So, your ex was your best friend and you miss him, eh?
I understand your plight probably better than most experts out there because I literally deal with you (or a version of you) every single day. This puts me in an interesting position where I can help you.
And that’s what I intend to do.
Look, breakups by themselves can be extremely difficult to deal with but when you add in the fact that you view your ex as your BFF makes it that much more difficult.
So, you are kind of in this grey area right now where you have no clue on what you are supposed to do going forward.
Well, the fact that you miss your ex tells me something really interesting.
It tells me that more than anything you probably want things to back to the way they were before, right?
What if I were to tell you that, that wasn’t possible?
That even if you got your ex back things wouldn’t be the same.
Would you still want him back?
Hopefully you do because what I am going to teach you to do today is not only how to make your ex miss you but how to ensure that you build a foundation so that when you do get him back things will be better than they were before.
And perhaps the best part is that I am going to teach you how to do this in three simple steps.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz3 Simple How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend/Best Friend Back
I have a few goals with this article.
First and foremost I want to help you come up with a plan to get your ex back. However, I’d like to do it in a way that we can turn the tables on him and have him be the one missing you as opposed to the other way around.
So, without further ado here is my plan to help you get your ex boyfriend (who also happens to be your best friend) back,
- You need to first unlearn what you think you know about getting an ex back
- Next, you need to utilize the holy trinity
- Finally, you need to hack the chemistry of what is going on in your exes body
Lets look at each one of these things and go over them one by one.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz1. Unlearn What You Think You Know About Getting An Ex Back
What is your first reaction after you were broken up with?
Ok, maybe we just ignore that first reaction.
What was your second reaction?
It’s to beg for your ex back, right?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizI mean, they clearly made a mistake so why don’t we just help them right that wrong. But what if I told you that fighting for a relationship isn’t always everyones first response.
The Fight Or Flight Response Plays A Big Role
Not a lot of people realize this but when you go through a breakup your fight or flight response gets triggered.
That’s why some people run away after a breakup and you don’t hear from them while others try to fight for their relationship,
The problem is that often most of the people I work with think that fighting for their relationship involves,
- Begging
- Pleading
- Gnatting
- Stalking
But there are other ways to fight for your relationship.
Smarter ways!
And that is what I want to teach you about today.
The Smart Way To Fight For Your Relationship
Let me ask you a question.
On the fight or flight graphic above where do you think your ex falls?
Is he fighting for your relationship?
or
Is he running from it?
Well, most of the people that come to this website have engaged in their “fighting” response. After all, simply reading this article is a way of fighting. But exes, well, they tend to run away from their relationships.
This is an important thing for you to realize because it shows you the direction you are going,
That looks an awful lot like chasing, doesn’t it?
Our goal right now is to stop you from getting into a chasing mentality by shifting your paradigm.
Do you know what a paradigm is?
Paradigm: A typical example or pattern of something; a model.
We need to take the pattern he is used to and interrupt it,
And we are going to do that by understanding how he perceives you and changing that perception by utilizing a technique I like to call “The Holy Trinity.”
2. Utilize The Holy Trinity
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe more experience I get coaching individuals the more I realize that perception matters a lot more than you realize.
For example, lets say that you and your ex have broken up and he thinks,
She is going to get super depressed after this…
That simple little thought is how he thinks you are going to act after the breakup. It’s how he perceives you.
And lets say you prove him right by putting up depressing status updates on Facebook .
Well, his perception of you has just been proven as you’ve played right into what he thinks is going to happen.
(FYI, I speak from experience on this.)
But if you take the opposite approach and take specific actions to rebuild your life his perception of you begins to shift and that’s what I’d like to teach you to do today.
But how?
Well, that’s when you utilize “The Holy Trinity.”
What Is The Holy Trinity?
Not to get too wordy here but the holy trinity is simply a term I use to describe the symbiotic relationship between,
- Health
- Wealth
- Relationships
Last month I got sick.
And by sick I mean really sick,
Ok, maybe I wasn’t dying but I sure felt like it.
