The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,279 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Kalena

May 28, 2020 at 10:32 pm

I was in a SITUATIONSHIP type of relationship with this man for a whole year. Will no contact work on this kind of relationship? We had a misunderstanding via texts 4 days ago. Of course tried to call him the same day but ended up being ignored. I put him on NC right after that —3 days now. I have strong feelings for him and was hoping for a real committed relationship with him that’s why I stayed with him this long. If I will keep on doing NC on this stubborn man, will it work on him?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 3, 2020 at 10:59 pm

Hey Kalena, No Contact is for you to take some time to yourself getting over the break up and working on your Holy Trinity. When you have completed the No Contact you need to reach out with a text that Chris suggests. No Contact is going to give your ex some space and allow him to get over the break up and start missing you and remembering your positive times

Ruby

May 28, 2020 at 6:01 pm

I was with my bf for 8 months (3 months include lockdown). He tried to break up with me on the phone saying he feels content in this relationship but not sad or not super happy. I told him i think its because we havent been able to see each other for 3 months and he also then proceeded to say he hasnt fallen in love with me and is worried he never will. I told him that i wanted to wait to have this conversation in person. However he wasnt too keen. We have been whatsapping hes hot and cold. Somedays super loving and some days he ghosts me. We are in our 30s and have spoken about marriage and looked at rings. I will attempt no contact but to me its worrying it’s been this long and he hasnt fallen in love with me. Should I just move on?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 7, 2020 at 7:45 pm

Hi Ruby, I can not tell you to move on or not you need to decide that for yourself, I would suggest that you start by following a No Contact and work on your Holy Trinity during that time and be sure that you are focusing on you and not your ex. Read articles about texting and prepare your reach out at the end of your No Contact period

Abc

May 25, 2020 at 8:11 pm

So I was in a friend with benefits relationship with a guy for around 6 months and we were living together for 2 months. I felt as if we were couple as he used to treat me likewise.. recently we got into long distance and I tried to make him understand what I feel for him ( I started liking him) but he didn’t reciprocate the same so I asked him not to contact untill I move on.
Heartbroken

May 25, 2020 at 7:19 pm

My ex & I broke up yesterday from a 4 years relationship. He left me not once, but twice. The first one was that I found him cheating & I gave him second chance. Yesterday, he left me because I kept bringing out the past into our relationship. He flared & left but he has not change his photo of us in his whatsapp or removed any photo of us on both facebook & instagram. He still stalks me because he liked my photo then unliked it. Initially I spammed called him but no answers & I decided to stop doing so. We’re going through the no contact phase right now & idk if this is the right move, is he going to move on? am i making the right move? is he ever going to come back? what is his mind like right now?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 9, 2020 at 10:57 pm

Hey there, so you are right to do a No Contact where you do not have any interaction with him at all for at least 30 days. Be sure that you are not watching his social media too.

Claire

May 23, 2020 at 5:00 pm

My boyfriend broke up with me in September of last year but the break up has not been easy. That following month was when we both would start university and yes we attended the same university and what was even worst is that we ended up living in the same accommodation so I would occasionally see him. As you could imagine this was extremely hard and I didn’t take the break up seriously at first because we would hook up and he would say he loves me but isn’t ready for a relationship. September to December I was completely over it and told him I’m going to leave him to figure out what he wants and initiated NC. He came back in January apologising and saying he wants me back and what I regret is that I made it to easy for him and was quick to let him back in, I started talking about our relationship & i could tell he wasn’t ready but was afraid to lose me so jumped the gun. We had many arguments during this time because I thought he was playing with my emotions and taking me for granted, so again I cut contact where he reached out again in February for valentines and sent me a card. *October to February we was not hooking up btw* Once again he came back saying he has been feeling insecure and feels as if he isn’t good enough for me and wants to work on our relationship but.. again I jumped in to quick expecting him to give me the world but it seemed like he wasn’t ready. We are both young so reading this blog makes me feel crazy as I feel like maybe it’s not science and I should just allow things to run there course but I am very much in love and his mum and sister text me saying how much they love me and miss me which makes it harder. He said he just wants to focus on being a better person and I’ve encouraged him to do so , I haven’t initiated NC but I have kept my distance for 2 weeks now , his birthday is coming up and I’ve decided not to reach out hoping he will realise what he has lost , I honestly don’t know if there is hope I just needed to vent.
Claire

May 23, 2020 at 4:57 pm

My boyfriend broke up with me in September of last year but the break up has not been easy. That following month was when we both would start university and yes we attended the same university and what was even worst is that we ended up living in the same accommodation so I would occasionally see him. As you could imagine this was extremely hard and I didn’t take the break up seriously at first because we would hook up and he would say he loves me but isn’t ready for a relationship. September to December I was completely over it and told him I’m going to leave him to figure out what he wants and initiated NC. He came back in January apologising and saying he wants me back and what I regret is that I made it to easy for him and was quick to let him back in, I started talking about our relationship & i could tell he wasn’t ready but was afraid to lose me so jumped the gun. We had many arguments during this time because I thought he was playing with my emotions and taking me for granted, so again I cut contact where he reached out again in February for valentines and sent me a card and also wished me a happy birthday the following month . *October to February we was not hooking up btw* Once again he came back saying he has been feeling insecure and feels he isn’t good enough for me and wants to work on our relationship but.. again I jumped in to quick expecting him to give me the world but it seemed like he wasn’t ready. We are both young so reading this blog makes me feel crazy as I feel like maybe it’s not science and I should just allow things to run there course but I am very much in love and his mum and sibling text me saying how much they love me and miss me which makes it harder. He said he just wants to focus on being a better person and I’ve encouraged him to do so , I haven’t initiated NC but I have kept my distance for 2 weeks now , his birthday is coming up and I’ve decided not to reach out hoping he will realise what he has lost , I honestly don’t know if there is hope I just needed to vent. Many people say he cares , his friends and even his sibling but I get nothing from him.
Jojo

