Hello and what’s up? Welcome to another episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, where we’re going to talk about your exes.
How to get them back, how to move on from them, or just men in general, and what works to get them to commit to you, so that you can get a lifelong commitment, because that’s really what we’re here to do.
So today, we’re going to be talking about what it means when an ex actually says that he doesn’t see a future with you. We’re going to hear from a woman named Shauntee, whose ex ironically has just said this exact thing to her.
Well, let’s find out.
But before we get started, I do want to let you know, if you’re considering getting your ex back, the first place that you should always start is on our website, to take our ex recovery chances quiz.
It’s a two-minute quiz that is simply designed to answer one question, what kind of chance do you have of getting your ex back?
Believe me when I say there’s nothing worse than working to try to get an ex back in a situation that is probably impossible. It’s a waste of your time. It’s a waste of their time.
So, we want to weed these types of situations out immediately, or help you improve the odds of your chances, but in order for you to understand that, you have to go to my website and take the quiz.
So again, just go to Google, type in ex boyfriend recovery.
My website will pop up, and look for the quiz there. There’s only one quiz on the website, and it is the quiz I’m talking about right here in the podcast.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
Okay, so now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about what your ex means when he says he doesn’t see a future with me, and I’m going to play a voicemail I got from one of my readers named Shauntee.
The Listeners Question
“Hi Chris, this is Shauntee.
My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago because he said that he thought our relationship had reached a plateau, and that he really didn’t see a future for us, and that to continue dating me would basically be leading me on at this point.
I’ve read through your website. I didn’t really see an example of a success story from that sort of situation.
So, I’m just wondering, do you think there’s hope there, that someone who doesn’t think that you’re the one, may realize that they made a mistake, I guess?
Like I said, it’s been a week. I haven’t spoken with him. I haven’t tried to contact him. He hasn’t contacted me.
He’s actually not on social media, one of the very few people in the world. So, it’s not like I’m looking at his social media, or anything like that, or he’s not looking at mine because he’s not on it.
I don’t know if there was another woman in the picture or not. So, I guess, like I said, my question is just, do you think there’s any hope for that at this point, for any hope for any reconciliation?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThank you.”
I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for having the courage to send me a voicemail, Shauntee.
If you’re listening to this podcast, and are interested in sending me a voicemail, you can actually go to my website, and actually, record a 30-90 second voicemail for me.
Sometimes, I pick the best ones, or the ones that fit the criteria that I’m looking for, and I will answer your question on-air.
He Doesn’t See A Future Together
So today, let’s do a quick recap of Shauntee’s situation.
It looks like her ex broke up with her about a week ago. Her boyfriend broke up with her, and says he doesn’t see a future together, says dating her would be like leading her on.
Now, Shauntee is obviously very discouraged by this. She’s wondering if there’s still hope. Will he realize that he made a mistake? And interestingly enough, her ex doesn’t have any social media.
So, when I look at your situation as a whole, Shauntee, there are two things that really stick out to me.
Number one is, what the heck is going on in his head when he actually says he doesn’t see a future with me?
I’m sure a lot of people listening to this are wondering that as well.
There’s nothing like having a man actually tell you what’s going on in another man’s head, and that’s what I’m going to spend some time doing today.
But on top of that, I’m also going to spend some time helping everyone listening, and you Shauntee, understand how men make their commitment decisions.
Because I think, interestingly in this case, the two are kind of linked.
So, part one of this podcast will be dedicated to figuring out what’s going on in his head when he says this.
Part two is going to be helping you understand how men make their commitment decisions.
So, let’s get right to it
Part one, what is going on in his head when he says he doesn’t see a future with you?
All right, so first off, the first thing you need to understand is, does he believe what he’s saying?
I would say yes, he does, right now. In this moment, he’s broken up with you, it’s still very fresh, he does believe that he doesn’t see a future together with you.
Every man who breaks up with a woman, citing this, will believe that at the time, but interestingly enough, the one agent in life that you can count on is change. Feelings change, circumstances change.
In many cases, anyone who says, “Yeah, he does not believe this,” they’re lying to you.
Absolutely, he believes that he doesn’t see a future together with you. Why else would he break up with you?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizBut what you are counting on, and it’s what I’ve seen happen in countless situations, is that change can occur, and he can change his mind.
Now, let’s distil down a little deeper, and try to understand the actual process going on in his head. Why is he getting this thought?
