The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

1,382 thoughts on “The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule”

Jill

September 13, 2015 at 2:26 pm

I had been in my relationship for 2 years, it was both of our first relationships (first everythings) , I’m 20 he is 22. I am very close with his family, so much so that while we were dating his parents pulled me aside and told me if things didn’t work out they would still want to keep in touch with me and I’m also very good friends with his sister. Obviously we had a great relationship we were best friends and both got to know eachother so well. But a few months ago something changed in him, he started to have sever stomach issues terrible pains and he had a hard time keeping food down, [month 1] intimacy stopped he still gave but he never wanted to recive, eventually he stoped giving too. I love him so much I told him that I didn’t mind I really don’t I just wanted to see him getting health agian. I was trying to be there for him because he talked about how much he hated his job and life. He started to get withdrawn and slowly was detaching from me. Even when I would try to hug him he seemed to get upset at me telling me I was being clingy, and begging for attention. This made me upset because I saw him less than once a week, and I hadn’t been on a proper date with him in a while, I’d meet up with him at outings with his friends or family. (I mentioned I was friends with his sister, she invited me over or we would just go out so I was popping by his house but if he was home I’d say hi and give him a kiss and then go out.) I gave him some space communication was poor. [month 2] I reached out to him so many times to go out, and I ultimately felt so desperate, (you talked about the ungettable girl well that was me before this whole thing happened) Then I started to get so worried about him, I became a text gant and I was maybe a bit to concerned, but he had lost 45 pound in month because he couldn’t keep food down. When I did see him I’d ask how he was feeling I eventually stopped asking about his health because is made him mad.I also tried to just talk to him like we used to but I started getting one line answers from him. I ended up ask him how he was feeling about our relationship and he told me he didn’t know how he felt, and then he told me he felt uncomfortable around me. (People I don’t know even tell me I’m a very comfortable person to be around and talk to me about the most personal subjects.) I told him if he needed it we could go on a break, and he agreed. Well during the break we originally never said how long it would be, I gave him two weeks then i approached him telling him, I think the break should be over now it had been two weeks. I tried to urge him to go out with me since he kept himself shut in the house playing games if he wasn’t at work but he kept making excuses, really bad ones too I can’t I have a doctors appointment, and chores, or I’m not sure I might have to cut the lawn later and I’ll probably be to tired afterwards. I never asked him to spend an entire day with him and all I would sugest was a movie date, or a date night in to play games together.[month 3] Anyway after being refused going out I gave him more space and then I eventually got the nerve to talk to him again and I still didn’t get anything out of him he still said he didn’t know how he felt, and that he felt depressed and he is always uncomfortable feeling, and he said things have been miserable for him, and he felt like the end of our relationship was inevitable and he said he wanted to join the air force he told me he really cared about me and there is no one else he is interested. All of these things that just broke my heart. Originally when he talked about the airforce he really told me I should send him letters and we could keep in touch. When I asked him if he wanted to break up or if he just wanted more space he said he didn’t want to make a rash decision and wanted to say with me. I cried a lot because I really love this guy, I didn’t know if we would ever get married but I wanted the good times to last longer, he hasn’t even applied to the airforce so it made me mad he was using it as an excuse. I eventuality text him “I know you still care about me but you have to ask your self if you ever want to be intimate with me, if you want to hang out with me, and if you enjoy being around me. I know these past months you haven’t but if you want to then just do it. If you don’t let me go.” We spoke a few days later in person and he and we decided to plan a date night in. It was all set but then a 2 days before the date we were talking on the phone about our relationship and he just said I think we should end things, I was crying and he said he didn’t want anyone else and he was still interested in me but he said it wasn’t fair for me since he is going to be leaving for a few years if he gets accepted to the airforce, and he just wasn’t interested in being in a relationship. We talked for a good hour and a half he sounded to unemotional, and I went to say good bye to him but the line disconnected, I though he hung up on me but he insisted he didn’t so I called him back to to tell him good night and I was very calm and told him not so be stressed and I would be there for him if he ever needed anyone to talk to, and that he could come to me with his problems. (The doctors thought that his stomach issues might have been caused by stress, they hadn’t been able to diagnose things) and then when he finally spoke I could tell he was bawling, I did tell him he could have a least been decent and broken up in person so he came over the next day but it was just awkward for me I was so emotional and he just patted my back and hugged me and then left we didn’t really talk because I didn’t have anything left to say to him. I guess my question is do you think I can get him back? Even if he is going into the airforce he said he still wants to be friends, and he still wants to be able to talk to me and hang out and stuff. I started the no contact rule right after the break up, I didn’t even realize It was a technique, he messaged me 4 days after the break up and I ignored him mostly because I felt really hurt and also because he messaged me at 2 am. I found your site today and I have read about 10 of your articles. Today will be day five and I feel bad not replying now because I told him I’d be there for him, is the no contact rule still go to use? or will it make me an asshole and a liar? Please let me know what you think, I really really want to see the loving man I know so well again and I don’t think I can stomach the thought of just being friends with him, I feel to much of a spark around him to do that.
Denise

