How To Get Him Back After A Year (Or More) Apart- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

494 thoughts on “Getting Him Back After A Year (Or More) Apart”

Chloe

February 27, 2017 at 7:39 am

Hi, my ex and I broke up 10 months ago. 3 nights ago, he texted to ask me about something (what he asked me is not relevant with the issue) – and then the mood suddenly changed. He then started to tell me how I’ve become so mean to him which gave him an opportunity to ask me if I am still mad at him. I told him I’m still mad, but I immediately said I was joking. After that, he said sorry. He said he was sorry for what he has done to me before and for not saying sorry immediately. I told him that it’s already okay. The whole thing was unexpected. However, that night, when I fell asleep, I dreamt about him – I dreamt about my ex-boyfriend. I’ve been dreaming about him for nights since the day he texted me. Then somehow, I realize that I think I might still love him despite the pain he has caused me 10 months ago… And ever since that night, he never texted me again… Do you think I still love him? Or am I just in great shock that we talked again?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 27, 2017 at 7:30 pm

HI Chloe,

Hmm.. I can’t answer if you still love him, because you know yourself more than other people. Give yourself more time so, you can reflect.

Rika

February 4, 2017 at 6:47 am

Hi! I need advice regarding my situation. I met a guy online and we quickly hit it off. We went on several amazing dates before I found out he has a girlfriend. He previously insisted he was single so I agreed on dating him. When I confronted him about it, he apologized and said he lied to me because he only wanted to be friends at first until he fell in love with me and couldn’t tell me the truth anymore for fear that I’d leave him. So I forgave him and things became better again. He promised he’ll break up with his girlfriend so we continued dating. He really broke up with his girlfriend and moved out of the house they’re sharing. After his breakup, I told him I’d give him space to take care of his emotions. We didn’t meet for about a month but continued texting and calling. Then when over a month has passed, i asked him how he’s feeling and how’s his schedule. He said he’s becoming fine as well as his schedule. One day, I got frustrated that he’s not asking me on a date again so I sent him a message saying if he doesn’t want to meet me anymore, then I might as well start forgetting him. He didn’t reply to that message but replied to the next unrelated message I sent two days later. Since then, I felt he has become cold and distant. He would still reply to me but it was several days late. He also didn’t reply to some of my messages. I felt hurt about it. I told him if he wants to end things then just say it to me. He replied that he’s aware he’s been acting bad to me. He apologized for causing me pain and said we have to talk. I forgave him but he repeated that behavior. I got so pissed off that he’s not making an effort to arrange a meeting with me and that he’s continuing to blow me off. So, I felt because he crossed my boundaries, it might be time to pull away. I sent him a long email which was all positive. I thanked him for the memories and that this pain is too much for me so I will have to pull away to have time to heal. I wrote I can’t be friends with him right now but surely, I’ll reach out to him in the future. He didn’t respond to that. What do you think of my situation? Was I wrong?

Bri

March 28, 2017 at 7:00 am

Me and my ex got together when we had both just turned 17 (19 almost 20 now) and things became seriously very quickly in our relationship . 2 months into it we were already living together and spending every minute of every day together . He was and still is my best friend . Things were perfect between us no matter how hard our lives were , he even completely got me to stop self harming (I have severe depression and have been going to therapy for years for it but no therapist seemed to help). Our relationship lasted a little over a year before things started falling apart . We were living in our car for most of our relationship but eventually his parents let us move in together , and I then became pregnant (unfortunately had a miscarriage) . We had previously talked about our future and he had always said that one day we will get married and he wants me to be his wife , but he wanted us to enjoy being together and have fun and be young while we still had the chance which was totally understandable . But when I had told him I was pregnant things changed . he started going out leaving me home alone all the time and I started hearing that he was cheating on me with MULTIPLE girls (before we got together everyone told me he was a man whore but I never had a problem with him cheating until this point) . Eventually I made a huge mistake sleeping with his friend after the loss of my baby . After that we had broken up and haven’t been together for a year and a half . We were and still spend every day together (we did the NCR for about two months but still came back in each others lives) . about 6 months ago though he got into a relationship with another girl who is 15 , which is disgusting to me , but the whole time they were together he was still spending most of his time with me and having frequent sex . I didn’t even know about her until valentines day . he’s still with her but tells me every day that he loves me and still wants me but that he can’t trust me for being with a few of his friends (while we weren’t talking) . I love my best friend and I love the connection we have no matter what the label is on us we still act like we are together . How can I get him to want me back and to leave her without making him feel like I’m forcing him into it ? Because at the end of the day I want him happy regardless . Thank you so much for the help and sorry its long !
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 29, 2017 at 9:59 am

Hi Bri,

You have to put yourself first. What you allow is what will happen. You’re friends with benefits now. So, you have to stop that and start to build yourself and your life. If he really is serious about you, he has to work on being a better person before getting back with and that is the same with yourself. Put yourself first, value yourself because that way you would know how to set limits.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 4, 2017 at 1:43 pm

Hi Rika,

nope, you voiced out your concern and he still didn’t change

Cynder

January 29, 2017 at 1:40 am

Hey Amor, so I had posted one of these in late December so if you need background info it will be there:)

So after no contact for 36 days I’m really stuck on what to do since I believe my situation is very difficult. So I see my ex 5 times a week. And I really have no way of contacting him via social media or text message : only in person. If I do try and contact him via social media I think if it ends coldly it will be awkward when I see him in the 5 days that I do . And after that conversation we had in December I think it will be awkward no matter what.
The other girl that I mentioned it does make me think it will affect my chances of speaking to him. Once again they haven’t spoken in person before (even though now they have 5 days a week and 7 hours to do so lol) but they still tag each other in stuff. I think he’s interested him her as he likes all her photos on Instagram and hearted one on Facebook. Idk if it’s just being super friendly but I feel it’s going to affect my situation.
So my question is how do I begin rapport with him again? If I can speak to him via social media what can I say that won’t make him think I’m desperate? And if that doesn’t work out how can I speak to him in person without it being awkward? Thanks

Cynder

February 18, 2017 at 5:38 am

Hey Amor, it’s been only two weeks, it seems like a short time but a lot has changed.

