How To Get A Long Distance Relationship Ex Boyfriend Back

5,236 thoughts on “The Complete Guide To Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back In A Long Distance Relationship”

Beth

November 20, 2015 at 2:34 am

Oh, Dear Chris,

How happy I am that I stumbled across your ever so helpful website; chocked full of in your face-you don’t want to hear this- truth, I’ll enlighten you with my LDR. Gentle readers, ladies and gentlemen, you may begin your boos and hisses now:

We are both married to others {here we go!}. His wife is distant (so he says) my husband is abusive (so I say). We met about a year and a half ago as he was in town for a convention and I answered an ad to where he asked advice for things to do, places to eat, etc. Going into it as just a tour guide, he took me out to lunch on his last day here, we went for a walk, began kissing and the rest is history. He lives 200 miles away.

Through the months, one of us would pull while the other pushed and vise versa. We both felt guilty for our predicament of falling in love but couldn’t stop, so we would split up, then get back together. This went on every 2 months or so on both parts. At one point he wrote me and said that he heard a sermon that bothered him and that he must try harder at his marriage to align better with God. Ok, I get that. So, he wanted to remain friends and business partners (that’s another part of it) He would tell me I was the only one that he was chatting with, etc. About 2 months ago, he ‘accidentally’ sent me a message that was meant for another woman, and low and behold, I didn’t take that too well. . .. . Ahem. . . . anyway, so we worked through it but I still couldn’t deal with it. Any trust I had for him was gone – zilch!

Last week, he said that he needed “alone time”. I am like: Ok, here we go again. . . . sure enough he gave me the old ‘I need to be present in my marriage’ garbage, all the while I was drafting him a dump you sleazeball, lying cheat person letter (not in so many words). So, it was sort of mutual.

Again, he says this time as well, that he still wants to be friends, but that I am a distraction to him trying to do the best thing to “be a man of integrity” (ok, stop laughing everyone), but I miss him. I miss the ‘good morning, sweetheart’ email. I miss the face chat masturbation on his lunch hour, I miss us sharing recipes and business ideas, I miss seeing the ‘tie of the day’ that he is wearing. I know, and have never asked that he leave his wife, and deep down, I know it will not work out with her yet again. They have been married for 35 years and it seems as though it is more of a matter of appearances. They are roommates from what he says, but again, I am only getting his side of the story.

What do you think? I have not called or written now in 5 days. We said our good byes again, but this time seems different. This time it seemed as though he was eager to get rid of me, I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s because he didn’t leave the door ajar like he usually does. He did say “I don’t know what the future brings. . . no one does”, but he always says that.

I fear that the 30 day will be too long and he will find someone else by then, again, his wife is not going to change in the least bit if she hasn’t by now and he is still trolling looking for others. Why would I want him you might ask? Because he is the best one that I have ever had and I am almost 50. This man doesn’t hit me or call me names, he just e-cheats on me. Hey, I’m getting better. lol

Since my husband is Atheist and the lover guy is a Christian (as am I, maybe a bad one at that) I feel that we at least have that much in common that we are both unfulfilled in our marriages, we work so well together and enjoy one anothers’ company that it is almost justifiable in a naive way. Shame on us. But it is, what it is. We still love each other and I wonder if he thinks of me, and if he wanted me back, I would go. How do I either handle it and move on or do you think there is a chance that we will get back together so that I can happily be the 5th wheel in his life. Trust me, for the men I have had, being the 5th wheel is an honor.

Thank you for your input. Sorry this is so long.

Beth
Stephanie

November 18, 2015 at 2:13 am

Hey Chris, my boyfriend of only a month broke up with me last Tuesday because he said he needed time for himself, friends, and family, and the distance was an issue (2.5 hours), and there was too much on his plate to dedicate himself to a child right now. I have an 18 month old daughter. I know you don’t think 2.5 hours is long distance and I didn’t have a problem with the drive and he didn’t seem to either. I asked him the next day if he still loved me and he said not enough to be serious. Does this mean he just doesn’t find me attractive enough to be in a committed relationship? Also, we ended it with goodbye forever but I couldn’t leave it alone so I asked if we could still be friends and he never responded. Do you think that the distance is too far since I have qualities from both lists of positive and negative characteristics or do you think my relationship could be saved? Also, we met on Tinder but talked and saw each other for about a month before we got into a relationship.

Stephanie

November 18, 2015 at 2:22 am

Also, what if during the no contact days, he doesn’t send me any texts or calls, does that mean he has moved on and has forgotten about me? I just feel like I fell for him harder and since he is the one that broke it off, he is gonna get over it faster than I will or that he isn’t going let me back into his life.

