Sometimes all it takes is one text, that one you know you shouldn’t answer, but it’s two in the morning, you’re sleepy and…
…there it is, the familiar notification, the blinding light shining in your eyes as you see his name. You heart jumps into you’re throat, suddenly you’re wide awake and you read,
“Hey. You up?”
You know what 2am texts mean from someone you aren’t dating. It doesn’t matter what other reason is given. 2am texts might as well say,
“I’m going home to an empty bed and I know you’re still hung up on me so… ?”
Heavens knows I’ve gotten them in various forms. I’d be remiss if I said I didn’t find myself tempted to give in occasionally. So, I need you to know that if you are tempted, or heck if you’ve even given in already, I understand completely and you aren’t alone in your temptation.
The idea is to keep from doing this
It’s easy to find yourself reading the situation wrong. I mean we all hear what we want to hear when it comes to sex.
He says,
“Come over?”
And you hear,
“Us splitting up was a huge mistake. I want you back.”
I hear it all the time.
The thing is, most of the time, when guys do this, all they want is companionship for the moment. And then after that void is filled, they remember all of the reasons you split up in the first place.
And then it goes on, in a vicious cycle.
and you’re left there wondering what the heck happened.
It’s kind of like when I was little and I wanted something when my mom and I were out shopping, but I didn’t have the money to buy it. I would ask my mom if she would loan me the money till I mowed the yard again or till I got my allowance.
And what she always told me is something I apply to this situation.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIf you can’t remember to come back and get it when you have the money, then you don’t really want or need it.
Why can’t we tell guys the same thing when they decide that they want sex?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe Reasons Women Give & Why They Won’t Work
It’s completely normal to try and reason with yourself.
Everyone does it.
And it’s not unusual to still be attracted to your ex and it isn’t unusual to hope that he’s inviting you to be a part of his life again. It’s also not unlikely that you wouldn’t want to admit this, to others and yourself. We hear what we want to hear when it comes to matters of the heart, no matter how reasonable we usually are.
I’ve heard so many reasons women give for wanting to have sex with their ex.
Cleansing the Palate
One last hoorah, cleansing the palate, or getting him out of your system; it doesn’t matter what you call it, it still isn’t sensible.
“But, I need to get him out of my system once and for all.”
Just like you don’t clean a cup by putting more of the item you’re cleaning into it, you won’t successfully “get your ex out of your system,” until you start being honest with yourself.
If you really think about it, this is a completely backwards way of looking at this one and it never works. There is even scientific reasoning behind it.
If you intend to have sex with your ex and walk away free and clear of emotional baggage, man, do I have news for you.
It will be like pulling a Band-aid off in slow motion. It is likely to hurt more than the actually breakup.
Why? Because any progress you have made towards getting over it will be trumped by the familiarity.
Physically being close to someone causes certain reactions withing your body that you cannot control. For example, even hugging someone causes our brains to release a neurotransmitter called Oxytocin. Oxytocin is commonly known as the “Cuddle Hormone”. It’s called this because it plays a significant role in the bond formed between people by simply being in close proximity.
You may feel like you can handle it now, but you haven’t buried your face in his chest and been swallowed by the familiar smell of his skin and his cologne. You haven’t felt the familiar safety that you once knew that made it so easy to allow yourself to be vulnerable with him. You can’t keep your guard up infinitely, and the likeliness that familiarity will set in is high.
Putting yourself in a situation where you once felt love and a strong emotional connection is nothing but making yourself vulnerable to heartbreak again. And it will hurt worse this time, because you chose to put yourself in that situation, when it could have been avoided.
But I do get it. Some of you will decide to give into this desire no matter what I say.
So, as a rule of thumb, it’s best to resign yourself to only going through with this if it’s on your terms.
That means no responding to late night booty call texts or giving into spur of the moment temptations.
Look at it this way, if you have a little sister, a niece, or a friend in your situation, and they were responding to their exes texts like you are, would you tell them to calm it down.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
Make sure that you have given everything thought and feel comfortable with before you do anything. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache this way and possibly your self-confidence.
I Can Handle Being Friends With Benefits
A show of hands for everyone who thought they could handle FWB with their ex….
Annnnnd a show of hands for everyone who crashed and burned…
One of my exes and I used to joke a lot about “Catching The Feels.” His roommate constantly had a five woman tinder roster going. There was really nothing we could do so, we used to make bets about which ones would wind up being the girl that didn’t fully grasp the “no strings attached” type of relationship she had agreed to. I mean he told them all up front that, that was what it was up front, but sooner or later most of them “caught the feels.”
Are you surprised?
Its human nature. That oxytocin kicks everyone’s butt eventually.
It’s easy to say you’re going to keep your emotions in check. But once you’re laying there in his bed with his arms around you remembering the first time you stayed over, or maybe the last time you stayed over, it’s not that easy to keep the emotions at bay.
It may be simple at first, and you may think you have a pretty good handle on the situation.
Then one day you’ll find yourself thinking about what he’s doing when he’s not with you.
That, my friend, is “the feels” rearing their ugly head.
Don’t worry, there is an easy test to see if you’ve still got the feels for your ex.
Used your imagination, you walk into his place. The two of you kiss and things progress. it all seems so comfortable.
Now, imagine everything he would do with you, he’s doing with someone else.
