The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,279 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Ilona

October 6, 2019 at 9:21 pm

I’ve been pregnant from my boyfriend for 3 months now (we both wanted the baby). He now claims that “he warned me” this may happen but never bothered to use protection. He’s been away for work for 2.5 months during which time I was highly emotional (first trimester hormones hitting the roof) and we were constantly getting in arguments. He was constantly saying we will talk about everything when he comes back which was this past Wednesday. I got a day off so I can come earlier and arrive home Thursday evening. On the morning he says to me he can’t take any more arguing so he will leave before I come back and he will move out his stuff too (all on text). I asked if this is him breaking it off and he says that we’ve been broken up for weeks (wtf)! At that point I called him a coward and he said it’s all my fault we’re broken up! Then he says he’s gotten me gifts and left them at the house – I said if tears could turn into gifts I would give them all back! So I get home and guess what – half his stuff is still there and he hasn’t returned my keys. So I ask when he’s going to pick it up – didn’t give me an exact date. Said he will post the keys (still hasn’t). Then started rambling about not being able to face me and asked me that he comes Around on his own time. I said he can feel free to do whatever he likes. All that on Thursday. Saturday morning – starts calling, texting, sending pics of cute stuff. Nothing on my side. Sunday (today) I have 14 missed calls so far at different times of the day, I have iMessages and WhatsApp’s asking me to pick up and an instagram request after he removed me last month. I haven’t budged. He asked to see me face to face – he’s going to travel on Wednesday for 3 weeks again. Sorry but I don’t think I’ll budge – he really messed up as far as I’m concerned and the flip of emotions is too sudden. Any advice? Am I doing the right thing? Ps. He hasn’t asked about the baby once!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 7, 2019 at 8:44 am

Hey there so first…. well done you on staying strong. This is why we do No Contact, he has now got the fear of loss. That you no longer care. Keep at it for 30 days if you can. And as far as conversations about the pregnancy and baby, keep it Limited NC. So if something happens or any news (boy/girl, due date etc) Hopefully if you play this right he may be asking to come back before baby arrives.

Congratulations on the baby too <3

Raya

October 3, 2019 at 3:59 am

My guy falls in “the stubborn guy” category. I will be completing NC today. The problems with me reaching out first are A)he still has me blocked everywhere for a month and B)We were in a situationship. I broke it off when he said that he can’t take our relationship public “right now”. so, if I reach out, I am just going to go back into a situationship which I do not want. He has not tried to contact me in any way over the past even though we see each other everyday. I don’t know what to do. Do I wait for his call, wait for him to unblock me and reach out or give up my dignity and try to contact him though I am still blocked on Messenger, Whatsapp and Instagram? I haven’t tried his phone yet as even if I am blocked it will send a notification that I tried to call him.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 3, 2019 at 10:08 pm

Hi Raya, so what ever reason he doesn’t want to take the relationship public – is this more of a friends with benefits situation? If so then you need to not sleep with him and work on your value chain where he feels the need to commit to you properly before you give him boyfriend benefits again. Start the NC process again and be open to dating other people while he decides if he values you enough to commit properly this time around

Cynthia Reid

October 2, 2019 at 7:52 pm

Hi Shauna, thank you so much for your reply! I’m well versed in the challenges that come with Asperger’s. I’m afraid I’ve always been attracted to the traits that come with it so have lots of experience. He’s just farther on the spectrum than anyone I’ve dated in the past and one of the biggest difficulties is knowing when the usual relationship tools work and when they will be ineffective because of the AS.
Trial, error and communication seem to be the keys LOL
Thank you again, you ROCK!
Cynthia
Cynthia Reid

