I can’t tell you how many times a woman, who clearly wants her ex back, freaks out with excitement upon learning that her ex boyfriend wants to sleep with her,
Chris, he just told me that he wants to sleep with me… should I do it? I feel like I want to do it.
But should you?
Is there a right or wrong answer?
I have been doing this for over half a decade and I can tell you without a doubt that there is a right answer on if you should sleep with your ex boyfriend.
But what is it?
Well, that is what this article is all about.
What I would like to do is use all of my data and experience to help you make an informed decision on if you should even consider sleeping with your ex.
Of course, if you have never met me before then you are probably sitting there and wondering,
Why should I even listen to you?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHow My Data And Experience Can Help You Make An Informed Decision
Hi, my name is Chris Seiter,
That picture looks kind of fake, doesn’t it?
I am not going to lie it is probably the most bada$$ picture I have ever taken in my life and I had to pay professional photographers to get it (on my wedding.) The truth is that I wished I looked like that every day.
Nope, most days I look like this,
Ok, all kidding aside the reason you should listen to me other than the fact that I have a pretty awesome baby is I probably have more data on breakups than most of the other experts out there.
To date my websites have received over 20 million hits from men and women trying to get their exes back. I have coached thousands of those men and women to success (meaning they got their exes back.)
But most importantly I am in the trenches daily and I have dealt with this exact situation of exes sleeping together more times than I can count.
So, what does my experience and data around this topic say?
What I Have Learned From Coaching Women Who Have Wanted To Sleep With Their Ex
Usually the scenario plays out like this.
“A breakup occurs leaving the woman desperate to get her ex back. In that desperation the woman talks to her friends who immediately tell her to move on. So she tries but ultimately can’t get his warm touch out of her head. She decides that she can’t count on her friends anymore and decides to go to the one place where she knows there is help,
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe Internet!!!!
After poking around on there for a few hours she stumbles across Ex Boyfriend Recovery. Immediately upon finding this site angels come down from the heavens,
Water turns into wine,
I think you get the picture!
So, she comes to Ex Boyfriend Recovery and reads the amazing content and something clicks within her mind. She decides to implement strategies like The No Contact Rule and Moving on Without Moving On.
Luckily, after some time she starts seeing some success and builds some real rapport with her ex.
It’s exciting to her but then it gets even more exciting when her ex suggests that they should sleep together.”
Does this sound familiar?
Now, in my experience a lot of women do end up sleeping with their exes and I think that is made clear from a scientific poll conducted by The Associated Press where they queried men and women on if they have ever slept with an ex,
You can see there that 32% of people admitted to sleeping with an ex after a breakup.
But you have to consider the state of mind of those people isn’t exactly the same as yours.
You see, they are talking about exes in general.
By the time many of these people were quizzed they could have been completely over their breakup whereas you probably aren’t. Therefore, people with your state of mind are probably more likely to say yes.
And I can actually understand why so many women do it if they want their exes back.
They are thinking that if they sleep with their ex that he is going to get drawn in and eventually commit.
But does he?
Are Men Likely To Commit After Sex With An Ex?
This is what it all really boils down to, right?
I mean, you are probably not considering sleeping with your ex just because, right?
(No judging if you are.)
It’s really funny but men and women have very different views on sex.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizYou see, I have always been of the belief that men are far more prone to casual sex than women. In other words, most men prefer sex without commitment.
And I have to say that my work with women through Ex Boyfriend Recovery has definitely backed this up.
I find that more often than not women who are wanting their exes back have this strong belief that if they have sex with their ex he is going to commit to her. They think it’ll be the final thing that pushes him over the edge.
But they aren’t looking at things with a broad view.
Instead, women can get stuck in their own paradigm.
In the last 11 minutes I ran a quick poll over on our Private Facebook Group where I asked women who takes sex more seriously in a relationship. Basically I was trying to get to the bottom of who they thought attaches more value to sex, men or women.
(It’s pretty cool to see how responsive our little community is.)
Even though it is super early and there are still more votes that are going to come in here were the results,
Pretty strongly in favor of women, wouldn’t you say?
