Seduction 101 - How To Seduce Your Ex Boyfriend

128 thoughts on “Seduction 101: How To Seduce Your Ex Boyfriend”

Emma

July 9, 2015 at 2:01 am

Hi Chris,

I’m really hoping you can give me some input on this, it’s super hard to understand the motivations behind my ex’s actions.

I dumped my ex in 2009, after a 3 year relationship. We were too young for a serious commitment and were each others first boyfriend/girlfriend so I felt like we needed to play the field, even though our relationship was mostly great.

Fast-forward 8 years, and he contacts me out of the blue, wanting to meet up for old time’s sake. I agreed, and we had a lovely coffee and a great conversation, just like while we were dating. He ended up coming to my house and yes, we slept together, but I didn’t want or expect any more than that one night, since he was being deployed the next day and would be gone for well over a year. In fact I never expected to hear from him again.

I was very surprised when, three months later, he contacted me again! We had a very nice conversation over about two days (which I would say progressed to heavy flirting), but then I sent a reply and never heard back, so I left it for a month and did not attempt to contact him in any way (though I did check every day to see whether he had finally replied).

Well, during that month, I was thinking a lot about our relationship, and I started to wonder if maybe there was still a connection between us so after waiting a month, I decided to message him again, just a short message to see how he was.

Again we talked for about two days (and he sent me this cute story he had written about me) but then I sent him a message two days ago and he didn’t reply.

What do you think was his original motivation for getting in touch again, and why do you think he messaged me after three months? Do you think he maybe wants to get back together? I am considering it because I know now (after 8 years apart) that I will always have feelings for this guy, but I am quite confused by his behaviour as it seems very hot and cold. It’s only 6 months now until he gets back, and I am currently single, so I’m wondering, should I wait for him to see if there is anything, or is he just playing with me?

Chris Seiter

July 16, 2015 at 6:31 pm

Hmm… was sex talked about a lot during your conversation?

Kristin

July 8, 2015 at 10:05 pm

So my ex and I flirt but he is unsure about getting back together. We were texting the other day about how I m working out to get in shape and he was like I will be here as much as you need me to to help. Also I mentioned being nervous about a doctors appointment and he said I will go with you. Isn’t he acting like a supportive boyfriend? What can I do to get him to commit..he is up and down like saids no way and then it’s a maybe and now he saids stuff like this. Help!

Kristin

August 6, 2015 at 11:36 pm

Um can you help idk what to do please
Kristin

July 17, 2015 at 4:36 am

Also he seems to want to care for me which he said. He wants to take care of me even though I don’t need him to he loves me and always will. But he won’t commit he keeps thinking this won’t work or he isn’t sure…I want this bad what do I do!???!!!!!!!
Kristin

July 16, 2015 at 11:21 pm

How do I fix this to where he wants to commit?
Kristin

July 16, 2015 at 7:48 pm

What should I do he is coming over to work out with me we always end up having sex…
Kristin

July 9, 2015 at 12:55 am

Do you think I have a chance? Do you think this could work? What should I do?
Chris Seiter

July 16, 2015 at 6:30 pm

I sure do.
Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:20 pm

He is but lets see if he actually shows up for the appointment.
Kristin

July 8, 2015 at 10:08 pm

Also to add in we have slept together…he saids this is more then a one night stand and that he has never stopped loving me…but this is less then a relationship. He doesn’t know if we will work one minute and the next he saids it won’t How do I get it to a relationship? And he said those nice things about the doctor appoint and working out like yesterday. Help!!!!
Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:20 pm

I really wish you hadn’t of crossed that line by sleeping with him.

S

July 6, 2015 at 4:33 am

He has a new girlfriend, yet he talks about the times we’ve had sex when we text. I always lead him on to the hard flirting and he’s so responsive that he ends up saying, “I so want you right now”. I exit the conversation at that moment as I pretend to have fallen asleep while texting. Everything goes just like the way I want it to.

But the problem is, whenever I tell him he has to commit to me to get the sex, he takes a U-turn and says he can’t because he’s with her. Then I’m like, okay fine. After this I do a month long NC on him. He texts me during NC too, but I never reply. When I’m done with my full month NC, we start texting again, we flirt again, we end up having the sex talks again. This goes on and on, Chris. There never comes a point when he’s actually wanting to commit to me. All because he can’t leave his new girlfriend.