September 12, 2015 at 11:37 pm

After reading this article and sizing up the extent of my situation, I don’t think my ex would be inclined to speak to me because he wouldn’t want to put himself in our past situation again. He did mention to me a week ago (before I started NC) that he liked the way I was in the beginning then proceeded to tell me he was exhausted of all my txt messages, that they were stupid and for me to delete his number. He also said he wasn’t for me and I wasn’t for him. Despite his words I have chosen to continue on my path of being an ungettable girl in hopes to attract him for good. I will be getting a separate mobile plan (I share with my parents currently) and new number in a few months..my goal is to build attraction by getting him to guess who is texting him and leaving him hanging right as he gets close to finding out. I want to build up the attraction before he finds out who it is so he can associate positive feelings with me again and not block me like he did on my current number currently. Do you think this could work in achieving what I hope to accomplish?
Vicky

September 12, 2015 at 1:08 am

Dear Chris,

I dated this guy for 5 months.. Things were great for the first 4 months, we occasionally meet for dinner and drinks and spending the quality time together. However coming to the 5th month, he has been busy opening his 2nd shop and has not been contacting much. I didn’t contact him either knowing he was very busy with work etc and assumed he will contact me once his work settled down. 2-3 weeks passed, I initiated to meet up but he was still busy and I didn’t initiate further. On the 4th week I suggested to meet as we haven’t met for a month and it would be nice to meet and also mentioned if he wasn’t interested just to let me know than bombarding him with messages. He replied a week later saying that he’s still busy and said we are not right for each other and didn’t want to keep seeing me as I don’t deserve to be treated such a way. I didn’t reply immediately, took a day to reply. Next day, with positively and cool minded agreed to his statement and applied my NC straightaway. We never argued or had any trust issues. We always had a brilliant time together. Can you please advise what approach should I take? I do really like him a lot but very cautious of being hurt too much.
Lisa

September 11, 2015 at 3:36 am

Hi Chris

I’m about 10 days into NC and thinking all sorts of things.

