The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

1,382 thoughts on “The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule”

Kay

January 2, 2016 at 10:00 pm

Hey Chris,

The exact scenario you laid out in “BEING HAPPY BUT CAREFUL IN HIS RESPONSES” applies to me. I did no contact for 3 months and he contacted me twice. He was home for the holidays and asked me if I had plans but didn’t ask to hang out. I asked him if he just wanted to tell me he was home. He said he wanted to say hi and asked if I was up to having a coffee. We went out. All his actions seem positive. Then he asked me if I had questions about the breakup still (why he rejected me after after I tried getting him back). He kept saying he just doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and says he doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me anymore. When we were saying goodbye he kissed me. I called him out on it and he said “I’m just doing what I feel”.

What do I make of this??? His words and actions are seemingly incongruent.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 19, 2016 at 10:11 am

Hi Kay

When he said the reasons why he rejected you, was he saying it as his reason before, or was it still he’s reason now?
I think this post can help you too.
Decoding The Mixed Signals From Your Ex Boyfriend

Alice

December 29, 2015 at 8:38 am

What if he is still in a relationship with the girl he got with a week after I broke up with him (not sure if rebound)? Should I try to reach out after the 30 days or wait it out another month or so? (The girl he has gotten back with is his ex he dated couple years back who had cheated on him and they had a rough on and off again relationship for a while but they have never really worked out)
We dated 11 months and this is our first breakup.

Please, I could use some advice on this, its a strange situation for me.

Chris Seiter

January 16, 2016 at 10:59 pm

How long has he been with her exactly?

chesun yang

December 27, 2015 at 5:05 pm

hey chris,
thank you for the informative article! i really appreciate you taking the time to explain things in great detail. breakups are really tough, but having insight definitely makes it easier. so once again, thank you so much for taking precious time out of your life to help us women around the world.
i have a question for you, so i followed your advice and successfully completed the NC rule for 30 days and then texted my ex. ive contacted him 3-5 times and his responses have been neutral. should i go back to no contact? my ex is really stubborn. he didnt contact me at all during the 30 days of NC plus he broke up with me through text and hasnt made any effort to contact me. now all im getting is neutral responses. i know i have to manage my expectations, but is a man like this worth going back to at all?
Jessica

December 25, 2015 at 4:05 pm

Would the no contact rule work if my boyfriend wants a break but still texts me sometimes during the break. Should I start doing no contact or thats only for breakups. Should I reply to his messages?
Lisa

December 13, 2015 at 2:57 pm

Chris, you say “the more angry he gets the more he really cares” . My exbf from 4 years is became a very rude after last NC. We have many breakups for 30, 60, 90 days (NC-works, he returned). But now situation is very bad, he sad me that he don`t need and want me. I sad OK, and left him. Do I make it right? I`m very good girl and always want the best for him. But what can I do to make things like old happy days? What more can I do to make him realise and feel the same as me?
U

December 12, 2015 at 8:19 am

I just started no contact today and based on my knowledge of his character, I can guarantee that he would reply neutrally or not reply at all. I can’t stress to you enough just how much he hates me right now. I blew every chance he gave me. When he finally blocked me, I went frantic and even tried getting help from his friends. He found out and texted me how he can never forget what I did and how crazy my behaviour is to him. I’m not gonna lie. It hurt. A lot. But for some reason I don’t take it too personally because its true that my behaviour was way out of line and had I not done that, my chances of getting back with him would’ve been higher than it is now. He directly told me (texted me) that he would never ever consider getting back together with me. Please help
Sarah

December 9, 2015 at 5:21 am

Hi I just had a first date after no contact. My ex of 3 years had broken up with me a few months ago because he believes we “fight too much,” and I was too stingy in our relationship. I believe I was just trying to tell my side of the story and was not trying to argue. He is not willing to go to counseling and is very stubborn and set in his ways. Do you have any idea of how I should proceed? I think counseling would give an outside perspective that would be very helpful but he doesn’t see it.
Gloria