Jenny

November 13, 2015 at 7:28 pm

Here’s a curveball for you….my current boyfriend is ldr and I feel him drifting. I want to prevent a breakup. Points about us:
1) knew him in high school.
2) have been friends for 20 yrs
3) never dated each other before
4) he came back to town for an amazing weekend and we clicked and decided to date
5) it’s been 6 weeks
At first we had a couple Skype dates and phone calls and consistent texts. But the last 2 weeks communication has been scarce. Although he works late and I go to bed early. So I’ve backed off, worried I’m smothering him. especially since I dropped the L bomb. But I haven’t brought it up since. It’s also going to be Xmas when I get to see him again. Any advice?
Yorenet

November 12, 2015 at 11:18 pm

Hi Chris.. my (ex) boyfriend and i broke up yesterday.. weve been in a long distance relationship for two months.. last week he came to visit.. his visit went well until the last day when he said something that hurt me which opted me to ignore and be cold to him for almost half a day… when i finally came to confront him about that… he went furios coz all along he thought that it was only in his mind that im cold to him.. he was upset that i didnt tell him about it and has to wait until our last few hours together.. but we were able to talk it through right before he left.. but when hes back to his country he became so upset again. And says he cant move on from what i did to him.. he says that my credibility is broken.. i keep telling him that i love him so much.. but he wont believe me.. he says that if i loved him i shouldnt have done that to him.. ive been selfish and all i think about is what i gain from this relationship..he says he still loves me coz if he didnt he wouldve dumped me right then and there..but last night when we were skyping he was not in the mood to talk and continues on saying that im not ready for a relationship..this has been our first serious fight. . I love him so much but he wouldnt believe me.. he broke up with me and says that we can still be friends and continue to keep in touch if i want.. coz right now he just finds it hard to accept me.. what shall i do?? Pls help me.. im desparate….
Anna

November 12, 2015 at 5:08 pm

Hi Chris! Great website, even if I’m not hopeful about getting back together just reading your site makes me feel stronger! I was in a long distance relationship for only 3 months with someone I used to know back in school, we hit it off straight away after 10 years of not seeing each other and visited each other 3 times in those 3 months. We really had strong feelings for each other. Before properly dating he told me he only wanted to do it if it would go somewhere, so he asked me if I would want to go traveling and working in Asia with him after we graduate. He just came to visit me for a week and on the last day he just woke up and said he couldn’t be with because he was too sad to leave me, crying his eyes out. I didn’t write to him after taking him to the airport, he texted me when he landed a few times but I didn’t reply, the next day he was sending so many messages as I was replying shortly or not at all. Eventually he pushed me to say what I was thinking so I practically begged him back and tried to change his mind. He said for him physical contact is fundamental in a relationship. I don’t want to force him to get back together because I saw how sad he was, but at the same time I feel like he made a mistake! We are both in our final year at university so it’s not a great time. Even if he’s not open to getting back together for the rest of this academic year I really don’t want to miss the opportunity of being happy together traveling/working after we graduate. I’m so sad like this and I feel like it’s a waste of a chance at love. I would really really appreciate your advice!! Thank you so much
Mariah Gilles

November 11, 2015 at 3:48 pm

I need some advice. My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday, after a week of him not talking to me. Last Tuesday, him and I had gotten into an argument about him not talking to me as much as I’d like. I told him that, and I didn’t hear from him until last night. We’ve been together over two years now. Before we hit our two year anniversary, (which was October 4th), back over the summer he told me that him, his younger siblings, and his parents were moving to Florida (I still live in Illinois). He’s still fairly dependent on his parents (he’s almost 20, that’s understandable). Last night, he told me that he wants to focus on important things in his life, like work and school and his family, and I understand all of that. I was trying to keep as calm as possible, and I was asking him questions to understand his side of things. There isn’t another girl in his life, and he doesn’t want another girl. He told me he wanted me to be happy, but I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been with him. He said he wanted me to find someone up here, someone who can be there for me, unlike him. But to me, he’s always been there for me, even despite the distance. I can’t picture myself with anyone else, and he’s really the only one I want. Everything just feels right with him. I’ve initiated no contact, and I don’t plan on talking to him for three weeks. His family is coming back up for Christmas break, and we had planned on me flying down there for spring break. Do you have any idea of how I can get him back? (He’s also stated that he still has immense feelings for me). Will you please help me with this?
Nova