Well, in my opinion, I think he thinks that there’s a better alternative out there for him.
The thing you need to understand about men is, often when we’re making commitment decisions, we’re doing it based on a cost and benefit scenario.
In other words, we’re looking for an opportunity that’s going to provide the most benefits and minimize the most costs.
So, he’s in the relationship with you, and he’s enjoying his time potentially, because he thinks,
“I’m getting a lot of benefit out of this relationship and it’s not costing me much. My feelings are still into this,” but somewhere along the way, there was a catalyst, a catalyst for change.
This is actually a technique that I use with my coaching clients, because what I find is, that a lot of the women who I coach, and also who Coach Anna coaches, will be a little blind to the real reason that caused the breakup.
There’s always a catalyst, there’s always a turning point. Sometimes it’s not one singular moment, it’s a combination of many singular moments.
But it’s important for you to be aware of what that catalyst is, that catalyst that turns things for the worst, that makes him think,
“You know what? This is costing me too much. There are not enough benefits. The benefits don’t out weigh the cost anymore.”
So, it’s important to think back. In most cases it can be something as simple as a comment like, “Oh yeah.”
My wife and I, interestingly … I’ll give you a really inline idea of this process at work. My wife and I often will watch The Bachelor, or recently we’ve been kind of getting a kick … at least I get a kick out of it … this idea of The Bachelor in Paradise, where essentially they get all these couples together on a beach, and you can only advance at the competition as long as you’re in a couple.
There happened to be a woman and a guy who were really hitting it off. It looked like she liked him and he liked her, and then she made some comment.
Now, the interesting thing, the trademark you need to understand here, is with The Bachelor in Paradise, they’re often introducing new people into the equation, and the new person has the opportunity to take someone out on a date.
It just so happened that the men had the power, which means the men have these roses.
I know this sounds like a ridiculous show, but the men have these roses, and they are allowed to give it to the women of their choice, to advance in the competition.
Of course, the couples that were already together don’t necessarily stay together, because there’s always new women coming in, that are going to ask the men on dates.
There was one couple that seemed really strong, and what ended up happening was, the woman felt a little insecure about the facts that there’s another girl that’s going to come in, that could potentially ask her man on a date.
She got so insecure, she decided to test him. Her test was, “Hey, if you get asked out on a date, I want you to do what’s best for you. I want you to go on the date.”
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNow, the man was really into the girl, but this kind of took him aback, because he was looking for an actual commitment out of the person he was with, and it made him feel like the girl he was with wasn’t as committed because she was doing this test.
And so of course, the girl, the new blood, comes and asks him on a date, and he takes it. Of course, the girl who gave him the test is in tears.
This is all because the new alternative came in and he felt, you know what?
Maybe there is a better alternative out there for him. This caused the catalyst for this dissension, this break up, so to speak.
It can be something as simple as that, or something as complicated as, for 15 weeks straight you fought every single day.
Those are the kinds of catalysts we’re looking at. Once you have those identified, you can get an idea of the moment he starts looking for alternatives.
Think of it like this. If you look at the pros and cons list of being in a relationship with you, the second the cons start outweighing the pros, the second he starts looking for more alternatives.
Now, does him saying this to you …
Hey, my ex said he doesn’t see a future with me. Does him saying, “You know what? I don’t want to be with you anymore. I don’t see us being together when we grow old,”
Does that impact your overall chances of success with getting him back? Not really.
I know that’s a weird thing to say, especially after I gave all this evidence saying, “Yes, he does believe what he’s saying in the moment. Yes, he’s thinking there are better alternatives out there,” but here’s the trick.
Thinking there are better alternatives out there aren’t the same as there actually being better alternatives out there.
And if you listen to what I’m about to say, if you take some time and understand how men make their commitment decisions, you can actually turn this in your favor, because the agent of change will occur. He can change how he’s feeling.
You’re a week out from your breakup, Shauntee. The emotions you’re having, and he’s having, are at the highest state.
So, I don’t know about you, but most of the time when people are in highly emotional states and tell you something, they’re doing it as an impulse reaction.
That impulse might not be the same a year from now, six months from now, three months from now.
So, let’s take some time and understand how men make their commitment decisions. Because your ex, right now, is looking for a new type of commitment.
Four Major Factors
In my opinion there are four major factors that you need to take into account:
- Satisfaction
- Alternatives
- Investment
- Fear of loss
Let’s talk a little bit about each one of these.
