You know the things about marathons…
There are two types of people who run them.
There are what I call lifers, the ones that train and train and train and then they go run marathon after marathon.
But then, there are those that train, run one race, cross that finish line, and then go back to their everyday life.
A lot of people get into running expecting to it to change their lives. They don’t realize how much work goes into making the lifestyle work.
How do I know this?
Well, because I am one of those people.
I wanted to love running so much that I bought several pairs of those expensive running shoes with those special soles made to make it feel like you’re running on fancy little angel clouds. I’m pretty sure I bought the entire line up of Nike Pros. But that was probably more because the shorts are insanely comfy than my desire to begin running as a hobby.
But the truth of the matter is… I hate running. Not because it wasn’t therapeutic, because it was, at least until the pain kicked in. My knees definitely do NOT like running.
All the Nike Pros, running gear and comfy cloud shoes wouldn’t make me love running.
What I’m saying is that a lot of the time we chase things, sometimes literally chasing, imagining what it will be like once we get it, and then realize that it’s not as exciting as we imagined it would be.
One of my favorite teachers once told me that life is worth the effort you put into it.
Well, this isn’t any different.
I’m from a tiny town in the middle of nowhere.
You know the type, the one that everyone is dying to leave, but then somehow end up coming back after years and years of searching for happiness in places anywhere but there.
There are too many songs about getting away from the small town that feels like being trapped in a box. So, it can’t be just me.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe Build Up
The start of a relationship is all about a sea of emotions flooding over us causing us to imagine what could be on the most positive scale. For most women, the promise of a knight in shining armor. For men, I assume that there’s some similar version of a perfect life, like models who serves hot wings and beers in a bikini.
It can be overwhelming, thinking that you could possibly have something that you want that you’ve imagined an unlikely perfect future.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizRight?
I mean when you first meet a guy, he is putting his “best” foot forward. By best I mean the foot he thinks you want to take home, the perfect fit for you. And you start thinking of what it would be like to live happily ever after with them. Don’t feel bad. It happens to everyone. For some people, it starts before words are even exchanged.
Every single person that has ever felt love on any scale has this little voice in their head that tells them that there is a happy ending somewhere in the future for them.
It comes from endless fairy tales, Hallmark movies, and reality shows feeding everyone hope.
The thing is, movies, shows, and stories have happy ENDINGS that aren’t really endings at all. They never tell what happens after the guy gets the girl, or the girl gets the guy, or they get married and happily ever after.
I think happily ever after is more like a pipe dream.
Building happy lives takes a lot of work and it doesn’t come easy.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhy Do Guys Get Bored?
Once couples fall into a comfortable pattern, it is not unusual for it to feel like something is missing from their lives. This can be spontaneity, passion, excitement, or a number of other things.
Everyone has dated that guy. Heck, I’ve dated that guy, more times than I care to admit.
There were tell-tale signs I suppose.
I mean, one of them got bored with his car, so he sold and bought a new one in one day. Then a few months later, he got bored with our relationship, so he ended things with me and picked up a new relationship less than a few weeks later.
So what causes this feeling?
The gravity of the relationship too overwhelming
It’s true, some men just can’t handle the seriousness of a relationship. All the want is the perks and none of the responsibilities.
Sometimes that seriousness sneaks up on a person without them even noticing. They get what they want, what they worked to get, and then they sink into a kind of comfortable rhythm without noticing.
Like when you begin to dance with someone new and without even noticing you fall into a comfortable rhythm. Like Cinderella, he suddenly realizes how much time has passed and panics at the possibility of turning into a pumpkin… or however that story went.
Basically, he suddenly has the epiphany that he could get hurt or in his mind even worse, could end up never being with another woman. I know hearing that from this side of things is not easy to think about. But most men imagine that they will get to go through many women before they find one that overshadows them all.
Don’t feel bad, there is a percentage of men that have evolved past that way of thinking. Don’t lose hope just yet. He could still evolve in time.
There’s another thing that might get overwhelming. If he pulled back and you latched on like one of those barnacles that attach themselves to the bottom of ships, then he’ll pull alway and distance himself permanently.
