The Female Mind During The No Contact Rule

143 thoughts on “The Female Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Hopeless

February 7, 2017 at 6:37 pm

Hello, I’ve been doing the NC for 33 days out of 45, and it’s been a big challenge, especially after the 30th day. Because he hasn’t contacted me at all, he is very stubborn, I am feeling a bit hopeless yet with hope, if that makes sense, and that hope is giving me more pain, you can say that I’m in limbo, which is where I was with him before we ended our friendship/relationship. Obviously, I want to be together again with him, but it has been very difficult to move on without moving on. Perhaps because I had to make new friends, change my lifestyle, and keep improving myself (thankfully I was already doing this so it’s not new). However, I feel the pain everyday, and since last week it’s like I’m back at week 1 or 2, it did not get better except for week 3, and I think I might’ve gotten a bit obsessed. I want the pain to go away yet I want to be with him, but I’m feeling hopeless that this will actually work since he said that he and I needed to work on ourselves before being in relationships, and it’s a long term thing. Also, I think he started to move on before we ended. I need advice. At the end of the 45 days, should I just ask for my stuff back and then play it by ear but probably try harder to forget about him and go back to NC, or text him as you suggested with the first shock/awe text? I’m a very hopeful and determined person, but perhaps it’s time to give up, accept that I lost him forever. Thank you for your help!

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 7, 2017 at 11:54 pm

Hi Hopeless,

try to rebuild rapport first.. if it doesn’t work out then continue moving on.. I think you need to go to counseling too.. Pain is ok, just dont get drowned in it..acknowledge the feeling then go back to your activity

sunny

February 4, 2017 at 6:41 pm

hi, i been reading about nc rule and i really want to try it but do not know if it would work for me , here is what happened , its been less than a week since he broke up with me , we were ld during all the relationship , when i met him he was divorced for a year , was married for ten years and has a child , at first we used to see each other a lot , we would laugh and have fun together , he introduced me to his family and my family met him , it was all so good until a few months ago , when he stopped giving me attention , i was the one to initiate conversation i would call him almost everyday , he said one time he wanted space , this was a few weeks after he knew his daughter and exwife were moving out of the country , i gave him space , it was painful , but i did it because i love him , after that space he came back saying he wanted us to go back to normal , that he loves me and that he did not wanted to sabotage the relationship , after this he continued with his lack of commitment and attention , until we had an argument , i apologized , and he said that he was the one sorry , that he does not know what to do with the lack of commitment , that he went to bed crying because he loves me but can not stop himself from sabotaging the relationship , i said we will get through this and we will find a way , he came to my town a week before new years eve saying he wanted to spend it with me and that he wanted me to meet his daughter , before she leaves the country , he said everything was going to change , december 31st came , and he told me he would have to leave it for another day since hes got a job offer he could not turn down , i was in pain , we didnt spoke for weeks , until one day he told me he had to talk to me , he said that he loves me but that he have not moved on from his past relationship and that in the last few days he realized thats why his lack of commitment , he told me that is not he is going to stop her from moving , but he needs time to himself to think for himself , i was in shock i told him he never loved me and he said thats not true , i ask do you want me to wait , he said i would love you to do that , im so confused now i feel he is going to come back , i feel it ,but i dont know if i should try this one last thing , i want him , i love him ,but i dont know if the nc rule will work in this case , i want it to but i dont know can you give me your point of view

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 5, 2017 at 7:54 pm

Hi Sunny,

he wants you to wait? did he say for what and until when you should wait?

Marion

January 4, 2017 at 2:58 am

I commented previously on the “how not to spiral” article, which was very helpful.

I’d like some guidance on the length of no contact, and how to break it considering we’ve had contact over logistical things and he knew I was going into no-contact (except for his family).

Dated for ~5 years, been friends for 10, lived together for 2+ years, currently long-distance for the past year. Started the relationship with a whirlwind long-distance romance where we saw each other at least once a month before I moved back to the same state.

I apologize for how long this is.

Where I’m at now: I know deep down that I still love him, even though all of the pain and rejection is stifling the feelings I used to feel. I remember us being incredibly happy and sharing everything together. We have a lot of history, shared values, and supportive families. We were that annoying couple that would FaceTime for hours, even if we weren’t talking. I think that our deep connection is worth giving this relationship another shot. But his resistance will be strong.

Since I’ve had nothing to do but think during this NC period, I feel like I’ve already made significant progress in shifting my perspective, understanding my past behavior, and developing as a person. The flip side is that I’ve had very little to distract me these past 23 days so I seriously doubt I will be in the best emotional place to contact him at day 30. I’ve managed to get logistical things done through family members (like separating our phone accounts) and I have a short trip scheduled with his aunt (already paid) scheduled for NC day 40.

The Break-up: Broke up December 9, but he stayed over (at my request – he had a backup plan in case I kicked him out) and we continued talking (mainly me just trying to process and keep asking “why why” questions, in a very calm (though teary at times), structured, and humble way). We did mellow things like work on our computers, watch TV, and just stayed in close proximity. Between our conversations he seemed to be trying to act normal, and snuggled, hugged, kissed me on the head, played with my hair…basically anything non-sexual he could do. I’m assuming he was preparing himself to never do that again. He left Dec. 11 and I repeated again that I couldn’t talk to him, I hadn’t told my family yet but they were likely to be upset about it, and that I loved him. He said something along the lines of missing my dad and step mom and didnt seem happy about it (no shit sherlock). He told me his mom wanted to keep in touch with me (“She loves you… she said she didnt care about the break-up… she surprised me, she hasnt reacted this way for any of my or my brothers’ gfs”) and he thought that I should. I told him I wanted to but didn’t think I could. We hugged for a long time, I gave him kisses on his head then a non-passionate kiss, we told each other we loved each other, then he left in tears.