Satisfaction
How satisfied is your ex in the relationship he’s in currently?
Alternatives
We just spent a whole bunch of time talking about this, but alternatives.
Is there someone else out there who can meet his needs better?
Remember, when I view alternatives, or when your ex is viewing alternatives, he’s looking at a pros and cons lists.
He’s looking to see, “You know what? This girl has more pros than cons, than the current relationship I’m in, or the current relationship I was just in.”
Investment
How much money, and time, and emotional energy has he spent invested into the relationship?
This is a really undervalued factor, and I’d argue it’s one of the most important, if not the most important factor to commitment decisions, investment.
What we found is, as long as an ex has invested a lot of time, energy, emotional energy, resources into a relationship, even if that relationship is starting to become unsatisfying, even if the alternatives are ripe, he can still stay in the relationship because he feels like it’s a waste of his time.
There’s nothing people like less than wasting their time, even if we spend all day wasting our time.
And then finally,
Fear of Loss
Oftentimes to me, this is the agent that gets the action of commitment in play.
It’s not enough just to be satisfying. It’s not enough to be the best alternative. It’s not enough to get his investment sometimes, or get his time invested into you.
Sometimes, we find that when we teach our clients about this process, and they actually work to try to get a commitment from their ex, they do a great job of getting satisfaction, alternatives, investment.
It’s not enough to push him over the edge. It’s not until he feels like he’s about to lose you forever, that he will take action.
So, what does this mean?
Well, when you look at understanding how men make commitment decisions, it gives you the game plan going forward, especially with an ex who says he doesn’t see a future with you.
So, an ex who says that, is essentially talking almost about investment.
He’s not willing to invest enough time into the relationship because he doesn’t think it will pan out, because either it’s become unsatisfying, but my guess is, he thinks there’s a better alternative out there.
What are breakups, if not an admission that, “You know what? I think I can do better than you.”
It’s your job, your mantra, to live your life in a way that he feels like he’s going to miss out on the alternative of being with you.
It’s your job to live your life in a way, and romanticize the past for him, so that when he does start meeting other alternatives, other women, he’s comparing them to the bar that you set, and the bar that you set is so high.
That is how you get a man to commit to you.
mich
October 10, 2024 at 12:42 pm
hello, i’m 8 weeks pregnant (31) and i broke up with my boyfriend (27) of only 4 months a couple of days ago. it’s the kind of relationship where when we are good, we’re really good & only want to be next to each other all the time. he is quite a sensitive & emotional guy who overanalyses situations & details, that i don’t always feel is necessary & at times feel he can be quite needy, which usually i’m that way in past relationships. but generally we talk about everything. but after finding out i was pregnant, a few days later we initially decided to keep the baby. he was the one who initiated that we go for it. i was over the moon excited. never experienced anything like it. but then uncertainty kicked in for me & antenatal depression hit me like a tonne of bricks within the week. after a month of feeling really low, we had an argument on holiday over the way i said something, which i think was exaggerated by him & we didn’t see eye to eye on it at all. fast forward a week & i decided to go back to my family home to get medical treatment for the depression. i’m now on anti-depressants. since being home for the last week, we have basically just argued the whole time. he keeps bringing up the holiday argument & nitpicking at me for other things, to the point he said he would prefer i had an abortion. he thought about breaking up with me twice in the last week & said if i wasn’t pregnant he would have left me by now. this really hurt me so the next night i broke up with him over the phone as he cancelled coming to see me that night when i wanted to talk over all our issues in the relationship. i’m going into no contact but at this point i really don’t know what to do. we lived & worked together. i’m signed off sick for another two weeks. i’ve got my first midwife appointment next week. he was supposed to be there. but when i broke up with him he said it’s mutual so i feel like this is the end of us & im struggling with the idea of being a single mum, and having an abortion. i ideally want to work things out with him & keep the baby. but it just doesn’t seem like that’s a possibility anymore. i feel like i shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t know if they want me. but i know he is stressed about the uncertainty & future with a baby, just like i am. but i do want us to work things out in an ideal world. what should i do? please help x
Mia
August 26, 2024 at 6:18 pm
My fiance ended things because he started a new job five hours away. He told me we’re deeply compatible but that he simply isn’t in love with me the way he thinks he needs to be to see a future with me and he can’t be in a relationship while he starts this job. He hasn’t had a job this intense in a really long time and I know he was really scared about succeeding. He was shaking and crying when he left, and we had a really loving last week together. He was so romantic, staring at me and into my eyes, crying when romantic songs came on, and taking me to fancy dinners.