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for several years. We live in different countries but he comes here for several months once or twice a year. We always enjoy the time we spend together with one another but lately I feel like he’s been taking the situation for granted, not being honest about whether he has other relationships going, and generally playing games to keep his options open. This visit he’s begun taking days to reply to text conversations that he starts (a new behavior), not answering returned calls, and turning up really late for dates. Plus he is vague about when he is leaving the country, giving me no idea of how long he is actually here for this time. For me, this was all beginning to fall into the category of ‘unacceptable behaviors’, so when he took several days to respond to a message from me for the second time, 10 days ago, then responded without offering any explanation as to why, I decided at that point to just ignore it and NC him. I mostly decided to do this because I was angry and felt like I needed to step back and look at things calmly and rationally before responding, but partly also because I wanted to see how he would react. I’ve never totally ceased contact with him before. So, a week after I failed to respond to the text, he called, and I ignored it. He didn’t leave a message and he’s been totally silent since. I’m actually feeling good about not having any contact (I feel like I was wasting too much thinking time figuring out what was going on and not getting any answers), but am wondering what he is going to do next. My thoughts are, how will he react to NC if his behavior was due to the fact he was seeing someone else? What if he leaves the country within the 30 day period? I’ve no idea when he is leaving. We’ve always had a nice time when we’re together and left things on a positive note, but I was really pi**ed with him on our last date due to his turning up late so I put up a bit of a barrier. I tried to explain that I was not ok with this kind of behavior but he kind of stonewalled me. So, I’ve got no idea how he will respond to any of this. I feel like maybe he won’t care and will view it as an easy way out if he’s seeing someone else. Any insights to offer?
Cheryl

September 8, 2015 at 12:54 am

Hi Chris

My ex broke up with me a month ago.. We were together for 8years.. I said some pretty hurtful things about him to friends and it got back to him and he finished it…. For awhile he was sending me mixed signals like hugging me or kissing me lightly and we were also sleeping in the same bed… It’s very hard to apply the no contract rule as we live together as we both emigrated to another country… He said that he is very upset and depressed over everything and doesn’t no if things will ever go back to the way things used to be… He says he still cares and still has feeling for me…. He goes out all day and night and doesn’t come home till late… I’ve done the crazy gf stuff begging and pleading for him to take me back texting him all the time as I don’t have any friends here (well not anymore as they were both our friends and they’ve stuck by him)I honest don’t no what to do… To contine living like this or go home to my country which would end everything as long distance relationships don’t work out
Amber

September 6, 2015 at 1:43 am

In this article, you advise that if an ex responds neutrally to a first contact text message it is best to try again a few days later until he responds positively before proceeding. I am wondering what would be considered a positive response?
Also, I texted my ex yesterday and he replied neutrally. After we exchanged a few texts (his all neutral), I ended the conversation and he replied to my last text telling me to “have fun”. I am wondering if I should proceed with a ‘remembering the good times text’?

Amber

September 13, 2015 at 10:27 pm

Oh and he has initiated conversations with me twice now, mainly sharing what he’s been up to.
Chris Seiter

October 2, 2015 at 4:50 pm

I look at that as a good thing to be quite honest.
Amber

September 12, 2015 at 9:24 pm

And he apologized for ‘everything’ (things he did that made me break up with him I assume)
Amber

September 12, 2015 at 6:23 am

Well in the end he said to enjoy the rest of my day and to have fun (I said I was going out).

Also, a few days later I sent a text about one of our dates where we just went out for a meal together. I said I enjoyed it and he replied saying he did, too.

I’m not sure if he’s just trying to be nice, though, or if he might still be interested.
Chris Seiter

September 12, 2015 at 1:41 am

Can you give me a response example so I can tell you perhaps?
Amber

September 7, 2015 at 6:54 am

In our next text conversation I used the telling a story strategy (you mention this under ‘priming’) and my ex sent multiple texts with smiley faces and laughter in them. When we dated, he would often just send one word replies with no emoticons or laughter. Would these be considered ‘positive’ responses? Some of his texts near the end of our conversation were slightly longer than a few words, about the same length as mine.

