Today we’re going to be talking about what your ex wants.
Now let me ask you a simple question: does this sound familiar? You’re talking to your ex and he tells you “I’m not sure what I really want.”
Some of the other common things a man (or woman!) might say when they don’t know what they want:
- “It’s not about you”
- “I don’t know how I feel”
- “I’m just not sure what’s right for me now”
- “It’s not fair to go any further”
- “I need time”
- “My head’s all over the place”
- “I don’t know if this could work”
- “I’m not ready”
And so on…any of these sound familiar? They crop up with our clients time and time again!
Your ex could be referring to something as simple as the relationship between you and him, or just life in general. He’s constantly saying he isn’t sure what he wants. What do you do?
Well, that’s what this article is about.
Now, if you’re even considering getting back together with your ex, my biggest recommendation to you is to take my Ex Recovery Chances quiz. It’s a simple quiz to tell you what kind of chance you have of winning your ex back, so you know that you’re not wasting your time in this process.
The quiz is fast and free, so take it now:
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIf you do that and come back here, and are still wondering what he means when he says he isn’t sure what he wants... allow me to illuminate you.
What Is It That Your Ex Really Wants?
Steve Jobs once said:
A lot of times people don’t know what they want until you show it to them.
I want you to keep that in mind throughout this article. It’s the mantra and theme you should be living by.
My goal is to show you what we have found (through our years of research) attracts men in general.
So what are men ultimately attracted to? What do they want? What do they mean when they say they don’t know?
In all of our years of research, it boils down to one simple thing.
They Want The Ungettable Girl
Yes, that special girl, or woman, who combines beauty and brains, and is always seemingly somehow unattainable.
It’s simply the terminology we’ve adopted over the years, but rest assured this works for women, girls, boys, men…anyone.
This is the person that, regardless of anything else going on in their lives, regardless of how much they say they aren’t ready for anything right now, a man would work hard to be with.
The Ungettable Girl is that powerful.
The questions you have at this point are, what is the Ungettable Girl, and how do I become Ungettable?
Well, let’s tackle that!
How Do I Become Ungettable?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizUngettable can actually be a little difficult to define, because each specific man will have his own version of what the Ungettable Girl looks like. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all.
But here is the interesting thing we’ve found. Certain patterns develop between these unobtainable women, these women who can make men all of sudden interested.
Note that becoming the Ungettable Girl isn’t just designed to attract men, be it your ex or anyone else. That would make you shallow and ultimately boring, not Ungettable at all!
Being Ungettable is all about being the absolute best version of yourself possible, for yourself, which then makes you super attractive to others.
I am not suggesting that you bend over backwards to be what you think your ex or anyone else wants, because that pretence would not be much use in a long-term romantic relationship, which I assume is what you want.
However, you do have an advantage when working out what your ex’s version of the Ungettable Girl is. You’ve already spent time with him, after all. You know what made your time with him amazing, and what didn’t work, for both of you.
You attracted him and were with him for a certain period of time which suggests that you had some (or even many) of his Ungettable Girl qualities.
Being Ungettable is about being a well-rounded, interested and interesting person, the girl/woman who makes others feel good about themselves, loves life despite its trials, and projects a great vibe.
This is irresistible to your ex
You will also find old exes crawling out of the woodwork and new men showing their interest!
We see this time and time again in our success stories and with our Facebook group members (a community of over 3,000 people and part of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro package).
Now I’m going to tell you about four of the main patterns we’ve noticed that Ungettable Girls have.
There are way more than four qualities making up the Ungettable Girl, and I discuss the concept in more detail in PDF bonus you get when you join Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro, and in my upcoming book The Ungettable Girl, which will go into this in a huge amount of detail.
This concept of the Ungettable Girl is that important.
Ungettable Girl Quality 1 – The Book Versus The Cover
For years there has been the age-old debate of what matters to men – looks or personality.
So let me ask you a question. Let’s say you go into a bookstore and you buy a new book.
Problem is, you buy the book based on the attractiveness of the cover and the first impression it gives in a few words on the back.
You read it and you hate it.
So what is the ultimate thing that makes an impression on you when you buy and read a book? Is it the cover, or is it the whole book?
In my opinion, what matters more should be the whole book – the plot, the characters, the all of the stuff that allows you to connect with the story, enjoy it and remember it.
But interestingly enough, it’s not the ultimate way that you make your purchase decision. In an ideal world the book and the cover will be amazing, but how often do we live in an ideal world?