He isn’t sure if he deserves to be happy
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
Having conflicting desires can happen in anyone’s mind.
People get what they thought they wanted and they start to wonder whether they deserve it or to be happy at all. Then they start to wonder if it is really what they wanted at all.
He needs more excitement
Passionately happy and comfortable happy are too separate things.
Duh. Right?
A passionate kind of happy moves too quickly for anything to overwhelm or underwhelm. It’s like being swept away in a fast moving river. You don’t realize how far you’ve gotten until you find your footing.
Sometimes comfortably happy is less comfortable that it sounds.
Comfortable can be really scary, especially if you have spent your entire life watching couples fall apart. And let’s face it, these days relationships are falling apart worse than those Nutrigrain bars that crumble if you even think about picking them up.
Let’s Discuss Your Options
Well, I’ve got some bad news.
You aren’t going to make him feel any differently. If he isn’t ready for the seriousness of the relationship yet, then you aren’t going to be able to make him ready.
Just imagine if you were in his shoes. If you felt even slightly uncomfortable in a relationship, wouldn’t any kind of… hovering… make you MORE uncomfortable?
So, backing away is your best option, it’s really your only option if you don’t want him to flee even faster. You might as well, pull a Scar from Lion King.
Use the Distance To Your Benefit
Using No Contact to give him space to grow is key.
But don’t just sit and wait for him to miss you.
That would be a waste of time. Plus it would make it WAY too easy to pine over him and even cyber stalk him.
Be honest with me.
How many times have you checked your phone today?
How about his social media?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizI get it. The not knowing what’s going to happen gets to you.
Think of the emotions you are feeling as a bunch of cute little gremlins when they are harmless. There are lots of rules.
No bright light. Don’t get it wet. Don’t feed it after midnight.
Simple Right?
Do you remember what happens if you do these things?
That’s right!
They become uncontrollable, ugly monsters.
Your emotions work the exact same way.
You will be overwhelmed with the fear of the distance growing between you. And it will bother you until you give in. And once you feed that fear… it will grow beyond your control.
Why do you think so many men have “crazy exes”?
You don’t want to be one of those… right?
So here’s the goal. You want to try and spark his interest in you again.
Clearly, he found you irresistible at some point? Usually, at the beginning, the reason that guys are so drawn to a woman is because she as her own dreams that she is chasing, her own life that she is living.
It’s wrong, but a guy friend of mine explained it to me once as a “need to possess.”
He asked me what I thought guys liked so much about luxury sports cars.
I didn’t really know.
Basically, what it boils down to is that, in their mind, it is something that they can’t possibly possess. With women, they see them as out of their league. It becomes a challenge to try and possess them.
It made sense to me.
like I said earlier, I dated a guy who was super excited to buy his SUV when he got it. But, within a year, he was trading it in for a sporty sedan with all the after market add-ons he could get.
It was like he had the attention span of a hummingbird.
For those of you interested, that is about 3 seconds. I Googled it.
A goldfish is about 9 seconds.
Anyways, what I’m getting at, is that after a couple becomes a couple, they end up making compromises to merge their two lives into one, or at least make them fit together life puzzle pieces. Thes compromises tend to make them feel like they possess you somehow.
It’s not just guys that do this.
It happens on both sides of the relationship.
Heck, it even happens with phones.
Apple knows it.
Why do you think they release a new phone every year or so?
It’s not like they make huge changes. They just add a new color, make it hold more data, and slap something shiny on it and everyone lines up around the corner days before they release it.
All they are doing is reintroducing an old product with a few upgrades.
So why couldn’t you do the same thing with your ex?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizGirlfriend 2.0
Chris calls this tactic “Becoming the Ungettable Girl.” And, to be honest, it is probably the sole reason I agreed to come on at ExRecovery.
I truly believe in this part of the process more than anything else.
If I could I’d shout it from the rooftops but I’m pretty sure that would land me in some sort of therapy.
So, instead, I’ll just share it with you.
I know you are probably getting pep-talks from your gal pals and at least one of them has probably told you that you are too good for your ex. Well, whether they have or they haven’t yet, I agree with this statement partially.
