The Female Mind During The No Contact Rule

143 thoughts on “The Female Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Eliz

November 23, 2016 at 5:02 am

I was in a relationship with him for 7 years but we are actually childhood friends. So basically, I have been knowing him for more than 15 years. After being together for 1.5 years, I moved to another country due to work and family commitment. So we were actually in LDR most of the time for this entire relationship but we were very good, we made efforts to meet often, we planned trips and so on. He loves me but things changed when you know, in LDR, I am always emotional and I will say hurtful words like breaking up, I don’t need you, I am independent, please let me go etc., all the nonsense. He has been very patience and always give me assurance about our future. We have plan that I will return after we get married. But he just recently asked for breaking up (in fact, it is the very 1st time he asked for it) after our last argument in which i cried and begged for letting me go. Things are more complicated because I think he is also seeing someone else. I am very very upset because I feel like I am the one that pushes him away and now I regret for all the words I have said. I want him back so much, I want another chance to work things out between us. I am on this NC rule. He is not texting me though. I do not know what should I do or what I can do to win his heart back.

Eliz

December 9, 2016 at 5:27 am

You are right, the more ppl against it, the more rebellious he would be, so I am really not doing anything right now. Just healing myself and at the same time, his family leave it to his family to look after him. Even though I am very disappointed to see the changes in him, I am still having faith that he will wake up one day. He has been such a good man. Do you mean I should take the initiative to talk to him again after 45 days of NC?
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 12, 2016 at 7:21 pm

Yeah, but by then he should think that you’re starting to move on, that you have changed so that he would think you’re just being friendly
Eliz

December 6, 2016 at 12:15 am

Yes, I have read that. My heart is broken into pieces, i thought during this NC period, he would’ve regretted or started to miss me but I still see his pictures with his friends and that girl on FB hanging out. I feel like I do not have any chance anymore! Even his family is against it too, he just doesn’t listen to anyone. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 9, 2016 at 1:45 am

Well, the no contact rule is just to help increase the chances, and the change has to be continued even after it. They can be in a honeymoon phase too and the more that other people will be against his decision, the more he will try to prove it, like rebelling. And the fact that you’ve known in each for a long time, it’s just not realistic for him to think you have changed just after 30 days.. But at some point, if you haven’t initiated, you have to try to initiate too. If you want, do it after 45 days of no contact.
Eliz

November 26, 2016 at 3:03 am

I know many of you will think that it is not worth getting him back if he has changed or he is seeing someone else already. But I know how much he loved me, I asked for letting me go when we last argued and he must be too guilty to face me too, that was why he made such decision. He told me that it could probably be better for both of us.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 27, 2016 at 7:58 pm

I think you need to check this one:
The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends
Eliz

November 26, 2016 at 2:55 am

No, we are not contacting each other at all. I know that he is seeing someone (before we broke up) because I found out that he has been hanging out closely with a female friend and I even saw their pictures in his phone. I am trying to improve myself but I can’t even concentrate on my work. I miss him and I love him so much that I do not want to give up on us.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 25, 2016 at 7:49 pm

HI eliz

what do you mean that he is seeing someone else? You kept in touch even after breaking up? Are you actively improving yourself?

Lianne

November 23, 2016 at 12:27 am

I need some help with no contact when we are both members of a very active social circle.

He broke up with me a few weeks ago saying he had a ‘gut feeling’ but couldnt (or wouldnt) elaborate further. He is receiving treatment for depression and ADD, but I have no way of knowing if that had anything to do with it. Honestly we had been having so much fun together, laughing, sharing vulnerable details about each other and the sex was pretty incredible. So this all came a bit out of nowhere for me.

The big problem is all the friends we share, I need my friends right now and want to spend time with them. But he will be doing the same. How do I deal with a no contact period if I bump into him in person during?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 24, 2016 at 9:35 pm

Hi Lianne,

foes your friends know the situation? Talk to them so they would understand why you’re avoiding your ex

Astrid

November 22, 2016 at 10:44 pm

I started NC as feom this Sunday at 3pm when I left our home with the last of my things. As I backed out of the drive he stayed standing there, looking after me. Before NC I did everything I shouldn’t have done but his break up with me hurt brutally and (3 months ago)…I am so confused by him…why did he bother sending me a bday text 1 month after our breakup if before then he was angriöy demanding the house key back? Why, when this past Friday we were unexpectedly at the same function did he immediately come to me (I was with a male friend at the time, talking) and give me a huge hug and three cheek kisses? Why, when on Sunday before I left did he sit next to me on the couch and, when I told him I preferred to see this as a break (our relationship had been largely wonderful both physically and emotionally) and that we needed to re-find ourselves by simply dating again ( we met and 3 months later were together as a couple and lost the romance) did he answer ‘no reponse required now’ to which I said ‘no’…Sorry for this long post but I have been trying to sleep and had the most horrible nightmare in which he told me we were definitely done. It felt so real. I need help.