Personally ~I have found that there is no better analogy than this book versus cover idea to explain the dichotomy between looks versus personality.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizOftentimes women obsess about Ungettable Girls and look at beautiful models in magazines and Instagram. My response to them is, that girl is not Ungettable, she’s just pretty.
There’s more to being ungettable than just looks
So what you need to realise about men is yes, looks matter, but personality matters just as much.
Any woman whose looks turn heads will be able to get lots of men interested in her. But if her personality doesn’t match up, she’s going to find a lot of those men’s interest will fade away.
Women who make the mistake of thinking that their looks is all they need to get them the man they want often find themselves unhappy with their love lives.
And we’ve all met people who are stunning to look at, but can’t seem to keep a partner. You only have to look at some celebrities, who spend endless money on clothes, plastic surgery and so on – but can’t stay married for more than a year.
Don’t get me wrong. Looks are important to a man, and a big part of being the Ungettable Girl is looking your best. Working on your health, dressing to suit your figure and style, and having a general pride in your appearance, are things that men will notice.
But they are only the icing on the cake, the cover of the book. When he dives inside, what’s he going to find?
This is where you as an individual can shine. Your own unique interests, experiences, upbringing, opinions, education – the whole package that makes you YOU. (And not all of these facets have to be positive and perfect by the way – that’s what makes you a unique and fascinating person with more to talk about than your latest manicure.)
So, whether you’re heartbroken, desperate or just furious with your ex, turn that around and start to focus on yourself. This is something we recommend as part of the Ex Recovery Pro strategy, particularly while you are in No Contact.
Working on the three aspects of yourself that we call the Holy Trinity (health, wealth and relationships) will remind you of what an awesome human being you are.
It will give you time and space to discover (or rediscover) your interests, to focus on excelling in your career or job, to revive old friendships and strengthen existing ones.
Once you value yourself and understand your worth, your happiness and positive vibes will resonate with everyone around you, and this is very powerful when you are looking to attract the right man (be that your ex or someone else).
Ungettable Quality 2 – Stability Versus Mystery
Early on in the development of my business, I began to notice a really interesting trend developing among my clients. Those who were seemingly only stable but didn’t provide enough mystery or adventure to their exes, became boring.
On the other hand, those who were only adventurous or only mysterious but didn’t provide enough stability – also became boring.
Here’s the important thing you need to realise. This is kind of the yin and yang of being Ungettable.
Yes, you need to show your ex that you are stable – but you also need to retain a sense of mystery, adventure and excitement
How emotionally stable are you? Do you need constant reassurance? Are you always asking how much he loves you, if he’s serious, where things are going? If he doesn’t call for a few days, are you getting on with your life, or are you freaking out and choking his phone with messages? If he changes plans at the last minute, are you sure he’s going to break up with you, or do you shrug and go and do something fabulous without him? If you’re trying to get him back, do you contact him constantly and cry down the phone?
This goes back to the idea of the book versus the cover. You are not just there to look pretty and hang off his arm. If that’s all he wants from a woman, he’s probably not going to give you a satisfying, intimate and loving relationship (which I presume is what you want here).
So, you are your own woman. You have a life, however that may be structured – maybe you have loads of friends to hang out with, or maybe you can happily head off on your own for an adventure. It doesn’t matter.
What matters is that you are not reliant on him for your own happiness
Work on being in control of your own emotions and your own life.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThis being said, a man might say, “There just wasn’t enough chemistry there.” Oftentimes when they say chemistry, they’re talking about that mystery factor (and I don’t mean just sexual attraction).
How mysterious are you, how adventurous are you, how exciting are the experiences that you have together?
Have you told him everything about yourself, your family, friends, exes, pets, job etc. within the first few dates? Does he always know where you are and what you’re up to? Do you let him into the absolute minutiae of your daily life, before you are in a long-term committed relationship?
Remember what Albert Einstein once said:
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.
So don’t remove all the mystery that surrounds you.
He shouldn’t know, and doesn’t need to know, exactly what you’re up to. (And you, too, don’t need to track his every move.)
When you two do get together, you want to have something to talk about – your latest fantastic coup at work, your crazy night out with your girlfriends, your achievements at your basket-making class – whatever it is.
He might just wonder why he lost out to that Pilates class or mud run; why you prefer your own activities to going to a bar to watch the game with him.
So say you’re busy, sometimes – and be busy, getting on with the aspects of your life that don’t involve him. Even if you’re married, you should have these aspects to your life, so you should certainly have them while you are single or dating!
