Is Your Ex Boyfriend Playing Mind Games On You? Let's Find Out!

652 thoughts on “Let’s Find Out If Your Ex Boyfriend Is Playing Mind Games”

Carlin

March 20, 2016 at 12:52 pm

Hi there,

My bf of 4 four months and I broke up 18 days ago. We’ve had no contact at all except at exactly the two week mark of our break-up he liked one of my photos on Instagram… The photo was of the concert I gave him floor seats of for Valentine’s Day I attended without him the night before. Two days prior I had posted a group shot w one of his mutual friends in it so I’m trying to wrap my head around why he chose to “reach out” for the first time at this time, on this particular moment. I’ve posted nothing since.

Carlin

March 22, 2016 at 12:59 pm

Amor, so I had been 18 days no contact and my ex texted me this: Hey I found ur bathing suit while cleaning my apt. I can drop it off tues or wed if you’d like

I didn’t respond till the next morning. I said: hey no rush. You can give it to [our mutual female friend who introduced us] at the next sports thing

An hour later he responded: ok
I replied: “thanks” then “!”
and he just replied: “ur welcome”

That was it. did I totally mess up? why did he do this? we haven’t spoke since and he seemed firm on the break-up, so I think it was really just to give me my bathing suit back, but was he curious or what? i mean, he could have figured some other way to see me, maybe?
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 31, 2016 at 9:13 am

Hi Carlin,

Maybe that was his way to start a convo, did he text again?
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 21, 2016 at 4:27 am

Hi Carlin,

just contnue posting..make him miss you more..

Akemi

March 18, 2016 at 8:55 am

I love reading your article, very interesting and everything has sense 🙂
I think my ex been playing mind games on me, he is doing ghosting conversation. A week ago he was so attentive when he texts, but now i feel like he’s drawing away. I still love him so much.
if it’s a sign he doesn’t want me back then i will let him go and move on, this is giving me so much pain.
I only want him to man up and tell me what he feels about me.
Holly

March 12, 2016 at 11:51 pm

Chris/Amor: You are making determinations on an ex-boyfriend playing mind games and assuming the ex is *normal.* A great deal of what your followers speak about with respect to the games being played within the different scenarios SCREAMS “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” We are all narcissists but what is the difference between healthy narcissism and the pathological kind?

Healthy narcissism is adaptive, flexible, empathic, causes elation and joy (happiness), and help us to function. Pathological narcissism is maladaptive, rigid, persisting, and causes significant distress, and functional impairment.

I think you should post a disclaimer that you are not privy to the many personality disorders that contribute to the never ending mind manipulation people inflict on one another.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 13, 2016 at 7:14 am

Hi Holly,

Thanks for the suggestion! 🙂 I’ll forward it to Chris.
If the ex appears to be of that behaviour, we don’t advise to get back with him..

Sue

March 7, 2016 at 11:36 pm

So… I did NC. He contacted me several times during it. I ignored him. I saw him during that time at the store where I worked. I was friendly and cheerful like I always had been. He would speak to me and be friendly, but wouldn’t look me in the eye and was clearly uncomfortable. So he started avoiding coming into the store at all. (Until literally a few days after I quit there, now he goes in there again) Fast forward. NC ended and I began my texts. I got either positive or neutral answers at first. Then the last 3 days we’ve chatted some. All positive and 2 of the 3 were I initiated by him. He told me yesterday that he’d be in today where I work (new job at a bank). I saw him go by looking in to see if my car was there, but he didn’t come in. So…. I’m confused. He messages me, but simulateously avoids seeing me in person. Is he playing mind games or is he just reeeeeeally that uncomfortable. And why would he say he’d be in if he was clearly avoiding me? 😛

Sue

March 9, 2016 at 2:56 pm

I found out later he did come in…. I don’t know how I missed him… Either way, the more time goes on the more I’m starting to think he’s a waste of my time. He has so much potential, but can’t seem to grow up and get out of his own way. There will always be a part of me that loves him, but I can’t fix him, nor do I want to try. It’s not my job. “No Good For You” is starting to feel like it should be my theme song…. So… While I’m sure I’ll have weak days…. More and more I’m feeling like I can just move on… And skip the without moving on part! If nothing else, your articles have given me focus, direction and a way to redirect my energy into something else that’s positive like friends, activities and exercising … We’ll see where this goes, but I’m not stressing any more and I’m finding me again. Thanks 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 9, 2016 at 9:54 am

Maybe he’s not really ready yet..he’s having second thoughts.. it means you have to build more rapport and attraction.. transition to calls first and don’t ask him why he didn’t come in