Tina

September 1, 2015 at 2:45 pm

Hi,
I’ve contacted my ex after 5 months of NC.. I tried to forget him but I couldn’t, especially after I felt he is interested in another girl now.. So i sent him a general text and he answered positively.. in general, there were 5 messages between us in 2 days.. i was the one who sent the last message (unfortunately nothing that needs an answer) and now it’s been 4 days since our last conversation. i am dying here! i dont know what to do.. should i send him another message? should i wait for him? he probably already knows that i like him and want him back!! (the message was something like: it’s been so long since we talked and i was thinking about him, so wanted to check on him.. he answered nicely and asked about me.. i replied and he asked if i’ve seen Northern light the night before (we used to have this in common to enjoy looking at northern lights) and i told him yes, tell me when there is gonna be more, i dont wanna miss them and boom.. that was all!) sorry for the very long message! what should i do now? wait or send him another message?
Melanie

September 1, 2015 at 6:40 am

Hi Chris,

a very nice webpage and good to read.
I have a little issue and I am a bit hopeless but still trying to keep on going and fight for the relationship. My ex broke up with me because he has extreme trust issues. As from the beginning we were dating he was very careful and sensitive. He always said that he loves me so much and is just afraid to lose me. So lets say I was a bit moody because of things which had nothing to with him or us he always thought I cheated or I don’t want him. he started checking my phone / Facebook / Skype. He found nothing. Anyway, it came to a point I started to hide things. So when I met a guy I knew from the past and had lunch with him I did not tell him anymore because of his reaction. It actually only happened once that I did it but of course he found out because he checked my Facebook. He asked me if I saw that guy and I said no….of course a huge discussion followed and he said he knew I lied and he is sure I always lied. As from that day he had something against me and always blamed me. So…next issue was that my former ex is my boss. When I split from him we left each other in good terms and had still contact as it was like a friendship…when I met my ex he knew abt this connection and of course he didn’t like it. So I minimized the contact. But of course on company events or just at work we have talked. My ex even liked him and invited him and other over to our place. I was not happy abt that. Anyway, then I talked with my boss/ex abt the future and moving back to hometown and that I will require a talk in order to move on (My ex and I wanted to move back together). So…I knew my ex had issues with me talking to my boss/ex which I knew so I didn’t tell him. In the end he found out and he said now the trust is gone completely. He will move out soon and I started the NC rule hoping even he moves out he will start realizing that I never wanted to hurt him and I just wanted a future with him. Anyway…not sure it will help in this case as he really does not trust me. Before I started the NC rule I wrote a latter and even said we could make a couple therapy as an eye opener. Whatever I suggested he denied. So, not really sure this no contact rule will work…what do you think? Would be happy to hear from you.
Carol

August 30, 2015 at 10:11 pm

Hi Chris, a while back I broke up with my boyfriend because after a year he still wouldn’t introduce me as his girlfriend and acted as if we were just friends in public. He told me he had a commitment phobia. After the breakup he contacted me and said he missed me. I agreed to be friends but he wasn’t happy with that and soon we were back together. Things were great and he really seemed to be trying and introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend and we were really close. Then an old school friend of his came to town and asked if she could stay with him for two nights. After that he grew distant and reverted to his old style of pretending we were just friends in public until one night he confessed to me that he’d told his friend about me and that I had a toddler and she had told him to run a mile. A week later he told me he just wanted to be friends. I immediately started the no contact rule. He sent me a long email to say he was sorry about the break-up, that we could keep going as we were, but that he didn’t see us as a long-term relationship so thought it would be better for me if we broke up, but he missed me as a friend and could he see me. I ignored him. A week later he tried to call me. I ignored his call. Then after three weeks of no contact, he emailed me a query about a bill. It was lame, but I was forced to reply – which I did very briefly and ignored him again. After a month he said he had a very expensive gift for me (a water feature that I’d always wanted) and asked if he could bring it around. I turned down the gift and asked him not to contact me again because I needed to move on. He was very angry and accused me of trying to make him seem like a bad person. I sent him a very brief message in which I told him nobody had said anything about a bad person and that I only wished him well but we both needed to move on. Two weeks later I sent him friendly sms to say that our dog (which I have with me) needed to go to the vet for a checkup. He immediately responded and seemed very pleased that I’d contacted him and told me he would pay for the vet and if I would let him come around, he would take our dog to the vet. I told him it wasn’t necessary. He tried to keep the exchange going with questions about when I would take the dog etc. I told him I would let him know and that is where it ended. How do I know he isn’t trying to place me back in a friend zone?