Astrid

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 24, 2016 at 7:52 pm

Hi Astrid,

start the nc count at Monday, the day after you last talked to him. Anf be active in improving yourself.. And did you mean your relationship lasted 3 months?

Mia

November 22, 2016 at 4:35 pm

What about a friends with benefits situation. Is there a possibility of getting him back (by following no contact, improving oneself), changing the benefits to a relationship even if he moved on and met someone else?

Pam

November 23, 2016 at 3:07 pm

Don’t do this to yourself
I know you won’t listen. I didn’t. Mine flatly refuses to consider a relationship even after much I love yous over 5 years. He is now more comfortable with the fst old lady (and I mean 55 and horrible) than me because she doesn’t care. Or she is delusional too. It will hurt. Get out
Now. My advice from personal experience. I am pretty much destroyed.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 23, 2016 at 2:00 am

Hi Mia,

I think there’s a chance since you had a long history but he will likely come back to be friends with benefits again if their relationship didn’t work out or if they hit a rough patch.
Dont ever be friends with benefits again.. Start slowly as just friends first

Honey

November 22, 2016 at 4:03 pm

Hello Chris
Thanks for helping millions of women go through breakups. You really are a blessing.

After my breakup Aug6 I went into NC, after three days into nc he tried contacting me , I didn’t reply, he kept trying to get in touch no reply from my end.till October 1st which happens to be my birthday he sent a birthday message and I said ‘thank you ” . Note I was into nc from (Aug 6-Oct 1) after the birthday message didn’t hear from him until a week after,he sent a message asking how long am I going to keep ignoring him and wanted to know If he should stop keeping in touch and I said absolutely and that was it , didn’t hear from him until 0ctober24 he showed up at my house and wanted to know if we could work things out and that he missed me bla bla bla but I told him we should work on ourselves and that I want a serious relationship and obviously he isn’t ready for that and he said he will work on himself and I said yes we should work on ourselves and after the two hours conversation in front of My gate he wanted to kiss me but i refused and said we should give it time . Honestly i was scared of being intimate and then he ghost off again I needed to be sure. After that he hasn’t showed any sign of seriousness like calling me and texting me about wanting us back Aside the usual “hi ,”how was your day “…… tomorrow 23rd Nov is His birthday should I text him or just ignore. I normally send him message at dawn say 11:59 but right now I don’t know where we stand and i don’t want to look needy or desperate so I am thinking of calling late on His birthday say 10pm what do you think ?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 24, 2016 at 5:47 pm

Hi honey,
maybe he wants to work k
on himself and he’s gauging if he can be sweet before being investing more effort.. Yes, it would be faster to not greet him at 11:59 pm

Frederico

November 22, 2016 at 5:03 am

Love this post. A really fun read, but so helpful with all the advice and links. It is so true, the part that compares getting over an Ex to a drug addiction. Knowing this can really help one to understand the difficulty of staying “true” to the No Contact rule. But with that realization, it brings to life that stuff you talk about with regard to the Holy Trinity. Like you say, one has to do more than just “distract” oneself. One has to to make the time away from the Ex really count by rebuilding and expanding one’s life.

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 24, 2016 at 3:53 pm

I AGREE! 🙂

Britt

November 22, 2016 at 2:48 am

Hi, I commented on another post the other day but I can’t see it anywhere so just thought I’d try again after reading this one.

So my ex and I broke up around 6 weeks ago after a period of him telling me he wanted time on his own because of depression and not feeling ready for our relationship, even though he was saying he saw us married and that if we didn’t stop seeing each other now than he was worried things would get bad and we’d break up anyway. I protested and was extremely upset about this, and things got out of control and we decided to just break up instead of taking a break.