So the girl that I mentioned before . I’m positive my ex likes her unfortunately. They walk around and talk together sometimes. And they have a ‘thing’ with each other. They however aren’t going to the event together . But my ex is going with someone else

The event that I mentioned earlier I got asked by my ex’s best friend . I agreed as we were going as friends. But he ended up leading me on and asking 2 girls at the same time. So it did create some tension. As my ex did care a bit.

So after all those problems I decided to talk to my ex in person after class. He was enthusiastic and talked positive . He wasn’t rude at all. I apologised to him for the tension with his friend which he replied ‘yeah just don’t worry about it’ and walked off. His best friend talked to me saying ‘I heard you talked to (my ex) he doesn’t really give a sh*t’ . Im not sure if he said that since he’s mad at me or not. I don’t think speaking to him is going too well. He acknowledges me after I spoke to him . As in he would actually not avoid eye contact with me or act weird around me. I think I’m just stuck on what my next approach is
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2017 at 3:27 pm

it’s either you slowly greet him more and then talk later on or move on..
Cynder

February 2, 2017 at 10:30 am

I also have an update… after 17 months of blocking me, my ex has just suddenly unblocked me on Facebook . I’m now so confused
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 2, 2017 at 5:39 pm

that’s good..the event is too far from now. By then if you’re not talking, you should look like you’ve moved on and greatly improved ..
Cynder

February 1, 2017 at 8:43 pm

So the event is in May 27th ; a lot of people are talking about it now due to payments and stuff. And yes I am going i as thinking of it as a opportunity to talk to my ex- with all the people around .
Cynder

February 1, 2017 at 11:27 am

Hey, So today I made a really good decision to speak to my ex’s best friend who basically filled me in on everything and put all the pieces together

1. My ex still despises or hates me. And he will probably only talk to me in person if I apologise since he still thinks Ihavent changed
2. His friend explained that right now he’s going into a phase where he doesn’t want to be in a relationship but wants to just experience other girls
3. There’s like a semi-formal coming up and the reason why he is speaking to that girl is to ask her (which he hasn’t yet)

So his best friend suggested that I wait for a little while for his immature phase to go a way, approach him casually and apologise . And then he will realise that he doesn’t want to experience other girls. Because right now his friend thinks he won’t speak to me until I apologise or knows my side of the story.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 1, 2017 at 3:23 pm

When is the event and are you going too?
Cynder

January 30, 2017 at 9:47 am

So my ex’s best friend helps me sometimes and I do trust him and I was thinking of asking for his advice and help and just explaining that I made a mistake of talking to my ex without rapport. Do you think it be ok for him to help me talk to my ex as ‘friends’
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 30, 2017 at 3:19 pm

yes, just make sure that friend doesn’t tell your ex you want him back
Cynder

January 29, 2017 at 12:15 pm

Thank you for the reply:)That’s actually smart even though it’s simple I never thought of just smiling at him! I know now after past mistakes that the key is to not speak about feelings and rebuild rapport causally and slowly 🙂
Do you think I should say anything to him if things go well and he smiles back?

Also I’ve read on here that you can use mutual friends for some help. I have a friend who is moving to his friend group in a couple of days and he asked me if he could use that opportunity to help me?
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 29, 2017 at 1:58 pm

yes, you can talk to him of course.. you can use your friend as leverage too but just be careful.. dont over do it that it becomes obvious that they are helping you
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 29, 2017 at 11:24 am

Hi Cynder,

start building rapport in person.. start slowly, if you bump into each other smile.. you dont have control over the othet girl, so the best you can do is to keep improving yourself while you’re rebuilding rapport with your ex.. if he compares you to the old you, he has to think you’ve improved greatly..