Let me reword.
You have potential.
Ouch.
That sounds like I’m saying you aren’t too good for your ex.
Why would I do that?
Well…
I want you to prove me wrong.
List me three things about you that make you too good for your ex. (Go on. I’ll wait.)
1.
2.
3.
Did you have a hard time thinking of three?
Okay, now tell me why you deserve to have him back?
1.
2.
3.
Those are hard questions to answer, right?
It’s not easy to think of good things about yourself when someone has made you feel like you aren’t worthy.
What If I told you that all you have to do during no contact is learn how to change the way you see yourself?
You would believe me, would you?
It’s okay. If I were in your place right now, I probably would be a little skeptical too.
But, I want to link you to an article I wrote a while back that covers this part of the process with all the detail you need to become not just “good enough,” but “better than” in your own mind.
Why be good when you can be better?
Why be better when you can be the best?
Marissa
December 4, 2019 at 8:05 am
Hi my history is a little bit longer but I’ll resume everything. My boyfriend and I were together for almost 2 years. Dec 25 of this year would be our 2 year anniversary. He broke up with me on November 9 of 2019. Before that we were having bad arguments and we decided to no see each other after 3 weeks, we were txting and talking during 2 weeks but sometimes he was so different with me. No I love you, no Snapchats no good mornings. I was feeling so bad because he wasent like that. He started to use Snapchat more and I asked him who’s te you texting I can see you are using Snapchat because your score number is going up, he said with fiends and he got mad. He had all my pictures and social media and didn’t have any female girl on social media. I told him to see each other 2 weeks later he said I told you to wait 3 weeks and you not letting… I told him I miss you and I want to get things done, he said ok. We saw each other on nov 9 and he said “ is always the same, I don’t feel like being in the relationship, you want everything on your wait, you don’t give me time and things like that. He decided to end the relationship. I was so confused because he was the one who always told me to get marry and things like that. He gave me a promise ring in March of this year. Our relationship was formal, out families know each other and we have a god son. I don’t what to do! He had blocked me from his phone and Instagram… it’s been 3 weeks and he haven’t call me or anything… he’s following girls now in social media and even his ex girlfriend.
Im scared he’s still in love with her or he forgot about me already
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 6, 2019 at 8:56 pm
Hey Marissa, so no he isnt going to have forgotten about you already, thats not possible. He is however sounding like he is trying to distract himself form his emotions. So that is not a negative thing either because there is only so much distracting one can do before your emotions get the better of you. Go into a No Contact and work on yourself for some time and then from there you can reach out as a friend and build up your connection again
Melanny
November 2, 2019 at 5:54 am
My boyfriend just broke up with me a few days ago after being together for 3 years. He said he lost feelings for me. It was very sudden and I had no idea that he wasn’t feeling the same, our relationship felt normal. I became suspicious of a girl he had been hanging out with a few weeks ago and I think this pushed him away from me and closer to her. We were very close and had been through a lot of hard life changes together. He wants to be friends with me but I just want him back. He messaged me today and attempted to speak casually to me. Do I have a chance with him or does he simply want to be friends? Should I even bother if there might be another girl he is interested in?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 2, 2019 at 10:37 pm
Hi Melanny, so have you done a NC yet? If not then do a 30 day NC before replying to him. 1 – don’t be friends too soon because you need time to miss each other. 2 – it gives you time to work on yourself to cultivate a different image and show him he is wrong on what ever reason he ended things with you. 3 – the fact he is wanting to talk to you is good and it does give you a chance to follow the program and reattract him through texting and moving up the value chain gradually to get him wanting you back
Brittan
January 1, 2019 at 9:39 pm
Hi,
My ex boyfriend and I broke up three weeks ago and I finally moved out a few days ago. When we said bye, we hugged, kissed and said I love you. Of course this made it a little bit harder on us. Before moving out, I was sure to let him have his space as much as we were able to. I didn’t pester him, push him into conversations, or beg for him back. Now that I am out, I am starting the no contact rule. The only problem is, we have a shared dog that is currently still with him. Of course he said I can come see him when I want. I am watching the dog when he leaves for a work trip in the 21st.