December 6, 2015 at 3:25 pm

I broke up with my ex in July. No contact for 2 weeks. He acted like he wanted to get back together. Told me he wanted to take me to the beach on vacation.. Etc… I was estatic. It was to make up for blowing me off on my birthday weekend and kissing me off . we never officially started dating again. The weekend before Halloween he started liking my posts on Facebook and even made small talk with me that weekend. Then nothing but liking and sharing my stuff on face book since. Then Thanks giving he. Sent me a happy thanksgiving text. And I replied thanks you too. Still since he was liking and sharing my posts. Then 2 days ago he messaged me out of the blue. Nothing earth shattering. Sent me a pic of his Christmas tree. And I told him it was pretty. Then we had a conversation for about a half hour. And he was watching a tv show we used to watch together. It is in mid season break and he just started watching it. So I promised no spoilers. I told.my mother that we used to cuddle on the couch and watch it together. So I know he was thinking about it. Then yesterday he text me again asking me where to buy clothing boxes because he bought his daughter some clothes for Christmas.
So I told.him where he could find them
Then a few minutes later he called me. I have not heard his voice since the end of June. I forgot how sexy he sounds.
When I met him a year ago I knew I never wanted to date anyone but him. We get along so well and he spoils me with affection and the sex is the best I’ve ever had. Ever.
He has commitment issues However. Never deleted the dating sites and after a few.months of being together and blowing me off on my birthday. I found him onlike. Ughhh. If he wants to be with me again he is going to have to prove to me that he is going to commit to only me. I honestly can see a future with this man. I don’t know if he does with me or not. I would love some advise though. I have not mentioned us or a relationship last or present to him. Just talk to him like I would any other friend or co worker. I know that has to be driving him nuts.
Bri

December 4, 2015 at 10:11 am

My ex and I broke up officially about a week ago, we have maintained some contact but Im trying the no contact rule. We both agreed we are extremely hurt and have lost some feelings for eachother but I’m not sure if I will be over to get over him. I really want him back in my life, will the no contact rule help me also figure out how much I still love him? Not only that but how do you get back in contact with your ex and not be awkward about it?
Kris

November 27, 2015 at 9:38 pm

Please help me understand this NC rule a bit better. If he broke up with me and began to ignore me after i tried to contact him once after, can i implement the NC for 30 days and the reinitiate the contact message?

From what i read, the NC can only be implemented if HE messaged me and i ignored him. What if i was the one being ignored? Does that not apply to the NC rule?
Zz

November 19, 2015 at 5:54 am

He says he does not know if he wants to Stai on the relationship. He wants time to think. There has been no contact for 6 days. What does he really mesn?
Alice

November 17, 2015 at 2:36 pm

Dear Chris, greeting from Malaysia, i really need your kind advice here. Me and my exbf break up 6 months ago. After the breakup we have contacted each other its like on and off break up. Im tired of this and but i want him back. Other than that we have god daughter to share our love. He lives my daughter so much. Do i still need to do the NC Rules?
Sarah

November 14, 2015 at 10:20 pm

Hi Chris!

I dated a guy for about two months, and it was truly two amazing months. We had so much fun, and we worked really well together. Then one day he was really cold towards me, and I asked him what was going on, and he said nothing was going on. So I texted him a few days later, bc we hadn’t spoken in two days, asking him what was going on. And then he broke up with me in a text message saying he “was very busy at the moment” and that he “didn’t think the spark we had in the beginning was there anymore”. We haven’t spoken or texted or even seen each other since the breakup. However, I can see that he sees my snapchat stories – pictures showing how much fun I am having without him… He hasn’t reached out to me at all, but I am getting the feeling that he is responding by also posting snapchat stories… But I am worried that he might not contact me. What happens if he doesn’t contact me at all, even when NC period is over? Will I still have a chance at winning him back?
Vivi

November 12, 2015 at 10:51 pm

Hi, Chris! Love your site and find your advices very helpful. However, my situation might be slightly different than the ones you describe, and I would love to hear your point of view on it.