Erin

March 4, 2016 at 5:10 am

Hi, I really need an advice about what should I do now. I have an ex, ee were together for almost 7 years, and it was a rough road. The fight that happened between us mostly because of time, he tried to give me his time and now I realize that I didnt see it that he really fought for it. He’s job is a coffee shop manager and it was really his dream to make it big, but it drains his and he didn’t told me.
When he broke with me, and that’s a week ago, he thought that we didn’t work anymore and he said that he doesn’t want to be anybody’s burden, he doesn’t want to be an obstruct for me because I know I can grow without him, and he need to focus on his life, he want to live by himself, he tired with “us”. Actually I’m enough independent but with him, I become so so spoiled and selfish. and its drained him too.
On that time,I never ever thought that he would take that decision, that time I just wanted to fight for him, I knew its time for me to be in his shoe, but because of the shock, I couldn’t told him that. All that went out from my mouth was just a begging. He said that if we are mate, then we’ll be together, but it doesn’t make senses for me until now. He want me to forget about him and try to live my life, but I asked him if in 3 months I couldn’t do that, I want to come back, and after all bargaining, he give me 6 months but no-contact for that time, and I agreed it.
When I broke with him, I only had a little time to processing all the things, that’s why I gave hime my agreement without thinking.
I haven’t contact him until now, because I dont want him to hate me and think that I’m just a nuisance for him. When he said no contact, I thought no call, messaging, chat, and the other, but a day before yesterday, he even blocked my instragram.
Everyone said that I have to accepted it, and let it go because there is a bigger problem if I continue with him (my religion), but I really confused until now, why he didn’t give me a second chance?why he did that?I want to fight for him, I know he is tired but I want to be with him.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 4, 2016 at 7:41 am

Hi Erin,

the thing is because of the mentioned time, of he doesn’t contact within 6 months that means you have to do no contact longer than 6 months because any effort within 6 months and shortly after it will make him think you still want him back and if he didn’t initiate contact, that means he still doesn’t want you back.. So, choose whether to move on totally or move onwithout totally moving on because you’re going to try to talk to him again maybe after 8 months…

Kate

February 25, 2016 at 3:15 pm

Hi. My BF of 2 years broke up with me in Dec. I broke no contact after 30 by texting, it was going really good and I was getting positive responses. He went on vacation last week, and was being hot and cold (mostly cold) to me the whole week. Now when I text him, he doesnt reply or I get short neutral responses that I can’t keep a conversation with. Though when I snapchat him, he seems to respond good, and even flirts with me! What can I do to get him back texting?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 26, 2016 at 7:20 am

Hi Kate,

The purpose of texting is actually ti have enough rapport and attraction for a call, then the purpose of calls is to lead to dates, the dates should be the phase more focused on building more attraction to get him back…

you can reference this blogpost for texting ideas..
Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)

Sara

February 25, 2016 at 1:45 am

Thanks for this article! My ex and I had a few arguments over email months into our breakup. He also played tons of games on messenger apps like signing off and online during same timing and copying my logout times. Changing his profile pic to match mine – all to get my attentio.

After last major email fight full of his lies, he forced himself to stay offline. A year approx after breakup, he comes online again doing the same behavior for four months and now offline for a few weeks. I haven’t contacted him because he has not been honest about his actions and he is responsible for breakup.

Why cant he simply just contact me instead of mind games for over a year now??? I am wondering if he will ever get rid of his ego!

Sara

April 5, 2016 at 11:37 am

Well, I did confront him and he wont even acknowledge that he has been trying to get my attention? He also is refusing to contact me because I am being “rude” for telling the truth.

Why is he behaving like this? What should I do?

Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 8, 2016 at 5:03 am

if he’s like that better to just stop talking and let him be
SARA

February 26, 2016 at 10:58 pm

Hi Amor,

My real question is why continue this behavior so long for over year? Does this mean he still has feelings, but top proud to show it?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 27, 2016 at 10:24 am

it can be.. it can also be because he doesn’t know how to approach you, it can also be because he doesn’t want to let go of his ego.. we can’t know that for sure unless he shows more signs
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 25, 2016 at 1:17 pm

Hi Sara,

Exactly..it’s because of his ego

JJ

February 24, 2016 at 12:42 am

Chris – I finally bought the book and implemented your tactics – it seemed to work so well! I contacted him after the NC rule was over. He was cheerful and responded quickly that we should meet up. We picked a date. So I text him the day we were supposed to talk and he said it’d have to be later because he had a meeting at work. I said sure, no problem.

