Should You Give Up On Your Ex Boyfriend? Let's Explore That Idea...

264 thoughts on “Should You Give Up On Your Ex Boyfriend? Let’s Explore!”

Blair

August 15, 2016 at 3:21 am

Hey EBR team, I broke up with my boyfriend after 2 amazing years together as we are both young (18 years old to be precise) and he realised that he had certain plans for his life (such as working, travelling alone and studying hard) that are incompatible with a relationship and need to be accomplished in order for him to be ready to commit (he has shown a lot of signs that indicate that he would be willing to give the relationship another try in the future, though) . I gracefully accepted the breakup because it felt right and haven’t contacted him in a week. However, I’m dubitous whether I should start a plan to get him back or just let it go, because I truly believe that what we had was great. What do you think?

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 16, 2016 at 5:06 pm

HI Blair,

Well, you can do no contact and then decide on that on the end of no contact.. try it.. Just focus on making yourself happy and disconnecting from him for a while.. do 30 days and then after that decide if you want to try or continue moving on

Kelly

August 14, 2016 at 4:53 pm

Not really sure if this is worth trying to get him back…a little help please 🙂

We have been together for a little under a year and he was very attentive to me and my children, chivalry wasn’t dead with him. He had no problem going exclusive and told me he loved me after about 4 months together. I started to bring up feeling hidden by not meeting his parents or friends. He told me he was scared of failure, what if it didn’t work out. So, I tried to get through it and press on. We spent quite a bit of time together and then my job started taking a toll on me and he started struggling with where he wanted to be in life. The last month or two have been a struggle with the both of us. A few weeks ago I had a very candid conversation with him where I told him if I didn’t meet family or have some solid connection to his life I would leave. He said that he struggles with someone being mad or upset with him but still loving him. He said he needed me and didn’t want to lose me. Fast forward to a regular evening where he came over, we cooked dinner, talking and stuff then we went to bed. Not to get too graphic but something happened where I felt insecure about a possible cheating scenario. I spoke up about it and he was shocked. He said he couldn’t be with someone who didn’t trust him. I said it’s not that I don’t trust you, it that’s because I feel so hidden, it plays on my insecurities. Then I listed all the things that have happened that caused this feeling. He agreed. Saw how they would lead me to where I am. He sat in silence for a few and then calmly said I have to let you go. I can’t love you the way you need and deserve to be loved. He said that I brought up that I make decisions for us as a unit and he can’t say that he does the same. I called him selfish, he said he was. Then he said to me that he knows I’m in love with him and he just loves me. It’s not fair to me. He also said, here’s me being selfish and I know it can’t happen but I really wish we could be friends. He didn’t want to leave but I didn’t ask him to stay. As he was leaving he kept hugging me and kissing me and telling me he loves me. When I opened the door for him to walk out, he just stood there and stared at me…it was such a sad break up. The next day he texted good morning. I said to him today, I feel empty. He said likewise. I was so hurt and I texted him that. He said that it wasn’t easy at all for him but that he had a lot of internal things to address that are preventing him from giving all of himself to me. He said he didn’t want to leave but he knew he had to because of the things he told me (mainly not being in love with me). He said he truly loves me but loves me enough to know he can’t keep hurting me because he’s not loving me the way I deserve. I told him that what hurt the most was there was no fight for me. No let’s slow down and try to work through these things. He said that’s the pessimist in him that he didn’t even know slowing down was an option. I then asked him was there something wrong or something that changed and he said nothing was wrong but that he’s at a very weird place and doesn’t know why or how to shake it. The next day I broke and told him that this was so hard and I missed him etc. he responded with being sad as well. I said it didn’t have to be this way but it is and that I’m sorry to keep reaching out, that I would do better. Finally, I said I still love you to him and he replied with I’ll always love you. That was Thursday of last week. Friday I decided that I was going to stop talking to him. I found out from a friend that he was already back on the dating site we met on (which stung pretty bad, 3 days after breakup) and then he texted me a link to a news article on a show we watched together that evening and I have not responded. This is day three of NC for me.

First, I’m sorry for such a long post…second, I’m confused on his words vs. actions. Yes, he wouldn’t commit with me meeting family etc. but that’s the only trait he doesn’t check off when you read all the articles on does he really love you, etc. (lol. Don’t judge me. I’m just trying to process). So, back to my original questions, can you give me a little insight on where to go, if it’s even worth it to fight for him back? Of course, all my friends are saying no because I’m the only one fighting etc. he just moved on like it was nothing. I am having a really hard time with this as this is the first man I’ve given my heart to since my nasty breakup 8 years ago. I am however, working on a better me.

