The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,279 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Janice Everett

April 18, 2019 at 11:06 pm

Chris -This is Janice again! Why do you think that the guy that came back into my life just recently told me that he was recently engaged to a woman that he just met?
Camy

April 18, 2019 at 8:10 am

I have been married for 15 years with this guy. One day, in the middle of thd night had everything packed and moved out with another woman without saying anything. He complains to everybody he has been a victim. It’s been 2 years and a half and since then he refuses to talk to me. So, no contact at all. Is it possible that he never loved me?? He seems to be very happy with this woman and when I tried to talk to me for some reason (he still had the residence at my address, but now, one week ago he asked me for the divorce paper in order to move his domicile to her address). Is it possible not to feel anything at all for me?? I still feel him everywhere, as if he’s with me all the time. If he just moved with another person this is not a rebound relationship right? Too many years passed already. He got used to her. And what s curious is that he never posted pictures with me and him on social media or give me hearts and likes for every post on Facebook. She did with her all the time, from the very moment she moved, post pictures with them and goes with her everywhere. With me in 15 years we went out on vacations only 4 times but with her went everywhere. Pls tell me. what is going on, what is he thinking or if he ever come back… 🙁
Janice

April 17, 2019 at 10:45 am

Hi Chris! I have been knowing this guy since 2013. He is a very emotional person who is very argumentative. He doesn’t know how to effectively communicate with people without constantly getting hostile. He stays angry most of the time. At one point in time several years ago, he wanted us to be in a relationship, but I wasn’t ready at that time! So, we faded out of each other’s lives for a while. So, about 4 weeks ago, he called me out of the blue and told me he wanted to come and visit me and that he was in his car and close to my house. So, I met him out in the street and we hung out and then, we checked into a hotel. We had sex and then, the next morning, I got up and had to run some errands, so, after I ran my errands, I went back to the hotel and he was asleep and it appeared he had been drinking quite a bit of beer based on all of the beer cans that were in the trash can! When I walked into the hotel room, the whole entire room smelled like feces. So, I woke him up and pulled the sheets back and his sheets were covered in feces. He refused to get out of the bed and take a shower because he was too embarrassed! Then, he started yelling and screaming at me, so, I told him to go home, so, we could check out if the hotel and he got up and put on his clothes and drove 3 hours back to his home where he lives. I haven’t heard from him since and I have tried to contact him several times, and he blocked me. So, yesterday, I decided to call him and he answered his phone and immediately told me that he was engaged to a woman that he has only known for 30 days and that he was off the market and told me that he hopes I find someone and hung up the phone on me! Please give me some advice about this situation. He still appears to be very angry with me and I didn’t do anything wrong!

Chris Seiter

April 17, 2019 at 2:04 pm

HI Janice..Yes, anger can fly in the way of making reasoned decisions and he seems to be acting from an angry place. Consider implementing No Contact. You can tap into my Program to learn more.

Leah

April 15, 2019 at 8:50 am

Hi Chris,

I’ve known the guy I was dating for 4 years and we had been dating for 2 months. We agreed to be exclusive however a few weeks ago I asked him if he wanted to be with me. He said “not yet. I don’t jump into things quickly as I want to be sure”. The following weekend I was drunk and slept with someone else. Out of guilt, and wanting to work on having a trusting relationship, I told him. He now wants nothing to do with me and said there is no chance we will get back together. Is there anyway you can help? Or am I doomed with this one?

Chris Seiter

April 15, 2019 at 2:27 pm

Hi Leah…so 4 years helps with pulling each of you back into the other’s orbit. That time together usually will create a bond that is hard to simply throw away easily. Its best to have an ex recovery plan to optimize your chances. That is what I specialize in!

BridgeOverTroubledWaters

April 15, 2019 at 5:39 am

Hi!
Long time reader of your site, but always failed before when I’ve tried. This is my longest relationship now, a few years, and I love him very much. I’m off doing research in a foreign country – it has been one month and I have one more to go, trying to message him exciting stories and pictures, pictures he likes- but now he has set me to ignore on Facebook (the setting that makes someone a stranger, puts them in message requests- but doesn’t block them, just makes it so they can’t call), right after I convinced him to talk to me on the phone (it went well, he sounded sad but…we just talked, tried to remind him of fun things). Right before that he had been hanging up when I tried to call. We lived together the last 2 years.