Before he break up, we were going through some rough times and had been for the past 8 months. I ended up injured after a ski trip and had surgery twice. This really cause tension between us as I was demanding and he had to pick up more slack than usual. After I was back on my feet, I was still being demanding as I was so used to it after those few months. We had a few big fights, but never broke up. I forgot his birthday in November and never made up for it until it was too late. I feel awful and wish there was something I could do. I know that was a big thing to him as a friend told me what he was saying. He said I just want her to be nice, I’m not hard to please and that it all started when I got hurt.
Do you think there is a chance of reconciliation? We are civil with each other and can still make each other laugh. I know he is angry and hurt, but he is also stubborn. I did ask a few weeks ago if there was a chance we’d get back together and he said I don’t know right now. I love him a lot of course and hope there is a chance.
He comes back the 26th from his trip and o was planning to do a little surprise for him to make up for his birthday but also to celebrate an accomplishment at work. Do you think this would be a terrible idea?
Chris Seiter
January 2, 2019 at 5:38 am
Hi Brittan…always a chance. But your chances are better if you have a plan and if you are following a sensible blueprint.
Ada abanum
March 15, 2018 at 6:37 pm
HHow can I become the unforgettable girl and looked different from the girl he dated, how can I interject fun into my relationship and make my boyfriend amazing ,how can I upgrade my courtship
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 16, 2018 at 2:50 pm
Hi Ada,
Check this one:
The Ungettable Girl
Vivian
June 4, 2017 at 9:40 pm
I have a question – my ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago. He started contacting me again about a week after the breakup, just asking me questions about my life. I answer briefly, but never initiate conversation with him. (I asked to stay friends and was fairly emotionally stable so I answered his messages, but just never initiated any.) Since our breakup, he’s asked me to go to an event with him (which I did, and it was nice, but nothing of importance happened).
He’s since casually suggested I go to a convention with him, and not only that, but to room together. I want to get back with him, but I’m not sure if this is the best course of action. The thing that stands out about this is that one of our minor disagreements while we were dating is that he went on a massive trip with his friends (and many of their SOs) and was looking for people to room with, but didn’t invite me because “he wasn’t sure what would happen before the trip”. Now, even after he’s broken up with me, he is explicitly doing exactly what he avoided before.
Some of my friends have said they don’t think I should go. My best friend thinks I should. Some others have said, “You should go if you’d want to go to the convention regardless,” and I do. What should I do? In the end, I just want results. Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 7, 2017 at 3:05 pm
if you want to go, go but dont share a room with him..
Tash
May 19, 2017 at 1:02 pm
Mine is such a long story, going to cut it short. Me and my ex boyfriend broke up in September after 8 years. As I already said before, it was because of his parents not accepting for marriage as I spoke about our culture before. He blocked me, I lost my dignity. Tried no contact many times and failed however in January, I succeeded and in Feb he suggested we meet up for dinner. I had lost a lot of weight, I looked nice, you could tell he was blown away. He told me how depressed he was. He kissed me and We’ve been sleeping together, it’s like how it used to be, we will meet up once a week and go for dinner, like how date night used to. Anyway yesterday I told him I loved him and then he just said ok. And hugged me but because I’m on my time of the month, my mood is so bad, I just kept crying, couldn’t control my tears and then he says I love you too, I promise. He said he wasn’t lying. Then I asked him two hours later did he mean it. He goes he has loved me and will always love me but let’s not complicate things. I feel like I’ve made things worse. Anyway he was showing me something on his phone and this girl popped up, I don’t know if it’s a friend and etc but I didn’t say anything, just in case however can you please give me some advice in what to do. I don’t know if he’s speaking to someone new now or what. I can feel he loves me but I don’t know what to do.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 19, 2017 at 10:58 pm
If you’re not officially together, that means your friends with benefits.. he’s already getting what he wants, why would he go back to the hassles of a committed relationship? If you really love yourself, don’t invest too much on someone who’s not willing to do the same for you.. I’m going to be honest.. Let’s say he has feelings for you, then don’t be easy. Make him work for you.. He has to prove his feelings for you because you’re an ungettable girl right? Have a serious talk. Say what you feel and then tell him what you want and tell him what you cant let on happening, which is sleeping with him and tell him why.. Value yourself because what you allow is what you will get.