How do I break this pattern? I’ve done the push-and-pull many times and I’m always in control of myself. It’s seems like he’s used to the pattern by now. This has been going on for about 3-4 months now. Before that I always ended up sleeping with him cause I didn’t have the self control back then. Now I don’t sleep with him,i just engage him in sex talks, that’s it.

S

July 11, 2015 at 4:56 am

But even if she does find out, won’t it hurt my chances? She might blame me for talking sexually with him, knowing that they are together.
Should I go back into NC? He’s very used to me doing NC on him now, though. It doesn’t affect him much now.
Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:38 pm

Sounds like he is not very good to his current girlfriend.

Well, I think you have the seduction part down pat. The issue with you seems to be the fact that sex is all he wants. We need to find a way to break this habit.

Hmm… if only his new girlfriend could find out that he is talking about you in a sexual way…

Trying to Stay in No Contact

July 5, 2015 at 5:36 pm

Sorry for all the messages, but I think this last tidbit is important to include: we’ve been committed and monogamous, but dating for 9-10 months and he was having some issues with family and things slowed down, he apologized letting me know that when he is dealing with hardships in his life he goes off the grid to think things out (he was quiet on his end first), but anyway, so we do not have that “fb official” I call him boyfriend outright, rather than the guy I am seriously dating, so that’s probably also why I am insecure. I want to move into that level which is why I am also doing this NC, but I do not want other girls coming around and messing this up possibly because I am not around!

Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:40 pm

I definitely think NC is the way to go for you.

Trying to Stay in No Contact

July 5, 2015 at 5:24 pm

Can I possibly shorten my NC to 15 or 21 days? Or that will ruin re-establishing my value with him, rebuilding the attraction, and resetting my image?

Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:39 pm

21 days is as low as I would go.

Trying to Stay in No Contact

July 5, 2015 at 4:42 am

I am also pissed at myself because I feel like I don’t take enough “classy seductive” headshots or pictures with girlfriends and this girl seems like the master with them and as you said, I know men are visual creatures! Argh. I am just not in a place right now where I would have photos like that and going out. I do go to the gym pretty often and am bettering myself, but still. The distance sucks.
Trying to Stay in No Contact

July 5, 2015 at 4:39 am

Hey Chris,

I am currently in day 14 of a 30 Day NC period and the guy I am seeing, we are not broken up, but I have gone into NC to kind of reassert my image (I was texting and centering my life around him too much, and he was starting to take my presence and attention for granted. He knows I am studying for my grad school exam and applying to school, so there is an “excuse” for me to be MIA, but I have never been so quiet), so anyway, I saw he just became friends with this girl on fb, and he has new friends all the time, but this is the first person I have seen who is childless, single, and seems like a flirt from her photos and in his area (we are long distance). I am sooo tempted to “remind” him of me or tell this girl, “Just so you know, he and I are together, so don’t try any #$%@” but I sure neither is a good idea so please give me some advice to remain in NC and not do something crazy! I am so pissed because of where my mind is going! He and I are both attractive and hit on all the time but I don’t want him even entertaining this girl. I know he adds like anybody on fb but I am feeling paranoid (he has almost 3000 friends).
zola009

July 2, 2015 at 6:05 pm

Amazing post Chris!
Loved the jaws reference!!! As usual you nailed it 🙂
I did leave a voice note but I have no idea how the replies work :p
Would you be emailing me back? How exactly do i get in contact with you?
Really need your opinion and help!
Ps: loved class today 🙂

Chris Seiter

July 9, 2015 at 12:18 am

Thanks for the kind words.

Yes if you get picked for the podcast I do email you.

What’s your name on the podcast voicemessage and I can have a listen right now.