Kate

January 15, 2017 at 7:53 pm

Hello!
Me and my ex were together for 3 years and broke up about 1 year ago. We were only 18 when we met and it was love at first sign, we got crazy in love and the passion was amazing. he was very immature, it was great at the beginning we were each other’s first love and we were really in love. About 6 months in our relationship the problems started, he always looked for attention from other girls(he did not cheat physical) but he flirted with girls. He broke up with me the first time but really saw his mistake and fought for me. We lateer broke up again because he was moving from the town we lived in (his highschool was done so he moved back to his parents)but we talked everyday and truly missed each other and when we saw each other the first time after that we realized we wanted to make it work distance to. I then got in to college in a town really close to his and was really happy, so we had a distance for a year and then he moved to my town to start collage as well. We lived together the first 6 ‘months in my student apartment which was a mistake because it was so small the fighting was truly everyday, and he started to hangout with his friends more and they were all single so he was very flirty at that period. We broke up again after 6 months and of course he also regretted his
Decision again and tried win me back again. Eventually We got together and he made so many promises he did fulfill in the beginning but when the summer time came I got a summer job at my hometown and he was left in our collagetown and he started to partying a lot and we did travel in the beginning of the summer which we were so in love but the rest of the summer we spent apart. When I got back for collage I moved in to his student apartment (because I rented mine during the summer and they couldn’t move out for another 5 months) , his student apartment was even smaller and this was a big mistake because we fought again and eventually he did break up with me again.
he couldn’t deal with the fighting any more, he loved me but he couldn’t be with me and wanted to be alone he said. I told him you cannot regret your decision again I will not get back with you one more time, and he said he understood that and we were not getting together anymore.
Of course he changed his mind again but this time I immediately after the break up started the No contact but I think I took it too far(because I was so hurt by him I really wanted him to suffer and truly this time realize so that this would not repeat again)
However I started seeing a really great guy only 2 months after the breakup and he also started seeing a girl. He got really jealous and showed it clearly and he chased me for about 6 months and I totally ignored him, refused his calls, texts, approaches in school, at the gym, everything. Eventually after that time passed I decided to let him talk and I got everything out from him, he hestarically cried begged me to give him a chance again, bought me flowers and really put him self out there, his approaches was to get me back but since I already have started seeing someone and my ex started to on purpose ruin mine relationship with the new guy I couldn’t go back. Even if that was what I wanted I needed him to want me More than just “the chase” as before because I wanted him only for forever Not just as a temporary boyfriend.
Due to things happend I had to remove him from all mine social media and blocked his number. He then stopped chasing me and got back with the girl he was seeing during that time and they traveled 2 months later together. I lived on my life with this new boyfriend but everyday I am thinking about my ex, he is the one I want because he was my true love(I know I only have written the negative parts and this sounds crazy but this would be so long and that is why I focused on that part since it is the most essential part here) I would not want to be with him if my relationship was only bad and harming me but I think he really took me for granted since I always came back and we were both very young when we met.
However now it has passed 6 montha since I blocked him and he was chasing me and he has traveled another 2 times with his new girl and he is really posting a lot!! Pictures of her and them together on social
Media, and he is doing just so much that he promised me and really looks like he has understood that he needs to grow up and treat a girl better than he did me. He is really trying to be a gentleman and show up his girl.
I think he did all this in the beginning to prove to me “look I have changed” but also for all the people he embarrassed himself trying to get me back and was rejected (since I was ignoring him for so long many of our friends knew all this thing happening so I understand it must be hard being rejected in hat way publicly)
However since I have not written him one single text or showed any signs of wanting him back he is still with his girlfriend and doing more and more things with her.
I have tried during this year, everyday to forget him and our love and move on and be happy with my new guy. But I have come to realization I can’t forget this. I truly believe we are meant to be (I understand this sound crazy but I don’t have the time to explain the good part about this so just trust me when i say I know he is my person, I just wish we had better circumstances and met in a more mature stage of our lives)
i have told my current boyfriend I need time alone, so we are on a break, but how do I go from here? How do I reach out to my ex when he seems happy with his current girlfriend and all there memories they have created during this year (I haven’t posted any pictures of me and my boyfriend and have not used him to make my ex jealous or make our relationship seem perfect, I didn’t want to do it to him since he is truly A great guy but I know I still love my ex)….
If I get completely single (because we will hear this from our mutual friends soon) do you think my ex will start chasing me again? Or be happy I am not with someone… If I get the “untangeble girl” do you think he will slowly start being interested again? Or do you think the best approach is to me to Be honest after some time has passed? I don’t know how to fix this complicated situation I don’t want to hurt either my boyfriend or his girlfriend but I just know we can make it work in a much maturer way if he still got love for me. He did however resently remove me from social media (I believe it was his girlfriend told him) and he has changed the gym we both were going to)
during his last 6 months I have only seen him maybe 4 times because I stopped going out and did everything not to see him, I saw him yesterday at his work and he smiled and was happy to see me so we do say hi when’s we see each other but I need to know how to fix this. Please help me do you see a solution what is the best thing to do:( please don’t just say i deserve better because i have better with my current boyfriend but I just can’t love somebody that isn’t him.
( we both only have 6 more months in school and I am starting to panic now about all the time I let pass and that it is only 6 months left to live in this time) we are however moving to the same time later but it is a big town not a small like this… and I dont know if he now is going to stay in this town for his work and girlfriend. I believe it must be a chance he still wants me back to but I don’t know his mind or feelings for his new girl…

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 16, 2017 at 5:38 pm

Hi Kate,

that’s good hat he smiles at you.. Dont be with somebody that you dont love. That’s absurd. If you can’t be with somebody you love then stay single..but with you and your ex..I think there’s a chance if you start being friendly again

Jessica

January 10, 2017 at 12:10 am

Hi EBR!

First of all, love your pages! Very helpful and insightful!

My ex and I were together for over 3 years when we met in college. We both graduated, he joined the military and we stayed together for about 9 months. After a certain amount of time, I wanted things to be a bit more serious and he was in the middle of changing careers within the Navy. I don’t believe he was ready for what I wanted so he broke up with me. We ended things very well, no bad blood. However, about a month or so later, I found out he started to date someone else almost a week or two after we broke. Even though it was a rebound, and they are no longer seeing each other as of today, it hurt a lot. So as soon as I found out, I told him off and told him never to speak to me or my family again. He has respectfully done so.

Since then it’s been about 7-8 months (I know this page says 1 year) and I would really like to reach out to him. I think about him every day and we had the world’s greatest relationship. I think he would agree to that statement. We were very good together.

How should I start to reach out to him? The last time we spoke, we ended things so nastily. Well, I was nasty to him. haha.

Jessica

January 13, 2017 at 10:57 pm

In terms of improvement, emotionally I’ve grown a lot. There is no more anger towards him. There still some sadness there, because I am no longer with the person I love but I’ve am trying to love myself first. I’m eating better, losing weight, hanging out with my friends, etc. I even went to Italy with my best friend after the breakup and it really helped me let go of the hard emotions I was feeling. I’m sure there’s some things I can still work on but I miss him. Everyone in college though he and I were going to make it all the way. He and I thought so too. But the long distance and pressure of getting more serious broke us.

Do you believe that I’m ready to reach out? Or should I wait a bit more and feel more confident in myself? If I do reach out, what should I say?
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 14, 2017 at 3:21 pm

Yeah, I think you can..Use what’s current that is interesting for him..
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 10, 2017 at 8:25 pm

The more important question is, how much you’ve improved. Because once you reach out, he will probably check your account. So, if he checks your posts, what will he see? Will he think you have moved on and improved? It’s easier to just send a message. You can either use a current topic or a current activity and then relate it to him. Like if it’s an activity he loves doing that you tried, or you bumped into a common friend and that person asked about him and then you wondered too how he is.

Iris

January 9, 2017 at 1:00 am

Hi Chris,

I broke up with my boyfriend one year ago due to the reason he didn’t love me a lot and I am a bit pushy and during no contact period, he did find me once through Instagram but he give up after I didn’t reply to him. After one year, I use the method above to contact him and we did meet up for three times, not really dated by him, but just a random meet. After three times, I asked him if he have ever thought of getting back together, but he answered me he is seriously not ready, and don’t know how long it will be, he say can be friends. After that, he didn’t find me for two weeks till now, what should I do now? I should give up or how can I continue because I already let him know I want him back 🙁 what can I do now?