Does your heart drop into your stomach?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizDoes it make you want to punch something, maybe this imaginary girl I made up?
That would be jealousy, and guess what. It isn’t just a feeling that you’re feeling. It’s once of the strongest emotions there is and it causes you to feel more awful than you will ever imagine.
You’ve done caught the feels.
You see, if you can’t imagine him with someone else and not be completely fine with it… then you should avoid getting into the Friends with Benefits cycle. Because you will wind up wanting something that you won’t get from that kind of relationship… an actual relationship.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizI’ll Show Him What He’s Missing
I mean if he’s down to get down, then he must miss you right?
There are tons of girls out there and there is a major possibility that he either tried and struck out or is afraid to put in the effort with someone new.
Either way, if you walk into his life, have sex with him expecting him to realize,
“oh yeah! I miss this,”
then you are in for a rude awakening.
If the two of you broke up for actual reasons (i.e. serious disagreements, abuse, or general lack of interest) those reasons don’t just go away because the sex is good.
If that was how it worked then the two of you wouldn’t have split up in the first place.
Besides, I’m assuming you had sex while you were together. So, unless you were having some really boring sex, I assure you… he remembers what he had.
So, be honest with yourself about what you want and the chances that you’ll actually get it this way.
The Truth
Okay, you’ve been with me this far, so I feel like we can consider each other friends. I mean, I care about what happens to you. And you clearly think I have something worth saying. That’s a pretty good basis for the beginning of a friendship. right?
Well, since we’re friends of sort, I am going to be honest with you.
There is no good reason to sleep with your ex unless you’ve already gotten back together.
If you are telling yourself anything else, you’re just grasping at straws.
It’s like watching just one episode of your favorite show on Netflix. It’s a slippery slope and the only person you’ll be talking into something is yourself.
You’ve Already Slept With Him
How you should deal with this situation all depends on where you are in your journey.
Now, I’m not one to begrudge someone for enjoying sex or giving into temptation.
But what I will tell you is to stop sleeping with him… right now! Make a conscious decision not to sleep with him again unless he’s on board to get back together. As in, he’s no longer your ex.
Haven’t Done No Contact
If you slept with him and you haven’t done no contact, then that is where you should begin.
Here are some reference points to help get you started.
You can come back from anything as long as you understand one thing. It’s all about power. Whoever, has all the power is the one that decides where the relationship goes. That’s why a good relationship is a balance of power. No one person has all of it. But, in this case, if you want things to go a certain way, you have to stop giving your ex the controls.
That means refusing to let him have anything unless he accepts ALL of it.
When we were kids we got in a lot of trouble for running in and out of the house. It wasn’t uncommon to hear,
“In or out… it can’t be both.”
That’s what you should tell your ex.
Have Done No Contact
You’ve done no contact, and you reached out like Chris laid out in this Article about the perfect first text. But things went horribly out of control.
You meant to move slowly and keep the ball in your court. It doesn’t matter how it happened, that fact is it did. You moved WAY too fast and now you want to know if there is a way to take back control before you get stuck being your ex’s booty call until he finds someone else.
One of the key elements to getting back with an ex is to ease into it. You don’t want to jump right back into the swing of things like nothing ever happened anyways.
Why?
Well at the beginning of a relationship you have to put in effort to catch someone’s interest. 9 times out of 10 the reason your ex is hitting you up to hook up isn’t because he loves you and misses you, it’s because he feels like he’s already put in the work and he doesn’t want to have to work to get sex.
You’re basically being a doormat if you let him do this.
Is that hard to hear?
I certainly hope so. Because if we know anything, we know one thing. People value what they have to work for.
And you want him to value this relationship moving forward.
Right?
So, if you’ve already accidentally jumped in too fast, don’t fear. There is a way to come back from this.
Be busy.
Play hard to get.
You’re creating the space between the two of you that will make you seem more desirable.
No you don’t want to TELL him that you’re taking space. You just need to be unavailable for a couple of weeks. And then, after that time is up, when he texts you, turn it into a conversation about something interesting but arbitrary. and then end on a high note. From there you can pick up on the texting circuit that Chris has so kindly laid out.
Taking these tactics he’s laid out, you can create what is called “The Pull.”
I don’t know if any of you fish, but here in East Texas we grew up fishing with our dads early on.
Imagine, for a moment, that you are out on the lake.
You’ve been sitting here in this stupid boat for like 4 hours. You aren’t allowed to talk, listen, to music, or really do much of anything because you’ll scare away the fish. So, it’s safe to say, you are probably getting a little impatient and you’ll most likely be needing a bathroom sometime in the near future.
Then… you feel it… a tug on the line!!
You’re first instinct will be to real it in as fast as you can, because, let’s face it, patience isn’t exactly a common trait these days.
Well, as sure as you start reeling that bad boy in as fast as you can… he’ll slip the line and you’ll have to wait another hour or so before you get another bite.
The reason this works this way is because that first tug on your line is that fish just nibbling at your bait. You hook doesn’t get to establish a good enough hold and the momentum you generate in your excitement causes the force of the water around him to pull him right off the hook.
The correct way to do it would be to gently tug on the line causing your hook to pull a little bit. The fish will think that the bait is trying to get away and he will jump at the opportunity and grab it causing him to get hooked. Then you want to pull in short gently burst, because the water that you are pulling him through is constantly working against you.