So, from your perspective, what does his break up reasons really mean and why would he tell me he will always love me? Is this worth fighting for? Do you think there’s a chance there that he would come back?

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 16, 2016 at 1:17 pm

Hi Kelly,

ignore the birthday..

He loves you but is not in love with you means there’s not desire for you.. He’s not that attracted.. It’s like, he just likes you but not really love “love” you.. Do you get it? He likes some traits of you, he likes having sex with you, but there’s no feeling of not wanting to lose you.. because to be honest.. and I know this is going to hurt but I have to say it, he’s not seeing anything special with you that he would be afraid to lose. You know that feeling of being in love is different from staying in love.

anon

August 13, 2016 at 5:20 pm

My ex broke up with me on january, I went through a really hard time after the breakup but I decided to never contact him again and just move on. I’m pretty sure I’m over him but he still lingers in my mind, like, I wouldn’t get back with him at all and I don’t want to be friends with him because he treated me pretty badly(and he even started treating his friends badly), but he seems to stay there in my mind. Also, he got a new girlfriend and I share a lot of traits with her(ex: we both want to be artists, our moms are bakers, we are from the same country, we play the same video games, we like the same kind of music, etc). He recently wished me a happy birthday after months of no contact, and I didn’t wish him a happy birthday because I’m doing the 1year no contact(Even though I replied with a “thank you” and thats it). My friends say he’s looking for me in another girl, it’s strange, but I want him to stop lingering in my mind.

Anon

August 17, 2016 at 1:38 pm

I’m aware of it, but I get a weird feeling whenever I see pictures of him with his new gf, it’s not jealousy nor sadness. It’s a strange feeling that makes me uncomfortable. Like, the fact that he left me and now he’s dating someone who’s scarily similar to me(personality wise) makes me feel strange. I don’t want him at all nor I love him, but I want to feel absolutely nothing for him. Ugh I seriously want to stop caring but I don’t know how.
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 18, 2016 at 8:07 pm

don’t.. That’s the thing you have to acknowledge.. You can’t stop the feelings. Acknowledge it when you feel it and then remind yourself of the reasons why you shouldnt and then go back to your activities before you felt it and continue that activity even if you feel hurt or something.. let it pass but don’t focus on the feeling.
anon

August 15, 2016 at 3:53 am

I forgot to mention, after he got his new gf I was stalking him on social media like crazy, it kinda stopped but I can’t help it, is this making me more harm?
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 16, 2016 at 5:08 pm

yes, but the good news is you’re aware of it now. So, at least you can avoid it now.
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 14, 2016 at 8:34 pm

Hi Anon,

the more you stop it, the more he will linger.. acknowledge it when he passes by your mind.. it’s normal.. and then go back to your activities.. and also, maybe you haven’t noticed.. over time that will lessen. the more you focus on other things and meeting new people, the less you think about him

J

August 12, 2016 at 4:30 am

Ok so my question isn’t totally related to this article but it’s one that I can’t find the answer to on here so far.
I am no stranger to EBR. In fact, exactly a year ago (funny how I keep getting dumped before my birthdays) I was here trying to get my last ex back after being together for 4 months. And it worked at first. It wasn’t until after NC that I found out he had been cheating on me for half of our relationship and was cheating on his then gf with me after NC. Crazy right? Needless to say, I cut him off.
Now fast forward to today, a year later exactly, I am having issues with my new (as of today) ex boyfriend. He is a very bad communicator by phone specifically (with everyone in his life) and this has plagued our relationship for almost the entire 6-7 months. Nonetheless, we worked thru it and things actually seemed to be getting better. He has always been very affectionate and present, never pressured me into anything, and was chivalrous in every sense of the word. Really a sweet guy.
This break up seemed to come out of nowhere. Last week I had met his dad and that whole side of the family. He even started calling me by his last name. After we spent a seemingly normal evening together, it was hard for me to get in contact with him for the next 3 days. Fed up with his lack of communication, when I finally got a hold of him today, we agreed to discuss this in person. Here is where he proceeded to break up with me. Telling me that the timing isn’t right, he feels guilty that he has no job, no money, no car and I have been picking his slack up for the past 2 months. I did not have a problem with this btw. He also said that since school is about to start, he feels we won’t have any time for each other due to our busy schedules and it just won’t work. But he still has feelings for me and wants to be friends.. he just “can’t handle the responsibility of having a gf right now” with everything going on. (He’s been very stressed and discouraged in looking for a new job). He even went as far as saying how great of a girl I am, and everything he loves about me, and that any guy would be lucky to have me. Adding he knows he’ll probably regret doing this. I’ve never understood why guys break up with their gfs at the times they need us most. I’m his biggest and only support system.
I tried to convince him to reconsider for a few min, but he just kept telling me it’s not going to work so I just let it go.
The dilemma I have is this: in 4 days, we had planned to go on vacation with his brother and his brothers gf for 3 days for my birthday. I’m not 100% sure if I want to get back together because I’m still hurt and normally, today would be the day to start NC. But with this vacation coming so soon after the break up, I’m not sure if I should just take the financial loss and not go or suck it up, show him I’m ok, and start NC right after. His brother is adamant that this is all we need to get back together and he “knows for a fact” we will after this but I’m not as confident about that as he is. Vacationing with an ex is tricky. :/

J

August 17, 2016 at 3:01 am

Definitely not. No changes can force him back. I said the same thing about him not really wanting to go to his brother. Of course he defended him. I went into more detail about the entire break up and current situation on the “if he wants to be friends” article. I had questions about if I’m considered friendzoned if NC started right after the break up where he said he wanted to stay friends, how to handle mutual friends during NC (i.e. His brother), iPhone read receipts during NC, and others.
U have been great so far Amor, thank u so much 🙂
J

August 15, 2016 at 4:23 am

Hey Amor,

Back with an update quicker than I thought. Turns out, my ex can no longer come on the trip because he has to work every day of it. Ironically. It’s amazing how he couldn’t find a job for 2 months but gets one within 3 days of our break up. He didn’t even let anyone know. His brother had to chase him down! Starting NC immediately.
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 16, 2016 at 5:50 pm

that means he really didn’t want to go.. that’s good that you’re starting nc.. focus on improving yourself for yourself.. ok.. not for him.. 🙂
J

August 13, 2016 at 2:06 pm

Thank u so much for ur reply Amor,

Since we last spoke, which was 2 days ago now when he broke up, he has told me and his brother he still wanted to come. His brother keeps stressing to me how he wouldn’t want to come if he was completely done, especially because we’re going to an amusement park and he barely rides anything.
I’m keeping in mind everything I’ve learn from EBR and rereading some of the articles trying to piece together the best plan. I think if I play this correctly, going with him “as friends” like he wants and with no expectations and then starting NC for 30 immediately after could be very effective because it will give him more positive memories to look back on when the “I miss her” stage of the male break up should kick in.
Of all the reasons he gave when he was breaking up and after rereading the “if HE broke up with u” article, I feel that he got bored of us doing the same things which was caused by his lack of money, job, and a car. So a combination of bordem and “wealth aspect” issues (I’ve been reading EGR too 😉 ).
I’m gaining confidence that vaca and then NC will be beneficial in the long run but u are the expert, any additional advice?

Thanks so much
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 14, 2016 at 7:49 pm

thank you too! but let us know how he will be with you at that day and after it
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 13, 2016 at 11:59 am

Hi J,

did he say he still want to go? If you can’t have fun while he’s there, don’t force yourself. Can’t you go with other friends instead? or go alone? If not, think about where you would be more comfortable.. staying or exploring?

Chanel

August 11, 2016 at 9:37 pm

My ex boyfriend and I been together for a little under 6 years and we are both 23 years old. He broke up with me about 2 months ago. I found out that he was cheating on me because the girl posted a picture of them on Instagram. I confronted him about the picture and instead of him apologizing and owning up to it like I was expected, he decided to break up with me because he said I was “controlling” and “abusive”. He cheated with this girl and others in the past. I would always get angry and try to hit him or lash out which is why he broke up with me because he was supposedly tired of me hitting him. I must admit that I handled the situation wrong indeed. Someone also made up fake Instagram accounts and sent him & me messages trying to expose him. He thinks it was me who made up the messages & doesn’t have anything to say to me whatsoever. I feel as though my ex had the potential to be a great boyfriend if only he stopped cheating. I have a reason to believe that he is now spending most of his time with her after the break up. I’m wondering if he loves her or is he just using her to fill the void of me not being around. After that little summary do you think it’s impossible to get him back. Should I try to attempt the no contact rule? I would like to at least try to establish a friendship again.

