How To Get A Long Distance Relationship Ex Boyfriend Back

5,236 thoughts on “The Complete Guide To Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back In A Long Distance Relationship”

TC

March 2, 2017 at 1:24 am

Hi
My boyfriend broke up with my at the weekend, we’ve been in an LDR for about 7-8 months, originally he was overseas and we would fly and see each other, but now he is in the country but about 300 miles away. The last time I saw him was mid January. He was supposed to be home this weekend but it got cancelled. There have been a few things like weddings etc that I’ve invited him to that he hasnt been able to attend and he has felt really bad about.
We are in and LDR as he is in the army and has been working extremely long hours, inc day/night shifts, pretty much everyday since he went away after xmas.
Since he left I didn’t want to bother him too much with him being so busy so I wasnt staying in contact as much as I should. Further to that I was missing him and had stress at home that I didnt want to burden him so I was extremely crankly at towards him when we did speak.
On Saturday he broke up with me saying he isn’t really ready for commitment due to his work at the minute and that he just doesnt have the time and he will only keep letting me down and disappointing me. He also said how the breakup isn’t my fault and that he thinks its better that he walks away now before he ends up hurting me. He ended the conversation saying that it is almost certain his next posting will be further away in the country and that he feels it is unfair for him to ask me to make sacrifices for him and the relationship.
Although I do feel disappointed today, I’m over the shock.
I think the fact I wasnt affectionate enough was the reason he ended it, in the two or weeks leading up to this weekend he was so much more affectionate over texts than usual almost trying to over compensate and I was pulling away. The last conversation we had before the breakup he was being sweet and I was again being a little snappy and difficult. I think this is what ended the relationship and he has used the distance as some logical reasoning to spare my feelings. I think perhaps he also feels a little guilty about being away and missing events.
I’ve given it some thought and tried to be constructive and make a plan, I am prepared to try and sort my snappiness and I have made enquiries at work and they are happy for me to spend time at an office fairly close to where he is posted (Within 20 miles) this means that if I did get my ex back I could still see him regulaerly in the short/medium term and it wouldnt cost anything as my employer would pay travel, hotels, expenses etc. Longer term we have offices all over the country so wherever he goes, I could in theory move and still keep my job if things became much more serious between us.

I have three simple questions…
Does it seem more likely that it was me or the distance that caused the breakup as I’m not sure which I should focus on more with him?
How do I demonstrate to him that I can be affectionate and not snappy when he is ignoring me?
How do I indicate that I have the option to overcome the distance? – i was thinking to do some facebook checkin’s at that office or maybe a town within 30-45mins away maybe once or twice over the next month or two to make him wonder why I am there?

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 2, 2017 at 11:29 pm

Hi Tc,

For me it’s more likely the distance. Tell him you have a solution first, if he still doesn’t want to go back with you, try the no contact rule.

Overthinking

February 27, 2017 at 11:58 pm

Well it’s been a fair few months since I commented on here.
It has not gone well, I have followed the rules, even had him agree to meet up with me last year, which he pulled out of when I got to his city, no matter, I hung out with other friends and we all posted our fun on social media.
I have tried to keep up with contact with him, some days he was great, others not so much.
Now less then 8 mths in to his new relationship he just got engaged to her, so it is time for me to let it be.
Most of the people whom know him think he is crazy for his actions, but this is him acting out on his ex wife leaving him.
As one of my friends (psychologist) pointed out to me, this is the whole reason behind him quitting on me, I just wasn’t near enough, and that I should feel “lucky” as the new girl is just a second choice, she was just there, convenient.
He following the same pattern he did with his first wife, and that she holds no great hope for this union, and she was happy that I wasn’t living closer to him, or I’d be in the situation now and leading to a bigger heartache.
So for now I am done with him.
I have new guys that have come into my life in the last few months and no, it is slow pace from now on, my life is on track, my studying is going great, and maybe moving countries in the near future.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 28, 2017 at 6:51 pm

Hi Overthinking,

That’s good that you chose to move on instead of chasing him..

