As many of you know, I’ve been on a success story kick lately. In other words, I’ve been interviewing as many success stories that will be willing to come onto my podcast as possible. The end goal is always the same,

We want to find out what really works in real life

So far we’ve had some really interesting interviews come to fruition. But today’s success story I feel will hit close to home to so many aspiring “get your ex back people.”

I got the opportunity to interview Anne whose ex boyfriend broke up with her because of “personal differences.”

Which in and of itself sounds ridiculous but as you’ll soon learn, Anne is not to be taken lightly.

Enjoy!

How Anne Got Her Ex Boyfriend Back

Chris:
All right. Okay. Today, we’re going to be talking to a success story who’s been in our private Facebook support group, has gone through the program and has successfully gotten her ex back, her name is Anne. And we’re just going to have an organic conversation to really get to the bottom of what worked for her. How are you doing Anne?

Anne:
I am doing well. I’m super excited to be talking to you today, Chris.

Chris:
Well, so what’s cool about Anne is she was telling me that she prepped for this interview, she actually went to her boyfriend and asked a bunch of questions, so we will get into that. But before we do, let’s get a background story and tell us your origin story. How did the breakup occur, and we’ll just take it from there.

Anne:
Okay. So for our story, I guess we ended up breaking up in early May, I think it was, and we got back together mid to late June. So, that was pretty close to the timeline that we expected with no contact. We ended up-

Chris:
Wow, that was fast. Those were two months, total.

Anne:
I know. Pretty much. I’m [crosstalk 00:01:10]-

Chris:
So early May to the end of June?

Anne:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris:
How long of a no contact period did you do?

Anne:
I ended up doing just past 30 days.

Chris:
So, it was 31, 32 days or something like that?

Anne:
Yeah. I didn’t want to make it exactly 30 days, because I know everyone in the Facebook group was like, don’t do it exactly on 30 days because you’ll-

Chris:
Really? That’s interesting.

Anne:
Well, just because it’s, you don’t want to be too obvious about it.

Chris:
So, all right. So you’re obviously skipping over some important parts. Some stuff had to have happened during that. So you go through the breakup, but let’s talk about what caused the breakup, who broke up with who and what were the reasons given.

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Anne:
So my boyfriend of, I think we were just hitting four months. We’d known each other since last August, so close to a year now. He broke up with me and he cited, oh goodness, he was all over the place with it, but it was some personal differences. And then, just wasn’t sure he was feeling it, and it was just a lot of hot and cold stuff. We, near the end of our relationship, especially probably were fighting quite a bit. I think the stress of the pandemic was getting to everyone, but yeah.

Chris:
So his reasoning was just, we’re two different. Was that it basically?

Anne:
That was pretty much it. He saw some issues in the future that he didn’t feel could be worked out. And he didn’t, instead of giving me an opportunity to work that out, he just decided that it was going to be best for both of us that we go our separate ways.

Chris:
How old is he and how old are you?

Anne:
I am 23 and he is 28.

Chris:
Okay. So there’s a bit of an age gap. So is he looking for more serious relationships? Is that why he was worried about the future?

Anne:
Yes. He told me going into it that he was hoping to settle down with someone, he just needed to find the right person.

Chris:
Okay. So he says basically we’re too different, I don’t think we should be together. But was there other elements? Was he having problems at his job because of the pandemic or were there other extracurricular elements that created the stress you’re talking about with him?

Anne:
Yeah. I personally think that there was a lot of other stuff going on at the same time. He didn’t end up getting the promotion that he was hoping to get and there was just some other family stress going on as well. So just probably, I don’t really know again, entirely what was going on, but our communication for sure was very limited and strange. So, that’s probably why I didn’t really know.

Chris:
So he breaks up with you and what is your first reaction? How do you respond to that?

Anne:
I had a little bit of a freak out. I knew that-

Chris:
Define a little bit for me. Is a little bit like, or just really big freak out?

Anne:
Well, he was going to do it over text and I told him I was like, I am not prepared to discuss this over text, so we’ll see each other today.

Chris:
You made him breakup with you in person.

Anne:
I did.