We didn’t speak for 2 weeks after the break up while he was away for work, but one day I felt weak and depressed and needed to tell him how I felt so I contacted him. He got agitated and said that if I really cared about him I would leave him alone to let him heal, that he wasn’t thinking about the future or getting back together and to leave him alone. But in the same conversation he said that he hadn’t stopped loving me.

This is confusing because a week later he had a female friend stay at his house from another city and it made me wonder whether they had slept together or not. Recently his friends have been tagging him in posts with the girl that have made me think maybe something is going on between them even though he had said he hadn’t stopped loving me and didn’t want a relationship. Now I’m in the fourth week of no contact after our last conversation and am planning on getting in touch with him soon, but I’ve been thinking all the things mentioned in this post and about the possibility of there being another girl that I’m worried he will just reject me or say he’s seeing her.

He consistently has been looking at my Instagram and Snapchat over the NC period, so I’m wondering why he’d still look at my stuff if he’s seeing someone new or not interested in contacting me? I’ve been trying really hard to become an “ungettable girl” and I have been feeling really confident about myself, but thinking about someone else replacing me gets me down.

I’m super confused at the moment with what I’ve been seeing, even though I’ve unfollowed him and his friends from Facebook so I don’t see their posts and comments. I’d really appreciate some advice or an opinion on my situation!!

Thanks!

Britt

December 4, 2016 at 12:20 pm

Hey Amor sorry to comment again

I messaged him again the next day making conversation about a game we both like that is coming out soon, and he just never responded and hasn’t even opened the message. I know this isn’t game over but its confusing that he was friendly one day and just ignores me the next. How long do I wait until I try to initiate contact again, if I should at all?
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 5, 2016 at 9:59 am

It’s ok.. You can ask anytime.. Rest for 3-5 days for now..if he initiates, you can reply
Britt

December 1, 2016 at 1:28 pm

Hey Amor, I ended up contacting my ex today and he was surprisingly pretty receptive. I just sent him a text about a game we both like and he replied quickly. I first left the message read for an hour and a half and then messaged him to end the conversation saying I was at work and was busy and to have a good night. And he responded by continuing the conversation we were having, so after I got home I responded and we sent 2 more messages back and forth but now he has gone quiet but hasn’t read my message yet. I tried to end the conversation twice by not responding and then sending a nice response so I think I showed some power over him there but now I’m a little worried he’d be dominanting me by him now not responding? I do really want to look strong and not desperate in his eyes and I hope I did that a little by being busy and not bothered to respond to him right away.
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 2, 2016 at 12:32 am

If he didn’t respond, just don’t follow up. Initiate again the next day.
Britt

November 24, 2016 at 12:45 pm

Hi Amor

I’ve just found out that this other girl is coming back over to where we live soon for some reason, and I guess will be staying with my ex again as far as I know. Should I still pursue building up rapport with my ex while she might be around? I’m worried we’ll start talking and then they’ll be hanging out so my ex won’t want to speak with me while she’s here.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 26, 2016 at 7:54 pm

as the cliche says, cross the bridge when you get there. And you can’t control them, you can only control yourself, so, yes, build rapport. If you’re ex doesn’t want to speak with you so, be it. That’s when you either rest or move on.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 22, 2016 at 12:08 pm

Hi Britt,

let’s say he got bored with the relationship.. That doesnt mean he totally have lost all feelings and that doesnt mean he wont get curious about you. He may think the new girl is a grass is greener case but what’s more important is that you improve.. If you’re doing that, good. He has to think you’re moving on or has moved on so that he would be open to being friends again…