Nadia

February 27, 2017 at 6:33 pm

So, we met in late November, in Paris, where I was for 4 weeks. Before I went back to the US, we had an amazing night and decided to continue long-distance until I come back in March for 5 weeks. Everything was going well, until late January when we had a fight. He went silent for a week, I apologized for giving him a hard time for missing our Skype call and not even apologizing. He referred to “couple pressure” and I then told him in the same email that we weren’t yet a couple and I that just wanted to get to know him better. He went silent again and after a week I wrote to him apologizing again and telling him that I missed him and didn’t want to give up on this “relationship”. He replied right away that he didn’t want to lose me either but that he he couldn’t believe what I’d written and that even though he’d been sad, he didn’t want a long-distance relationship. However, he finished his email by saying that he didn’t want to lose me even if it was long-distance and that he wanted to continue exchanging emails and texts until he saw me. After that, he wanted to Skype, but I said I would be busy that evening. He still texted me that evening saying he was ready to talk, but I said that I’d already told him that I wouldn’t be available. We tentatively agreed to talk the next day, but he didn’t call and I didn’t wait for him. He emailed me saying that he was really sick and that he hoped I wasn’t angry with him and that he was hoping to feel better and talk that evening if I was available. I replied that I wasn’t angry at all, but didn’t mention a call. He went silent again for a week and then texted that he had no valid excuses for his silence and but just wanted us to meet face-to-face and in real life in March to “perhaps relaunch this machine” and that he hoped I’d understand. I replied by saying that I understood and that I was thanking him for the great time we spent in Paris together, for all the sweet words that he’d said to me and for all of our interesting conversations. I said “let’s turn the page and stay friends”. Then he replied that he would have loved to have a girlfriend like me in Paris and that we were too far from each other to have a love relationship but not too far to have a friendship. He said “it was hard to make this decision knowing that I was risking losing your friendship also, but I forgot for a second that you were a brilliant, tolerant and open-minded girl. I hope that we continue to see each other and discuss everything when you are in Paris. I really hope to see you again in Paris even if it’s just to improve your French.” Following that he emailed me “I adore you” and when I replied jokingly “I believe you, dear friend, but could you say that to me one more time in real life in March around coffee” he said “With great pleasure. I’m still thinking of you. Don’t believe it’s over in making this decision, but I truly hope that we stay close even if the distance separates us.” He was in Tel Aviv at the moment and sent me a nice pic of the beach saying “It looks like it’s snowing at your place. In Tel Aviv it’s really nice”. I waited a week, then emailed him a really cool old short film (he’s in the industry) and he replied right away saying “I believe that we have synchronized neurons (if not hearts). I was going to send you this article and voila, I find a really great short film that I’ve never seen before. Thank you for this pearl.” And the title of this scientific article was “Why do so many women regret one night stands”. I replied to him saying “Our neurons (and hearts) must really be synchronized. Just last week I read another article about how oxytocin induces the feeling of attachment in women and that’s why many women have a hard time dealing with one night stands. It’s like a mini break up.” It’s been a week and no word from him. He knows that I’m coming next week and I want to email him this “I was just thinking about the last time we had a drink together. It was at the Tokyo Palace. I would love to see you again. This Friday I’m having Sabbath dinner at a friend’s house, but let me know when you’re ready to go out for a drink or even to the movies.” I haven’t stopped crying since the breakup and I fear that he’s already moved on. However, given the positive communication, I’m hoping that he meets with me. I want to let him know when we are face-to-face that I made a mistake in saying that I wanted to turn the page and that I want to try to make it work with him and can commit to spending every other month in Paris. I hope that it’s not too late because I really like him and didn’t we have a strong intellectual connection. Basically, this happened because throughout our communications I made myself “too unavailable” and acted too cold and distant and that’s why this happened. I was also really upset following his silence and reading his suggestion to “relaunch the machine” when we finally meet face-to-face I thought that he wasn’t really into me anymore, so I broke ended this first. Now, I’m devastated.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 27, 2017 at 8:43 pm

Hi Nadia,

let’s see what happens after the meet up first. If it doesn’t go well, try doing the no contact rule.

LL

February 27, 2017 at 2:03 pm

Hey,

A week ago I made a comment, I can’t find it anymore now, but I’m still in Nc as you said. He did wish me a happy birthday and was being polite in his way I think. I only answered thank you.

I kind of feel like he is not going to be changing his mind since we have a distance between each other and he is in university doing a master. When we broke up he also told me it wouldn’t be the time for us now , so bad timing and that the study asked more of him than he thought it would. I have the feeling that he’s doing quite fine right now and not missing me at all , kind of an out of sight out of mind situation. He also felt like he couldn’t connect the right way and I couldnt there when special things would be going on in his life..

Should I just try to let go of it all, let him be free. I guess it’s still in my head and I need some more insights

xx

LL

March 2, 2017 at 2:11 pm

Thank you for your reply.