Break-Up Mistakes:
-I unfriended him immediately
-I told him that I probably will never talk to him again “maybe… in a year…” I was really hurting and wanted to make sure he understood the finality of his decision.
-I brought up things I was disappointed about in the relationship
-Even worse, the day after we broke up I sent him everything I had written “to him” up until that point which was pages and pages of my painful perspective but were ultimately negative (NOT “we belong together because”) except for some “thank yous” for good things about the relationship
– (Maybe mistake?) He picked up (no contact) a box that I had packed with a couple things he needed but also pictures of his family, of us, and our relationship books

Reason why we broke up: He fell out of love with me, which I inferred from our conversations. He did not say this explicitly, as he kept insisting that he still loves me, but he described this “feeling” that wouldnt go away (since shortly after he got on a SSRI), and a “gap too wide” between us where he “couldnt see a way forward.” He also tossed in “more of a best friend” in there, “not fair” to me etc etc.

Pre-Break Up: He first started hinting at it a couple months ago under the guise of not being sure if he would move with me to a possibly new city (in TWO years). I offered couples counseling, he happily accepted, and he seemed happy after our first session. After our individual sessions and our second joint session, he suddenly asked for “No contact” for 30 days (but still in relationship) after which he said he still wanted to work on the relationship, apologized for the sudden break, and said we needed to talk about a few things “in order to cement our commitment or break up.” We met his new nephew together, then had a very long conversation where he basically listed MY behaviors that weren’t meeting his “needs” and said that he knew it was “his own work” to get over the anxiety that my behavior provoked in him. But I made clear where those behaviors came from, that I had recently identified all of them work on, and basically said I agreed with everything he was saying. He asked if I wanted to say anything about the relationship, and I brought up that we needed to have more open communication about how we were feeling in order to prevent his feelings being bottled up again. After that trip, I got very ill and we were both busy in general – there really wasn’t much romance in our communications at all. One day he was beyond thrilled about his acceptance to his dream job back in my city, few days later I was hormonal and picked a mini fight about him not wanting to take a last-minute solo vacation with me, and by the end of the week he had flown up to break-up with me.

Reasons that probably contributed to his falling out of love:
-I was ready for lifelong commitment early in the relationship and made that clear, but he was hot and cold
-My “reactivity” as he calls it – I am a lot more impulsive, loud, and take over conversations compared to him
-I didn’t realize that when he was saying something vulnerable, I wouldnt always be supportive (this may just be recently though – I was very affectionate and loving and my friends commented that he seemed to be the needy one in the relationship)
-Social Anxiety – I apparently triggered this sometimes for him
-He had just gotten his dream job in my city to start next fall, but I would probably have to move for my job the following summer

His issues:
-Anxiety (social, but probably more), depression, started getting treated with Prozac ~May/June?, finally found a therapist he likes around that same time or maybe a little later, youngest son and constantly compares himself to his oldest brother
-Has problems with PDA and being transparent about his feelings

My issues:
-ADD, Depression, Anxiety. Recovering from these now, but did go on SSRIs for almost a year which made me worse then steadily better BUT with a more “whatever” attitude toward other people, some emotional numbing and unable to orgasm with my partner anymore
-Way more trauma in my past than he does, and he knows it

Marion

January 7, 2017 at 6:11 am

Hi Amor, thanks for the link, it was helpful. Their situation seems a lot less complicated than mine though. Can I e-mail you guys about dealing with the mental illness complication, and how to navigate the fact that he has a negative, loooong PDF from me that he can look at whenever he wants to steel his “moving on” resolve? Also, it’s like he has this warped view that he’s protecting ME by breaking up, but maybe I’m misunderstanding him. Essentially, what’s the benefit of “building rapport” if my ex wanted to stay friends (I’m his best friend) but didn’t think it would be “fair to me” to stay in a relationship with me?
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 8, 2017 at 6:00 pm

right now, you can try sending a voice mail in the contact section. It’s very important that you really change to the point that he would think you’re not the girl that wrote that pdf anymore.. that way, if you’re so different, far improved, he would want to get to know you, thus rebuilding rapport
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 5, 2017 at 9:29 pm

Hi Marion,
the basic is 30, if you need or want to extend to 45 days, that’s ok.. Just don’t stop improving yourself even while building rapport.. check this for your first contact text:
Handling The First Time You Talk To Your Ex After The No Contact Rule (Live Coaching Session)

Diane

January 3, 2017 at 8:56 pm

Dated exclusively for 7 months. Messy breakup. First I broke up but realized less than 12 hours later that I had made a mistake. I tried to reach out and he blew me off. I did a little begging. A month later, he agreed to meet me. Told me that he never had feelings for me and thought we were just hanging out. Said at some point he realized I had feelings and he knew he was going to hurt me but he kept seeing me because he enjoyed being with me. That blew me away because he always told me that he enjoyed my company, that I was the smartest woman he’s ever been with, that sex was the best that he had ever had ( even better than with his ex, divorced 10+ years), and that we had so much in common. He went on to say that he hasn’t loved anyone since his divorce. But, asked if we could remain friends. I told him that we were friends for a year before we started dating and by being an ass, he wrecked that chance. I went no contact immediately. He kept following me on facebook and would try to engage me but, I ignored him.

Mutual friends had a NYE party. I made it clear that I was going (facebook) and that I wanted to know if he was going because I wouldn’t go if he was. He told everyone that he wasn’t going and ultimately, showed up. The party was at a club and he spent the entire evening looking at Facebook & videos on the wall. He wouldn’t even look at me. Friends noticed and told him that I didn’t know that he was going to be there. One friend said that she has never seen him like this post breakup and that he always brushes things off. She was shocked at how week he appeard. She urged me to talk with him so, I did. He denied any weirdness & said “we’re friends, right?” I didn’t respond. I told him that I missed him and he said that he missed me too & that I looked fantastic. I gave him a hug and he responded for a min and then pushed me away. The same friend as earlier, urged me to dance with her group of friends. My ex just turned again and refused to look at me. The same friend as earlier, urged me to give him a hug and kiss at midnight. I stupidly did and he again seemed to push me away. He ran out of the party right after midnight. When I left, I noticed that he had liked all of my FB pix from the party. I resumed no contact immediately

Today, I accidentally sent him a text that was really for a friend who also was having relationship issues & in my text, I referred to the break up. I told ex to please not respond. I then put something stupid on facebook about accidental texts/emails and despite me telling him not to respond, he just had to “like” my post.