Then he sends a text saying he is having a rough day at work and actually left early, asking me if later that week or the following would work. I didn’t get a chance to respond and then he sent another text saying he can actually text me in a little bit – he just didn’t want to meet if he was in a bad mood.

I know I may be over analyzing this, but I can’t help to be disappointed and feel like he’s avoiding me. Didn’t he have a meeting at work, but he left early? If he really wanted to see me wouldn’t he make it happen instead of rescheduling?

I feel like he’s either seeing someone else, avoiding me, or playing mind games. I don’t know what to think? Help!

JJ

February 24, 2016 at 5:47 pm

Thanks, Amor. Clearly he has a big effect on me because I’m reading into his every little move. I found out that he went out with his coworkers instead last night (so was he lying about having a bad day at work?) – this makes me feel like he’s really avoiding me. (Also – lying is never good!)

We spoke briefly today and rescheduled for tomorrow. We had a brief text exchange and then the conversation seemed to cut short. You think he is playing mind games on me or really not interested?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 25, 2016 at 11:25 am

Oh that’s not good.. it means he’s not that interested
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 12:09 pm

hmmmm l.. let’s see first..but as of now, stick to texting in the meantime, take it slow

Keely

February 14, 2016 at 5:37 am

My ex and I started talking again and the conversations are great and he said he wants to take things slow and get back to where we were at. Yet he doesn’t act like it. He doesn’t text me unless I text him first and we will have great conversation and the next thing I know he stops. Please I need help with this he is a great guy and I want same to work things out and rebuild. Please I need advice. He hasn’t talked to me for about a week and I tried talking him first and nothing. He says he likes me and wants this with me so what am I missing or doing wrong

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 14, 2016 at 9:04 am

Hi Keely,
He texts every other week? or this thr longest he hasn’t text yet?

Breanna

February 7, 2016 at 6:34 pm

Quite the lengthy string of comments here. It sucks that so many women are in the same boat.
I’m going to take a chance here and outline what’s going on with my situation in hopes that Chris will see it and give me a little bit of insight. I do plan on buying the book but there are some very important details to my situation that I’m confused about.

So I was in a very good yearlong relationship with my dude, which came to an end shortly after Thanksgiving last year. We were best friends before and during our relationship. We were coworkers in the beginning, and everyone could see that there was definitely something between us, even before we could. We finally started dating a few months after becoming so close and I honestly feel like he’s the person I’d love to be with for a very long time. But obviously, since I’m here on this site, things went downhill. I have pretty rough anxiety, and I feel as though it played a big part in pushing him away. He had told some of our friends (we have pretty much all the same friends) that he felt trapped, and that was why he broke up with me. When he did actually break up with me, it was on a weekend. We still had classes together at our college, and a couple of days later he gave me a bag filled with some (not all) of my stuff, a pair of his pajama pants (wtf?), and a letter which outlines why our relationship was so great and that I shouldn’t be sad, and to continue living life and experiencing things and being happy. I went and hung out with one of our mutual friends that Friday (who is married, with a child), and the following day my guy texted me asking why I was hanging out with “his friends”. I calmly stated that they were my friends too, and that I had the right to do so. He then expressed concern that our friend might try something with me, and that it wasn’t the idea of me relating to someone else that bothered him, that it was just the friend aspect. I assured him that it wouldn’t happen, that I wouldn’t let it, and he calmed down and said he wasn’t mad at me, he just wanted to clear that up, and that he considered us friends.
The following Wednesday, we were in class again and I walked outside to my car to get something, and he was standing outside by the doors when I came back up to the school. We talked for a little bit, he told me what he had been up to, and what was going on in his life (he had moved in with some of his friends and he was afraid he was getting sick). We talked for about five or ten minutes there before I went back to class, and during this conversation, he hugged me three times (very extended hugs) and even brushed my hair from my eyes as I was talking. Confusion!
The next week, he came through my job and later texted me saying “Sorry, I thought you were off today.” And I didn’t respond. After that, he just went ghost. This was mid-December, and a week later I was hanging out with his now-roomate and was in my feels pretty deep and texting him asking “What are we even doing?” His response: “What?” Then I said “I’ve never met two strangers who were friends at all.” (implying my confusion at how he said he wanted to be friends and the opposite is happening currently). Anyway, after that, I heard nothing from him until three weeks ago, before classes started again, when he called me one Sunday night. He asked me to come help him move his box-springs for his bed, since my dad has a truck. I live in the county over from him, and I know there are other people who own a truck closer to his location that could’ve helped. Am I reading too much into this? While we were together that night, he told me a little about why he moved out of his house, and about how he and his roommate were thinking about moving into a different apartment complex soon. He also asked me what my class schedule was like, which is odd to me because before we broke up, we had actually planned out this semester together. So honestly he should have known what classes I had. Anyway, after moving the boxsprings to where they needed to be, I hung out for about half an hour, maybe 45 minutes with them, then I left. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome. So I left and heard nothing from him until school started the next week. He continues to wear all the clothes that I bought for him to school, and sometimes I’ll catch him looking in my direction in class or when I’m in my car and he’s walking by. We have a Biology lab that we go to every Monday and he sat with me on our first one, which means that he’s my lab partner. Weird, because he doesn’t sit anywhere near me during our other classes. We don’t talk at school.
A lot of people tell me I should just leave him alone and not mention any aspect of “us” to him, because he makes it seem as if he’s truly just completely done and doesn’t want to be with me again, that he “isn’t feeling it”. And though it makes me feel like a psychopath to say this, I don’t think that this is true at his core. Naturally I’m drawn to wanting to take some sort of action, but I don’t know exactly what that should be or if I even should. I just want to know what this seems like to you, from his perspective, and what you think I should do! Please give me any insight that you can, I am fighting so hard for him and for the possibility of us. It’s what I want to do, even though right now it doesn’t look so great…
Thank you!