In the same way, your ex will be leery of getting back into a relationship , especially now that he thinks he can have the fun part without having to put in the work that comes with commitment.
On the upside, you already know he wants to sleep with you, so you have that working in your favor. Chances are, he’ll reach out again, probably soon. If you simply, miss his text until the morning or find yourself busy without an explanation, he’ll start to wonder if you are seeing someone else, or worse, maybe you aren’t that into him anymore.
You want to create this mystery while also allowing him to get to know the you that made all of those improvements during No Contact.
The idea is let him get to know the new you without granting him access just yet.
In my experience, he’ll be confused and might ask why you are being so hot and cold.
This is a perfect time to go fishing…
BAIT: Tell him you don’t trust yourself to be around him.
He’ll either say one of two things. One, he’ll say he understands, which could mean he understands or it could mean he’s calling your bluff and expects you to start chasing him. It’s up to you how you take it. But, if a fish get’s loose from your line you don’t jump in and chase it, do you. (For you non-fishers, the answer is no… you don’t.) You cast your line again and wait.
The other common response would be, “Oh, well we can hang out without having sex.” Which can mean he actually thinks you can hang out as friends, but more often than not you can assume he’s going to use the fact that he knows you want him to sleep with you again. In fact, I am going to insist that you assume that that is the case, because I want you to keep that guard up.
I want you to make a promise to me, and to yourself that you wont sleep with him again until he’s fully committed to getting back together.
FYI, that doesn’t mean to give in just because he’s thinking about it… he has to be all in or nothing.
You Haven’t Slept With Him Yet
Fighting the desire to sleep with him is difficult. I mean he’s there, he’s willing, and well we have needs.
I understand I really do. But the thing is, if you actually want to get him back in the dating aspect, sleeping with him before that happens will make that significantly more difficult.
It’s like watching one episode of your favorite show without being able to stream the rest of the season, you know, like before Netflix, as Chris says, i”n the caveman days…”
Stop! No Contact Time!
The Gameplan
So, back to the question I posed earlier.
Why can’t we just tell men to come back when they want a relationship along with the sex?
Do you want to know the answer?
You probably already know what it is…
Fear
Fear keeps us from asking questions that we already know the answer to.
If we draw a line in the sand there is a chance that he might not cross it.
And the thing is, you will come up with hundreds of ways to get him back as long as it doesn’t involve you flat out having to say,
“this is what I want and I’ll accept nothing less.”
Which, even if we did say it, it wouldn’t work without putting in the time doing No Contact and creating interest and desire.
Not to mention, after a breakup you’re brain is kind of broken.
The only way to make things go the way you want them to is to take back control.
So, I guess what I’m asking you is… Do you want to give into fear if it means that you have to settle for less than you want?
I suppose, depending on how you answered that question, you know what you need to do.
If you are wondering if No Contact works… well, here you go…
I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes, by Norah Roberts.
“If you don’t go after what you want, you will never get it.
If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.
If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”
So, will you let fear keep you in a cycle of giving your ex what he wants without getting what you want?
I hope you find the courage to go after what you truly want and don’t settle for anything less than everything.
Gentle
December 28, 2019 at 8:40 pm
Hi,
Unfortunately I was very silly and slept with him. We have built the attraction slowly (via texts and calls) yet I have slept with him without commitment (he promised between the lines) but after sex he acted distant and said that he is confused. What should I do now? What does it mean to a man to be confused? I am never confused-I either want to be together or not… He was in contact since (he has sent congratulations with holidays)-seem just out of politeness (acting like he is sort of nice) but nothing since then.
Is there a chance? I have done 2 months of no contact before that. It’s 4 months since the break up now. He is single (it’s a fact)..
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 30, 2019 at 10:07 pm
Hey there, so the issue you have got here is you have set the boundaries past where you want them to be. You want a relationship – no sex without that commitment. So now you are going to have to no contact and re start your process as you were last time, but this time you know not to fall for anything that he says until you are together and official agian
lesbian36
March 28, 2019 at 5:05 pm
I know the site’s name is boyfriend recovery but my ex does act like a man. I fell in love so fast probably on the second week of dating, she was interesting and fun and we had the best sex ever. After a while she told me she doesn’t want to be in a relationship and that she thinks that people should get to know each other better before deciding that. I now know she has major commitment issues. After 5-6 months of dating while she did mentioned a lot of times that she is not having sex with other people and while we were sleeping together, going to restaurants, weekend getaways or hang out with both our friends like any other couple would do she finally says yes, we are couple! i was so happy! But that didn’t last long, she became distant and would never put me as a priority, she is very busy because she has her own company so i kept making excuses because i have a normal 9-5 job so i have a lot more free time. After a while i felt i am not good enough for her, she is smarter, funner and she is not afraid of anything. I guess that was showing, while we have the same age (36) i felt like i am little kid and that she is the mature experienced woman that teaches me all these things i have never heard of (i guess that was kind of true). Around those 6 months of dating and finally putting a label on she breaks up with me, says we want different things. Well yes i wanted a normal relationship, one that the other person cares for me and shows it, one that we make dreams and plans for the future. None of that happened. I got so depressed, i don’t think i ever cried so much in my life, i was so heartbroken, i wanted her so bad, not someone else but her. After 2 weeks i send her a msg and she tells me to meet up, she said she was thinking of me and that she missed me but to move on with no label again, i was furious, i told her no but then found myself dating her again. after a month i talk to her again and she finally she gives in for the second time. Yes we are in relationship! Hooray! The next 6 months was magical, it was summer too. We went on vacations several times, spend time together, i would sleep at her house 4 days every week! I was so happy and then something happened to her company and she was extra stressed! Started being distant again.. And then there you have it, she breaks me with me again, says she can’t be in a relationship, i go through all over it again only now i love her i truly love her, it would be better if we broke up the first time.. She tells me she is not in love with me and that i shouldn’t be with a person that isn’t in love with me cause i am so worth it, that it is her fault thats she can’t feel anything not mine. That she has issues.. There i am crying again for days and days and then months and feel like my friends are getting tired of hearing me going through the same again and again, did i put too much pressure on her? is it because i am not interesting enough?kept blaming myself. And now after 4 months apart we meet up to catch up and end up having the best sex ever. And then we met again, and again. But just for sex. And i realise i take what i can get, it is better than nothing right?how pathetic… i want her back so bad… i thought that maybe she would remember how much she loves me. She actually only said that on the day we broke up. I love you but i am not in love with you.. What should i do?? i can’t quit her she is like a drug..