When I left we had a small fight, but all our issues have been small – like about tidyness, and he was still sweet when be took me to the airport. I know the last year has left a bad aftertaste for him, I’ve been very ill and stressed, he’s had family issues. I’m afraid that the less I contact him, he’ll convince himself even more that we aren’t right -since he focuses only on the bad things. He’s trying to end things but part of it is the family issues and grief – he can’t handle that stress. I want some encouragement that no contact could work and that it’s not just playing a game, that it won’t create resentment later? Is it normal for them to try forms of blocking the other first, like he is now? Have you ever heard of a case where the guy acts like he’s being “forced” and rebels against everything (we’re in our late 20s) that makes him feel that way in the relationship? I told him he was free, to try and relieve this…it just made things worse! The silence from him and disinterest is driving me crazy, I feel so alone where I am and I’d love to talk to him and share my stories, he was my closest friend for a while now. But in the last few months before I left, he’d been saying meaner and meaner things, that he thinks I won’t succeed and the relationship has been a lie.

I called him from a literal island paradise before he blocked me, so I really am just stunned and confused.

What’s going on and can no contact resolve this kind of thing? I will do it to get him back, without a doubt, if it could work. Otherwise I need to contact him to get my important stuff moved from his place right away. Trying to decide the best course of action a d why he’s being like this…any insight?

Thank you so much for your site!

Chris Seiter

April 15, 2019 at 2:30 pm

HI there “Bridge Over…” Thanks for reading my site I do think giving each other space can help. You can give him a heads up as to why you need some alone time and allow the process to work in its various forms. Pick up my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” or “EBR Pro” if you have not already as it will help guide you thru this process.

Neena

April 12, 2019 at 3:43 am

Hi Chris , i initiated breakup with my boyfriend as he had pulled away fr almost a month. He made it clear he had pulled away because of certain issues with him at home and work and it had nothing to do with me. Even though he pulled away i would send him romantic notes, appreciate him, gave him surprise visit which he loved, cooked food for him , got him stuff. And since he pulled away i was confused whether he wantrd to breakup.. And when i asked him he would tell me he had no intentions of breaking up. We have been in a relationship for 4months, and last one month i had to do everything including calling him.. He had taken me for granted and tahts why i decided to call it off woth a polite message..he didnt respond for one week neither did i.. So exactly after a week he msgs me sayin he cant believe i didnt have the patience to deal with him and wished me all the best.. I didnt respond to tht and in an hour he tries to initiate a casual conversation to which i didnt respond. Today is my 8th day of NC. How should i go about it

Chris Seiter

April 13, 2019 at 1:45 am

Hi Neena…best to be guided by an ex recovery plan so you understand all of the elements of implementing NC!

Leslie

April 12, 2019 at 12:25 am

Hello Chris,

I was wondering if the NC works with marriages as well, we are currently waiting for divorce papers in the mail… I feel that with the divorce finalized there will be no going back… Also he is what you call the angry guy. I’m afraid my marriage is not salvageable. We both have made the same exact huge mistakes but he feels that mine is somehow worse. He’s also started seeing other women and it’s only been a month since I left. He states that he wants nothing to do with me and says terribly hurtful things.
Ange

April 6, 2019 at 2:58 pm

Hello,

So I split up with my partner in February.. couple of days not talking and decided to keep contact there as we have a baby together. Then we started talking romantically and planning dates etc. Now things have taken a turn for the worst due to child maintenance.. don’t need to go into detail but he said for me to stay out of his life for good, I sent a closure message and told him to speak to my mum to arrange days for contact. His reply was he would rather go through me but it’s ok if I don’t want to.

So, I haven’t replied and wanted to do NC. Is it possible to do when a child is involved? Or should I just be amicable and keep it strictly to contact for our baby?