Breanna

February 13, 2016 at 5:24 pm

So, to update. I didn’t sit with him during our lab this week. I have done a good job of avoiding him as much as I can. Something I have noticed this past week, though, is that he has made eye contact with me more than once, which is definitely not something he had been doing (he had seemingly been avoiding it). Also, two days ago immediately after class he came to my place of employment for some food, and looked directly at me. I wasn’t on the clock yet. I know it is natural for someone in my position to want to read into this, and maybe I am, but I don’t understand the purpose of coming to my restaurant when there are dozens of other ones to choose from.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 14, 2016 at 4:58 am

because he misses you
Breanna

February 8, 2016 at 12:59 am

I will keep you updated, but I wonder how the NC rule can be followed in this situation since we have at least one class together every day. Would being around me so much essentially be like me contacting him?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 8, 2016 at 9:52 am

that means, you only talk to him if really necessary, and you don’t talk about the feelings and the relationship, no small talk.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 7, 2016 at 7:07 pm

Hi Breanna,

Actually from your comment, it looks like he’s trying to reconnect but I agree with others, that you should not ask him about getting back or talking about your feelings, that can push him away.. Observe his actions more.. then update us…

Adithya

January 28, 2016 at 6:32 am

Dear Chris, I’ve been following everything specified on your site. Really helpful info. Yet, I couldn’t succeed in getting him back.

Details of the relationship :

Long distance relationship, 4 years of togetherness , boyfriend with OCD.. in your terms , a good and healthy breakup though crying was involved.

I did not speak to him for a month and tried texting him yday with a msg about the movie he asked me to watch when we were together.
No response.

My question is do you know how an OCD patient’s girlfriend handle a breakup? That’s because his medical conditions are the major barriers in the relationship.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 30, 2016 at 5:10 am

HI Aditya,
According to Chris, it will be difficult but not impossible. You need incredible amount of patience with him. How is his OCD like?

Sue

January 27, 2016 at 9:10 pm

Hey Chris,

This thought has always bothered me:
Let’s say that the relationship I was in didn’t work because I had issues, and so did he.
while post-breakup I decide to better myself during NC and actually do improve on myself (behavior-wise) and manage to get rid of my issues(that killed the relationship), and lets just say that I manage to get my ex back.
while I have done my bit, What if the guy hasn’t done any self improvement? wouldn’t that again possibly lead to another breakup?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 28, 2016 at 9:08 am

Hi Sue,

Yes it will. By then, it will depend on your standards alone if you accept him to stay like that but if he doesn’t change, you have to choose. Stay with him and persevere in an unending cycle or leave and be firm with your standards that if he wants to stay, he has to change. But if he doesn’t, be prepared for him to leave.