I ended up getting a flu and it literally took me out for three weeks. But when I actually got back to work I noticed something pretty interesting.
The numbers for my business were down across the board.
“What the hell is going on.”
I remember thinking.
What had happened is that since I wasn’t actively working the business suffered and put us in a tough spot. In other words, my wealth was impacted negatively.
Ah, but the story isn’t over.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizFeeling extreme pressure to play catch up at work I decided to work more than I normally would. So, instead of doing my daily workout I decided to allot that time towards actually working on my business.
Since I wasn’t working out I felt kind of bad about myself and since I was in a stressful situation financially I ended up eating just to make myself feel better.
(I know.. I know…)
Well, after some time I decided to make the mistake of stepping onto a scale.
180lbs…
I have never been that heavy in my life.
In other words, my health was impacted negatively.
The crazy part was how my health and wealth just went down so sharply.
But it highlights perfectly how the symbiotic relationship between health and wealth works.
What affects one negatively affects the other.
And that certainly applies to you in your situation with your ex.
Going through a breakup impacts your relationships negatively so it makes sense that your health and wealth can be less than stellar. But what if I told you that you could use this symbiosis to your advantage?
Using The Symbiotic Relationship To Your Advantage
One thing we have already established is that,
- Health
- Wealth
- Relationships
Have a symbiotic relationship.
So, what affects one negatively the others become impacted negatively by natural progression. But what if I told you that the inverse is also true. That if you actually took time to positively impact your health, wealth or relationships it would impact the others in a positive way.
This is the secret no one is telling you.
You see, most women who go through breakups let the breakup dictate their lives. They let their holy trinity fall to pieces. The successful ones end up taking control and reversing their fortunes.
And it is what you need to do if you want to shift your exes perception of you.
3. Hack The Physical Chemistry Of Your Ex
When it comes to getting an ex back so many people focus on what to say or what to do.
But my research has proven that what is more important than anything is what is happening inside your exes body.
Everything from what he is thinking (and not saying out loud) to the chemicals being released to his body just became your most important priority.
Consider for a moment that there are two versions of you that are vying for your exes attention.
- Version A
- Version B
Version A is identical to you in every way except your ex has an extreme amount of adrenaline, dopamine and oxytocin get released in his body when he is around “A.”
Version B on the other hand is identical to you in every way but only an average amount of chemicals get released in his body when he is around “B.”
Which one do you think he is more likely to commit to?
It’s probably going to be version A, right?
Even if “A” and “B” do identical things to get your ex back.
They aren’t created equally in his eyes and he will always choose “A” because in his opinion he feels more for her.
One thing we hear a lot of here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery is ex boyfriends who say,
“I don’t love you anymore.”
And women often freak out when their exes say this but if you really look at it chemically all he is really saying is that he no longer feels the feelings he felt for you at the beginning of the relationship.
I talk about that in depth in this video,
The important thing to understand here is that even with the most perfect strategy in the world you can still fail if internally your ex doesn’t feel like he is in love with you.
And that leads us to our next challenge.
How To Convince Your Exes Body That He Is In Love With You
Love is looked at as this grand thing.
Poets have written poems about it….
Philosophers have mused on it…
Authors have written books on it….
But the truth is that love is kind of bland when you understand what it is scientifically.
It’s actually nothing more than the right series of chemicals being released in your body.
To name a few,
- Adrenaline
- Dopamine
- Oxytocin
- Serotonin
So, understanding love from a scientific point of view we can actually reverse engineer the process and manufacture it.
As long as you tie whatever you do back to you in some way, shape or form.
MOE (misattribution of emotions) teaches us that this is an essential part to ensure that your ex associates the feelings he is feeling with you,
So lets say you want to make your ex associate love with you.
You essentially have your checklist of things that you need to do.
We know he needs to feel adrenaline.
Maybe you take him paint balling or to a haunted house to get his adrenaline up.
We know he needs to feel Dopamine
The interesting thing about dopamine is that it gets released as a way to encourage you to engage in a rewarding behavior or to avoid something really bad.