Thanks the team

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 9, 2017 at 3:59 pm

Hi Iris,

I think as a last approach, make it seem that you have accepted that you wont get back with and then improve massively..aim.to be the ungettable girl and then when you start to rebuild rapport, make good memories, have fun..I think you should do at least 45 days-3 months of nc.. but if it doesn’t work after this, move on..

Pearl

December 31, 2016 at 2:04 pm

Hello EBR Team, I need your guidiance. Me and my ex have been dating for 2 years 6 months, its been 5 months since we broke up, he says he doesn’t love me anymore. Well in that 5 months we became friends with benefits – he initiated, well it happened but my feelings grew stronger for him, he still made it clear that he doesn’t love me anymore. I implemented the no contact the first time then he texited me on day 21 to ask for sex again. To cut the story short I fell for the trap again then re-implemented NC which I finished successfully and initiated first contact everythin went well until yesterday when I asked if there’s a chance to try again and he said that’ll never happen but he’ll still want to have sex for one more time – I refused and we fought about it. Now he’s angry with and I don’t know whether to give him time to calm down and initiate contact again maybe a week later or what. Please help me, thank you

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 1, 2017 at 6:53 pm

Hi Pearl,

how long did you do the second nc? How much did you improve and are you still improving yourself? and how long were you texting when you asked that? Right now, it’s very apparent that he sees you as friend with benefits only

Cynder

December 25, 2016 at 2:04 pm

After still liking him for 15 months I decided to talk to him. So after asking how he was on one of his posts he Dms me with ‘yeah?’. Uhh how do I reply to that?? So since I couldn’t start a casual conversation with him I told him I still like him. He said that he doesn’t want/need me, doesn’t like me, doesn’t have feelings for me, he doesn’t hate me and he’s done. Then rudely said “bye”. Ouch. I’ve been shattered for DAYYYSSS. I thought after a year he wouldn’t be that cold.

So he asks my mutual friends if they are friends with me and how I am? Smiles when I’m mentioned, and a month ago he told his friends he wanted to take me to the movies then he never ends up asking? WHAT THE HECKK

For a week he only started speaking to this girl he’s never met in person but she goes to the same school as us (just a year older). They don’t really message each other, he just legit spams her by tagging so many times in stupid funny posts. My friends tell me it’s annoyingly all over their newsfeed. I know it’s SO petty but it hurts. They say it looks like it annoys her since 2 days ago she stopped replying or liking the tags or messaging each other. I find it’s like one of those ‘you belong with me’ Taylor Swift moments haha. But god it hurts when you’d go through hell to hold his hand and he just plays with some other girl

But anyways, yeah I guess I completely blew it
I reckon he’s just one of those guys that you can’t really get over lol:/ . I think there’s a big part of me that doesn’t want to let him go. all those special memories I had with him I don’t want them to fade away. It hurts thinking I would be with him forever and it blows up in your face
Next time I see him will be in 3 weeks: 5 times a week since it’s Xmas holidays. My mum suggested to let time heal or small talk with him in person. what should I do? I really wish he know all the crap I’ve been through . But what is my next move ?

Cynder

December 30, 2016 at 8:04 am

Thank you for the suggestion ☺️. No they aren’t together yet. They are probably just friends and of course being a bit jealous I’m probably just overreacting. I’ll definitely come back if any complications occur. Thank you Amor and have a Happy New Year!
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 30, 2016 at 3:17 pm

You’re welcome! Happy new year too!
Cynder

December 29, 2016 at 11:49 am

I just like to point out that when I submit comment it disappears .. must be a website bug
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 30, 2016 at 5:22 am

You’re welcome! and thank you for informing us.. Focus in improving yourself.. as long as you’re the best version of yourself, you have fun talks with him, you can build rapport slowly even if there is another girl..and they’re not together yet right? check this for a first contact message:
Handling The First Time You Talk To Your Ex After The No Contact Rule (Live Coaching Session)
Cynder

December 28, 2016 at 12:43 pm

I also like to mention that I am a little worried about the girl he is speaking to that will decrease my chances and effect what I do. Sometimes he just tags her in random stuff . Some days he doesn’t text her but some days he does speak to her. I’m probably just overreacting as they are maybe just friends .
Cynder

December 28, 2016 at 12:38 pm

Hi Amor, firstly i really appreciate you replying to my message as I’ve been a bit stressed for some days
Yes I am ready to do no contact for 30-45 days (I don’t really mind how long). I do realise my mistake now. The people he told he didn’t know were my friends lol

After no contact do you think it’s ok to send him my first message ? Something along the lines of “hey you’ve been on my mind lately and I wanted to see how things were going”. I feel I need a better text message since it may be awkward he he may think I’m trying to confess my feelings again . Do you have any idea if that text is a good idea or can you think of a better one for my situation .

Once again I really thank you
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 28, 2016 at 11:22 am

Hi Cynder,

Getting realistic, even if it’s been a year, confessing to a person who is not attracted to you would really end up in rejection.. There is no rapport and attraction between you two, so, his reaction is normal.. Yeah he’s telling things to your friends, but what if he’s just telling that because that’s what he can see what your friends wanted to hear from him? so, right now, do you want to try the no contact rule and start to improve yourself, do new things, make new friends and have a new routine?