In other words, the women in the private support group believe that they take sex more seriously than men and that makes total sense. It explains why so many women believe that sleeping with an ex is the right call.
Because in their mind they attach this amazing value to it.
To “making love.”
But they forget that men view sex in a different way.
There was a famous study done in 1989 where researcher trained men and women to go up to a member of the opposite sex and ask them a simple question,
If you had the opportunity right now would you have sex with me?
They found that 70% of the men that were asked this question by a woman said yes and not even a single woman who was approached by a man and asked this question said yes.
This just goes to highlight how men don’t necessarily attach the same value to sex that you do.
It also goes to explain why I have never seen an immediate commitment from a man after sex.
Here Is What Usually Happens If A Woman Sleeps With Her Ex
I have been lucky enough to have a lot of personal experience in helping women with this situation.
And the data I have seen points in one clear direction.
The vast majority of women who sleep with their ex do not get a commitment out of it. Instead, they put themselves in a worse position and often times can get so emotional that they ruin any progress they have of getting their ex back.
Here are the two things that I see unfolding that happens a lot after a woman sleeps with her ex.
- The ex doesn’t call her back after the act
- The ex tries to set up a friends with benefits situation
I’d like to talk a little about each of these outcomes so you can gain some insight into what is going on in his head to have him act this way.
Why Won’t An Ex Call You Back After Sex?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizUsually when I am faced with questions like these I like to put myself in an exes position and ask myself,
“What would have to happen in order for me to act this way? What would I be thinking?”
This way I can give honest accurate feedback.
So, I am going to do that for you here.
If I slept with an ex and didn’t call her immediately afterwards I might be doing it for two reasons.
Reason #1 = I don’t want to be the one to call first.
Usually men can be pretty stubborn and they don’t want to seem like they are over obsessing.
Now, I will say that out of all the outcomes this is maybe the most positive and also the least likely.
The second reason is unfortunately the most likely,
Reason #2: I got what I want already
One thing that you will learn about my teachings here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is the fact that I am of the belief that a lot of men fall in love with the chase.
They love the build up.
One of my best friends growing up put it best,
“The chase is the most exciting part. Everything else gets boring after that.”
Now, what do you think he was referring to when he talks about “chase?”
Well, he was actually referring to sex.
And if you just slept with your ex then he already has what he wants.
There is no more chase.
Why Would An Ex Try To Set Up A Friends With Benefits Situation After Sex?
Now, I don’t want to scare you but this is probably the most common outcome that I see happen from women who are having sex with an ex.
You see, the only thing greater than “the chase” for men is a consistent partner to have sex with.
One thing we already know about my sorry gender is the fact that men are much more open to casual sex than women.
In fact, I find that most exes would prefer it.
But why?
Shouldn’t having sex with a partner who you are in a loving committed relationship with be more powerful?
Well, in theory it should but that theory is a little flawed in the fact that it doesn’t take into account men who are freaked out about commitment.
You see, to a commitment-phobe a loving committed relationship can feel like a prison.
Friends with benefits is almost preferred in cases like that.
Now, I can hear you saying,
But Chris, my ex isn’t a commitment phobe?
I would actually disagree.
Your ex is a commitment phobe to YOU!
He is your ex and he is going to look for any excuse to not date you again.
That is what makes getting him back so challenging.
Should You Ever Sleep With Your Ex?
The answer to this question is pretty simple,
You should not sleep with your ex
But what if you already did?
What are you supposed to do then?
Well, I want you to get one principle through your head.
I cited a study from 1989 above that basically proves that men are the ultimately horn dogs and love casual sex.
But that study itself was flawed.
How?
Well, it asked women to randomly go up strangers (who were men) and ask them if they would have sex with them.
70% of the men said yes.
But the mere act of having a woman do that is an indication to a man that she is “easy.”
Men will have sex with “easy” but they won’t value “easy.”
Think of it like this.
You don’t truly start appreciating something until you see first hand how hard it is to achieve. In fact, it’s the easy things we take for granted.
Sex is the same.
If you make a man work for it or for you he is more likely to value it or you.