Chris Seiter
April 1, 2019 at 10:40 pm
It is a complicated story. She seems to be consistently telling you she doesn’t want more than sex and doesn’t feel she is in love. Whether she really knows what she wants and feels certainly is debatable. But if we take what she has said to you at face value, the relationship is taking on the form of friends with benefits. If things don’t change, perhaps you may benefit more from taking a short break and reflecting on the path you are on.
Kate
April 20, 2018 at 9:51 am
Hi!
My ex broke up with me 2 months ago. We have been together for 5 months, but we have already met our families and created a strong emotional bond. My ex have broken up with me, because he still feels hurt after his last relationship, which has ended a year ago (he was single for 7 months before he met me). He said that he sees that his emotional wounds stop him from being 100% engaged with me and that it’s unfar to me. After a break up I did a months of complete no contact. We have met after a month and you could cut positive tension between us with a knife. That night he told me that he still loves me, that he missed me tremendously and that his life is not better without me. We had a fantastic time together, which has ended up in bed. Although I was worried if this is a right thing to do, our sex was full of love and tenderness. It has also opened us the door to have very intimate conversations and create closeness bigger than ever. For a following week we were behaving like a proper couple. When I asked him if he’d like to be with me again he said “yes. But give me a couple of weeks to sort things out in my head and in my heart”. I said “ok, but no more sex, as I don’t agree to be FWB”. He agreed with me. Afterwards, we were talking often, hanging out and getting emotionnally connected. But then, last Sunday, we went out for a fancy dinner end ended up at mine watching movies, cuddling and finally having sex. Then yesterday we went out for a gig together, once again, behaved like a couple. Having really good conversation, enjoying each other’s company, opening our hearts to each other. But then again, we ended up sleeping together.
I do not know what to do. He knows that I would like us to be back together, after him saying that he would like that too but he needs some time, I’m quite convinced that he wants me back too. However, I don’t know how much time he needs and what should I do right now. I see that us having sex is a result of a strong emotional connection rather than pure desire. Yet, I do not want to give him everything he would get in a relationship without him commiting, nor I want to be FWB. What shoud I do in this situation?
Thanks
Kate
Chris Seiter
April 20, 2018 at 4:04 pm
Hi Kate! thanks for stopping by. Possibly, the prior relationship is still a little splinter in his mind that makes him guarded about “commitment”. I think this is one of those situations that will become clearer over time. I think if he says he wants a little time, he is mostly talking to his “insecurities”, because he is largely acting in a different way. Pay less to what he says, and more to what he actually does. Steer away from serious conversations about the relationship. Just live and enjoy the experience of someone you care for and who obviously cares for you. Over time (I am not talking many many months) he will become more “secure” in himself and what he wants. If you feel at any time you are being used or he is out there playing the field, you can end it.
Also, consider joining my Private Facebook Group (website Menu/Products link). It is a great place where women who are going through similar experiences such as you come together and share and help each other. I also do weekly Facebook live webcasts there.
Kate
April 23, 2018 at 5:30 pm
Hello Chris!
Thank you so much for finding time to read my story and give some precious advice and support. I’ll stick to that! xx
Chris Seiter
April 23, 2018 at 8:50 pm
Hi again Kate. You keep truckin forward. I know you will get through this. If you need any private Coaching or would like join my Private Facebook Support Group (about 1500 women in it now), then just go to my website Menu/Products link to learn more. Thank you for your sweet and kind words. Experts say that couples who interact with their partners with “kindness”….those are the relationships that last. Its called the “Kindness Study” and it was conducted over decades. I think you have plenty of kindness in you, so I have little doubt you will land on your feet. Just choose a guy who is equally kind to you.