If you’re passionate about veganism, for example – he doesn’t need to get involved in your activism or your recipe planning. Heck, he doesn’t even need to approve, because you are not looking for his approval in everything.
You are the Ungettable Girl, with interests and facets to your personality that he may never manage to unravel. This is really the kernel of Ungettable – he never quite gets to see and know absolutely everything.
Men like a challenge. Most of us like a challenge! So give him a package that he can continue to unwrap, a book that really makes him think.
Now back to the yin and yang idea. Twisted around each other, the two sides of yin and yang represent
Balance
And this is what you need to have to really rock this particular Ungettable Girl quality.
Having too much stability can become boring. Don’t be too predictable. Act on your impulses whims and desires. Don’t get stuck in a rut; enjoy different things, inject some excitement into your life.
On the flip-side too much adventure and mystery and not enough stability can become a bit scary! If he thinks he can’t rely on you, if you’re always shooting off to do the exciting thing, if you’re a crazy party animal but never have time to spend just with him…this will upset the balance too. Let him know you can be there for him too.
While you are trying to reconnect with your ex, you need to show that you can provide a good amount of both stability and excitement. Pique his curiosity with the cool things you’re doing, and make him wonder who you were with, what you did next…all while showing you are doing just fine emotionally.
What Ungettable Girls do extremely well is balance these two aspects. And this is a constant, ever-changing process.
Ungettable Quality 3 – First Experiences Together
When I explain this concept to my clients they are often a little confused. So the analogy I use for them is imagine you’re going into a movie for the first time. You watch it you love it and it becomes your favourite movie. In fact, immediately afterwards you want to see it again, so you do. You see it again. It’s just as exciting, but it lacks a little something. So you go and see it again. It’s good, but it’s not like the first time you saw it.
That’s how first experiences are.
There’s something that connects us when we go on dates
where we experience something with that person for the first time.
If your ex takes you on a date that he has taken someone else on, he’s not going to get the same feelings for it as you are if it’s the first time you’ve been on this date.
So what you’re typically looking to do is to hang out with your ex or go on a date where you’re experiencing something together for the first time.
There’s no better bonding agent or bonding date than doing just that. You’ll both be at maximum emotions as you guys are experiencing this for the very first time.
It doesn’t need to be anything expensive, a grand gesture, or an extreme experience. You can just choose a new neighbourhood or street to explore and grab lunch in.
If he was always the one to choose the location of dates, insist that it’s your turn to plan something.
Ask him to meet you somewhere he would never expect you to go. If you love upscale wine bars, try the latest hippy juice bar. If you would usually get coffee at a particular chain, pick another one. If you usually go for action movies, try a low-budget indie. If you always walk in the same park, head to a mountain or the beach instead. Wear bright colors if black is more your thing (the classic red dress is a great attractant; black is mysterious).
This ties into the above idea of mystery and excitement. Doing something different will interest him more than the same old things he expects you to suggest. And it’s infinitely better than going to all the places you went when you were first together – you are trying to make new and better memories.
The worst that can happen is that the experience is awful – then at least you can laugh about it together!
Doing things this way, you will create your own stories, a narrative for your relationship that doesn’t always include the same restaurant, the same hotel for weekend escapes, the same neighbourhood for your shopping…
Experience the world together, and grow stronger.
Ungettable Quality 4 – They Leave You Wanting More
Leaving your ex wanting more is something essential if you want to catch and keep their interest.
So, how do you do that?
Let me show you.
Shanice
August 19, 2022 at 8:59 pm
Hiya, I’ve been with my boyfriend almost a year, it’s been so good however last couple of months he’s pulled away and this month has said he feels unsure and confused in himself but still loves me.
We’re currently still together however there has been distance. I’ve said I’m happy to give him space however he said he doesn’t feel too much space is healthy yet he hasn’t arranged to see me again. I feel confused and not sure what my next move should be!
Thanks!
Coach Shaunna Nicol
September 2, 2022 at 9:14 pm
Hey Shanice, so as much as you try if he wants space and enough – isn’t enough then that is almost telling you that he doesn’t want to invest much into you right now. Allow him all the space he needs but during that time you keep busy and social with your friends.