Chris:
You’re the second person that I’ve heard say that in a success story. That’s interesting.

Anne:
Really? Okay.

Chris:
Really. So, you made him break up with you in person, so you basically got to see his face as he told you that there’s differences between the two of you and you can’t work it out.

Anne:
Mm-hmm (affirmative), yeah, which was really hard.

Chris:
Did you beg?

Anne:
You know what? I didn’t. I think I expressed that I didn’t agree and that I felt really sad about it and that I felt we can come to a compromise, but I told him, ultimately, I’m going to respect the decision that you make here and you know what, we can go our separate ways kind of thing.

Chris:
So you turn a text message breakup into an in person breakup, which is interesting. And then after the in-person breakup, is it immediate like I need to get him back mode or do you go through a tantrum where you’re just like, screw him, I’m not going to try to get him back? What [crosstalk 00:05:40].

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Anne:
Well, I went in the middle, man. I had a really sad period of time where we were still texting probably about four days after. And he was like, his response times were getting longer and longer and I was just like, I don’t understand. This is so sad. And I think for me, what I didn’t realize and what I did realize after finding this program is I was still stuck in this idea that we were in a relationship and that I had to fight for this relationship instead of-

Chris:
So you basically, as the Friends episode, you’re on a break. You’re like, we were on a break.

Anne:
Yeah, exactly.

Chris:
So that’s what you had to convince, but he didn’t view it that way, I’m guessing.

Anne:
No, no. He was like, no, when I say I’m done, I’m done, so.

Chris:
You got the last laugh there, but we’ll get to that. So you are texting him consistently four days, at any point, when does it hit that, okay, he’s really broken up and maybe I need to go search help online? Were you furiously Googling all throughout this four days or was it just … Take me back to that moment, where are you?

Anne:
So I was in a bit of a depressed state. I think I was talking to some of my friends and I did a little bit of Googling, but I wasn’t really committed to any course of action at that point. I just really wanted to talk to him still and he was suggesting, oh, well, we might be able to be friends after some time. And I think it really hit me when I suggested I was like, well, maybe we could take a bit of time apart. And I guess we can talk at some other time. And he was like, yeah, I really think that time would be good for you. And I was like, oh, okay.

Chris:
Okay. So at that point, when the realization hits, at that point, do you come Googling or looking for advice? How do you eventually find Ex Boyfriend Recovery?

Anne:
That’s exactly what I did. I was like, what does it mean when your ex boyfriend says that we should be friends after a break up? And I just, I kept looking, I found a couple of programs. I was like, this just doesn’t feel right to me. And then I found yours and I was actually really intrigued, because I was like, oh, he’s not suggesting that this is impossible. He’s not suggesting a definite no contact. So.

Chris:
So you probably take the leap of faith, you buy the program, you get into the program, you obviously get into the Facebook group. What is your approach at that point?

Anne:
I think I was still thinking, well, I don’t really need to do no contact, we can just …

Chris:
You’re talking yourself out of it.

Anne:
I was. I was really talking myself out of it. And then the other thing that I think was challenging for me was this whole idea that it’s about you as well. You have to go through this authentic change, and I was like, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with how I’m doing things. I still didn’t think that I contributed to anything.

Chris:
Was it a function of you looking at, you’re trying to pick apart the mistakes you made in the relationship? Is that what you’re basically saying?

Anne:
Yeah, I went through the list of detractors that we have here in the guide, and I was like, well, I don’t know, what was it that actually caused the breakup? And I couldn’t come to a conclusion on that for a long time. I just was very confused about the whole reasoning.

Chris:
So eventually, you decide you’re going to do the no contact rule and this is what I’m really eager to hear about. What do you do to stay sane during that no contact rule? Do you break it, do you see it through to the end? What are you doing with your time?

Anne:
I threw myself into self improvement. I think that’s just the person that I tend to be anyway. So I worked on my trinity, I worked on also on goals that might align my worldview, my way of doing things a little bit more with his, because I hadn’t really been thinking about that. And I really sat down with myself and I was like, okay, what are we going to do if this works and if this doesn’t work? Well, presumably the same thing, so I should just do it.

Chris:
Right. So, during the no contact rule, do you feel like you got to a point emotionally where you had a lot more emotional control over wanting him back or not wanting him back? Do you … Because I’ve been noticing this interesting trend and maybe you can tell me if you experienced it, as a lot of the people who seem to be successful in winning their exes back, get to this point during their self improvement type process, where they get to this point where they just don’t care about getting their exes back anymore. It’s almost like it’s intriguing, but there’s other things in life that I’m just as interested in doing. Did you ever get to a point like that?

Anne:
Oh, absolutely. And I think it wasn’t until later in no contact though. I think the first couple of weeks, really rocky, really emotional, you’re still bargaining with yourself, but I think after, probably after three or four weeks, I was like, okay, you know what? Whatever comes, comes and I’m just going to handle this as maturely as I can, so.

Chris:
What are some of the activities you throw yourself into to obtain this mindset? Because I find this the most difficult mindset for anyone to achieve.

Anne:
It totally is. I think I really started looking at the situation for what it was. I started evaluating, you know what? What am I looking for? Not just in a partner, because I found that hard for a bit doing some goal setting. I was like, oh, what do I want in a romantic partner? Well, I want my ex, but I put that off for a little bit and I started focusing more holistically on everything else in life, improving my relationships. And I thought to myself, well, at the end of the day, he’s going to have to … He was the one that broke up with me. He ended up breaking that relationship off, and if he wants me back then he’s the one that’s going to have to work on it, right? I’m not going to be the one that’s just throwing myself out there because that’s just, I don’t feel like it was going to be congruent with the value that I’d found for myself and my time.

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Chris:
Okay. So you get through no contact, maybe towards the later stages you feel you obtain that mindset where you’re just like, you know what, if he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t, whatever.

Anne:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris:
Obviously no contact ends, and that’s where we start advising our clients to begin communication. What was that like for you?

Anne:
Well, I think my story was a little bit different. I do work with my ex boyfriend.

Chris:
So you had more of a limited no contact type thing or because of the pandemic were you forced … Was it one of those things where you could do a true no contact rule or you had to communicate with your ex for work?

Anne:
There were, I believe there was one time, I think I had to reach out for something work related. So, it was pretty much no contact. I immediately started posting tons of stuff on my social media, even just work stuff. And what was interesting to me was he was liking a lot of my work stuff on my social media. He reached out after probably close to three weeks saying, hey, how did that presentation go? And so, I was like [crosstalk 00:14:11]-

Chris:
Were you still in no contact at that point?

Anne:
I was, yeah.

Chris:
So you didn’t respond to that, I’m hoping.

Anne:
I said it went great, thanks and I [inaudible 00:14:21].

Chris:
So, you just used that as the excuse to do the limited no contact type thing.

Anne:
Pretty much. And it was at work, it was work related, but I was like, what would I say to a casual coworker in this scenario? So I just said, it went great, thanks. Then, I think I had to reach out again, I think it was after 30 days, I want to say, with an offer from the committee that I was on to-

Chris:
So you reached out to him with a work type text message?

Anne:
Yes.

Chris:
How did he respond?

Anne:
He responded saying yes, absolutely, let me know if I can be involved. And then it was about 10 minutes later, he followed it up with something to the effect of, just a personal comment, then I ignored that and I responded, great, we’ll be in touch and I’ll send you a quick email and then Christine will take it from here or whatever. And then he was like, okay. And then about 10 minutes later, he messages me again, how have you been? So, I ignored that.

Chris:
This seems to be a common thing for exes after the no contact rule, how have you been? How are you? You ignore it, what do you do? Just ignore it and wait a day?

Anne:
Yeah, I ignored it. I was still in no contact during this time, I think, because I had initially I wasn’t sure if I was going to do 30 days or 45 days and I was back and forth between the two periods. So, I was going to leave it and then he messaged me again saying, oh, this is awkward, hope you’re doing great. I’ll take your silence as good, bad, or I don’t know. And so, I ignored that and I didn’t hear from him for a while. So, most people would freak out, I think, but I didn’t freak out. I was like, no, this is good. I’ll just keep him in the dark.

Chris:
What I’m curious about is when you enter the texting phase, let’s say you have that mindset we were talking about, did at any point in literally communicating with him, did you lose that mindset? Was it … Because I find that when sometimes people they’re not talking to their ex, it’s easier for them to get that, I don’t care mindset. And then when they actually hear from their ex, they’re like, I care so much. Did you ever find a bit of a hip hopping like that? Hip hopping, horrible adjective.

Anne:
I think no, because I was still really wary of the situation. I was like, I don’t know what he’s used this time for yet, so I don’t want to get ahead of myself in thinking that things are going to be great or that he even wants a relationship. So, we did some small talk. We did just some snap chatting, back and forth. I kept it really casual. And then he reached out one night, I’m trying to remember how it went exactly. But he was still really in the mindset of, oh maybe we could be friends and whatever and I was just like, I’m not going to play into this. That’s not how this is going to go.

Chris:
When he says, hey, let’s be friends, did you ignore it or did you basically come out and say, I’m not interested in that?

Anne:
I took as much of a middle of the road approach as I could. I said, you know what? I have definitely made a lot of changes in my life at this point. I’m doing a lot for myself, but I wouldn’t necessarily be interested in friendship. I wish you the best kind of thing.

Chris:
So, it’s a more drawn out version of I’m not interested.

Anne:
Yeah, essentially. I was like, I’m not going to beat around here per se, so I didn’t. And he, interestingly enough, he stopped responding to my messages and I knew he read them, because I saw that he read them. And so I waited till the next morning and he reached out midway through the morning saying, can I call you? And I was like, oh, I’m not going to jump on this. So I said, all right, I’d like to discuss further if you’ve got any thoughts, but I’m busy this weekend. So, maybe you can call me on Sunday night, I can make some time.

Anne:
So I gave him, that was Friday, I think, Friday morning. So I gave him a couple of days just to think on it, to stew on it and turns out he did call me. And he said pretty much everything that I wanted to hear. He was like, yeah, I really feel we didn’t give our relationship a good enough chance. And he also said, I was watching this transformation happen. I kept hearing from people that you were doing so well, I kept seeing on your social media that you were just doing all these things and it got me super, super curious about what you were doing.

Chris:
What else did he say?

Anne:
Yeah, I basically said, well, I think that this is all great, but I definitely want to talk about what happened and where we go from here. And I said, I just want to take it slow. Let’s get to know each other again, because I think anything going forward is going to be a new relationship. It’s not going to be, hopefully not going to be what we had before, because that was ultimately not super great for either of us.

Chris:
So you pushed for that in person conversation?

Anne:
I did, yeah. But, I didn’t say exactly when, he asked me, I think at the end of the conversation, if I was free the following week. And so, I said, yeah, you know what? We can get coffee or something.

Chris:
How long of a wait is this until you actually see him in person?

Anne:
I saw him in person after my birthday in June, which was middle of June. So I ended up seeing him, we were only texting probably for a coupe of weeks.

Chris:
So, you have this phone call where you set up this date, essentially. Do you notice the texting becoming a lot more frequent after that phone call?

Anne:
Yes. And you know what? It was unfortunately me, because I was getting a little bit excited, and so I tried texting him, which we hadn’t texted since the last time that we had been texting and that didn’t go very well. I got a very neutral response there. So I was like, okay, time to be indirect again. So I went back to, I think it was Snapchat and I just, I tried to keep it light, but I was, I definitely increased the frequency of my messages to him during that time.

Chris:
Well, was he mirroring the behavior at that point? Is he matching your texts intensity or frequency?

Anne:
It was definitely less than what I was putting out. It wasn’t unfriendly, but I think he definitely still had a lot more reservations than I did.

Chris:
That’s interesting. So how did this in person conversation go?

Anne:
We didn’t actually have a serious conversation until later on. I decided to put it off. So I dressed up really nice and we went to this really cute cafe and basically just started to make some small talks, started to … And I tried to keep it as light as possible like lots of laughter and we just had a really nice time. He ended up texting me after saying I had such a nice time, I’d love to see you again. And then he started talking about how much that he had missed me during the time that we were apart. And I kept it as limited on my end as I could, because I was like, yeah, well I miss you isn’t I want to get back together though. So, yeah.

Chris:
He says I miss you, how exactly are you responding to that?

Anne:
I basically said, yeah, it was a good time apart, but I miss you too. And I had such a great time. I more focused on the situation at hand, which was, I had a great time we had.

Chris:
You just reframed it basically saying, oh, that’s so sweet. I miss you too, but I’m more focused on this right now.

Anne:
Exactly, yeah.

Chris:
Okay. So you basically have this meetup. I try to frame it as meetup, medium date, romantic date. Do you go from this meetup to a romantic date and have this conversation or is it another couple of dates before you actually have this talk, we’ll call it?

Anne:
Yeah. I’m trying to remember here, I don’t think we went on another date after that. I think we had another hangout and then I initiated a conversation about, hey, what are we doing? How are you? And he actually asked me to get back together, so.

Chris:
Over text?

Anne:
No, he asked me in person actually, because I think it was after my birthday.

Chris:
So basically in the next hangout?

Anne:
Exactly. I was out with some of my friends and then we ended up seeing each other in a friend scenario after my birthday.

Chris:
So, it was like a group type thing, he just can’t hold it anymore and basically he says, can you take me back?

Anne:
Yeah, exactly. He was like, I’ve really had time to think about it, and I really have enjoyed being reconnected with you the last little bit. I think we should give our relationship a second go.

Chris:
Okay. So now I’m going to ask you a couple of really interesting questions, okay? You said that you talked to him to get some dirt to figure out exactly what was going on. I’m actually eager to hear what he had to say and then I’d like to contrast it to what you, your experience and if there’s any difference. So, what did you learn in prepping for the interview from him?

Anne:
Well, I just asked him, I said, you know what? I’m optimistic about the future, but I’m concerned because I feel like what is it that’s really keeping us together this time that wasn’t a deal breaker last time? And he opened up to me and he just said, I know you’re concerned about the future, but he said, for me, I was seeing that there were some communication issues. There were some roadblocks that we would maybe touch on and then we wouldn’t actually talk about them. We just tried to move around them and plan for the future. And he’s like, but there were some sticking points in the ways that we were interacting and just the things that we were doing that I didn’t feel like were going to set us up for the future that we wanted. So he said, I felt it was better to cut it off early than to get a couple of years down the road to what he felt was the end of the line and break up then.

Chris:
Okay. So basically his always has to do with future based stuff. He’s really looking for a wife that he could potentially marry it looks like.

Anne:
Yeah, that’s to my understanding. Yeah.

Chris:
Okay. So now I’m curious to get your take on what you feel worked. When you just look back on the entire experience, what worked for you in your opinion?

Anne:
I think I realized I had become a negative in his life. I was lumped in with the rest of the stress that was going on and I just, we didn’t have that upbeat lighthearted relationship that we had before. I had become fairly critical and I was going through stress too, but definitely I feel just over time, proving through my actions rather than my words, that I’m somebody that’s super fun to be around and discovering that side of myself as well through the program. Just realizing that I am someone super fun to be around. I felt, again, just making a couple of life changes, just the way that I approached things, the way that I viewed things, he really saw us as people that were more aligned than we had been before.

Chris:
So do you feel like that time that you “worked” on yourself during the no contact rule was the most essential aspect to your success?

Anne:
Oh, absolutely. And that’s what I tell people now. I recommended a few people to the program and I’ve said, if this is not going to work, unless you really apply yourself to the self portion of this as well, because there was something, some reason that he broke up with you or you broke up with him and you’re going to go back to the same relationship if you’re the same person, unless it’s purely environmental factors, but that’s 100% my advice is, you have to fully apply yourself to the self improvement portion.

Chris:
No, the one thing I’ve always honed in on in these success stories is the one trend, and so far it is 15 for 15. Literally the last 15 success stories that I’ve interviewed in the past month have all said that this concept exists, and it’s this concept of getting to this point where you’re just like, you don’t care if you get your ex back or not. I’m curious, you mentioned you had a bit of that mentality, right?

Anne:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris:
So I’m interested in, what would it be that you would tell yourself when you would be having those type of vibes? Everyone always has a different way of phrasing it. I’m just curious what would be your mantra when it came to this?

Anne:
Sure. I think the thing that made the difference for me was seeing the situation for what it was right now, at this present moment, not how I want it to be, not how it was, but I really started to … I didn’t reread the old text messages. I didn’t go through our photos, I didn’t go through our videos. I accepted that in that moment I was working on what I could work on and whoever my ex was, whatever he was doing, that’s not who he was to me at that very moment. That the choice to break up with me was his choice and his alone and he hadn’t gone back on it to that point. So, I was like, okay, you know what? This is what you chose, and I’m going to come to a real acceptance of that in my own mind. I’m not going to romanticize the past in a sense.

Chris:
So I’m thinking that you must have used the Facebook group, right? You had to have used the Facebook group. Did you feel that was an essential support aspect to this? Because the no contact rule can be pretty brutal.

Anne:
Oh yeah. The first couple of weeks, especially, I was constantly on there, sad and should I break no contact? Well, I think just a conversation would work this out and maybe it’s just a misunderstanding, and all the ladies on there and some of the guys as well were just like, no, you have to really take this time. This is good time for you. And I met a couple of really awesome people that became my battle buddies and I’m still in contact with them still, and actually I think too, both of them that I was in contact with also ended up getting back together with their exes. So, it was a success all around.

Chris:
Where do you feel like most people go wrong in the group though? Because obviously not everyone gets their exes back and I feel like the success rate can be a lot higher than most people realize, but there’s something that they’re missing. What do you think that missing factor is for most people?

Anne:
I would say the concept of emotional control. I think even the people that follow everything to the letter, it’s not about following it to the letter. I think it’s about reframing your understanding of the whole situation, really gaining that control over your emotions. Again, I found the resources in the group, like the books that were suggested were super helpful. The one on Crucial Conversations, the one on the emotional storm, Calming the Emotional Storm.

Chris:
Right, right, that’s a pretty popular one. So you feel like it’s really just emotional control that people need to, that’s where they go wrong most of the time.

Anne:
Yeah. I think we always want to be optimistic about what messages mean and what things mean, but I think in doing that, sometimes we jump ahead of ourselves a little bit and go full into something that’s maybe developing still. So, 100% even if your story deviates where maybe you didn’t do as long of a texting phase, or as long of a no contact phase, I think it’s still important to understand that there is a value chain here. There is a process that you do need to follow.

Chris:
So you mentioned you have some battle buddy friends that even got their exes back. In talking with them, do you feel like they followed the template, the value chain value ladder concept, or did they go off into the weeds a little bit?

Anne:
I think we all went off into the weeds a little bit because each situation was different. But I think the thing that was the common thread was, you have to have a level head when you’re going into any conversation or any scenario, right? The advice I got from them a lot was sleep on it. I know you want to send that message right now, but sleep on it and then reevaluate in the morning. And I found it super helpful, because I know things I wanted to say, I was like, I’m 100% sure I’m going to say this. And then I would wake up the next morning and I’d be like, nope, we’re not going to send this. This is a terrible idea.

Chris:
It’s funny how often that happens, isn’t it?

Anne:
Oh, for real.

Chris:
So, from a perspective who is just listening to this, they are not in the program. They don’t know everything that’s entitled to make success. What would you tell just the average person to do? What is one thing they can do right now to just help them with their break up?

Anne:
I think, get some good support around you, but I found that at a certain point, your friends get a little bit tired of it. So, having a community like Ex Recovery, I found super key. Just people that you can talk to because you’re going to be sad and that’s okay to be sad, but the last person that you want to be sad to is the person that broke up with you. So definitely, feel your feelings, but I would say get some people around you that you can talk to about all of this because you don’t actually want to talk to your ex about it. More than likely, the response you’re going to get is going to be really disappointing.