November 10, 2015 at 7:52 pm

Hey Chris, I live in north texas and my (recently) ex boyfriend lives in south texas, I broke up with him because there was alot going on in my life and I needed some space, I WAS WRONG!!!!! I have never missed him so much, i have been crying for days and I cant believe how stupid I was to break up with him. He was my whole world, the best thing that had ever happened to me I have never missed anyone so much. I dont know how to get him back. I have sent him a long text that says how sorry I am, I just sent it like 20 minutes ago and he hasnt replied yet, im scared that he wont, im scared that he will block me and completley ignore me. Ive never been so close to anyone and ive never loved someone so muh, im so scared to lose him. im constantley crying and thinking about him. please help, I want him back so bad and im scared that i will love him forever. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!
Leah

November 10, 2015 at 5:15 pm

Hi Chris, my boyfriend and I are going through a bit of a rough patch. We’ve been together about 5 years and doing long distance for just under a year. We haven’t broken up but I feel like I’m losing him. I have bought the ex-boyfriend recovery pro as think it has some very useful ideas and tips. My question is around the NC rule… although we are long distance, we live together, and he is back pretty much every weekend this month. Can I follow all the other steps and ‘ignore’ the NC rule section as one, we haven’t broken up yet, and two, we live together!! Would an alternative be texting him less frequently whilst he is away? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!
Omich

November 10, 2015 at 1:35 pm

MY boyfriend and I have been in a ldr for over a year now. It’s been hard because his communication isn’t the best so it’s basically been alot of whatsapp messaging and not enough calling or Skype. It’s been an issue and issue and admittedly he has tried to improve in some areas. I used to visit alot because my Schedule allowed but we knock heads and fight over little things alot, mine being distrust and his being more wanting me to be more like the girl next door and not so opinionated I guess, when essentially that’s what attracted him to me. On one visit He found texts in my phone from an ex but it really was just conversations borne out of feeling unwanted because I kept asking for more contact and more attention. I admit it was wrong. It caused a huge breakup and I begged and begged and he was just mean and wouldn’t budge. Eventually I sent him an email tellin him all the ways he failed me and saying I accept his decision and I stopped the incessant messaging etc. I implemented the NC rule and by day two he was finding reasons to message me etc. A week later I sent a message and he just offloaded into how much he missed me and doesn’t know how to trust me but wants us etc and we got back together. That however hasn’t been an easy road. He has no trust at all. Says his pride and self esteem are eroded. Some weeks ago on one of my visits I found messages in his phone and confronted him and he said we weren’t in a good place and he knows it was wrong etc etc but I believe he felt justified somewhat. It’s been hard for us both and I called a break but he’s made the break into a break up saying we should see other people and maybe we will be stronger for it. Of course I did the desperate calling and messaging but when he answers he says he knows this is the best thing for us now because the relationship isn’t good as it is and we need the time apart. I’ve done all the begging I probably shouldn’t do and ironically in about 5 weeks we will be in the same country and I can’t imagine not seeing or being with him because I do love him. We were to go on a cruise together in a few months and I asked if he would still be open to it and he said we will see. I told him I was hoping by then we would work our issues out and he said…. I really hope so too….. He isn’t really saying much more than he knows it will be hard and sleepless nights etc but he thinks we need this break. He says our relationship was unhealthy because we didn’t have one week without an argument. He says he does love me and wants us to be better but right now he needs to focus on other things and we be friends and date others and who knows we may find people more suited for us but I also know he loves me. What do I do? Will the NC rule work here? How do I get him back.?
L