Girl

December 20, 2016 at 3:33 am

Hey Chris
This guy and I were very good friends for the last 5 years. Last year we started dating. Unfortunately, when he told me he liked me I thought he was talking about another girl. The conversation ended with me telling him that I really liked him but if he doesn’t like me then I hope we’ll remain as friends. He ended up crying and walking out on me.
I message him on his birthday and when I meet mutual friends. Although he reads the messages he doesn’t reply unless its to reject invitation to meet up with mutual friends. I recently added him on Facebook but he then blocked me.
I gather that he is still very angry or embarrassed at the whole situation. What is the best way to go about diffusing this?

girl

January 2, 2017 at 12:45 am

Should I text him? I feel I should be more proactive.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 4, 2017 at 4:12 pm

you can, just don’t be pushy
Girl

January 2, 2017 at 12:37 am

Would you recommend texting him? I feel I should be more proactive.
Girl

December 28, 2016 at 8:51 am

I am 25 and he is 28. The conversation took place a year ago in my house. It was just the both of us there.
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 30, 2016 at 4:26 am

it’s been too long since that incident.. and he acted like a teenager.. I think the best you can do is to take the opportunity of slowly being friendly when you meet with your group of friends
EBR Team Member: Amor

December 22, 2016 at 2:08 pm

Hi Girl,

how old are you both? and was that conversation just between the two of you? and when was that?

John

December 17, 2016 at 2:54 am

Broke up with an ex for the 2nd time 15 months ago, broke up in the heat of the moment, she called my bluff. I attempted to reach out 5 months into the break up asking a random question for which I got no response. Reached out several months later to ask hows she doing, again no response. Wondering whether to reach out again. I do wanna try and work things out if possible.

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 20, 2016 at 1:12 am

Hi John,

what were you’re texts? Just hi, how are you?

Sophie

December 4, 2016 at 11:10 am

Hello. My ex and I broke up roughly a year ago. He kept texting me every two weeks on average for 7 months without a single response from me because I was still upset with him. His texts stopped and he told our mutual friends that he’s moved on and would rather not have any contact with me (although I never tried to contact him). I feel like I’m in a position now where I want to try again. I’ve worked a lot on my issues and I hope he did on his, I feel like it could work out this time. But, I don’t know how to contact him after ignoring him for so long. I don’t want to tell him something like “Just checking how you’ve been…etc” because I know he wouldn’t react to that. I also don’t want him to think I still have feelings for him, at least not yet.

Please advise 🙁

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 5, 2016 at 9:32 am

Hi Sophie,

what about something like a light memory text? Or something of interest for him.. For example,

hey, how are you? And then you saw his favorite brand on 70% sale.. You remembered his the only person who loves that so much

Mara

November 23, 2016 at 2:57 am

Hi Chris and Co,

My ex and I have been broken up for roughly a year and a half. Within that time frame, we have been in contact every two weeks or so. We do speak quite frequently. However, he has a new girlfriend. They started dating

Soon after we broke up (a few weeks); though, they “waited” to become “official” almost a year after we broke up (he had still been seeing me after we broke up).

I made a lot of the key mistakes after we broke up (crying, begging, becoming a text gnat, stalking), and he told me it drove him away. He told me we probably would have gotten back together if I hadn’t acted so erratic; he told me that I have a lot of issues that I have to deal with and that I made it easy for him to pursue someone else as I was so desperate and crazy.

I went no contact for a little under three weeks recently, and he reached out, and we started communicating on a good, though just friendly, level.

We dated for almost 8 years, and I would like to reconcile. It has been a long time, and he seems to be happy with his new girlfriend, but he still reaches out to me.

Do you think I should initiate no contact? Is it worth it for me, at this time?

Should I give up entirely? I do believe we have a true connection and were mostly happy. There were a lot of reasons we broke up, but I do think we make a good team.

Mara

November 29, 2016 at 3:17 pm

Hi Amor,

Thanks for the advice. He called me this morning to meet up and talk.
He told me he wanted to ask my advice on some paint colors (I have worked in interior design, in the past). He is having his house painted and the kitchen re-done. We hung out for roughly a ½ hour, at my house, sitting on the couch, but it was obvious that he then wanted to do more than talk. We did kiss, but did not go all the way or anything.

I feel confused now, and I think he is confused as well. I think the best thing to do would be to go no contact for a month.

It seems like he is willing to cheat on his new girlfriend, so do I need to re-think things? My plan is to just keep improving myself and move on with my own life…as he seems confused with his, and I don’t want to get pulled into unnecessary drama.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 29, 2016 at 9:41 pm

Ok.. I agree with you!
Mara

November 27, 2016 at 5:18 pm

Hi Amor,

I think you are right about it not being long enough. It doesn’t seem like he had time to really miss me.

I have just been worried that going that long without contact would cause him to move on completely, if he hasn’t already.

Do you recommend I do the 45 days?

Also, I have done some improvements. I recently picked up two new hobbies and have been volunteering at a local food bank every week.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 28, 2016 at 6:29 pm

Lets say he already moved on..so, you’re goal now is reattracting him by being the best you and looking like you’ve moved on and not chasing..just starting out as friends again.. Yeah, I think you should restart no contact but since you already did 3 weeks, just try 30 and continue improving yourself even after nc
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 25, 2016 at 4:14 pm

Hi Marq

3 weeks was too short. I think you should have done at least 45 and how much did you improve?

Cara

November 7, 2016 at 9:15 am

See below

Cara

November 7, 2016 at 5:20 pm

Thank you Amor, you guys are the best. I will work on moving on but continue to show self improvement and work on being the ungettable girl for myself first, regardless of him.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 7, 2016 at 11:28 pm

You’re welcome!
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 7, 2016 at 3:49 pm

Hi Cara,

It looks like something’s up with the website when you first posted because other commenters say the same experience. For me, you should move on. For you, his efforts show he was trying but he always didnt follow through whuch shows he’s not serious with you.. Even if he is a commitment phobe, one date, wouldnt trigger that right away.. it looks like he was just trying to keep you at arm’s length

Cara

November 7, 2016 at 9:03 am

Okay, my post disappeared again.