So, I had 2 weeks left for “no contact”. Was going to contact him on the 14th, before this happened. Should I continue the no contact longer? I don’t know what to do and his weirdness is killing me. I miss him so much and these accidental contacts are killing me.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 5, 2017 at 7:32 pm

Hi Diane,

I think his weirdness is a good sign because it shows he misses you.. So, try to finish no contact, don’t give in easily when he acts like that..

Jasmin

December 31, 2016 at 12:56 pm

Hi,

my name is Jasmin and I am 25 years old. I am writing this email to you, because in one of your videos you said that people subscribed to your youtube channel could ask you for advice (my name is: persianbeau).
My boyfriend (25) broke up with me yesterday and everything went horribly wrong. We were both unexperienced, and it was our first relationship. We used to know each other from uni and there was always a great connection between us. We came together the 5th of January 2016, so basically one year ago, but he was in the US for his PhD, thus, being really together since the 20th of December this year. However, I visited him 3 times during his time abroad and we spent talking to each other everyday this year. When we came together, everyone was happy as we matched perfectly and we truly loved each other. With time however, we started to argue a lot (as he is Muslim and I am not, and he couldn’t cope with my lack of religion) and the last three months we had a constant on-off relationship and broke up every week. However, when he came back last week and I fetched him from the airport we wanted to start anew and I even wanted to inform myself about his religion to give us a real chance. On Wednesday everything was perfect, we were invited to a party from his old classmates and he introduced me to everyone, but when he came back to my place and he fell asleep, he was stressed out by the fact that he had to go back to his place (he lives with his religious famlily) and that they might have found out about him being at my place… .
We met yesterday and he said he wanted to break up with me because he loves me but he is doing the wrong thing (unislamic thing) and he must stop doing this because he can’t reconcile it with his conscience. That he feels as if he is not the right person for me (although all of his friends love me and say that we fit perfectly) and that I should be with someone who can reconcile being with me with his conscience.
I cried and asked him why because two days ago everything seemed so perfect and for me it just seemed as it was just an impulsive reaction to his stress (because one of his brothers got married the day before yesterday and he had to organize everything) but he said it is the best for both of us (but also admitting that he really thought of marrying me and he really loved me) and that I shouldn’t contact him. In the end, he kissed me on my forehead (he didn’t want to kiss me on my lips) and said that if I would become a Muslim he would be really happy (somehow he said that he would keep watching me). I said that the problem is not the religion, it never was (as he was arranged to be engaged with a Muslim girl before but he wasn’t happy either) and that it is something in himself, and that we might never see us again because I am leaving in April. He just answered ”Then it might be like that” and left.

I am so devastated because I really love him and I waited one year to be together with him. I don’t understand why he behaves like that. I wanted to ask you whether the no-contact-method would be applicable here and if we have a chance coming back together?

I haven’t texted him yet, neither has he.

Thank you so much
Jasmin

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 1, 2017 at 6:50 pm

Hi Jasmin,

Give him a few days to cool down first and then talk..if it doesn’t work out after that, try the no contact period

Olivia

December 28, 2016 at 5:29 am

Its been a week since I started the no contact. It’s tough during the process but somehow i feel better than before. when i initiated to my ex that i wanna back off (no contact) for a while, he thought i am very childish (coz he thinks it’s a way for me to cut off things if it doesnt turn out sth i like). we broke up around a month ago, we still contacted each other daily, even i didnt find him, he would find excuse to talk to me too. we would meet up sometimes as well. i really want to say it’s not healthy, i can feel we both r very fragile, and he admitted that he’s trying to be very careful about what he said so make sure he wouldnt hurt me again. to be honest i was feeling very frustrated and fragile during that month.
i can feel mentally i am really really tired, and i know i really need to do something for myself, healing is part of it. although he thinks no contact is not a wise thing to do, somehow i think we both need a break and get rid of our negative energy btw us. so i insist. i hope he could understand.
the reason that we broke up was he thinks im too emotional, like crying easily. i always know i hv this problem. so i start taking meditation classes and see if this is a way to help me to deal better with emotion and make myself calm. So far, it’s working.
i know i should start the NC as early as possible, i hope i m not too late to start now. according to my emotional status today, I think maybe 2-3 weeks later I should feel quite good. I will see by that time if I am okay to contact him again. from now on, I would think myself more, because you can’t rely your happiness on someone, we should make ourselves happy. I understand there’s a chance that we couldn’t get back together, but I have to accept it and move on to something/someone more suitable for me.

Olivia

February 15, 2017 at 12:14 am

After the NC, he suggested to meet up, I was thinking to just grab a drink, instead he planned a pretty romantic dinner. It was a good night. After that, we keep the conversations like everyday. After that dinner, We haven’t met for almost 3 weeks, until Monday. Before Valentine’s Day, we had dinner again, I gave him the Valentine’s gift and he seems like it. Although we do sweet stuffs sometimes, I know we are not back as couple yet. I just have 3 questions, the time frame btw meet up should be shorten? Coz I think now we are not tense anymore. Also, if he didn’t ask me out, can I ask first? Or how to let him do the chasing?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2017 at 5:51 pm

don’t stop doing your activities.. have good talks first before asking so, that when you ask, it’s not awkward. You have to guage it by feel if it’s the right time to ask, but yes, you can meet sooner than 3 weeks again..
Olivia

January 18, 2017 at 2:15 am

i finally finished the NC and started texting him. my first message was about myself got a new job offer and he was very happy for me. he replied within seconds! before i was kind of worried that he got some negative feeling about NC. when i was texting him, he was on business trip, and he kept the conversations going on and replied sooo quickly, which he never did. (he’s a workaholic, when he’s working abroad, he usually just ignores me). i was very surprised. maybe NC really makes him miss me a bit. haha

it’s been around a week since we start talking, i try not to talk to him like everyday. before i thought the NC is the hardest thing to do, however, now it’s even harder. it’s hard to balance emotionally and need to control myself of not being too pushy. all his responses are positive, he also tries to initiate some conversations too (but usually i initiate first). if i initiate more, would he feel like i am trying too hard?

he did say should celebrate of me getting a new job, and now i hope that he would ask me for dinner/meet up soon. i know i can’t be pushy. i can feel our conversations is not as fun as before, maybe i am too nervous that i might say something wrong again and make him feel pressures. how to improve my current status?

Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2017 at 6:52 pm

what’s more important is that you’re the one ending the conversations at high point.. if you’ve been texting fir two weeks, try to transition a text to calls
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 30, 2016 at 4:13 am

Hi Olivia,

try doing a 30 day nc since you kept talking to him after the break up..

Katie

December 22, 2016 at 9:53 am

Hi I would like to share my experience and what went through my mind while implementing no contact.

Once I realized, this is a man I would do anything just to have a second try. I started to prepare myself and do my best to think logically. I thought, what I tried didn’t work, clearly i needed a different approach. This convinced me that stopping all contact would be the best chance I got. I understand that I needed time and space to heal, and I should give him time and space to think too. So that in case if we do get back together, there is a better chance it wouldn’t be a rash decision.

[Timing]

First thing I do during the no contact, was to determind when should I end it. Going into NC is hard already, setting a date makes it feels like there is an end to this.

Why 37 days? I thought, when I do reach out, I want to have the best advantages.

I went through 3 different ex back products (including Ex boyfriend recovery Pro of course!) and the most important thing about the first contact message is to make it interesting and it needs to have a point. So I set this first contact date to be just a few days before Christmas, so I could use this as an excuse to send a merry christmas text. and hey, Christmas time/End of the year is a good time for people to reflect and make peace with people. The holiday spirits may rubs off a bit to keep him in a good friendly mood!

Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro also helped a lot in understanding the psychology of NC. Understanding it takes 2-3 weeks for men to begin process their feelings helped me sticking with my plan. I read some ex reached out right around 30 days. So I decided that I can use a few extra days to let more dust settle.

[What happened during the no contact]

The first two weeks, it was tough. If we normally can experience sad to happiness level on a scale of 1 to 10, these two weeks was like a -3. I got to experience a different kind of sadness and depression that I didn’t think I could feel.

I cried everyday, lost appetite, didn’t want to get out of bed. I told myself it is OK to be sad for now, and I let myself to stay in a mess. ONLY because I know I need to go through this, let those emotions out, before I could pick myself up again. Also, understanding why I’m hurting is very important (some youtube video helped). During this two weeks, having a supportive friend was essential. So every time when there is something I want to say to my ex, I would talk to my friend about it instead.

I would also write things out, to myself. Writing what went through my mind, helped to clear some thoughts. I would write out what happened, defending myself, debating with myself, write out pros and cons of the relationship, and what I wanted to say to him.

I also took the time to craft the best possible first contact message, using my knowledge about my ex and everything I learned from these 3 ex back products. I would edit and improve it every time I got a new idea from reading it. So I know when the time come, I know I have my best shot ready. This is one of the few comforting thoughts I have during NC.

Then I would also prepare myself for conversations that may come next. I believe that being prepared is the best in dealing with an ex. So I think of what if he respond poorly and angrily? What if he doesn’t reply? I ran all different scenarios through my head and think of how should I respond to have the least damage.

By week 3 and 4, my emotion went back from a -3 to a 2. Still sad and hurt, but I know I was in a better state. I started to let things go a bit, accepting that if things won’t turn out the way I want, it is ok, Maybe it is for the better.

I started getting curious on what might be going through his mind. Apart from reading everything I could google and every related article on EBR, i started reading horoscope. I’m normally not a very superstitious person, but when you are done with every logical approach, it doesn’t hurt to look at the unscientific stuff.

During this state of no contact, I wanted to know everything possible. I want to know what he was thinking so I can know if i still have a chance. But since it was in the middle of no contact, and I’m not on his facebook and we don’t share mutual friends…. the only comfort I can see would be reading his horoscope. Of course, it helps when the stars are saying he was having a sad moment because of a love situation….or it says he was reminiscing the past.

I also learned a thing about “Mercury retrograde”. For those who believe in astrology, it is a time when people think about the past and ex’es pops up. And the date I selected for first contact, happens to be when Mercury turns retrograde. I thought…. WHAO even the stars are aligned for me. I MUST stick to this 37 days of NC.

Then I also got back into Tarot cards, doing readings for myself. It isn’t about “telling the future” that type of thing, but more about seeing advice and give myself a better understanding on why i’m feeling this way.

[Conclusion]
I did everything I could to feel better:
1. support system form best friends,
2.take my time to heal by accepting the situation and understanding why I should do NC.
3. Learn as much as I can to give myself the best advantages when I reach out. ( this really helps to keep a bit of hope. Of couse, have to be realistic that not everything is guaranteed.)
4. I can vouch and saying that week 1 to 3 really isn’t a good time to contact my ex. By week 4 and 5, I was feeling like a different person. I wasn’t desperately wanting to hear from him.

[Result]
I have contacted him, and his response was so much better than I ever expected. It will probably takes another few weeks to see how things turn out. we may or we may not get back together. But at least I think I have a good start here.

Katie

December 27, 2016 at 2:31 pm

Hi Amor, Yes I did text him with a thought-out text, and he responded very positively. In fact, he asked me out just 4 days after, and we had a great time together 🙂 I think there are few things that worked for me:

1. Stick to the no contact (unless the ex contact you. In my case, he didn’t, so I reached out first.)
2. Spend the no contact time to prepare yourself and plan every step out.
3. Use your knowledge of your ex and the relationship: Don’t blindly use every strategy in a book. I didn’t stop the first contact text conversation right away. But I felt the text conversation was going back and forth very positively, so I kept it going but not overboard. At the end of that first contact conversation, he suggested the possibility of doing something together the following week. (Though that plan was changed and he asked to meet up earlier instead.)