Chris Seiter

September 2, 2015 at 3:53 am

Youll know if you are in the friend zone trust me.

He will basically not touch you in a romantic way or talk to you in a romantic way.

amypower

August 30, 2015 at 5:12 pm

Hello Chris,
We are back and forth with my ex since we broke up two and a half months ago. Everytime after no contact (the first time it was a month,the others less) that i inciate contact he responds kind of neutral or other times he doesnt respond until i put some pressure on him. We end up saying how much we love each other i end up telling him to go by his place,and we end up everytime in bed and in the arms of each other saying how much we love each other and talking and having fun. And as soon as we get separated the next day he never inciates contact.He always responds, he always reminds me he loves me but our thing is difficult and he always stays in the “i dont know” zone. I am pretty clear and ive tried to cut him off completely several times, as i was really persuaded that this was the end, but since we work in the same building i dont know i just cant. i will always think about him,i will always do the move after weeks of no contact and sincere tries of getting over him and stop thinking about him. Even my own family doesnt want to talk to me anymore due to this back and forth. Yesterday after about 3-4 weeks of no contact at all i ended up texting and then went by his place even spending the night into his arms. He woke up into the night anxious that i had gone. But then again,today he is back to the “i dont know how we’re going to handle this” zone. Please please just give me a piece of advice over here, cause i really cant understand i dont see him using me but i cant be sure how to handle it too since i’ve tried everything. Thanks Chris
Sally

August 26, 2015 at 12:09 am

Having a hard time finding info to help my situation. Bought your book about a month ago. I’m 30. He’s 33

Dated for 7 months. Long distance. Saw each other at least once a month for at least a week. Said I love you to each other.

When visiting at the 7 month mark , Found out he cheated. About a month before. He told me sparks not there for us any more . And so he wanted to try other options and I’m not the one for him. Hurt I say fine then we will go our separate ways.

I return to my home state. End up doing some begging type convincing. No success. But a few weeks go by not talking and he texts me about how much he misses me and that he was wrong. I tell him I don’t believe him. We fight over phone he makes up accusations and jealous banter.

A few weeks pass. He calls me says he will be in my state in two days and wants to see me. I tell him I know I shouldn’t but fine lets meet. We get together and have the most amazing weekend ever. I ask when we will see each other again. He says I don’t know but we will. He goes away on business and comes back. I barely hear from him while he’s on business so I send him an email saying fine it’s over I’m done! This is what you want so be it!

He returns from business and gets mad back saying it’s not what he wanted. I do not respond for several days. He drives to see me. I say this is not ok. He says please let’s try again to have a relationship. I say I don’t know. He leaves and I barely hear from him. I find out he was with another girl. When he got back to his state. I go no contact. He texts and texts and texts. After 7 days I say look its over so stop. He says he regrets taking me for granted and he was wrong and he misses me and wants to date again.
I say ok fine. After a few days of him barely acting like he really wants to date again. I’m like look I told you this wasn’t ok and I can tell I’m having to share my time with otherbwome. I’m not ok with that. He says no no no I’m the only one he’s talking to. He flys me to visit him. We have the most amazing time there. I see all his family and friends again( I had met then months and months before, and he met mine). They are all thrilled to see me. Say how I’m the one. Blah blah blah. He’s sooo into the relationship and so romantic this time. It’s an amazing week. We confide in each other like we use to. Then the last two days before I leave he’s getting text messages. The day I leave he’s responding to them and it’s other women. One that he spent time with prior in our relationship. I leave and I barely hear from him. I text him: look I had a great time thanks for everything. I miss you and when we are together and happy I love it but I’m feeling very torn and confused. He never responds so I say nothing more. A few days go by he texts saying good morning. I say nothing. Next day he’s mad and says fine don’t talk. I’ll talk. Says he was thinking of seeing me for his birthday in a few days. I say nothing. Not even on his birthday. Day after his birthday he sends me a funny puppy video LAST THURSDAY. I say nothing. Sunday night he goes back 2 weeks through my facebook posts and likes a facebook post ( I posted 2 weeks ago). He posts a photo of a boat project that I had helped him with and he was still working on. Progress looks good on the boat. I like the photo. Tuesday morning-TODAY he sends a text saying this: I just wanted to tell you that I’m thinking of you. I have said nothing. Nor will I like any other posts of his.