Sarah
February 20, 2021 at 7:12 am
Im in an extremely uncomfortable situation. My ex husband and I have a 3 year old daughter together so I don’t know how to do NC. We divorced because we grew apart and we have different values and I didn’t feel he was the same man I married. And I initiated the divorce. But regretted it before it was finalized. Before the divorce was finalized he started seeing his current GF. At first he was all about her. Then later he started telling me how much he misses our family and wanting to give another try. Every time they fight he will come back to tell me he is not sure about her. They might break up, ect. When they have breaks, we would spend time together and had intimate moments together. Because I thought he was done with her. It happened twice already. Today he told me, he is unsure, not knowing what he want. When he can give me a definite answer. I still love him and care about him. What should I do. I know he is running back to me whenever he feels lonely. And today I made it clear to him that he is not going to string me along and drag me through mud again. If he is unsure about what he wants talk to me when he is certain. And he begged me for forgiveness and want to be my friend. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 3, 2021 at 12:05 pm
Hi Sarah, you need to follow the limited no contact where you only speak to him about your daughter and do not spend time or be intimate with him during this LNC and after you avoid intimacy until he is DONE with OW and is back officially – as in DO NOT give him relationship benefits if you are not officially back together. What you do not want is to be his back up plan when he is alone so that you are there to comfort him while he moves on or gets back with her again.
Gina
November 20, 2020 at 2:44 am
My ex said all of these things 3 weeks ago. It culminated last weekend with him crying and admitting to being unhappy, that he’s never met someone like me and he wants to rebuild his life. I helped him get a therapist and we’re in regular contact. How do I play this so that when he rebuilds he knows I’m there?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 13, 2020 at 8:16 pm
Hi Gina, so the issue here is that you want to be with him in a relationship not his FRIEND. So you need to do a no contact for at least 30 days, and start following the program. Even if he is working on himself in that time you do not want to be put in the friendzone, unless he was to get in a relationship with someone else.
Lavanya
September 22, 2020 at 9:28 am
Hello!!!
My ex talks to me everyday!! He says he loves me but isn’t sure as to take it to next level… Every time I ask about future he says he doesn’t know or not sure..What should I do.. ? Should I initiate no contact again?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 22, 2020 at 10:57 am
Yes go back into NC and make sure misses you work on yourself in that time!
Bea
May 11, 2020 at 9:27 pm
Hello,
My ex and I broke up about 6 days ago because he said that he didn’t know what he wanted with me, he doesn’t know if he loves me as a friend or as a girlfriend, and we were going through that ‘phase’ after 9 months of dating so of course we were a bit different, however, he said that he doesn’t know if we can get back to normal.
Today was just birthday so I went to his family gathering (I’m very close to his family members) and we ended up having a private chat where he would hug me and ask me to lay down next to him but would then go onto saying that he doesn’t know what he wants…so he’s confused?
I want to get him back and get back to how we were before but I don’t know how or where to start.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 19, 2020 at 4:26 pm
Hi Bea, you need to start with giving him some space and time to miss you. This means that you do not go and spend time with his family for now. (30 days NC) and in that time focus on your holy trinity
Valerie
March 10, 2020 at 2:24 pm
So I’m in a really hard situation.. super hard right now. I don’t know if anyone can relate.. my fiancé and I had met on Instagram Summer of 2018. We met through our love for baseball and how we showed it so he found me and it all started there. We texted and knew somehow we were the one for each other I don’t know how but it was like we connected. Side note: we were living long distance (he was sam Diego i was in Dallas)
The whole summer passed and we were like so good to each other. We made plans about crossing off stadiums, seeing new cities, traveling for baseball etc etc. We had the same interests but we were also different in ways that would still make us closer. (Different interests in foods, a San Diego lifestyle vs a Texas lifestyle, he was a dog guy I was into cats. Etc… small differences)
I ended up moving to Nevada in September of 2018 and made the move to take our relationship to the next level. It was fast but it felt right and the speed of things didn’t bother us, and he made the same move and drove 4 hours down to move in with me. The only issue was that my mother was going through a divorce and moved in with us .. SUPER last minute.
Things were great, we were on a year lease.
I met his friends and they became like my brothers and I was all their little sister. His mom and entire family loves me so much (even supporting me right now through this mess) we crossed off 7 stadiums in about a year’s time. We tried new foods new restaurants, new cities, every day was like day 1 of our date.
In between I kinda kept our engagement a secret because I’m scared of my mom still as she lived with us, and I wanted to be engaged with him and my whole family knowing it when it felt right. I loved being engaged to him but I come from a judge family. And all my family is back in Texas so it was also hard to express that to them when we can’t go often. I also really had real Texas withdrawals and always talked about moving back as he didn’t want to. I also seemed very b*tchy sometimes but I think I was just comfortable and complacent knowing I could always vent around him. I would complain a lot but not to him, I just think maybe I nagged too hard but it was about little things. I’m also a clean freak so you can imagine maybe how I was annoying that way too.