Jane
May 15, 2017 at 1:51 am
I don’t know what to do to gain my ex back. He broke up with me almost 5 months ago (he said we needed a rest and he was right: I have became clingy and negative). After a difficult time and my decision to go NC, things were getting better. He said that he was in another page but wanted to remain friends. He started to text first again (before NC he almost ignored me), once a week, just funny memes and things like that, short conversations sometimes. But now he is getting cold again. For certain things that happened before NC, long to explain, and this step back now, when he was feeling more confortable with me, I have reasons to believe that he is pushing himself back when he starts to be closer to me again. He even left my texts unread (never had done that, even when he was ignoring me before NC, he read), just like he didn’t want to fall in the “temptation”. We were in a distance relationship and I know that I was an exception because he had a bad experience with that; he told me that, since then, whenever he felt like falling for a person from another city, he convinced himself that it mustn’t be. I am afraid that he is doing this with me now. He wants to remain friends but when he feels closer to me, he gets distant again. As a matter of fact, in the first weeks after the breakup, we were being better, talking about going step by step and see what happened, until he saw me in a group video-call with our common friends. After that he started to be cold to me and avoided all the video-calls which we had in the group since then (like ten or twelve). He never texted first like he used to do and if I did, he barely answer, a few words without any nterest. So I decided to go NC. After those weeks and having talked about our new phase he started to text first and sending me things because they reminded him to me and now he seems to be scared again, not reading my last text (he left unread one last week but a few days after he sent me something because he thought about me when he read it and was friendly and kind like this last times after NC).
I am very sad and nervous and if he really feels something and is only convincing himself that he shouldn’t (like he did before with another girls, but without having a relationship like we had)… I would need to know how to break his barriers because I don’t want to be without him knowing that we could work. I’ve made my mistakes and we really needed that break but I think that we could restart again. But he seems to be holding himself back, I know him and he is stubborn and he may be trying to be consistent with his decision. If he really felt he is done, he would ignore me always (and not texting first) or, more likely to him, treat me like another person, not doing this. One day he brings up a memory, we talk a little just as friends and then he gets “scared” and stops reading me… And same with my social newworks: he started to watch my stories again after NC and these days don’t, like he was avoiding to see me.
I feel something is wrong… I would really like to know how to make him feel comfortable for good and willing to give us a try one more time. (I would ask him directly for another chance but it wouldn’t work, it must be his idea). I miss him, I think that time isn’t my best allied (on the contrary), I am afraid that he could met someone else, that he have forgotten me… Anything I can do?
Jane
May 19, 2017 at 9:12 pm
Thank you very much Amor, I think that this is a god idea. I hope it works, with time… Thank you again
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 19, 2017 at 11:10 pm
You’re welcome! I hope it works too
Jane
May 18, 2017 at 10:03 pm
Yes… I have been thinking and I have realised something: he got more attached to me when we start dating not only because the things he liked about me, but also because I made him feel loved and supported. For his past, it is very important to him to feel “special” for someone (well, we all like but he gets closer when he feels it and always told me how loved I made them feel and how happy I made him). For him it is very important when somebody give him things that doesn’t give to almost anybody else. For example, I am kind but a little cold and introvert with people and he really appreciated how open and warm I became with him when we started to know each other more. So, I need to make him feel special again but my problem is that with our actual relationship it is very difficult to make him feel special without crossing the line. The last thing I want to to is forcing the things. Any idea about how can I make him feel special without being cheesy and obvious? Thank you A LOT, I really appreciate your time and advice
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 19, 2017 at 7:33 pm
try to give advice about things that he needs helps, when you can or ask for advice.. that makes a person feel important.