He left 9 days ago. I started no contact and he’s broken it twice. The longest we’ve gone has been 4 days. The tricky part: I still live in our house with the dog. So there are logistical things that we’ll need to be in touch about.
How do I go about getting him back? I don’t know how long he’s going to need to be at this job. I was ready to move with him until he freaked out.
Kim
December 5, 2023 at 8:39 pm
Hello, I bought your how to get my ex back a few months ago. Since then I have followed everything but unfortunately now I’m getting into month 5 and just two weeks ago. My ex texted me said he feels bad that he’s hurt me. He doesn’t want to hurt me anymore but he wants to make it clear that he does not see a future with us… Do I give up for what is the next step now after trying everything in your program?
Coach Shaunna
December 8, 2023 at 5:43 pm
Hi Kim, it is a shame that your ex reached out to tell you this, were you in the texting phase? Had you completed a No Contact successfully?
I would suggest that from that message you need to complete another 45 days as your ex is really not ready for anything to progress with you YET. This does not mean that you cannot work on yourself in this time, focusing on your Holy Trinity and UG work.
Karthiga Emmanual Edward
May 22, 2023 at 12:06 pm
Hi,
I am in a similar situation, except we have been no contact for about 45 days. How does someone get their ex back if this happens? I understand the points Chris laid out but how will my ex know how I’m living my life now? That seems to be a crucial part of potentially getting them back
Coach Shaunna
November 12, 2023 at 6:35 am
Hi Kathiga, so your ex finding out / seeing you living your life now is about how you utilize your social media pages that they can see, your sphere of influence that you have (mutual friends) and acting on the Holy Trinity and the Ungettable girl information that we discuss in the articles. There is no “tell” your ex about your changes they will eventually see those changes, when you have completed your NC you can also start the texting phase which is also where you can discuss the “new and exciting” things that you have been doing in your life.
Steph
August 19, 2022 at 6:43 am
My boyfriend and I broke up 1 week ago on our one year anniversary. He said he didn’t love me and didn’t see us getting married or having a family in the future. According to him this relation didn’t work because we didn’t have anything in common. I agree we didn’t have many things in common but we did have a few. I always tried to show interest in his things but i guess he didn’t care. Also according to him he didn’t “miss me” since we see each other everyday at work and didn’t want to hang out with on the weekends. We already acted like we weren’t together at work. I wanted to do couple things outside of work. We both ended in good terms but this is still affecting me. I haven’t been to work in 1 week due to this and trying to avoid any sort of contact. I just really cared about him and I really thought this would work. I don’t know what I should do next.
Ariana
May 7, 2022 at 10:26 pm
I was talking to this guy and we’re both in High school he’s a senior about to graduate and I’m a Junior and we both told each other we liked each other around March but we started talking to each other in February. But then we decided to wait until we were ready to be in a relationship. What we were looking for is to be in a committed relationship and then a few days ago he ask me ” Do you see us lasting in the future? ” and I had to think about it for a day. Then the next day happened and we talked about it and my answer was yes and it can be possible but right now I don’t think so and then he told me that he doesn’t see us lasting in a relationship so we both decided to just be acquaintances for now and I thought I liked him and he liked me a lot too and idk anymore
claudia
February 9, 2022 at 6:27 pm
My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me saying he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t see the future with me. But I think he’s just really annoyed with me and tired of my dramas, because some of his reasons, for me, can be fixed if we talk things over but he’s not letting me fix them. So I said to him “I’ll give you time and space to think things over because I think you’re just stressed or confused and I don’t want to give up our relationship” I love him so much but the past weeks I was not myself, I was very stressed and I forgot to prioritize him. I didn’t tell him what’s going on, I kept secrets.
Currently, I am not contacting him. It’s so hard, I miss him so nuch but I need to do this for the both of us
Aaliyah
December 6, 2021 at 7:25 pm
I wanted to talk about this with someone but don’t know who to turn 2.
I’m talking to this guy and he is currently in a committed relationship. We got a lot in common and we always seem to be thinking of the same thing at the same time. We know the situation between us is complicated. So we try to keep it lowkey. We had a conversation and he was saying he’s in love with me and he has a lot of feeling towards me. But of course, I never believed what he said. Then he goes on by saying he doesn’t see a future with me which is understandable with the situation we are currently in. I don’t want to lose him but I think that’s where it is heading to.