Right now, I’m feeling there is a bit of hot and cold attitude coming from my ex, which is expected and understandable. I didn’t think he would jump right back in. So I have a good start at getting back with him, but I know it doesn’t mean all is safe and it can take just one misstep for m to blow it. There is a lot of guide and great advice for during the no contact period, and how to handle first text, first call, first meet up….. However, there are a lot less advice and emphasis on what to do after you made it through the door for an initial meet up. And as we know, getting to the first meet up doesn’t mean we are back together, and doesn’t mean i must get a second date. I feel there is still a lot going through my ex’s mind. I’m still worried that what if he is doubting his decision of meeting with me again.

So, it would be great if Chris can talk about what are guys thinking at that stage (after first contact, but before got back together), and what would help to encourage the guy to be more willing to give the relationship a another chance 🙂

Thanks.
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 29, 2016 at 11:49 am

Most of the time it’s when they see you in a new light.. when they cant see the old you and becomes interested and attracted to the new you.. but I’ll suggest that to Chris. Thank you! You might want to check this one too:
The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 27, 2016 at 10:04 am

Hi Katie,

That’s good that you improved yourself..did you text him again?

Pari

December 4, 2016 at 5:38 pm

Hi,
My ex and I dated for a couple months after being friends for a few months. We became friends a few months after he and his girlfriend of a year and a half broke up. It was long distance. We drove 3 hours to see each other, I met his best friends, and we talked about vacations and so forth. Three weeks ago, we got into a little fight because I was questioning his interest in me. He sent me flowers to apologize. A couple weeks ago, he decided he wanted to focus on getting into grad school and his work and that he doesn’t want to date anyone right now. He said he was going to ask me to be his gf officially when he sent the flowers, but he couldn’t do it. When I asked if he still had feelings for his ex, he said yes, but he has no intension of getting back together with her. A week ago, he found out he’ll be going to Germany for three months for work. He has been distant for the last couple weeks and told me “it just happens.” It took me a while to open up to the idea of dating him in the beginning, because he had gone through a recent breakup and I wanted to focus on school, but he convinced me to trust him. And now that he wants to focus on himself, he wants nothing to do with me anymore. It’s hard not talking to someone you’ve talked to everyday for the past 5 months. I’ve tried to implement no contact to move on. But I’ve failed this entire past week. I’ve been working out, eating healthy, focusing on school, and myself, but I’m still very sad/hurt/confused.

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 5, 2016 at 11:54 am

Hi Pari,

if he’s set in making his studies a priority, then use no contact to get used to not talking to him.. it will take time.. that’s just really how it is.. if you want, you can stay friends with him instead.

Leanna

December 4, 2016 at 12:09 pm

Hi, i added a comment yesterday but i dont see it?

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 4, 2016 at 3:01 pm

Hi Leanna,

it went through but I’ll just copy my answer there here..

It can be a good sign.. He maybe thought you would have initiated by now, so he reacted that way and thought it can get a reaction from you..

Leanna

December 3, 2016 at 9:34 pm

Hi there. I am currently on day 37 of No contact with my ex. He broke up with me 38 days ago on the phone. we had a few arguements prior to the break up but nothing that couldnt be fixed. He is the type of person however that does not like any uncertainty. 5 days after the break up he deleted me off facebook and put up that he was single. He has since then posted up many pics of him out socializing and writing up things that i no are a direct dig at me. I sense there is alot of anger from him. He even recently deleted pics of us off his social media. He is adding alot of girls on his social media. I really dont understand why he is angry and behaved like this. just the day before we broke up he told me that he wanted us to get married etc..I I havent broken the NC, however i had to block him on social media to save myself some heart ache from his actions. I have posted a few snaps of myself out but nothing to rub his nose in it. Please can you shed some light into his behaviour?

Leanna

December 7, 2016 at 11:29 pm

hi have u received my reply?
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 8, 2016 at 9:55 pm

Yes, sorry for the reply. I haven’t reached yours yet. If he’s really stubborn he’s anger can really last, especially if he really wanted you to initiate and if he’s pissed because you don’t seem to be affected. You said he’s been posting a lot since nc, so, it’s like a competition of who among the two of you will give in first. I’m not saying you should compete with him. I think 45 days is long enough.. Actually that’s usually the longest we recommend. If you want, you can initiate after 45 days, to cut this cycle. If he doesn’t respond, just don’t initiate again for a week before trying again.
Leanna

December 6, 2016 at 7:58 pm

Update. Now his mother has deleted me off social media. His anger is clearly projecting onto other people. I havent done a thing but no contact to entice this.
Leanna

December 5, 2016 at 5:25 pm

even at 39 days he still hasnt cooled down. Is it usual for a man to stay angry? Do they calm down? Yes i dont think i should contact him first especially after all his immature behaviour.
Leanna

December 4, 2016 at 9:37 pm

Why do you think he might still be angry for? My friends have said that they have seen him writing about his social events, like boasting that he is out. Is this attention seeking? Its nearly 6 weeks since we spoke. what are the chances of him contacting me at this stage when he is still angry? Ive already read the post about the angry ex. Infact, id say ive read this whole website trying to get an insight into his behaviour. I dont understand how a man can tell you one day that he wants to get married then the next finish it and behave immaturely after it.
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 5, 2016 at 12:03 pm

it can be ego.. he’s expecting you to reach out first, he’s pride might be preventing him from reaching out, and he knows you’re subdominant to him, so getting angry might get a reaction from you. It’s unlikely that he will contact you if he’s being like that, just let him cool down.. let him realize you’re not going to reach to his immature moves.. because it’s like rewarding that behavior.
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 4, 2016 at 3:01 pm

Hi Leanna,

It can be a good sign.. He maybe thought you would have initiated by now, so he reacted that way and thought it can get a reaction from you..

JS

December 3, 2016 at 6:45 pm

Hi, you’re website is so helpful. Thank you for all your work!

I need major advice how to move forward! Be warned, my situation is a bit long…. My bf has low self-esteem from his past which gave him major jealousy and insecurity issues. He also can get very depressed and beat himself down. We dated for about 6 months and it was very passionate and intense, there was much love and a deep connection on all levels… sexually, spiritually, emotionally and intellectually.