Fast forward to now he has officially moved out he moved out last week and didn’t tell me you told me he was going to go walk the dogs our dog and 20 minutes later I had gotten a really long text message saying that he was done he just didn’t feel like he could give me the life I wanted and what night and you said that we were never going to get back together which broke my heart because we were best friends first fiancé second and so I was just so confused days passed and over the weekend we texted a little more after he said he needed space.
When we talked he is telling me he doesn’t want to think about it, he’s telling me not to hold onto Hope he’s also telling me how stressed out he is and what not and but we still text little throughout the day. But how can someone who shared this mysterious amazing Bucket list -. Journey and relationship with someone drop everything I get it I probably made him feel like guilty because I was unhappy in Nevada and I was probably jealous that we are a road trip away from his family but to go see my family in touch as it requires a lot more time and planning and so I just don’t know what to do I let go of myself while we were together I got lazy again complacent and so I just don’t know like I said he does respond to my textS more, maybe 2 or three days after the break up. the break up was on a Wednesday night and Saturday Sunday we talked more but whenever I want to talk about fixing things and telling him I’m sorry and I do appreciate our home and I just miss my home and what not, but a home without him is no harm at all so I really won’t move back it’s like I don’t mean any of it now and I’m just sorry and I wish we would get back together our lease is up in two months and so I’m hoping at least two months he will come to his senses and realize we can get past this because if not then I really will have to move back to Texas I have no one in Nevada but him.
Claritza Maldonado
December 6, 2019 at 7:38 pm
Hi’
I had a great relationship with my ex fiancé but his family never approved our relationship just because I am Latina. He didn’t mind and he fought for me as much as he can. But 3 months ago he changed completely and told me he wants to break up and that I will be better without him. After that we lived together for 2 more months since I had no place to go. I feel devastated cause he still says he loves me and that he thinks I’m the most amazing woman he ever met. He also says that he is very hurt by hurting me and that he feels very sad but it’s the best for us to break up. He changed completely from being the most amazing man and caring to being cold and distance. He has no real explanation in why he doesn’t want me. All he says is that is better and that he doesn’t want to have a relationship. He doesn’t want to feel responsible of anybody. I’m so confused and super hurt. My last day in this house is in 3 days. He has been very respectful and nice with me. But he says he will never look for me again. I’m so hurt.
Katie
November 26, 2019 at 6:37 am
Hi, my husband was indecisive about our marriage of 3 years (together for 5 years). He told me that he wanted a divorce, but changed his mind because he missed me and wanted to work with me then he changed his mind again, and changed his mind. Before his final decision, he proposed a possible solution: open marriage but I wasn’t 100% comfortable with that (reason why he asked for it so he doesn’t have to feel guilty that he cheated on me a few years ago and he didn’t want any restrictions in our marriage.) When I told him that I wasn’t sure about it and then he said it won’t work out and he doesn’t want to continue working on our marriage anymore.
He said he needs his own time to figure out who he is and what he wants. He promised me that it had to do nothing with me and I’m still a wonderful woman. It was just him and his issues (he feels guilty but I told him that I forgave him). So a few days ago, I decided to leave home to stay with my friend for a while till I find own place.