I don’t want to leave him as I don’t want to see anyone else with him.
I KNOW IT’S WRONG TALKING TO A GUY IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT I CARE ABOUT HIM AND DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 7, 2021 at 6:06 pm
Aaliyah, you need to walk away, he is not single and he has told you he does not see a future with you. You are setting yourself up for heartache.
Jade
November 3, 2021 at 5:19 pm
My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me saying he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t see the future with me. But I think he’s just really annoyed with me and tired of my dramas, because some of his reasons, for me, can be fixed if we talk things over but he’s not letting me fix them. So I said to him “I’ll give you time and space to think things over because I think you’re just stressed or confused and I don’t want to give up our relationship” I love him so much but the past weeks I was not myself, I was very stressed and I forgot to prioritize him. I didn’t tell him what’s going on, I kept secrets.
Currently, I am not contacting him. It’s so hard, I miss him so nuch but I need to do this for the both of us
Elle
September 28, 2021 at 1:40 am
My boyfriend and I were together for 3-4months. Due to the pandemic, a lot of our relationship was spent in lockdown but he would come and see me every week. We were happy and only had a couple minor disagreements that stemmed from our fear of hurting the other. We never had a proper first date and he wasn’t a very romantic person so I planned a few lockdown dates while we stayed inside.
He always said he was lucky to have me and he didn’t deserve me. I noticed with the lockdown in my city being extended more and more, he was feeling down and apathetic towards everything.
He broke up with me last week because he said he couldn’t see himself falling in love with me and didn’t want to lead me on. He said he didn’t see a future and first felt this doubt a month ago (approximately 2-3 months in). I feel like it’s too soon to tell.
I tried to give us some space but it’s hard as we work together on projects that require communication.
Olena SOUTHCOTT
September 17, 2021 at 5:51 am
My boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me a couple of days ago the day after we spent the most amazing weekend together. He is 47 and I am 46. We live 100 miles away from each other and he said he couldn’t commit to see me every other weekend offering me to stay as friends. It offended me as he knew how I felt about him and thought that feeling was mutual. Telling him I was offended by his offer. He said he was sorry but his concerns started to manifest in his mind. I don’t know what to think as we had a great chemistry and really thought he was the one as he was a really good man. What I gathered from our last brief phone talk he meant it. I am so confused and how to understand why he broke up with me?
Patricia
July 8, 2021 at 11:04 am
Hi! Really looking forward for your answer. I had a relationship for2,5 years then something came up and he had to move to his home country (which is mine too) I couldn’t go now, but in 6 months I could.
we always had future plans and we’ve talked about our future there too, but had some disagreements cause he had a very special plan with me there which I couldn’t agree on (to live with his parents and to work at his family business) I wanted us to live separate from them and another job for me, but he only wanted things his way, he’s very stubborn. And because of that he told me that we have no future. So he moved (we were still together) and after a week there he went cold and dumped me (that was 6weeks ago).I begged and pleaded for 2,3 days then I went in NC, after 2 weeks he reached out very open asked me about my life,family, told me that he is confused and he missed me and if I want to go to his place in vacation, told him I’m open to that ,but he always got angry because I didn’t carry the convo and because I don’t texr first too. So I did text first but he went cold, asked him if he still wants me to go there ,he told me get doesn’t know ,askee him if he still has feelings he told me that he doesn’t think so, even though he was not indifferent, but angry. He told me that I moved on because I didn’t reach out to him before he told me to. (Because i said that i am doing fine)After2 days I called him to catch up (he gave me4days ago his new number to call him sometimes) and told me to not call him again so i went in NC again ,today is the 6the day. Is 2 weeks I go to my home country for2weeks (different city than his) should I ask him for a meet up sience it’s the only opportunity or is it a bad idea? I don’t know what I should do next. Is there any chance for him to reach out again or was that it?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 12, 2021 at 9:29 pm
Hi Patricia, so I would suggest that you look at the situation where you have to consider if you get back together he is going to want you / expect you to go into his family business again – as this is the cause of breakup and there is a big chance that his views on that hasn’t changed. And I am assuming you haven’t changed your mind either. If you still want to pursue getting him back, then I would suggest after your NC of 45 days that you stat using Chris’ text methods, I would avoid asking for a meet up until you have been texting for a number of weeks.