Any help will be great.

Chris Seiter

April 7, 2019 at 12:41 am

HI Ange…Yes, NC can be done when children are mixed finances are involved….it becomes limited No Contact as you make practical exceptions as needed.

Ava

April 4, 2019 at 2:18 am

Hi Chris,
I caught my boyfriend cheating a week before my trip to go see him! We were in a long distance relationship! I went into no contact immediately after the break up, he tried indirectly to get a reaction out of me a couple of times but I didn’t react! 3 months later I deleted all my social media account as I didn’t want them. I had his number blocked. The day after I deleted my social media whatsapp telegram etc he contacted me from a different number saying happy new year which I didn’t respond to. I believe he just wanted to make sure I still have the same number as he didn’t mention in his text any name! I just know it’s him from the area code and all! It’s been 4 days Since his text but he didn’t text further! I didn’t respond because I wasn’t sure of his intentions! After all he cheated! What do you think the purpose of his text was and do you think I’m doing the right thing to not respond? Previously I would respond to him right away but this time I can’t seem to forgive him because he crossed the line.
ayla

April 3, 2019 at 12:47 pm

hi again chris
you said i should look for some texts to see were my relationship stands but i still feel i need time
cuz i was hurt and i still am even though i want my relationship back
so my question is here if i don’t contact him judt cuz I’m not ready the plan for getting him back won’t work or what
i don’t know how to Express what i mean but I hope you help me with this
thanks:)
Rosemarie

February 28, 2019 at 12:35 am

My ex and I were together for 3 years. We were long distance and my last visit to see him was on December 24th. I only was able to see him for 6 days. We had one fight out of all the days I was there, and later on talked things over. Before the day I left I cried in his arms telling him that I was tired of the distance and I wanted to be together for once and not have to part. He agreed kissed my face and held me to comfort me. He told me if we didnt work out he would never marry. In January we were perfect again saying “I love you so much” daily rather than just “I love you” we constantly were there for one another supporting each other and he even called me to keep my head above water when something bad happened. Around January 29th everything fell apart. He stopped telling me he loved me, and everytime we spoke something Id do would be wrong. He’d always find a reason to become angry with me and blame me. I always was calm and tried reassuring him that it wasnt what he thought, but he didn’t believe me. He broke up with me on February 4th over the phone. He claimed he wanted to live in complete isolation with absolutely no one by his side because he wasnt good with people. We talked on the phone for four hours until 5am even though we both had work in the morning. (He recently joined the Army as well) At the end of that phone call he said that no matter what state or situation it was always the same, meaning he couldnt stop loving me, he even stated “the perpetual torture of it all”. Yesterday his brother asked him if he was going to take me back. He told him various things “No, Im not going back to her. Shes not what I want anymore.” Along with saying I never changed and that I was “fake”. He then texted me a long paragraph about how the relationship as a whole was a waste of time, money, and effort etc. he claimed I was nothing special and I gave the same amount of love his ex did, but that wasnt what hit me. He told me, “Im done with you, this time, for good.” I felt sick to my stomach and went home early from work. I responded to him with respect and blocked him on everything to keep myself from looking back. Part of me wishes I didnt block him, but knowing him in the past he would always block me. He told his brother as well that he wants companionship with a woman, but not with me anymore.
G

February 25, 2019 at 9:23 am

Hello,

Me and my boyfriend split up a few days before New Year’s Eve. He split up with me because every time we go out and when drink is involved we always end up arguing and saying nasty things to each other. I know this isn’t healthy but the rest of the time when we aren’t out drinking, our relationship is amazing and we are really happy together. We really bounce of each other and he’s been really good to me.

However, when we broke up he said he wants someone who he can go out with and drink with on occasions but that doesn’t work for us because every time we go out together both of us end up getting too drunk. When he was breaking up with me, I suggested we don’t drink together because it isn’t good for our relationship. However, he said he wants to be able to drink with someone. I’m not sure why this is so important because you can have fun with out getting smashed.