I met this guy 2 months ago. It all started out very romantic- flowers on first 2 dates, long walks and great conversations. He was very smitten with me- held the door open for me, always finding excuses to touch me (like a gentleman). On our third date he proposed a dinner at his place. I accepted. He made a delicious dinner for me, we danced and, of course, ended up having sex. I knew it was “too soon”, according to dating rules, but it felt right, so I didn’t give it too much thought. However, I did tell him, that I have commitment issues and that my longest relationship only lasted for 8 months. That fact did seem to surprise him, but not enough to scare him off (so I thought), although, all that physical affection he gave me before I told him about my issue, disappered (no touching my lover back, when he lets me walk in to a building, no holding my hand in public, which he already did on our second date). After that last date, he went on a trip with his male friends and kept always in touch. He got back- I went over to his place- sex! Since I didn’t tell him anything of significance about myself, he, randomly and uncontrolled, blurted out, that he suspects that I have a bf. I denied that fact and told him, that I do, in fact, like him a lot, but gave him, most likely, an impression, that I dont take this whole thing between us, very seriously. A few weeks back, on halloween, I invited him to go out with me and my friends, since he, indirectly, told me, that he would like to spend halloween with me (I´m a nerd, so we all went out as star wars- personages). We had an amazing evening together and great sex (which we both complimented each other for). Anyway, the contact between us, seems to have faded away. He has moved in with a woman, whom he calls a friend, who´s 15-ish years older than him, a single mom, who shares custody of her kids with her ex, which means, that they are over at hers 2 weeks a month. He is renting a room at her house, because he is saving up money to buy his own place next year. I did tell him, slightly, that I´m not really comfortable with him moving in with her, and that I am certain that she will try to seduce him, but since he had planned it way before he met me, I felt that I had no reason to make a big deal out of it. However, I did tell him, that as long as he lives with her, there is absolutely no chance for a relationship between him and I. It did seem to upset him, although he tried do hide it. So! It´s been a week since he moved in with her. Last Friday he asked me out for a movie (after 4 days of no contact at all) but then, cancelled on me on Saturday. He said that he had to work for free (working on saturday in NORWAY for free- BS!) and that he would call me later on, which he didn’t. He sent a message on Sunday apologizing for not calling me, because he got home after midnight and, supposedly, “upset with a guy from work”. I didn’t buy those excuses and haven’t responded to him messages. He hasn’t contacted me since and my dilemma is:
Have I given him an impression of not to take me seriously with my “commitment issues” annoncement or is he just using the “if I dont show any serious interest in her, she will fall with me”- strategy? I must admit, that it is, in fact, irritating and not something I am used to. I also suspect him for already sleeping with that “friend”. I have a feeling that he will contact me this weekend again, and if he does, what should I do? Use the no contact- strategy or go out with him?

I think I might have compromised a potential relationship with him by telling him about my issue.

Really need your help!
Annie

November 8, 2015 at 2:24 am

heya … i just started … the nc… ..mmmmm …. and its one week nw …aftr reading ur 3 articles … i really feel positive ….
now .. i would … like to
explain my long distance relation’s situations… which was
before brkup … he was constantly .. begging me fr brkup .. n i was constantly begging him to sty … n this was sceenario of last 3-4
months … and he wants brkup bcz …. accrding
to him .. he was not able to give me happiness
which i deserve … n .. ultimtly … we brkup last
mnth … aftr tht … we were tlking as friends … bt ..few
dys bck we fght again on the topic that why i am on a fast .. bcz of sm rituals in hindus i was fast fr him ..and he cm to knw abt my fast and shouted on me tht why i m fast ..he was totally agaisnt my fast… n thn aftr a long
fight … i stopd txtng him … n.. the last msg
was his … n ..from last 6-7 days i hv not
communicated with him … bt .. we 2 are
added to a same whtsapp grp and he tried tlking to me there on the grp ..bt i didnt rply …then he hd texted me on private chat also …asking fr a sorry bt i hv not rplied him .. n.. my Qs are
like ..
1. what should be my very first text to him on the day the nc. is going to over!?
2. will he come bck :/ !!?
Kait