Kaylee

July 2, 2015 at 2:42 pm

Hey Chris. So first off your websites & podcasts are amazing! Anyway, my ex broke up with me about 5weeks ago. His reason was he just had a gut feeling that things would never be long term. He said he’s often very guarded & scared to get hurt as well. I was completely blind sided by it as well. Things were going amazing. We got along great, I even met his friends. So I’ve been doing the no contact & I finally reached out to him earlier this week. I at 1st sent a text but I have an iPhone & saw it wasn’t delivered, even after 10 minutes so I assumed he blocked me. So I sent a facebook message, which we’re still friends on there by the way. It said that he read it within a few minutes & when I went back to my text, it now says it was delivered. So why would he have read my FB message then go & unblock me but STILL not respond. He’s really into martial arts, jui jitsu, to be exact, & I actually started doing muy Thai. Part of my self improvement & great workout 😉 so I tried to connect to him with that & said it just reminded me of him. I was very positive; happy. So what should I do? Should I try to reach out again? He still hasn’t unfriended or Blocked me. I really felt like this was going somewhere with him. I hate that he never gave it a chance. Please help with any advice. Thank you so much for anything!!

Kaylee

July 17, 2015 at 11:28 pm

Hey there Chris. Thank you for the link. However, I’m not sure if that’s very helpful/applies to me since he hasn’t even responded to me at all. I’ve sent 3 messages total. Did a something reminded me of him, a remembering something he loves, & asking him about the name of a movie we watched. Nothing…. Sooooo, sorry I guess im one of the lucky ones that gets to be put in your small pile of exboyfriend recovery not working. I tried my hardest to get him back but nothing. It’s been over 7 weeks since he broke up with me. Did no contact, bettered myself, posted fun things on FB, & reached out with positve texts. :-/ ugh. But I just wanted to say anyway thanks for the help. I don’t want to keep bothering him if he is clearly not interested anymore.
Kaylee

July 10, 2015 at 1:09 am

Hey Chris, I’m not sure what the tide theory is. Where would I find it? And thank you for answering !

On a side note, I’ve reached out 2 times via text with positive things & remembering good times. He’s still not responding :-/
Chris Seiter

July 16, 2015 at 10:13 pm

Listen to this,

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/episode22/
Chris Seiter

July 9, 2015 at 12:20 am

Thanks for reading and listening to the podcast!

Go ahead and reach out again and go relisten to my tide theory lessons.

Urgent

July 2, 2015 at 4:16 am

Hello, my ex and I have been apart for nearly 6 weeks now. We were together for 2 1/2+ years, of which we lived together for a year and the last 8 months were long distance. In short, he broke up with me because he wasn’t ready (he’s 25 and I’m 26) for me to move across the country for our relationship–it felt very much like a proposal. Long distance had also been hard for us, and I became somewhat jealous of his best girl friend and controlling. The break up itself was very sad and he kept saying how much he loved me and wanted this to work and even said “I shouldn’t say this but a big part of me thinks I am going to regret this and want you back but it’s not fair of me to say that.” Anyway, since the break up, we exchanged he checked in on me a few times the weekend right after (to make sure I got where I was supposed to be going) and he contacted me on day 6 to ask if he could call the following week. After 3 days, I said no, that we should hold off after asking if there was something specific he wanted to talk about (no, ‘just wanted to chat every once in a while’) and then went on no contact. We almost got to 30 days when he contacted me at the 5 week mark to ask if I wanted to talk before he went abroad for the summer and after 10 hours, I said no, that it wasn’t a good time because I was also traveling this week but wished him a safe trip and said we’d catch up soon. Since yesterday was his birthday, I decided it was as good a time as any to break NC so I said “Happy birthday, hope it was a good one” and made a comment with a funny memory of ours from when we were in that country together 2 years ago. He saw it right away, I could tell from his being on Facebook messenger, but didn’t respond for 8 hours at which point he just said “Thanks! I plan on it!” What do you make of all of this? I was somewhat disappointed with his response but also felt that it was a good sign he didn’t just respond right away with “haha thanks” because that would have indicated he’s moved on and considers me just a friend. Is there a chance for us to work it out and what should I do next? I should also mention that his parents and I are on very good terms (his mom cried about us breaking up and we have had a number of conversations since) and that ironically, I’m moving out to near him for graduate school anyway so long distance will no longer be an issue come September. Thoughts? Thank you!!