November 10, 2015 at 5:47 am

it all started in summer 2011 when my roommate at the time introduced me to his nephew, A. A and i began dating and shortly after the roommate moved out, A moved in with me. things were great, until the next spring, when A told me he was sick of me and couldn’t stand being around me and wanted to go back to Ontario for the summer and do his fishing guiding job. we didn’t talk for months. i started seeing someone else, who was awful to me. i wrote A a letter telling him about the new guy hitting me. when A got the letter, he called me. A returned to Michigan in the fall, and moved back in with me- on the premise that every summer he would leave and go do his guiding job. that worked out for a while, until 2014. A was accepted into the local native american tribe (that his mother is also a member of). then, i met a lovely gentleman who captured my attention and then… well i cheated on A. i told A about this. he was angry, of course. hung up the phone. wouldn’t talk to me. when he finally would talk to me, he accepted my apology but didn’t want to relationship with me again, that we’d talk in the fall when he returned. well. fall came and he never returned. legal bullshit and border patrol ensues, he was trapped in Canada. the last decade or so he had been crossing under the Jay Treaty, which states that natives born in Canada may cross the border without a passport and live/work on either side. however, one must be at least 50% blood native. A is only 3/8. so his mother qualifies, but he does not. the local native tribe only requires 25% blood. so he could not come back and be with me. i would have been ok with the long distance thing, but he didn’t want to, he was still pretty upset with me about the cheating. i went to visit him for a few days (he was, still is, living in his mom’s house that she still owns there.) i enjoyed seeing him and we talked a bit but he still did not want to be more than friends. i was devastated. winter goes by, then April of this year, 2015, he is allowed across the border to visit his family, but only 1 week at a time. so he does, and he comes to see me- he walked all the way from the rez to my house (6 miles or so). and we spend quite a bit of time together, enjoying each other and doing the things we love to do together like outdoorsy adventures and cooking strange new foods (and sex. copious amounts of incredible sex). but even though he seems happy to see me, he still does not want to be more than friends. the visit ends, he returns to Ontario. the summer passes by, he’s busy at his job and i’m busy working overtime at mine, we don’t talk for a while. then, i texted him “happy halloween.” he texts me that he’s on the train back from his summer job, and wouldn’t mind if i came to visit him. so i do. the very next weekend (my weekend, which is wednesdaythursday) i drive down there to see him, we enjoy each other’s company, we do talk some, but yet still he doesn’t want more than friends. i’m devastated, again. i cry. he says he still cares about me, but that i need to do what i need to do and he’s going to do what he needs to do. i’m frustrated.

sorry that was so long, but i’d love some advice about how to get him back.
seselya

November 9, 2015 at 12:26 pm

Hi Chris !
I really loved your site ! I loved that your taking care of every little detail and possibilty .
Ill try to keep this short . So, i gave my ” 5months LDR ” bf an ultimatum ” it wasnt pretty ” i did it to get more attention from his side but it back fired and he just blocked me on whatsapp ..
I sent him a good luck note on viber then applied the NC rule for 27 days ” it was soo hard ” .. then as you advised i sent him a simple ” i remembered you when .. it made me smile hope all is well ” message on facebook and he did respond positively as you predicted ! He replied with ” all good hope you too as well ”
That was on midnight and the next afternoon i sent him a jealousy text which was like this ” all been lovely thanx , btw a guy came to ask me about something and he looked way too much like you .. who do you think is cuter though ? ”
I felt like this message was stupid and a bit over the top for the mean time . You can guess he did not respond to that , it had been a day now ..
So what do you think about my chances and what should i do next ?

seselya

November 9, 2015 at 9:19 pm

I couldnt wait longer so i texted him
” hv u slept yet ? ”
And he answered with ” !! ”
So i replied with am sry if i bothered you ..

He didnt say anything .. i think he’s mad at me and doesnt wanna even talk , when he replied first time maybe he was just being polite ..

What should i do now ?! I want him back ! Plz help me Chris am in so much pain 🙁 !!

Marianna

November 8, 2015 at 12:05 pm

Hi Chris,

Me and my boyfriend are madly in love with each other, so much that it now hurts. We had a relationship where we live in different countries, we would have 1 week per month together. We are both artist and bit of crazy and also very easily depressed. Last time we had our week together we had lots of random picking and fighting and i can say that i initiated it because of my own dissatisfaction, i felt he became lazy. After he returned home, he kept making promises to call but never did, which lead me to being really upset. he said that he needs space, and I’m getting too much. I got so upset, that when he finally apologised after a few days, i had come to realisation that maybe we need a break. We said that we wouldn’t cheat, just not speaking or texting. I thought it was a good idea to initiate it and it would bring us closer together. But no, it was a bad idea, because space is all we have. He said he saw me having lots of fun and great time during my time off and it made him feel that we are just too different. Of course i begged and showed all the love I have for him, but it didn’t work. He suddenly says we are too different, he can’t be in a relationship with a phone and we are not the same anymore. He says it’s better to stop this now. He also has money problems and is struggling emotionally to deal with this. His dad thinks coming to me is a waste of money. He already has tickets for Christmas which he was supposed to spend with me, but now chooses to not get on the plane. I wrote an honest letter how i felt and how i can come see him . He doesn’t reply. He doesn’t have a good answer to me I guess. I know he loves me and would hate to see me with someone else, but what am I supposed to do now. He says we are done, but still keeps our photos ,,.It makes me hopeful too much…. From the break I learned that I hurt him so much from ignoring and having a good time that it pushed him away… so what am I supposed to do.
Emily