The more you can get a man to invest into you the more he is going to value you so it’s simply a function of making sure you get your ex to jump through enough hoops to value you.
Oh, and don’t sleep with him until you have a commitment from him 😉 .
Susan
June 9, 2023 at 11:12 am
Hello,
My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago.. ( we broke up already once for the same reason) the reason is because i was jealous about his females friends and i made all feel uncomfortable multipletimes. Since the break up we still sleep together, he told me also that if he did not have feelings for me, he would not do that..he still wears my bracelent i gave him. I want him back but he says that he does not want any relationship right now. I´m trying to work on my mistakes and change my behavior. I did not feel comfortable with my behavior as well, that is why i decided to fix it. I did not do no contact. Maximum for 2 weeks in the begining. Sometimes he writes me, sometimes i write him. How can i make him come back .. and is there still any chance he would?
Susan
Coach Shaunna
November 12, 2023 at 6:26 am
Hi Susan, so you need to NC him because you have fallen into a friends with benefits situation where he comes to you for sex when he feels like it. He may have some feelings for you but he is not going to give you a relationship when he is able to get sex and still have his freedom.
Annie
August 8, 2021 at 7:53 am
Hi Chris!
I waited 4 months before he would finally start answering my texts again and all he wanted was to see if he could get sex. I didn’t give it to him. Instead I asked when he was going to take me to dinner in this restaurant he had originally promised to take me to shortly after our break up. I got no response. So I’m not sure where I go from here. I want him back so badly but on my terms not his. I never tried no contact because I was scared of loosing him. I know he’s been dating and sleeping with a lot of other girls since we ended. He seems reluctant to get into another relationship. So does this mean I have zero chance of getting him back?
Annie xx
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 28, 2021 at 9:08 pm
Hey Annie, so the one thing that is good about him dating around is that you know he hasn’t found anyone who got his full attention, so during this time you need to work on being the one girl that he finds “Ungettable” be your best version of yourself, and stick with the program. Do not give him any intimacy or boyfriend privileges while outside of the relationship.
Bryony
May 8, 2019 at 10:34 am
Hi! My ex and I broke up in February just before we were about to buy a house together. He said the spark had gone and it wasn’t right. I have had two periods of NC with me initiating this and also ending it. Over the last weekend I invited him over and we had wine and a good catch up- I ended up sleeping with him which I know was a big mistake. He came over again two nights later and no sex. It is also me initiating contact most times. It’s obvious he’s still interested but I don’t think he will commit right now and is unsure. How do I take control back over the situation?
gio
March 27, 2019 at 2:51 pm
hey chris! me and my ex been talking for almost 2 months now and he’s always approaching me and recently we’ve talked about what went wrong in our relationship. but after he hays sorry and apologizing to me, he asked me for sex, is he
Chris Seiter
March 27, 2019 at 9:26 pm
Hi Gio! So it sounds like you want to take things slower and if he really cares for you, he should be able to support that approach. If he becomes unreasonable and pulls back, then that speaks for itself.
Is this the end?
November 18, 2018 at 10:45 pm
Well refusing to continue to sleep with him worked. He just talked to me today and said he wants to be my boyfriend again. He wants me in his life and he wants a committed relationship. Thank you Chris
Chris Seiter
November 20, 2018 at 1:41 am
Great job…looks like the personal power balance is back where it should be.
Is this the end?
November 18, 2018 at 2:27 pm
Hello Chris, so I have read your articles and bought and read ex boyfriend recovery pro and a few of your other books. I was able to get my ex back but due to past baggage from us both but we ended things again. Both times I have made the mistake of sleeping with him after we broke up. I ended that. I was also blamed for a lot of things I didn’t do. I did my best to fix everything he complained about. 99% of the arguments were because he was sleeping with other girls and wanted to continue to sleep with me. All while we were not together. When we were in a relationship he was faithful. I told him it wasn’t going to happen any more. He begged me to have one last night with him. He said after all of the arguments and everything he wanted to end on a happy memory. That it was always different with me. He found peace and comfort with me that he didnt find with anyone else. So he wanted one last night of that. Just us two and no drama and he would leave me alone and become invisible to me as best as he could.