I started NC and I haven’t heard anything back from him. It’s our longest no-contact and a few things have happened since I started NC: I found him on Tinder even he said he doesn’t want relationships and he deleted all our photos on social media. I’m worried that he has 100% moved on. Is there hope?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 30, 2019 at 11:50 pm
Hi Katie, by the sounds of things your husband isn’t looking for a relationship. He wanted an open marriage so that he could continue to sleep around. Did he explain his reasons for feeling the need to cheat on you? Even if you forgave him there has to be an underlying reason why he wants to have the option to sleep around. If you can not be in an open marriage then you need to stick to your boundaries and not be with him unless he is ready to commit properly. It is hurtful thing for you to go through but I would also suggest going to speak to a couples therapist with him so that you can understand him and this situation better so you can decide to walk away or if it is something that you can both work to fix
Bri
October 24, 2019 at 11:17 pm
Hi there
Sorry if this shows up twice, but I didnt see my comment. I appreciate any help! My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me in august. We were really great together, got along with our families, never fought, and were overall very compatible. He always spoke about marriage, saying he would propose in a few months and telling my family it would happen sooner rather than later. We planned on getting married, buying a house out west, and he always said how lucky he was to have me. He knew how important marriage was to me and how I wanted to get married before buying a house together. When he asked me one night what I would do if he bought a house without me, I freaked. I tried speaking to him about it and got nowhere. I suggested a break and three days in, he called my brother in law who set us up and said it was going to end badly. He then broke up with me on the phone, saying he wasnt ready to get married, we werent rifht for each other, wanted to stay up north rather than west, and wasnt sure if he wanted kids. This came out of nowhere and everything he ever told me changed over night. Two weeks pass and I ask him what really happened. He asks me to go to dinner, where he cries and begs for me back. Saying breaking up was a mistake.We leave saying we would take it slow. Then he tells me he a bought a house two days later and never even mentioned it during our dinner! This really hurt. I never took him as aliar. We ended saying we could talk in a few months and if it’s meant to be, we will be back together. I texted him on his bday and got a thank you. It’s been a month since we talked and I was planning on reaching out to him in November, but now I’m second guessing if I would look desparate. He hasnt contacted me, but he keeps saying we might get back together. My family says to move on, but I still want him back and feel like we are good for each other. Is it cold feet? Should I text him in November? Is it too soon? Do we even have a chance? Thanks for your help!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 27, 2019 at 9:17 pm
Hi Bri, so you can get this guy back but you need to start your texting phase soon before too much time passes. Now I understand everyone has their own believes and feelings on matters, but why does getting married before buying a house matter to you so much? Personally I would suggest living with someone for at least 12 months before getting married so you know what life would be like with them before making such a commitment. Life never works out as we plan what matters is who we want to be with and who makes us happy. The fact he bought a house is a huge deal for him and he was too afraid to tell you he had. This is something you need to consider how well you guys communicated during the relationship and something to work on. Now when you reach out to him you need to be his friend not his ex, and you need to appear happy. Your first conversation needs to be short polite and positive. Good Luck
T
October 24, 2019 at 1:46 pm
Hey there. Thank you for your website!
My ex broke up with me back in March as we were going through a stage of arguing a lot and there were worries of me wanting children ect whereas he’s not ready (neither am I, he just seemed to get cold feet as a lot of my friends were having them and I think he got scared)
We reconnected in July where we spent a few amazing days together. I had asked if he had been with anyone else as we hadn’t really spoken since beginning of April and he lied and said no. I later found out he had and was really hurt by his lie. He cried a lot and said he had lied so as not to ruin the moment with me and he wished it hadn’t happened. I was really hurt by the lie that I took a few weeks to myself.
Later on we ended up reconnecting and he kept asking to see me and had regular contact. We argued a few times about the lie mainly when drunk and he gets very jealous if other men speak to me. I don’t do anything to hurt him or make him jealous as it’s not in my nature.
It’s now October and I feel ive has such an anxiety hanging over me as we aren’t back together but he always wants to see me, take me out and speak to me. When we are together everything’s great but then days pass and we don’t speak or he gets angry when I see him on nights out – we live very close to each other. When I asked what he wants he said he feels like what has happened has ruined our chance of a future And it wouldn’t work but he is finding it hard to let go and move on. He said at first he thought maybe we would get back together but now he doesn’t. At the same time he watches all my social media without having me as a ‘friend’ and I know If I ask him to do anything for me he would?
I’m so confused. I have improved myself so much and I feel a lot more independent but I feel this is starting to affect my own happiness because I’m so confused and lost. Is it time to give up and go back to no contact? Thank you!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 24, 2019 at 9:35 pm
Hey T, so I would do a NC and remove yourself from his social circle as much as you can for the 30 days and work on yourself a little. For what ever reasons he is getting angry, it makes no sense unless its an emotional reaction to which I recommend avoiding that too. If you are to see him on nights out, polite wave and move on explaining to your friends that you do not want to talk to him right now as he always gets worked up and ruins the night. I’m sure they will understand this. Then when you have done 30 days nc start talking to him as a friend first and build up the flirting to re-attract him. but in the mean time i would also suggest casual dating so that you show you are not waiting around for him like he assumes you are right now
Caroline
October 22, 2019 at 12:39 am
Hi!
Me and my boyfriend of less than 1 year broke up a few weeks ago since he was still hung up on his ex, he still had her pictures on social media, was in contact with her, he even kept saying “I love you” and calling her cute names on social media. He told me he didn’t have romantic feelings for her but I feel like he does. He didn’t want to hurt me more so than he has already, so he said he needs time. I agreed 100% and decided that we can never be together again unless he does my requests: delete his ex’s pictures, stop talking to her and so on.