October 2, 2019 at 4:00 am

Hi Chris,
I’m 8 days into NC with my ex. We dated for 18 months and broke up in May, his idea. We were truly miserable, I had tried to break it off twice but both times he cried and we would try again. We had decided to remain friends, both declaring that we were totally in love with each other but it just couldn’t work. He has always made it clear he would never say those words unless he truly felt them. He has Asperger’s and emotions are not easy for him and I have a preoccupied anxious attachment style. Since we’ve broken up we’ve both been independently working really hard through therapy to be more stable in our own lives. I decided to go NC 8 days ago because during our entire relationship I had to initiate EVERYTHING because of his Asperger’s. So now, 8 days in, I get a text from him saying he loves me and misses me and that he wants to connect when he gets back from a job next week.
My biggest question… With the emotional cluelessness of Asperger’s does the NC still work? I didn’t answer his text and my intuition is telling me it’s working.
Any insight on cluelessness, being on the spectrum and the no contact rule would be much appreciated.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 2, 2019 at 7:45 pm

Hi Cynthia, I think that your situation will have to reach out yourself, but yes still do the NC and it will affect your ex even if he chooses not to show it. You will have to have patience again to get back to where you were but you are aware of his situation so that is half the battle. However, you may find that you having to initiate for the remainder of your relationship or future relationship with him. Part of Aspergers is not really being able to express themselves the way we expect them to, and some not at all. If you want your relationship with your ex to go forward I would maybe put in some work to understanding how complex Aspergers can be

De

September 28, 2019 at 10:25 pm

Wonder if your ex is in a rebound relationship. (One week they were together post breakup) will the no contact still work? Or will he move on and forget about me since he is now with someone new. I must add we were together 4 years.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 29, 2019 at 7:14 pm

Hey De, so yes it will still work you just need to read up on the being there method

Candice

September 28, 2019 at 5:41 am

Hi there,

I have read this article but I am so confused. My situation is very different from others. I am a married woman who had an affair with a guy at work for about three months. Then we had a gap of a month and a half as I had to travel. And during this time he hardly messaged me and I felt like i was the only one texting and messaging. He would reply when i would text. So one day I messaged and asked if he missed me and he said I miss you a little bit sometimes. This really hurt me and so I told him and asked him what happened and why was he saying this. He replied by saying he feels that I am pressurising him. Anyways that conversation ended with him saying I really dont have time for this we will talk when you feel better. After that I stopped messaging but he messaged randomly once a week like a random picture or something.
When I got bk I tried to discuss via messages trying to ask what happened and he replied by saying: oh not this again. I mentioned that I would like to meet and he was reluctant infact made many excuses and said uve just got back so relax. Basically things have been downhill from there. I went to see him at work one day and he was shocked to see me and behaved in an ultra casual way. He was not happy to see me and when I asked again if everything is okay I got the same response relax relax its okay with a lame expression on his face.
I know that I cant expect much from this relationship but I am so beat up about what happened. I finally got the courage and messaged him saying its best we do not talk again. Its been two weeks and I haven’t heard from him. Is this the NC rule? Will he ever want to talk to me? After all he seemed to be distant from a long time. What should I do?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 29, 2019 at 9:07 pm

Hi Candice, it really depends on what you want to do with this affair. If you want to go back to seeing him then you do need to complete a NC and work on what you think attracted you to each other in the first place. The issue is he knows you are married so most likely assumed that your relationship was going to be an affair which is where he talks about the pressure.

Jackie

September 28, 2019 at 5:17 am

It’s been 11 days if N.C. it’s killing me and I don’t know if it’s really over or not. We dated causally for 3 years then exclusively for another 3. Over that time we have had short break ups. Never more than 10 days sometimes he broke sometimes I did.
He broke up with me every time. Usually the same story, he likes his space, is ok if he’s never in a long term relationship etc. He still loves me and wants me to be happy but… ( we have both had long marriages that ended) he invoked a lie I had told him about a previous life before him(I was not ready to share but he kept pushing) that happened over 3 years ago as the reason he could never “give himself to me fully” which I think is bogus since we have been together for 3 years and there has been complete honesty though he sometimes accuses me of lying. I think this is his fallback excuse when he gets scared we are moving forward. This time feels different though. I’m scared if I wait 30 days he will really move on and I want him back. We both have baggage from our previous lives still to “unpack”. I go between thinking I should let it go and wanting him back because I love him. What should I do?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 29, 2019 at 8:21 pm

Hi Jackie, this situation seems that he doesn’t quite value enough to commit fully. Like you said gets scared when it comes to progressing. The 30 days NC will actually do you some good to decide if he is want you want and if you do, you need to work on increasing the value chain to be Ungettable to your ex and makes him have the fear of loss. This all can be found on the website through articles.