If I’m not the one for him. Why does he keep doing this! The other girl he was texting and pursuing is still facebook friends with him and still likes posts of his etc. there’s plenty of other women who want him. He knows how I feel. And I gave him chances. I’m not going to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t value a loyal, monogamous bond. If he can’t give them up for me then he should not bother with me. I’m not going to be his friend.

I’m restarting the no contact number at one day since I liked that one facebook post when I was12 days in. I’m thinking I’ll have to go past 30 days for him to believe that I’m not going to stand for this if he actually wants something with me. he’s extremely extremely smart. genius. Entrapenuer of several successful businesses.

This was the shortest I could get in the significant parts of the story.

Sally

August 26, 2015 at 1:47 am

I was just NOW sent a text from him that says “and I remain confused.” I’m assuming that this is a continuation of the text from him that I did not respond to this morning that said: ” I just wanted to tell you that I’m thinking of you”

Niloofar

August 25, 2015 at 11:40 am

hi i read so many of your articles but theres one thing i dont get. if a guy broke up with u specially in ghosting way. why would he care if u dont contact him at all for 30 days of even want to contact u during or after it. he made it clearly he doesnt want u.
thats so confusing. :/

Chris Seiter

August 25, 2015 at 3:29 pm

That’s a great question, he might not care but part of the goal of no contact is to reset the mindframe. So if you were super naggy, bitchy, etc. (examples) It gives you time to work on yourself and him time to forget. When you reach out with one of the texts that I mention, your response rate will be approx. 80%. It gives you the best chance you can have to rebuilding attraction.

Marie

August 23, 2015 at 11:52 pm

Hi Chris

Your website has been a Godsend to me, it’s everything I have been looking for in this hard time!

I broke up with my ex boyfriend exactly 1 year ago because I was not ready to be in a relationship due to stress, bad timing and a million life events happening at once. This caused him a huge amount of hurt at the time. I am now settled and ready to fully commit to a life long relationship with him, however I have tried everything I can think of to get back together with him but unfortunately he is now in a relationship and states this is preventing himself and I from trying again, which I became rather distraught about and we have not spoken since which was 4 days ago. Conveniently I finally feel I can try the no contact rule as a last resort. It has been 4 days but he text me today asking how I am. He is a very kind man and likes to go about things in a ‘decent’ manner I.e. meeting up to (reluctantly) tell me he was now with someone else and we can’t be together right now. One of my flaws while we were together was bad communication taking a long time to reply to him and being very vague which bothered him a lot. My concern is that this will remind him of the bad parts in our relationship if I completely stop contact bearing in mind overcoming the resistance you speak about in one of your guides. However, am I ruining the whole point of no contact if I reply to him to tell him I’m finding it too hard to be in contact with him right now?

Your advice would be greatly appreciated 🙂

Chris Seiter

August 24, 2015 at 5:38 pm

No, You have to do no contact properly. It won’t matter if it brings up those feelings because your broken up. It’s your best shot at getting back together.

Kentrice

August 21, 2015 at 6:13 pm

Hi Chris. ☺ I be just started the no contact rule three days ago on my ex. We live together in and I’ve been using your info on how to adjust the rule while living with your ex. Well my problem is that he won’t let me not talk to him. When I do communicate its short and to the point. But he gets very angry and I’m forced to talk to him. It almost starts an argument because he’s so angry. That’s not what I want. So how do I talk with him without him getting angry while living together?? Its really hard to have a conversation and to keep it short and sweet when I barely talk to him. He’s angry with me
Irene

August 20, 2015 at 7:09 am

Hi Chris and Family,

He is super pissed. Told me that I had shut a door and he considers it still shut.
Better that anger out than in!
a) Communicated
b) Turned off Messenger notification, however has not Blocked
c) Evidently not happy about my taking NC

I did not adhere to the Tide after NC (he is in a high risk category for suicide; I’m a psych, I chose to err on the side of caution when I ‘stalked’/checked he was ok and saw a pic that clearly was him expressing in relation to our situation [and linked to trauma from childhood]).

Third contact two weeks after second contact, I asked Are you OK? (our national campaign to negate high suicide rates in our ‘lucky’ country).
I said I “wonder if you are working at this, that or the other again. I reaffirmed that I took space and briefly why. I inc. a paragraph on where I was at in life that inc. going to lasertag* and exploring my new suburb. I inc. a recent pic of me and of the beach where I now live.

I am happy with the response; he is mentally ok at this point in time; he does care about the situation; and whilst he may be avoiding conscious responsibility for his part, it takes a lot of energy and at a deeper level he is aware that he was an ass for a brief period of his The Man time with me.

I re-deleted Messenger, and did not phone text. NC again in process to Respect the space he wants.
I have much hope for us to work thru the rupture between us, regardless of the time it takes. Meanwhile I am dating up a storm (when I can get a follow-thru for lasertag, so many want to downgrade a date to a ‘cuddle on the couch’. I wish them well on Tinder 🙂

I did not mention these activities were dates, just that I was getting out and about doing stuff now that I had more time due to the move of suburbs.

Whadyathink…?

Chris Seiter

September 12, 2015 at 1:07 am

Sounds to me like you made a classic mistake…

Everything I hear from you is focused on him.

The focus should be on YOU at this point.

Ann

August 20, 2015 at 1:15 am

Hello Chris,

I am doing a no contact with a man I have been on and off with for two years. The reason we broke up is because we started to argue quite a bit. I didn’t feel like he was putting me first in any of his life choices, and he is completely emotionally shut off. I was going to break up with him after a big fight, but instead I met him to discuss how we can make things better, but he just went and broke up with me instead saying “I deserve better and he can’t give me what I want”. We tried to be friends, but I realized we cannot be friends until he started crossing the line. I was upset, and he apologized. He then told me he will contact me the next day, and I told him not to. I stopped all contact with him afterwards. I care about him so much, but I want a man that is going to commit to me and make me a priority in his life. It has been 30 days of no contact and we have not contacted each other. We see each other at work, and have to pass information to one another, but I do not talk to him. He tried joking with me once by removing my name tag from my locker at work (which we always did before), but I did not reciprocate. I believe he got the hint, because he has not bothered me since. A part of me wants him back because I truly do care for him, but I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to him. If he decides he wants to be with me, I want it to be on his own terms. I thought no contact will allow me to move on, or for him to come around. Now, I feel like it is over and I’m just wondering… is there anything that I can do or is it really over?
Lilly

August 19, 2015 at 4:07 am

Hi Chris, I really need your help!
My boyfriend and I were extremely close and planned to keep in contact but not together when he left for college, I decided to do no contact after a few days and it only ended up being for about two weeks. Tonight he texted me absolutely furious about me not responding and said he was done with me and going to block me. I’m in tears and need your help. I don’t know what to do. I want to get back with him, and it seemed like he did too, but we did break up for college so I thought following NC would be a good option. What do I do? Please respond quickly ?

lilly

August 26, 2015 at 3:19 am

I would move to him winter semester if he wanted. he said before that we would’ve stayed together if I had gone to college with him.. but he’s not interested in dating people in college
Chris Seiter