November 8, 2015 at 7:27 am

Hello Chris!
My ex boyfriend had just broken up with me this past week. I have been friends with him for 3 years.We also have been dating for a little over 1 year and spent a lot of time together our entire Senior year of high school. We both decided to go to different colleges that are located in the same state but a good few hours drive apart. His reason for breaking up was that he couldn’t handle the distance and was always very sad whenever I left after seeing him. I know for a fact that he still has feelings for me and wants to be friends with me very bad. I am starting my first day of NC tomorrow. I talked to him one last time on Skype telling him that I need some time away from him for a couple of weeks and that I cannot text or keep in contact him for awhile. Do you think I have a good chance of getting him back?
Megan

November 8, 2015 at 12:01 am

Hi Chris!
I need your help. Yesterday my boyfriend and I broke up. I live in Florida and he lives in Illinois. We started dating when I lived in Florida, so our relationship has been long distance. However, we started basically being together 6 months before we were actually together. At one point during that time he did not want to do long distance, but then said I am worth it and was fully in it no matter what. He was fine with the distance because he knew in about 2 years we would be living close to each other, if not together. About a week and a half ago, he told me he was unhappy, but never said it was because of our relationship. I talked to him about it and he was better. He told me how everything is going to be okay and how I am the best thing to ever happen to him. Ever since, he has been telling me how he loves me and how he wishes I were there and that he can’t wait to see me (I go home to Illinois in a week). The night before yesterday he told me he loved me and was acting the way he always did since the beginning of the relationship. Then yesterday he was talking to me all morning and then in the afternoon told me he was unhappy again. I called him because I wanted to talk since that is the best thing to do. He then told me he did not think we should be together anymore because he thinks it will be best for him. However, I do not believe it because he would tell me how he loves me and would joke around with me all the time. He was perfectly fine. He would skype me, call me, text me, anything to talk to me. However, he could not wait until next week when I come home to talk to me. I really want him back in my life. Do you think I should do the NC? I would really like some guidance. Thank You!
Kait

November 7, 2015 at 8:33 am

Hi Chris, I know you get thousands of messages like this, but I really need some advice. Me and my ex live 2 hours away and saw each other weekends. I always went to him. I think I’ve completely blown my chances of ever getting my ex back, even if I do follow your guides/advice. Basically we’ve been on and off for over a year now and we argue a lot, he never apologises after arguments and will just ignore me for the rest of the day or even for a day+ where as I’ll apologise most of the time regardless and I hate being ignored, especially by him, and then when he does speak to me he just acts normal again or sometimes he’ll say things like ‘going to be a normal gf or still an angry troll’ I admit when we argue at times I can say some really horrible and unforgivable things, but so has he. He’s said many times over the past months that he doesn’t love me and hasnt wanted to be with me for months now. It’s mostly him who breaks up with me, I’ve only ever broken up with him I’ve but I didn’t mean it. He’s also said that he’s only taken me back because I made him or wouldn’t leave him alone. Now last week we had a huge fight on Sunday and things got so bad and again he said were over and that he doesn’t love me anymore and that once I leave his house I won’t be setting foot in there ever again. Things got broken and he got angry and pushed me but I replaced the broken things and got them sent to his house. He text me after the break up saying he got the items but he can’t accept them knowing how he feels about us and that he sees no future for us and doesn’t see us ever working. I tried to do no contact but failed on day 3 🙁 and text him back saying ‘Hey, I was just thinking about the first time we went to the cinema together to see Jurassic World, it was so good. I am glad we did that.’ But because he didn’t reply I turned into a text gnat and then said ‘could we talk please? I don’t like how things were left.’ He replied ‘I enjoyed the good times we had too but things arent the same and we argue too much, please send me your address so i can return the items as it doesnt feel right’ I responded ‘I don’t want to lose you, so will you please work with me to make our relationship work again, I know I don’t deserve it but I care for you deeply and I love you..I want you to keep the them, I’m sorry.’ And again he didn’t respond so I text him again saying ‘Please just talk with me, even if you hate me, please hear me out.’ He responded saying ‘it’s over I sorry, there’s nothing else I can say’ I continued to keep begging him to take me back and him not replying and when he I asked him if he loved me he said no sorry and he also said he won’t be contacting me anymore and i really dont want to upset you more and talking is doing that, you are more than welcome to let me send the items back, other than that good bye. I continued to bombard him with messages and calls, he replied no my minds made up..I continued to message and call him the next day too but no reply. It’s not been almost 3 days I haven’t heard from him and I’m absolutely terrified of losing him. I didn’t text him today so this is the first day I haven’t contacted him for..I want to try the no contact but I always end up caving in. Do you think the Nc rule will get him to speak to me or even give us a chance of ever getting back together? Please help.
ME