Annabelle

January 22, 2016 at 8:05 am

Hi Chris,

I met my ex-BF last 2014 on an online game. We were long distance and I haven’t met him in person. I’m not too sure exactly what his reasons are why he hasn’t come home as he’s originally from here but is staying in another country. Maybe financial issues or so. But I know he doesn’t have a wife or any third party. We’ve been on and off but we manage to resolve our problems and we’ll be okay again. Again last December 2015, we gotten into a fight as I was just being emotional about little things. During December 2015, he’s broken up with me as he said he wasn’t happy anymore and we’re always just fighting. Of course I did the crazy girlfriend things I wasn’t supposed to do, beg him and call him multiple times to talk to me. But he wouldn’t. We didn’t talk for about a week, then I couldn’t take it, I would start calling him again. When he talked to me, he said he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. He told our mutual friend that he’s gotten over the fighting and don’t want it happening every time, so he said he’s lost his feelings for me. We haven’t spoken for more than a week after our last conversation him telling he lost his feelings for me. I really do have strong feelings for this guy, but I know we haven’t met yet and he’s too far away. So I don’t know if he will ever come back and patch things up. As he already blocked me on Facebook after I’ve unblocked him and deleted me on Skype. 🙁 I’m trying to move on and not message him. Do you think there is a chance he would want us to get back together even if we haven’t physically met? 🙁

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 23, 2016 at 3:20 pm

Hi Annabelle,

Truth is, I don’t believe that relationships work unless you meet but if he’s going back, there is a chance he will. You have to wait though until emotions have subsided and you’re unblocked.
Annabelle

January 22, 2016 at 8:18 am

And by the way, he also told our mutual friend that the next time he’ll get into a relationship, it wouldn’t be LDR. So I’m kind of really under no hope right now about us. But he continues to talk to our mutual friend, this friend that I talk to as well about my relationship with my ex. So I don’t know if my ex is discreetly wanting me to know this thru a mutual friend we both talk to.

Agh!

January 3, 2016 at 9:01 pm

Hi! I know you get tons of comments but I’ll give this a shot anyways!
Basically my ex and I broke up once because he said the relationship was just hurting him too much since I didn’t make a big effort. He had given me multiple “second chances” but the same thing would happen and I wouldn’t make the effort to see him and balance school and other parts of my life. I guess I never appreciated him until I lost him or felt like this great guy who I love was going to be gone soon. Anyways, I begged (oops) and he was very set on us not getting back together. Yet a week later when we hung out, and we were about to kiss but he hesitated and said it’ll make things harder but we kissed anyways. Later he refused to get back together (very set on that) until I went to his house to use his bathroom. I was waiting on the couch to pass time before my next bus was coming and we started kissing again and he said I miss you, you’re so beautiful you give me butterflies, let’s get back together. So, at first he wasn’t all that in to me but things got better until a reminder of our stressful past (letting school’s stress interfere with our relationship) came up and that week went downhill and he broke up with me. Two weeks later, he tries kissing me but then pulls away and I say you can’t do that, to which he replies with, maybe I wanted it. Then he reassured me about how he’ll always be there for me and I know that it was sincere. Now, its been over a month and he told me he still loved me last week but that he knew he wasn’t the right one or else this situation wouldn’t have happened. We texted like a couple and he complimented me. He even said he was contemplating getting back together but he says our past is just to much. He associates me with very negative feelings although we had some really great times. He said he felt worthless and low self esteem now because he says he just wasn’t worth it and that I’ll find some great guy who is but that is what he is for me. We kept talking but he recently said we should stop because its too depressing for him. I don’t know what to do, I see him at school often and I’m afraid that NC will get him to move on to someone else even if I look more attractive because he avoids looking at me or talking to me. Especially when I look good he makes no eye contact! I’m just not sure what’s going through his mind and why he’s so set on not getting together or talking to me when I know he loves me.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 19, 2016 at 6:09 am

Hello Agh! 🙂
He said I’m not getting together because he associates you with negative memories as you said. You need to make new ones. If you’re still talking to him, or any way that you’re in contact with him, maybe make it more friendly or just ask him out of the blue with your common friends. If he doesn’t want to go with you then let it go, if he does then take the time to make good memories and just have fun until he comes to a point that he can see you as the person who he wants to be with again.

Laurie

December 27, 2015 at 8:32 pm

Hi Cris,

Really thank you for this guide, it has helped alot. Can you maybe shed some light on other ways there are to break ghosting? I’ve already been succesfull with the confession text but ghosting has happened again.

thank you,
Mandy

December 20, 2015 at 4:18 pm

Hey Chris!
My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago, we were both very emotional, but he said it was for the best in the long run as we kept fighting. We said we’d still be friends and arranged to meet up. He checked in with me by text the next day to see if I was okay and we planned to meet up three days later, I went in extremely positive and happy. Nothing really had changed, a bit of distance was there but so was a lot of chemistry, he text me a lot after. One day I never received his texts and he went a bit crazy too. We met for drinks a week after, he went a bit more distant, but we seemed like good old friends. The next time we met after things changed a lot – he was wrestling, tickling, pulling me close and hugging me – but told me he was fine with how things are – so I tried putting in some boundaries. From then on he went extremely flirtatious, make fun of me about it, he hit my bum three times on the way out. Next day he wished me a good holiday, after a short response, I never really text him back.
We haven’t spoke for a week so I’m trying NC from here on out. Is it just a game to him? Is it even worth pursuing? He always has his phone and texts, this is the longest we’ve not spoke, it’s also extremely weird he hasn’t really text me either.