August 26, 2015 at 2:50 pm

hmmm, well while in the relationship you should be honest about your feelings. When he said he didn’t want a LDR while you were together you should have gave him push back on that. No problem though, now that your broken up, continue with the no contact. Do a full 30 days and then send him a text he can’t ignore that’s positive. Check out the post on using texts to get your ex back. If he doesn’t respond to the first text which he might not, wait a week and try again. Don’t tell him you plan on going to his college until your closer/back together.
lilly

August 21, 2015 at 4:37 pm

So he called me last night and was telling me how amazing everything is with him and how hot girls love his new frat and the parties are awesome, basically trying to look good and make me jealous. He sounded very upset still with me ignoring him before, he said I should’ve talked to him before taking a break and if I hadn’t reached out last night he would’ve never spoken to me again. At the end of the conversation he told me that he misses me, seemed genuinely interested in what I’m doing/how i’ve been doing and when I asked if he would like to talk tomorrow he said straight away that his day would be packed and its his busiest day at school.. but then kind of took it back and said he would make the effort to talk if i texted him. He sounded… I don’t know.. possibly hopeful maybe relieved and said ‘ill talk to you tomorrow’.
lilly

August 21, 2015 at 12:37 am

I made it seem mutual because I knew he didn’t want a LDR but in truth, I would’ve stayed together. It is because of the distance, he’s across the country.
Chris Seiter

August 25, 2015 at 9:05 pm

Do you think there is a way for you to move out to him or him to you in the near future?
Chris Seiter

August 19, 2015 at 4:13 am

Who decided not to stay together after college? Him or you? Why did you two break up in the first place? Because of the distance?

Sweet De Leon

August 18, 2015 at 2:11 am

Hi Chris,

Warm greetings!

I broke up with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. I learned that He had another girlfriend, exactly the same length of time he had been with her. I didn’t leave right away, we were on and off due to the situation we were in. I tried to understand and gave him time to think. I knew about it after a year until I could not bear it anymore and broke up with him a month ago and started NC. On the 28th day of NC he called but I wasn’t able to answer and texted that he was upset with me. I replied and asked why. Explained politely why I broke up with him. He didn’t reply anymore. Was it right that I responded? What’s next? We have not communicated for another 18 days now. Please advise.

Thanks,

Sweet

Chris Seiter

September 2, 2015 at 3:45 am

You shouldn’t have responded to him until the 30 days were up. Do you still want him back after he cheated though?
Sweet De Leon

August 20, 2015 at 2:49 pm

Await your reply Chris

Roxanne

August 16, 2015 at 8:50 pm

Chris I have emailed yourself three times left facebook message aswell wth no reply for yourself.

I split with my partner of 5 years in 3 months ago we also have a daughter. please could you reply to the emails I have sent.

Chris Seiter

August 16, 2015 at 11:26 pm

Hi Roxanne, Sorry I have not been able to write you. I generally only answer comments on here and I’m not able to get to all of them because the number of emails and messages I get are over-whelming. What is your exact question? I will try to help you.

Brut

August 15, 2015 at 8:36 pm

I just did the NC rule for 6 weeks and he contaced me exactly on the 27th day which i did not reply. Today, just after 6 weeks and two days, i have said “how are you doing” and he never replied. Havnt text him since then.

Chris Seiter

August 17, 2015 at 10:40 pm

You need a better text then “How are you doing?” read the guide on texting to get your ex back.
Brut

August 16, 2015 at 4:56 pm

It took him more than three hours to reply even when i could tell he was online the whole time. His reply was ” i am fine” which i feel a further text from me will make me look desperate.
Honestly, I think its best for me to move on than hopefully wait for a man whom i cant even tell his whereabout. What will be, will definitely be.
Thanks Chris.
Chris Seiter

August 16, 2015 at 11:52 pm

You could try again in a week with a text that is more engaging or you can move on. It’s totally up to you.

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