Lets stick to the positive aspect of things.
A great example of this is earning money.
The more money you make doing something the more your brain will release dopamine in order to encourage you to continue doing that thing.
Brainstorm some things you can do together to trigger his dopamine.
We know he needs to feel oxytocin
This is the cuddle hormone.
This is where kissing and sex comes into the equation. I would never recommend a client to sleep with their ex before they got him back.
However, making him think about it isn’t off limits.
We know he needs to feel serotonin
One of the best ways you can raise your exes serotonin levels is to work out together.
Exercise has been seen as helping increase the serotonin levels of the human body.
And if you exercise together he is likely to transfer those feelings onto you!
Conclusion
I totally understand if you feel this article ended too soon.
That totally wasn’t on purpose…. 😉
Here’s the thing.
If you have any questions about anything that I am talking about here and I know there will probably be a lot for this article don’t hesitate to ask in the comments below.
I can’t wait to have a conversation with you!
Gab
October 31, 2020 at 2:44 pm
Please help! My ex and I were in a relationship for 3 years, friends for 5, one year before and 1 year after the relationship kind ended, we never broke up he just kinda phase himself away. I recently found out he started seeing someone basically right away, I lost my mind confronted him and he asked for time/space and then I did all kinds of crazy stuff (called/text anytime he was with her, drove by her house, their job [he got her a job with a friend, now they both work their because he lost his job during the pandemic shutdown]), he found out I was doing this completely crazy stuff and told me that I “crossed to many boundaries and any friendship we had was over and he wanted no contact from me whatsoever.” I haven’t contacted him since (40 ish days now) but I can’t get him out of my head, I want my friend back, I care so much about him and he used to about me too. Help me, I think if he’d talk to me again we’d be okay, but he’s blocked me on Instagram and Facebook, 2days after his last text, then blocked my business page a month after, so I’m lost, I don’t want to text him afraid that it will push him again.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 31, 2020 at 4:03 pm
Hi Gab, so you need to reach 45 days before reaching out to him, but have you spent this time still doing thing like you mention above of have you been working on yourself in that time? I would say that as long as you have control of your emotions that you can reach out, but be prepared that he may not be willing to speak with you because of the actions you took when you found out about the other woman. It is going to take a lot of emotional control to gain back his trust.
Nessie
May 9, 2020 at 3:47 am
Hello, I am 21 and my ex is 23 we had been together for 3 years but before we got together we was Bestfriends he said he had no problem with me and I’m perfect and everything he wanted in a person but he doesn’t see a future for himself right now he says it’s not like I’m not the one he wants to wake up to every morning or be with forever he said it’s just him and he can’t continue hurting me he said he feels like he’s dragging me along on his path of not knowing what he wants it broke my heart because I never pressured him about the future EVER. He even mentioned that he might even regret this but every couple months he would ask him self when am I going to be ready…. I don’t know what to do it’s been 2 weeks and 3 days since we officially went into no contact 🙁 as didn’t want me to stray far but I told him it hurts to much so we had a 30 minute conversion on text just a little catch up from the 4 days we didn’t speak and he ended it with “ take care text me if you need me “ and I replied you too and have gone into the contact now I don’t know if how to feel or what to do as we have spent every day of our relationship talking at the start he would say all sorts about marriage and kids and now he’s unsure.
