Today I’m going to show you the biggest mistakes that women make when they are trying to win their exes back.
The mistakes that I am going to list here today have been connected to hundreds of situations where women have been unsuccessful at salvaging their relationships.
- Breaking The No Contact Rule
- Going Too Fast Too Soon
- Living Together With Your Ex After A Breakup
- Waiting For Them To Text You First
- Being A GNAT
- No Curiosity Hook In Conversations
- Going Through The Process Without A Plan
- Doing Too Long Of A No Contact Rule
- Writing A Letter To Your Ex
- Sending A Gift To Your Ex
- Wishing Your Ex A Happy Birthday During No Contact
- Not Even Doing A No Contact Rule
- Being Emotionally Unstable
- Sleeping With Your Ex
- Getting Into A Fight With Your Ex
- Expecting Results Too Fast
- Not Being Able To Outgrow Your Ex
- Giving Your Ex An Ultimatum
Let’s take an in-depth look at these mistakes and why they are momentum killers.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizMistake #1: Breaking The No Contact Rule Too Soon
Throughout the history of Ex Boyfriend Recovery I have talked a lot about the no contact rule.
In fact, I’ve talked a lot about it on my YouTube channel too.
So, if you’re wanting a complete run down of what it is and how it should be employed I recommend that you check those resources out.
What I’m here to talk about today is the single biggest mistake that I see people making when they try a no contact rule out on their ex.
The break it far too soon.
In fact, our independent studies have found that close to 80% of our clients who implement a no contact rule will break it prematurely.
Now, what do you think that means?
Breaking it too soon.
Think of it like this.
We are famous here for recommending three different time frames for the no contact rule.
- The 21 Day Rule
- The 30 Day Rule
- The 45 Day Rule
Go here to figure out how long you should be doing your no contact period.
If you determine that you are supposed to be doing the 30 day rule then that means that you need to ignore your ex for 30 straight days.
But so much can happen.
What happens if around day 8 your ex texts you this,
The temptation to talk to them is going to be at an all time high.
You can see why so many exes falter when it comes to “staying true” to their no contact time period.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizBut why is it a mistake?
Well, contrary to popular belief having to do a no contact rule over and over again will actually hamper your chances of success.
As a general rule of thumb I tell my clients that every time you have to restart a no contact rule it loses effectiveness.
Mistake #2: Going Too Fast, Too Soon
Another thing that I’ve made famous here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is my concept of the value chain.
Essentially it’s the ultimate blueprint for “winning an ex back.”
Something that me and my team have refined over half a decade to help people have a better chance of success when it comes to reconnecting with their exes.
Of course, coming up with something as amazing as “the value chain” is nice but it spawned a very unique problem.
People who would buy my course would learn about how the value chain worked and try to work through it as fast as possible.
Normally a value chain is supposed to be progressed through very slowly like this,
Step by painful step.
However, something we began to notice about our clients is that they would completely disregard the natural progression of the value chain because they were too eager to get to the end.
So, instead of going from the no contact rule phase to the texting phase they’d skip two whole steps and ask for a date right out of the no contact rule.
Imagine how awkward that must be.
Going too fast, too soon is the death of success.
Remember that.
Mistake #3: Living Together With An Ex After A Breakup
Most of the clients that I work with do not live with their exes.
However, every once in a while I’ll work with someone who does live with their ex. This always makes everything more complicated as strategies like the no contact rule become less effective.
In the past I used to tell my clients that it wasn’t that big of a deal but over the years I’ve gotten quite a bit of experience with how to handle this situation.
One of the best things that you can do for yourself if you find yourself in a situation where you live with your ex is to find a way to remove yourself from that situation.
Now, it’s not always possible for everyone but for most it is and it’s something that my team and I highly recommend you do.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizBut why?
Well, a lot of the strategies we teach lean on this idea of absence making the heart grow fonder.
Put more simply,
The fear of loss
It’s very difficult to achieve this fear of loss if you are seeing your ex every single day.
Not to mention it makes an amazing strategy like the no contact rule less effective as you have to alter it into a “limited contact” rule.
Honestly, there isn’t much more I can say to expand on this other than the simple fact that if you live with your ex find a way to get out of that situation.
Mistake #4: Waiting For Them To Text You First
Most of the people who go through my course are women.
And the funny thing about women is that they have this inherent belief that they shouldn’t ever have to make a first move.
And in most cases this inherent belief is a positive thing.
However, breakups tend to be one particular situation where this “wait for them to text me first” rule isn’t that effective.
If there’s one thing I want to leave you with today it’s the fact that what matters the most isn’t who starts the conversation but who ends it.
I’ve talked about that in depth in this particular video.
Obsessing about who texts who first is all about your own personal pride.
Let me ask you a question.
If you are intent on getting your ex back but are unable to do so because you refuse to take a chance and reach out to them first can you live with yourself?
At the end of the day are you ok with missing that opportunity.
I feel like there is this dangerous narrative where people believe who starts a conversation is indicative of who cares more.
Sometimes that logic holds but I’ve found that what makes a more lasting impression is who ends the conversation and more important where the conversation is ended.
Memory experts often cite this idea of the peak end rule.
Peak End Rule: Human beings often remember experiences based on the peak of the experience and the end of the experience.
Notice how it says nothing about the start of the experience.
Stop obsessing about having your ex reach out to you first.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizStart obsessing about ending the conversation first.
Mistake #5: You Are Too Much Of A GNAT
No, I’m not talking about those annoying bugs that fly around your head and never leave you alone.
Wait…
Actually I am talking about that.
Think for a moment of how annoying and disgusting you find it when gnats swarm around you. It seems that no matter how fast you run or hard you swat they don’t go away.
That’s how it can sometimes feel to an ex who becomes annoyed with you during conversations.
Being a “GNAT” is one of the most common behaviors I see men and women making after a breakup.
Oh, by the way GNAT is an acronym that stands for,
G- Going
N- Nuts
A- At
T- Texting
The important thing I want to leave you with here is the fact that this isn’t just about “going crazy in your texting conversations” being a GNAT can have many different applications.
It’s sort of the acronym my students use to describe all kinds of desperate behaviors when it comes to breakups.
Here are some of the most popular GNATTY behaviors.
- Texting an ex non stop
- Begging for an ex back
- Acting very desperate
- Giving an ex an ultimatum
- Not getting the hint of when a conversation should be over
If you’ve engaged in any of these types of behaviors then you have exhibited GNAT behavior and that isn’t a good thing.
Mistake #6: No Curiosity Hook In Conversations
One of the coolest parts of going through the course here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery is the fact that it gives you access to an amazing Facebook Group full of individuals who are going through breakups themselves.
The Facebook group has fast become one of the staples of our program.
It’s a place where women can go to get support and learn about what’s working.
Anyways, one of the most interesting aspects of the whole group are some of the collection of text messages they have utilized to get responses from their exes.
In fact, in the facebook group you can see there is an entire album dedicated to successful first text messages.
One look at that album and it becomes clear that there is a common theme among the successful text messages.
Each one has an inherent curiosity hook embedded within it.
What’s a curiosity hook?
I’m glad you asked.
Curiosity Hook – It’s an element of a conversation that is so intriguing your ex can’t help but respond or ask about it.
One of the biggest challenges that most of my clients face is figuring out exactly how to get an ex to respond to them.
Most of the time the text messages they come up with to do just that are awful.
Simply texting,
Isn’t going to cut it.
There’s no incentive for your ex to even respond to that.
Now, let’s compare that to one of the text messages in the facebook group album.
What’s the first thought that is probably going to come into an exes head upon receiving this text message?
“What news?”
This creates enough of a hook to get them to bite.
Texting an ex is a lot like fishing. You just need to figure out what will make them bite and that’s when you have them right where you want them.
Mistake #7: Going Through The Process Without Any Kind Of Plan
Look, I’m going to level with you.
I’m aware of the fact that most of the people who read this article that want their exes back will disregard my advice and do things their way.
I get that.
However, let me tell you why that is a major mistake.
Most of the people who try to get their exes back in general fail.
Your relationship ended for a reason and you are embarking on a journey to convince someone to do something they don’t want to do.
If you don’t have any kind of plan for success you probably won’t succeed.
I’m not saying that to be rude I’m saying that because I’ve seen so many people try and fail and without any kind of plan your chances of success are much lower.
There’s also the people who on the opposite end of the spectrum who spend all their time searching for a plan and stumble across all these great ideas that they think will work but in the end get information overload and can’t stick to just one core plan.
That’s a mistake too because with this kind of scenario all that really matters is having a plan and sticking to it.
Not having a plan is a mistake.
And having more than one plan that you are implementing at once is a mistake as well.
Pick one plan and stick to it.
Mistake #8: Doing Too Long Of A No Contact Rule
Have you ever heard of our habit rule?
Basically a few years ago when researching exactly how long it takes to form a habit (and thereby break a habit) we discovered the magic number of 66 days.
In other words, it takes 66 days in order to form a habit or break a habit.
This is particularly useful when considering mistake number eight.
The no contact rule is without a doubt the foundation of the entire strategy that we teach here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. In fact, without it your chances of successfully winning your ex back plummet.
Yet sometimes our clients fall in love with the idea of no contact a little too much and stay in it for too long.
Contrary to what you may hear we have found that timing is a very important part of the get your ex back process.
If you stay in no contact for too long without trying to reach out at all then you’ll find your ex may have already moved on from you.
So, what’s the sweet spot for “too long” of a no contact?
If your no contact rule is longer than 90 days straight you are in dangerous territory.
Mistake #9: Writing A Letter To Your Ex
My take on this is a bit unique.
Often my clients will ask me what I have against letters and the honest answer is nothing.
The issue is that in my decade of time at the helm of Ex Boyfriend Recovery I have never seen them work except in one specific circumstance.
And that specific circumstance shouldn’t really count because it’s when you have essentially already won your ex back.