Jane
May 16, 2017 at 8:58 pm
Wow, that’s a very good point. I need to conquer him again, just like a stranger… The problem is that…I dont really know how I got him in the first place. I need to think and…I will try. I miss him a lot and I am terrified if not gaining him back… Time passes by, he could met another one… Too many things scare me. But I need to do this, I don’t know where to find the strenght but… I need this
Thank you very much Amor
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 18, 2017 at 6:25 pm
that’s your edge..you already know what he likes and doesn’t like..maybe not all, but at least some.. you’re welcome!
Jane
May 15, 2017 at 4:53 pm
Thanks Amor. Yes, I guess that’s right but…if he is over me, I don’t know what to do to make him miss me, it feels impossible and if the time passes is always worst… Of course I can’t let him guess that I want him back but I really do and I don’t know what to do to give him back what I gave him once, that illusion, that fun… It was so easy when we met, and now…
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 16, 2017 at 5:14 pm
if he’s moved on, it’s more of getting him interested because he would be like a stranger right? A stranger wouldn’t miss you. If you like a stranger, what value are you bringing in the table that would make a person want to get to know you more?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 15, 2017 at 4:13 pm
if he’s done, he wouldn’t want to sense that you’re trying to get him back.. he would only be interested if he sees you’re just being friendly because you’ve moved on, and that you kept improving and that you have your own life.. when it’s only fun conversations with you and yet, you’re not always available
Mayako
May 14, 2017 at 9:15 pm
Okay so hi!
I was the girl that posted on a other article that I was moving on and never wanted to contact him again.
Well, 3 days after that my ex called me and asked me for his TV (which is at my house) and wants him back. I was kinda cold and short on word, because I am really done. I said he could pick it up this week. He then said: “No I’ll pick it up in a month or two.” I was like: “No, pick it up, or I’m gonna sell it. I don’t need it anymore.” But he kept pushing to pick it up in a month or two and he will text me when he will come. I gave up, because this guy is REALLY stubborn (that is why I think gettin him back didn’t work)
Anyway, this only motivates me more to work out and be beautiful and sexy, just so when he picks up his TV, I open the door and look amazing as all h*ll. But my question is: He’s 100% down with the relationship, 100% outta love, 100% over me, why does he want to pick his TV up in two months? Is this some way to still be in contact with me? :/
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 15, 2017 at 3:29 pm
let’s say he really is over you, then that just means he just wants the tv..and maybe that’s his only available time or he thinks at that time you have started to move on and it won’t be awkward for you to meet
Rachel
May 14, 2017 at 2:05 pm
Broke up with my bf on 18th april, he told me that he couldn’t put in anymore effort into this relationship and that he was unhappy.
He is 23 and I’m 22.
I know I used to be very controlling and clingy, but I’ve started to change ever since I moved back home. (About 3 weeks before we broke up)
I have been staying at his house ever since the start of our relationship of 3 years.
But ever since I moved back, he just doesn’t seem to find me anymore and I’m always the one initiating contact.
He told me that he wanted to ‘go all out’ at going out with his friends.
Plus he just got out of National service..
So basically he’s at another phase of life whereby he needs to start looking for a job.
I’ve tried going NC but I failed a few times.. I begged for him to come back which didn’t work.
I told him I’ve changed but he’s still firm on his decision.
He didn’t want the relationship anymore and he have been keeping himself occupied Everyday.
Going out with friends and enjoying life.
He still have feelings for me but he did not initiate any contact at all.
I wanted to meet up with him to pass him his house keys but he kept using the ‘I’m going out later’ excuse.
I know I should probably restart my NC period..
I’m not sure if I’m delusional, but I think that he’s confused.
It’s both our first relationship.
I really need some advice.. cause I know I messed up a few times and even begged him to stay.
Not sure if it means anything but he even told me not to think so much, when I was crying and talking to him about our relationship.
I thought he left me because he’s interested in someone else.
He didn’t change his Facebook password too, and when I asked him why, he told me that he has nothing to hide..
It’s so confusing..
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 14, 2017 at 4:57 pm
check this one:
You Desperately Begged For Him Back And Failed… I’m Here To Fix That