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 7, 2016 at 3:49 pm

Hi Cara,

It looks like something’s up with the website when you first posted because other commenters say the same experience. For me, you should move on. For you, his efforts show he was trying but he always didnt follow through whuch shows he’s not serious with you.. Even if he is a commitment phobe, one date, wouldnt trigger that right away.. it looks like he was just trying to keep you at arm’s length

Cara

November 7, 2016 at 4:20 am

Hi,
I posted a long message on here on November 5th, after Megansss and I saw it post but now it’s gone. Was it moved to a different section or was it removed? Thanks 🙂

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 7, 2016 at 3:50 pm

Hi Cara,

It looks like something’s up with the website when you first posted because other commenters say the same experience. For me, you should move on. For you, his efforts show he was trying but he always didnt follow through whuch shows he’s not serious with you.. Even if he is a commitment phobe, one date, wouldnt trigger that right away.. it looks like he was just trying to keep you at arm’s length
Cara

November 7, 2016 at 4:21 am

Never mind, fo r some weird reason, I see it now that I posted this message.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 7, 2016 at 3:49 pm

Hi Cara,

It looks like something’s up with the website when you first posted because other commenters say the same experience. For me, you should move on. For you, his efforts show he was trying but he always didnt follow through whuch shows he’s not serious with you.. Even if he is a commitment phobe, one date, wouldnt trigger that right away.. it looks like he was just trying to keep you at arm’s length

Ambz

November 6, 2016 at 1:46 pm

Hi it’s been over a year since I’ve seen him..I left him because I felt like it wasn’t going anywhere. He stopped taking me out on dates, calling and texting, and would go out with his friends instead of me. I cut off contact and changed my number, but six months later I sent him a gift for his and his son’s birthday..I didn’t put a return address and he doesnt have my number so I don’t know if he’s tried to get in contact with me. I want to text him to see how he’s doing..but I also don’t know how he’ll react since I basically abandoned our friendship along with the relationship. i was thinking of sending a Christmas gift and giving him my new number, leaving it in his hands if he contacts me or not. And if he doesnt I’ll consider that the end and move on.. is this a good way to break the no contact? Or what are the cons?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 7, 2016 at 4:15 pm

Hi Ambz,

check this one first:
EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

Cara

November 6, 2016 at 12:39 pm

Hi EBR Team,
You guys are awesome and have been a mental lifesaver for me. I have written about my situation several times before, giving bits and pieces of information. I don’t want to sound redundant but I feel like I have to re explain some of the stuff. ‘It gets confusing because looking back I see that my ex has tried to pursue/get me back a couple of times in the last 2 years since our initial breakup (which wasn’t really a break up it was more of him ghosting me and he didn’t formally end it just said he needed his space). I see that he has tried to get me back a couple of times because it appears that he’s tried to use many tactics on ex girlfriend recovery, even using the mutual friend who introduced us to what I suspect as spy on me and take info back to him if I was dating or not, or having her mention his name to get me to speak my opinion of him. In my opinion she tried to get me to bad mouth him because on her end she did not want me to date him again. When he and I started dating the second round, I kept it to myself, but i think she got a clue from him and she started making up lies to try to get us apart and even said He asked her out on a date (when I clearly know he wouldn’t do that since he knows she has a live in boyfriend) . I have other clues too he wouldn’t do that. However at the time, I sot of believed it because and it caused confusion for me. It made me angry and made me think he did it on purpose so it would get back to me and was trying to make me jealous, but now I see she made it up. This was last year when he and I were on/off again dating. Then I ended one of our dates at the restarurant to imply to him that I didn’t want him to just see me for sex. After that is when I started noticing him using our mutual friend to get info about me BUT and he would ask me for a date about once a month, but then he wouldn’t follow through with setting a actual time/day. This was all last year. I called him out on it, he stopped. He did that about 3 times. last year I heard from him on my birthday last yea r in November. Then a month later he texted me a happy new year, which I was cordial too .. But then a friend of mine suggested that he takes so long in between texts to ask me out(like 2-3 weeks) because he doesn’ want to seem obvious and wants to stand out. Anyway my friend suggested at the time, that the next time he texts me to do the NC rule until he makes an effort to reach out again. SHe said he takes me for granted, asks me out and hen doesn’t follow through. Sure enough he texted me “A hi how are you” and I ignored it, I didnt’ reply for 3 weeks. A big mistake in my opinion, because I didn’t use the NC rule in the right context as we had already been apart for a year.
During the 3 weeks I ignored he tried to get my attention on FB by posting 10-12 songs in a row whenever I was online. He never posts and this was atypical. WHen I texted him we converesd and he set up a date. Valentine’s day was a week before our last date last February and he texted me to wish me a Happy V day. He seemed eager for the date, but the date went bad. For someone I had not seen for 9 months since then, he was rude to me on purpose looking around the reasturant, checking out another girl so I notice it, and then , he said that when we dated there wasn’t enough “emotional intimacy” but in reality he ended it after 3 months, and he kept me at arm’s length. ( I should mention here that he is in his late 40’s, never been married, no kids and I see that he has some commitment phobe issues , but he also seems to genuinely want to be in a committed relationship. ) But it was like what was the point of him asking me out ? It was like he got very mad/vengeful at the NC I did for 3 weeks. ONe IMPORTANT thing on that date is he mentioned that he was going to counseling or had gone to counseling, I suspect to work on his commitment issues. After that date, I would let the 30 days pass, text him and he was receptive and positive but then I wouldn’t get much so I’d drop it. Then text again 30 days and I’d get positive or neutral responses. This past July I texted him after letting 30 days pass, and he was receptive, asked me out on a date but didnt set up a date that following week.
Side note, it that we are FB friends and I can TELL he monitors me on FB , has me on a notification whenver I post anything. He does on /off fb if I go on and he’s on. Sometimes, I will go on and he will go on a t the same time. Ive’ noticed he’s posted things that he thinks i’m likely to like as it’s atypical of him to post those type of things.
On my facebook, I’ve done everything, posted attractive pics, me working out, going out with my friends, and most recently I just got back from a once in a lifetime type internatinoal vacation that got a lot of attention and likes from other FB friends and acquaintances. I KNOW he saw all that.
So a week after he asked me out and didnt’ set up a date this past July, I was thinking about the at least 20 clues I have that he was using our mutual friend to get info on me. Hes the kind of guy that’s strategic and doesnt’ like to lose. But he didnt’ know that my friend tried to sabotage him and i believe she was playing both sides, getting info of me for him and bad mouthing him to me telling me he’s just a dog and a player. Anyway I decided to text him and call him out as I am sick of being seen as a pushowever, it just seems they both think their little games are working. I texted him asking him it was true that he asked her out last year and why did it seem like she always knew that we communicated or had a date. Of course, I got no reply and I wasn’t’ expecting one. I wanted him to question his communication with her and to see that she wasn’t really his ally. I also wanted him to see hey I’m not a pushover.
So fast forward to now…..yesterday was my birthday and I guess I gauged whether or not there was a inkling of interest by whether or not he’d text me for my bday. I got nothing, no text, not even a FB b day message and I know he saw it was my birthday, he saw my fabulous vacation, and I got nothing.
Does this mean, I have even less of a chance? I work hard to show a active interesting life, and towards being the ungettable girl, but at this point I think that’s all I can do. I was the last one to initiate texting him the last 4 times, I called him out last time. What can I do at this point? I know he monitors my Fb and with all the things that have happened he seems emotionally invested in geting me back.
Is the fact that he didnt’ wish me a happy b day a HUGE red flag? Should I just give up?
Sorry for the long post. Please help!!!!!, I’m at my wits end.
Megan