After he broke up with me, he carried on speaking to me but we didn’t see each other and he kept texting me saying how much he loves me and misses me so then he asked to get back with me about 3 weeks ago. So I got back with him and of course I was so happy.

He then broke up with me again yesterday saying he is really angry at me and I’ve really hurt him and i don’t see how much I’ve hurt him and he wants to erase me from my mind and move on because he isn’t in love with me anymore because I’ve hurt him and I haven’t realised.

After saying all of this to me, he then started kissing me and saying it’s going to be okay but we can’t be together and we both need to move on. It’s confusing because last week he was telling me he loves me and missed me and now hes breaking up with me again.

Please help me! I don’t know what to do! Because he has blocked me on everything- my number, WhatsApp, social media. I have no way of contacting him and it’s driving me crazy and I only saw him yesterday.

I’ve read through your article and I’m not sure which one he is. He is angry at me and very hurt and he’s an extremely sensitive guy. He seems to hate me right now.

I love him and I am also hurt because I am confused and I really want to speak to him but I don’t want to push him away.

We didn’t speak about the NC yesterday but he has asked me yesterday not to contact him again or speak to him ever again.

Please help?

Thank you, G

Chris Seiter

February 26, 2019 at 1:35 am

Hi there G! I see a lot has been happening and you have been thru a lot. Are you using my Program as it will help you a lot with properly implementing NC!

andrea bender

February 21, 2019 at 2:09 pm

My SO and I have been together for 10 years. We have had a few on and off again events but always come back together. He has a very stressful job and up to this point we’ve always seemed to work around it. However, 2 weeks ago he broke up with me citing trust issues, for things he THOUGHT I did. For the record, I have never strayed nor have I had a desire to. I’m as monogamous as anyone can ever be.I am outgoing but not flirtatious, as far as “I” can tell. I’ve tried to explain to him that he is mistaken and that there has never been anyone else. How can I prove to him that I am faithful to him only and just because he perceives me as attractive, that does not mean im going to stray.? How can I regain his trust? How can the NC rule help. What do I do?

Chris Seiter

February 21, 2019 at 10:34 pm

Hi Andrea!

I pretty sure I answered your question as you also reached out by my “Contact Form”!

An

February 18, 2019 at 10:59 pm

Hi Chris,
First of all thank you for all the work you have done, it has been really helpful!
I have had no conact with my boyfriend of 3 years, for over a couple of weeks now as we have gone on a “break” to calm down,take a step back and think about not only the relationship but also take a look at ourselves. We also agreed not to date/talk to other people. As hard as it has been this time apart has been really good for me to realise the mistakes I was making (primarily not listening, bad communication and being too dependent) and also to reflect on myself and start making changes to my own life. However, I am now stuck as to how to start communication again. I dont want to be too pushy or too needy, but also feel like enough time has passed and I want us to decide if we will continue together or go our separate ways because this limbo is no fun. Should I send a normal message asking how his weekend was or go straight into it and basically say what i said above? Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks!
Lindsay Caldwell

February 17, 2019 at 9:17 pm

I started no contact late. I was going to try immediately, but we stared talking a couple of days later, and talked like friends for a few weeks. Yesterday, after trying to get myself to start NC for days, I told him that I was going to take a break for a month. He flipped out and is so angry. He blocked me in one location but hasn’t on most social media. When he flipped out he said how now there will be no chance for reconciliation in the future and how he doesn’t understand why I’m doing this. Called me out for stuff he didn’t like that I did in the relationship. (Nothing terrible like cheating or anything).

I’m so scared that he really won’t be open to trying again in the future. But I also think he was just so upset in the moment that maybe when he calms down he won’t be so averse to it. Guess I’m just venting but any insight is appreciated as well.

Chris Seiter

February 17, 2019 at 11:01 pm

HI Lindsay!

I think he just overreacted. NC periods need not be 30 days, it can be shorter and there are times when you can make exceptions to NC given certain factors. I wrote about it in my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book (245 pages). You should take a look at that resources to help guide you thru all this.