November 7, 2015 at 9:41 am

Hi Chris, I know you get thousands of messages like this, but I really need some advice. I think I’ve completely blown my chances of ever getting my ex back, even if I do follow your guides/advice. Basically we’ve been on and off for over a year now and we argue a lot, he never apologises after arguments and will just ignore me for the rest of the day or even for a day+ where as I’ll apologise most of the time regardless and I hate being ignored, especially by him, and then when he does speak to me he just acts normal again or sometimes he’ll say things like ‘going to be a normal gf or still an angry troll’ I admit when we argue at times I can say some really horrible and unforgivable things, but so has he. He’s said many times over the past months that he doesn’t love me and hasnt wanted to be with me for months now. It’s mostly him who breaks up with me, I’ve only ever broken up with him I’ve but I didn’t mean it. He’s also said that he’s only taken me back because I made him or wouldn’t leave him alone. Now last week we had a huge fight on Sunday and things got so bad and again he said were over and that he doesn’t love me anymore and that once I leave his house I won’t be setting foot in there ever again. Things got broken and he got angry and pushed me but I replaced the broken things and got them sent to his house. He text me after the break up saying he got the items but he can’t accept them knowing how he feels about us and that he sees no future for us and doesn’t see us ever working. I tried to do no contact but failed on day 3 🙁 and text him back saying ‘Hey, I was just thinking about the first time we went to the cinema together to see Jurassic World, it was so good. I am glad we did that.’ But because he didn’t reply I turned into a text gnat and then said ‘could we talk please? I don’t like how things were left.’ He replied ‘I enjoyed the good times we had too but things arent the same and we argue too much, please send me your address so i can return the items as it doesnt feel right’ I responded ‘I don’t want to lose you, so will you please work with me to make our relationship work again, I know I don’t deserve it but I care for you deeply and I love you..I want you to keep the them, I’m sorry.’ And again he didn’t respond so I text him again saying ‘Please just talk with me, even if you hate me, please hear me out.’ He responded saying ‘it’s over I sorry, there’s nothing else I can say’ I continued to keep begging him to take me back and him not replying and when he I asked him if he loved me he said no sorry and he also said he won’t be contacting me anymore and i really dont want to upset you more and talking is doing that, you are more than welcome to let me send the items back, other than that good bye. I continued to bombard him with messages and calls, he replied no my minds made up..I continued to message and call him the next day too but no reply. It’s not been almost 3 days I haven’t heard from him and I’m absolutely terrified of losing him. I didn’t text him today so this is the first day I haven’t contacted him for..I want to try the no contact but I always end up caving in. Do you think the Nc rule will get him to speak to me or even give us a chance of ever getting back together? Please help.

depolarization

November 24, 2015 at 1:49 am

Now I’ll admit right off the bat….I am no expert in relationships. However, I’m really sorry to say it, but yes, you pretty much blew it. I’m being harsh, but I hope it’s coming off as tough love and not being mean because I’m not intending to make you feel bad. Only reading how pushy you came off, I’d say he is just annoyed with you now.

NOW…THAT BEING SAID….your relationship didn’t sound too great for either side to begin with. Again, just being honest, but a good relationship doesn’t involve as much fighting as you talked about. MORESO…no man good for you will push you. Even if you do go all crazy and break stuff (which isn’t ok either), but seriously?! Let me break it down from an outside perspective:

You are aching to get back with someone you’ve fought with A LOT for over a year off and on. You want to get back with someone who doesn’t want to get back with you that you got so angry you broke things and he pushed you!?