Raya

September 26, 2019 at 5:24 am

Hi Chris
It’s been 23 days since we broke up and 19 days since NC. Don’t really know if we can call it a breakup since we weren’t in an official relationship. That’s actually why we broke up. I asked him to take us public and he kept saying “not now” due to some problems which sounded lame to me. After seven months, I finally had the courage to utter the words “it’s over.”
Here comes the hard part, we see each other every day. We are classmates and it’s a pretty small class. He didn’t block me the day we broke up but the next day after he realized that I am serious about the breakup. Now, I am blocked everywhere. We see each other everyday and he pretends like nothing has happened, like we never happened. He is back to doing all those things that were main causes of the breakup, being a flirt and all.
Meanwhile, I am in so much pain. It looks like he has moved on.
My problem isn’t just getting him back. I also want a commitment and a public relationship. I do not want a situationship again.
I am a shy girl and never had any guy friends except him.
Please help me.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 26, 2019 at 8:56 pm

Hi Raya, so you need to complete a NC with this guy and reach out again, what happens when you have a relationship that is ‘unofficial’ they get the benefits of a relationship without having the title. So you need to make him see your value and you are not willing to settle for less from him anymore

Kelly grant

September 24, 2019 at 8:20 pm

I’ve been dating a guy for 2 years off and on. The last couple of months he’s been distant. He says he is depressed. He hasn’t ask to see me in 2 months either. I was already thinking he was going to ghost me, again, at any time.
We talked everyday, but the talks got shorter. Then it was my birthday…. I talk to him in the morning, he said nothing about my birthday. So at 11:50pm I text him “today was my birthday. Good night.”
I haven’t heard from him since nor have i tried to contact him. It’s been 4 days. I’m not even sure if we broke up. It weird and my head is all over the place.
I should also add that his best friend past away on my birthday 2 years ago. Maybe thats why he not only forgot my birthday but is now MIA. Help!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 26, 2019 at 8:47 pm

Hi Kelly, on some levels you can sympathise that its the anniversary of his best friends death the day is hard but it is easy to send a text to you. If the NC from him continues without a decent explanation I would continue NC for 30 days and then reach out to see if he replies then, if you want to by then that is

Midstorm

September 20, 2019 at 4:27 pm

Hello Chris,
I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for the last 6 months. We met through work when we traveled for business and spend time almost all the time we could when we would see each other before it was time to wrap up and go back to our respective homes. We live 2 states apart. Our relationship hasn’t been the best because when we fight or argue, initially he’d ghost me for 2-5 days. Then say he’s scared of what the future will be with this distance and time passing and us not being able to see each other. I told him we could set some rules where we see each other once a month but he would always make excuses or was never strong headed to come see me.He’d day my family back home needs me and other such things. He seems confused. But stubborn. He used to be very gentle with me until lately it feels like he doesn’t care. There used to be a time when he couldn’t see me cry and now it makes no difference to him. He tells me with time and distance it feels like I’m fading. He doesn’t know how he feels. He has stopped calling or texting or he’d text me or call me once in 2-3 days. His routine seems more important to him to a point that he told me he has no time for me. Initially he used to throw a tantrum if he couldn’t see my face or talk to me over facetime for even 2 minutes. I don’t know the reason for these drastic changes. I’m positive there is no one else but i don’t know what I’m suppose to do. We were very serious and he’d always talk to me about a future and eventually me moving to him. he doesn’t do that anymore. He doesn’t call me by the nick names he had for me. He won’t answer my calls or will leave my messages on read. Please help. I want him back but as a changed person. All the fights that we have had, he’d never take ownership of it. Never admit that it takes two to clap and he’d always find me to blame for practically anything even if he know he’s in the wrong. He isn’t a bad person but I miss the man I fell in love with. I don’t recognize this person anymore. He has no experience with relationships before. I was his first and he has been taking me for granted ever since. All our fights will land up with him ignoring all my calls and text for straight 2-3 days and then calling or texting me back after i’ve pleaded and begged. This is the same story each time. I initiated the break up and all he replied was “That’s fine” and have not contacted him ever since.
Vaani