November 7, 2015 at 6:35 am

Hi Chris,
My story is a long one, and I’m going through a lot right now, so bare with me and hear me out. My entire life I’ve been a “good girl”, I had never had a boyfriend, and don’t believe in sex before marriage, I never smoked, took drugs or partied, I was always the “innocent girl” my parents raised me to be. After i finished high school at 18 my parents took me overseas to get married, it was not an arranged marriage and I was not forced into it. I got engaged to my brother in laws cousin (who is 8 years older than I) and 2 weeks later we were married and 2 weeks after that I fell pregnant with our first child (we now have 4). We have been married for 9 years. For the first 5 years life was always the way I dreamed it would be, a happy family, I husband that was always there for me and our children financially and emotionally, I was happy. However after he got his citizenship, things began to change. He started spending a lot more time with his friends at each others houses, he started doing things we used to do together with his friends instead of his family, and every other weekend he would go camping with his hunting friends for 3-4 days to hunt, he was no longer around the way he used to be. He would only ever come to me if he wanted sex, it was the only time he’d ever show me love, I spent so many nights crying from the hurt on neglect and being alone, until I could no longer cry and no longer hurt or feel anything at all. I fell out of love with him. I told him this n he just laughed, he thought I was crazy, because in our “religion” there is no such thing as falling out of love. I stayed for the kids, I thought I could handle it. But every time he’s came near me I couldn’t stand him touching me, n I’d fight him off, to the point where the only way he could have sex with me is by beating me till I had no energy left to fight, hold me down, take what he wanted and go.I lived this was for 4 years. Now here comes the insane part, for the first time in our 9 years of marriage we finally went overseas to visit his family. I met a cousin of his who is 9 years younger than me, he hated life, hated humanity and what money and greed had done to destroy it, he hated the world he lived in and wanted to die (he was suicidal), he didn’t trust anyone and had never loved and vowed to never love because there is no o e that is trustworthy in this world and because he did t want to get children of his own to live in such a cruel world. I wanted to help him, and tried to. Long story short along the process of trying to help him see good in the world I fell in love with him. I know. It sounds so insane when I say it because i have never ever done “wrong” in my life. I did not tell this to his cousin because why in the world would someone 9 years younger than me want to be in a relationship with a married woman who has 4 kids. We became real close friends. Then the time came to leave back home. I had bought him a watch as a present to remember me, and gave him a hug goodbye and kiss on the cheek goodbye (it was our first ever physical contact besides a handshake) and promised to stay in contact. And sure enough I did, and within the first week of getting back home his cousin confessed his love for me, and I to him, and our long distance relationship began. I told him my the story of my husband and I n he what devastated him the most was the fact that my husband would beat me n take sex by force, he hated that no one was helping me. Now after getting back home, but before his cousin confessed his love for me, the problems between me and my husband trippled. I was not well at all, I was suffering from post natal depression after having a miscarriage of I child I was forced to fall pregnant with. We were always screaming at each other, and it got to the point where for the first time in 9 years I had had enough and left. I stayed at my brothers house for one day, then my parents told me that they do not have “daughters that divorce” and that if I leave my husband they will disown me and my children n leave us out on the streets, and made me return to my husband. He said we should stay together for the sake of the children, he vowed to changed, and vowed never to touch me in any way unless I fell back in love with him. My relationship with his cousin continued, we became insanely close and did a lot of things together including phone Sex. We were happy, I belonged to him and he belonged to me, and my husband wasn’t coming near me. I know that there is no excuse for cheating, no matter what, from what I know my husband never cheated, and was always there financially, but my heart was no longer his, it was something I could not help and could never foresee happening, I’m the one who made the decision to cheat and I’m the one to blame. Now my lover was always afraid of one thing, that my husband would go back to his old ways and that he would beat me and have sex