I decided to give up. He told me we don’t fit in each others lives anymore.
I feel like I can’t do nothing about this but to surrender.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 3, 2017 at 12:08 am

Ok, you’re welcome.
LL

February 27, 2017 at 8:37 pm

It would take too long, if I would wait with moving until he’s in his own country I mean..
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 28, 2017 at 6:15 pm

you mean after a year he’s going back to his country right? That means after a year you could go there? But correct me if I’m wrong, he thinks after that you would have a hard time finding a home and a job? For me, one year is enough to know the companies there, the probably positions and to list them. And then apply maybe a month before the probably move because if you have the money, (which you can save up for a whole year), it would be easier to find a rental place..
LL

February 27, 2017 at 8:34 pm

Thank you, I’ve read the article. I did have ideas of moving to his country, but right now he’s in a different one for only a year, it’s to short of a period to find a job + house there. Which he said would take too long.. And he didn’t seem to be able to see how we would do that , while I’m actually thinking a lot easier about it , to me everything is possible. But he sees trouble in everything as it seemed…
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 27, 2017 at 7:48 pm

check this one:
What It Takes To Make A Long Distance Relationship Work

Abbs

February 24, 2017 at 3:15 pm

UPDATE! Okay, so I’m in a LDR with my EX/ now BF. I had previously been writing about my process in different posts but can’t find them. Anyways, I think things are going good. I think we are back together? I did the NC, he replied and here we are now. Just recently he called me his girlfriend. He said, “Can’t I ask my girlfriend for advice?” I didn’t say anything about it. We have been calling each other everyday and communicating like before, but why does it feel different? I feel like I’m kind of mad at him for doing this to us, but then I’m really happy. He is usually sweet but then I feel like he’s distant. We haven’t talked about anything officially but I guess we are grown ass people and know how we feel. The labels are there. I know it’s stupid to be obsessing over his social media but he changed his facebook profile picture and has been adding LOTS of girls on facebook and instagram. I asked him if he has been talking to girls and he just said, “Why do you keep asking me that?” It’s the 2nd time I asked him! -.- Bleh! So I told him it was scary to feel so comfortable again and he got upset because he said he hadn’t thought about this anymore. He said that he gets a rush of emotions and hates it, so we didn’t talk for the rest of the day. Whatever! Ugh, I’m annoyed about this whole process. I’m happy that we are back together and trying things out, but why does it feel different? I feel like I’m the one that’s mainly trying. Like I said before, he’s sweet but he hasn’t sent me morning messages, or stuff like before. Is he still holding back or what does it mean? Am I expecting too much too soon? I hate the fact that I’m trying and he also had fault in this! Please give me some advice! 🙁 I’ve read the advice in other articles in regards to how to make him miss you, how to make him want you, whatever. Sorry for the coldness, I’m just annoyed. We have a trip to see each other in 2 weeks and a couple of days. HELP!!

Abbs

March 1, 2017 at 8:33 pm

Yes, I told him why I was asking him that. I told him that It felt good and scary that I was able to trust him again, but I think I might be playing myself. I trust him, but still have these ugly feelings. He’s been adding so many girls on his social media and even girls that have caused problems for us. What should I do? Should I be worried? I’ve tried to read anything to help me be better about this, because I know it should be okay for them to have girl friends, but damnit! This is such an ugly feeling that I don’t even know what to think or feel. Bleh! Our trip is coming up so fast and I think I’m starting to regret it. Of course, I sent him a message asking him if he felt good about adding all those girls. He’ responded playing dumb so I haven’t even bothered messaging him back . Amor, what advice to you have for me? Please tell me something that can help take this emptiness feeling away! 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 2, 2017 at 4:44 pm

don’t be confronting. First, you look like you’re stalking his moves. Second, that pushes him away. If you’re still angry. Take your time, don’t initiate.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2017 at 4:03 pm

did you tell him why you’re asking him that? Talk to him about what you feel when you’re together in person and the solutions for it.

J

February 24, 2017 at 2:23 am

If theres no chance i will figure out a way to get a chance. I know i sound super crazy for wanting someone back so badly but i am so so so regretful. I ruined it all. I just dont know if i should message him asking if he will reconsider again over time or not?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2017 at 2:39 pm

Honestly, I think you should do what you think you want to do, as long as it’s not dangerous because that’s the only way that you will hear or see what he really thinks about.

J

February 23, 2017 at 3:48 pm

Is it too late now to do NC even though ik it wont work? 1 year of no talk….

I tried talking to him but he didnt seem interested and itd be like one word responses. I see him liking abuncha girls stuff like girls he knows i hate and he knows those girls are obsessed with him. It could be because hes desperate since hes in the military but idk why i feel like this. Trust me 9 months from now id still want a chance. I cannot move on no matter how hard i try its been almost 7 months since we broke up. I lost every chance i can with him.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 23, 2017 at 9:42 pm

If there’s no chance, what are you going to do?

NKD

February 22, 2017 at 12:57 pm

Hi,
I sent my first contact text after 34 days of no contact last week. I got an immediate positive response. Then I ended the conversation as instructed in the ex boyfriend recovery pro book. He replied again but I didn’t respond any further.
I waited 3 days before sending another message and again I got an immediate positive reply. We were texting back and forth but then his internet cut out (he works on board a cruise ship and so the internet is temperamental when they’re at sea, no phone service, so messages are via whatsapp) and he didn’t reply again until 2 hours later. I replied and when he replied it was 2am where I am, so I was asleep and obviously didn’t reply (there’s an 8 hour time difference between us currently). I’m counting this as an abrupt end to the conversation.
However, because I have essentially ignored my ex twice now, I think he is annoyed because when I reached out to him (almost 16hrs since he replied), he read my message but hasn’t replied.
It’s been 2 days since I sent that message, I know he’s been on whatsapp and been updating his social media, so he is definitely ignoring/not responding on purpose, which shows he is bothered by my ignoring him. However, I’m unsure how to continue. What should my next move be? What kind of message should I send? How long should I wait before sending it?

NKD

February 24, 2017 at 4:00 pm

Thank you for your reply and advice.

I know that rapport building isn’t just my sendings text, getting a positive reply and ending the conversation on a high.

We are unable to have a real time conversation because of the time difference being so big. It’s due to increase to 13hours but then it will get smaller as his ships sails closer to my country. So as long as delayed replying is acceptable, I should be fine. I am always keeping the tone of the conversations happy and high.

My aim with all this, is hopefully to get him to meet me when he ports in England in May. So I have time and will remain positive that this will work for me.

Thanks again
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2017 at 4:07 pm

You’re welcome!
NKD

February 24, 2017 at 12:00 am

Okay so i sent the message continuing on from the last message as i said and my ex replied positively as soon as he read it. It was a long reply, in the form of 3 consecutive messages. So I’m relieved and happy about that.

However, that means that I am supposed to move on to rapport building because i’ve sent three early contact messages now. This is where my dilemma/question lies…I’m supposed to try to have a flowing conversation with him and end the conversation at a high point.

But we are in a LDR and due to the time difference between us (now he is 9hrs behind and working on board a cruise ship), this is pretty much impossible. For example, I send a message at lunchtime my time, he doesn’t read the message until 3 hours later and then has to start work. So i reply but he will most likely not reply again until he has a break or after his shift ends, where i’ll most likely be asleep.

I can see the rapport building being much slower than that with couples in the same time zone but I feel the ending of the conversation at a high point is impossible because we don’t have the luxury of having a flowing conversation. I’ve read both the ex boyfriend recovery pro and the texting bible hoping for advice on what to specifically do in a LDR but it doesn’t address this issue.

So what should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2017 at 2:13 pm

yes, it’s going to be longer than usual but rapport building is not just one good message with you the one ending it. It’s the overall process of starting with texts, and then calls and then meet ups. So, at first, the texts would really be shorter but as much as possible be the one to end it. It’s ok that you’re the one initiating, as long as you’re the one ending it too.. If the time difference is big, make your texts positive always, that way it’s like you’re ending it at high point if he doesn’t reply.
NKD

February 23, 2017 at 2:12 am

Thank you for your reply.

It’s definitely not because of the time difference or Internet because he’s been active on social media and whatsapp since.

I’m going to send another message tomorrow as it will have been 3 days of no reply from him.

But should I send a first contact type message again or can I send a message relating to the previous message?

PS I think I couldn’t see my message because it was being moderated. As obviously I can see it now.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 23, 2017 at 8:12 pm

hmm.. it’s supposed to show the comment is awaiting moderation. Well, if the previous can be continued, you can still use it. But if it’s awkward to do that, just start with a new one.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 22, 2017 at 11:41 pm

Hi NKD,

maybe it’s just the time difference and their internet.. but if he didn’t reply, wait 3-5 days and try again.

J

February 21, 2017 at 1:49 pm

Ok i messaged him again today idk why i saw him update his social media and everything and all the feels came back and hes like u havent been following the no talking tbh. I asked if he wanted to talk he said he said he sees no harm but sees no good. All i did was make a joke and asked how his break was. I guess i made another mistake right talking to him? But i feel NC wont work anymore its way too late cause he knows why i wont be talking to him HELP ME idk why this is so hard I WANT A CHANCE W HIM WHEN HES BACK. Sorry i keep messing up its so hard. What should I do just not talk ???

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2017 at 11:42 pm

if you think nc won’t work, that’s ok.. that means you want to talk right? then try..

Joy

February 20, 2017 at 11:00 pm

Hi! I bought the Ex boyfriend recovery pro book and I’ve read it but I’m still confused. My ex is totally different and our relationship is so different. How do I put it? My relationship with my ex is a secret only a few people know. The reason? I was his manager. So why still a secret? Because we worked for my cousin and he did not allow that. This is in the Philippines. To my family I can’t date anyone below management level, which I think is wrong. We aren’t even suppose to be friends. But anyway it happened and we saw each other everyday then I had to leave and come back Canada so we were in a LDR. Everything was ok till the pass Jan 22nd he broke up with me. Dated for little over a year. He said he wanted space and that he couldn’t breathe everytime I accused him of things. We were fine just days before on the 18th. So it was so sudden. Anyway, I did the NC and only broke it for the emergency that I asked about remember the fire? Then on the 21st day of my NC he messaged me to help him with something personal and I did. Since then I messaged him a few times trying to follow the book but it’s so hard cause he responds but mostly one word but he has always been like that. It’s hard to find topics cause when we talked before it was mostly about us missing each other and stuff like that but I can’t talk about that now. He did send me a picture of himself which made me think. Valentines day he sent me a message but it was one of those that others were sending around to everyone. Dont know what to think of that. He likes almost all my post on facebook what does that mean? He didn’t before. I think he has a new girl too but he said he doesn’t. I really don’t know what to do or say. I just really miss him and I’m so scared now. Even writing this I’m confused. Hope you understand what I’m saying. Please help. Thank you!

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2017 at 8:47 pm

Hi Joy,

Are you still actively improving yourself? Because you can talk about stuff you newly did during nc, what happened with him recently, the stuff you used to talk about other than missing each other like activities, things, movies, friends, style, food..

Miss_me

February 19, 2017 at 11:34 am

I can’t view my comment. I’m wondering if anyone else is having this problem as well.

NKD

February 22, 2017 at 9:59 pm

I have had the same problem. I submitted a comment and it isn’t posted on here. As in it was submitted but I can’t see it. It should be at the top but the same comment that was there when I submitted mine is still on top. Should I resubmit it?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 23, 2017 at 1:22 am

Hi Nkd,

did you mean you saw it as awaiting moderation and then it disappeared or you didn’t see the comment at all after you submitted it?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2017 at 4:29 pm

Hi Miss me,

does it disappear as in you cant see it or it’s there but it says awaiting moderation?

the more you do nc, the less it can help you, but since it was only 11 days long, it might still help you to do 30 days and you have to check the link below:
Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)

Miss_me

February 18, 2017 at 10:28 pm

Was wondering if anyone has answered my question yet <3

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2017 at 4:29 pm

Hi Miss me,

does it disappear as in you cant see it or it’s there but it says awaiting moderation?

the more you do nc, the less it can help you, but since it was only 11 days long, it might still help you to do 30 days and you have to check the link below:
Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)

Miss_me

February 18, 2017 at 9:29 am

I can’t view my comment from earlier

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2017 at 4:28 pm

Hi Miss me,

does it disappear as in you cant see it or it’s there but it says awaiting moderation?

the more you do nc, the less it can help you, but since it was only 11 days long, it might still help you to do 30 days and you have to check the link below:
Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)

Miss_me

February 18, 2017 at 6:53 am

Hey, I have a very simple question.
Me and my guy have had many breaks before and he always ended up coming back after me ignoring him for weeks. I applied the no contact rule without knowing it’s a thing in the past. I always figured men want what they can’t have. And it always worked!!!!! I would always disappear and block him everywhere. Then after a certain amount of time I would unblock him and he would contact me IMMEDIATELY. The longest we’ve gone so far is 11 days.

This time I cheated on him and told him about it. He was very angry and disappeared on me as opposed to the other way around like the last times. Blocked my number everywhere. I told him I didn’t want him to go and he said “I’ll be back, don’t worry”. What does he even mean by this? One minute he was saying “forget me” then the next minute he was saying “I’ll come back. Until then bye” ????? It makes no sense why he would want to give us up when he had proposed to me 2 nights ago!!! I know I cheated, but people make mistakes??

My question is: how do I apply the no contact rule here? It seems like we’ve done it so many times that it feels different this time and he might not come back regardless of me applying this rule. He has vanished completely. It has been 5 days. Yesterday someone contacted me with a private number. I didn’t pick up. It could’ve been him.
For the sake of argument, let’s say I apply this rule again and the 30 days age over. What if I’m still blocked everywhere? How do I reach him? Or do I wait for him still? I’m confused, please help

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2017 at 4:28 pm

Hi Miss me,

does it disappear as in you cant see it or it’s there but it says awaiting moderation?

the more you do nc, the less it can help you, but since it was only 11 days long, it might still help you to do 30 days and you have to check the link below:
Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)

Devastated

February 18, 2017 at 6:32 am

Hi, I wrote my situation About a month ago. As I put in short, we broke up in the mid December. I chased him several times during January and then kept no contact rule for about 2 weeks. After that, he got into gradschool, which was a good news to him so we started talking and it got little intense that I told him that I would want him to reconsider our relationship back on track again. He said he’s been feeling freedom after we broke up and he’s trying to make himself busy and distracted that makes him no longer think about anything related to relationship. But he said he’ll also think deeply into it and reply me back. It’s been about a week since then. Do you think there’s still a chance for me to try out advice above and get him back…?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2017 at 3:30 pm

Hi Devastated,

you mean restarting the no contact rule? I think, yes there’s a chance but do at least 45 days, be very active in improving yourself during and after nc and don’t ask right ahead if you could get back together.. It’s good that you tried two weeks, but its4 too short and asking to be back together right away is still chasing..

Kristi

February 18, 2017 at 1:57 am

My ex boyfriend and I met online. We have had our fair share of ups and downs but have always had this undeniable connection when we are together. Our relationship has been semi long distance. Prior to breaking up he said that he just doesn’t think he is cut out for a long distance relationship. He said that he wants to have his girlfriend with him everyday. I reassured him that the distance was only temporary but he couldn’t see past what was in the now. When we broke up he claimed he just wasn’t happy anymore and that he needed to better himself. I hadn’t found this site when we broke up because obviously I would have followed the no contact rule. Three days after the break up he would text me randomly. It’s been two weeks since the break up and we have spoken, facetimed, and texted sporadically and each time like nothing has changed between us. I recently found out that he had a girl who he claims is just a friend over and I flipped out. Is it too late for me to start the no contact rule and possibly win him back??

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2017 at 10:53 am

Hi Kristi,
I don’t think it’s too late but other than moving on, that’s your only option..

J

February 17, 2017 at 2:36 pm

So hes finally on vaca for a week, i asked for closure and he said he is not giving me a second chance and is certain and says he prefers not too. He said its been good with us not talking cause there is nothing to tire him out. So now i tire him out??? Its like he doesn’t even want to consider I changed or about the future?? What do i do now??? Omg hes so set on no second chance its all i want thats the closure i want. I want to go on a date w him and just see how it feels a 1 year from now.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 17, 2017 at 8:54 pm

You have to give that closure to yourself because that’s his closure for you already. He just really wants you to move on. He’s tired of all the chasing you’re doing. I know it hurts, but he’s actually helping you by saying that because if cutting hope is what would make you change, then stop hoping.

Ali

February 15, 2017 at 10:51 pm

So, I’m an 18 year old Norwegian girl who’s been dating a Japanese (in a month) 23 year old for almost eight months. Due to cultural differences and how special our relationship was, I feel like a ton of these advice wouldn’t actually help in my situation. He broke up with me quite accurately 50 hours ago, and to me it was incredibly sudden. He’s a hard working medical student, and due to the 8 hour time difference, it’s hard to stay in touch a lot, and honestly, we both preferred not talking every single day. We could casually send a single message without engaging in conversation, but we’ve usually been calling once every week, and it was the perfect mixture for me: enough to not start missing him too much, and not so often I’d be kept reminded of how I miss him all the time either. Because of that among other things, I don’t think the “no contact” rule would have much effect. He’s also a very rational person, and Japanese people are in general not very “flashy” about their emotions. I don’t think I’d piss him off if I ignored his messages, I think he’d just say “well then screw it” and get annoyed if I then suddenly started to engage in contact.
The breakup itself came out of clear skies to me, and it’s taken it’s toll on my health. He messaged me requesting to talk to me after we hadn’t been able to talk for two weeks because he had exams, telling me he still loved me, but not deeply enough so that he felt that the pain of the distance was worth it. And he seemed really determined that the would never fall in love with me again, which is the most concerning to me, because when we’ve discussed the potential future of our relationship in the past, he said he’d might break up with me because of the distance, but that he could very well fall for me when I move to Japan in a year. During the breakup, he brushed that thought off so hard, he even told me he never wanted to see me again in fear of that we’d do “something we would regret”, like kissing or having sex. But he wanted to stay friends, saying he wished we could talk the way we used to do when we got to know each other, since that for his part was just a friendly feeling of joy, with no romantic feelings attached quite yet. He eventually took back what he said about never meeting up, saying we could meet if we had the chance sometime.
Because of cultural differences and also personal ones, mixed with the fact that we rarely see each other, has lead us to fight every time we met in person. However, we always calm down and get used to each other during the stay, so I feel like the reason for our fights is pretty much us not being accustomed to each other anymore, in a sense. We have also fought online sometimes, and he gets really emotional during fights, and sometimes he’s said he wanted to break up with me, without actually meaning it. However, this time he was completely calm and thought through, so it wasn’t irrational or out of place.
Because our distance was so grave and we both knew we wouldn’t be able to live even remotely close to each other within years (he’s tied to a deal with the government to stay in a different part of Japan from which I am going to), for it to work, we had to be quite serious. I’m not the kind of person who’d be screaming about marriage and stuff at the age of 18 after dating for just months, but in our situation, being that we’d have to be in a LDR for at least three years, most likely more, us getting married was in fact the most realistic future, and we did speak about it from time to time. Not planning weddings and such, but just talking about how we really hoped we could share that future. I would occasionally send him videos of puppies and children (as he loves dogs more than anything) and joke about it being our future home, and he would agree, and send me cute puppy videos as well. Because of that extreme contrast, I am completely devastated right now. To me, I’ve just lost the love of my life whom I had envisioned my entire future with, and it all happened within the blink of an eye. In a mere 20 minutes.
During the breakup, he seemed calm and loving, in an odd sense. Like he did care. Because it was so sudden to me, I kind of needed a moment to collect my thoughts, so I didn’t really reply to anything of what he said during the phone call, but I sent him a document later that night (for me) to address the things he’d said during the conversation. He seemed upset that I had stayed up all night and told me I was harming myself (I’m a past self harmer, but I have NEVER done it during our relationship, however, he’s dated an emotionally ill girl before and I think that because of that, he is very cautious about me, telling me whenever bad things happen to me that I shouldn’t harm myself, which is kind of doing the opposite of his purpose, and I have tried to tell him before but he keeps reminding me, which always makes me feel horrible). I got a bit annoyed that he seemed to blame me for being unable to sleep, so I replied “jeez, don’t blame me for being unable to sleep please”. After that, he seemed to get a little bit steamy, though I tried to stay composed and as little emotional as possible, and I’m quite sure I did a pretty good job, the annoyed message I described was probably the “worst” thing I wrote. The conversation kind of ended with him being angry at me for telling him I wanted him to tell me this kind of thing with his words, as he had been using words that he would never say on his own to me during the breakup. He’s a highly rational person, and he was talking about stuff like “destiny” and “true love”. He told me he had done it for my sake, for me to not blame myself, and seemed pretty upset when he said “but it seems like it backfired”. I told him that I value honesty more and wish he would stay true to himself, though I of course wouldn’t want him to tell me “fuck off you bitch” or something like that. And then he told me that was one of the things that he really didn’t like about me, because I had told him in the past to be gentle with his words, because he’s been way too blunt with his words in the past at times. So I just apologised and said I appreciated the effort (of him trying to make me not blame myself). And he didn’t reply.
At this point I’m not sure what to expect or how to approach this. I already decided I would not be the first one to send a message after this, cause I don’t want to be a clingy ex, and I already told him that in my document, since he had told me he wanted us to stay friends. But from our conversation afterwards, I’m kind of scared he might not contact me after all.
He also seemed kind of done with me, which might’ve been what hurt the most. After he explained himself a little, and before he seemed to get actually mad, he finished off by saying “Thanks a lot! I sincerely hope you will move on soon”.
He never consulted me about feeling like things wasn’t working out before. It might’ve been because he didn’t want to stress me out about it for a longer period of time, and he told me he said it so bluntly because there was nothing for me to fix anyways.

I might just be desperate, but I don’t know… I feel like he’s decided he doesn’t want to fall in love with me again, and is cutting me off because of the pain of the LDR. I’m content with waiting until I live there, but if I don’t get any signs of hope until that point, I feel like this is gonna eat me up from the inside. I’m already having so much struggles sleeping and eating, and for someone who requires a lot of sleep and don’t typically have sleepless nights, it’s rather exhausting…
Sorry if this text was messy. How should I go about it? Ignoring texts is a no-no in my situation, but I can avoid contacting him. But I definitely will have to do something more than -just- not contacting him, I feel like he might just start ignoring me too in that case, judging from what kind of personality he has.
Thanks a lot in advance

Ali

February 16, 2017 at 6:50 pm

I did post a comment, but my wifi failed me when I was posting it, so I don’t know whether it got through or not… I didn’t copy/paste, so this is a slightly different message.
I feel like we have what it takes to manage a long distance relationship. The only thing that was missing, was that his feelings weren’t that intense anymore. He still loved me. So I need to make his feelings more intense somehow. Also, he’s definitely gone the extra mile for me in this relationship. The first three months of us dating, he was an exchange student in Malta and Dublin. When he got back to Japan, everyone expected him to break up with me, but he didn’t. My impression of Japanese and relationships, is that they’re a lot of the time a lot more practical about it than westerners. But he stayed with me. I don’t think his friends bothered him about it in any way tho, that he stayed and that it was kinda “weird” in a cultural context, and it’s been six months since the time everyone thought he had broken up with me, I don’t think that’s something that affected his decision now.
And it’s not like we couldn’t see each other for years, it’s just that we couldn’t have a non-LDR for years. I’m going to Japan this autumn with a friend, and of course I planned to see him. I also planned to see him when I moved to Tokyo next spring, and as much as we can afford time wise as well (money isn’t the biggest issue when we live in the same country).
Because this is an inter-cultural relationship, and this is a new situation for both of us, I’m really scared and unsure how he will handle it. I feel like if I do the NC, I might just do more harm, both of personal reasons, and of cultural ones. Part of the reason we don’t talk a lot is also that we live quite busy lives, especially him, even though it’s definitely not the #1 reason. If I were to leave him hanging when he was trying to reach out, thus taking his time without giving him anything to go on. I think he would view it as quite disrespectful and immature if I didn’t even tell him why I couldn’t respond, but if I do ignore but respond him that I’m busy all the time, that won’t really work either. It’s also so out of character for me to do a NC rule kind of thing, and not like him to go to any sort of action out of a such thing. I feel like an NC would either make him try to shove his feelings deep into his heart and “accept” that I didn’t want to speak with him for the next month, and when I then reach out, he might’ve settled really hard on the thought. Or, he would get really angry at me for not respecting his restricted time – also because it’s not something I would do normally, I’ve NEVER done anything like this before, and I feel like he will notice it’s so not like me. I’m a super honest person that always wants to see situations from all angles, and try to solve anything. I don’t know what I should tell him if he gets really upset when I suddenly message him, what kind of excuse would I give? Also it’s really not my thing to give excuses or tell lies, so this situation in general is very uncommon for me.
Thank you so much for replying, I appreciate it so much. I really hope I can figure this out somehow, this has completely broken me down. I can’t sleep at night, and the build up of the stress is most likely what has caused me this intense back pain I’ve been experiencing since last morning….
I actually have a psychiatrist, which I unfortunately see way too rarely, but I have an appointment tomorrow. I hope he can help me out a bit as well.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 16, 2017 at 9:36 pm

I think you should check this :
Your Worst Nightmares During The No Contact Rule

and take your time thinking before taking another step..
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 16, 2017 at 5:41 pm

Hi Ali,

the truth is if you don’t have the elements mentioned above on making an ldr work, it won’t. Now, of course he would want to friendzone you because he’s still used to talking to you at time to time. If you want to do that,just be friends, of course you can. But my take is, I’ll assess first if we have the elements and then do nc, for him to miss me but most importantly so I can heal and improve myself before I try to rebuild rapport slowly.

Because it’s human nature that we will miss what’s routine. If you text every week or every two weeks and then suddenly you don’t, he will notice that. If he goes like, I don’t care, then let him be. But for sure he will be curious on why you didn’t answer and then check what he can check, which is social media. If he sees you’re moving on, he’ll miss you more because of that.

If you’re afraid he’ll be angry, take it as a good sign, because that means he cares. Because for me, if he doesn’t get angry, that means he understands you but that doesn’t mean he will not feel regret.
But if there’s no way to make the relationship work, then whatever you do right, it won’t. If you can’t see each other in person for years, that’s a big deal. That’s hard because it won’t feel like a real relationship.

Curious

February 15, 2017 at 12:31 am

Is a “Hello” text from my ex (ON VALENTINES DAY) after 5 days of no contact a good thing? I still should continue no contact right?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2017 at 6:03 pm

Hi Curious,

yes, it’s a good sign and yes, stick to no contact.

Abbs

February 14, 2017 at 7:25 pm

Hi Amor,
I previously wrote about my situation on another post but can’t remember which one. Let me just give you an update. We are obviously in a Long distance relationship. I started talking to him on day 17 of No contact and we’ve continued to talk for almost a month now. I feel like things are going good, but at the same time I still feel scared. I miss him and I love him, but I’m keeping my cool. We’ve talked naughty, we’ve flirted and he’s initiated contact many times. We have talked over the phone and it was such an awesome conversation. He calls me baby and he’s told me he loves me but then hasn’t said it since. We planned a trip for march where we will be meeting since the breakup. He helped plan and was all in. 3 days ago he was freaking out and said that he didn’t stop to think to ask himself if he was ready for it, but still he never said no. I wasn’t forcing it either, I casually brought it up and he said YES! The next day I asked him if he was going to bail and he said no, that he was sorry and just freaked out a bit. Flights and hotel are bought. Anyways, we have a skype date today for valentine’s day and I’m kind of excited about it. My concern is: We haven’t really talked about many serious things about our relationship. The last time I tried to bring it up, he said no serious questions tonight. How do I know when I should talk about it? Some days are great and other days I let the bad thought get to me. I told him I missed him yesterday and he said he missed me too and that it was comforting to talk to me. What does this all mean? We have a trip coming up! Should I not over think or am I just creating an illusion that is not even there? We’re friends and he asked me if It was moving too fast to what we were before and then he said nevermind and we didn’t talk about it anymore. I have been working on myself and feel better about many things I didn’t before. I feel confident and then he just makes me feel weak. He has always been supportive and told me I could do anything. He compliments me, he calls me sweet names and flirts a ton and then I just think way too much and over analyze. Can you please give me some advice? I want to continue to think Positive! I feel like things are going great and then I don’t. Help!
Thanks

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 14, 2017 at 9:57 pm

Hi Abbs,

he felt comfortable talking to you because that’s what he’s used to.. Him asking if it’s moving too fast, means it crossed his mind that you and him are moving too fast now.. So, dont ask any serious matters..that would be better done in person..just keep having fun conversations

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