I inadvertently added fuel to his insecurity and pain, because I once said something positive about my ex-husband early on in our relationship that was misintepreted and my bf took it to mean I didn’t think he was an amazing person or that I desired him the most. He became jealous of my ex-husband. I also one day while with I was with him I responded to a text from a guy I had previously dated. He asked me if i’d slept with that person before I met him and I lied and said no because I was afraid of what he’d think. When I later told him the truth, that I had slept with this person (mind you it was before we met) he flipped out and lost all trust in me. I apologized profusely but he didn’t seem to accept it.

He tried to hold on, but his insecurity grew to the point where he was uncomfortable going out in public with me for fear I was looking at other men or thought he wasn’t “the one”. There were many accusations and fights all rooted in his jealousy but I NEVER once betrayed him. I feel he is an amazing and beautiful person and I am deeply in love with him.

At 7 months he said he needed space to work on himself. Kept saying he was not worthy, wasn’t relationship material because of his issues, and needed to resolve some personal situations from his past (family and ex-gf with child). He told me he couldn’t be devoted to me, or relied upon, and that we were not together anymore.

I tried to give him space, but I was heartbroken, we both broke the NC rule many times including being physical… then he started getting really evasive hiding his phone and any personal details of his whereabouts, making new friends I’d never heard of before and I started getting suspicious. Turns out he had begun sleeping with someone else after we broke up. I found out by seeing texts between them on his phone. He said he wasn’t with anyone else and denied it at first. I freaked out calling him a cheater and a liar and threw him out of my house. He later said it was true he was seeing someone but it was just physical and also he didn’t feel it was cheating since we were broken up. He said he didn’t owe me any explanation because we weren’t an official couple anymore.

I was utterly devastated and so I did horrible things, sent him a barrage of emails and texts and FB messages that he wasn’t a good person, he was unstable with low morals, and a liar for not telling me he was with another. I also lied in an email and said I’d slept with another (to make him jealous)… I also insulted parts of his body and really damaged his self-worth and feeling of security of about what I truly thought of him. None of the mean things I said were in any way true, I was just so incredibly blinded by anger and fear that I was losing him and that he’d been with another. It was the lowest thing I’d ever done in my life.

He then left the area for about two weeks to take care of personal things and said goodbye. We had NC during this time… but on his way back to town he texted that he missed me and knew he loved me. We talked a lot and tried to resolve things. He apologized for being with another woman and I accepted his apology. I apologized for my anger and previous behavior but I don’t think he fully accepted it.

We then got back together I thought things were going well. Then he started getting depressed and the cycle of fear started again. He said he felt he couldn’t be relied upon because he wasn’t worthy, couldn’t support anyone – family friends or me, and felt suffocated and in fear in relationships, and that my love wasn’t true for him.

Arguments started again about jealousy of others (that didn’t exist) and the push and pull pattern began again – he’d say “I love you” with real passion and then the next day “I can’t do this”. It was a rollercoaster. During all this I made the mistake of trying to defend and got angry for being accused and also walked on eggshells choosing my words carefully so as not to damage his pride or ego. I knew he loved me and was struggling inside to find self-worth and security and I was trying everyday I could to show him I could be trusted and that I was devoted to him.

Then something really bad happened. He re-opened his FB account and sitting there waiting for him were some of the old angry messages I’d sent months ago where I’d lashed out and insulted him. It brought everything racing back up inside him … he got very depressed and stressed and angry at me that I could have ever said those things. There were many arguments. I explained that I sent them because of my fear and anger that he’d lied and that none of it was true and it was in the past! But he’d totally lost all confidence in my words and wouldn’t accept my remorse or apology.

He said again “I need space to work on myself and my anger” but after one week I broke the NC rule and pushed him and said to just break up with me if he didn’t love me. I was frustrated to be in the gray area. Many phone calls and texts between us I kept pushing him until finally he said “Ok then we are broken up, I can’t do it goodbye”.

Yet, I still didn’t give him space…. For about 3 days I kept fighting for him and reminded him of how great he is and our amazing connection and times together, begged him not to leave, and to see that I really did love him and that I’d never betray him. I humiliated myself, kept sending messages and calling, apologizing, pleading, cried..and so on. After 3 days he’s stopped responding to all my contact. I know I pressured him too hard to stay in it and fight for us, until he broke.

So today is day 4 and I am determined to do the NC rule and take time for myself to heal all the accusations and pain from our past and allow him time to heal and work on himself too.

He has a lot to work on inside and my being in his life is just a reminder of his fears now. I know he loves me deeply, but is also angry and in pain and needs time to find his self-worth. But I’m afraid he’s doing everything not to deal with the pain and just burying his head in the sand and being alone.

He never blocked my contact, so I’m sure I could still email, text or call, but I won’t. But now here’s my dilemma I’m not sure if he’s truly broken us up for good and will never want to see me again because I drove him to that point… or if space will allow him to miss me and contact me and possibly consider reconciliation.

Also note that we don’t live in the same area (he lives an hour and 1/2 away) so we wont run into each other at public places, we also aren’t connected online anywhere, so during this time he won’t see that I’m moving on, improving myself and doing fine, or that I am happy living my life without him. So I’m not sure how he’ll see that or even be curious what I’m doing or miss me.

So knowing all this, I have these 4 questions:

1. Did I damage things so far that he’s gone and I should move on?
2. How long should I maintain the NC rule? Our situation seems like it should be longer than the standard 30 days given his personal issues and my pushing him so hard in the end, but I don’t want to wait too long to where there’s no chance at reconciliation again. How long should I wait to contact?
3. What is the best way and type of message to send him when the period is over?
4. If he contacts me during NC and I don’t respond, do I start the NC clock over again?

Thank you,
JS

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 4, 2016 at 10:41 am

Hi Js,

your comments have been going to spam.. Dont worry, I haven’t replied because I haven’t reached yours yet.