Confused
December 9, 2017 at 6:19 am
Okay so Im going to try and make this short and informative. My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago after being together for a year. Before our relationship we were FWB for 7 months, he had just gotten out of an engagement at the time and in fact was already friendly with me before they broke up. ( we were FWB prior to his relationship with his fiance but we never dated because we were young and heavy party people, at the time he wanted to be with me but i didnt trust him because he was sleeping with multiple people and we were both young but I have/had a child to worry about and didnt think he was ready for that kind of relationship) But basically we agreed in the beginning of us hanging out again we would just be friends and nothing more (no sex) but he instantly came on to me and said he couldnt resist me, over the next few months he spent everyday he could with me, he even told me he loved me first after a month and a half, he got to know my son really well and met my family in that time of our FWB situation, anyways in that time we gained a lot of trust issues with each other because I always wanted to be with him but he resisted every attempt I made at this even though it seemed like we were already together (at least in my eyes) I became very confused and he seemed very distant one night and I knew he was lying about where he was and who he was with (which I would rather someone be brutally honest then lie to me) I found out he slept with someone else that night and I tried to be okay with it since we werent together and in my attempt to try to get my feelings in check I slept with someone else too. I bring all of this up because it was the beginning of trust issues for us, I began to question his motives with me and why he would tell me he loved me and have a relationship with my son if he didnt want to be with me. I quit drinking during that time and was making an attempt to straighten my life out and then we planned a vacation (which was a big deal to me and him because he never even went on vacations with his ex) anyways we drank together on this vacation and it was a disaster, we fought really bad and were drunk almost the entire trip but we seemed to make up once we got home, the weeks following i was on a downward spiral with my drinking and he was chasing other woman (which i didnt know about until months later) basically after a few weeks of me drinking I finally got myself back together and quit again, I got my life together a lot, i did a complete 180 from the person that I was and fixed so many issues with my life, and after 3 months of me being sober and being okay with the FWB I started to question him and if he was sleeping with other people, because if he was I was going to be done seeing him and be okay with my choice to move on. He came clean and confessed to sleeping with multiple woman and lying to me for months about it and we met up to talk in person and decided to go our separate ways and as much as it hurt i knew that sticking around was going to hurt way worse. But in that same day he called me and confessed he made a huge mistake and he wanted to be with me, that he wanted a future with me and he would chase me to the end of the earth just for me to give him a chance. I admit i gave in easily without a fight because I wanted to be with him but within a couple months of our relationship the cracks started to show because I never fully trusted him because he lied to me so easily, he even told me I could go through his phone to make sure he wasnt lying and when I did and found things he was lying about he flipped out on me, he kept confessing small things through out our relationship and making it like it was no big deal (things that happened while we were seeing each other) and it always hurt that he minimized how those things made me feel. Ill admit there were things I didnt tell him about my past that came out while we were together and basically these things caused us to fight at times and there were many times he even debating being with me but we always worked through our problems. we even talked about living together and having kids and getting married but our problems always seemed to surface. We had major trust issues but I always wanted to work through these things even when it seemed he didnt and I admit i gave him a lot of power in our relationship. He seemed very secretive and it took him 6 months to announce on facebook that we were together (again the only reason I was insecure about this is because he was still “friends” online with the girls he had slept with and it took 6 months for me to meet his family even though they knew about us and he lives with his family so it was always weird to me. But i love him so I tried to overlook a lot and my son loves him so that meant a lot to me. But basically things got pretty ugly towards the end, he would say some very hurtful things to me and then try to take them back and say he didnt mean them but then a week later he would say them again. He told me he didnt want to marry me and he didnt trust me, he would say I was a liar and always accuse me of talking to other people which was so far from the truth and I couldnt understand his accusations except for that maybe he was doing things that were deemed untrustworthy (basically during his entire relationship with his ex fiance he kept in contact with me and would always talk about our past together and how he had so much fun with me, he would always say I was his dream girl and the perfect person for him all while he was engaged). Anyways I fell off the wagon again one night while at my cousins anniversary party and i confessed to him that I drank and he broke up with me because of it and told me he didnt trust me and although it wasnt a “bad” breakup it hurt me like a knife to the chest because he left me over me drinking one time after everything we had been through. But then over the last two months we slept together 3 times, he never led me to believe that we were getting back together but he kept in contact with me and I never did NC with him because I didnt have the will power to ignore him. But after each time i realized how much I still wanted him and that I want him now, i am working on improving myself and trying to move on with my life but i still cant get over him. The last time we slept together was almost a month ago and in that month I had very limited contact with him, i forced myself to not message him or call and then the last few weeks he changed, he started messaging me first a lot and always asking how I am and how my son is and then it progressed to him calling me and talking on the phone for hours and we made plans to meet up a few times for hiking but because of our work schedules we ended up not making the plans concrete. He was constantly telling me how he misses me, that all he wants is to see me and how he thinks in the future we can be together again because he loves me more than he ever loved anyone and he said that I am his best friend and he never was best friends with a girlfriend before, he even told me I was family to him. I never let my guard down as to completely buy into his words because actions speak louder, i never told him I missed him and when our plans fell through I never got mad about it. Our conversations are always good and always left on a positive note, and he contacts me everyday and calls me a few times a week and sometimes even multiple times a day. He has brought up sex again and although i did the “dangling