September 20, 2019 at 6:10 am

Hi Chris,
I am in a long distance relationship for 1.5 yrs now and connected on social media & a common whatsapp group. Over this time we had a disagreement only once when he ghosted me. I convinced him back and since then it’s been 8-9 months & we never had an arguement. Recently his dad passed away and is going through family & work commitments. We had a brief chat and he broke down emotionally. I assured him that he can call me whenever he feels like talking. During this time I also made plans to meet him in his country and he was going to join me at a new location for some change. Last time when i texted him asking of how he was doing, he replied that he’s sorry he can’t do this anymore and has gone through a lot lately and wants space. I messaged him back that i understand his situation he can message / call me when he wants to and I left it at that. It’s been 2 weeks since we last texted however we are on a common whatsapp group and i am active on it with other friends. I notice him reading my messages. Does it breach the NC period where i am not communicating with him direct ? Also it’s his birthday in a few days & i’m not sure if i should wish him ? Also I have my plans fixed of reaching his country in 2 weeks. How do i approach him of taking out time to meet me as we agreed. Not sure if he thinks i am taking away his space. please help me..i’m really confused

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 21, 2019 at 5:39 pm

Hi Vaani, stick with your NC until the end do not reach out to family or mutual friends regarding him. You need to have this time apart. Then you start texting phase not meeting straight away. Dont rush the value chain

sarah

September 3, 2019 at 7:33 pm

Hi Chris, me and my boyfriend have been together just over a year and everything has been amazing and we made each other so happy. I had no clue it was coming, we had exciting things planned and he was always telling me how in love with me he was. He broke up with me a week ago saying he has had 2 weeks of doubts out of nowhere but he didn’t want to lead me on if he wasn’t 100% sure..still telling me he loved me and cared about me (we were both complete messes as we said goodbye) we exchanged a few messages the next day to agree not to speak for a while and i have done the NC for 1 week now. Im struggling a lot but don’t know how he’s feeling or why he hasn’t messaged me already when i know he’s hurting and wanted to stay in contact.
Paula

August 24, 2019 at 6:18 am

Hey Chris,
So me and my fiance (6 years) engaged for 3 months broke up in July 14th after he walked out of the house with his things. I did not apply no contact and we agreed to go to therapy which we did for a few days after the breakup then he stopped. I would occasionally text him to say hi and his responses were “I am alive” weird. I couldn’t live at the apartment anymore because a lot of memories and I called him about his other things he said “throw them” I think it’s out of anger he was angry all the time I reach out. So 3 weeks after the breakup up I decided to initiate NC. Too bad 15 days in NC I thought he blocked me so I texted “Hey Mike” and he responded very quick actually with ‘yes’. I thought it was rude and I was like I can’t go through this pain anymore. So I stopped texting him. A week later today I don’t know what to do, should I restart the NC or move on?
Laura

August 22, 2019 at 5:34 pm

Hey Chris, Laura again,
‘I prefer you didn’t’…5 weeks and counting, NC after that. Understand that you said NC doesn’t work second time around, but it seems your TIMELINES for action on his part are golden. As in he is stalking my linkenin profile. I have a very very active social calendar, B4 him, with hm, after, etc… He doesn’t do social media but I have FB, just started posting some pics to ‘public’ now. Your thoughts?
LB