Thank you!
m

December 13, 2015 at 8:18 pm

Hi I’m new here but I really need male advice! Please!
Basically my partner left me the Wednesday before our 4 year anniversary…. said he felt nothing and needed to do this so as not to hurt me. He’s also in tears on the phone.
So next morning he texts me saying it doesn’t make him happy either. Then he rang me saying he wants his stuff to be left at my house because he thinks it’s only temporary. Also that he has no intention of sleeping with anyone else. That night he sends me a text saying he is not ignoring me but needs a week of no contact to sort his head out then he will talk.
To get to the point I’m feeling all of it right now and he has really confused me.
Any ideas what’s going on or if he really will come back?
B

December 7, 2015 at 9:48 pm

Chris, please help! (I already have your pro system by the way) My ex broke up with me 5 months ago (the first two of those months he asked for ‘space’ and he ghosted me before actually removing our relationship status from fb, this was easy to accomplish because we were long distance during that time). Our breakup was due to my major depression, I had become clingy and controlling and I hurt him unintentionally that way. He said he didn’t love me anymore and even if I got help and got rid of my depression it wouldn’t matter. He even told a mutual friend he didn’t like me as a person anymore. I did get on new meds and I’m truly happier than ever. Well after him actively avoiding me in a bar, I sent him a message apologizing for my behavior in our relationship and said have a nice life. He apologized for how he handled the breakup but I didn’t respond. I waited 5 more weeks NC then contacted him asking for help with something I knew he was knowledgeable about. It went great. He responded immediately and helped me, teased me a little and kept the conversation going even after I tried to end it. We had contact a few times here and there after that. His responses were always somewhere between positive and neutral. He never ignored an initial text but sometimes would just stop responding after a text or two. I basically gave up hope but decided to just take a gamble and ask him to go to the gym with me. It went great! Lots of flirting and teasing. He had cut his hand so after he asked to come into my apartment to clean it, so of course I let him. He kissed me! Pretty passionately too. It only lasted a minute or two and I just paused. Then I just said ‘well, I didn’t anticipate that.’ He said he missed me physically but also personally and was really happy I’d finally beaten my depression. I told him I missed it too but I would not be his friend with benefits, and he said he already knew that but he needed to focus on his grades and he’d been pretty happy being single and didn’t have time to date, but said he wanted to keep talking, and basically said we would reevaluate next semester. So we went back to texting here and there, mostly I initiated but sometimes he did too and I tried my best to be the one to end the conversation. One of the most recent convos he was irritating me on purpose so I said ‘I hate you’ jokingly of course, he responded ‘no you love me’ I said ‘I dunno about that’ he said ‘you like me’ to which I said ‘Maybe I like you a little bit’ he said ‘awww shucks’ but shortly after he just stopped responding. A couple days later he sent me a link to a video, but he’d shown it to be before so I didn’t respond. This is all A few weeks after the kissing incident, a couple days later we both went to this formal for our university. He came up and said hi to me and my friends immediately when I walked in. Later he came up to us on the dance floor, talked a bit then said he was going to find his friend and kissed me on the forehead as he walked away. Later he came up to us again, and we were both fairly tipsy at this point, and he started really dancing with me like really getting up on me and he gave me a quick kiss on the lips out of nowhere. But then later on he pulled my best friend aside and asked her to walk with him to get another drink. Clearly he wanted to talk to her. Later on she told me that what he said to her was he wants to sleep with me but doesn’t want to date me. What is going on? Why would he say that to her when obviously she would tell me, and he knows I would never go for that. His actions toward me had been nothing but sweet and he didn’t even try to get me to leave with him. We dated for almost 3 years and I have never known him to be manipulative and when we were dating I had a higher sex drive anyway! Everyone just tells me to forget him and find someone else, but I have known him to be a much better person than this. What does this mean? Do I have any shot at getting him back? And if so, how? Should I stand up for myself and tell him that was disrespectful and he crossed a line or just ignore it entirely and not speak to him until he contacts me? Please help me! 🙁
A

December 6, 2015 at 10:48 am

Hello Chris,

Another guest, client, ect here with an ex boyfriend issue. Before i get into my problem i would like to give a little background information.