Urgent

July 21, 2015 at 3:44 am

Hi again, one update to my tale: I texted him today (10+ days since my last text) to let him know I decided to go to grad school near where he lives (it was important to me that he hear it from me – as that’s the tone of courtesy and respect I’d like to set for our break up, should it stand, going forward). I said “Hey, hope your trip is going well! I wanted to let you know that I decided to go to __school__ and was offered a full scholarship. Just thought you should hear it from me! Hope all is well” He saw it right away but waited an hour to respond and then said “Congrats on the scholarship! Sounds like it was the right decision for you with the money and ___a few other factors___. And I’m doing well here, thanks. Good luck with the move and transition” What do you think? Seems pretty cold to me, so I’m wondering if he’s over it and confident that he doesn’t want to get back together. I know you didn’t have a chance to respond to my previous reply, but if you could please respond to both, I would really, really appreciate it. Going back into NC for now, as I feel like I’m losing him…
URGENT

July 14, 2015 at 12:01 pm

Hi Chris, Not sure if my original reply went through so I’m trying again. In short, yes and no. I think the bigger issue was him not feeling ready but the long distance contributed in that long distance caused a lot of issues (which I would think planted some doubts in his mind) and the pressure of my move out there to end long distance felt very much like a proposal to him, which he didn’t feel ready for. Update since my last message: I’ve been trying to follow your long distance rules pretty closely and the closest I could do to a meme (that still felt natural) was sending him a picture from my trip that is the setting for one of his favorite TV series and said “Recognize this from a certain series?” He replied 10 minutes later “Hmm not really haha. Maybe –name of series–? It’s beautiful though” and after like half an hour I said “You got it? –Exact scene it appeared in–, a friend tells me? Leaving wifi now but talk later” and he said “Ah cool. Sounds good! Hope the travels are going well.” Would you consider this a positive or neutral response? And where do I go from here–should I wait for him to initiate a text with me or jump into the nostalgic text? Do nostalgic texts like you recommend ever come off as needy to guys? I’m a little hesitant on that one since expressing interest in him sees like the wrong move, when he broke up with me. Thoughts on where you think he stands and if I might have a shot here?
Chris Seiter

July 9, 2015 at 12:20 am

Do you think long distance was a huge reason for your breakup initially?

Molly

July 1, 2015 at 7:54 pm

What if you’re trying to trying to seduce your ex who also happens to be the father of your newborn baby? My ex comes over to see our baby boy a few times a week. Although he has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to be with me, and wants completely separate lives. .. he will text me randomly and tell me that he misses his baby. He’s even gotten borderline flirty with me thru his texts about our baby. ..it confuses me. I would like to get back together, and part of me thinks he would too…but maybe his ego is in the way? .. He had the major “my life is over” freak out when I was pregnant and pushed me away. Any tips on how to seduce my baby daddy? -Molly
Tina Tinkerbell

July 1, 2015 at 7:31 pm

Hi Chris,

Love the corny opening. It always feels like class to me and I’ve been studying your notes very closely now for months. The Jaws analogy is brilliant, because it is going to be easy to remember this in real life.

Chris, after 6 months of no contact I followed the advice you gave me back in April. To wait a bit longer and then to send a text.

First let me say our break up was very ugly. Very very ugly (caught him cheating). He got extremely vengeful which caused me tremendous distress. I am still hurting.

Anyway, I finally texted him and he replied. This was followed a day later by an e-mail from him asking me to join him for coffee. I coolly agreed and last week I saw him for the first time this year. He wanted more time with me, but I kept it short. He wants to meet up again, possibly this weekend. I continue to play it friendly, but real cool.

I don’t know yet if I want him back, but am nevertheless following all your advice on here until I know for sure.

Chris, I have lost a lot of weight, toned up and back to wearing size small again. I am looking better than I have in a very long time. Yet I don’t feel sexy anymore due to how worthless the breakup made me feel. How do I get my sexy back? How will I ever be able to bring myself to flirt while feeling like this?

Please, how about an article about feeling sexy again after all the hurt and doubts following a bad breakup? Maybe you can speak to your pretty wife and other women and tell us what they do that makes them feel sexy? What gives them that feeling and confidence? I’ve lost mine completely. 🙁

(Just got another e-mail from him asking me out as I was typing this)

Tina Tinkerbell

July 17, 2015 at 7:52 pm

LOL I’m a work in progress!
Tina Tinkerbell

July 12, 2015 at 8:30 pm

Thanks for the reply, Chris.

Congrats to you and your wife. You’re going to be a great dad.

I have dated other guys this year. It started raining men after the breakup and I’ve had 5 pursuing me! Who knew?! lol I guess I just need time to get my confidence back and for my mind to catch up with my new slimmer figure.

I’ve seen him 2 more times since I first posted to this article. He most recently bought me a gift, has bought tickets for a show that will only hit town in 3 weeks and has plans for us with his folks. The best part is the way he has been checking me out when he thinks I’m not looking. I have kept our communications short and sweet. I want to be chased, courted and finally get a real commitment.

I’m going to read several of your articles again as I know there is still a long way to go and I want to get it right. I’m staying level headed.

Thanks for your devotion to this site, Chris. I value and trust your advice 100%. There quite simply is no other site like it. Well, actually there is that male one, but that’s yours too, Peter Pan. 😉
Chris Seiter

July 16, 2015 at 10:31 pm

Thanks Tina,

It’s rainin men!! Hallelujah! It’s rainin men…

You got some game Tinkerbell I’ll give you that.

Thanks for all the kind words and keep me updated.
Chris Seiter

July 9, 2015 at 12:23 am

Welcome to class Tinkerbell!

I loved the Jaws thing too. I hope people connected with it like you do.

To be honest this might sound horrible but maybe go flirt with a few other guys (not your ex) to feel like you are still wanted by men to get some confidence back.
Tina Tinkerbell

July 1, 2015 at 7:43 pm

Chris, how utterly bloody rude of me to forget to say THANK YOU for getting me this far. Your guidance on here is the only thing that has gotten me through the breakup. I’ve read and reread all your articles. I took no contact all the way to 6 months, because I believe 100% in what you are saying.

I want to say to all the other women reading this: please READ what Chris is saying in his articles. Study it! His work is well researched and thought out. He knows what he is talking about. Try to control those emotions, as overwhelming as they can be, and think logically. I am one of his “mature” students and even I have learned so much from him. Trust what he is sharing with us on this site and you will have a much better shot at getting your ex back.
Chris Seiter

July 9, 2015 at 12:22 am

If I’m Peter Pan that makes you tinkerbell!

We can be the “ex back” version haha.

Thanks for the kind words. I really apprecaite it

M.

June 30, 2015 at 5:46 pm

Hi! I went on a date with a guy and he was very clear and honest with me, from what he said I got that he doesn’t really want a relantionship but just have a good time. He speaks to me on fb sometimes but just in a friendly tone..I’m wondering is there a way of ”changing” his mind and make him actually want a relantionship with me??he’s 4 years older than me..about 28.. It’s a good age to settle down but he told me that at some point he lived together with a girl but they broke up..from what I undertood that must have been at least a year ago. the one and only time we went on a date yes he tried to go further when we were at his Car but I stopped him when he got further than kissing cause I needed to expain some things like that I’m not ‘experienced’..That’s then when he told me that he just wants to have a good time and that he doesn’t want to put pressure on me,that he doesn’t see it like anybody is taking advantage of the other..I really liked him cause it’s the First time I kiss someone that’s as good as my ex ..so we continued without having sex..But now it’s been weeks since we talked..and I saw he commented on a girls photo that he added after me and we’re mutual friends,showing they have some kind of contact..What I do so wrong? Can yopu help me plese..no one can give me an answer.. What can i do?

M.

July 22, 2015 at 6:12 pm

Yes he didn’t say it but that’s what he meant..I talked to him the other day and now nothing again..I really don’t know how to deal with it?How you can seduce such a guy??What can I do?
Chris Seiter

July 9, 2015 at 12:34 am

So, he was honest with you up front about not wanting a relationship?

Barbara

June 30, 2015 at 3:08 pm

Hi Chris. I hope you had a nice break and it is good to see you are back.

I have one question.

I completed NC, sent the first text message (like an example in your book) and got neutral response (“That’s nice”). Since I am following your book, I went back to NC for some time and then sent less threatening message. This time I got a little bit better than neutral response. I think I should go back to NC again as I still have not gotten any positive response.

However I have a situation where I need to go to a bank with him to cash a cheque in joint name. I want to cash this cheque quite badly. Am I allowed to do this or should I avoid it ? I am aware that in person meeting should be done only after enough emotional rapport is established.

Chris Seiter

July 9, 2015 at 12:35 am

You can break NC for things like this I believe.

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128 thoughts on “Seduction 101: How To Seduce Your Ex Boyfriend”