I don’t want that. I want to be with him but I refused to have one last night. He came over and begged for it and I still found the strength to refuse. I told him I wanted more and I wont settle for just sex. He got upset and swore I didn’t love him. I ignored it and let him throw his temper tantrum. That was 3 days ago and I haven’t heard from him since. Now I’m not sure if I should just let him go or what to do! I love him with all my heart. He says he loves me but we did have drama. He is 38 and I am 29. There were some people messing with his house and messaging the girls he slept with, because i live down the street one of his friends blamed me. The truth finally came out that it wasn’t me but the damage to our relationship had already been done.
Chris Seiter
November 18, 2018 at 7:26 pm
Hi there!
You should be proud of yourself for sticking to your guns. He was being selfish and perhaps showed you his truest of colors.
Stephanie
October 31, 2018 at 3:49 pm
Hi,
So my ex and I were together for almost 6 years and have 2 children together. He has also raised my son from a previous relationship since he was 18 months old. He is now 7. We have recently broken up and he stated that he had lost some feelings for me. I changed my behavior and started improving what I was doing wrong in the relationship but it didn’t work. His feelings would come back but then he would get distant. What can I do to potentially win him back?
Chris Seiter
November 1, 2018 at 2:58 am
Hi Stephanie!
I do think one’s chances are usually better if they a have been together for a good spell. 6 years spells traction. So I think there is upside potential, but its best to have a plan. My website has a lot of resources and tools that should help you out!
Yesi
September 2, 2018 at 6:03 am
After 5 years of being broken up, my ex who is now married for 3.5 years and has a kid wants to have sex with me. I’m in a long term relationship with two kids. He is my one regret. Part of me wants to sleep with him even knowing all the baggage and risk. I know nothing serious can come from it, but I can’t shake off wanting to cross that line.
Steph
March 13, 2018 at 8:34 pm
My ex and I dated for 5 years, we lived together and had a cat (which I kept in the breakup). We failed at NC for 3 months when we sporadically talked or saw each other that always ended poorly- fighting, crying, yelling, all that stuff but still ended up in sex. Cause why wouldn’t it? After a particularly bad fight (bad for him, he was super angry and saying mean things while I kept my cool) we then went for over 3 weeks with no contact. He reached out to me first, we got together, had a mature and productive conversation about our relationship and break-up for the first time in what seemed like forever. I seem to be in a better place than him because although I’m still the one who hopes we will work things out, I am much more positive about things and seem much more healed- which he says is his reasoning for not wanting to get back together. He did not want to have sex, when I asked him he actually said no, but we did end up sleeping together because I wanted to (you can’t blame a girl). I was not trying to get him to commit or feel something by sleeping with him, and I truly believe he wants to work things out but feels he can’t do that right now because he is still upset about how things were with us. Have I completely screwed up? Am I setting myself up for disaster here?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 15, 2018 at 1:50 pm
Hi Steph,
It’s not a good starting point because you’re positioning yourself to be his friend with benefits
Loui
February 28, 2018 at 6:28 pm
So i wonder what an actual commitment is? I did the NC 2-3 months after our break-up and then i took the first contact. Ever since he has been wild after me. We met the first time after some rapport was build and he tried to kiss me. I rejected and he broke into tears saying he miss me and wants me back. I thought it was just it, went home, but the day after he called and apologized for his behavior but he really misses me and really wants me back – then he asked if he was ever going to see me again (i live about 2 hours from him, but my parents live in same city as he does). So i said yes and met him again. How should i handle this situation?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 1, 2018 at 11:46 am
Hi louise,
Commitment means you’re officially back together.. Let him go your town, and meet outside and make it short..
Karen
October 29, 2017 at 10:48 pm
So my ex and I started having sex every week after we broke up, I just started NC, I’m pretty sure he’ll text me this week like any other week. Last week We got into an argument and he said he wanted to talk, he acted super sweet and said he loved me, and he doesn’t wanna lose me but still is not an official relationship, you think I still have chances to get him back?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 1, 2017 at 2:10 pm
Hi Karen,
It will depend on your actions during and after nc but don’t sleep with again if you’re not back together
Mara
June 21, 2017 at 8:47 pm
Hi Chris,
I was with one guy for a month and a half and we were friends with benefits, he was extremely jelous and all thought I am having sex with other guys and no matter what I said, he still believed it. I slept with him the first night and spend the night with him and morning and also an afternoon so I’ve thought that he likes me. He is very easy going and told me that I can’t ask him to define things so early, he was sending so many mixed signals and told me he likes me but then he would told me that he doesn’t like me that way and that he is never gonna be in a relationship with me. He texts me every day. He was hugging me when we went to sleep and that was after the “I don’t wanna relationship” talk which was pretty bizare to me.
I ended things with him yesterday, told him I want more. He didn’t reply. I broke up with him three times before and he was very upset every time and told me that is always some drama with me and even if he would like me that way, that he couldn’t be with someone who makes such drama.
I miss him, I am so sad. I know I shouldn’t sleep with him the first night but it happened, I am not that kind of a girl, just the opposite, but he probably thinks I am. I want him badly and now is over and I don’t know is it even possible to make fwb to want more and get back with me but not to the previous state. I want to get him back as a boyfriend. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 23, 2017 at 5:31 pm
HI Mara,
check this one:
EBR 006: How To Turn Friends With Benefits Into A Relationship
Annakate
May 22, 2017 at 2:22 pm
My ex never defined our relationship when we were together, and we had some good times together for 6 months, but then he just stopped seeing me, I never begged or anything, but I still want him and remembered the good memories. It’s been almost a year since I saw him the last time, just last week, he texted me all of the sudden, and started asking me all kinds weird questions, like if I have another lover, or if I slept with anyone else after him, then the last, he asked if I want to have sex with him again – just for fun…… I replied haha no, then he said ok, just a question and hope I don’t mind. That’s the end of our texts. I seriously don’t know what to do now, I cannot believe that one part of me still want him, and the rest of myself feel really insulted, what should I do now? Should I leave him for good or is there still a chance for me to earn his respect and get him back?
Thank you so much!
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 24, 2017 at 2:01 pm
he wanted to be friends with benefits.. were you friends with benefits before?
Kim
May 13, 2017 at 10:08 am
My boyfriend said we are not same level. Actually he is so brilliant and good at business. He said the last chance for me if I can richer than him. Before he suggested a lot of ideas to do business together but I didn’t cherish. We are in long distance relationship., he broke up with me because he said He gave me a lot af chance to live together in my country but I wasn’t seriously consider. I am trying to get my objectives of my life and wanna change my fate by myself. How to richer than him it’s difficult. Firstly I wanna change myself to be unforgettable girl. But sometimes I was worried and nervous, sometimes I wanna contact to ask his health status. Can you give some suggestions improve our relationship?
Kim
May 14, 2017 at 4:19 pm
Last week. Actually he gave me a lot of beautiful memories together, sometimes he was same as my teacher and always listen to me then gives me some advices. I respect him. When he wanna do something together he said I will be independent in finance and sometimes he said let he do all of things I just become a good mom for our children. But I was confused about get married and always think I wasn’t ready. Now, when I ready to get married,he leaves and want to focus on his business in another country. I wanna go with him. But actually my money not enough. So I think I have to try more all my best
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 14, 2017 at 5:12 pm
for me you should move on…An ungettable girl wouldn’t do what you’re thinking. Improve yourself for yourself. If a person says that to you, that you should get rich to get him, I’d run away. Relationships are founded by respect, if he broke up with you just because of finances, that’s not a good relationship..If he has the money and the skills then why didn’t he helped you instead? Why didn’t he teach you the skills? Why are you the only one wanting to see him? He has the money to see you, then why wouldn’t he compromise to see you?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 13, 2017 at 3:56 pm
if you can get richer than him? He sounds like he’s looking for a business partner,not a girlfriend..when was the last time you talked to him or tried to?