Can this article be applied for my situation? Is there any other one I could read to help me?
Denise
October 17, 2019 at 5:45 pm
I was in an LDR with my (now ex) boyfriend for 4 months before we ended things. We met in Argentina (where he’s from), and lived there together for a year, were talking about marriage and everything. However, I moved back to Canada (where I’m from) for work, and the same week he moved to Japan for the 1 year working holiday visa. The original plan was for him to follow me here to Canada after his year in Japan, and then we’d figure it out. I knew he didn’t know for sure if he wanted to come to Canada, but we talked about all the options and that’s the one that made the most sense. A few weeks ago he called me crying saying “I love you so much and I don’t want to lose you but I’m so confused, I don’t know what I want in my life .. to stay here, or go to Canada, or be alone. I also don’t feel independent and am lacking self love and I feel like I’m only going to end up hurting you while going through this” so in tears I told him “it’s okay, I understand, I’ve moved abroad before and I know sometimes you have to navigate it alone. I want you to feel free to explore as I have”. He’s going through a lot of changes suddenly, and when I asked if he thought we should break up he said he didn’t know so I made the call and said “let’s break up and both do some growing and get clarity”. We agreed to stop speaking for 2 months and reconvene in December. The thing is:
1. We already booked my flights to Japan from February to May.. I’m meant to be there for 3 months. Part of me thinks it would be a bad idea to see him, but part of me thinks it could be a chance to rekindle things. I probably won’t stay all 3 months but maybe spend the 3 months in the Philippines instead (where I have family)
2. Before we cut off contact he kept asking if we HAD to stop talking, and if we could still have sex, and what would keep me from coming back if he decided he could handle being in a relationship in the end. I told him that yes we have to stop talking, no we can’t have sex, and that I can’t promise him anything about getting back into a relationship because a lot can change in 2 months. Do you think this pushed him away? What do I do when we start talking in December and confirms that he wants to be alone? Do I start no contact again? Do I tell him I don’t know if I should see him in Japan at all?
3. He also kept saying “This doesn’t feel like the end, it feels temporary” which makes it really freaking confusing for me, so I just kept telling him we have to treat it like a real break up, otherwise we won’t get clarity. This partially makes me feel like I can be open and tell him I do want to try again in the future when he has had some time to be more independent, but part of me thinks I should continue to make it clear that we are broken up and I’m moving on. PLS HELP 🙁
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 21, 2019 at 8:59 pm
Hi Denise, so you need to NC straight away and start living your life being Ungettable and let him see through social media how you are not waiting around for him you need to top answering his calls when he has the fear of loss because youre helping him move on slowly by reassuring him youre still there waiting for him while he gives you hope and ends the conversation feeling that little bit better.
Sarah
October 9, 2019 at 10:39 am
Hi there,
My boyfriend and I broke up just over a month ago, and have been in no contact ever since apart from one message. This article rings true to me as he stated his reason for breaking up was that he was unsure of whether we were right together, and was worried that he’d hurt me further down the line. He said he couldn’t commit 100% and that I deserved to be with someone who could. I know we are really good as a partnership together, and I can’t stop thinking about him. I am unsure of whether he will ever come back though, as he has his pick of women – he’s highly attractive to women and whilst we were together even had a lot of attention…..I’m not sure how to be “the ungettable girl” when there are so many comparisons for him 🙁
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 9, 2019 at 8:35 pm
Hi Sarah, the Ungettable woman knows her worth and knows that she is the best a man can get its more than simple looks in this field its about being fearless, strong, confident, literally being the best version of yourself. Dont feel less than anyone else you know your ex and you know his likes and dislikes so you have information to work on there to make him notice you again
Sarah
October 6, 2019 at 12:36 am
Hi, i was in a ldr and we both lived in different countries. We recently broke up because he said he just wasnt sure about our future together anymore and her has alot of family issues along with a mentally draining job so he could not commit. I have been in nc for 27 days now. We were together for almost 2 years. I also noticed he was very codependent on his mother, they were extrmely close and it was almost like he has no boundaries. My question is, would nc work on someone who has codependent tendencies with his mother?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 6, 2019 at 2:22 pm
Hi Sarah, so yes it will still work but you already know that his mother will influence his decision with his life choices. So if he likes you then that is to your advantage
Juniper
October 2, 2019 at 6:54 pm
Hello,
My ex and I were together for almost a year. We talked about marriage, children, the whole package. We had 2-3 fights due to bad communication and him not reaching out for a few days after we had a disagreement. Also, I am very sentitive and can be a bit aggresive and want answers asap, which clearly does not help. In the last weeks of the relationship, after he had a major surgery and needed someone to be by his side (dr orders) I heard “I am not there emotionally” and “I cannot offer you what you want” and finally “This is too much pressure”. Since then, I did 21 NC, and started posting profesional pictures on FB. He texted to make compliments. I sent a message saying there were lots of changes in my life… and he contacted me a couple of times. It’s been almost two weeks since then, and I tried to send a one line text to him again and I get no answer. I do not want to insist anymore, what do I do now?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 2, 2019 at 8:05 pm
Hey Juniper, so when you reach out your texts should be about getting him curious and interested in talking to you. Look up some articles about texting your ex and use that as a guide.