Charlotte
April 9, 2020 at 8:50 am
Thanks for your reply, Shaunna. When reading on your pages i see that no longer than 60 days no contact is recommended, as my ex will be over me at this time. It has already been almost 60 days. Can adding more time really help? Also, I am in a state where Im thinking this has to work out. However he is in a state where he is working on getting over me and he is focused on a life without me in it -at all-. Im sure he misses me a little, but he is very good at being strict with himself.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 9, 2020 at 9:51 pm
Hi Charlotte from what you told me last time yes. But if you are to reach out make sure it is a text that Chris suggests in his posts as you do not want to fall into the emotional categories, I just think the extra time is going to help you get that distance between you and allow him some time to be less reluctant in speaking to you
Charlotte
April 8, 2020 at 1:45 pm
Hello. How can this all apply if i do not see my ex on a regular basis? I tried a little longer than one month of NC, reached out and he still said i had to stop trying to make us work, even as friends, as it would never happen. He doesnt want to meet up or «talk too much», and does absolutely not want to talk over a phone call (does that mean he is still troublih with his feelings, or is he really just fed up and over me?). Im working on myself, however I cannot make him see it. What will be my next steps to make him want to meet up? We have no common good friends.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 8, 2020 at 4:36 pm
Hi Charlotte it sounds as if your ex is still angry / emotional about everything. So I suggest that you go back into another 30 day NC and then reach out with a text asking for advice rather than trying to him about your relationship. Read about the texting phase and watch some of Chriss videos before reaching out
HelpMe
January 2, 2020 at 4:22 pm
My ex broke up with me about two months ago because he didn’t want to be in a relation and didn’t love me as much as I loved him and we talked for an two weeks after that. Some of it was me asking for another chance and it was always me initiating the conversation. I decided to go into NC and it’s been right at 30 days. I saw him one time over that period and it was a couple days ago when we both went out for New Years. He saw me and walked in the opposite direction as his friends continued to come say hello to my friends and I. We haven’t talked at all and he hasn’t tried reaching out. I’m not sure what to do.
I deleted him on Snapchat and unfollowed him on Instagram but he still follows me on Instagram and facebook. I miss him so incredibly much please help. We were best friends and we were always happy together. You’re quiz says I had a 76% chance. We broke up once before this for the same reason but it lasted a week and we got back together. He’s the love of my life.. please help
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 3, 2020 at 1:31 am
Hey there so you did the quiz and answered the questions, have you read any articles? Have you started No contact and the work that is needed to go into the No Contact for it to work? Dont worry about social media for now and do not react to anything that you see him doing on there. Dont delete or block him on anything else. Or unblock him without reaching out if you can. Stick to your no contact and make sure you work on yourself and read as many articles that apply to your situation on this website it will really help you
Patricia
September 2, 2019 at 1:14 pm
Hello,
My boyfriend and I dated for two years before we decided to break up. He has two kids and every time we made plans, something came up. I didn’t get upset because I’m a parent as well and understood these things happen. But once it started to happen more often I expressed my frustration. He asked me to be patient cause he was gonna work on things to get better. I was patient. For two years. Nothing changed. I didn’t think it’s fair to put him thru all that pressure of making me happy and feeling guilty when he had to be with his kids. So i made the decision to break up. We talked and he didn’t want the break up. Asked if we could be friends cause he didn’t wanna lose that also. I said no. I need time. But now I’m regretting it and want to be friends. He was my best friend. I miss him. Should I talk to him and tell him we can remain friends?
Layna Jay
September 4, 2018 at 12:33 am
Chris,
I just stumbled upon this article and love it. But I would love your personal advice as well.
My now ex boyfriend was my best friend for two years before we dated. He was my safe person and I was his (his words). He broke up with me exactly a week ago, we were together for a year and 2 months. Giving me multiple reasons…. 1) I need to work on myself, that I forgot how to rely on myself. I very much agree with him on that but I also agree on if you love someone then you’re there for them through thick and thin.
2) he needs some time to figure out how he feels towards me. But not even a month ago was he talking about getting married and asking my friends to help him. He even told me while breaking up with me that I was the best girlfriend he has ever had. Almost every girl he dated, they cheated on him. When I love, I love with EVERYTHING I have and I know I fall short on that spectrum because I tend to lose myself when I love someone. If he wanted something, I got it for him. When he needed gas, I would fill his tank up because I knew he had to take care of his 10 year old son. And many times when he paid all of his bills and child support he was left with $20 to his name. So I helped him out a lot.
3) Another reason was because he needed to figure out how he can help his son and focus on his son. He needs to get a lawyer to gain full custody of his son to get the boy away from his mother. The mother is not good emotionally for the boy or healthy for him.