I just glanced back up at your message and, unless I missed it, I don’t see you saying one single good thing about him or anything that makes a good relationship. :/ I just hope you’ll think about it all. Again, I know it’s harsh but I’m coming from a place of hoping you do what is good and healthy for yourself. You need to heal and move on. Why give someone you seem to have never been good with such power over your happiness? There’s someone out there better for you that you won’t fight with. And if you do…..don’t break stuff. 😉 And if you fight and he physically attacks you, leave. That’s pretty much never acceptable.

I hope you can read this and take it for what it’s worth….

Melanie

November 7, 2015 at 8:30 am

I’m a week away from completing the “No Contact”. I have ignored his previous text where he asked how an event had gone (since he saw a picture I posted). Some five days later he messaged me with: “Hey Melanie. I know right now you clearly need your space, I would like to eventually be friends one day again… if that is difficult for you I understand, but if not I hope to hear from you when you’re ready one day.” It has been 3 days since that message (I have not responded). I’m scared that if I eventually contact him, that he will “friend-zone” me. What should I take away from that message?
Melodie

November 4, 2015 at 6:02 pm

Hello Chris,
I’ve been looking at your pages for a while now. My boyfriend of almost three years broke up with me two months ago. He really wanted to be friends so I was trying to force myself to be his friend. I made a drunk call, made a few mistakes that really got to him. We hung out a few times and it felt like old times when we did. But those mistakes hit him hard. He fell out of love with me. I believe a lot of it has been through this breakup. Now I am implementing the 30 day no contact rule, but he is the one who started the break from eachother. After he started the break he kept saying that he doesn’t want to say goodbye and he said he really appreciated me during our relationship. His thought for breaking up first was because he doesn’t want a relationship. He wants to go to Montana and he is trying to figure out his life. And trust me, it is not another girl. This is the sweetest man ever. I feel like he is really confused in his life. But he said he isn’t in love with me. Is he just saying that to make things easier on him? Because I see potential in him. Even if he isn’t in love with me, can he fall back in love? We are also eachothers first love. We used to talk about being together forever, but we ended up getting a house together and everything fell apart. We lived together at my dads, but it wasn’t a big responsibility. I really think he is stressed out and he told me he isn’t ready to settle. He wants to be friends, but he said he can’t handle it right now. He cries if he sees me cry. He also said he could see us being together in the future. He had all these visions when we first broke up and said even if it’s two years from now, if he wants me back then he will fight for me… Will the 30 day no contact be beneficial? If I don’t get him back then I could be his friend and then get him back when he is ready for a relationship?
Star

November 3, 2015 at 5:36 pm

Chris –

I have read a decent amount of your content on this site and I really value your insight. I would like to ask for some input on my personal situation because it has been driving me insane and has become hurtful. In a way, I am proud of myself for completing the “No Contact” step successful… but in the same sense, I feel awful! I’m also very afraid to actually reach out now that the “No Contact” is long over with. I’m confused, scared and just want this to all be over with! If you would agree to hear my full story and email me your suggestions, advice and input, I would be SO thankful! I understand if you are too busy though. I was just hoping to get solid input from someone who is really good and knowledgeable with stuff like this! Thanks so much ahead of time!
Annie

November 2, 2015 at 7:07 pm

heya … i just stated … the nc… ..mmmmm …. aftr reading ur 3 articles … i really feel cnfidnt ..in myslf .. now .. i would … like to explain my relation situations… which was before brkup … he was constantly .. begging me fr brkup .. n i was constantly begging him to sty … n this was sceenario of last 3-4 months … and he wants brkup bcz …. accrding to him .. he was not able to give me happiness which i deserve … n .. ultimtly … we brkup last mnth … aftr tht … we were tlking … bt ..few dys bck we fght again … n thn aftr a long fight … i stpd txtng him … n.. the last msg was his … n ..from last 3 days i hv not communicated with him … bt .. we 2 are added to a same whtsapp grp .. n.. my Qs are like ..
1. shld i sty in tht whtsapp grp n ignore him .. or should i leave!!
2. will he come bck :/ !!?

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1,382 thoughts on “The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule”