Ready to learn if it’s time to use the no contact rule in your situationship?

In this post I’m going to talk about three of our most asked questions revolving around the effectiveness of no contact,

1. Will The No Contact Rule Make Your Situationship Commit?
2. What Will Make A Situationship Commit?
3. Signs It’s Time To Go No Contact In Your Situationship

A lot to cover in this one so let’s dive right in.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Will The No Contact Rule Make Your Situationship Commit?

I feel very confident that I’m one of the foremost authorities on the no contact rule in the world.

Not only have I written a book about it but I also run one of the largest breakup websites online. To say that my team and I have a lot of experience with no contact would be a vast understatement.

Here’s the truth.

Individuals hitching their wagons to the no contact rule as the primary reason for why an ex or a “situationship” type situation will eventually cause your partner to commit are doomed to be disappointed.

We already know that most of our clients who use a no contact rule on their exes don’t actually increase the odds of having an ex reach out to them.

So, why is it then that everyone online continues to trumpet the importance of the no contact rule?

Well, it has more to do with how the no contact is implemented.

It’s one of the reasons I’ve updated our official definition of the no contact rule,

The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you.

Notice how this amended version of no contact makes it less about the ex or the partner and more about your own personal growth.

This is the secret sauce.

And this is what allows you to build the foundation for what can actually make a situationship commit.

Which, if we’re being honest, is what you really want.

But all this talk about the no contact rule being a non starter for commitment makes it seem like I’m warning you away from using it in a situationship.

So, what gives?

Should You Be Using A No Contact Rule In A Situationship?

In one word,

YES!

But only if you understand HOW to use it properly and for that I think you might need a lesson on what causes individuals to commit.

Last year I wrote this pretty epic article on commitment (it got almost no attention.) Even filmed a video for it,

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Again, very little attention.

(Can you tell I’m salty?)

Well, the discussion there is particularly relevant for our conversation today. I basically argue that there are six core tenets that goes behind every commitment decision.

1. Satisfaction
2. Scarcity
3. Fear of Loss
4. Urgency
5. Investment
6. Alternatives

Each one is interconnected.

Which means if you lack any of these things you run the risk of failing to get a commitment.

A situationship is by definition a romantic relationship that is in perpetual limbo. It’s undefined.

So, if you look at the six tenets where does it fail?

1. Your partner has no urgent reason to commit to you (they are happy to keep you in limbo)
2. They may be satisfied so good job there
3. The fact that your relationship is undefined means they ARE keeping their options open for a better alternative
4. You’ve allowed yourself to be stuck in limbo which means they aren’t really afraid of losing you
5. You aren’t a scarce resource in their mind, which is why they haven’t committed
6. They might have invested a lot of time into your relationship though

By my count that’s four links in the chain that fail our little spot check.

1. Urgency
2. Alternatives
3. Fear of Loss
4. Scarcity

The reason I’m going to argue that the no contact rule is a smart tactical decision is because it can literally attack those four areas where you are weakest.

1. Using the no contact rule creates fear of loss
2. It gives you time to start going on dates with other people
3. Which in turn creates more of an urgent reason to want to lock you down
4. And finally you make yourself a scarce resource

Now, very rarely does it all work out perfectly like that. We do live in an imperfect world but I believe the theory is sound.

Why It Can Be Terrifying To Use No Contact In A Situationship

I’m also aware of the fact that there is going to be a vocal percentage of the situationship population that will be terrified to use the no contact rule. In their mind doing so will remove any relationship off of the table.

And that could technically be true.

But I suppose the argument to make here is more based around mentality than anything else.

Albert Einstein famously said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time.

I view situationships much in the same way as on again/off again relationships. One of the primary things to do in those circumstances is find a way to break the cycle. By playing it safe and allowing yourself to remain in a situationship you are really doing two things.

1. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result
2. Losing your persons respect

Last year I talked about this idea of the pedestal mentality,

Inherently we always want to be dating someone that we think is either equal to us are better than us.

What we don’t want is to be dating someone that we consider to be “below us.”

When I think of situationships I think of one party deeming themselves better than the other party and that’s not going to do in my book. No, that’s why I think it’s actually a smarter decision to rig the game in your favor.

After all, if you want to get the guy you have to be willing to lose the guy.

So, even though I think that everyone in a situationship should be implementing a no contact rule what I’d like to do is highlight those situations that are in the most dire need of a no contact reset.

Signs It’s Definitely Time To Go No Contact In Your Situationship

I don’t want to get too far into the weeds on these because this article has already run at the edge of your attention span probably but I will say this, these are the situations where you desperately need to go no contact as soon as possible,

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• You’ve Been Stuck In Limbo For More Than Three Months
• Your “Partner” Has A Side Piece
• You Are Stalking Their Social Media Every Day
• They Are Disrespectful To You

Stuck In Limbo For More Than Three Months

This goes back to that Albert Einstein quote. You’ve tried it your way for three months and you are still in the same place as you started. Though I think it can be argued that you are in a worse place. Stuck in limbo with a partner who might think they are better than you.

Do yourself a favor and show them that they aren’t.

Your Partner Has A Side Piece

Ah, the old friends with benefits trap.

You are friends with this person.

You sleep together

Act like a couple.

But they sleep with other people while giving you permission to do the same to them.

I have two words for you, no contact.

You Are Stalking Their Social Media Every Day

If you are to the point where you are hyper obsessing over every little thing they are doing on social media then do yourself a favor and change the game.

I’m not saying you have to block them but I am saying you need to start creating healthier habits for your life.

They Are Disrespectful To You

Then show them you won’t allow them to treat you that way.

Go no contact.

Stand up for yourself with an action.

Remember, when in doubt that actions always speak louder than words.

Silence, perhaps is the loudest.