sex” thing I never fully gave into plans of sex and would end the conversation or change the subject. Basically he reached out to me on monday and invited me to be his date to his work christmas party which is always really fancy and all of his coworkers will be there and I agreed to be his date and he asked me to spend time with him once the party is over just us. He has made comments about us hooking up again and I know that its the wrong thing to do if I want him back, but so many things run through my mind. Our FWB developed into more before but i also dont want to keep this going and hurt myself knowing what I want. Im worried of what will happen when I shut him down as I like all the attention he has been showing me, but i dont want a small part of him I want it all. How do i end the night and not end up in bed with him because its hard for me to resist him? What should i think about his behavior and how he is acting towards me? I want to be physically satisfied by him but I want a relationship more than that. Im afraid I will give in to temptation, he even mentioned spending the night with me at my apartment, I want this so much, to lay with him all night and talk like we used to but not just for sex, I want all of him. HELP ME
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 12, 2017 at 1:47 am
Hi Confused,
you have to be clear with your standards.. check this one:
EBR 006: How To Turn Friends With Benefits Into A Relationship
D
October 10, 2017 at 5:28 pm
My ex and I dated for 8 years and we wanted to get married. He lost himself and got involved and cheated on me with a younger girl and got involved with a bad friend group. He stayed with the girl for the past 3-4 months since we have been broken up and went too fast with her. Within the past month he has reached out and told the girl he needs space because he still loves me and needs to figure it out. We ended up in bed together 4 times this past week. We did no contact for 4 months, I improved myself and he sees that. I want him to get over this girl. He told me he loves me but still thinks of her but I think it is only because he just broke up with her and she’s been trying to show up to places he is at and has the same friend group. This girl is a leech and has given him everything without any effort. They were both rebounds for eachother and cheated on their partners to be with eachother. Both their families dont like them together and his family wants him to come back to me because we were so good together. I know he wants to end up with me since he did break it off with her but he said he is still confused. Do i keep sleeping/talking to him so he can get over her and realize what he had with me was good? He is aware that if he talks/sees me he cant be talking to her. Or, do I cut him off again and tell him to figure his stuff out before he comes back to me. (I am scared with this option he will keep going in circles) HELP!!!
D
October 11, 2017 at 3:37 pm
I do not want to lose him…
I just want him to get on a better path because he has lost himself and is confused, but I know he wants to come back to me. I just don’t think he knows how.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 12, 2017 at 12:09 pm
he’s and adult. He has his own mind and you’re not his mom.. If you mean you would rather stay in that situation, than choose to walk away and respect yourself, I understand that but frankly, we both know, people don’t change unless there’s a need to change.. and if he is getting what he wants right now, why would he change?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 11, 2017 at 9:51 am
Hi D,
Would you rather stay in that situation than lose him?
SC
September 7, 2017 at 3:02 pm
So I have slept with my ex 3 times now. We broke up two months ago we dated for a little over 2 years, most of our relationship was long distance then 3 months ago he moved home 15 minutes away from me. His only friend is moving away and we have started to try to become friends but I called him one night at 3 am when he was drinking about some flooding in my area. He said he would come keep me company because I couldn’t sleep but we ended up having sex. This has happened 2 more times since. He says if we don’t stop having sex when he is nervous I will get hurt, and isn’t sure we should have sex anymore when we hangout. I am nervous I am going to lose him, I still have feelings for him. It is tough since we have been through 2 miscarriages together and now we are in the same city. He is the one saying no sex so I am not sure that will make him not want me anymore. He says he wants me to be able to be open and to lean on him with my feelings. Everytime we hangout it is always good, never a bad time. I just feel confused as to what is happening between us, and if there is a chance we will be together again, and if he still does or doesnt have feelings for me.
SC
September 26, 2017 at 12:29 am
My ex and I today went to the therapy session he really didn’t want to go but went because I told him I really needed to closure on things that had happened. He said he wasn’t sure about being friends and being in group situations with me and mutual friends. I feel really confused and hurt, I miss him in my life already. I’m trying to be respectful and give him space. Will I hear from him again? I’m pretty heartbroken he doesn’t want me around.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 26, 2017 at 7:11 pm
In a way, thats5 good because it helps you realize that you need to give the closure to yourself, whether he goes to therapy or not
SC
September 20, 2017 at 8:01 pm
Maybe after our therapy session tomorrow I should just stop talking to him. He doesn’t seem to really reach out to me besides inviting me to go out to see a movie with him like last wednesday. I am not sure to do no contact or continue being friends and talking whenever he decides too. He doesn’t want me to think I can always run to him with my problems like how it was when we dated is what he told me today. I feel so confused I really want to spend time with him every now and then but he seems like it doesn’t matter to him. Like he could care less. That really hurts. I am trying to stay positive though and continue to work on myself.
SC
September 13, 2017 at 12:22 am
I have been going out with friends a lot, taking classes at school, and I have taken up piano, and recently got visaline to have straighter teeth. I just think he won’t be happy with me again, I have a negative mindset since him and I got into an arguement today. We are going to a grief couselor for past issues on thursday. I hope this doesn’t blow up in my face.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 14, 2017 at 9:17 pm
Don’t own negativity.. That’s good that you’re going to a counselor
SC
September 7, 2017 at 10:03 pm
Is there anything else I can do that will make him want to come back to me?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 12, 2017 at 9:23 pm
It’s not just not sleeping with him anymore. You have to start being an ungettable girl.. Start a new routine, have your own life, love and respect yourself more.. check this one:
The Ungettable Girl
SC
September 7, 2017 at 10:03 pm
Well he expressed to me we shouldn’t sleep together, how will I know not sleeping with him will make him chase me? I agree that sleeping together won’t improve the situation either though…
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 7, 2017 at 9:41 pm
you’re friends with benefits. The more you sleep with him without commitment, the less he’s going to commit.