with me by force again, he was absolutely petrified of this day. And sure enough, 3 months later thy day came. My husband came home drunk and went in on me while I was sleeping (we were no longer sleeping in the same bed). I tried so hard to fight him off, but it wasn’t enough, I had no fight in me left after the beating, and again he took what he wanted and left. I was distraught. I immediately texted his cousin to tell him what happened, and here is where the shock of my life came. He started swearing at me and calling me horrible names. He was furious. He said that I lied to him and cheated on him and that he wishes he had never met me and that he never want to speak to me or see me ever again and that he will never forgive me. He always had this saying, and he used it on me that day “Remeber. God is forgiving, but I am not God.” He told me not to even think about going back to the country he lives in, and if I ever do, he will be waiting for me just to spit on me because I am filth. He even said he hopes I fall pregnant with a girl ( my husband doesn’t want anymore girls as we already have 3). He says that I killed his heart that I fell in love with and it has been Replaced with nothing but hate. He said that the he was going to break the watch I gave him, and burn the t shirt He was wearing when I hugged him goodbye (that tshirt always meant so much to him because it has my “smell” on it) The first day he didnt even let me explain what happened, all I managed to say to him was that my husband took what he wanted agai n left. He told me to block him on watsapp (it is where all our communication was), and I told him I couldn’t. So he did it himself. I freaked out instantly. I would always check his last seen time on watsapp to make sure he was ok and didn’t hurt himself (coz he was suicidal n all), how could I know if he’s ok now. I sent him a message practically begging him to remove it and promised if he did I wouldn’t bug him, but he didn’t, so I called him twice, he didn’t answer, but straight after the calls he removed the block. I didn’t breathe word to him. The next morning I woke up with a message from him saying how disgusted he was in me, n I replied to him saying he is cruel for saying that. He said yes, it is cruel, because now he has become a cruel person and it’s all because of me. About 2 hours after that he texted me sayin how I could do this to him after he told me he loved me, and why i did this to him, n that I knew that he never wanted to love, and chose only to love me, this is now what he deserved. I kept telling him that I did not cheat, that my husband forced this and that I am a victim of this, but he wouldn’t listen, he keeps saying crazy things like “It’s all your fault, you should have been able to tell that he took you only for the visa”. I explained in detail what happened, but after I explained he didn’t say a word to me, as if he didn’t see my msgs. I left it at that. The next day I came across your website and did a bit of reading and realized that I owed him an apology. I wrote him an apology from the heart, I explained that I am to blame and the fault is my own, I should never have expressed my feelings for him when I was is such a horrible marriage, I should not of let him beat so much, I should of waited till after I divorced to tell him how I feel, and hoped that someday he could forgive me and b able to trust me again. I worked on this msg for 2 days, researching on how a proper apology should have been written. I sent is today. He read it, but didn’t say anything back. He is known for being stubborn when it comes to forgiving over something big, normally when he’s had enough, he’s had enough. And just before I get any comments here, I do not intend on staying with my husband any longer, wether I get my lover back or not. I cannot handle a life like this and will no longer stay for the sake of our children, I don not want my daughters growing up thinking it is right for their husbands to treat them that way and I do not want my son growing up thinking it’s ok for him to treat his wife this way. I am staring on the NC rule tomorrow, as I sent him my apology today, but I would like to know your thoughts on this Chris. I don’t understand where all this hate came from, he was always so respectful to me and loved me so much, what we had was incredible. I want to know if you think there is any chance that I can get him back, and if there is anything I can do to get him to trust me again, even if we just start off as friends. There is no way I will start a relationship with him again until Am able to leave my husband. I just want him to stay a part of my life. I know reading this makes me sound like such a horrible person, I feel so ashamed just writing it. I have never felt so much pain, it’s so unbearable to the point where I just wish I was dead. I just want him back in my life, I don’t want to lose him. He is worth everything to me.
Linda