So, why don’t letters seem to work in 99% of situations.
Well, the hidden key that no one really wants to talk about is that getting an ex back becomes exponentially easier if you’re able shift your anxious behaviors into more secure ones.
Yet often when writing a letter to our exes we are pouring our hearts out and often time apologizing.
Maybe not flat out begging for an ex back but doing enough to trigger your exes eye roll reflex.
It looks incredibly desperate and the last thing you need to be projecting to your ex is desperate types of behaviors.
Mistake #10: Sending A Gift To Your Ex
When I was in my early twenties I was set up with a girl, Katie, I think her name was, by my best friend and his girlfriend.
She had just gotten out of a long relationship (six years) and I was a few years removed from my last relationship.
The two of us went on a few dates and really hit it off but my best friends girlfriend told me that she probably wasn’t in a place where she would be ready to commit.
I didn’t care.
Telling me that almost made me want her more.
And so I decided I was going to do everything in my power to make this girl my girlfriend.
I bought her flowers and continually sent her gifts.
She loved it.
But after a few weeks of “wooing” I worked up the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend officially.
She declined saying she was just out of a relationship.
It was my very first lesson in the fact that gifts do not mean anything unless you are really in a relationship already.
In my mind I thought that if I bought these gifts for this girl she would immediately see how great I was and be interested in pursuing a relationship.
As if the gifts were what she cared about.
Here’s my point.
You and your ex have just gone through a breakup and you probably are considering winning them back.
Buying them a gift won’t help them make that decision.
Don’t get me wrong, they’ll accept the gift but they won’t commit to you over it.
Instead, all you really do by getting your ex gifts is making them realize how much you still are into them.
Something you’re actually trying to avoid.
Mistake #11: Wishing Your Ex A Happy Birthday During No Contact
Ah, the bane of my existence.
I’ve been on record many times stating my thoughts on this,
But to put it in a nutshell.
I believe that breaking the no contact rule, something you’re supposed to hold strong on, to simply wish your ex a happy birthday is a gigantic mistake.
Is it a nice thing to do? Yes.
Is it going to show your ex that you still care? Yes
But what it also does is ruin your discipline during no contact and let’s get real, if you really convinced yourself that wishing your ex a happy birthday was going to be the main factor in them taking you back you have bigger problems.
Wishing your ex a happy birthday has no bearing on whether they take you back or not.
Our society is too obsessed with worrying about what others think.
Here’s a thought.
Who cares what your ex thinks.
That’s the mentality that you need to have during no contact.
Oh, one other thing wishing your ex a happy birthday does.
It indulges your obsession at a time when you’re supposed to be outgrowing it.
That obsession being your ex.
Mistake #12: Not Even Doing A No Contact Rule
There are two types of people who come to this website.
- The prophets
- The practitioners
At first these two are identical.
Both come and read the free material. Both think to themselves,
“Wow, Chris is right.”
Both make a supreme declaration that they are going to follow the advice to a T.
Where they begin to deviate is when it comes to implementation.
Take the most important strategy to get right, the no contact rule.
The prophets tell themselves constantly that they need to do a no contact rule but never actually follow through on it.
Maybe they make it a day without talking to their ex but eventually fear takes over and they go right back to talking to their ex.
- A prophet is someone who THINKS they know what they are doing.
- A practitioner is someone who ACTUALLY knows what they are doing.
When they learn about the fact that they need to do a no contact rule they show extreme discipline and do it.
But why is it such a mistake to NOT do a no contact rule?
What’s the big deal.
Besides all the psychological benefits of a no contact rule what it really does is gets you in the right frame of mind before you begin talking to your ex.
It helps you confront the fear of loss and rather than cowering from it to actually accept it.
Yes, you may have lost your ex forever but that’s ok. You’re going to be ok.
The no contact rule helps you have that type of mentality which oddly enough turns your ex on.
Don’t deprive yourself of this insight by not even doing a no contact rule.
Mistake #13: Being Emotionally Unstable
We are big believers in attachment theory here.
If you aren’t familiar there are four core types of attachment styles,
- Secure: Deals with breakups normally. Grieves and then moves on realizing their life isn’t over.
- Anxious: Deals with breakups by overcorrecting and often is “too much” as they try to fix problems that can’t be fixed overnight.
- Avoidant: Deals with breakups by leaving or ghosting.
- Fearful: Is the odd combination between both anxious behaviors and avoidant behaviors.
What we know from working with clients the last ten years is that most of our clients actually exhibit anxious insecure behavior after a breakup.
- They beg
- They plead
- They show up at their exes work
- They show up at their exes house
- They write LOOOONNNGGGG letters
You get the picture.
Essentially they are the type of individuals with no emotional control.
You’ll often hear us say that you shouldn’t be talking to your ex until you have emotional control.
But what is that?
Well, I personally believe that’s just a fancy way of saying that you’re exhibiting more secure attachment tendencies.
I’ll give you a prime example.
Imagine for a moment that your ex is an avoidant meaning they just disappear off the face of the earth when things get hard for a little bit.