sarah
September 6, 2017 at 4:23 pm
So I have slept with my ex 3 times now. We broke up two months ago we dated for a little over 2 years, most of our relationship was long distance then 3 months ago he moved home 15 minutes away from me. His only friend is moving away and we have started to try to become friends but I called him one night at 3 am when he was drinking about some flooding in my area. He said he would come keep me company because I couldn’t sleep but we ended up having sex. This has happened 2 more times since. He says if we don’t stop having sex when he is nervous I will get hurt, and isn’t sure we should have sex anymore when we hangout. I am nervous I am going to lose him, I still have feelings for him. It is tough since we have been through 2 miscarriages together and now we are in the same city. He is the one saying no sex so I am not sure that will make him not want me anymore. He says he wants me to be able to be open and to lean on him with my feelings. Everytime we hangout it is always good, never a bad time. I just feel confused as to what is happening between us, and if there is a chance we will be together again, and if he still does or doesnt have feelings for me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 7, 2017 at 9:19 pm
Hi Sarah,
you’re friends with benefits. The more you sleep with him without commitment, the less he’s going to commit.
Annakate
May 22, 2017 at 2:42 pm
So here is my story. My ex never defined our relationship, and we were together for roughly 6 months, he knew that I had problems with this no label relationship, then he just stopped seeing me, I didn’t beg or anything, but I did like him and I still want him. It’s been almost a year since we saw each last time, during this year, he send me pictures some times when he travels, and I send him postcards sometimes when I travel, but it’s just all greetings and nothing deep. Last week, he texted me all of the sudden, asked me all kind of weird questions, like if I have another lover now, and if I slept with anyone else after him, and last, he asked me if I would like to have sex with him again – just for fun? I replied haha no, then he said ok, just a question and hope I don’t mind, and that’s the last words he wrote me. I feel insulted and I seriously don’t know what to do now. What should I do? Do I still have a chance to earn his respect or should I just move on?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 24, 2017 at 2:00 pm
he wanted to be friends with benefits.. were you friends with benefits before?
Monna
February 28, 2017 at 8:17 am
My boyfriend and I broke up about 2 years ago. His main problem was that I was 19 at the time and he was 29. Now I’m 21 and he is 31 and for tha past 2 years we haven’t stopped “getting back together” and breaking up. He says he dosen’t feel the same and it’s only sex. There were times when we didn’t spoke for weeks and we didn’t see each other for a whole year. I have applied the No Contact Rule several times with him and it works. He can’t get involved in a serious relatioship and always comes back to me, but onle for sex and emotional comfort. When in t comes to sex, well, I always give in. What should I do to get gim back?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 28, 2017 at 8:40 pm
Hi Monna,
Are you ready to stop sleeping with him?
Rachel
February 25, 2017 at 11:49 pm
Hi EBR team,
My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We moved to the east coast together from our midwest state 2.5 years ago and I have been blindsided by this breakup. We had talked about getting engaged, and I really thought that was the next step.
Here is my question about sleeping with my ex: So, we live together, and probably will for another month or so until I can move out. We actually are still sleeping in the same bed. Though he says he wants to breakup for a number of reasons, his actions are giving me mixed signals. He cuddles me at night, rubs by back when he thinks I am asleep, flirts with me and asks me to do girlfriend-type things.
Over the past couple of years, I was suffering from PTSD as a result of a sexual assault that took place years ago. Our sex life really suffered – only once every couple of months (I know). I’ve since recovered, but our sex life never really did. I felt a lot of shame and forgot how to feel empowered through sex. Neither of us was really sure how to initiate. In the beginning of the relationship, I had a huge sex drive, but over the last couple years, as I’ve been dealing with this trauma, It hasn’t been as great.
Since we broke up two weeks ago, we have had sex twice. REALLY good sex. He’s for some reason decided that now is the time to come out of his vanilla shell. I know people say that sleeping with your ex lowers the likelihood of reconciliation (why commit if you can get it for free?), but that’s more often than not couples who had a more or less healthy sex life, right? What about couples who struggled with that part of the relationship? Couldn’t blowing his mind a couple of times (not making it a habit, obliviously), to remind him of how good it can be, be potentially more effective than the status quo of no sex? If we’re coming from the perspective of how to leave the biggest impression when I move out so that my absence is REALLY felt? When I have sex with him I feel like I’m getting some of the power back temporarily. Like I have some control. After the first time, he made a face, and when I asked what was wrong, he said “I’m just not sure how I feel right now.” I briefly succeeded in confusing him.
I imagine your advice on this will remain “Don’t sleep with him again”. If so, I’m wondering if you could walk me through the logic of this in my particular situation, because I have clearly managed to convince myself that my situation is unique and that sleeping with him is a good idea.
Thanks so much!
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 26, 2017 at 5:52 pm
Hi Rachel,
Break up sex most of the time feels better than sex while you’re with him.. I’m not really sure why, but I think it’s because it’s that knowing you’re not committed to the other person, like no strings attached, you don’t own the other person. Which what will make him not want to be with you more, because the sex is much better now that you’ve broken up. Well, aside from the fact that he’s already getting what he wants without being committed to you.
Until he thinks that being with you is more than sex, until there’s something that makes him want to be with you apart from sex, more probably he won’t want to get back.