August 15, 2019 at 6:05 pm

Hello, I’m on the 4th week of no contact. My ex dumped me. Even though we did not see each other much. We went from once a week to once every few weeks due to my new job, but he said he was ok with it and looked forward to our planned vacations. One day I asked him about marriage and he basically told me not to invest in him. I was very hurt and confused with his response because he did not indicate marriage being a problem before. So the next night I was crying over the situation and when I called him several times, his phone kept going straight to voicemail. So I drove over to discuss the situation with him. To my surprise, there was a woman in the house and he would not answer the door. He finally came out once his son got home, let me in and introduced us to each other (name to name) no titles. He said she was just a friend, but it was after 10pm at night. She seemed untouched by the situation and said it was nice meeting me as she left. My ex started going on about me popping up not knowing if he wants to ever get married or have the responsibilities of a relationship. He seemed to talk about a previous relationship and experiences in the past that left a bad taste in his mouth. He has brought up this prior relationship before and it seems as if he never healed from the break up. He even said if she had my ride or die attitude he would had married her, but she was a quitter. So I told him if a relationship from 10 years ago was bothering him then he needs to go to counseling. He said he would think about it and we’ll talk later. Well, the day after, he went from lovely boyfriend to cold, no term or endearments, no good morning texts…ect. A few days later he broke it off with me over the phone. He did not seem remorseful and made it seem like it was him and gave a bunch of excuses, like my kids are young and his are grown. A few days later he was seen going out with a woman. I now believe he was able to detach because he was dealing with her for months before this came up. As far as aftertaste, we did not argue and I thought our relationship was good except the lack of time that he did not seem to mind. We dated for 5 years. He has not attempted to contact me and I have not contacted him. How could a man go from saying he loves me and treating me well to become a cold person who basically threw me away as if I did something to him? I feel he started stringing the relationship along after a while and jumped at the chance to break it off when I asked about marriage. I want him to feel bad and miss me, but at the same time. I don’t even know what happened?? help clarify please? Will he ever attempt to come back.
Satyajay Mandal

August 15, 2019 at 12:33 pm

As much I think,nobody whom you are reluctant to get contacted from can contact (or even try to do the same) you,especially if you are a fresher and he/she is a senior,because in that case if you lodge a complaint,he/she can be lodged up in jail and his/her registration cancelled and in many cases, his/her dissertation/thesis rejected by the authority who can issue a notice to the person supervising it
Jess

August 4, 2019 at 4:40 pm

Hey Chris! This is the long version of my story!
Hi! I’m Jessica, I’m 23yo female. It’s a long story, but I hope someone reads and helps me out of this! 🙂
Relationship Background: Me and my boyfriend got into a relationship last July to August as we then went on a 4 month break, that he wanted because of misunderstandings. I tried a lot to convince him, but he said nothing was possible now. We were really good friends for almost an year before. He came back later in December, after 4 months. Things were great. But he decided to be “just friends”, after another small fight, very soon. But things got back to normal, as friends. His behaviour rather turned out to be great and it felt as if he was making room for a better relationship. He told me and one of the guys that I was “marriage material”, even though he had no plans of getting married anytime soon. He introduced me to his friends also. Celebrated Valentine’s, as “friends”. Without me having to ask even a single thing. He was doing all the “boyfriend” stuff now.
Current situation:
He started distancing himself all of a sudden and spending time with another girl from our class. She was someone I never really liked and he knew. She had always been mean and selfish. (He was an extern, so knew her for as much time as he knew me – 2years) This girl had a boyfriend, but kept coming close to my boyfriend. Things started going downhill as I kept asking him about his changed behaviour, not replying to texts etc. One day, over the call he got agitated and told me I was immature and irrational, jealous, competitive etc.. and he didn’t want friends like that and wouldn’t contact me once college was over. I felt relieved, sad, angry. DecisdD not to talk. Midnight he sent me a text telling me he was good to all and would be good to me too. I chose not to reply or talk. He would hold the door for me, get a chair, say something unnecessary, but I didn’t respond. But all I really wanted was for him to man up, speak to me and apologize. He didn’t. I kept noticing how he’d spend time with her. One day, I noticed he had unfollowed me. After a few days he blocked me too. 2 days later the girl in context too blocked me, idk why. I felt angry. Later, I got a friend request from her boyfriend. I ignored it. But one day, when I couldn’t bear it, I called him, after 60 days of not contacting him. He didn’t pick up my call and instead blocked my number. Next day when I went up to talk to him, he said he didn’t want to, and that he had moved on months ago, didn’t care even if I die, and that that would be the last time we were talking and he didn’t want ANY kind of relation with me or wanted to be associated. I couldn’t figure out why. When asked about the girl, he told me he wasn’t close and didn’t know her boyfriend and stuff. She used to post about her boyfriend, and my boyfriend had made his presence felt on a few other post by commenting, so didn’t seem valid. The very next day she was all dressed up and my gut told me she was gonna go out with him. And it was confirmed later in a few days as she put up a display picture with heart over the guy’s face. I could recognise it was him. :/ I stayed shut. But then in real I saw no signs of them being together. I didn’t see the sparks that people told we had. Nobody did. Recently, I texted the girl’s now ex-bf, just to get some clue. And he tilt me she was just using my boyfriend, as he used to get her stuff from outside (we lived in hostel). And drop her to her hometown often. I was shook. I never knew this! He told me during their breakup, over the last call he was crying and she sent him pictures of her posing as if kissing him on the cheeks, told him she was so in love and it was her new bf, she went in to tell him how the kiss was. -_- He told me she was very clever. It was her 10year long relation, he lived in another city. She used to pretend to be nice ONLY when my boyfriend was around. I noticed that he couldn’t stand me talking to a guy he didn’t like. He tried to pull him away. And I have noticed him looking at me several times, caught him looking at me, when I wasn’t looking and he was with her. I sent him the picture where his face was hidden with a long text, but he blocked me there too. College is done and we all are back home, away from each other. I can’t and don’t want to move on but I barely see any sign of him coming back. Still blocked no call/text. He commented on one of her pictures calling her a “queen”. Idk what is going on! He says she’s helped him alot, but she never has helped anyone. I helped her, but only got her usual arrogance in return. Since I did a little research, she looks up videos on how to break up.. when will she stop missing her ex.. and again when to break up. How can you break up with someone if you’ve already broken up with “one”.
Would be happy to receive an answer on how/when/will.. I get him back. Been about 4 months now since we’ve had a talk. Just no talk or just arguments.
Jess

August 4, 2019 at 4:31 pm

Hi Chris! How to deal with the angry ex.
He was behaving differently, spending time
with another girl, ignoring me, leading me to get into a fight, he said he didn’t want to be friends anymore so I chose the no contact. But after two months, he still spent time with her and was super angry and reluctant when I tried to talk. He said he wasn’t that close to her. The girl cheated on her bf of 10years several times. I later got to know he helped her out a lot of times and she was just using him. Not sure if they are dating. Been 4 months now that we’ve talked -the fight. He has blocked me and she did too. And we live in different cities now. Please help. I tried to be the best, but couldn’t deal with him ignoring me and spending time with her.
Jess

August 4, 2019 at 3:35 pm

How to deal with the angry ex.
He was behaving differently, spending time
with another girl, ignoring me, leading me to get into a fight, he said he didn’t want to be friends anymore so I chose the no contact. But after two months, he still spent time with her and was super angry and reluctant when I tried to talk. He said he wasn’t that close to her. The girl cheated on her bf of 10years several times. I later got to know he helped her out a lot of times and she was just using him. Not sure if they are dating. Been 4 months now that we’ve talked -the fight. He has blocked me and she did too. And we live in different cities now. Please help. I tried to be the best, but couldn’t deal with him ignoring me and spending time with her.
Tia

August 1, 2019 at 1:52 pm

Hi Chris.
My ex and I have been dating for 3 and a half years, however he decided to break up with me at the end of May. I have been trying to contact him but he has blocked me off all social media accounts and even blocked my phone calls. So I’ve decided to implement the NC rule for this month. The relationship did end off on bad terms with both of us accusing each other of not being a good partner, and furthermore families were involved trying to resolve our conflict. Do you think there is a way that I can get him back ?

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4,279 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”