Today we’re going to be talking about how to stay calm when an ex ignores you. Which, believe you, me, is no easy feat. In fact, this entire discussion was inspired by a comment we got in our private facebook support group,

The name of the game when it comes to staying calm when an ex ignores you is emotional control. You always hear us talking about it but one of the things we’ve not done a really good job of is explaining how to achieve it.

Well, that changes today because I’m going to list out the three core pillars of obtaining emotional control.

1. The Around The World Technique
2. Having A Bigger Purpose In Your World Than Your Ex
3. Treating A Breakup Like The Stock Market

Let’s dive in because this is going to be one of the most honest articles I’ve ever written.

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Pillar #1: The Around The World Technique

This is going to be a weird admission but I’ve always thought of relationships and people as little planets revolving around us like planets to a sun. Those closest to the sun are the ones the “sun” holds most dear. Those farthest away are still important but the connection is not quite as powerful.

I’ll draw a graphic,

But a really interesting thing happens when we get into a relationship we deeply care about. Our little solar system becomes entangled with our partners and eventually the two solar system begin to merge and warp until you actually start prioritizing your partner more than anything.

After a while you give up ownership of your entire solar system so that your ex becomes the sun by which you revolve.

Looking something like this.

Your schedule changes.

You start bowing down to their wishes, what they want.

And in a way it’s even worse when they break up with you. It almost locks your trajectory around them for the immediate future because you are so desperate to get them back or put things back to the way they were before the breakup.

But revolving your life around someone else is a dangerous proposition.

You lose a bit of yourself.

Your hopes, your dreams are no longer your own.

And the way you feel when your ex actually ignores you when you reach out to them is almost worse.

The solution seems simple too, right? Just knock your ex off that pedestal so that you reclaim ownership of your own little solar system. Yet, it’s not that simple. I was actually on a training coaching call with one of our new coaches a few weeks ago and this occurred to me.

It is so hard to “let go” of an ex and reclaim your own solar system because doing so is essentially the same as a sun going supernova.

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You know what happens when a sun goes supernova, right?

Essentially everything goes boom!

Here’s my point. It’s not easy to blow up your solar system and start anew. Especially when you have months or years of engrained behavior of thinking and acting the same way every single day but if you want to stay calm when an ex ignores you…

Well, I think it’s time to take back ownership of your own solar system and you are going to do that by accomplishing pillar number two.

Pillar #2: Have A Bigger Purpose Than Your Ex

It sort of goes with the territory of revolving around your exes sun but for many of our clients they have no greater purpose to devote themselves to other than winning their ex back. Yet, for me that’s a shallow life. I guess it’s that whole deathbed argument.

This is going to be a morbid example but indulge me here.

Imagine you are dying. You are barely clinging on to your last breath and your life flashes across your eyes.

What would you have to see for it to be worth it to you? To have a life well lived?

Something tells me “obsessing about an ex who ignores you” isn’t going to be on that list. In fact, one of my favorite movies, Before Midnight, had a story that put this in to practice.

This profound line was delivered,

ANNA: My grandmother’s mother wrote to our whole family a twenty-six page letter from her deathbed. And she spent
three pages on the costumes she did for a play and only one paragraph on her husband.

JESSE: Was she an actress too?

ANNA: No, she was a… (in French) How do you say, seamstress?

CELINE (in English) A seamstress. Seamstress.

ANNA Seamstress…and she had all these wonderful friends. About my great grandfather she mentioned three
events: He went to the war, we moved because of his job, and he died. Her big advice was not to be too consumed with romantic love. Friendships and work, she said, brought her the most happiness.

Here’s my point. Breakups tend to cause us to hyper analyze our relationships but at the end of the day, even with the very best relationship in the world we will still end up feeling hollow, like something is missing.

Why?

Well, it’s because romantic relationships don’t completely define us as human beings. They are an important part of our lives but for us to feel truly fulfilled as humans we need to also have other things in our life.

• Goals
• Ambitions
• Dreams

What’s yours?

You’d be surprised at how often I ask that to my clients only to get the following response,

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• I want to get married

And you know the most ironic part?

Those that have actually achieved that relationship goal don’t find it fulfilling at the end of their life. It’s because in a successful marriage we grow together. We help each other achieve our ambitions. The issue with living your entire life and revolving around a singular person is that it takes your ability to contribute to the world in a meaningful way away.

So, here’s my theory.

You’ve heard of my trinity concept, right?

By basically dividing your life up into three specific categories,

1. Health
2. Wealth
3. Relationships

And dedicating your time to filling each of those cups you can find happiness.

But you need a global goal for each of the categories.

So, for health it would look something like, completing a marathon

For relationships, it could be marriage

For wealth, it could be getting a book deal or promotion at work.

My main point really with this pillar is to help you recognize that you are more than your relationship and the best way for you to have emotional control is to have other pursuits outside of your ex that bring you happiness.

Pillar #3: Treating A Breakup Like The Stock Market

Every year Warren Buffet holds a conference for the shareholders of Berkshire and Hathaway where he allows the shareholders to ask him questions.

To be honest with you I’ve never watched a full event of him doing this because it’s like 5 hours long and some of the questions that get asked are over my head. Yet, there is one clip that I always come back to.

Buffet argues that the average person can get rich if they just park their money in an index fund like the S&P 500 and never touch it.

But there’s a subtext to his statement that gets lost on most people. You see, most people get the shiny dollar sign eyes and only think of how they are going to be rich. But the hardest part isn’t executing the trade. It’s sitting and waiting. It’s doing nothing. It’s being cold and calculating.

The people who do well in the stock market and in business are those individuals willing to take emotion out of the equation.

To look at numbers and make decisions solely based on them.

Which is why I found this comment in our private facebook group incredibly interesting,

These are great responses! It helped me to think of the texting phase like a science project and take the emotions out of it.

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If you want to learn to stay calm when an ex ignores you it’s best to take this approach. Look at the silence for what it probably is.

An avoidant ex who at some point will probably get in touch with you.

Combined with all the other techniques I’ve shown you you’ll find two things beginning to happen.

1. Your ex begins to take more of an interest in you
2. You begin to not really want your ex back anymore

That’s a win/win in my book.