4) He felt that me losing him would help me get on track with earning my certification in Medical Coding and get a job in my field. And I mentally thank him for that kick in the butt but I also ask, did I have to lose the man I loved to get into a field I studied for.
(Back story, I took the exam a year ago and failed by 2 points. I’m retaking it very soon but have been scared for a year and a half to retake it)
Our relationship was amazing. And we were even better friends. Our communication did start going rocky because I felt I was lacking the affection I personally needed from a man. He was not into PDA, which I did not mind as I didnt like it either due to a past relationship where the guy was always all over me. But he lacked the affectionate side of him so much that our friends thought we were JUST friends, not bf and gf. I would bring it up to him at least every two months and he would change but then go right back to his old ways, saying he needed time to break his walls down. He got even less affectionate in the last two months. His family adores me. His Mom actually reached out to me two days after him and I split asking to meet for lunch. I told her I will let her know when I am emotionally up for it but would love to see her. His son LOVED me and adored me as well. He would constantly ask when I was coming over even when I didnt stop by so that they could have father son time. The people in his family who were protective and didnt get along with many of my ex’s gf’s loved me. And they were the first to add me on facebook, text me whatever. According to my ex, they have never done that before. Things that his son did, he never did before with my ex’s gf’s. Only to me.
He did make one promise to me… we meet up for coffee in exactly 6 months, so February next year and catch up. He told me he wants to see me do amazing, be in my field, and start moving out of my parents house.
When we were together he would talk about how our wedding will go, what silly things will happen. Whe we broke up we both told each we loved one another.
He is 36, I am 24.
He made it a point that he wants to remain friends, and hopefully get back together. To not hope for a relationship to bloom again but to look forward to meeting up again.
My questions are, what happened? What could be going through his mind? I keep thinking what if he finds someone new? What if I’m forgotten? What if I’m heartbroken when we meet again because we dont have another chance?
I miss my best friend. The person I could call up and go have a drink with. His laugh after I did something stupid and he would then help me up. Just him in general, he was an amazing human being with the perfect soul. We clicked the moment we met. I’m not mad at him at all, I cant be. But I’m upset and shocked at how things changed so suddenly.
Chris Seiter
September 4, 2018 at 9:30 pm
Hi Layna!
Some of his reasons really sound a bit too much. So if he wants his space, then certainly grant it to him. But you should employ your own form of No Contact with an emphasis on healing and self recovery activities. Go take a look at my 247 page eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” which you can find on my site’s home page. It is filled of insights and ideas for you during this period.
Angelica
April 15, 2018 at 8:25 am
Chris, I need some advice please. This might be long but I need to get this off my chest. My ex and I met when we were 13 and got together at 14. We had an on/off relationship but he finally broke up with me “for good” (his words) in August 2016 after a total of 10 years together and at a time I needed him most. I did not take it well at all and kept texting /calling him as he said he still wanted to be friends. A month later I ask if we can talk in person and he hesitates but agrees. Mistakenly I beg for another chance. He says it might happen but he also says that he started dating someone a few weeks after our breakup. I didnt take this well. I continue to annoy him months later and ask if we can talk in person again. He said that his girlfriend didnt want him to talk to me. He then blocks me completely a couple days before new years eve 2016. 2017 comes along and I have absolutely no contact with him for months. March 2017 he tries to text me multiple times if we can talk and asking to apologize. I text back that we can talk but it never takes place as he never called or texted back. Early April 2017 comes along and I get a text from him again that he would like to apologize and see me at the college I was going to. I agree. We meet up and he tells me that he just broke up with his girlfriend as she cheated on him with her ex. They had a pretty bad breakup but overall a decent happy relationship. He tells me that he still missed me the whole time and wanted to talk to me. He goes to see me over the next 2-3 weeks and we talk about their relationship. He tells me, “I knew I had grown up when I pictured myself with someone else as my future other than you.” I didnt say anything but I was hurt as I never wanted anyone else but him. Feelings were still there as he tried to kiss me multiple times throughout the weeks but I never let him as I was still hurt. During that time I tell him exactly what I wanted from him in order to win me back and to take things between us slowly to which he agrees. May 2017, I am out of school and he visits me at home. Everything goes well and we start making plans for my 25th birthday. Later in May, I notice that he would stop texting and calling me as much as he used to. June 2017 came and he would occasionally text me. My 25th birthday and I end up spending it alone and he justs texts me a happy birthday around midnight. A week later I get a call from a number and I answer it. It was my ex’s girlfriend that cheated on him. She tells me that they had gotten back together and had been together again for a month (to my huge