5:47 am

To top it off I have also just seen that his ex before me (they were together for 4 years on an off and we broken up for 8months before we got together) and him have now become friends on fb again (after she unfriended him once she found out he had a new gf (me). Now I dont know if he added her, or she added him….but they are friends again. Now im worried hes going to try and rekindle something with her.

I really dont know what to think, and if I should feel threatened by this. I dont feel like its something I should ask him about incase it makes it look like im possessive over him or jealous (although I am jealous). He had deleted me off fb the night we broke up as he felt like it would make it easier, even though we have been talking etc, and he made an effort with me when we met up.

Should I be reading into this? Is he messing with me?
Sarah

July 18, 2015 at 5:38 am

Hi Chris, me again..

So i met up with my ex 2 days ago, he cooked us a candle lit dinner at his place, and seemed genuinely very happy and somewhat excited/nervous to see me. We chatted for a long time and we listened to all this new music we each had discovered that we thought eachother might like (music is sort of our thing).
Eventually he kissed me and although I held strong and I didnt sleep with him, he offered me to stay the night and I accepted (as it was already around 1.30am). We are still talking everyday and flirting. But I wonder if he is playing mind games just to keep me on side thinking that eventually I will sleep with him. We have broken up before and i had told him during that first breakup that I wasnt going to sleep with him unless we were together (e.g. he commits and I officially become his gf). So again I hinted at the fact that I wasnt going to be sleeping with him when i saw him again the other night, and he said he knows, yet hes still talking to me and flirting etc.

I really love this man, and although I know he is far from perfect, I do want to be with him, and he makes me happy. He found out recently that he will not need the chemo, and seems very happy about this. Im not sure if maybe now that the whole Cancer ordeal is over that maybe he changed his mind about me (and possibly is thinking about getting back together), or if he is after a “friends with benefits” deal, which I am not okay with..

From what you can gauge Chris, is he messing with me?

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