Michelle
March 24, 2021 at 10:13 pm
My boyfriend and I dated for four months, then he broke up with me. I found ExBoyfriend Recovery and implemented the NC rule, and it worked! We were together for 6 months, but in the last two months, he began to feel as if he was not happy and not sure if he saw a future with us. The first four months of the second relationship, he pursued me very heavily, planning trips, random gifts, flowers, always sending me sweet texts, seeing me every day, etc. I will admit to my fault that I did not resolve my problems from the first relationship and fought him almost every single day. I was sent into immediate apology mode and tried to stop the fighting in the last two months because I wanted him to be happy, and I knew it was because of the fighting. He finally broke up with me again, but we spent it crying and telling each other how much we loved each other. The next day he sent me money that he did not owe me, and when I thanked him for it he sent a long text message saying he was not sure if this was the right decision or not, and how he was so torn up by the breakup, crying at work and missing me so much and that he would always love, I had a pure love, and that I was the best thing that’s happened to him. I myself was very broken up about the breakup and took three days to respond, I tried calling him once but he did not answer and ended up calling me back drunk but was so incoherent we couldn’t talk. We talked very lightly two days later, and I finally gathered up the courage to call and ask for him back since it seemed like in the text he wanted me back. He told me he was just very emotional but has found peace and that we will not get back together because we tried twice and fought even more in the second relationship. I don’t understand how we went from crying to work to this. I told him I loved him and hung up. I immediately implemented no contact, and it’s been two days. I worry because he told me he didn’t believe in getting back together due to him and another ex always being on and off again and that I was the anomaly for him taking a second chance on us. I am not sure if no contact will work again, or should I go about it differently? I took the quiz and it says I have an above-average chance, but I worry that I have lost him.
Angel
March 22, 2021 at 6:03 am
me & my bf have been together for almost 2years, we just broke up recently because of preasure on his work & i guess me being upset on things he do made it worst, this is the 2nd time he left.. the 1st time was also because of preasure he believed that im just causing him more stress that time, i chased him for a while then stopped, then he came to me to fix & get back together & i guess this time i feel like its the same thing.. the only problem is we havent seen each other because of the lockdown, he told me that “im wasting his time, & he doesnt see any future with me, because he feels like im just adding stress & such”… i just wanna know do you think we would get back together again? We havent talked ever since.. I got a 75% on the quiz but i dont feel like it would happen.. but i am lowkey hoping that were gonna get back together soon.. should i try that “no contact” thing on him?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 24, 2021 at 9:00 pm
Hi Angel, its your call if you want to follow the program or not. But no matter what it needs to start with a no contact
Alice
March 17, 2021 at 1:14 am
I started dating this guy at the beginning of the pandemic and it was everything I ever wanted in a relationship. We are both in college, albeit different ones, and this was his first relationship (not my first). We had a lovely, healthy relationship. I would say that we almost never fought, got into minimal arguments that would be resolved before we went to bed. We saw each other quite frequently during the first 6 months, and less so as school and work became busy, but still at least 2-3 times a week. My family and friends really liked him, and from the few interactions with his family, it seemed like they liked me too. He employed the it’s not you it’s me response, and broke up with me because he was unsure if he saw a future with me. We spent a little more than a week talking about how we felt/hanging out post breakup, and I could tell that he was genuinely trying to mitigate my hurt. However, he insists that he isn’t ready to commit to someone the way he thinks I deserve, and isn’t ready for the pace I am at. He says that being alone is the best thing for him right now, that he needs to feel independent. He says that he loves me but thinks that separating is the right choice. We talked about potentially trying again in the future, but he did not seem enthusiastic about the idea, and hesitantly said yea maybe, but continued to insist that I would find someone that loved me the way that I love him. There were a few times where it felt like he was going to walk out of the relationship (which I think is anxiety driven) and he told me that I deserve better than someone who is unsure. He doesn’t want me to wait, and I’m trying to focus on school and other endeavours, but there will always be a part of me that hopes he comes to a realization/realizes he made a mistake. Obviously I want to feel like we have equal footing/feel the same in the relationship, but I don’t see how the logical answer was to stop dating. There is no uncertainty that he loves and cares about me and I know that he’ll be there for me when I need, but I want him as my partner not my friend.