A secure person recognizes their need for time and gives them that time.
An anxious person disregards their need for time and crowds them trying to fix a problem that can’t be fixed.
In other words, an anxious person has no self control when it comes to their relationships.
It’s not that I’m saying the anxious person is wrong. Often times their concern comes from a place of kindness but it’s too much for many exes.
They need to work on their emotional control.
Mistake #14: Sleeping With Your Ex
Most people think that the hardest part of getting an ex back is that period of no contact.
I disagree.
The no contact rule is a test of discipline on your part.
That’s it.
Once you master your mind you’re usually good to go.
The hardest part is building rapport part and getting a commitment part.
Usually what happens with exes is that you are able to build rapport and things will seemingly be going extremely but you can’t get a commitment.
This is typically when our clients convince themselves that if they sleep with their ex they will suddenly have this epiphany and want them back.
What happens instead is they damn themselves to the friends with benefits stage and it becomes exponentially harder to get out of it.
Why?
Well, sleeping with your ex while you aren’t in a committed relationship indicates to them that they can have their cake (their freedom) and eat it too (sleeping with you.)
So, let me make this easy for you.
Do not sleep with your ex after a breakup.
Wait until you have them back before doing that.
Mistake #15: Getting Into A Fight With Your Ex
I always find this one kind of tricky and you’ll see why in a moment but first let me describe what I’m really talking about here.
Let’s say you want your ex back very badly and you start our program to do so.
Things seem to be going well and then your ex says or does something that just enrages you causing you to speak up and eventually you start a fight.
This happens a lot more than you’d imagine.
So, what’s the best way to handle it?
Well, I don’t think allowing an ex to be rude to you is ever ok. I think standing up for yourself is a must.
At the same time there is a difference between standing up for yourself and picking a knock out drag out fight with your ex.
Let’s use a real example.
Someone in our private Facebook support group got this text message for her ex,
– She asks a question
– What am I your assistant? Figure it out for yourself.
So, how should she respond to an ex.
Well, my approach would be to immediately trigger fear of loss in a happy way.
– No worries, I’ll ask someone else.
When dealing with exes you need to be unflappable. Nothing they say should bother you because you need to evolve to a point where nothing they say can bother you.
Mistake #16: Expecting Results Too Fast
I’ve got potentially bad news for you.
This process is not going to happen overnight. In fact, I recently recorded a success story video where I went through what we’ve learned in the past few years from our success stories.
On average it takes our success stories 5.2 months before they end up getting their exes back.
And that’s not including the time before they came into our orbit.
I’ve found that most people tend to come to us with completely unrealistic expectations about how long this process takes.
They literally think it takes 30 days to win an ex back and this kind of false narrative is dangerous because it causes them to quit earlier when they don’t see the immediate results they are expecting.
Temper your expectations before you begin this process.
Mistake #17: Not Being Able To Outgrow Your Ex
Everyones always looking for the quick results.
But that’s not what I’m about.
I’m far more interested in the sustainable results.
So, what creates sustainable results?
Well, upon interviewing success stories it’s really not about a special strategy or a special tactic but rather a mindset that you have when you implement those strategies and tactics.
I like to call it outgrowing your ex.
You get to a point emotionally where you’re so strong that you honestly don’t care if you get your ex back or not.
When you begin our program with that mindset your results are exponentially better.
Yet most people never achieve this mindset because they let fear control them.
I’m worried my ex will move on.
I’m worried ignoring my ex will hurt his feelings.
I’m worried my ex will never talk to me again.
These are anxious attachment style fears and really prove that you haven’t gotten to a point emotionally where you simply don’t care.
Mistake #18: Giving Your Ex An Ultimatum
Ultimatums don’t work.
Well, perhaps I should say explicitly stated ones don’t work.
Saying, “If you don’t come back to me in ten days I’ll be gone forever” is not only a tactical error it’s just childish.
What’s more effective is if you actually backed up your threat without actually telling your ex about it.
That’s the kind of stuff that’s eye opening for an ex.
Show don’t tell!
But at their core ultimatums with exes are a bad match for a number of reasons.
Imagine for a moment you use an ultimatum on your ex and they come back to you. Wouldn’t you always wonder if the only reason they came back to you was because you leveled the ultimatum at them?
But most of the time I find women using ultimatums on their exes actually can’t back up their threats.
They say if you don’t come back to me in ten days I’ll be gone forever.
Yet after those ten days they aren’t gone forever.
Plus let’s be honest. Ultimatums is a childish thing to do.
Brenda
October 17, 2022 at 11:16 pm
Thanks for the insight. My ex an I were together 13 years. Up until 3 days before the break up there were no clues still don’t see any. We never faught. We had 1 disagreement in 13 years. No cheating. On either side that I’m aware of. Can you help. I love him with all my heart. I’m not lonely . I’m keeping busy. I haven’t asked once to come back but I want to badly. My stuff is still at his place. Says I can get it when he’s gone preferably to work. We both work at same place just different areas.
Mariam
October 22, 2020 at 6:02 pm
Very insightful. Thanks! Will make use of the above definitely.
Tina
January 4, 2020 at 9:53 am
Hi Shauna,
Thanks for the reply.
Can I just ask one other quick question please?
At the end of no contact, do I txt with the hope of having being unblocked?? What is the best way to approach this if he blocked my phone number. He hasn’t blocked Facebook though.
I appreciate any advice.
Thank you
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 4, 2020 at 8:51 pm
Hey Tina, so I a method where you can see if it has been delivered, iphone messenger, whatsapp, facebook messenger. So I would use something that tells you it has been delivered and read if possible. And yes reach out at the end of your No Contact
Tina
December 27, 2019 at 9:50 am
My boyfriend and I were together for almost 6 months. We had a really good relationship besides his trust issues from a couple of previous relationships. We reconnected almost 20 yrs after we were first together.
We never had any actual arguments. The last time I was with him he was convinced I was looking at another male. I reassured him I wasn’t and I was completely happy with our relationship. Never the less, he via txt basically ended things. I tried talking to him about it, but he was convinced I would cheat.
He has since blocked my phone number. I messaged him via messenger but no response. Xmas eve was his birthday and I tried calling and realised I had been unblocked. I left a birthday message and he called me back. When he called I was out and couldn’t really talk. I said I would call him back but I am now blocked again. I stupidly called him from another phone and left a message about how much I care about him. Naturally, he hasn’t called back. It’s been just over 4 weeks since we split. Is it too late to implement the no contact rule? I really care about him a lot and we do naturally care back together after 20 yrs.
should I try no contact or just let it be. I feel like after all this time, we came back together for a reason.
Please help!!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 3, 2020 at 12:50 am
Hi Tina it sounds like your ex is insecure which is difficult to re assure when they have ended the relationship, but you do need to do a No Contact and allow him some time to think about how he feels about you and how the fact you have not done anything wrong. Allowing him to calm his thoughts and emotions. Reaching out to him as a friend in 30 days
Lily
September 7, 2019 at 4:41 pm
Hiya! I desperately need some advice..
Me and my ex have been in a serious relationship for 3 1/2 years. We started off our relationship long distance and I often flew to see him in London every twice a year. We have known each other when we were kids at primary school for just a year.
After our third year of being exclusive, he moved to his new place from his parents, and I popped by for a visit and lived with him for the past three months. I noticed that there was something really strange about his behaviour. He was being less affectionate and acted rather distant, so I thought he was probably going through a phase or having mood swings so I didn’t really take too much notice.
One day I got back home after seeing a friend for lunch, he told me there was something important he needed to tell me. I felt like he was acting rather odd.
He told me he doesn’t see a future and has lost feelings for me from a year and a half ago, and he started sobbing hard. I was totally left speechless and couldn’t believe a word he said there. How could I have not see that coming? He would regularly send me long I love you messages before I went to bed, Skype whenever he’s free and calls me every day and takes me on holidays around Europe.. So everything was a lie!? I couldn’t believe he was able to mask his feelings the entire time and not tell me how he was feeling. I found it mighty creepy..
My heart was shattered into pieces and I felt so devastated. I begged and pleaded him that night, and we both slept on separate beds.
I was so devoted and loyal to him.. We shared all our deepest darkest secrets, our likes and dislikes and shared the same interest in music. We shared our life together.
I thought he was one of the most genuine guys I have ever been in a relationship with. He was so caring, loyal and was like a breath of fresh air to me.
Just to let you know I’m my ex’s first serious girlfriend. He has never had a relationship with anyone in the past.
Before I flew to Amsterdam on a working holiday program, I still didn’t have a confirmed place to stay and didn’t buy my air tickets so I was still left uncertain when I was actually going to fly.
Right after a few days of breaking up with my ex, I decided to take him around the spots in London on a trip down memory lane he took me when we first met.
I brought him to the Tower bridge ( cause I thought it was a romantic spot) and told him “Thank you for everything, this would probably be my last time i’ll be visiting the UK and I probably won’t see you again for good. I’d like to make wonderful memories with you as friends before I set for Amsterdam”. He hugged me and said “ Thank you for everything too”.
I didn’t have a choice and had to live under the same roof with my ex for 3-4 weeks and tried to communicate with him on friendly terms, although it was awkward.
Around the end of august, I finally found a place to stay in Amsterdam and bought my air tickets so we both said bye to each other at the airport.
I sobbed and told him “I love you”.
I am now on my first week of NC without breaking it. Before that I was still texting him here and there and accidentally broke the NC twice because I missed his voice so badly. I told him how much I loved him, missed him, and asked if he fancied anyone.
He told me in a cold tone “I have already moved on, you should probably move on too and focus on yourself, cause I don’t want to be together with you anymore”.
From that day onwards I left him alone and went NC.
Is there still a chance we will get back together? I have been working on myself so hard this first week. What would your advice be?
Shaunna
September 12, 2019 at 10:05 pm
Hi Lily, you’re taking the right steps working to be the best version of yourself and completing a NC first. Then you need to start working on your texting phase.
Lily
September 7, 2019 at 4:40 pm
Hiya! I desperately need some advice..
Me and my ex have been in a serious relationship for 3 1/2 years. We started off our relationship long distance and I often flew to see him in London every twice a year. We have known each other when we were kids at primary school for just a year.
After our third year of being exclusive, he moved to his new place from his parents, and I popped by for a visit and lived with him for the past three months. I noticed that there was something really strange about his behaviour. He was being less affectionate and acted rather distant, so I thought he was probably going through a phase or having mood swings so I didn’t really take too much notice.
One day I got back home after seeing a friend for lunch, he told me there was something important he needed to tell me. I felt like he was acting rather odd.
He told me he doesn’t see a future and has lost feelings for me from a year and a half ago, and he started sobbing hard. I was totally left speechless and couldn’t believe a word he said there. How could I have not see that coming? He would regularly send me long I love you messages before I went to bed, Skype whenever he’s free and calls me every day and takes me on holidays around Europe.. So everything was a lie!? I couldn’t believe he was able to mask his feelings the entire time and not tell me how he was feeling. I found it mighty creepy..
My heart was shattered into pieces and I felt so devastated. I begged and pleaded him that night, and we both slept on separate beds.
I was so devoted and loyal to him.. We shared all our deepest darkest secrets, our likes and dislikes and shared the same interest in music. We shared our life together.
I thought he was one of the most genuine guys I have ever been in a relationship with. He was so caring, loyal and was like a breath of fresh air to me.
Just to let you know I’m my ex’s first serious girlfriend. He has never had a relationship with anyone in the past.
Before I flew to Amsterdam on a working holiday program, I still didn’t have a confirmed place to stay, and didn’t buy my air tickets so I was still left uncertain when I was actually going to fly.
Right after a few days of breaking up with my ex, I decided to take him around the spots in London on a trip down memory lane he took me when we first met.
I brought him to the Tower bridge ( cause I thought it was a romantic spot), and told him “Thank you for everything, this would probably be my last time i’ll be visiting the UK and I probably won’t see you again for good. I’d like to make wonderful memories with you as friends before I set for Amsterdam”. He hugged me and said “ Thank you for everything too”.
I didn’t have a choice and had to live under the same roof with my ex for 3-4 weeks and tried to communicate with him on friendly terms, although it was awkward.
Around the end of august, I finally found a place to stay in Amsterdam and bought my air tickets so we both said bye to each other at the airport.
I sobbed and told him “I love you”.
I am now on my first week of NC without breaking it. Before that I was still texting him here and there and accidentally broke the NC twice because I missed his voice so badly. I told him how much I loved him, missed him, and asked if he fancied anyone.
He told me in a cold tone “I have already moved on, you should probably move on too and focus on yourself, cause I don’t want to be together with you anymore”.
From that day onwards I left him alone and went NC.
Is there still a chance we will get back together? What would your advice be? Please help!!
Andrina
August 14, 2019 at 10:27 pm
Hey Chris
I recently broke up with my ex we were together for 1 year we moved in quickly and my ex wasn’t very honest wihh in our realtionship and cheated twice after being able to leave home he left me and I just can’t get over it we spent every day together we got on so well. I’m not sure if he’s maybe needs some space alone since the last 6 months we have been close every day but I keep calling and he gets more and more angry. I just want him to miss me what should I do to make him talk to me or miss me please help
Andrina
Help
August 8, 2019 at 10:06 pm
Long story short I’ve know this guy for a year and a half. He wanted to be together and I didn’t then he got a girlfriend and the tables turned. Once they broke up for good we started hanging out again and I asked him out he said he liked me and loved hang out but wasn’t ready. I sent a message saying we couldn’t be friends anymore but a few days later realize I over reacted so I sent him a text he replied friendly but then said “I thought you hated me “ I jokingly said “I did but now I’m over it lol” and he never replied . Should I reached out again or start no contact
Chris Seiter
August 9, 2019 at 4:36 am
Perhaps you should explore around the edges
Louise
August 6, 2019 at 10:35 am
Dear Chris,
It is not about an ex but I would really appreciate your opinion. I’ve been reading your site before and successfully got back my ex, it was a few years ago, we didn’t last but nevermind. It was for the better.
I have been chatting with one guy for two weeks every day, long distance, we have never met but he would like to meet me. However I am not sure if he likes me or he is just trying to get laid. He started to mention me in that context, mentioning me naked although jokingly but still. I told him I don’t want that type of adventure. He continued about me naked and then he stopped.
I don’t know how to react.
My male friend said that he and his ex were joking about sex during typing phase before meeting live but I don’t know.
Before in life, when I would accept that kind of jokes it would end in fwb situation.
I don’t want to seem some boring prude to him but I want him to take me more seriously and want to know if he sees me as a girlfriend material. But I can’t ask him that because we haven’t even met yet. It’s long distance and we won’t be able to meet for some time.
I would really appreciate your advice. Does men mention sex when they want a commitment also?
Mel
August 5, 2019 at 5:39 pm
I really need help ,
Ive listened to all your things pod cast brought the pro and read the book and I think Ive already stuffed up .. ive worked on me apart from losing weight from not being able to eat after the break up and having a major injury stopping me from working i am now stuck on the me part. so how and where do I start now .
Back story:
Relationship/ on and off long distance for 2 years , but on the last 6months .
The break up-
I sent a really bad text over a fight because didnt get enough time together that was it and we never spoke for 2 months (no contact ) ,both being suborn and both went on dates with others during that time.
But then i moved home to where he lives we slept together, then talked / fought he said he needed space (i cried and sent texts like i love you blah blah blah how much i wanted him he said he needed space and that we wanted different things i begged that we didnt) and so i didnt message for 2 week- then i started texting , he texted for a bit and now hes ingoring me and wont reply to anything. i think hes seeing the another girl , we also share a puppy but ive asked can i see the puppy and still no reply. What do i do ? Where do i start , i went back to the no contact rule when he stopped replying and when i first heard your advice, its been 2 weeks … and now this weekend i will see him at a function and possibly with his new partner im panicking what to do and say and have I already stuffed it up in getting him back.
Help.
Kitty
August 4, 2019 at 10:52 am
Hi chris,
Recently I started meeting an ex after 3 years apart. It was going ok, we met on a few occasions and we slept together once. He continued to call me and ask me to meet him, until the other day. We spent the night together. Then in the morning I woke up feeling hurt because I wanted to cuddle him and I couldn’t, I said to him bluntly that I don’t wanna carry on if it was just this he wanted, he didn’t chat about it much. Then I dropped him off home. I text him twice after just apologising for being moody in the morning and he hasn’t replied. This has left me feeling so used and helpless as really he’s got what he wants now. I messaged him one last time just saying is everything ok between us and I’ve yet to see him reply. I really want a relationship with this guy again and I don’t want to mess up any more chances I might get. I just wanted some advice or what to do now? How do I get him back? I know not sleeping with him again is the first step but how do I get to that position where he’s chasing me again? Help!
MES
July 30, 2019 at 7:49 pm
Hi Chris
My ex and I dated for 4 years and broke up after 2 of living together. There were some issues, but nothing that hurt the other or was not fixable. A lot of our troubles stemmed from work situations that caused one of us (myself) to become depressed at home, resulting in arguments and misplaced emotions.
About immediately after breaking up, he and his ex before me began talking and now seem to be seeing each other (he has not told me this, but I know they are somewhat involved and talk via text). They dated for a little under 2 years prior to his dating me. Is this a rebound on his part? There are signs (according to your site) that lead me to believe he still loves me, and he brings up our past relationship at times. But at times hes hot and cold, and blames me for the breakup- claims my depression pushed him away after 4 years of loving me. I couldnt implement strict no contact, since we still needed to be in contact about our shared apartment; however, I did not reach out to him in our time apart. He was always reaching out, and not about his things or the apartment- but instead to talk to me and “check in” as he put it a few times. It’s been about 2 months.
I need a little help understanding the situation- is he rebounding with his ex? We are very different people- and the reason he broke up with her has not changed in their situation. Is NC applicable in this situation now that we’re no longer in the same apartment? Is all hope lost in this situation? Etc.
Drea
July 30, 2019 at 2:38 pm
Help! I did no contact and it seemed to work. My ex was talking to me again and getting friendlier and showing signs he missed me. He made plans to see me but then started going distant and started avoiding me and postponed our dinner plans. I called him and he essentially went through the whole break up speech with me again. I guess he had second thoughts and decided it’s best not to see me. 🙁 Will doing no contact work again? Is there anything I can do to salvage this? I feel like all my hard work is wasted and I ruined my chances. I should have backed away and given space but instead I panicked and did all the wrong things. Please help me.
Caitlyn Roderick
July 29, 2019 at 9:49 pm
Hey Chris-
So my boyfriend broke up/took a break with me 3 weeks ago, and then left for naval training for a month. He kept conflicting between us being broken up for good and is going on a break during this inperson chat. Immediately after the incident, we did not speak to one another for 3 weeks. I finally sent a message wishing him the best of luck and apologizing for my emotional behavior during the “break up,” (and I genuinely meant it, because it was messy, but not hurtful!) I sent this with the intent he either wouldn’t answer or would reply with the minimum, and was ok with that. He sent back a very long message addressing he was sorry, and that I had no reason to be sorry, and that he loved my new haircut, and even said he was willing to talk about anything. We now have a phone call coming up this week… and I am afraid to ask if we are really broke up or on a break. He was not clear with me when it happened, and a few of his family/friends have reached out to me (I did not contact them first) and told me conflicting answers from his side. We have been together 3 years. I just don’t know how to address this situation of talking about our relationship so soon, but I still want him back. Also, his reason for breaking up with me, was that he was afraid of waking up in 30 years and realizing that we weren’t working, and that he didn’t know if I was “the one” anymore.
Leni
July 28, 2019 at 2:07 pm
Hi Chris.
My ex is still friends with my brother and mutual friends.
The breakup was 2 years ago and a few weeks ago i heard that he has a new girlfriend. Up until this moment i still believed and had hopes that we would get back together. That’s why i tolerated it that my brother is still seeing and talking to him regularly because of a shared Hobby even though it hurts me that he is still somehow in my life but not with me.
I really want to get over him now. I really dont want to feel hurt and sad anymore.
Is it the wrong way to get over him by wanting my ex Out of my Life and Out of my family? Is it the wrong way If my brother stopps seeing him for now at least? Is this not accepting the breakup and should i just handle this fact?
If they keep spending time together it makes me Kind of angry and jealous. I am not proud of that but i really want to Change my situation.
Best wishes
Leni
Runi
July 27, 2019 at 9:03 pm
I know this site is about getting ex back ..but..
I admire and respect you Chris as a relationship expert..ur insight and knowledge is remarkable. Pls give me your advice on this:
I like a guy. He says upfront that he just want hookup ,nothing serious. But i want a steady relationship. Cn a hook up person turn into relationship person ?? Is it possible ?
Chris Seiter
July 27, 2019 at 9:49 pm
Hi Runi….usually a hook up won’t lead you down the path you want to go if that is all he is interested in at this point
Kirsten Haddox
July 24, 2019 at 5:31 pm
Hi Chris!
I was in a very healthy and happy relationship with my ex for a year and a month, and we were close friends for two. We treated each other very well and had an amazing first year of college together (both 19 years old). However, he gets so stressed out and practically shuts down when overwhelmed by classes or the stress his parents put on him. I am always there in a heartbeat to make him feel better at school, but at home with our busy schedules, it was different. His stress got to the best of him, and two weeks ago we went on a walk where he told me I didn’t deserve the lack of attention he was giving me in the past few weeks and he does not see himself having time for a relationship in the fall. He said he really wants us to stay friends, but we need to give it time before talking first. I begged and cried in person that day and sent him 4 texts afterward begging for a break, which he never replied to. I hopped on the internet for research on what to do and instantly saw the no contact strategy (thank you!) I sent one more text that day and told him to disregard my messages, and we have not contacted each other since. Should I implement the no contact rule until he reaches out? Time is of the essence for us since we will be back to school in one month.
Chris Seiter
July 24, 2019 at 10:37 pm
Hi Kristen…be sure to implement No Contact in the way I teach it in my Program – Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro Bundle….or in my eBook “The No Contact Rule Book”. You need to identify a NC period…usually about a month or so, then follow the process as I describe. There is a lot more to it than meets the eye.
Biba
July 20, 2019 at 5:56 am
We were talking for 2 months after the break up then NC for 30 days, but at the end of the NC I did something that he hates so for a result – he erased me from all his social media and he also has a new girl.
How do I get out of this situation?
Rebecca
July 18, 2019 at 4:50 pm
Hi. I just went through thirty days of no contact after a 2.5 year relationship with my ex but I’m afraid that I might be doing issue number 2 on this list. We broke up mostly because of me being too clingy and controlling. I texted him after 30 days to tell him a nice story about the dog we shared during our relationship. The next day I texted him to see if he wanted to hang out with the dog and me, but then I got nervous that this was too much too soon so I said he should just have the dog stay at his house a couple of nights. He did that and we FaceTimed so I could see the dog on both nights when he had the dog. Then I picked the dog up and yesterday tried to call him again. He said that it was “tough” and “weird” to go from not talking for a month to talking almost every day for a week. And then he said that he would text me next week to see me and the dog. I don’t know, I think I might have gotten too ahead of myself.
Nina
July 15, 2019 at 11:18 am
Hey Chris,
We broke almost 3 months ago and continued talking for first two months. I thought we were going somewhere cuz he was acting hot and cold on daily. Then he just left me on read on what i reacted and aftet that i read 3 of his messages that same night and never responded. Its been almost 30 days and he hasn’t ever contacted me. I posted a lot of photos on instagram story and he liked one i posted on the timeline. We were in a long distance relationship and that was the key factor. Last night i partyed and hooked up with a guy and my friend recorded that live on instagram and he saw it. Couple minutes later he changed his profile pic to the one with a girl and unfollowed me on instagram. I realised it was girl from his college and i asked him about her once. I bet he thinks i hooked up with a guy on purpose but i didnt want him to see it and make him angry i know he put the picture up just so i could see it, but why would he get so angry at me cuz he was the that broke up and obviously the one in a new relationship…. i really love him, did i ruin my chances??? Can he go from hating me to loving me again?? Should do more than 30 days of nc? Thank you
Chris Seiter
July 15, 2019 at 3:12 pm
Hi Nina…I think a month or so of No Contact is about the right range. Be sure to take a look at picking up my comprehensive Program Bundle, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro Relationship Bundle” as it can help you along the way.