I lost my virginity to my ex. We have kids together. I was with him for nine years, did leave him a few times before because of the same issue with feeling emotionally neglected, taken for granted, betrayed, ect.

Every time i left him i had always been the one to contact him first after a week or so. I ended up feeling guilty for leaving and went back to him. He had always said those times i left him should just be considered a seperation and not a break up. We had talked about marriage but he never made the move to get rings or make it happen.

He has cheated on me once that i know of and i suspect a few other times which of course tends to bring about the.. “Gee i must be crap if he seeks out intimacy elsewhere” feeling. So of course i tried to fix things by working out, reading about and trying new things in bed, ect.

I recently left him a few months ago because i felt taken for granted, strung along with talks of marriage and nothing happening, no effort on his part in regards to the cheating, ect. He just always wanted to sweep it under the rug and such.

Well now here is my issue. I left him and moved to another state. Well once again i was first to make contact and such. This time he has been pulling this stunt where he will talk to me through email for a few hours and sometimes he will say he has to go and will be on the next day or he will just stop messaging me period.

When he does this he is never on when he says he will be and a week goes by before he emails me again. He has never been rude in the emails. He has been pleasant actually and sometimes he comes on to me. If i replied angrily letting him know what was upsetting me he will apoligize for it. Other times he will just tell me how things have been with him and that he wants to get a house and land and such.

This one day a week email has been driving me nuts and i feel like he is playing mind games. My question is…. Would it be for control purposes? I dont even know if i ever mattered to him and i wish he would just be straight with me and tell me what the heck he actually wants.

I read over your site a bit and i was considering doing the whole NC thing, if only to keep my sanity it tact because he does drive me nuts lol. I would like to know if it would be too late to do NC or not.

Chris Seiter

December 7, 2015 at 6:02 pm

I definitely think you should try the no contact rule.