November 4, 2016 at 9:10 am

I don’t want to be blinded by what i would love to happen, so i am asking for a outside opinion.
My ex and i were together for a year and a half. My situation during this time was not ideal (i was going through a nasty divorce and so on) He met someone (with the same first name as me.. yes you read that right lol) and cheated on me. We split and moved on with our lives. No contact for 4 years. I know i peeked at social media a few times on a public post level and he had married her and then it shortly fell apart. Me i met someone and sadly got married also. I randomly texted him 2 years ago and told him i hoped he had a amazing birthday and added some typical “us” sarcastic humor. We texted back and forth filling each other in on some of the stuff that happened over the 2 years. (his mom passed, failed marriage , my kids and big move etc.) Then he informed me i scare him and he stopped talking….. he has popped in and out over the last 2 years with texts but seems he gets “gun shy” per say and runs. THIS time though is different. We have been texting over a month. He calls me and vents and confides in me about stuff in his life he cant or hasn’t told others. Knowing him these are things he wouldn’t confide in friends or his dad or kids. He texts me daily and we talk when we both have some quiet time. Seems it usually is right before he goes to bed. But we talk til he is settled or sometimes even til he falls asleep and then i hang up. We are not in the same state anymore so i don’t expect a “lets get together” but i wonder if maybe he is finally over me scaring him. (friends say the scared is emotional fear) But he is currently on vacation and texted me he made it. I told him i wasn’t expecting hear from him during his vacation and he said why wouldn’t he text me… I am wondering if i am reading more into or is he maybe excepting that the attachment i never lost is still there?? (My friends aren’t much help they say he finally realized he married the wrong Megan. but i don’t want false hope and i am afraid to ruin it by asking him where this is going)

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 6, 2016 at 11:08 am

Hi Megan,

why was he scared with you? It depends, is he flirty with you or he’s just friendly?

rachel

November 3, 2016 at 9:14 pm

Hi Amor,
I need your help with my situation. I was with my ex for 6 years, we met in college. During the 6 years together, we were so close and we truly loved each other and know that we will marry each other. We adopted 2 cats together that we love dearly and he always talked about when we will get married. However, we’ve always been living under my mother’s shadow. My mother is very stict and judgemental, she would be nice to him and then tell me about his insufficiencies behind his back. I was never allowed to go to his apartment to hangout, we would always need to be very careful, and hide from her. I know this is unusual but my mother has a lot of power over me, I am so scared of her that I would do anything she says even when I know it’s probably not the best for me. She told me when I graduate, I can do whatever I want. So I promised him I would move in with him after I graduate. However, right when I graduated, I had an apportunity to go abroad to do a 4-month contract as a research associate. I really wanted that opportunity, so I went. I came home afterwards and went abroad again for the same reason, this time for 3 months. During my time abroad, I did not talk to him very often because it is the first time in my entire life that I didn’t need to live under my mother’s shadow. I had the freedom everyone always told me about, so I was selfish and I just cut communication with everyone at home… When I came back, I found out I was sick, it is pretty serious and I felt scared and didn’t talk to him about it. I was going around hospitals to get treatments… I didn’t know what to do, I was so unhappy, not because of him, but because I didn’t want to come home to an emotionally abusive household; and on top of that, I had an illness. He begged me to stay and said if a break would help then we can take a break. Or, if I want to move out of the country he’ll go with me.. He was willing to do anything to stay together.. but I wasn’t sure. I ghosted him. A few months later, he broke up with me. It’s been almost 2 years now since we broke up. I’m about to have a procedure done and if it is succesful, I may recover fully. During the 2 years without him, I’ve missed him a lot, I always think about him, and this long time away from him made me realize that he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with… So I messaged him a week ago. We talked on the phone for 2 hours, I told him all the things that I didn’t tell him before, and we just had a nice conversation catching up. We eventually ended the conversation, he texted me afterwards that “it was nice to catch up”. A few days later, he texted me “when you told me all that stuff the other day, what did you expect from me?”…… I still haven’t replied because I don’t know what to say.. I can’t just say “I made a mistake leaving and I want to work things out with you” can I?… I have no idea if he has a new girlfiend or not.. I feel like we had a loving relationship and we were so compatible.. but it was never a normal one because I wasn’t able to break free from my mother’s control and just focus on our relationship. I should’ve told him about my illness but I was scared he might leave me because of it. Now that I’ve moved away from home and my illness is going to get cured.. I can give him the relationship we’ve always wanted now, but I don’t know if it’s too late.. I don’t know what to say to him.. or how to even begin. Please help 🙁 Thank you.

rachel

November 14, 2016 at 12:34 am

Hi Amor,

I have not responded to his question at all.. it’s been almost a week now. I was waiting for your feedback to see what the best thing to do is.