Chanel

August 14, 2016 at 9:16 pm

Amor,

Thanks for your reply. I’m going to remain optimistic and continue doing nc for 45 days as you suggested. During this time I’m going to focus on becoming a better me and learn to control my emotions. If he is involved with someone else, hopefully it’s nothing serious. I wish I started nc sooner, it took me 2 months to be able to stop contacting him in some way. It’s hard, but each day gets easier.
Chanel

August 13, 2016 at 11:30 am

Hi Amor,

I just started nc over so I’m only on day 3. We broke up a little over 2 months ago but I found it extremely hard to not contact him in some way. I was nervous that during this time apart he would get close to some one else or one of the girls he cheated with. I’ve practically known him my whole life & would like to at least be friends with him post nc. Do you think this is possible to accomplish considering the circumstances? What if there is a new girl invloved in his life?
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 14, 2016 at 6:50 pm

Hi Chanel,

I’m not sure if you saw my reply to your previous comment. So, I”m going to paste it in the end also..
anyways, given the circumstances plus he’s attitude, he will really likely have a new girl by his side while you’re in no contact.. but even if you don’t do no contact, he will still do it. Because he already did it to you.

If I were you, I’ll either leave him or do nc at least because I have to get my self esteem and rational thinking back.

Here’s my reply to the other comment

Hi Chanel,

his mom does have a point. He is young and he will want to explore..But that doesn’t mean cheating is right.. if he was done with your relationship, he should have just broken up with you instead of cheating..
I understand that it hurts..but right now, you have to grow up and find your worth.. do 45 days of no contact so you can heal and start being more independent.. and you have to continue the activities you started during nc even after nc is done.. because nc is just to help start a new lifestyle
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 12, 2016 at 7:50 pm

Hi Chanel,

his mom does have a point. He is young and he will want to explore..But that doesn’t mean cheating is right.. if he was done with your relationship, he should have just broken up with you instead of cheating..
I understand that it hurts..but right now, you have to grow up and find your worth.. do 45 days of no contact so you can heal and start being more independent.. and you have to continue the activities you started during nc even after nc is done.. because nc is just to help start a new lifestyle
Chanel

August 11, 2016 at 9:58 pm

Is this a hopeless situation or is there still hope?
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 12, 2016 at 7:50 pm

Hi Chanel,

his mom does have a point. He is young and he will want to explore..But that doesn’t mean cheating is right.. if he was done with your relationship, he should have just broken up with you instead of cheating..
I understand that it hurts..but right now, you have to grow up and find your worth.. do 45 days of no contact so you can heal and start being more independent.. and you have to continue the activities you started during nc even after nc is done.. because nc is just to help start a new lifestyle

A C

August 11, 2016 at 6:56 am

Hello EBR team. I need serious answers and guidance. I’ve posted about this before but my ex was being completely receptive to my efforts and I felt as though we were making a lot of progress. For the past month and a half every opportunity he had he would tell me of “things were going to do when we get back together” and always saying “when we do”. Now I can admit I got more and more comfortable with this and I started to take it and run. The past few weeks I would look for ways to sneak in ideas where he would give me these types of responses and I became very confident. I would even kind of give him shit about him being on tinder in the meantime (Chris has mentioned that he thinks he’s looking for slight revenge because I kissed someone while we were together), and if he would stop responding in a conversation I would slip in that I feel like he needs to make more of an effort. He’s been speaking a lot of being extremely stressed because he is dealing with financial issues as well as being unhappy with his career choice. Yesterday for the first time he said “I promise we will do ___ IF that day comes” and I asked him why it changed to if. He told me that it’s always been an if, because how can we say 100% for sure. I said I agreed that it made sense and I asked him if he wants that or if he sees it happening. He said maybe, and that he’s been so ridiculously overwhelmed he’s tried not to figure that out yet. I said I was sad he couldn’t just say if he wanted to and I’m just the type that needs validation. He then sent a long message saying that “I have absolutely no idea when I’m going to be ready, I can’t tell you a definitive Time. I’ve hit a point where I feel completely lost in my life right now and I’m trying so hard to figure that out that I can’t be focusing on dating right now. Some days I’m positive other days I’m not. I don’t know how I feel about absolutely anyone and I’m just really overwhelmed and on an emotional roller coaster. I think it’s best if you get out while you can i can’t tell you exactly what will happen and I really don’t want to hurt you.” So I apologized and said that up until then he seemed so positive and all of a sudden he is pushing me away and he’s going to ruin it for good if he continues that. And to tell me if he wants me to get off the ride. He responded the next day and said that he just needs space to figure everything out. That he’s fine talking and stuff but not to smother him because that’s when he starts to panic and push.

I felt like there was so much progress and now that I’ve smothered him and he’s saying he’s not positive or that he can’t give me answers I feel as though all of that progress is erased and I’m back to the beginning.

My question is this, do you think I still have a chance? Now that I know that I was smothering him, if I stop and take it his pace do you think he will come around? He was sounding so positive until I started to try and push to hurry things along. What do I do from here, start back from NC?

Thank you so much in advance – AC

A C

August 12, 2016 at 5:59 pm

Thank you so much amor.. I don’t know if i am ready to date others but I can take the focus off of him and more onto myself and my goals.

Does it seem like I can still get him back?
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 13, 2016 at 3:15 pm

hmm.. you can try a group date with your friends or better yet, meet new people, make new friends and go out with them. Hmm… I think there is, especially if he can see in you what he says.. because I think what he basically says is that he doesn’t want you to chase him. He wants you to have your own life apart from him.
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 12, 2016 at 2:11 pm

Hi Ac,

at least you know you can build rapport.. You don’t have to do another nc but you have to be less available..he actually said what you should do..be more active in your own life.. start to date others too

ASHLEY

August 11, 2016 at 5:41 am

Hi, I need help (and clarity).. Hope you can help. I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago after finding out if he cheated on me. We moved to a different country together after getting job offers from the same company. We live together, we work together. I managed to move out of the house after breaking up with him, and in the first weeks of breaking up we were still contacting each other, sending both hot and cold signals, the usual.. I know he’s not decided on what he wants in life. He says he loves me but is sad and frustrated cause he says he can’t commit to me and he doesn’t know why. Anyway, after a week of no contact I’ve realized a lot of things, including forgiving him and accepting that bigger things (better than him) are in store for me. We had our closure talk, and I was sure to make it clear that I accept that we are not good for each other now because we have different plans (i want to build a family soon..) So everything is good and we agreed to just be friends. He even invites me to go on a very casual dinner with him once a week. Take note, we still work together but we don’t talk at all if not needed. Also other things to note: he’s cheated before on his ex gf too, he’s overall a very kind person, he underwent a very rough parental divorce when he was younger, i know he loves me but isn’t sure of himself. Can you please help me decode what’s happening here? If you’re going to suggest I do no contact with him, how am I going to do this if I see him at work everyday, and I initially agreed to the weekly dinner? How can I do that, and what benefit could it possibly give in this situation? Thank you so much.. Would really appreciate some clarity on this..

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 12, 2016 at 2:02 pm

Hi Ashley,

Honestly, I think he just haven’t met the person that will make him think and realize that if he doesn’t clean up his act, he will lose that person or you haven’t done that yet…because like right now, it’s good that you forgave him but if you really want a higher chance of him making an effort for you or changing for you, then don’t stay as a friend.. not right now at least and don’t be too available..

although we don’t guarantee that no contact will work, in your case it’s role is to help you have a life apart from him, be more independent and meet new people.. that way it may help him see that you’re not going to give him the same benefits of being together with just being friends..

Rainbow Macarons

August 11, 2016 at 5:31 am

Hi there I lost track of my old comments if you remember me? Amor the one been replying me each time and I’m grateful for that
Previously I mentioned that I finished NC but had yet to initiate contact.
He had a new gf just slightly before NC started and seems happy now. I think she is a rebound? She seems to be really different from me or the exgf before me. They got tgt within two months after we broke up.
Previously he said I was too emotional and I don’t know when he felt that way, he only mentioned in 2 months after we broke up, right before NC
I tried to learn to control my emotions better, work on awareness. I made new friends I do feel better but times when I see him n the new gf photo online I am really hurt.
It got me really confused to whether I should try to get him back? Or should I move on.
I don’t know how to reach out to him too. He has never contact me during NC

Rainbow Macarons

August 12, 2016 at 2:08 pm

I told him I got a new job and it went fine
But today he seems a little cold
If I use the tide theory I think I failed badly cause we kinda message a lot in a neutral way?
I still don’t know whether it’s right cause he seems to be distant now and he is four years younger than me so we are in different stages of life. I’m working and he isn’t. Realistically speaking it hard to imagine a future now.
I’m meeting him tml to return him his stuffs that he asked for. Really mixed feelings now.
I dont really know how to start a topic without feeling fake.
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 12, 2016 at 1:53 pm

yeah, I think it’s time to try now
use a topic he loves and then use a style on the texting rules blog post

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264 thoughts on “Should You Give Up On Your Ex Boyfriend? Let’s Explore!”