Broken

February 15, 2019 at 3:42 pm

My ex and I had been together for a little over 10 months. He talked about how he has never felt this way before and that he felt so comfortable around me. It got to the point where we went and looked at engagement rings and got my fingered sized 8 months in. Then he had a stressful job change where he was gone training for the next full month. I tried my best to be there for him but our work schedules kind of drew us apart. Then the holidays followed soon after and we seemed to be arguing a lot more. He said he tried to fix it but I explained to him the way he went about it made me feel cornered. He has since stated he feels exhausted and at this point in time his current feelings just aren’t in it and he doesnt love me like he did in the beginning. I tried explaining that love changes throughout a relationship but he was having nothing of it. We have been broken up for about a month now and he is sleeping with someone else yet promises me he wont be in a new relationship anytime soon. We lived together almost the whole time we were together so I just finished moving my things out last week so I have been NC for about a week now. He just deleted me off FB yesterday. I told him the last time we spoke that he was the one and I wanted to marry him regardless of the situation. He had previously admitted to being scared about getting burned in the end like his previous relationship and I tried to assure him that would not happen. He just keeps saying maybe we can reconnect in the future…..does he really mean it? Or is that just to get me to leave him and his new fling alone?

Chris Seiter

February 16, 2019 at 12:42 am

Hi there!

I hope you are using my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” because it goes over everything about not just how to properly implement the No Contact period, but all the things you can be doing to recovery and grow your value and do things for “you”. As to what will happen in the future, there are always many paths. Choose one that focuses first on lifting yourself up.

Broken

February 12, 2019 at 4:37 am

Hello,
I’m not sure what else I can do. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and then a week later (this past week) we got into a fight about how he doesn’t want me to be around when his friends are because he has more fun with them when I’m not there. We have had this argument before and I have anger issues so I become overly dramatic and make the situation worse. Anyways, while on the phone arguing he told me that I’m the root of our relationships problems and that I cause all the arguments. I immediately said I wanted to break up because I don’t want to be anyones “problem” but I wish I hadn’t. He tried to break up with me a few weeks before that for similar issues but I told him I was going to counseling for my anger and he stayed. This break up has been really hard for me and I have been texting his friend because he has blocked my number and unfollowed me on most social media, asking for my things back. The thing is he is already on Tinder and I’m pretty certain he is already sleeping with other women (after only a week of being apart from me). This hurts so much and I don’t know if I even could reconcile our relationship after he has betrayed me like this. I just want to know if the no contact should extend to his friend as well or if he is even likely to want to get back together with me after sleeping with women right out of our relationship? It feels like everything we were was a lie but I still love him for some reason.

Chris Seiter

February 13, 2019 at 12:52 am

Hi there Broken….let’s change you name to “Lifted Up”. Because that is what your focus should be going forward. There are many ways to heal and recovery and I get into all that in my Program. I would say to your question of whether NC should apply to your ex’s friend, that the answer is probably not. But be aware your ex’s friend can potentially be a conduit to your ex which can be good or bad, depending how that connection is used.

Denise

February 8, 2019 at 2:15 am

Hi Chris. We dated for 5 and a half years. Both law enforcement.. got along great. Wanted to be with each other every second (even partners at work and lived together never getting sick of one another) felt guilty when I didn’t want to be with him such as go out with friends or go to bars so did so a twice and hid it. Got caught each time causing our only fights and break ups ever. 3 months ago I went home for the night said goodnight and went to friends house and got caught again. In addition, Being on predominantly male job and hiding my relationship there are rumors I’m sleeping with everyone. None which true but it’s always been part of job. Now with this deceit on my end, and still hearing the rumors he believes everything he’s ever heard about me. I have admitted all my wrongs and lies but have never cheated but have apologized for past 3 months for everything I have done to make it easy for him to believe. He said he was going to propose this year and this was perfect sign from above to get out while he can. He is extremely angry. Like I said for past 3 months I’ve been panicking and apologizing. Our last conversation was 21 days ago (whose counting) when he called me screaming that his family heard of more rumors about me. I was very angry (finally! I’ve been wanting to feel anger instead of pain) but the anger has subsided. I want to be with him and I want all of this to end. I know what I did wrong and I know how to make it right for our future relationship now that old relationship is dead. He is so angry and so stubborn and he is so convinced by all this, I know if I never contact him, he will never contact me again. He had never spoken to me in all our years together as he has in these past 3 months (horribly). But I’ve been taking it. It puts me in panic to lose him and I do think of him all day long. Which is why I know I need more than 30 days of NC. To be honest since I spent 3 months begging and pleading, I was thinking of taking 3 months (at least 90 days) of NC. Everyone says screw him and move on but I invested too much… I still see my future by his side.
Samantha