The thing is he is not a typical guy… if I am “just being friendly”, he interprets that as me trying to get him back. Like I mentioned before, he is the type of guy that does not believe in friendship between the opposite sex. If I am “just being friendly” he will think it’s weird and would suspect I want something (in this case, I do, I just haven’t told him). And of course I am carrying on in my own life; I try to be just innocent and friendly when we text, but he always gets right to the point and asks me the obvious questions. He isn’t active in social media at all, so the only connection we have is texting. I don’t know how I am supposed to “build rapport slowly” (like everyone from EBR are suggesting I do) when he isn’t willing to just have friendly small talks and be friends. All he ever talk about is my “intention” and doesn’t want to just have “chats”.
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 15, 2016 at 5:52 pm

then just be straight with him. Like, tell him, “Ok, I know, I know, you think I’m trying something to get back with you but it’s really just being friendly. If you’re not comfortable with it and you want to stop all of this. I understand and I’ll stop.”

That’s risky, but it seems like you don’t have any other choice too. If you don’t address it, he’ll just avoid you later on.
rachel

November 8, 2016 at 10:28 pm

Thank you for the response. You’ve advised me to build rapport and attraction. I would love to build things slowly, because that’s how I’ve always done things. However, my ex is a very black and white person, and being friends with exes is a very grey area to him. I’ve known him for 8 years now (we were in a relationship for 6 years and broke up 2 years ago) and he is not the type that would be friends with exes. He asks the questions and demands answers, he doesn’t be-friend exes and he doesn’t believe in friendship between the opposite sex. He ended up asking me directly “It won’t work out between us, you should know that… It sounds like you want to be together, or am I misinterpretting things?” I don’t know what to do… I’m all about taking things slowly, but I cannot build rapport and attraction slowly if he’s not willing to do casual small talk and just keeps asking questions like this. Please help…. I am so scared..
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 12, 2016 at 10:08 am

Yeah, when an ex really thinks you’re trying to get back, he would really be avoiding you. For a higher chance, it has to be organic that you’re just really friendly. So, you have to keep being active in your own life. And what did you say when he asked that?
EBR Team Member: Amor

November 5, 2016 at 10:40 pm

Hi Rachel,

yeah, but don’t rush in a relationship. Treat him like a stranger you’re getting to know first. You wouldn’t propose to a stranger right? You have to build rapport and attraction first. To answer his question, you can say something like, “Actually, not much. I just thought about you, and then thought about calling and then just did it. And I’m happy it went great it.”

Suzan

October 19, 2016 at 2:04 pm

Hi,

My boyfriend and I broke up 2 months ago ,after 8 years of relationship. After the breakup I din’t contact him but after 2 or 3 weeks he started to write and call me. In that time I was in a phase when I started to accept the idea that everything has ended, so i said that i don’t want to talk meet or anything.One day we met occasionally in the gym and he started to talk and said that he still loves me and thinks that we should try again to make things better. Even though I was strong those days, somehow he convinced me that we should try one more time, but he said that we should do take this slowly. After talking several times those days he started to ignore me and changed the behavior. I stopped the contact again and after 2 weeks he started to write me again. The same thing was repeated three times and each time that I started to talk for the relationship and how can we improve he always started to ignore me. The last time that we meet was 18 days ago and he said that everything is over and it’s not worthy to try anymore. He kept mentioning things from the past when we had some disagreements. I didn’t talk much because I wasn’t feeling well but when I went home I wrote him and he answered normally like nothing happened. Than i realized that I can’t continue like this so i stopped the communication. After 4 days his grandfather passed away so I expressed my condolences and I sad that he can call me anytime if he isn’t feeling well. He said thank you very much. This was the last communication that we had 12 days ago, because from that time I started the NC and Im trying my best to heal myself this time, because it’s been a really long time that we were together and it’s difficult for me to accept this . What surprises me the most is that I still have him on Snapchat and he keeps checking my pictures every time that I post (even though I never check his pictures there). After all this time is there any possibilities that I can win him back because I don’t want things to end like this. I still love him and I want him in my life.

Sorry for the long post. I hope you can advise me on this!!
Thank you.

Suzan

October 24, 2016 at 11:34 am

Hi,

Yes I’m trying my best to be more active and enjoining life. Two days ago he commented one of my snaps and yesterday he send me a message saying something like;How are you, Are you fine. I didn’t reply any of this because I’m still in NC (day 17) and I will not respond any of these non sense messages, unless he writes something about us or apologies. Anyway my concern is that he will forget me or find someone else. And that could be devastating for me 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 25, 2016 at 8:23 pm

if he gets someone else, that’s more likely a rebound.. that’s why you need to be active in social media..that’s your way of being present
Suzan

October 21, 2016 at 7:19 am

Hi,

We broke up because we started to fight over everything lately.He started to ignore me and seemed like nothing that I said was important for him. He in the other hand was talking about the past and the fights that we had sometimes. Even though I think the main reason that we had these fights was because I thought it was the time to get married and I said this to him several times but he feared that somehow. His indifference for me was very concerning because we were together for so long and it seemed like he didn’t care. Can you please help me, what steps should I take beside NC ?
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 22, 2016 at 8:42 pm

Ah.. then maybe he doesnt want to get married because he has related you to being negative already.. like would you want to get married to someone who keeps fighting with you or nagging you? No right?

But in your side, that’s the reason you kept fighting him, you wanted him to commit, but he doesnt..so he felt more pressured instead of excited in getting married with you.

So, make it seem like marrying is not what’s in your mind without saying it, by being active in yourself and in your own life, even if you got back together.. continue to be active..because more likely a guy would want to commit to you if he can see that if he doesnt do it, he’ll lose this great person in his life..
EBR Team Member: Amor

October 20, 2016 at 11:56 pm

Hi Suzan,

There’s a good chance that you will get back together because you had a long history. But you didn’t say why you broke up, why did you break up?

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