Maria
February 9, 2021 at 11:27 am
I have dated a guy for almost 3 months. Everything was very nice, we met many times, spent a lot of time together and it was clear that we both really liked each other and put much effort in getting to know each other. He was always telling me how much of a lovely, fantastic, brilliant and attractive woman I am in his eyes and that he thinks so highly of me. He kept telling me and proving this things to me until the last time we met and then, not even 2 days afterwards, he told me that we should have left it there because he didn’t see us progressing and we don’t have enough in common in certain areas, which I don’t agree on. We have different backgrounds yes and we are from different countries (both living in London) but our personalities and goals in life do match.We had actually planned to have dinner together for his bday, the day after his text. He didn’t want to talk to me in person and not even by phone, then after a few texts exchanges, we stopped contacts from the 4th of this month.
I think he misunderstood his feelings and he took the wrong decisions.
Would there be any chance of him trying to reconcile with me in the future?
Maria
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 9, 2021 at 9:58 pm
Hi Maria, if you work on yourself and do not apply too much pressure in your situation then there is a chance, but you need to work on the Ungettable girl information.
Laura
February 2, 2021 at 3:19 am
My on and off again man of 8 months went from telling me a few months ago he’s going to marry me and then just broke up with me recently because he “doesn’t see a future here and can’t commit and it isn’t fair to keep me waiting for a chance he’ll change is mind.” He’s the first person I’ve seen myself with in a long time so I am invested and it sounds dumb but I don’t believe he actually means it, he does have serious commitment issues and keeps finding his was back to me. I’m not blind that he may be coming back bc it’s familiar. But I’m just wondering if there’s any hope here for us to get back together seriously with that small amount of info?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 5, 2021 at 12:44 pm
Hi Laura, so I hope you don’t take it the wrong way, but for someone to want to “marry you” in 8 months when you are on and off again. It is not a healthy sign. It seems he works more on impulse than actual feelings. You need to work out why your relationship is on and off first, and if there actually is a possibility of a stable healthy relationship with this person. Work on yourself, read the ungettable articles and the Holy trinity as this is going to help you.
Shannon
January 22, 2021 at 10:29 pm
My on and off again ex of 3 years broke up with me again. Claims there’s no future and that he’s wasting my time. He constantly walks out on us when he’s stressed with work. This is the fourth time. Every time he breaks up, he comes back a month or so later because to him it was a way to have a break and restart, when I mentioned he does this every time he said that it doesn’t matter because he has to end cycle. However, after same conversation he then agreed on a 30 day break. Ive been in No Contact for 2 weeks now and he hasn’t reach out. Claims he needs the time to focus on work/himself without distractions yet is active on social media. Is this savable? I got 70% on the quiz, but I don’t really believe he will come back. Whats your advice?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 25, 2021 at 5:12 pm
Hi Shannon, if you want to try to get your ex back, or want more time to move on then either way you need to follow a 30 day No Contact and work on yourself in that time, then when you reach day 28/29 you can decide if you want to reach out in attempts to follow this program or continue to move one
Sara
January 5, 2021 at 6:22 am
My ex of 6 months broke up with me a day after our holiday trip together via phone call saying he can’t project future with me anymore as he’s in his 31 this year and that we have different personalities, mindset, interest, culture etc. We also had some small fights when we were living together during lockdown but he was willing to work together on it. Im actually turning 22 and he sees that I’m changing a few behaviour but it’s not ideal for him. What does he mean by that? Its really painful for me because all I can think about is our awesome memories we had. I am so confused because he told me he has feelings with me but he is determined of giving this relationship up. Why wouldn’t he compromise and not giving us another chance? Will he ever come back again?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 11, 2021 at 7:41 pm
Hi Sara, for your best chance it is to follow the advice given and work on yourself during your no contact period.
Sean
December 17, 2020 at 6:10 am
We broke up a week ago we have dated for almost 3 years. I have cheated on her once in our time being together. And after that we will somewhat fine and okay and continued our relationship. Now she broke up with me because she said she couldn’t trust me anymore and that she will never trust me in the future. She said she don’t see us being together in the future so that is why we should breakup. I been trying to prove her that I am trustworthy but somehow she still doesn’t trust me. What should I do to that she believes that she can trust me and she can see a future with me.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 20, 2020 at 7:07 pm
Hi Sean, so if she doesn’t trust you I would suggest that you follow a short 21 day no contact and in that time be sure you avoid spending any time with any women who she may see as a threat. (non family etc) Then start reaching out with the texting phase that Chris suggests in his articles.