Lola
October 1, 2019 at 11:45 pm
My ex boyfriend and I broke up about three weeks ago after 4 years of relationship. The reasons according to him was that he isnt feeling himself, i deserve better and that he needs to find himself. He was heart broken when he told me that it was over which took me by surpise why? We haven’t spoken since then. I have been doing no contact since then working on myself and focusing on achieving my own personal goals. But I dont know how to reconnect when the time comes that I’m fully ready to reach to out to him?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 2, 2019 at 6:08 pm
Hi Lola, there area few articles here about how to reach out for the first time after a No Contact use them to help you
Em
October 1, 2019 at 6:42 am
My ex broke up with me after 3 years because he said he didn’t know if he felt the same anymore ( because as it does after 3 years – the relationship was comfortable and his words plodding along ). He was devastated when he said it was over- so why is he breaking up? We hadn’t spoke since it happened (3 days) but then my gran died who he was close to. I messaged him to let him know and he said he was still really upset and that he doesn’t want us to cut each other out and that he will always be there for me to talk to. Our relationship was great we barely argued he just didn’t know if he saw a future together…. I know he is upset so why isn’t he asking to get back together? What can I do about this? Obviously now back to no contact but his messages were so nice. Is he just going to move on?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 1, 2019 at 7:52 pm
Hi Em, so if things became “stale” or as he puts it plodding along what can happen is we get bored, and think there is more to life or that we can find someone who will give us excitement. You can get into routines and patterns where it becomes boring. So if you want him back you need to start doing interesting things with your life, things you know he would have loved to do, and post these things to your social media, he’s going to see them and feel like hes missed out. Do this during your NC and also after too. Im sorry about your grandmother xx
Laura
September 30, 2019 at 6:48 pm
So I have an interesting kind of situation. This guy and I dated once and he up and disappeared. He came back this year after I blocked him on everything. He literally stalked my work profile to get my number. He apologized profusely and… sure why not. So I had a car accident that I’m still recovering from and while I made some improvements there a lot of issues from it that involves every area of my life. I told him … I am a mess (like forget ungettable woman – I need a year to get back to where I was). BUT I’m still holding my own -even physically…. it’s just a struggle to regain what was lost. So anyway… he comes in. We get 6 months into this… everything appears to be going well, even better than the first time. He’s helpful. He listens. He was texting everyday or calling if we were apart. Then this weekend he fell silent. Then he texts me yesterday and said he just isn’t feeling it. Just being through so much I could not even really say that much but I asked him if he had an explanation and he talked around and around in circles. And I was like I don’t understand because I told you that my life was not pretty before you chose to walk in it, and he swears that wasn’t it. So I said, ok this is your life and it’s your choice but I don’t understand. I didn’t ask you to come back. I didn’t ask you to stay. If you weren’t ‘interested or feeling it’ why would you stay this long? And he said, I don’t understand, did you expect me to marry you? Which that threw me off. And I said, No… I’m just trying to make it through September (which has been a particularly rough month overall) but it is what it is. I’ll be fine -good luck to you. And then I blocked him on everything.
What? My head is swirling with a million questions. I can’t even figure out what went wrong. Or why a guy would go through so many lengths to come back the first time? And why even get involved if you knew my life was crazy?
Perspective at all because I’m so confused.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 1, 2019 at 8:47 pm
Hi Laura, I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time! As for why he made such an effort to come back into your life and then made the effort. It could have been the chase that created from you not reaching out to him or begging him to get in touch with you after the first date. It may be the same situation now, even though you have blocked him everywhere he may try again when he realises that the grass isn’t greener out there and he tries to get back in touch with you.