surprise as I didn’t know and he didn’t tell me) and to please stop talking to him. I agree and was in shock. Weeks go by and he doesn’t make any effort to talk to me and I don’t talk to him. Mid July 2017 I end up confronting him at his house (big mistake) asking what happened and why he got back together with his girlfriend. He apologizes and says that he didn’t think anything was going to happen between us again and he missed her. I was just in shock. We then stop talking again for a few days. He then calls me late at night saying that he’s sorry and wants to continue his relationship with her and doesn’t want me anymore (meaning he finally picked her over me) but still wants me in his life and hang out as just friends. Again I do not take this well. I go to his house next morning (biggest mistake ever) begging and pleading to please stay with me. I was dead set on staying with him despite everything that had happened. He finally agrees and breaks up with his girlfriend. Later July, August, September 2017 we continue to fix our relationship and take it slow. Not officially back together but taking it day by day. I go back to college late August 2017 and I turn down multiple dating offers from different guys despite not being in an actual relationship with my ex. I never wanted anyone else and only pictured myself with him. Mid September 2017 my ex and I go out but we start to focus on school and work. October 2017 and my ex and I didn’t hang out again or talk much anymore. I start to make friends with a guy in my class. We talk and hang out around the school and late October 2017, he asks to date me. I didn’t flat out reject him like the other guys. Something about him was different. I say that it was too soon and to take it slower. (Yes I was single but I was still not over my ex at all). He accepts it. We start to hang out and talk more and more but I would still occasionally also try to text my ex. November 2017 and my ex and I would talk a little but not much and I felt like he wasn’t putting in much effort and would never reply to my texts. I grow closer and closer to the new guy. December 2017 comes and I invite my ex to my college graduating even though we had not talked at all in weeks. He is not able to go due to work but my new friend goes. My ex asks to take me out to celebrate my graduation. I ask the new guy how he felt about it despite still being single and he is not thrilled at all but does not stop me. My ex and I go to dinner and talk and watch tv. He tries to kiss me but I do not let him due to my feelings for the other boy although I do not tell him about the new boy. My ex gets upset but accepts it. We do not hang our again but still talk. January 2018 the other boy asks me to be his girlfriend again but I do not accept, as it was too close to the anniversary I had with my ex. I tell him this and he gets upset and says that I still think about my ex. Mid January 2018 my mental health takes a toll and I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything and I stop texting my ex. February 2018 the other boy asks me to be his girlfriend again and I finally say yes. March 2018 and I still have not talked to my ex. Spring break my ex puts a picture on snapchat of some roses with the caption “Bought some flowers for the only 2 women in my life that have not let me down: my mom and sister”. I don’t comment even though I easily could have given him many examples when he let me down and I forgave him. He would view my snaps but would never try to talk to me. April 2018 and I still have not talked to my ex in almost 3 months. He stills views my snaps on snapchat but still doesn’t try talking to me. I am starting to really miss him. The thing is my ex was my absolute best friend and I miss talking to him. My ex was my best friend for years and I miss that connection and friendship that we used to have. I asked my boyfriend what he thought if I were to start talking to my ex again and he did not like it. He said that he did not want me talking to my ex or any other guy that has any feelings for me even if they are friends and to respect his wishes. I think he also senses that I still do have some feelings for my ex. I admit that I do. I understand because he has had terrible past relationships and has been consistently cheated on. My current boyfriend does make me happy and is so sweet. He makes me feel so loved and would do anything for me but some days I feel like we do not have that friendship connection especially like the one I had with my ex. Friendship in a relationship has always been very important to me and is one of the things I require in a relationship. I keep thinking about what my ex said, “I knew I had grown up when I pictured myself with someone else as my future other than you.” His ex was 2 years older than him and my current boyfriend happens to be 2 years younger than me. I think I am starting to picture myself with my current boyfriend much to my surprise as I never could in the past and never wanted anyone else. I guess that’s what we both needed to grow up. Being with other people. Although I cant shake the feeling of wanting to talk to my best friend. Friday the 13 I kept thinking about him, as it is one of his favorite days. I saw his parents at the grocery store last weekend and they saw me although I did not acknowledge them. Judging by their faces I don’t think they wanted to talk to me anyway. I really do miss talking to my ex and hanging out with him. I feel like I should at least apologize to my ex about why I stopped talking to him. He does know about my mental health issues so I think he would understand. I feel like I should also tell him about my current boyfriend as he still doesn’t know about him and he at least told me about his new girlfriend. Should I talk to him? I wanted to call him or should I text him? His 26th birthday is also coming up in a few days.