February 4, 2019 at 7:15 pm

Hi! We dated for 7 months. Things seemed to be going great. When we first started dating he was upfront and honest from the very beginning. He had explained he was going through an ugly divorce and is in the middle of fighting for full custody to his children. It’s not a relationship I ever thought I would be in, but something about him made me to go through with it. During our 7 months I fell hard. I understood the stress that he has been going through, and was genuinely happy for what he was able to give me during this time. He was my favorite part of everyday during those months. Recently I noticed he was being less attentive, but I took into consideration it was stress with the custody battle and on top of that he was sick. He received exciting news recently, his divorced was finalized! I was so happy for him and things seemed to be falling into place for him. I really noticed the shift in our relationship once the divorced was final. One evening I asked if everything was alright. He said “I think we need to stop acting like we are compatible, we aren’t and won’t be compatible”. Even though I noticed the shift, I felt blind sided. He was still calling me every morning and night. I asked him why did he not tell me last weekend? He claimed to not know then, he was “thinking”. I feel like this was an impulsive, insensitive decision. Especially to do via text. I am absolutely devastated. It’s hard to accept this because things have been great. I don’t know how he can one week go by telling me “you are amazing, I appreciate you.” To the next that we “aren’t” compatible. I’m sorry, but what were we this entire time?? I handled the situation pretty calm, because I’m sorry for him to feel like we aren’t. Knowing I did everything right, yet I’m the one feeling like this is torture. We have been 10 days NC, and I thought it would be a little easier by now. Well I was wrong. I expected to hear more from him. I hate the thought of him not in my life. I really don’t know what to do. As hurt as I am, I miss him even more.

I’m questioning myself if I should have fought back for him. I can’t stop thinking what is he feeling? Does he regret this? Or is he happy with his decision?

please help.

Chris Seiter

February 4, 2019 at 9:27 pm

Hi Samantha!

So I know NC is hart in so many ways, but if you tap into my Program and read my eBooks you will learn how to best implement this principle. Its starts with your own focus on continued healing and recovery and your efforts to be the best “you”. I talk a lot about the things you can do to pick yourself up (Holy Trinity of Personal Recovery) and much more so got check it out as I am so limited in what I can cover here in this comment system.

Julie

February 4, 2019 at 1:03 pm

Hi Chris,
I dated this guy for 3 months and he was investing a lot of time and effort. He told me he liked me and wanted to be exclusive, and I was the one saying that we needed to take it slow. The last weekend we saw each other before the holidays, he said he liked me and was about to fall for me and I didn’t say anything back as I was scared to say the same and then things would fizzle out during the two-week holidays. The first week when we were away he was still messaging everyday, telling me he missed me, but the second week he started to pull away slowly.. when we returned from holidays he didn’t make an effort to see me for 2 weeks, still messaging but my gut instinct told me something was wrong. I was patient and was finding excuses for his behaviour (New job) but then one day I told him that I wasn’t the kind of woman that men string along and that the hot and cold was not for me and I was over it. He responded saying he understood my point and we should meet the next day to talk about it. I didn’t reply and been NC for 2 weeks… do you think there is a chance he will come back?

Chris Seiter

February 4, 2019 at 5:14 pm

Hi Julie….so I know all this can be upsetting but choosing NC is the right move for your personally and also your chances of getting him back. Just follow my teachings as I lay them out so you can make the most of the NC period. I have a epic long eBook, “EBR Pro” that gets into all of this and more!

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4,279 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”