Stay active in posting on social media, make it public. So, that even if he used any account he will see it. After this, if you get back together erase your messages before. Dont reply right ahead if he texts..unless he says he wants you back..if you didn’t respond, you dont have to restart the count.. Do 30 days..

gerala

December 3, 2016 at 6:40 pm

ok so if i’m dfeeling

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 4, 2016 at 2:14 pm

Hi Gerala,

what are you feeling?

Leana

December 3, 2016 at 1:42 am

Recently reconnected with my ex who broke up with me 6 months ago. He texted out of the blue and asked how things were going. Said he still loves me and that I am beautiful and wonderful. Then he asked if I wanted to start talking again. I still have some feelings for him so I agreed.

He calls once a week but mostly we text. For usually 2 days a week he spends all evening texting. I started noticing after 2 weeks of this he would just suddenly ghost from some conversations. Like not reply to what I asked or said. I would wait a day or two but because nothing came I just went ahead and sent him a text. He always answers fairly quickly and we text for a while.

It is sort of on and off with the consistency. I realize people work and have other things going on in their lives but someone it feels like a game or something. I always say I have to go when I am done with a conversation so the person is not left hanging and waiting.

I am not sure what to do. I brought it up with him once before and he said sorry but would just go right back to ghosting a text conversation.

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 3, 2016 at 3:38 pm

Hi Leana,

did he say why? Do you want to try the no contact rule?

Gina

December 1, 2016 at 10:35 pm

Hello people. I need some advice.
I broke up with my bf 4 weeks ago. After 3 years together. He texted me for the past weeks but I didn’t see him work hard to get us back together. I got so sick and tired from his pointless text that I changed my number. I hoped that now he could really start missing me and work hard to get in touch with me. He has no social media and I blocked my own accounts. I’m wondering.. Do you guys think he will try to reach out? He knows where I live, he has my parents phone numbers.

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 2, 2016 at 4:51 pm

Hi Gina,
why did you break up?

Jane

November 30, 2016 at 4:11 pm

After dating 2 years and talk of marriage, he broke up with me. After 8 months not talking and having another girlfriend, he came back. We make progress slowly, then he starts seeing the same girl again along with me, claiming he’s stuck and can’t figure out what’s best for him.
Things progress between us a GREAT deal since then. We go on a trip with friends. We have a fantastic time together. Things are looking really great and I can tell he still loves me. After the trip he’s wonderful for maybe a week then starts fading away again. After a month I have to know what’s going on and ask if he made his decision or if he’s still stuck?
He tell me to do what’s best for me. He’ll be happy for me if I move on. He doesn’t see a future with me, he hasn’t forgiven my mom for no accepting him in the first place, he’s not financially able to support anyone at this time. Because he didn’t see a future with me (or the other girl), he went and gave his first time to someone else after our trip, and she’s pregnant. He tells me maybe I don’t love him, maybe it’s just infatuation because he showed me more attention than anyone else at the time. His phone dies, and he doesn’t try calling back or texting. So I text saying he knows that isn’t true, that it’s love. That I won’t fight for him this time since he doesn’t want me to, and anything after this is up to him.
He sounds terrible breaking it down like that.. but he’s not. I feel like he gave his first time to someone else because of depression about his whole situation. Will NC still work on this situation? If so how long should I do it?? If he has a baby on the way… He’s just so stubborn! I can’t see him talking to me even after NC because of this situation. I sound pathetic I know. But I truly love him.

Jane

December 3, 2016 at 1:30 am

If after the 45 days I still want to try to get him back, it would still be okay for me to contact him first? Even though I said anything after this was up to him?
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 3, 2016 at 3:34 pm

Actually, the more pressing matter is his baby.. Wmif he decides to be just a father and not a partner to the other girl then slowly build rapport..
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 30, 2016 at 10:27 pm

Hi Jane,

there’s not guarantee that the no contact rule will work but if you will do it, do at least 45 days..

Susie

November 29, 2016 at 11:20 pm

Hi.. i have to have contact cause of 3 small kids.. i cut him off from the phone. If we talk its through text. Im short to the point and always about kids. Pic of kids n so on. We live in different cities. When he calls i simply pass the phone to the kids. They talk.. then he asks to speak to me i hang the phone up. He calls i dont answer he texts n says i need to talk to u. Call me. Or im on my lunch let me talk to u. I dont reply. What do i do. Keep it like this? Oh n by the way he has a so called girlfriend from Facebook she lives far from him. But they have been in contact off n on for 5 years.

Chris Seiter

November 30, 2016 at 1:35 am

Hi there Susie!

Seems like you are approaching no contact the right way. Now, I want to say that this isn’t a forever type of a deal.

Eventually you can talk to him again.

How long have you made your no contact?

India

November 25, 2016 at 12:15 am

Hi, my ex broke up with me just coming up 3 months ago, he ignored me and was horrible at first but then started talking to me again. I never sucseeed at the no contact rule and we chatted, met up, slept together on different occasions. We never didn’t speak or at least contact in some tiny way for more than 2 days. Now I’m here, a day ago a met with him as he wanted to meet me and we spoke about things and he told me that he didn’t want to get back together, obv still wanted to sleep with me and be friends with benfits, he told me I was horrible in the relationship and I can admit I was to some extent but he was too and we never cheated etc just argued about stupid things and I don’t think he trusted me but I really don’t know why and it hurt me a lot. But yer I really just need some advice on what to do now, I really do want him back and to try again but I’m worried I’ve left it too long and he openly told me he was texting someone but it was just a friend and she annoys him because she always texts him but my gut tells me that’s probly not the case and he got mad when I kept asking questions. I feel Like an idiot, I just really need some advice on what to do to get him back. I’m also going away for a long weekend in a week witch he knows about and I’m worried that if I’m doing no contact he will get mad and say he won’t speak to me again etc and do it back to me. I’m worried that’s going to push him away further because it’s nearly been 3 months
Thankyou

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 27, 2016 at 11:33 am

Hi India,

first, stop sleeping with him. Second, do you want to restart the count for no contact rule? I think you should do 45 days..