Chris Seiter
April 18, 2018 at 4:26 am
Hi Angelica! Writing out your thoughts can be very therapeutic. So I suggest you do more of it. Keep a journal. The go back and read what you write. You might learn something about yourself. My sense is that you seem to have a boyfriend now that you connect well with and treats you well. Maybe he is not everything you want him to be. But who is. Imagine if he was missing from your life. You would likely be thinking about him as much as you are still thinking about your ex right now. Move forward with the gifts you have in your life now. Treasure your memories of the past, but don’t dwell on them.
Angelica
April 19, 2018 at 6:19 am
Thank you so much for the advice Chris. Funny thing is I actually did keep a journal of my thoughts when we broke up but I stopped after about 7 months. I also consistently visited your website for about a year. I think you’re right about how I would feel if my now boyfriend was gone from my life. I was actually also thinking about that recently. Another funny thing that I was remembering is that when my ex was describing his ex to me, he admitted that almost everything about her personality was pretty much exactly like me. She was like a 2 year older version of me. I’m kind of thinking that my boyfriend is very similar to my ex also. Like a 2 year younger version of him. Its funny how life works sometimes.
Chris Seiter
April 19, 2018 at 3:19 pm
Hi Angelica…interesting observation.
keshah
April 13, 2018 at 6:19 pm
how do you do the body chemistry thing if it was long distance (UK to us)?
Chris Seiter
April 14, 2018 at 3:22 am
Yep, hard to have great physical chemistry when you aren’t together. But when you are, that is when you can shine.
E
February 18, 2018 at 11:36 pm
Hello,
My ex and I have dated for 3.5 years and we have broken up two times during our third year before but got back about 2 weeks after each break up so there wasn’t a lot of time to heal or improve any problems. We’ve always gone to different schools throughout our entire relationship so we were used to not seeing each other all the time so we had to put in the extra effort to visit each other. The root problem from this was that we didn’t have a lot of time to see each other and my dad didn’t know about our relationship so he couldn’t come over to my house unless my dad wasn’t there. I tried my best to visit him and see him but I would only be very affectionate with him if I saw him often and if we were in private places but again, this was hard to do because we couldn’t see each other often. We just had different ways of showing each other love and sometimes that was misunderstood. Recently, we entered different colleges but we still had access to visit each other. At first I was upset that he wouldn’t text me as often, but I just assumed whenever he didn’t text back that he was busy, so I wouldn’t overly text him. Our relationship was fine in the past few months (or so I thought), we called each other more often, texted each other more, and I tried my best to visit him and I was fine with the relationship. However, recently i had to get a procedure done because I was in pain for a few weeks. I decided to prioritize my health over my relationship with him and I guess this caused me to distance myself from him, making him feel unloved and unsupported. I knew he was very stressed because of his major, he would not sleep well, he didn’t eat well, and so I decided to just not worry him more with my health, I would just tell him I’m feeling a bit better, which wasn’t a lie. Health is a just a topic that causes me to be more anxious especially when I discuss it with other people.