Angel
February 18, 2017 at 3:47 pm
My ex and i broke up about 3 weeks ago after a 5 year realationship that was rockey.we had alot if issues that started with his dad meddling in our relationship.after that we had other people try and brake us up.But everytime we would get back together.last march we broke up and i got pregnate and we got back together(that was a real brake up).we started going to consuling and we were communicating better but he wanted to date other people and we were working and solving the issues so we both could be happy again and wouldnt feel like that.sadly i lost the baby and there was a miss understanding with his parents and he couldnt see the babies body (which i think he cares way to much what they think).and they told him that they need him to come back home (we loved together) and to get away from me because i made up the whole pregnacy to get him back (which he knew i didnt and he got to see the body because we buried him together) after we buried our son .we hooked up and continue to work out of our bills which is all done now but we talked for a hour and a half last week about how my life is going how he plans on going back to school on august(this Is the guy that said we couldnt talk for 10 years and we weren’t getting back together ever)it went well we talked about if we ever got together again everything will be different and we can call and check on each other.i was doing no contact on and slipped up on v day and sent him a funny picture and told him about a bill which he responded to the bill part.i just want to know if in my situation is it hopeless since so much happened?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 20, 2017 at 6:27 pm
Hi Angel,
for me, it would take a long time to get a reset… You both need to grown and improve first. So, honestly, I don’t think now is the right time to get back together.
Jo
February 17, 2017 at 8:26 pm
Hi,
I’m not sure this is the right section. Last weekend my ex and I hooked up – it wasn’t planned. I pulled away a little bit after that and established distanse. Next week we are going away together for the weekend (we planned it months ago and decided to still go; we’ve been broken up for two months).I do want to cut myself off after that because we haven’t done no contact yet (he insist on being friends and keeps reaching out- he dumped me). I am not sure how to go about next weekend. I told him what happened last weekend won’t happen again but I’m pretty sure he will try anyway. Should I go NC after coming back? Make him miss me? Is there even any point or all is lost?
I might want to mention that he’s been sending very mixed signals – getting flowers for birthday, initiating contact, texting every day, asking me if iI’m dating etc, he even bought tickets to a show 5 months from now! I am very confused. Please advise.
Jo
February 18, 2017 at 12:06 pm
We broke up because he said there was no spark and he felt more like a friend about me than a girlfriend. We were dating for about 6 months and were properly in a relationship for 2. But I don’t think that this is how friends act, is it? He says he’s a friend but then he does all those things that make me question what he’s saying re being just friends.
I am keeping my distance and doing a limited NC now before next Friday but it’s so difficult. Last weekend was so confusing. DO you think it was confusing for him as well? It was like we never broke up.
It still feels more like a relationship than being broken up. Should I go NC after the trip?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 20, 2017 at 5:41 pm
When a guy says you feel more like a friend, that means the relationship is boring for him and he’s not attracted to you anymore.. And now, there’s a probability that he’s just missing the routine but it can also be genuine too.. So, just take everything slow.. Let the trip pass first, then decide from there, on how it goes, of what your next step should be.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 17, 2017 at 9:59 pm
Hi Jo,
why did you break up and how long was the relationship? Yeah, those are definitely mixed signals, it’s like he wants you back. Just have fun at the trip, and don’t ever sleep with him again, because you’re going to become friends with benefits if you do it again.
Elizabeth
February 16, 2017 at 4:30 pm
I am asking this on behalf of my female friend.
She is in her process of divorce and started dating her colleague. He knew her situation but they have started dating anyway.
He is ok to be her boyfriend. But he stated that he cannot commit to giving her a future. He upfrontly said he can’t marry her because he can’t accept a woman with a child. Nevertheless，my friend still chose to begin the relationship. She has slept with him too out of her initiation. My questions are:
1) is this a type of ‘friends with benefit’?
2) given he can’t commit her anything except dating，is this considered a commitment to my sort that allows my friend to sleep with her boyfriend?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 16, 2017 at 8:58 pm
HI Elizabeth,
Yes, it’s like being friends with benefits. It’s not commitment.. For me, commmitment is commitment that you know would end up in a life time companionship. Even if the two people didn’t talk about it, the thought is there. But with your friends situation, it’s clear that he doesn’t want that.
Miranda
February 14, 2017 at 1:27 am
So I did no contact with a guy I was seeing for about 7 months who broke up with me. He got in contact with me a few days before the end of no contact and we talked for 4 hours (I know that was a mistake…i should have cut things off) but at the end of the conversation he asked if he could come over and I said no. Since then we have talked alot and he has asked several times if he could come over. The last time he asked I said i really want to see you, but we really need to go out on a date first to reconnect. Also, I worked no contact like there is no tomorrow, lost some weight, got my hair done, got my anxiety under control and it was definitely noticed. He has made several comments about how great I look and how he is glad im so happy (all sober during the day texts) and the first time I see him in almost 2 months I want to look hot…not smeared makeup and bedhead at 2am! Now I know its only been 2 days but we have talked and he hasn’t suggested getting together. I really want to see him…but I dont want to go down booty call lane!! Is there anything I can do to salt the oats to help bring him around?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 14, 2017 at 7:27 pm
Hi Miranda,
if you talked during nc, the first time you talked, it was already broken. It’s very good that you improved yourself, but you have to avoid coming across that you did it for him..So, dont rush.. build rapport slowly through texts first, and then calls, and then proceed to meet ups