India

November 25, 2016 at 12:11 am

Hi, my ex broke up with me just coming up 3 months ago, he ignored me and was horrible at first but then started talking to me again. I never sucseeed at the no contact rule and we chatted, met up, slept together on different occasions. We never didn’t speak or at least contact in some tiny way for more than 2 days. Now I’m here, a day ago a met with him as he wanted to meet me and we spoke about things and he told me that he didn’t want to get back together, obv still wanted to sleep with me and be friends with benfits, he told me I was horrible in the relationship and I can admit I was to some extent but he was too and we never cheated etc just argued about stupid things and I don’t think he trusted me but I really don’t know why and it hurt me a lot. But yer I really just need some advice on what to do now, I really do want him back and to try again but I’m worried I’ve left it too long and he openly told me he was texting someone but it was just a friend and she annoys him because she always texts him but my gut tells me that’s probly not the case and he got mad when I kept asking questions. I feel so stupid even writing this message I just really need some advice on what to do to get him back.
Thankyou

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 27, 2016 at 11:33 am

Hi India,

first, stop sleeping with him. Second, do you want to restart the count for no contact rule? I think you should do 45 days..

Shattered

November 24, 2016 at 8:38 pm

Hi,

I’ve posted on here before.
My boyfriend of ten months and I were trying to work things out, because he was unsure of our future due to cultural and religious differences. He was making more of an effort with me up until a few days ago..he found out he may not get permanent residency here in Australia unless he moves to another state for three years..even then it’s not guaranteed. He first of all said we needed some time and he couldn’t see me right now cos it was too hard..I refused to accept this due to high emotions and begged him to try. I said we would find a way together, even if I moved with him and he kept saying “I can’t take you with me, this is fate” blah blah. He made me feel guilty for falling in love with him after 5 months into our relationship and wasn’t the compassionate loving person I fell for. I ended up deleting his number and said unless he’s gonna contact me to try with us to not contact me again.

My question Amor/Chris, is How does No contact work if they came up with it on their own? How can you make it work in your favour? He’s made it clear his life is in turmoil and he can’t speak with me right now and I’m not sure if time will give him reason to miss me enough to find a solution since I’m willing, or confirm his decision was right.

Please help.

Shattered

November 29, 2016 at 3:54 am

But he still has my phone number, is that good enough? Like he can contact me on that. Also as I was putting his stuff in the bin, there was a car identical to his outside my apartment building and although I couldn’t see clearly due to the tinted glass…I could see a person smoking(he smokes). Then once I put the stuff in the rubbish the car was gone. It may not have been him, but there’s a lot of similarities and he knows I have this particular day off.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 29, 2016 at 7:48 pm

Yeah, that’s alright. But make your posts public.. Let’s say that’s not him, so you don’t expect much and not over think
Shattered

November 27, 2016 at 7:15 pm

Yes but the problem is, he won’t know if I’ve improved myself because as part of NC I blocked his Facebook and deleted his phone number. The only way he can contact me is if he does the calling/texting or tries to visit me.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 28, 2016 at 6:45 pm

You need to unblock him. Just dont send a friend request.. If you cant unblock him now, make your posts public..
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 27, 2016 at 9:55 am

Hi Shattered,

The only way it can help increase your chances is if you improve yourself. So, in that way, if he sees you’ve moved on, doesn’t care, and improving, it can increase the chances of him regretting leaving you.

Ariana

November 24, 2016 at 7:54 pm

My bf of six months broke up with me last week. When we started our relationship he said he wasn’t ready for a serious committed relationship. When I found this out I decided to walk away, but he didn’t want to let me go and decided to give it a go. After that initial conversation our relationship was perfect! He became extremely committed and loving, we traveled together and never ever fought. We were going through a period of long distance (3 months), we made it through a month before I started feeling like we were drifting apart. I tried to push a conversation and to understand whether he wanted me to come and be with him for a while during the time that he had to be away. During this conversation he revealed that he very much wanted me to be there but that it wouldn’t work out financially. I got the impression that he didn’t necessarily want me there. Eventually he said that although he loved me very much he felt that I was in a different place in the relationship than he, that in a few months I would want to get married and he wasn’t ready for that and that he felt trapped. That although our relationship has been perfect he didn’t want to be in a committed relationship anymore. So we called it quits. The next day he wrote to me to see how I was and to let me know that he wanted me to know that I will always be a part of him and he will forever remember the things we’ve experienced together, and that he hoped I would be able to stay in his life but not on a romantic level. The next day I told him that I would not be just friends with him. I haven’t heard from him since, More than anything I want him to change his mind and say he wants me back. I feel like if it weren’t for the distance this would have never happened. I was feeling insecure in the relationship while he was gone and maybe became needy and clingy. What do I do??? Is there any way to change his mind??

Ariana

December 2, 2016 at 1:41 pm

Still holding strong with no contact (week and a half in).
He recently contacted me a few days ago saying we could speak the next day if I wanted. I never expressed any desire to speak with him and made it clear despite his intention that we stay friends that I was not interested in that and that there was nothing left to say on the matter. Why would he want to speak? Should I still continue no cotact? He’s not a competitive person and doesn’t like competitions, what if he doesn’t try contacting me again?
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 2, 2016 at 7:38 pm

He probably wont out if respect but if he’s just going to friendzone you in that talk, dont respond.. If he really wants you back, he’ll say it..
Ariana

November 27, 2016 at 1:55 pm

Thanks Amor for your response.
He actually did contact me the next day to tell me how important I was to him and that he hoped we could maintain some sort of communication, but that he thinks breaking up was the right decision.
I have not responded as I am trying to complete the 30 day of NC.
Do you think there is a chance that these 30 days will make a difference to his opinion? I have already read the article you suggested.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 28, 2016 at 5:48 pm

I think so.. Increase it by improving yourself while he will still miss you
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 26, 2016 at 10:41 pm

Hi Ariana,

It’s good that you’re staying strong now in not contacting him.. Check this one:
What Makes An Ex Boyfriend Change His Mind About The Breakup?

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