Kris

November 22, 2016 at 12:15 am

My boyfriend and I broke up after seven months very calmly, no fighting, and no prior fights. He basically got overwhelmed emotionally which brought up unconscious fears and withdrew as a protective mechanism. I agreed we should take a break, as I felt anything I said at this point would make him feel pressure, and I felt would do more harm.
I knew I could not contact him. If he never called me again, I would have never contacted him, as I’m just not the type to chase. He would have to come back on his own or it was over, and I had to come to terms with that, as hard as it was.
I grieved and really made my feelings surface so I could move on faster. I also prayed and sent him love energy and tried to open up my heart chakra and live in unconditional love in my life in general and to all people, including myself. I meditated on unconditional love, opening heart chakra, and learned to really love myself, forgive, etc.
I worked out. Hard!! (Feel good endorphins!), lost ten pounds, bought new clothes, made myself do stuff with friends and coworkers. Took care of my two young children. I thought about my ex a lot!! It was very hard! I really missed him and had no bad memories to help get over him.
I think 30 days is actually not long enough, from other research I read. I was going to give 8 weeks, then if he didn’t call, try to run into him somewhere, so he could at least see me one more time, sweet, thinner, happy, and feminine in a nice fitting but not slutty dress. Then if that didn’t work, move on.
Since I knew I personally was not forward enough to call or text and wanted him to value me by working to get me back.
It was almost eight weeks exactly and he called!! He said he missed me, was thinking about me, hoped me and kids were ok, etc. he would like to take me out on a date!! I acted happy but calm, said I would like that. The first two dates, I only gave myself a couple hours, so I couldn’t do anything I regret or rush back into something. I was going to just keep it light and fun, so if it ended, he’d only have good things to remember. He really opened up to me after second date. Said he was scared, knew he was too independant sometimes and didn’t need to be like that, but had kind of built a wall, so he wouldn’t get hurt!! I was astounded how self aware and open he was. I told him it really took a strong man to admit all that, and I respected him for being able to share that. We talked more. I didn’t want him to get too overwhelmed emotionally again, so I paced him, didn’t let him see me as much as he wanted but was always loving and happy when we were together. I feel like now we are even closer!!
I hope this gives others hope. He needed that time to miss me, realize what he was losing, and get over feeling pressured/overwhelmed/scared. I needed that time to work on myself. We’re both at much better place, but it was very hard! Don’t give up!!

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 24, 2016 at 1:47 pm

Hi kris,

thank you so much for sharing! Congratulations! That’s right, take it slow!

Annie

November 21, 2016 at 11:57 pm

Hi Chris – I’ve purchased TXB programmes. My situation sadly is 38yrs married, my Ex had an affair, we separated 3 years ago, I had just nursed my mother through cancer she sadly lost her battle after just 8 weeks from Diagnosis – he immediately told me he wasn’t coming back , bombarded me with phone calls (daily) I started Divorce proceeding this year and he stopped all contact – I never stopped loving my Ex, unfortunately I didn’t have access to programmes like yours and all I ever did st the beginning was Beg him to come back – We have had no contact for nearly 12 months but recently I sent a text about house maintenance – he IMMEDIATELY rang, it was a very calm conversation – he agreed to my request – then the following 2 weeks he has text me but I haven’t replied – the first text was just polite/matter of fact the second started with Hi Anne and he signed off too – I haven’t replied because I started the programme. This may seem rediculous to you after all this time – but I have NEVER stopped loving him and always wanted him back – could I be reading too much into the text – COULD I EVER get him back? Kind Regards Anne

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 24, 2016 at 12:24 pm

Hi Annie,

it would be better if you dont jump into conclusions and just focus in improving yourself..take this as a restart and then be your best self,then take it slow in building rapport

Mia

November 21, 2016 at 5:57 pm

I was in a friends with benefits relationship for 7 years. He made the decision to date and when he initially sent the text after I suspected something he said he was set up on a date and it went well. I reacted quickly and responded “Thanks for letting me know and I wish you all the best.”
After having time to process what he said I felt I needed to take the high road. I sent him a text that I felt hurt and rejected when he said he was interested in dating. I told him I was truly happy for him, it was sad to say goodbye and I already missed the way he could make me laugh.
He replied with a new explanation that his co-workers set him up on a dating site. He stated I knew he was miserable and happy being alone. After giving in and talking to a few ladies he ended up on a date. He said she is a really good lady, they both match up very well and have similar lives over the last 10-11 years (we are in our late 40s) and are quite happy (this was stated after knowing her for 2 weeks). They are Facebook official after 1 month of dating.
I have not had any contact with him since he told me the above via text message 2 weeks ago. I had started the process of living the most fabulous life I can live and I am very positive about the progress I have made and the direction I want to go. Is there any possibility to rebuild the friendship and turn it into a relationship?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 23, 2016 at 2:00 am

Hi Mia,

I think there’s a chance since you had a long history but he will likely come back to be friends with benefits again if their relationship didn’t work out or if they hit a rough patch.
Dont ever be friends with benefits again.. Start slowly as just friends first

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143 thoughts on “The Female Mind During The No Contact Rule”