So two weeks after my colonoscopy, I was still scared about my health and I wanted to heal mentally so I wanted to stay home that day. He got a bit upset at me wanting to stay home so he tried facetiming me but I was a little bit irritated because he asked for money beforehand over text and I was assuming he spent all his money on clothes which is a bad habit of his. He hung up because I was irritated and I told him the reason why over text but then he kind of blew up on me and told me he wanted to break up or give him some time to think and that’s when he confessed to me that he’s been smoking and didn’t want to tell me because he knew I hated it. I was so confused and hurt, because just a few days before, we were talking about baby names and moving in together this summer and i felt betrayed. i wasn’t sure if this stress was building up in him and I triggered it, or if it was just a rash decision. After that, he just stopped texting me back and I decided to just leave him alone after sending him a text saying I understood he needed space from me. A week later, it was Valentines Day, and I just broke down and texted him and he told me he didn’t want to talk to me and wanted to break up. He told me I needed to find happiness on my own and he needed to do the same. I accepted it but I wanted some answers as to why he wanted to and he kept saying it was him and that he needed to get himself together. I decided to just pour all my feelings to him and he was a bit more responsive and kind. In no way was I trying to get him to stay with me because it was obvious he couldn’t handle a relationship at this point. I knew that it was over but he promised me that he will talk to me eventually about everything he’s been feeling when he’s settled himself. He says he hopes we can talk as friends one day and he realizes we weren’t meant to be.
The next day, he texted me happy chinese new years and I responded thanks and he was just texting me normally until he just stopped responding. The day after, I texted him for help for something and he texted back very quickly, was very amicable about it and texted me normally too. In these two conversations, I didn’t over text him or bring up past issues, except he did explain why he asked for money and I apologized for getting mad. I know we’re on good terms and that eases me but there are a lot of things I’ve been reflecting about our relationship and I still don’t know the true reason he broke up with me. His reason for breaking up just wasn’t enough and I knew there was more to it so I’m just waiting until he’s ready to talk. Even though he says we’re not meant to be, I think we just had bad timing and we didn’t have a lot of freedom, so it caused the relationship to strain but I also believe that we can make it work now if those things are resolved. Of course, I won’t jump into anything and move too fast to get him back with me if he’s not ready but I just think the relationship ended because he needed time on his own to improve himself and I’m also prepared to improve my well-being and I’ve reflected a lot on what went wrong in the relationship. I know right now, he’s definitely not ready for a relationship but I know we still love each other. I’ve forgiven him for lying because I understood why he did it and I don’t have any grudges against him and he’s not the type to hold grudges either.
Now I’ve been in NC for two days so far and I’m hoping to keep that up but the thing I’m thinking is if he contacts me during this time telling me he’s ready to talk about everything, if that’s a good enough reason to get off NC or if I should wait longer than 30 days of NC if he still isn’t ready for the talk? I was thinking that after he decides he’s ready to discuss everything with me, that I ask to develop a friendship with him instead of going straight back into a relationship and build from there. I’m still very sad about the break up and I miss him so much because he was like my best friend but I have been posting more often and just confiding in close friends to help me get through this. I’ve also been focusing on hobbies that I used to love.
He treated me great and he was so kind and sweet to me. He loved me a lot, we discussed spending our future together but I think we just both need to be happy individually before we have any chance to be happy together and I need some advice on what to do.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 20, 2018 at 2:28 pm
Hi E,
Talk, if he just gave you the reason for the break up and didn’t get back together with you to work things out, restart nc and stick to it because you already talked.
Alicia
February 13, 2018 at 10:29 pm
My ex broke up with his girlfriend. We went on a date shortly after, had a great time but the next day he became distant. It’s been over a week and he seems annoyed when we talk. We use to talk every single day. He says he’s trying to figure stuff out but I don’t know what to do at this point. Do I go into NC and give him space?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 18, 2018 at 1:38 pm
Hi Alicia,
How long was your first relationship with him and how many times have you broken up?