Tiffany

December 4, 2015 at 9:58 pm

Hey Chris! I just need some advice… I’m about to tell you my entire story…

My story is that I met this guy(we’ll call him Mike) in high school. His mom used to do my hair and still does sometimes and I would fantasize over his pictures in the hair salon. Mike and I never really talked in high school because he had a serious relationship with a girl for about 4 years, but we always grinned at each other in the hallway while changing classes. His Junior and Senior year in high school we ended up working at the same restaurant. I was in a serious relationship during this time and we would always have deep conversations during work and get in trouble for it lol. The guy I was with at that time had cheated on me several times and I was depressed. Mike kept telling me that I was extremely blind. He told me, “I am the kind of guy that will randomly bring you a dozen roses to work.” Well, it took a while, but I ended up breaking up with my, then, boyfriend. Mike and I eventually faded our communication unknowingly after I quit working at the restaurant.
A few months down the road we contacted each other every now and then about riding to the gym together and I got him into doing CrossFit. At the time, I was still trying to get over my ex and we would sit in the car silently and he always asked what I was thinking. He is so caring…
I began to realize that these past couple of years this guy has been trying to pursue me and show me that there is much better for me right in front of my eyes. We eventually started talking and he was such a dream… I never knew anything like this existed. We were head over heels for each other in no time and made it “official” a month later. At the time he was 19 and I was 21. He is now 21 and I am 23. So we’ve been together for a little over two years now. I’ve built a strong bond with his family and friends and we all love each other and are so comfortable with one another. His mom became my best friend and his parents began to call me “daughter-in-law.” Everyone around us swore we would get married and always asked, “When?” Which I think may have scared him a little because he never wanted to talk about it…
About two weeks ago he broke up with me… On a Saturday night after a movie with our friends(we have the same friends) we got to his house and he stopped me and said, “I want to take a break.” I knew he had been a little distant and had something on his mind for about 2 weeks prior. I, then, hit him with, “I knew this was coming…why?” And, of course, I started bawling. He said, “I just have a lot I need to figure out right now. I have a lot on my plate and compared to everything you do for me I just don’t think I’m capable of giving you everything you deserve. I’m not mature enough for this kind of relationship, right now. This will be a chance for us to grow.” He is a workaholic and he’s also in school. He’s a busy body and always on the go. A lot of the time, wherever he goes, he wants me to go. I loved every minute of it. We had our bickering, but never an all-out screaming argument. There was all the trust and honesty in the world. I have never been with someone that I connected with so deeply and that is so real and genuine. I like to say he knew I was in love with him before I knew it myself lol. I proceeded to ask him, “is this a break or a break up?” He said “I don’t know I just need time to figure everything out.” I asked “to figure what out?” He said, “I don’t know there’s just a lot going on right now.” I then said “Well what about your family? Your parents have become my parents and your cousin calls me his sister?” He told me that we can still keep in touch.
Anyway, I grabbed my things from his house and it took us an hour to say goodbye. He was so loving towards me and kept holding me and kissing my forehead. I told him, “I respect your decision if it will help you to grow and mature and figure everything out. You’ve given me the best two years of my life.” He grabbed me and held me and said, “Thank you.” I went back home to grab his Christmas gift I had for him and went ahead and gave it to him. He took it willingly and was very happy about it and told me I didn’t have to. The next morning after church he walked out the door and right up to me with a huge smile and hugged me. He plays the drums at church and I told him he did good that morning. He smiled and said, “Thank you. Are you going to eat with us?” I said, “No I drove my car here so I’m going home.” I think he was surprised and he said, “Ok… Well Bye! I love you!” And I replied, “I love you too!” And we were on our way…. That night I texted him and said I didn’t know if I could do this. He said, “I’m sorry. This is what I want.” I continued with, “I love you.” He said, “I love you too.” It wasn’t until that Thursday that I texted him again and just said, “Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for you! I love you!” And he responded with, “You too! Love you too!” And then no more contact… That weekend he was out of town with some friends at a football game that I was supposed to go to, but well…we’re broken up so that changed. So I spent some time with his mom for the weekend and we had fun. Everyone was telling me, “This is just a phase he’s going through. He just needs time to breathe and miss you. It’ll bring y’all together stronger. That boy loves you and there’s no way y’all are over! It doesn’t make sense! Just give it some time!” And of course I’m filled with hope by now. Well Monday came and I wanted to talk to him. I called and he didn’t answer, so I thought, “Well I’m out running some errands so I’ll stop by his house and talk for a minute.” I stopped by and he was home. I rang the door bell and he never came to the door. Inrang it again and the next thing I hear is his truck crank up and he’s backing out of the driveway and was leaving… I waved him down and thought, “Well maybe he just didn’t see me.” So I called him and he didn’t answer… I left his house and called his mom to talk and he called me back after I left and while I was on the phone with her. I answered and said “Hey!” And in an irritated manner he said, “Hey!” I asked him what he was doing and again irritated he said, “What are YOU doing???!” I told him I was out running some errands and I wanted to stop by and talk for a minute. Very angrily he said, “No you do not need to come over here. Talking on the phone is just fine! I don’t want you to think I’m sounding mean or anything, but there is nothing to talk about! Don’t have all this hope that we’re getting back together because we’re not! I don’t want this, we are not getting back together! It’s over!” I was stunned because the “Mike” I know would have came to the door, let me in, and sat with me to talk in a civilized manner like I had intended. Although he was acting very irate, I stayed calm and asked him what was wrong. He said, “Nothing is wrong! I already told you everything and there is nothing else to talk about! We need to cut all ties! You move on with your life and I’ll move on with mine!” I remained calm and said, “Ok I’m sorry for calling, and I’m sorry it had to be this way. These past two years were great, but I’ll move on. I love you.” He said irritated, “Ok! Love you too!” And we hung up… Today is Friday and we haven’t seen or talked to each other since. I have only texted him twice and called him twice in the past two weeks that we have been broken up. I’m confused as to why he was so angry! I haven’t done anything and he even told me, “It’s nothing you’ve done! You haven’t done anything!” I just don’t understand his anger…
Anyway what I’m getting at is although he said those things to me, could there still be a chance that we get back together? We have a lot of history and he really is an amazing man…I don’t know where we went wrong. Just last month we were talking about what we plan on doing for Christmas and then planning a trip to the mountains in February. A few months ago he was talking about how he honestly can’t see himself with anyone else because we just “get” each other and we’re so connected. He said I’m his best friend and he can’t imagine life without me. Not to mention we go to the same church, live 5 minutes from each other, and go to the same CrossFit gym to workout. But all of a sudden this happened? Could it be that he saw how serious it was getting and ran? Is he afraid of commitment? We share so much I just have so much hope that it isn’t over despite those things he said to me. His mom seems to think it will take time for him to realize what he has lost. Is this just a phase he’s going through because he IS just 21 and is still maturing. Plus all the pressures of work…he didn’t go to school but he’s got a job in banking that 30 year old men with 4 year degrees do. Is he just too stressed to think about me right now? Did he get mad because I tried to contact him too soon? Because I went to his house? There’s so many unanswered questions…. I just want to be with him again. I can’t help but to think he is the one because there is just so much there.

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