November 6, 2015 at 6:38 pm

Hi Chris !

I’m currently on day 15 of NC and started it the day we broke up.
It’s the second time he breaks up with me, the first time I also did the NC and we got back together.
It’s an LDR relationship but I’ll be moving to his town next year.
Since you’ve had an LDR yourself I’d really want to see you update this guide if you can get around to it.
Your advices are amazing and I’ve read everything on our site !
I would also love to see a “success stories” page or something where people can post their success story and how they implemented your tricks and what worked for them.

Anyways, hope all is great with you and your wife, congratulations on your baby and keep being the wonderful guy you are ! 🙂
Jesse

November 5, 2015 at 3:16 pm

Hi Chris,
I am currently living my exchange abroad in Japan. I have been here since February and a couple of days ago my boyfriend who is living in Argentina broke up with me. The fact is that about 3 weeks ago I confessed to him to have cheated sexually. I felt terribly wrong, my feelings have always been with him however and I didn’t want to live our relationship in a lie so I decided to come clean about it the next morning it happened. My boyfriend seemed devastated (As he had been cheated on before on the past by other exes) however after a long talk he decided to give me a second shot. Things were great during the weeks after. However on the night of our breakup he said that he didn’t felt that things were better. He felt that we were just discussing as usual every now and then and he didn’t see any improvement in my attitude. He said that at the moment he can’t be with me and needs his time off from everything that has to do with me. The problem is that all this year we had been planning a trip together. He would come to Japan in December and we would go on a tour in Asia for a month just before I came back home with him. Now here is the deal, we bought all the plane tickets and made all the hostel reservations just after I confessed my infidelity to him. The day after our break up he told me that he wasn’t planning on coming anymore and that would see a way to get a refund on his flights but hadn’t taken a decision yet (he is considering doing the trip but without meeting me, just using the flights, which by his way of talking, doesn’t lean on towards too much). Needless to say that I want him back with me. I haven’t talked to him for 2 days now but his arriving plane to japan is supposed to be in exactly 27 days… What should I do? Should I plan my trip coming back home without him making new hotel reservations? Should I wait until the last minute to see if he does come? should I contact him after a shorter NC period (If so, how long)? … I am lost :S
thank you.
Jennifer

November 1, 2015 at 9:59 pm

Hey I just want to say great article Chris!

Please can you advice me on my situation? My ex and were in a 3year relationship we broke up once already but got back together way too soon and nothing was really resolved. He thought I was manipulative and unreasonable. This time we have broken up and it seems very permanent but I really love him and do not want to never see him again. Also I have given the relationship a lot of thought and I believe that I would be much better with him now and vice versa if we did manage to get together again.

The way we broke up…
He was very busy and so we agreed that I should stay at his house for a week as he was unable to come and stay at mine. I let him get on with work and did my own thing during the day. At one point I suggested he finished working early one evening and go out for dinner with me as we wouldn’t be seeing each other in a while. We didn’t go and I was ok with that, he was busy doing stuff which is actually really attractive. However, a few days after I had left his house he text me at 3am saying that he has just got home from a night out with his friends, I was a bit miffed but not angry as I presumed there would be a reasonable explanation as to how he now had time to go out. He told me he was at a pub (no pub where he lives is open that late) so I explained that he must not be telling the truth and he didn’t speak to me for days, I contacted him eventually and told him that I wanted to tell him something that was bothering me he didn’t want to hear and we stopped speaking he didn’t contact me for 2months I then contacted him and he said that we had broken up ages ago because I am burden. So I left it another two months with no contact.

Today… We had the following conversation:

Me: “hey I’m in London this coming weekend would be great if we could meet somewhere real quick if you are down in London yet. I have something to give you”

Him : “I am leaving for Manchester early tomorrow so can’t”

Me : “Alright, I’m in London for the next few weekends if you are back for that?”

Him: “I don’t really want to meet up”

Me: ” yeah ok sure that’s cool if you don’t want to see me, I guess you can’t face it yet after everything we were. But yeah I am about if you want to say goodbye properly. Let me know where to send your belongings plus there’s something else I wanted to give you”

I may have messed up there! Any advice one what I can do next would be so appreciated. He hasn’t replied and it has been a few hours. I reckon my last message came out very wrong!
Emma

November 1, 2015 at 4:36 pm

Hi Chris,

Thanks for your excellent website. I’ve read a lot the last days and it really helped me through a tough time. I still have a question. I have a LDR since six months. I’m 30 and he’s 34. We live a two hour flight away and speak different languages (English is our common language). Since we met we spend three times a long weekend together at my place.
He has a daughter who lived with him while his ex wife lived about 1000 km away. He has been taken care of his daughter most of the time and didn’t want me to go his place because he didn’t want to introduce me to his daughter yet. But now his daughter is moving to live with her mom. He is doing a master this year and has some family problems (father is really ill but lives in Costa Rica). So I tried to be really understanding. Now his daughter won’t live with him anymore I hoped to spend a week at his place. But he said I only could stay for two days… So here the first arguments started and it kind of escalated to the moment where I told him I wanted to forget him
because I couldn’t do this anymore. That was so selfish and I’m ashamed for this behavior. I guess I hoped he would say that we shouldn’t give up so fast, because deep down I don’t want to break
up. But he said he understood and that he was sad because he really likes me and that it was just really bad timing. Because he has to much on his mind and couldn’t focus on me. And he asked for a deal. He would contact me in May after he finishes his master and if I would still be single and I would still like him we could try again in a more serious approach.
But what should I do now. Wait until he contacts me first even if that takes seven months? Or do a NC for one month and than reach out? I’m not ready to forget about him. We had a really good connection and the only reason it didn’t work was bad timing as he states it. Could you give me you
honest opinion Chris? Thank you for the help.
Emma

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