Your feet hit the pavement repetitively.
Left.
Right.
Left.
Right.
Their souls crying out in pain as you press forward.
Your side aches, begging you to stop and never move again.
The air, sharp, icy and yet to be warmed by the morning sun, hits your lungs.
You press forward until you reach the steps in front of your door. You are eager to sit down and drink the cold water that you know awaits you.
However, what I am about to unveil to you isn’t exactly like that morning run.
There are other variables, another human being with it’s own emotions and hang ups.
Now, no matter where you end up on this journey to get your ex back, you are eventually, at some point, going to ask yourself an inevitable question.
You may be driving down the road, windows down, radio up, when suddenly you realize that you’ve been singing along to a Taylor Swift song like you’re the final contestant on one of those “Some Place, Somewhere’s Got Talent” game show and Simon’s holding a lighter up and cheering you on when you ask yourself,
“How in the world did I get here?”
Now, if you’re like me, you sing in this manner regularly and give concerts to the people next to you in traffic jams.
But what I’m getting at is that at some point after the break up you will have that moment of clarity when you’re doing something so completely out of character that you sit back and you go,
“What the hell am I doing?”
Hmm… but before I expand I should probably introduce myself first
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Who I Am (And Why You Should Listen To Me)
I’m Ashley.
I am the newest member of Chris’ “Ex Recovery Team.”
He hired me to help him create content for you and has dubbed me as “The Head of Content Development.”
Fancy, huh?
Nice to meet you!
(Oh, here’s a picture of Harley Quinn to show off my drawing skills 😉 .)
I spend a lot of time on our website reading the comments and emails that you leave. Regardless of where you’re at in your breakup journey I almost always find that we get asked one simple question,
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Seriously, almost everyone asks a member of “The Ex Recovery Team” this.
Why?
Because this entire process of getting an ex back takes time. There are rarely instantaneous results. And most people get impatient.
I can hear Yoda in the background going,
“Mmm… Patience my young Padawan.”
And in most cases my reaction is,
“Do you still want him back?
Yes?
Then heck no you shouldn’t give up. Just keep fighting for what you want, lady!”
I’d say that is how it goes about 93 percent of the time.
But in some cases, I have to say,
“You know what, yes. It’s time to put this puppy to bed.”
Or even,
“Why haven’t you been humane enough to have put it down sooner?!”
I feel like I’m going against everything we work for here. I mean, we’re here to help you get your ex back, right?! It’s even in the site’s name!
We see so many different scenarios. Literally no relationship or breakup is the same.
But there are moments we see repetitively for which I truly CANNOT conscientiously advise someone to pursue this journey any further.
So if you’re asking yourself,
“Should I give up?”
Congratulations!
You have come to the right place!
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Tough Love Time
I hope you’re ready for some tough love, because you’re about to read some things you probably don’t want to hear.
Brace yourself.
Some relationships should just be laid to rest.
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Some relationships shouldn’t be revived.
And sometimes it’s hard to admit that you don’t know something. So I am proud of you for at least asking the question.
It’s even more difficult to admit that you’ve let something go on too long.
So I hope that you’re still “braced,” because we’re about to take an unpleasant trip.
I’m that person that doesn’t like to leave things unfinished.
A friend of mind posted this last week….
https://www.facebook.com/TheMotherofAllNerdsPage/videos/1721082264819495/
… and it bothered me more than you can imagine.
I’m on the edge of my seat and I’m helpless to the “unfinished-ness.”
Agh!
So, I definitely understand wanting to finish something you started ESPECIALLY if you’ve invested a lot of time into the relationship.
It’s admirable.
However, like with the video above, sometimes there is nothing you can do. There are some things you just can’t control. To keep trying is even more of a waste of time.
Let me give you an example.
I was watching my friend’s little sister, Melissa last fall.
She’s a smarty pants.
She’s only seven, but she can worm her way around any rule.
Seriously, ANY rule!
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AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING!
There is one instance that I will probably tell at her graduation one day or when she gets married, because lord knows that, that man has a lot to look forward to.
Her mom made her muffins for breakfast before I got there.
There was a list of rules on the counter for the day. The last line said, “Ya’ll are welcome to eat the rest of the muffins.” and had a little smiley face out to the side! (I’m from Texas, we say ya’ll.)
She was always leaving healthy stuff for us to snack on when I came to watch Melissa. Later that day, her daughter went into the kitchen and returned with what looked like a muffin and sat down to finish her homework.
Upon seeing this I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything since I had arrived. So I picked up a stray piece of scratch paper that needed to be thrown away and went into the kitchen to get one of the muffins. When I opened the lid to throw away the paper, that’s when I saw it… a PILE of icing scraped into the trash, a countermeasure no doubt.
Only then did I realize that there was a tray of cupcakes sitting on the other counter with a note that said,
“Not until after dinner!”
I’d been duped!
“Melissa! Is that a cupcake?!”
She looked at me slyly.
“Ashley, isn’t a cupcake just a fancy muffin?”
Of course she got in trouble, and feigned complete shock when I informed her that that was NOT how that worked.
I’ve written about it before, but I will say it again here.
People are absolutely amazing. Seriously, we are incredible!
I’m not just talking about the leaps and bounds we’ve made in science and technology. We have incredible power over our own brain that we don’t even realize we have!
We can even manipulate ourselves to believe things we know to be untrue. Conversely, we can create HUGE blind spots when we don’t want to believe something.
I tell you this because, it will be tempting to look at the information that you’re about to read and go,
“Well that one tiny part doesn’t apply to me, so therefore none of this applies to me.”
No!
That’s a technicality!
You’re an adult, don’t fall for the tricks that your mind plays on you. Moving on is sometimes one of the best things you can do for yourself.
Preparing for The Ugly Truth
When I was 19, I was seeing this guy who also happened to be my best friend. I hadn’t really done a lot of dating before that point, and I was still living at home with my parents.
So, when he asked me to go on a trip to the beach with him, my parents forbid it.
Like in a,
“If you do this, you better find a new place to live.”
kind of way.
I was so sheltered and from a small town where NOTHING ever happened. I was starving for a little adventure.
I had never defied them at this level. I was so torn trying to decide if rebelling against my parents was something I could actually do.
I spent hours in tears trying to decide between going on an adventure with the boy I was head over heels for or sitting at home, grounded for even considering it.
Completely blinded by love, I decided to take my chances and got in the car.
It was the best mistake of my life.
It’s a six-hour drive to the beach from our town. We’d been in the car for about an hour when my guy, who fancied himself a writer at the time and always spoke like he was delivering lines directly into a camera in a rom-com.
“Okay, now’s the moment. Either we turn back now or we keep going. Either way, the choice is yours to make, but after this point, there’s no turning back.”
It’s a moment that is permanently engrained in my memory.
It changed my life.
And no, my parents didn’t kick me out when I returned.
I saw them differently for not backing up their threats. However, after that, I could talk with them more freely about what I wanted out of life and how I felt about decisions they made that affected me.
So, that being said, I ask you now, are you ready for the truth?
Knowing the truth changes the way you see things.
Just like I can’t change the way I saw my parent’s after that, there’s no turning back once you pass this point.
It’s all or nothing.
Still with me?
Okay let’s dive in.
Situations In Which You Should ABSOLUTELY Give Up…
…or to phrase it more appropriately you should let go, run even!
It’s important that I ask you at this point.
Have you ever seen the movie,
“Old Yeller?”
(If not, the short version is… boy gets dog, despite his brother, the man of the house, hating it. He’s yellow, hence the name. Go figure. The dog saves their lives from a bear, then saves the entire family from a pack of wolves later on getting bit by a wolf with rabies in the process. The older brother then realizes that he must kill the dog that he has come to love in order to keep him from spreading the infection.)
You’ll understand why that’s pertinent in a moment.
The situations you should absolutely give up on are those that are:
1. Physically Abusive
If he has EVER laid a hand on you in an aggressive manner, EVER, then walking away should be a no-brainer. However, this is one of those moments where we convince ourselves of things we shouldn’t.
We tell ourselves lies.
“He’s changed.”
“He did it because he loved me.”
“I deserved it.”
“He would never lay a hand on our children.”
According to Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist at Harvard Medical School who was consulted by TIME on the Ray Rice Indecent, the responsibility to create a sense of emotional and physical safety in a relationship falls to both people in a relationship. Once sense of safety that is broken, the fault falls ONLY to the person that broke it.
If he has ever raised a hand to you, then it is HIS FAULT alone. There is ALWAYS a better way to handle a problem. He created a volatile situation.
The only way to regain that sense of safety, is to LEAVE the situation. So many of these circumstances end with the abused party in a grave.
Take back control of the situation you’re in and WALK AWAY! More importantly, REPORT IT! If he did it to you, he’ll do it to someone else.
2. Mentally Abusive
Mentally abusive relationships are harder to recognize than physically abusive ones, especially from the inside. The bruises remain hidden on the inside. Most mental abusers are incredibly adept at convincing their partner that they deserve whatever abuse they’ve received.
I’ve seen mental abusers even turn “I love you,” into an abusive phrase simply by adding the word “but”.
Here are a few signs to look for if you think you your relationship may have been mentally abusive:
- He was unreasonably jealous
- Making everything out to be your fault
- Constantly guilt tripping you
- Constantly putting you down
- Provocative behavior with other women even to the point of cheating and then returning
- Excluding you
- Refusing to communicate
- Hypercriticism
- Threatening to hurt themselves if you ever leave them
They may even convince you, somehow, that the reason they treat you this way is “for your best interest.”
If you find that the relationship you were in is one of these or even SLIGHTLY SIMILAR to either of these, it’s time to put that dog down!
I want you to Old Yeller that Situation, because the toxicity of that relationship will spread to the rest of your life.
PUT IT DOWN and WALK AWAY!
I can’t suggest strongly enough that you talk to someone professionally as well.
It’s hard enough to love yourself in this crazy world. These kinds of relationships make it difficult to remember who you were in the first place. Talking to someone can help momentously and can even help you learn to recognize and accept the correct kind of love from someone new, so you don’t repeat the cycle over and over again.
Please, please, please, don’t pursue this kind of relationship any further. No one deserves that. And I’m here to tell you that YOU deserve better.
Situations In Which You Have To THINK Before You Give Up
I have a confession to make…
Chris and I had to put our heads together for this article. You see, when it comes to the content that is produced for this website Chris is… how can I put this.
A bit of a control freak (and he wouldn’t even mind me telling you that.)
And at this point I think he has deserved that right. I mean, look at what he created.
So, he was adamant about the fact that a lot of times people find themselves in really difficult situations where they have to do a lot of thinking before they give up.
This section is full of situations just like that.
Situations where you really need to sit down and sort out your priorities.
Sometimes you do…
And sometimes you don’t…
Let’s explore a situation just like that,
3. The Timesuck
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BURNING HOME
This one takes a little more consideration. While leaving an abusive relationship is like walking away from a home that is already engulfed in flames, realizing you’re dealing with a “timesuck” isn’t as apparently dangerous.
Let me lay it out for you.
Your alarm goes off. You sit up in bed. Your first thought is getting him back.
You brush your teeth. The whole time you think about getting him back.
You go to work. Instead of focusing on your job, you spend the entire work day thinking up ways to get him back.
You get off work. You go to the gym. You spend the entire time at the gym thinking about how he’ll beg you to come back once you get in shape.
You go home and cook dinner. You try out a new recipe. He’ll want you so bad once he sees how well you’ve learned to cook since you two split up.
You get ready for bed. You think about getting him back.
You lay in bed thinking about what you will say if you see him tomorrow as you drift off to sleep.
See the problem?
If this is the way things are progressing, you need to re-evaluate.
I mean yeah. You’re in the gym and learning new things, which SHOULD be part of making yourself into a better version of yourself.
But if you only do these things to get a reaction out of him. You’ll quit as soon as you get a reaction from him, making the changes temporary and negating them entirely.
You are literally wasting your time and energy.
If your quest to get your ex back has completely taken over your life, then maybe you should take a step back.
You don’t want to wake up one day, whether you get him back or not, and realize that your life is no longer your own.
4. You have different goals
What are your goals?
Do you want to go to vet school and pursue a career?
Do you see yourself settling down, having 3 kids, and living in the country with a white picket fence?
What are his goals?
Do they line up with yours?
Does he back you in your endeavors?
If you are trying to get back with an ex who doesn’t want kids and you do, or an ex who wants to travel the world and you want to settle down, then you are setting yourself up for failure.
You should definitely talk about these things while you are dating someone, but if neither one of you are willing to budge, then, honestly, where can things go?
I mean here you are and you’ve already split up. If you are trying to get back with someone who won’t meet you half way, you are most likely just wasting your time trying to get back with him. In fact, the only way this works out is if you fold and compromise on your end. Then you’ll wind up resenting him and the relationship later on.
You’re probably better off focusing on your life and keeping your options open to find someone who shares the same values as you.
5. No Trust
If you feel that you can no longer trust your ex or you feel that they can no longer trust you. Perhaps because one of you cheated on the other or lied.
For whatever reason, the trust is broken.
It is up to you at this point to decide whether or not it is broken beyond repair.
6. Moment of Clarity
When you realize you are a better and happier version of yourself without him.
It was about two weeks after my last break up that I found myself sliding across my kitchen floor in socks Tom Cruise-style singing along to Adele’s “Send My Love” when I realized I was undoubtedly happier in this moment than I ever was when he and I were together.
I felt a pang of guilt knowing that I should probably still be pining over my lost relationship and this guy who was perfect for me… on paper.
But the joy of belting along to a song that made me feel powerful and dancing around in my pajamas left me feeling like he didn’t even exist anymore.
Not that he and I didn’t have fun together, it was just in that moment of clarity that I realized that I had held myself back during the time I was with him.
In the time that I had spent without him, I had been going to the gym much more so I was feeling pretty great about my appearance. While we were together I had only been going when he was busy. Now I was going about 5 times a week and I could see the difference in the mirror. I was much more energetic too.
I had also gotten much more into cycling while we were seeing each other, but without him to go home with afterwards I was suddenly making friends in my cycling group and actually going out to dinner with them after our rides.
Some of them are truly interesting people.
I was missing out before.
I also found a place here with the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Team and started working with them.
I never would have found them had I not suddenly found myself single.
I got a promotion at my day job, since I was no longer focused on what he was doing while I was at work.
All-in-all I realized that he was mostly a distraction and that distraction was holding me back from reaching my full potential.
It’s so tempting to fall into that pattern of curling up in a blanket burrito and wallowing in self-pity when you are first dealing with a break-up.
But, honestly, who in the world does that help, whether you’re fighting to recover a relationship or not?
So I focused on the things I had let slip and realized that I didn’t have a reason to wallow past not having someone to sleep next to.
If you find yourself coming to this realization, then yes, you’re probably better off focusing on moving forward than on getting him back.
The great part about this moment of clarity is that it’s the first step in getting over him and it can be an extremely empowering feeling.
7. When you’re over it
I have this one friend who continuously pursued her ex simply because she was embarrassed that she spent so much time and effort on the relationship and was worried what people would say.
Even worse, she was convinced that, if she didn’t make it work, that it proved that she was an complete idiot for not realizing that it would end this way.
In her mind missing the supposedly obvious cues made her worthless.
I told her exactly what I am going to tell you now.
Every single relationship will end in one of two ways.
- You stay together
- You don’t
There is no halfway.
When you’re running, you are more likely to do well in a race if you envision yourself crossing the finish line.
How do you think you would do if you imagined tripping over every little thing that crossed your path?
I remember reading about a sports team in one of my business books (I can’t remember which one) that hadn’t won in years!
They got a new coach and he started making them celebrate as if they had won a huge game after every practice. At first, the guys were skeptical, but eventually they were all in, screaming, high fiving, and jumping around like crazy.
When it came time to play the big game, winning didn’t seem like such a huge hurdle. I mean they had done it at every practice that season, so there wasn’t a much pressure to play perfectly. So, they were more fluid. They’d played better as a team.
At the end of that season after they had won the championship game, people were wondering if they were even the same team.
We are taught positive thinking at a young age mostly. Dwelling on a negative outcome would most certainly sour the actual relationship.
If you can no longer visualize a positive outcome, it’s probably time to stop chasing it.
So missing those “signs” that things are going south does NOT make you an idiot. It just means that you are like the rest of the world made up of optimists.
However, if you find yourself faced with the moment when you are pretty much ONLY fighting to save a relationship to save face, let it go. You will look more foolish if you hold on long after than if you held on till the end.
Don’t talk yourself out of it. Follow your gut. Your gut picks up on things that your conscious mind isn’t aware of. And, usually, it’s right and will save you a lot of time if you listen to it.
How to Let it Go
(Please get this reference…)
So you can see that most of these situations are ones in which pursuing the relationship with your ex leaves you in a bad situation or at a standstill with your own life. You have to realize that the situation you are currently in does not benefit you at all!
This is where you are faced with a decision.
Give up or keep on trying.
If your ex is not receptive towards your efforts, you need to accept that.
Just because you decide to let it go does not always mean you also have to give up.
Let go of trying to change their mind and the idea that you’ll be able to MAKE them take you back.
Letting go affords you the opportunity to make the changes you need to make to do what’s best for YOU.
Also, I’ve found from my own experience, that taking this step back can truly provide you with the chance to see the relationship with fresh eyes. Often times I’ve found that this clarity leaves me wondering why I was ever with him in the first place.
Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.
—Hermann Hesse
When You’re Fed Up and Ready to Move Forward with Your Life
Right now, I know that even considering this as an option is probably hitting you pretty hard. In fact, it is probably eliciting some pretty serious emotions. Just like when you first broke up, even thinking about going your separate ways is probably making your chest ache in that area where your heart is supposed to be. It feels like it’s actually somewhere lying on a floor and people are walking all over it.
Luckily all extreme emotions become subdued over time.
They may resurface from time to time. Just know that. Go ahead and create a safety net. Choose a friend that you can talk to that’ll be understanding. Get a journal you can write in. Or be like me and make a playlist that makes you happy no matter what and dance around your home.
These sudden emotional outbursts will become scarcer and scarcer over time. Eventually you won’t be able to remember the last time you had one.
Someone
September 13, 2019 at 4:45 am
Okay so here is my story there are quite a few ups and downs we dated back when I was in 10th grade I’m a senior now so we met in band and started joking with each other and teasing and messing around we weren’t really every actually really close friends we just both realized there was a connection and my sister told him I liked him and before I knew it we were dating we dated for about 5 months and it was great we spent time together joked around a lot called almost every night it was amazing but then it started going downhill my friend who was also his started flirting with me and I told him but I didn’t tell him about something he said back in my freshman year and my boyfriend at the time got mad that i didn’t tell him and i lost his trust he got really cold then shortly after broke things off i was heart broken for a few weeks i really loved him he told me he thought that i should move on and that he broke up with me because he was graduating a year earlier than me and couldn’t do long distance but a few weeks later he was texting me and checking up on me and telling me I looked cute I was very confused I started trying to move on with a new guy who was sweet and funny but my ex texted me saying how this new guy wasn’t good for me and all this stuff I said it was just my attempt at getting over him he said i know hun but hes no good I didn’t listen and hung out with the new guy at a band competition the next day my ex was at the same competition and saw everything and got mad and posted a long rant about how I didn’t care about him and how I don’t deserve him and even told one of my friends “thank you for warning me” apparently about me trying to move on like he asked me to anyway fast forward a few months he gets with a new girl it kinda hurt but I was mostly okay about a year later he text me apologizing and asking if we can be friends his girlfriend at the time got mad he texted me and they got in a huge argument but they were still together he started flirting with me and messing with me again at band they ended up taking a break and then breaking up he told me he liked me again then he got mad at me because there was a rumor that I was saying his ex dyed her hair to look like me which if he knows anything about me he should’ve knew I never said but he ended up believing her and they got back together a year later he started texting me again and messing with me in the band room then he asked me if i still had feelings for him even though he had a girlfriend i told him i did but didn’t want to cause any problems but after i told him that he seemed to mess with me more he graduated last year and him and his girlfriend broke up recently he started texting me again we talked as friends for a while before he went to college then he completely stopped texting me until recently i texted him and he apologized for not texting me claiming he didn’t want to say anything awkward or inappropriate I asked him what he meant by that and he told me basically he still liked me but didn’t want it to be awkward because he changed a lot and liked doing certain things and that I should maintain my innocence we texted a bit longer and actually ended up talk talking for a few days before I asked what we were and he said he hadn’t thought much about it and as much as he’d like to be official he thinks a long distance relationship would be too stressful and it doesn’t really feel like a relationship if there is no physical relationship like kissing and stuff I told him I understood then we agreed to stay friends but then he said “I’m sorry princess” and i got really confused then he texted me later that night saying he still really does have feelings for me and thinks about me but he doesn’t want to act on it then he said well that’s not true I do and I told him I didn’t want to make him be in a long distance relationship that was just going to stress him out and he told me thank you for understanding and I said no problem and now I’m really confused I don’t know if I should just give up or have faith our paths will cross again in the future and it will be the right time and place I just don’t know anymore
JUNIIR
September 3, 2019 at 11:59 am
Ok
So after the 30 day no contat period
I reached out to my ex from a strong point but she was too distant
I gave her a two week spacing period then rrached out once again.
She responded splendidly but when i asked her for a catchup….she pulled up her defences
I tried explaining to her i wasnt there to change anything and only wanted to apologise about my wrongs from a friends view but it was like talking to a rock..
I left the conversation floor open by throwing on a joke so that it wouldnt be hard for her to reach out after she is ready…
I waited for her to reach out but she didnt and everytime i would see her with her new boyfriend(rebound perhaps) and it really killed me so
After two weeks of cold turkey silence i just told myself that i we were never geting back together so i wrote an emotional letter puting in everything i was feeling, the memories, regrets, plans i had with her and now i was hurting with hopes i might be feel better and move on after handing it over.
So i met up with her at church and i handed it to her but she suddenly went from being cold to super excited as she would find small to touch me and would blush around but it was too late to reteave it from her…..
I saw her two weeks later and she was just back to being distant and i also felt hurt seeing her with the guy she was dating
I really felt like i had messed up
So the next day i went to her house only to arrange a meetup claiming i just had a few questions to ask but her responds was “i am busy for the next idk days…..when i get free, i will let you know”
Three weeks later i wrote another letter……from a stong point explaing to her that i was still under emotions when i wrote the first letter and also asking for a meetup as a friend asking for financial book keeping help from her as she did business accounting.
I gave a mutual friend to hand it in and then called the next day to confirm if she had received it but to my surprise…..she was soo pissed for writting to her and showing up at her house, told me that i should get the sense we are done and also told me to grow up..i tried explaining to her that i only was trying to be a friend, had accepted the breakup and wasnt meaning to change anything then she hung me up.
Its been a month since that incident and 5 months since we broke up
I cant seem to move on but i dont know if holding is much of a choice
Should i wait for her to reach out or rrach out first….if yes, then how exactly….
Or i should just move on.
I dont know if she is still seeing this other guy as stopped checking in a month ago.
Andrea
November 12, 2018 at 3:54 am
Hello! So here’s my story.
I started at a company and there was this guy who always tried to get me to go out with him. At first I thought he was being overbearing,but we eventually slowly started to date.we bought each other lunch we constantly on the phone we texted 24/7,good morning and good night text messages, even went on dates. It all sounds great right? Well in between all of this he is living with his ex due to reasons of there kid and she didn’t have anywhere to go. I was fine with it at first but it did start bothering me after awhile. I eventually started to be a little more distant and a bit more mean, not on purpose though. One night I has quite a few drinks and texted him and called and told him what I thought. The morning very hung over I called and apologized. He said that what I said hurt him pretty bad and we should’ve friends. We dated only a few weeks but he pursuit me for months. Fast forward we still basically did everything we had already been doing but me trying harder and him pulling away. He didn’t text as much and wasn’t so open. We still work together. Last week on lunch I poured my heart out and got rejected again. But we are still friends. We still talk. He’s asked me out with other friends He still is there but not at all close anymore and he tends to make little jokes on the lines of me hurting him. But I am also hurting to and I don’t know if I should just quit or keep trying. I realize I love him very much and I just don’t know what to do. No one understands the situation well so I get all kinds of different ideas from family/friends to the situation. If you could please give me advice I need it.
Chris Seiter
November 12, 2018 at 4:57 am
Hi Andrea!
Maybe just pulling back, giving him some space and time and focusing yourself on your own healing and recovery. Sometimes we try too hard and then we lose perspective. Tap into all my content here Andrea. Lots of great books I have written, videos, podcasts, articles….you will find a lot of supportive resources.
Serena
May 2, 2018 at 9:19 am
My ex boyfriend broke up with me almost 3 months ago and it has been very back and forth since then. He asked me to get back with him two weeks after the break up then decided a day later that this wasn’t for him and he couldn’t be bothered with the hassle. We then met up from him asking and had a great time and then he lost interest again. We met up again from him asking and then he was not interested in being there and told me he didn’t miss me and was letting me down gently. After this he contacted me the next day and then asked me for money two days later! Then again he lost interest. We didn’t speak for almost 3 weeks and then he contacted me asking to speak and said he missed talking to me and wanted to meet up. I questioned his efforts and said he was playing games and he lost interest and told me I was annoying. Fast forward to now which is again around the three week mark after this and we were talking again and met up and he told me he didn’t care and he was moving on and I should too yet he contacts me after it and sends me references to stuff we used to share together and now it seems he’s lost interest again. He’s said some pretty mean things and blatantly told me he doesn’t care but then contacts me. WHAT do I do with this guy?!
Chris Seiter
May 3, 2018 at 1:37 am
Hi Serena…yep…the off/on pattern is not unusual as our emotions can twist us all around. There is a certain brain chemistry that also influences our behavior when we are in the midst of breakup cycles. It seems he is either somewhat immature or is playing games or both. Maybe he is confused, but you are taking the brunt end of the negative fallout from his behavior. Plus, he is emotionally abusive. So i think you go into No contact, but do it more for yourself and your healing and to gain a greater perspective of what is best and healthy for you. Go pick up my book, “The No Contact Rule Book” or any of them as I think they will be of great aid to you (visit my website Menu/Products link” for more info).
serena weir
May 7, 2018 at 10:38 am
Hello! Thanks so much for replying to me!
Yeah it is not good!! So you think I should completely stop all contact now and just accept that’s it. I don’t know if I should just accept that’s it and completely move on! I feel like I have been putting so much effort in and now getting to the point where it is just not doing any good and I’m hurting myself because he clearly does not care!
Thanks,
Serena
Chris Seiter
May 7, 2018 at 3:51 pm
Hi Serena. Yes, i think this on/off nature of the post breakup period is confusing and hurting you and if very unfair to you. I believe a long version of No Contact (up to 45 days) is in order. At the end of this it, you should be in a a “better place” to conclusively decide if you ever want to give it another chance. Pick up my ebook, “The No Contact Rule Book”. Its like the bible of all things dealing with the No Contact Principle an has tons of ideas around things you should be doing to focus on your self recovery. Also, I don’t recall if I mentioned it, but I have a “Private Facebook Support Group Community” that presently has about 1500 members (mostly women) in which there is a lot of synergy and mutual support. So give that a look (website Menu/Products link). Let me know how things are going for you later!
Serena
May 7, 2018 at 4:29 pm
Thank you so much for your help! I’m just struggling not to contact him just now because we’ve been on and off and it makes it effectively worse! Do you think blocking him on social media etc is also a good idea? I sure will thank you for the advice ! I think no contact is definitely what I need in order to help myself too!
I will also let you know how I get on!
Serena
Chris Seiter
May 7, 2018 at 10:40 pm
I realize its hard…but you end up losing value in the long run if you constantly break it. I am not a fan of blocking. More harm than good in most cases. The more you focus on yourself….putting yourself and your needs first, the less difficult NC will be.
Sasha
January 26, 2018 at 11:09 pm
Here’s the thing. My ex broke up with me for someone else. He had been seeing her while we were together. Its been 16 days NC and he hasn’t contacted me. They’re both in all the same classes at a school I don’t attend. The more we don’t talk, the more I believe he’s moving on, happily too. We were together for about a year, lovingly, then came the drama and mistrust because of his ex, the state of his life, the state of mine, lack of space and all that jazz. He’s very emotional btw and falls in love easily. Yes. Yes. I would like another shot. An article I read recently said that no contact only works to help people move on…but that’s not what I’m trying to achieve. I was hoping he would just calm down but I know him, he’d use our distance as a chance to move on. He’s probably miserable when he’s alone and I’m not around but not when in the company with this girl. Tell me…tell me something. Anything. Its going to be three weeks soon and he hasn’t reached out. I. Sorry I don’t have an actual question. If I did it would be, will he come back and how and why and when…I want to contact him and meet up… Is it not the time? Where the hell is this boys mind at? Some good old insight would be nice.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 30, 2018 at 11:08 pm
Hi Sasha,
have you checked this one:
He Cheated On You And You Want Him Back… What Do You Do?
Trish
September 5, 2017 at 1:09 am
How do you know the difference between him just wanting to be friends or wanting you back? Every time I successfully go NC, after a week or two, he comes back around telling me how much he still cares about me and misses me and hinting at getting back together. He dumped me and it was his decision. It wasn’t the worst split but still hurt me a lot. I think he regretted it pretty soon after dumping me.
How will I know if he wants to try again or if he just wants to be sure that I’ve not gotten over him? He seems pretty upset about the thought of me moving on according to mutual friends and has even acted jealous. It seems immature of him to not want me but at the same time he doesn’t want anyone else to have me either. I”m trying to just go NC and get over him and move on but he keeps on coming back around and pulling at the feelings that I still have left for him. Should I just give up and totally ignore him from here on out or should I just ask him point blank what he wants from me? I’d probably give it another go, but I can’t stand the mind games. What do you think, Amor?
Trish
September 8, 2017 at 6:28 am
I went NC twice for only two weeks each time before I gave in and responded to his texts. One of the times he texted about a week into NC and I didn’t respond until a week later, but the second time I went NC he didn’t text me until the 2 week mark. Each time he pulled at my heartstrings (I miss you. I care so much about you, etc..) and I respond. The last time I texted him I think I made him mad though because I haven’t heard from him since (almost 2 weeks again which is about the time he starts texting me again). I think I made him mad because I asked him why he was acting jealous if he’s the one who broke up with me. Because he posted a picture of him and a girl who has a crush on him. I know that he couldn’t care less about her but was just trying to make me jealous. I kind of think I should just go NC for at least 30 days and stay strong. Do you think I should go longer? I guess that depends on if I still want him back? I don’t know if I should give up on him or not. He’s making me feeling like he’s just playing games and maybe wasn’t really all that into me to begin with. I don’t want to try to convince someone to like me who’s just not into me. I would rather move on. But how do I know if he really is into me and testing me by playing mind games? He’s kind of insecure and emotionally shut down too. All his friends say he’s scared of commitment because he’s never been in a relationship for more than a year and half. Even though he broke up with me, since the breakup he has acted very hurt and sad and sort of like the victim even though he broke up with me! Thank you for your help Amor!
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 13, 2017 at 11:28 am
Yup,stick to at least 30 days.. Take this as a restart.. If you want to see if he’s serious, Let him invest more effort before you do.. Don’t ask or blame, observe.. If he doesn’t do that in your set span of time after nc, then move on…
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 7, 2017 at 8:37 pm
Hi Trish,
how many times have you done nc? It’s normal for an ex to miss you. If he really wants you back, he would literally say it.
Christian
May 31, 2017 at 11:29 am
Almost 3 months ago, me and the guy I had been dating briefly (4 months) got into our first big argument over him flirting with other women on social media. We ended up both mutually dumping each other and then I went into nc for about 45 days. I started using the “get your ex back” text strategies. So far I had initiated about 5 short text convos, all of which he responded to. Then I called him one day. We rehashed the whole break up and actually had a pretty good conversation (even though he still seemed really angry despite him being the cause of the whole argument – asking for a girl’s number on social media). He did tell me I was a rare, hard to find woman and did think we were going to be something serious. We ended it with “no hard feelings” and that we both were moving on. I was completely fine with this and was enjoying and living my life. 10 days later I get a random text from him telling me that I’m a good person and deserve the very best this world has to offer. I wanted to respond, “duh” but instead I asked him why he text me that to which he said he was deep in his thoughts. Then he invited me out for a drink and I declined. Now, every so often, he will ask me a random question out of no where. What does this mean? At first, I was fine with moving on because I got all the closure I needed from our phone conversation. Now with him randomly texting me like this, it does make me miss him and think of possibly trying again even though I don’t know what his intentions are. Thoughts?
Christian
June 1, 2017 at 12:02 am
Thank you for your response. Well when we talked on the phone the last time he said he did not want to be friends. That’s why I was wondering what was the point in contactig me and telling me “I deserve the best the world has to offer”. Seeems like he randomly wanted to state the obvious and would not say why he randomly text that.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 1, 2017 at 5:54 pm
well, he probably said that out of emotion before
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 31, 2017 at 4:33 pm
it’s probably because you’re not chasing.. it’s hard to say if he just wants to be friends, or he wants to try again.
Crystal
May 31, 2017 at 1:38 am
Almost 3 months ago, me and the guy I had been dating briefly (4 months) got into our first big argument over him flirting with other women on social media. We ended up both mutually dumping each other and then I went into nc for about 45 days. I started using the “get your ex back” text strategies. So far I had initiated about 5 short text convos, all of which he responded to. Then I called him one day. We rehashed the whole break up and actually had a pretty good conversation (even though he still seemed really angry despite him being the cause of the whole argument – asking for a girl’s number on social media). He did tell me I was a rare, hard to find woman and did think we were going to be something serious. We ended it with “no hard feelings” and that we both were moving on. I was completely fine with this and was enjoying and living my life. 10 days later I get a random text from him telling me that I’m a good person and deserve the very best this world has to offer. I wanted to respond, “duh” but instead I asked him why he text me that to which he said he was deep in his thoughts. Then he invited me out for a drink and I declined. Now, every so often, he will ask me a random question out of no where. What does this mean? At first, I was fine with moving on because I got all the closure I needed from our phone conversation. Now with him randomly texting me like this, it does make me miss him and think of possibly trying again even though I don’t know what his intentions are. Thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 31, 2017 at 4:33 pm
it’s probably because you’re not chasing.. it’s hard to say if he just wants to be friends, or he wants to try again.
Kirsty
April 18, 2017 at 3:05 pm
We broke up in december 2016. In that time till now he had one really bad rebound relationship that ended fast even more so when i discovered i was pregnent with his son ( i still am ) but now about 2 months strong hes been dating his best friend though they have been arguing and broke up in between. In that time we kissed ( stupid emotional mistake) and hes cheated on her but on the 12th of April he announces on facebook that hes now engaged to this girl but never told me to my face . I broke down . I havent spoken to him since that monday and im now 8 days no contact only unblocking him yesterday incase he wanted to talk but nothing ..i dont know what to do . I want to fight for him , for the spark and the love we once had but i dont know if i still have a chance with him now hes engaged . Its not his first engagement as hes asked me when dating and previous ex,s and my child is not his first but it is his first son as he has three girls . Im under alot of stress with pregnancy which is bad but hes not my world he just crosses my mind alot and i do miss him …. what should i do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 25, 2017 at 4:12 pm
Stick to nc.. Follow this one:
Here’s How To Get Your “Baby Daddy” Back
Maria
March 27, 2017 at 3:14 am
Hello, I did the quiz and it came out to have 62% of chance on getting back to my ex. I bought the Ex-Pro and I am in the NC phase. 21 days have passed since my last initial contact. However, I had to answer him two times in a period of two weeks as he asked me something specifically (getting back my bike to me and asking about my dad’s surgery). Our breakup was very dramatic. I did it via text as I was going thru a period of having anxiety attacks and I felt he was not being supported towards me. He was living in my house as he had rented his house in airbnb as he didn’t have a job. So basically I threw him out on the street and said very nasty things..I was all irrational, without thinking as I was going thru a very difficult period and my anxiety attacks had not been treated (I know that is not excuse) I apologized already in person two days after this happens and 3 weeks after I opened up my heart apologize again, and showed him that I am working on my anger and the way to communicate. But he doesn’t trust me. Said he has a barrier and that now he sees everything rational and not emotional. That he cannot be in a relationship as he doesn’t have a job basically told me he doesn’t want to be with me. I really love him and thought we had a very good relationship. What do you suggest? Should I just give up on trying?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 28, 2017 at 3:23 pm
Hi Maria,
did you buy the premium one because it includes being added in the fb group.. anyways, try the nc rule first..
Nicole Herl
December 16, 2016 at 3:09 pm
My ex and I broke up about 2 weeks ago but he broke up with me. He told me due to everything going on in his life, he was becoming mad and his demons were coming back. Meaning he thought he would physically hurt me so he said to protect me, he is breaking up. So I don’t think this advice will help. He is different. He’s not a typical guy when it comes to a lot. I thought he was pulling its not you its me but when he told me every I, it made since. He tilt thought he would hurt me. His dad has bad cancer, things at his job are not going well and the guy he lives with is a pain in the butt. He’s using my ex pretty much. My ex held everything in and when he broke up with me he just sobbed and cried. Told me he loved me but afraid due to becoming mad he thought it was best to not have me around right now. He is going through a lot, I saw it. And in pictures he’s so unhappy and sad. I told him I wanted to help him but he said no, he wanted to do it himself. He held me and kissed me and said I’m so sorry a lot. He’s going through a lot so idk if this advice is for me or not. He might just need time apart right now. Any ideas for me? I know he truly cared for me. He means a lot and I’d love to try again. It Was not a messy break up. He held me and cried hard. He kept telling me he didn’t want to break up but to protect me he was doing so.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 19, 2016 at 5:41 am
Hi Nicole,
How old are you both? Does he have professional help? If he needs to sort it out independently, that’s good. That’s being responsible. If he doesn’t want you to help, let him..
Sierra
October 25, 2016 at 5:58 pm
Hello,
After reading this article I don’t know if it’s time to give up on my situation. You see I’ve told this story on here before but I was dating my ex boyfriend for four months and I lied to him about my job (I told him I was at work when I wasn’t but I was either at the gym or at home) when we first got together we would talk about our friends. Especially friends of the opposite sex one friend of mine (who was a former coworker)I told him nothing has ever happened which nothing has between us never kissed or done anything intimate. I literally haven’t spoken to the guy in months but when we were working together we were in the elevator and he got really close to me and I pushed him a way I didn’t know what that meant because it didn’t feel like he was trying to kiss me. However I tried to tell my ex boyfriend this before but he would always say “babe it’s fine you don’t have to tell me” then that one day after I tell him about how I quit my job the next day he finds out about that former friend of mine (turns out he was a complete creep so I unfriended him) he gets extremely emotional and breaks up with me. So I talked to him and we decided to try to be friends and we were back together in two days but I grew resentful because he broke up with me for the most ridiculous thing and we started to argue and ultimately broke up again and we haven’t spoken to each other in almost four months. He has gone as far as to block me in every way possible and during this time apart I’ve been working two jobs and going to school and focusing on myself. When I think about the relationship I do feel like we were right together and had the same goals and dreams we were talking about getting married and having kids together. But my ex boyfriend has severe trust issues you see he was cheated on in one relationship and in another a girl literally tried to put him in prison. I guess my question is that if I still care about him should I even consider moving forward with these strategies on EBR or is moving on without really moving on the answer?
Sierra
October 27, 2016 at 12:26 am
My understanding of it is to set out and accomplish the things in your life that you haven’t. Like for me when I started dating my ex I wasn’t working nor was I in school so the only thing I was really looking forward to was my relationship which isn’t healthy now I realize that. I now have two jobs and I’m going to school I’m bettering myself
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 28, 2016 at 8:55 pm
Yeah, that’s right. Basically it’s having your own life.. and from what you said, making him your world would really be one of the problems in the relationship. There’s not guarantee that that will work, but you have to change yourself first before trying to change the relationship because you take yourself in every relationship. So, even if it still doesn’t work out after improving yourself, at least you know you did your part.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 26, 2016 at 7:30 pm
Hi Sierra,
hmm.. what is your understanding about moving on without really moving on?
Layla
October 24, 2016 at 1:19 am
Hey Amor!
Quick recap on my situation. After a year together and being quite serious, my ex broke up in March to “work on himself” and “get a new fresh start in life” because he felt he has become lazy and isn’t doing anything in his life and needs to concentrate on finding a full time job in his field (he then worked 2 days a week in a lame retail job).
Anyways after doing a month of NC, I initiated texts and he became flirty and when we met up for the first time we hooked up. He was all about texting me and seeing me, and well we’d hook up. I discovered 2 weeks later (so beginning of May) that he also began hooking up with his best friend’s ex, Anna. He had us both and I would see her car over when I got a teaching job next door to him. I asked one of his friends, Mat, what was going on (he is also friends with Anna) and he said he has not told them anything about Anna but they too see her car over. I was fed up and wanted to end our hook ups with him but the day I was going to he was ridiculously sweet to me and treated me like I was his gf, and not FWB. So I thought maybe he wanted to reconcile. We continued to text and initiate seeing him but he started being really distant, and he started ignoring my texts and blowing me off with no explanation (This is end of May). I asked what his issue was and he told me nothing was wrong he just did not feel like talking to me.
I cut back on my texts but I still messaged him to see him (I honestly was hoping to have a talk in person with him). However, he began blowing me off making excuses and well the next morning I’d see Anna’s car over. He kept lying to me basically and I felt like an idiot because he knew when I go to work I’d see her car. I honestly only asked him once a week to do something. I was just trying to work out a day that was good for him to see me but he’d blow me off and lie every time.
I was fed up and confronted him mid June. I told him I was tired of being the only one putting in an effort and he told me I was a borderline psycho for asking him to hang out all the time and that I was needy and suffocating him and he hates it. He told me he is even debating being friends with me because of how needy I was being. He said he did not see me as a friend he wants to hang out with each week or talk to often. He saw me as a “once a month or less friend.” I was insulted and told him how he had no issue talking and seeing me several times a week before and that out of no where it seemed to become a problem and you won’t say why. He did not respond. So a few days later (mid June still) I wrote I know what the issue is. You have Anna and you slept with us both at the same time and I’m not ok with that. That I was done being only on putting in the effort being friends with him. No response. I asked his friend Mat again if my ex and Anna are official and told him I’m asking because he has now basically cut me out of his life. He did not reply.
2 weeks later (end of June) I get a call from my ex. Claiming one of his friends just saw me drive by the house they are at for a party (a lie). I told him no I’m not in his town anymore now that school is out for the summer. He told me he knows I stalk him and drive by his house. I said yes I worked next door to him it can’t be helped and that school is over now so I’m not in his town anymore. I told him I was happy he is calling me and talking to me when he has an issue with me because I know if I had an issue and called him he’d simply ignore me like he has done. He told me he knows he talked to his friends about everything and he is scared for me. Scared I’m losing it and that I’m a stalker. I told him he has nothing to worry about I’m not a stalker. I told him it was shitty of him for getting a new GF so soon after breaking up with me especially when he said he needed to be alone. He laughed and said she wasn’t his GF they “hang out” (I guess FWB/not official relationship or whatever even though she is over like 4-5 times a week!). He said he knew I knew about her before I sent that text to him about her. I said ok so whats the problem with talking to me and hanging out with me. He refused to answer told me he had to go to the party. I said I’ll call you tomorrow to discuss this further because I clarified your issue now I want him to clarify mine. I called next day and as expected no answer.
I went in NC. 45 days as you suggested, and on day 45 HE ACTUALLY TEXTED ME (on August 9th). He is still hooking up with Anna, I know that. Anyways, he invited me to a movie. I declined and said some other time…I did not hear from him and a week later I initiated a text. We went to a movie the following week. Then he began initiating all the texts and asking to do something with me every week. In September, he texted me every day and invited me to a movie almost every week, but nothing happened when we saw the movie. He never tried to put any moves on me or anything. But we had a good time. Since he first contacted me, I never really initiated any meet ups nor really initiated any of the texts.
End of September he finally got a full time job in his field. Since then he has become distant. He still see’s Anna, that I know. Mostly on the weekends. I’m still told they aren’t a couple or anything and are not dating. Anyways he barely texts me and started not adding to the conversation when I would initiate a text with him every 4-5 days. I stayed laying low but invited him to a hockey game 3 weeks ago and we had a good time. And shockingly 2 weeks ago he drunk texted me after midnight asking me to go over to his house for his thanksgiving party with his friends (where Anna was not there). Which surprised me because all his close friends were there, and if I did go over I’m certain I would have stayed the night because it was late and drinks would have been involved.
Last week he posted a pic of him and Anna looking very coupe-ly. However one of my friends who knows him purposely ended up commenting “awww cute pic of you two. You got yourself a lovely lady” to see how he’d react…and well HE DELETED THE PICTURE the instant the comment was posted. So clearly he does not want people thinking she’s his gf…
Anyways 3 days ago we had plans to go to a bar to watch a hockey game (I iniatated it). The day of he said he is tired and does not feel like going out, so he asked me if I minded going over to watch it at his place. So I did. He was in a weird mood and seemed tired. Eventually he expressed that he isn’t happy. From our conversation it seems the job is taking a lot out of him. I honestly think a full time job is a rude awakening because he never worked more than 20 hours a week in his life! Plus it’s a long commute there. He told me he doesn’t see the point of his life. All he does is work and gets home tired, and only has 2 days free (weekends). He says that isn’t living. He said he is not paid enough and he does not see the point when he isn’t really living. It broke my heart. I told him that is life though, almost everyone works 40 hours a week. The key is to work at a job that you enjoy and satisfies you and you should not really care about the salary. Because it’s worse spending your life doing something you don’t enjoy and being paid well than working where you enjoy and getting less. I told him thats the case for me as a teacher. I love going into work even though there are some tough days, they are days that a memorable and I enjoy regardless and laugh at even at the worse of days…. Yes, I’m not paid a lot but I don’t care about my salary. I could’ve been an actuary and been rich out of my mind, but I quit after my first day in the program because I couldn’t stand the idea of spending my life an office all day typing up numbers.
Anyways he ended up falling asleep during the game, and me too. He woke me up and I went home. I don’t know what he wants from me. I’m not even sure he has those type of conversations with Anna. Anna seems to be the girl he spends his days off with having fun.
I’m not sure what to do…
Also, his friend Mat messaged me today. He sent an apology. He told me that he had something on his mind for awhile and wants to say that he was sorry for telling my ex things he promised that he would keep between the 2 of us. He said he just felt things were getting out of control and he needed to tell my ex certain things. He told me he heard I’m doing well and that my ex and I are on good terms now and that is excellent news. I told him I appreciate the apology and that I understand the situation he was in so no hard feelings. (Now I’m lead to believe he was the catalyst as to why my ex cut me off in June).
I just don’t understand why my ex bothered coming back in my life again In August when he has not tried anything with me. The Thanksgiving text gave me hope and how interested he was in hanging out with me in September also gave me hope. But it’s fizzled. And clearly he talks to his friends about me, but I don’t know what he is telling them (they all know he hooks up with Anna). Especially since lately he has been distant. It’s not like we are really on “good terms.”
I just don’t know if there is anything I can do to help my situation…
Layla
November 28, 2016 at 2:12 am
Do you think I should even bother trying to reconnect months from now? (If by then I have no one and am interested in trying)…or do you think my sitiuation is basically hopeless???
Especially if Anna is still in the picture then….heck if she’s in the picture still months from now and they are STILL not official by then, then I think my ex has serious problems….
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 28, 2016 at 9:49 pm
It’s hard to say because it will depend on what the situation is by then.. Make it more about having and building other connections than him.. If he still with Anna whether official or not, it’s your call if you still want to test the waters as friends only at first
layla
November 25, 2016 at 2:36 am
What was my ex’s point on coming off so strong when he initiated contact in August if he was just going to become distant, see me as a “once a month or less friend,” and cut me off YET AGAIN? Especially if he has Anna and according to him she was his GF back then (I know she is and was not then….at least not yet). He looks stupid lying especially that I told one of his close friends….
Also, do you agree he was blowing me off and trying to avoid seeing me? That his excuse that he hasn’t left his house since he broke his arm a month ago is the reason he stopped texting me or wanting to hang is just that. An excuse and everything we recently talked about was total B.S coming from his mouth?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 27, 2016 at 2:25 pm
I think it was because he missed you, it’s human nature because you just recently broke up. It’s hard to say that he wasn’t telling the truth and that he’s just blowing you off when he said he broke his arm, but the only thing that’s more obvious is that him saying he has a gf and then lying about it to others means he wants you to step back.
Layal
November 22, 2016 at 12:50 am
More ended up happening Amor,
As you know, I reached ot to him when he broke up with me in Arch after 30 days NC. We hooked up soon after and then around the same time he hooked up with Anna. He had us both and he then became distant to me and stopped answering my texts and blew me off. Not long after I demanded a talk and he told me I was suffocating and a borderline psycho for asking him to constantly hang out. That he saw me as a once or less a month friend. I called him out on Anna and how he slept with us both and how I believed that was the reason he has cut me off. I’m done with it and I don’t want to be the only one putting in an effort being friends. He did not respond but called me a couple weeks later claiming a friend saw me drive by. Told me I was a stalker (all untrue I just worked next door as he knew so sometimes when I left work he’d see me drive by) and that him and Anna just “hang out” its not his GF. Told me he knows I talk behind his back to his friends (I spoke with one after the break up and questioned what him and Anna were because at the time he was sleeping with me and leading me on).
I went NC then 45 days later HEEEEE reached out (in August). HEEEEE invited to see a movie every week. HEEEEE started texting me daily. I NEVER initiated texts or asking to see him. This goes on for a little over a month and then he stopped. SO i start initiating but he seemed distant. Not engaged or keeping the conversation going or would even reply days later. He did get a fulltime job but it was happening before that. Not lond after (in Ocober) I invited him to watch match, we went and everything was good. Then he texted me late at night to his thanksgiving party with his friends (I did not answer until the next day). Then his friend apologized to me for talking to my ex about our conversations. Then I don’t hear from him so I initiated another hang out and we watch hockey together. Everything was fine he discussed how he hates his new job and we had a deep conversation about life actually. Then I don’t hear from him. A week later I ask to do something and he tells me he broke his arm last week, ot surgery and is out of work for awhile. Like way to tell me I thought we were friends. HE claimed he couldn’t hang because he wants to heal. BUUUUUUT of course that doesn’t stop him from seeing Anna.
I give him his space hoping to hear from him. Fed up really because he went from wanting to talk everyday and see me every week to distant and now seeming to make lame excuses why he cant see me. All these things exactly like what happened when we had our blow up last time….I gave him 28 days. I was really hoping to hear from him because I figured if he actually valued me he’d want to see me regardless of “needing healing time.” Heck he could at least text me. I was just FED UP.
Sooooo I texted him asking to see him. He said he was going to his GF house! like way to spring that on me that Anna and him are official….as you know I told him I guess that’s why you went from texting me everyday and wanting to see me every week like going to the movies too nothing. He said no, they were together before then. Iy’s just there haven’t been any good movies (wow B.S!!!) and he hasn’t left his house because of his arm (surprising since I saw him at the mall remember). I just said all those things don’t stop you from texting. You don’t think it;s strange you can go from texting me daily and wanting to hang out every week and even asking me to go over to thanksgiving to POOF nothing? He took forever to reply and said that we were just friends and he has friends he goes months without talking or seeing but they are still his friends and that he understood if I can’t just be friends with him. I saidI;m not interested in being a friend you talk to or see every few months and that it was fine before when you actually contacted me and we saw each other. You contacted me daily and we hung out weekly. But it;s changed. He just replied alright. I went on no? You usually talk to friend everyday for weeks and ask to see a movie every week and then POOF disappear on them? He replied I assumed you knew I had a GF and I didnt want to talk to you about her because we were just starting to become friends again and that it is normal to stop talking went I haven’t wanted to leave my house the past couple weeks. HE said he did not want to go through all this again. I told him the issue is you went from wanting to be a close friend by talking daily and seeing me lately to nada. People make time for people they want to make time for. That I would like to discuss it over the phone. He did not reply…
I spoke to his close friend. He said no my ex is single and him and Anna aren’t official. They have no label. He was told they aren’t going to be in a relationship. Then a friend of mine who knows Anna straight out asked Anna and Anna said no, they spend a lot of time together and they are happy together and she has no idea what they are but they are happy. I guess a no label relationship. No strings attached basically. So he lied to me….or Maybe he is soon to ask her to be official I don’t know but remember he said he was with his gf before he started talking to me again. So one big lie. Plus remember a month back he posted a couple looking pic and someone commented nice gf and he deleted the pic becuase I assume he did not want people thinking they were an item…
Then I did what I felt needed to be done. The next day I said I hope you are ready to talk. No answer. Much later I wrote If I don’t get an answer by tonight I assume that for whatever reason you no longer are interested in having me in your life. Please this time I appreciate it if you don’t text me out of the blue to see a movie and end up texting me daily and wanting to hang constantly because I know it will inevitably lead to you cutting me off and blowing me off yet again. I don’t know of any friends who treat each other that way and I have more respect for myself than to be treated that way. As expected no response…
Anyways I did not want him seeing me as a “friend” especially a friend who he can go months without talking to. No thanks. He had no value or interest in me when he did back in August/September.
Maybe I did not handle the past few days well. But I’m clearly in NC and blocked him from Snap (the only social media I posted on…which may be a bad move but I don’t need him having the right to see what I’m up to when he does not post much.
Anyways now that this drama is over. Do you think he’ll reach out to me again? and 6 months or more from now, if I haven’t found anyone and I’m interesting in seeing if I can try to get with my ex…is it worth trying to? What do you think about ALLLLLLL this???
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 24, 2016 at 2:05 pm
If he is lying to you, then that’s worse becaue it means he just wants you to move on.. If that’s what he wants, that means that’s what he needs to see, when he’s sure there’s a chance he will initiate or when they start having problems
Layla
November 19, 2016 at 7:49 pm
Well he replied. He said I assumed you knew I had a GF but because we were stating to become friends again I wasn’t going to talk your ear off about her and that it was normal to stop talking when he didnt want to leave his house for the past month. He ended with he does not like going through all of this again because he thought we are passed of all of this. I asked to call him to discuss because I would rather have a flowing convo then on where we text like an hour apart or more…he did not answer.
I just want to have a conversation with him to discuss how it’s not fair to me to go from texting all te time and hanging out every week to him barely writing to me, him answering me short or days later and him blowing me off. He’d never do that to his friends but for some reason he thinks he can get away with doing it to me. It’s mot right. We are past it but I’m not ast his behavior to me once again. He is doing what he did last time….cutting me off.
To top it all off too his friends don’t know Anna and him are official. They all were told they don’t want that and that he is single….is he lying to me?! or is he lying to his close friends? What do I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 21, 2016 at 9:02 pm
I actually think you need to ask and hear that. So, it’s fine that you asked it. But right now, take it that he told you the truth. Let’s say he just doesn’t want his friends to think he’s in another relationship already after you.
Layla
November 19, 2016 at 1:16 am
Well it’s done between my ex and I. I hate to admit it I cracked after 28 days of not hearing from him. I wanted to see if he would respnd well and I could be able to build a rapport as friends….he told me he couldn’t do anything this weekend because he is spending it with his GF (aka Anna). WOW. so I guess they became official. I wrote back oh I guess that must be why you went from talking and seeing me all the time to nada. HE said no they were together before it’s just that he has friends who are his friends that he does not talk to in months and that he understands if I can’t be just friends with him.
I told him I don’t want to be some friend you talk to every few months and that it fine when you talked to me all the time and wanted to see me weekly but that has changed. He just said alright. Then I wend you don’t find it strange that you can go from texting me daily for a month and wanting to hang every week and even inviting me over to thanksgiving to POOF disappearing? You do that with your friends?
No reply. I ended with your silence speaks volumes 🙂
Just wanted him to see his rather shady behaviors and reflect on it. But I know you’ll definately say I did not handle myself well but it’s fine. I’m done being the one putting in the effort.
So no salvaging no?
Layla
November 13, 2016 at 4:23 pm
Thanks Amor!
I was really hoping to hear from him by now. It’s been almost 3 weeks. What do you think happened? Going from initiating contact with me after 45 days NC. Leading up to texting me everyday & wanting to see me. To getting a job & becoming distant & finally breaking his arm and poof no contact (except the run in at the mall).
It just pains me that I can’t cal him out for this behavior. I know I’m the long run it’s for the best but I’m tired of it.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 15, 2016 at 3:41 pm
I dont think he did it on purpose. It looks like life just happened
Layla
November 9, 2016 at 1:57 pm
My best course of action is still blow him off if he communicates again and then go NC and maybe a few months from now try again?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 12, 2016 at 3:37 pm
Yeah, look like you’re moving on.. If you’re really moving on, you have to stop talking to him. You don’t have to be rude in that last text if he initiates but if he doesn’t, just continue moving on.
Layla
November 9, 2016 at 3:28 am
Sorry to be such a nag Amor! But your advice is amazing!
Alright. I hate to say it but I’m having difficulty remaining calm & collected. So as you know he was all about texting me and wanting to see me when he initiated our reconnection after things went pretty nasty the last time we reconnected after the break up. I layed low and did not initiate any of our interactions. Didn’t jump at the opportunity to see him. Made him work you know. The result was him texting everyday almost and asking to see me every week. This lasted a month and then he got a full time job and became distant. I started being the one initiating. Very cooly and not in a chasing manner. And we saw a hockey game together 5 weeks ago and had a blast. 4 weeks ago he drunk texting me to go over to his thanksgiving party with his friends and their girlfriends late at night. I did not go. His friend texted an apology to me about saying things to the ex about me going to him questioning Anna (his best friend’s ex he has been with but not official for past 6 months) & 3 weeks ago I went to his place to watch hockey and he had a serious life conversation with me. Then nothing since. A week after being at his place (so 2 weeks ago) I texted asking if he wanted to watch a match again. I discover he broke his arm and had surgery and is off work until maybe January. All this he never initiated to tell me when it happened which hurt. Worse yet he declined watching a game with me claiming he needs to concentrate on healing. When in fact I see snaps of him with Anna and friends over, and know Anna stays over way more now that he is off work and not having to wake up early. Like clearly it’s an excuse.
The only “needy” thing I said when he told me he needed to concentrate on healing (which I knew was a bullshit excuse) was ask him if it was just his arm making him not want to hang or if there was something more. I was hoping he’d maybe open up why he has become so distant or something. He just stated no it’s just the arm. I replied ok I just needed to say it because I was just suggesting something very laid back and relaxing and enjoy my company.
Didn’t hear from him since and it’s just hurtful. And 2 days ago he chased me down in the mall to talk to me but I was one my cell and was not enthusiastic to want to talk to him. So it’s clear he isn’t avoiding me or not wanting to see me or he would’ve ignored me at the mall it was not like we were going to force to cross paths.
I just don’t get his game???? Am I his back burner girl??? What do you think Amor??
Another thing. I know you suggest I don’t initiate anything and then if he texts me tell him I’m busy and the go NC and move on. Then maybe reconnect later on. But to me that’s hard because I’m tired of him getting away with the way he treated me. I want to call him out on the fact that he was all about texting me and wanting to see me then now poof cut me off again (however this time he’s cutting me off not on bad terms because now I’m not a “stalker” &I I’m not “needy” or “suffocating” & well I haven’t lost it on him about Anna like in June. But this time around we aren’t sleeping together so it’s not like I’m being played in that sense but he has played me in a way this time around without the sex. All about giving me attention and wanting my attention and now nothing. I don’t know I just feel like I’ll feel better if I call him out because I’m sick of it. Let’S say weeks from now or even months from now I get that “hey let’s go to a movie” text. I don’t want him thinking I’ll talk to him again. Because if he does try to reconnect later I feel the same crap is going to happen again. Where he wants my attention and then distances. I’m sick of it and feel he needs to know. Also god forbidden him and Anna stop whatever the heck is going on and he comes running to me. Like no. I’m not ok with that…
Sorry for all this lol! But ya what I want to know is what was his game plan? And should I confront him???
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 9, 2016 at 7:51 am
It’s ok! It doesnt look like he has a game plan. He just friendzoned you but you’re over analyzing his actions now.. which I understand..it really is confusing..but he’s not making anything offcial with Anna, so that means he’s just really enjoying being single
Layla
November 7, 2016 at 8:55 pm
Ya I guess. I’m just bothered he ran up to me and was happy to see me like I was his best friend when I haven’t heard from him in 2 weeks. Last time we talked I asked to hang and he said he needed to concentrate on healing his arm :/ but I know he has Anna over almost every day. It just hurts. I know you suggest I tell him I’m busy next time he speaks to me and then cut ties…but he has yet to talk to me. It’s just hurtful
Layla
November 6, 2016 at 11:40 pm
Oh boy Amor. I actually crossed paths with my ex today at the mall….I made it really awkward I think. I was on the phone with a friend and I saw him from afar. I knew I could get away with him not really noticing me so we wouldn’t be forced to have a conversation…
However I guess he spotted me and then ran after me and like jumped in my face with a smile being all hey hey! I stopped & looked at him with a “wtf you want look” and kept talking on my cell! He waited for me to get off but I didn’t and he asked me a question about where a store was and I answered then he said ok I got to go it’s about the close (which it was) and then left.
Was I too rude being on my phone??? I was soooo taken aback from seeing him. It just annoyed me that he went out of his way to talk to me. We could’ve crossed paths without each other knowing. I think I made it really awkward. Or do u think I put him in his place and looked like I was in control???
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 7, 2016 at 4:38 pm
hmmm..he probably just thought it was not the right time for you to talk, seeing that you were busy on the phone
Layla
November 6, 2016 at 3:21 pm
Ughhh. It’s been close to 2 weeks since I last conversed with my ex (where he claimed he didn’t want to hang out because he needs to focus on healing his arm…yet Anna is over now almost constantly at night since he has a leave at work).
It bothers me because clearly he is ghosting me and I would have rather he have a talk with me instead of cutting me off again. Way back in June when he began cutting me off I initiated a talk via text that lead to a nasty argument but I knew how he felt and I got to call him out and told him I knew he was playing me because of Anna. I felt better because I got to say what was on my mind.
Now I don’t see what the issue is. He isn’t sleeping with me (at the same time as Anna). I’m not fighting for his attention like I was before. I’m not getting angry with him. The only thing I asked if it was just the arm making him not want to hang out to see he’d open up about why he suddenly became distant.
Now I haven’t heard from him in close to 2 weeks. I was at least hoping by now he’d communicate and I’d shut him down…he also posted in snap (something he rarely uses) Anna at his house painting his guy friend’s nails. Almost like he wants me to see it.
Do you think he’ll not initiate anything? I was really hoping he would do I can be the one in control to say no then ignore…
Layla
November 1, 2016 at 2:20 am
Thanks Amor!
Just 2 things to ask before I cut ties of him.
How long should I go NC? should I ignore for like 45 days (if he even starts texting me again)
Finally, what do you think is going on between my ex and Anna? It’s been 6 months since they’ve been spending at least 3+ nights together a week, he jumped to her 6 weeks after breaking up with me. He slept with us both for a month. She tells others they are just close friends they aren’t dating. He deleted a couple looking photo when someone wrote a comment telling him his girlfriend was pretty.
Do people really go that long without the label of GF/Bf/? With me it took 6-8 weeks for us to have the BF/Gf talk (he initiated it and we became official). then like 4 weeks later he said I love you first….so basically 3 months of seeing each other he told me he loved me….
What is going on with them? Do you think it’ll fail? I feel if it does he’ll come in contact with me again. And to me that is just pathetic.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 1, 2016 at 7:13 pm
45 days is actually too short to move on.. Especially that you’ve done nc before, been distant and all.. It would just seem like you’re back and forth.. which is really what it is. 6 months is more realistic, maybe you’ve not even totally moved on from then but at least enough to stay you’re starting too..
He probably think she’s a friends with benefits for him, they can be official later on, but there is always that thought of value.. If he went this long without making things official then it’s bad for her.
Layla
October 30, 2016 at 10:41 pm
Thanks Amor!
Do I block him from Snap (the only social media I really post on). I kind of want him not knowing what I’m up to, nor have any reminders of him if he posts (which is rare).
Also, I know you can’t make a choice for me because you don’t know the emotions I feel etc. But based on our most recent text conversation do you feel number 3 is what’s best for me becuase building a rapport seems almost impossible and it seems like he takes me for granted.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 31, 2016 at 11:40 pm
if blocking him helps you, yes, block him. Yep, I actually think that’s the best choice because you really need to move on for now.
Layla
October 27, 2016 at 4:42 am
Thank you soooo much Amor!
You have been a tremendous help!
I haven’t talked to him in almost a week since we watched a game together & had that deep conversation about life lol. Buuuuut it didn’t go well. I was seeing if he wanted to do something over the weekend. He told me he broke his arm this past Saturday to the point he had surgery yesterday and can technically be off work until January. A funny story actually it happened in an arm wrestling match at a bar…Which I was hurt he didn’t share that news with me on his own. I have been going on with him on the mentality of not getting my hopes up & just being friendly.
But as his “friend” I would have thought you’d share that information with me you know. So that was a piss off.
Anyways He told me he has a party Saturday and wants to take it easy Friday…basically knowing him it is a lie. Taking it easy is code word for plans with Anna.
So after I conversed with him a little more I said ok well next week you think you’all be up for something. He was like I doubt I’ll be in the mood I just want to rest and heal. Take it easy. I said I understand but I was not thinking of anything crazy just watching a match or something. He was like watching matches aren’t the same without beer and I can’t have that since I’m on meds.
I don’t know but that just pissed me off. Because you would make time for a friend or anyone really if you enjoy their company and want to hang it with them. Plus he already stated he is going to a party which isn’t taking it easy and which means he has to avoid booze too. It’s just annoying and rude of him to say. I value myself more you know. I’m great company and I want my friends to make an effort to see me and want to see me. In his case especially i know Anna is mkst likely over each night now that he can’t work early.
Makes me feel like I’m worthless to him and that he has no desire to see me.
So I simply said sorry to say this but you sure it’s your arm not making you want to see me or is it something else? He answered it’s just the arm. We hung out last week. I told him I know, it’s just all I was suggesting was watching a match. That’s pretty laid back and you can enjoy someone’s company without a beer. So I just had to ask
Maybe I came off as needy but I needed to express how I felt. He didn’t answer. Not that I was expecting one.
Anyways needless to say I don’t see us as being friends or being able to build a rapport as friends. He has been a good friend to me really this past month since he has stopped initiating and well this recent exchange basically shows how he does not care to want or try to make time for me. I deserve friends who enjoy my company and want to spend time with me even when they are down. I especially don’t need a friend who says they need to take it easy as an excuse not to see you when they are going partying a couple days later or having the company of someone else over.
I’m just over it. That’s not really a good friend at all. I’m basically his friend when it’s convenient for him or on his terms…
So I’m leaning into number 3. Which could turn into number 4. My question now is how to a proceed with number 3. Do I ingnkre him if he ever texts me again? Or do I answer short and very non chalant I want nothing really to do with you?
What if he asks me to do something? Do I ignore or blow him off with the same excuse he throws at me “I want to take it easy”
I’m not sure how to proceed if my goal is number 3…
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 28, 2016 at 9:49 pm
For me, just one time, reply that you can’t come because you’re busy and then that’s it.. ignore all the coming texts.. he’ll basically think you’re busy..
Layla
October 25, 2016 at 9:47 pm
I almost want to have a talk with him but I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Ask him why he bother contacted me again. He knew I was not ok being dragged into him being with Anna. & well he still is with her (even though they aren’t a couple & he wants no one thinking they are based on him deleting the picture)
It’s like this elephant in the room. Neither one of us bring it up. & it hurts me that he was all about texting me & wanting to go to movies but that has stopped. Yes, maybe the job has something to do with it but I’m certain he talks to Anna everyday & goes out of his way to see her (obviously for the physical benefits too).
I guess I haven’t asked because I was waiting for him to say something. He was an ass to me in June & never addressed it now. Never expressed what he expects or wants from me. I’m also afraid if I ask he’I’ll just say friends.
I almost feel like saying why? We weren’t really friends before & you aren’t exactly being a good friend now. You rarely talk to me or ask to see me & I feel like you only do when your bored. I don’t want to be his “once a month” friend as he so eloquently told me in june.
But I know if I say how I’m feeling or discuss what’s going on he’s just going to think I’m needy or at worse a crazy ex…
But I don’t think he realizes that asking to constantly go to the movies at the beginning and the most recent drunk asking me over to thanksgiving sends a confusing message. It’s not really fair for me and he should realize it plays with my emotions. Especially since he dumped me out of no where so he has to know I can’t so easily shut off my feelings for him, like he has seemed to easily done.
Sorry I went on a rant! I guess what I would like to know is so I bring any of what I said up? Or just try to be his friend for the next couple weeks & see if it leads anywhere.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 26, 2016 at 11:55 pm
it’s ok! While reading it, I thought that maybe he did those things because there was a change in you but not enough to really go back with you,.plus he has a new girl and his friends before were probably saying something based on his friend’s apology..
There are 4 ways it can go that I can think of right now..
1)stay friends and be friendzoned
2)stay friends and try build more rapport and attraction by continuing to improve yourself and being not so available
3) Move on for now, improve yourself and then someday when eveything is in the past, reconnect
4) Just move on..
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 25, 2016 at 5:24 pm
Hi Layla,
I don’t want to get your hopes up, because this has been going on too long for you.. but it’s really good that he’s having deep conversations with you and his friend apologizing is good too because if they were not on your side before , the apology suggests that they had a change of heart about you… it still doesn’t mean he’s going back to you.
maybe he will if you keep going on like a good friend and not having a negative interaction because then he will miss those times with you that has value, substance, and fun..
but you cant keep going on like a friend, if it’s just like tha fir a.couple of months or more, either you choose to be a friend only or walk away and move on
Sarie
October 4, 2016 at 7:39 pm
Hi There,
I have been dating my bf for 2 years. For 9 months he cheated on me with a girl from his work. The other woman claimed that my bf is the one that was chasing her. However, during this 9 months, my bf keeps on telling that he still loves me. I’ve decided to end our relationship last August. Then, after a week, he brought his new gf to his friends house and introduced her. They did not like her as per his friends. I still love my BF and I just broke it off cause the pain was too much. I talked to him and he said that he still loves me and he will win me back. BUT after two days, he went out to see the other girl again. I talked to him again and he did not choose between me and the other girl. He cut his phone and deactivated his FB. Now, he hasn’t contacted any of us. He said he needs time. All of his friends are telling me to hold on because they know that he loves me. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 6, 2016 at 9:25 pm
Hi Sarie,
If I were you, I would do the no contact rule.. Please check this one:
How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back if HE Cheated On You
Jess
September 29, 2016 at 3:10 am
My ex boyfriend is strangely quiet for the past two weeks. He used to post stuff in Facebook and like photos in Instagram. Now it’s as if he disappeared in the face of the eath. I gave him time to think but I am on the point of freaking out because he might be talking to his ex gf (who’s friends with him) and dating her on the side. Sometimes I wake up and think of giving up on him entirely.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 30, 2016 at 7:19 pm
If you’re doing no contact, you should refrain from checking his posts. Well, if you just noticed the notifications are not coming along anymore, I understand. Yes, he can be doing that but even if he is, focus on your own actions. Let’s say he is talking to his ex and he forgets you, then just continue to be active in social media, so that when he logs in or when you initiate a contact and gets curious about you, he would see that you have started to move on and improved. He would feel less pressured talking to you, because you’re probably just being friendly.
victorious
September 24, 2016 at 6:54 pm
Hi,
This is more a comment and suggestion than a question.
About a year and a half ago I met a guy through my roommate. I had no idea he liked me until he came over one night and waited for me to get home from a party, while hanging out with my roommates. Apparently he’d told them why he came over, because not long after I got home, they both went to bed, leaving the two of us alone.
We hung out for a while, chatting and laughing and when he left he asked for my number. He called and asked me out later that week, and we made plans, but I was in a weird place emotionally and cancelled.
I had told him I needed to sort some things out and he gave me the space to do it, not calling or texting me the whole summer. When I saw him a few months later, he seemed annoyed that I hadn’t reached out, but we hooked up that night. He chased me the next week, but I was about to go away for a couple of weeks, so I kind of blew him off.
I was really busy when I got home, so I neglected to reach out again. When I ran into him on the street a couple of months later (turns out we worked across the street from each other for 2 years and didn’t even know), he was again annoyed at me for not reaching out, but we met for tea to discuss it.
I told him I was in a better place and ready to move forward, but he said he didn’t want to date anymore. At the time, I didn’t take it seriously and we continued to hang out, a lot. The chemistry between us has always been *insane*.
After a couple of months, we got together again, and he maintained that he didn’t want a relationship. It was a rough few weeks when we both realized we liked each other so much, but wanted different things at the time. At one point he said it felt too much like a relationship and that’s not what he wanted right now, so he left in the middle of the night and I didn’t hear from him for a month.
Eventually, he asked to meet me to apologize for the way he had treated me. During that conversation, he told me that he can’t hang out with me, because he doesn’t trust me that it wouldn’t lead anywhere more serious. (I read this as he couldn’t trust either of us…) He wanted to continue texting, but couldn’t say if or when we would be able to hang out again because we have “effortless and intense intimacy” and “undeniably mutual sexual chemistry”, that’s “very rare” and that he still likes me. He’s only ever been in serious long term relationships, the last one ending almost 3 years ago, and didn’t want to just fall into another one.
Anyway, a few months went by with us just texting. Some times I would get upset that I couldn’t see him, but managed my expectations and didn’t pressure him to hang out with me. He’s been really good at communicating where he’s at (SO RARE), and if it came up, which it did, he would tell me that things hadn’t changed for him. I took this to mean both his feelings and what he wanted at the time. He’s never once said that getting back together isn’t on the cards, and is not the kind of guy to sugar coat things to spare my feelings.
This continued for the entire summer and he would often text me if he was having difficulty with something emotionally and we would have really fun text conversations regularly throughout the week. Almost every day.
A few weeks ago he told me (out of the blue) that he had reactivated his Tinder account because he was bored and “best case scenario [he] gets laid”. I told him the conversation touched on tender spots for me, after all, we’d texted for months without him wanting to hang out, and now he was game to meet strangers over me!?
Needless to say, I was upset, but I went out that night and had told him that while it upset me to think of him with someone else, he needs to do him. I made it clear that I didn’t expect a sea change and that he should do what makes him happy.
It’s been 21 days since then, the longest we’ve gone without talking in almost a year, and I’ve been doing all of the things recommended. I’d joined a gym a few months ago and have a pretty active social life etc.
I have every intention of doing a longer nc, as I’d almost see ours as an on/off relationship and I’m also going away for 3 weeks on the day when 30 day nc should end. There’s a good chance I’ll see him the week after I get back, as it will be halloween and my roommate always have a party that he always comes to. I would be really surprised if I hear from him first, as he’s extremely stubborn.
The question/suggestion I have is regarding men who are serial monogamists aren’t commitment phobes, but want time to “play the field” before they get into a serious relationship, as there doesn’t seem to be any guide or post about that? Unless I’m missing something.
I have no idea how the post nc period is going to go, and I’m working on moving on either way, but I wonder if this is a common issue and if you have any advice.
Thanks!
Layla
October 1, 2016 at 3:22 am
Wow typos lol! So his best friend’s gf insisted Anna is still not his gf
Layla
October 1, 2016 at 3:21 am
So my best course of action is do as I did before & “move on without moving on” & well let him come to me only.
It’s super frustrating. Like how long of a rest do I give him before trying to communicate and see him.
I feel he’ok make time if he really wanted to.
How best friend gf insisted Anna is still my his gf and she has no idea why they are both letting whatever they are doing continue for so long. It’s been over 5 months. Doesn’t Anna value herself enough to realize he is stringing her along? Heck I’m sure he hides our communication. From her…
Anyways not to sound like a stalker but I have access to my exe’s video game account so I can tell when he’s at home alone playing a video game. I dont know if I should ask him to do something when I’m guaranteed he is alone playing video games and test his answer…or if I should lay low and let him come to me like I did I. The past….
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 25, 2016 at 9:39 am
Hi Victorious,
Thank you for sharing.. Hmm.. What about this one:
How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Commit
Layla
September 24, 2016 at 3:58 am
Hey Amor!
It’s me again! I decided to write on this post now because it fits me better. I’ll give you a brief run down again on my situation. I was with my ex for about a year. We saw each other for 2 months before he asked me to be his gf, and then 2 months since being official he told me he loved me. He’s 26 and I’m 31. For the last half of the relationship I basically lived with him. Anyways he broke up with me in March. He said he was unhappy with himself and needed a fresh start to get his life into gear, find a job in his field (he only worked 2 days at a shitty job), because this past year he has just been lazy and done nothing with his life. I went into NC after for about a month. Did not hear from him during it.
After NC (Mid April) I initiated texts and he became flirty. End of April we met up and we slept together. We kept texting and seeing each other a couple times a week (and hooking up). Him initiating just as much as me. But 2 weeks into this, I find out he started having his best friend’s ex, Anna, over too and hooking up with her. I actually met her the second time I went over to his place post break up. She was with one of his friends and they left and knew I was staying over to be (hook up) with my ex. Anyways apparently they haven’t spoken in over a year according to his friends. So he had us both and I ended up getting a teaching assignment next door to him so I’d see her car over in the morning and know. I wanted to put and end to us hooking up not long after (mid May) but one day he was ridiculously nice to me and treated me like his gf and not a hook up. He basically lead me on and I thought maybe he wants me back and he’ll end his thing with Anna and only want me. That did not happen.
I continued to text and initiate seeing him, but he began ignoring my texts towards the end of May. I asked what his issue was and he told me nothing was wrong he just did not feel like talking to me. I ended up going to work on the weekend and passed him on the street walking with Anna. He never said anything and I wanted to wave to show him hey I caught you but he acted like he did not see my car! I cut back on my texts but I still messaged him to see him (I honestly was hoping to have a talk in person with him). However, he began blowing me off making excuses. Plus it hurt me because he’d just say no sorry I just want to take it easy tonight, and well the next morning I’d see Anna’s car over. He kept lying to me basically and I felt like an idiot because he knew when I go to work I’d see her car. I honestly only asked him once a week to do something. I was just trying to work out a day that was good for him to see me but he’d blow me off and lie every time.
I was fed up and confronted him mid June. I told him I was tired of being the only one putting in an effort and he told me I was a borderline psycho for asking him to hang out all the time and that I was needy and suffocating him and he hates it. He told me he is even debating being friends with me because of how needy I was being. He said he did not see me as a friend he wants to hang out with each week or talk to often. He saw me as a “once a month or less friend.” I was insulted and told him how he had no issue talking and seeing me several times a week before and that out of no where it seemed to become a problem and you won’t say why. He did not respond. So a few days later (mid June still) I wrote I know what the issue is. You have Anna and you slept with us both at the same time and I’m not ok with that. That I was done being only on putting in the effort being friends with him. No response.
End of June I get a call from him claiming his friend just saw me drive by their house where they are having a party. I told him it wasn’t true. He told me he knows I stalk him and drive by his house. I said yes I worked next door to him it can’t be helped and that school is over now so I’m not in his town anymore. I told him I was happy he is calling me and talking with me when he has an issue with me because I know if I had an issue and called him he’d simply ignore me like he has. I told him it was shitty of him for getting a new GF so soon after breaking up especially when you said you needed to be alone. He laughed and said she wasn’t his GF they “hang out” (I guess FWB/not official relationship or whatever even though she is over like 4-5 times a week!). He said he knew I knew about her before I sent that text to him about her. I said ok so whats the problem with talking to me and hanging out with me. He refused to answer told me he had to go to the party. I said I’ll call you tomorrow to discuss this further because I clarified your issue now I want him to clarify mine. I called next day and as expected no answer.
I went in NC. 45 days as you suggested. Honestly, I was even debating never contacting him after it….He is still with Anna. Not officially apparently. But its been like 5 months!!! Whats going on with them? Anyways then shockingly on day 45 (August 9th) HE TEXTED ME. He invited me to a movie. I declined and said some other time…did not hear from him and a week later I initiated a text. Then we texted 50-50 initiations every few days. August 23rd went to the movie and everything was great. It was just awkward at end just saying bye and leaving. Next 2 weeks we texted 50-50 initiations every few days. You suggested going NC and only answer his texts when he initiates them due to how he really needs to chase me after his past behaviour. It worked. The following 2 weeks (beginning of September) he initiated texting me every day practically. We saw each other once both those weeks for a movie (he initiated). We had a good time but nothing happened. Last time I saw him was a week ago.
Now this week (since our last movie last week) I’m very discouraged! My score on initiating was 190 vs 30 (for me YAY!) and you suggested initiating now. Why I am discouraged this week though:
1. I have initiated texts this week but I just did not feel he was into my texts. It’s out of no where when the past 2 weeks he was all about texting me. Not crazy long conversations but still conversations he initiated.
2. He had a job interview this Tuesday that he told me about at our last movie, but the day of it, he never told me if he got the job or not. I ended up texting him at night asking him about it and he landed the job! I’m hurt he did not want to share the good news on his own. I had to inquire.
3. I asked him today to do something after I was done work. He said he was tired from a party from the night before but he would take a nap and let me know how he felt after it. He told me later he wanted to take it easy tonight so we couldn’t see each other. Well Anna’s over tonight. This hurts me. It’s like a repeat of last time where he’d constantly blow me off for her.
It’s like history is repeating itself where he lies about what he is doing because of Anna. I don’t know what his deal is. Is he interested in me or just wants to be friends? It’s confusing. Why would he want to be friends with his “stalker” and try to have me in his life again so bad after things went sooooo sour in June. HEEEE was the one who began texting me, not me. I was fine not having him in my life at the time. Then he began texting me practically every day (and asking to see me once a week). Not me. I started getting hopeful I had a chance to have him back. I just don’t know what he wants. I was hoping maybe he was testing the waters and wanting me. Until this week happened. I’m so discouraged and confused and don’t know what to do. I’m debating just giving up. I don’t want to be the person he goes to when he’s bored and Anna is busy.
Your advice would be appreciated!
Layla
October 19, 2016 at 4:17 am
Thanks so much Amor!
I’m thinking of laying low…answer when/if he texts me but not initiate anything myslef because I’m honestly tired of the way he started treating me. 2 months ago he was all about wanting to talk and hang out and past few weeks distant, and I don’t think the job has anything to do with it. I’m going to keep my guard though and not be invested in whats going on with him becuase he could be playing me and well keeping me on the back burning when he;s bored of Anna. MAybe that’s why he reached out after things went sour between us and he cut me off. He wanted to make sure I’ll give him attention in case Anna stops being his FWB…so ya that’s my plan! lay low and don’t invest in him unless he really chases me or proves he wants me.
Anyways I need your opinion on something please! You have been so helpful! As you know he posted a couple looking picture of him and Anna on Sunday. When we were together we only posted one picture together, and we were together a year! We just aren’t people who need to post and show off our lives.
Anyways the picture he posted wasn’t posted live. It was posted the next day after their activity (I know this because Anna posted her own pics of just her at the place they were at the day before so clearly when he posted it, it wasn’t like hey I just took this great shot of us together let me post it on whim. He did it the next day…..weird I find
My ex and I used to work together years ago. So we have mutual coworker friends that we don’t really stay in touch with since we don’t work there anymore. One of our old coworkers I’m close to and my ex does not know that we are. She knows a little bit about whats going on. She was livid when she saw the picture last night and she told me I’m going to get to the bottom of if they are boyfriend and girlfriend and clear up what they are. I was like how? just wait for it give it a minute, she said. I was like what did you do? She ended up commenting on the picture “awwww cute picture of you guys! You have a lovely lady!” Which honestly is something that girl would do or say so it’s not suspicious at all…and well guess what. HE DELETED THE PICTURE WITHIN MINUTES of her commenting that.
What do you think all that means? He could have simply just deleted the comment.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 20, 2016 at 10:20 pm
I think the girl likes posting photos and maybe asked him about it, so he decided to post it a day after but since they’re not really a couple, he felt awkward that other people might think they are, so he removed it..
Layla's
October 17, 2016 at 5:34 pm
Or another option I see is just continue being present like his friend….but I don’t initiate…let only him and answer & just be around…I don’t really know what I need to do
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 18, 2016 at 6:03 pm
of the choice is to move on, it’s ok to ask for closure..but the safer choice is your last option..but for me if he’s not responsive,.it would be hard to build rapport.. especially if you’re just going to wait for him to initiate all the time
Layla
October 17, 2016 at 5:22 pm
Do I have a conversation with him? Ask him what was the point of him talking to me again if he was just going to go distant again. Ask him why he bothered inviting me over late at night. I really want answers & all explain to him how he did not consider my feelings at all. Or is that a bad idea & I just go nc & cut off ties?
Layla
October 16, 2016 at 5:03 pm
Now HE posted a couple looking pic on fb with her…
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 17, 2016 at 3:35 pm
Two months? Yes, it has been a long time.. You’ve done what you can. Made time and gave space..SO, I agree. I think it’s time to move on..
Layla
October 16, 2016 at 4:09 am
Alright so I’ve havent initiated with him at all. It’s been a week since his weird late night text to go over. He did text me 2 days ago about one of my favorite hockey players. I responded funny but he did not answer my reply so clearly did not really have a conversation with me.
There’s pics on Anna’s instagram of him with her friends. And I know they aren’t official or anything. FWB basically. I know a girl who actually straight out asked her whats going on with them and she said they aren’t dating. They are just really good friends and have always been close.
Honestly though, I feel it’s been long enough. It’s been 2 and a half months since he first texted me and was all about wanting to go to movies and text me all the time. It’s been about a month since he’s been distant and stopped initiating texts or asking to see me. Aside from that text last weekend when I assume he was drunk and celebrating Thanksgiving with his friends.
I don’t know I feel it’s been enough time no? If he really wanted me or was interested he would have done something by now. I’m thinking aout just cutting him out completely at this point because I see no progress. What do you think? Has it been long enough that something should have happened by now?
Layla
October 11, 2016 at 11:38 am
I ended up texting him the next day saying sorry I was actually asleep catching up on my rest from having a late night before. What were you up to?
In a way I regret not going because even if it was a drunk text at least I would’ve been with him & his closest friends & maybe he would have tried to pull a move which I would’ve left him wanting more…but at the same time I deserve to be invited ahead of time not a last second thought.
He replied that it was thanksgiving and he had a dance party in his basement. A couple hours later I saw a pic on fb. Where they looked like they were having a good time dancing silly. I texted back I thought you said it was a dance party? Not a thrust train….he replied ya things got crazy. I said you wanted me involved with that?! Lol! He said yes lol!
I think the conversation went good….did I handle it well? Is there anything I can do to make him invite me to something else? Or do I just lay low wait for him to text & in 2-3 weeks I can text him
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 11, 2016 at 5:01 pm
It did, it went good! lay low.. if he, initiates you can reply.. at least that way, it doesn’t put pressure in him if he feeling pressure in his work..
Layla
October 10, 2016 at 5:48 am
I’m sorry to message so much Amor but I’m sooooo confused!!!
As you know last month he was all about texting me (he initiated everyday practically) & wanting to go to movies. Then recently the past 2-3 weeks he has been distant. Did not text me & when I would every so often he’d answer short & not interested in keeping a conversation. Then he started only replying to me 3-4 days later. So rude. I know he has nothing to do with his job since it hasn’t hindered him going out with friends or seeing Anna. Well today he celebrated thanksgiving with his 4 close friends & their girflfriends. All of whom I got along with and we would do games all together. It’s a tradition. I get a text after midnight: hey are you up to anything tonight?
I’m so confused!!! You think he was booty calling me? Even though he could have Initiated having me in bed after our movies since I was the one to drop him off….you think he became nostalgic because of his thanksgiving dinner?! Maybe all his friends over with their gf made him think how he wished I was there??
I don’t want to get my hopes up but what do you think it means? Heck maybe he’s just drunk for all I know…I clearly did not reply. Like sorry he should have asked me to do something earlier. Plan ahead you know. I don’t know what to respond that will help put me in a advantage you know…any ideas what I should reply? Any ideas on why he texted that late on that specific day
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 11, 2016 at 8:08 am
it’s ok! Sorry if I take time to reply..more probably he’s drunk.. but that’s good that you didn’t reply. In a positive light, it’s still good that you’re the one he thought.. Although I admit, it doesn’t mean that he didn’t text Anna too.
I don’t think a full nc should be done now.. because that would mean that you won’t answer even if initiates, but I do think that you have to lay low for now and let him be the one to initiate.. and while you’re not, you have to just keep doing what you’re doing.. And yes, if he doesn’t initiate in 3 weeks you can but if he’s still distant by that time, it would be better to move on.
Layla
October 9, 2016 at 4:15 pm
Is my best course of action to go NC (I don’t initiate anything with him) & wait for him only to initiate & I answer right away?
And if I don’t hear from him in like 3 weeks I initiate? What do yyou suggest I should do exactly
Layla
October 6, 2016 at 11:17 am
Also I know the probable answer….I get tickets a lot to hockey events. I used to go with him when we were together. If I land some tickets should I invite him? Ooooe best I have fun with someone else???
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 8, 2016 at 7:53 pm
don’t answer if you are still angry.. if you get a lot of tickets then better to go with someone else first
Layla
October 6, 2016 at 11:04 am
Thanks Amor!
How do u handle it if he texts me? Answer him the same day? Act happy go lucky?
Layla
October 5, 2016 at 4:01 am
I’ll be honest. I know you probably won’t suggest I do this but I feel like texting him: “why did you even bother talking to me again and asking to see me again if you were treat me like dirt and be an ass hole again? I would’be honestly rather you have left me alone and not talked to me again then to treat me the way you are”
I know you’ll definitely not recommend I do that. What do you recommend I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 6, 2016 at 7:25 am
yup, I wont because it’s an angry text.. it comes from a point of frustration because you’re expecting more from him, which is normal but honestly, in his point of view, it’s not his job to maintain a relationship with you anymore.. He might even think that you’re right and he’ll remember why he had broken up with you because of that text..
If he has’nt made anything official with Ana, probably either because he’s torn or he doesnt want commitment and being angry with him will just make him think he made the right decision of being distant with you..
It will really be frustrating because you have a feelings but keep the mindset of an ungettable girl.. If you feel like he’s taking the power by ignoring you and then having fun with friends, that means you should be doing what he’s doing. He should be the one missing you, not the other way around.
Layla
October 5, 2016 at 3:47 am
Wow I really don’t know how to proceed….
So as I said he took 4 days to reply to a text I sent. He basically commented on what I said and asked a question. I decided to wait around the same amount of time before texting him back (4 days). I did not feel right responding to him right away because I didn’t want him thinking I was someone he can go to when he finally feels like talking and I’ll be there right away to give him attention. I basically wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine in a way.
Anyways I replied (4 days later like him) super pleasant and told a funny story. I was hoping he’s respond right away so we can get back on track at being on friendly texting terms with each other….But atlas it didn’t happen. He did not respond.
I honestly don’t know what to do.
I presume at some point he might text me again, but do I even reply this time or should I ignore him and cut him out of my life (heck even tell him I’m done and not to talk to me anymore)? or Should I attempt to have a conversation with him about what is going on and why he is so distant suddenly. Like ask if if I did anything wrong because he is acting differently or even say I don’t like the way he has treated me lately and I deserve better because real friends would not act the way he has…
I just don’t know what to do and I tired of it!!!!
Layla
October 3, 2016 at 8:28 pm
So what do I do if he starts to initiate texts or hang outs again?
I got a reply finally to my last text just today, 4 days later….I don’t know if I should bother even responding or play his game of only talking on his terms.
I get it he has never worked full time in his life or had a real job but I know it hasn’t hindered his social life. I can tell via facebook he posts going out with his friends and well I know he goes to Anna’s as well.
I want to raise my value. Not be this person he can fall too whenever he feels like it. On his terms. Like responding short and then only answering me also 4 days later isn’t a way to have a conversation with anyone you respect or value.
Do I reply? I feel it makes me a push over if I do…he went from texting me every day & wanting to see me weekly to being distant. I don’t know if I should reply to the text he finally sent…
Layla
October 1, 2016 at 1:58 pm
Sorry to be a comment nag! I forgot to ask something else. What if he starts texting me again like he used to last month. Where he was super cheerful & interested in what I had to say and seemed to find excuses to talk to me. Unlike the past 2-3 weeks where I’ve been the only on initiating & he was very short in his answers and didn’t seem to care to ask about what’s going on with me. I continued to be up beat to get him to enjoy our convos but he didn’t seem to take the bait….
So if I lay low and let’s say in a month from now or even earlier he starts to texting me again how do I act? Should I give him a taste of his own medicine and be short back. Don’t add to the conversation or build a rapport like he has been doing?
I just hate how I let him get away with treating me poorly & basically being a push over. In May/June he treated me like crap and cut contact. Contacted me in August and we talked a lot and saw each other and we were both super pleasant. I never brought up his foul behavior. Now he seems to be cutting me off again in a way by not trying to build a rapport with me or making it fun for me to talk to him. If he does start talking to me again it seems wrong for me to act all sweet and fun when he started treating me badly again…
What would you suggest?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 3, 2016 at 4:42 pm
yes, of course it’s not ok. If he starts doing that, don’t do the same. Don’t engage in a fight. You have to set a limit for yourself on until when you would be in this ride.
Because first, it looks like he’s more focused in his job. Second he has another girl in his life.. So, you have to be better than the other girl for him to want you back but if he’s being distant then that’s less likely to happen.
Layla
September 29, 2016 at 11:34 am
So I haven’t heard from my ex. I waited a week and texted him asking about his new job. He responded right away but wasn’t really adding to the convo. Told me his work is exhausting & his commute there long.
I know he stayed at Anna’s last night so clearly work doesn’t stop him seeing people. I want to ask him to do something after work this Friday but I’m scared of rejection…how should I proceed? I’m super frustrated that he has stopped texting me almost every day & asking to see me
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 30, 2016 at 10:35 pm
because of his job.. He would really more probably stay with Anna because she’s sort of like his girlfriend.. I don’t think it’s the right time to ask to go out.. If he went a week without texting you because of his job, then it’s less likely that he would have time to go out.
You’re having less chance of making that happen now. It’s either you really lay low or move on.
Layla
September 26, 2016 at 4:43 am
Well his new job only starts this week actually. So I have no idea why he has been so distant this past week. Or why he hasn’t initiated conversations the past week and a half….I hope it changes though and he becomes interested again. I’m defiantly taking your advice on resting 2 weeks.
I’m really hoping that him starting a full time job this week (for the first time in his life!) will take his focus away from Anna…We shall see! Fingers crossed.
I have a random question. If I see my ex again and we’re doing an interesting and fun activity, is it wrong for me to post it on Facebook without asking him? Like tag myself with him at the place or posting a picture of the activity and tagging him (or heck brave taking a pic with him in it!)? I ask because at least once a month Anna tags my ex and her in pictures together (never just the two of them though…always with a friend his friends or hers). Like in June it was a group of them at beer fest, July a group of them at a party, August a group at a football game, September her birthday party. He never posts or tags the pictures though. It’s only her, but he clearly accepts the tag. Since my ex never really posts on social media his facebook page is pic after pic of him and her (and at least 1-2 others with them in the shot) since our break up. TO a stranger it would honestly look like she’s his girlfriend. Since the aren’t “official” they apparently act just like only friends in front of their friends even though they all know they are super close and spend a lot of time together and well hook up…
Will I piss him off if I post something with him? My motive to do this is to make Anna secretly jealous, and well also to test my ex. To see if he is comfortable showing others he is spending time with me like he clearly has no problem showing others he is spending time with Anna. I honestly think he hides the fact he is talking and hanging out with me again from her….Like he is hiding her from me (yet I can clearly see it on facebook). What are your thoughts? Anyways I have no idea if he’d even pose for a pic with me to be honest…or how he’ll react if I ask to take one…or how he’d react if I go the easy route and just tag the two of us at the place…
Not sure if this is a good thing to do! (Also it might be strange for those who follow me seeing me spending time with my ex….)
What are your thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 26, 2016 at 12:08 pm
If you had a picture together with him, it’s normal that you would post it and tag it. Try hinting on it instead of asking persmission about it. Like saying, “Let’s choose a good light for Instagram/Facebook/Snapchat.” Make sure he hears it. And then after it, inform it. Like, “Oh! That’s nice. Don’t worry I’ll tag you later!”
He’ll say it if he doesn’t want to be tagged
Layla
September 24, 2016 at 10:22 pm
Thanks Amor!
I do want to hopefully have a talk with with and ask that question. I’m just scared I’ll scare him off.
I really just don’t know how to read him. I just don’t get why he was the one contacting me again and then began texting me everyday these past 2 weeks & also asking to see me once a week this month. But this past week he is distant. I know a new chapter in his life is starting this week & that’s a big change for for him (for once in his life he’s going to be working full time in a job in his field). Not sure if that plays a part on why he hasn’t texted me or asked to see me. It’s just frustrating that when I finally initiate seeing him he says he’all let me know how he feels and then clearly Anna was free to go over so he rejected seeing me for her…
What’s my best bet now? Give it a Rest? If so How long do I wait for him to initiate a text or hangout with me before I initiate myself again if I don’t hear from him?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 25, 2016 at 10:31 am
Yes, I think he’s more focused in his new job now.. Well Anna is the current, it’s not awkward for him to see her popping up in his place. If he doesn’t initiate in two weeks, you can..
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 24, 2016 at 6:14 pm
Hi Layla,
I don’t know if you read my reply to your last other post, so I’m just informing your that I had a reply there.
Hmm. Maybe he was tired after that day, so he didn’t really wanted to talk about the job.. But if your gut feel tells you that he’s just stringing you along, then stop talking him. But I have feeling that you would want to ask him about why he changed your mind about talking to you..
angela
September 21, 2016 at 6:53 am
Dear EBR team
I have been dating this guy LDR from the start for a year, and he and I have gone through a lot of obstacles, such as the objection from his mother etc. He is younger than me and still in uni, while I only have 1 semester left and will be working soon. He recently signed a contract in the UK for the next 5 years for both studying and working and I was still figuring out my career path, but my options will be better if I stay in where I am now.
We didnt have much problems originally, but as work piles up for him, we didnt communicate as much and last Friday, I mentioned we need to make a plan or else we cannot last long for the coming 5 years LDR. He cried, and he said he needed some space to figure out a plan, but he promised he wouldnt leave me. 2 days ago, he told me he couldnt see a future in us, and that he just wanted to be alone. Even though we tried, sometimes I couldnt resist him finding me and sometimes, when i called, he responded as if nothing happened but whenever I wanted to talk about being back together, he told me we could talk about this for another time. I see that he is suffering too, but yet he always said that its a phase that he needs to go through and it will pass for both of us… so what should i do now? I really love him, and I don’t mind moving to where he is because I love him… so much… and I will try my best to make things work..
please help.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 22, 2016 at 10:33 pm
Hi Angela,
You should read this one: The Complete Guide To Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back In A Long Distance Relationship
dayle
September 14, 2016 at 4:32 am
what do you do if your ex is never the first one to start the conversation. He has been responding positively to all my texts Does it matter that I have to text him first each time. I feel kinda lame!
dayle
September 23, 2016 at 11:54 pm
I do feel like the conversations are engaging. He does ask questions and the responses are long. I just don’t see him initiate. Should I give it a week or two to see if he initiates? Also is it a lost cause if he does not initiate at all. Thanks.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 24, 2016 at 5:11 pm
it’s ok if he doesn’t initiate. As you’re as you’re the one ending it and that you have good conversations.
dayle
September 18, 2016 at 2:25 am
I believe I am ending the conversation 4 out of 5 times. One time he randomly stopped replying (but that was common when we were together as well).
It’s been a week since we started talking and I would initiate the conversation each time (we don’t talk everyday). Usually he would ask questions too. How do you know if someone is only talking to be nice or if they are just curious or if they are really interested.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 20, 2016 at 11:27 am
if its’ not really an engaging conversation, the more probably he’s just talking to be nice. You have to think about interesting topics. Don’t expect him to show more affection at this time. Think of him as someone who doesn’t have feelings for you that you are trying to attract.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 17, 2016 at 12:04 pm
Hi Dayle,
are you ending the texts in a cliff hanger way? What matters more is you’re the one that’s ending the text at high note.
Dee
September 12, 2016 at 5:52 pm
I was with my boyfriend for 2 years. We lived together. He is a police officer and has a lot of stress. Things were getting tense. I wanted more effort. When it came to bills, cooking, and cleaning- I was usually the one to put more effort. I kept asking him to put more effort into the relationship (like cuddling for 5 mins or giving me a compliment). He called it nagging. After a day of him not talking to me and him ignoring me all day, I left. I was hoping it would make him realize how much I do for him. Long story short- it backfired. It’s been a month. He says he doesn’t know what he wants now… he says he loves me but doesn’t want to be in a relationship. He finally has his structure down (workout, write reports, work, sleep)… without me. He says he knows that I’m a good girlfriend which is why he wants to keep me close. He had always used the excuse that when he’s 30 he’ll start settling down. He turns 30 tomorrow. At first my thought was if he really sees a future with me and knows this break will get there- I’m ok waiting. But last night he said that he isn’t a planner and doesn’t plan things ahead.. He’s also using the fact that I left to say that he can do whatever he wants now cuz I’m the one to leave. I’m so confused. I know I can’t force anyone to be in a relationship with me but I guess I’m just looking for advice. He says he’s not asking me to wait but he does love me. Do I wait for him? Or do I start NC? Or do I just try to get over him?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 14, 2016 at 2:09 pm
Hi Dee,
honestly, I don’t think it backfired. He’s just being consistent. He didn’t care before, and he still didn’t care after you left.. It’s like you are just there for companionship. He loves the company, the service you give, but not really you because if he does love you, he would have shown it, and he would have made an effort.
If I were you I would move on, but if you still want to try, try being in 30 days no contact first and just focus in making a new routine that you will continue after rebuilding rapport with him..