May 18, 2020 at 3:33 pm

After breaking up with me, he said we would remain friends and we could get back together later in life. I took the break up pretty well initially before I started asking that we got back together. He deleted my number, avoided meeting me physically and rarely replies my messages. I didn’t talk to him until some days later when I pestered him again, this made him block me. On every platform I try messaging him, he blocked me. When I call him, he answered sometimes, other times he ignored. Few weeks after, I asked that we get back together but he told me it’s too late for that to happen because he is already with someone else. He blocked me after this, I have been blocked almost everywhere but not everywhere. What can I do? Is it too late to establish NC? What else can work? He truly loved me while we dated for two years

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 27, 2020 at 10:09 pm

Hey Jojo, I would suggest that you complete a 45 day No Contact and work on yourself, you also need to read some more articles on this website and try not to be emotional with your ex again. Part of what we do here is working on ourselves so that it makes your ex question if they made a mistake ending things and want to come back to you

Gamer

May 18, 2020 at 2:50 am

My bf and I are no longer together as of yesterday. We were together for 1.5 years and lately we had frequent fights which lead to a loss of connection. He said he needed some time and space to think and work on himself so that we can be happy together and he stated how it was very hard for him to come to this decision. He even said he didn’t know if he was making the right or wrong decision. He said he loves me very much and cares about me and he wants to be with me, but he has a hard time seeing us be happy together as of right now. He still wants to check in with me and keep in contact during this “break.”

I said no to keeping in contact because what is the point of him having a break but still continuing to talk to me? If that were the case, why can’t we be together?

I am trying this no contact but it i hard. Today is day 1… and I almost found myself messaging him. What should I do? 🙁

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 20, 2020 at 11:19 pm

Hi Gamer, it is hard to start the No Contact but be sure to have things in place to stop yourself from reaching out. When you have been in no contact for a couple of weeks and you are focusing on your Holy Trinity you will find that it becomes easier for you to stick with it

Channey Chan

May 15, 2020 at 9:10 am

Hi! So, if your ex caves in and all these steps follow of the no contact rule and you basically win. What will it resolve now later in your relationships, sounds like an odd question, but will it change his behaviors? Or will taking him back go back to the same cycle of why we broke up before?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 15, 2020 at 5:16 pm

Hi Channey, that’s a great question. So, when we state to have an ACTIVE No Contact rule it means that you take action to work on yourself, in that time your ex is going to see you blossoming into this Ungettable person and realise that you were great. If they want to get back together straight from NC (It happens sometimes, but a lot of client have to work on rebuilding connection and rapport. Which is the texting phase) Then you would agree to get back together, but slowly so that you do not fall back into old habits, and work to have a better stronger relationship this time around

hopeful heart

May 10, 2020 at 6:10 pm

I broke up with my ex 3 months ago going on 4 this month. It was a real messy break up. Though hes never been nasty, we aren’t on speaking terms and haven’t spoken since. Would he be considering the NC rule himself itll be close to 90 days…I’ve reached out then got the hint and backed off. Only to be ignored. he’s never responded to my texts for voice mails only just simply carried on. He also has done the FULL block out as you put it. Respecting his decision is good. Though its hard to tell him he’s giving me the cold shoulder or just simply has moved on.
Sara

May 9, 2020 at 3:44 am

Hey,
Me and my ex were only dating for about 6 months. He didn’t want to make it official or anything because I wasn’t he’s priority at the time as he was having lots of other personal problems. I love him so much and I’ve expressed my feelings to him lots of times but he’s never expressed how he feels about me. He was jobless for 5 months and I was making most of the effort and Persuing him. He recently got a job 2 months ago something just for the time being until he finds something better.
Everytime I would call him or text he use to sound very depressed and sad. He would never make an effort with me I would always arrange dates to meet up, also I use to most of the time initiate contact with him. But when we are together we always have a good time we are always happy together we’ve never fighted in person. If we do argue we always argue on the phone. So he’s been living with his uncle all his life and just 2months ago he left his uncles house and had a rough time finding somewhere to stay. Since he left he’s uncles house things between us went really cold. Just now during quarantine he broke up with me. After he broke up one week later he sent me a sorry message saying that he’s sorry that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him and he wishes that I would forgive him.

Does he really mean that he doesn’t love me or will time make him realise that he does love me. Because when we were together I know he had feelings for me but because of circumstances it wasn’t working out.
Stella Monteleone

May 5, 2020 at 3:37 am

I think my boyfriend does alot of nad things behind my back.. he cheated on me once or what i know of and we have eachother locations on our phones and i saw one nite he was at a hotel .. texted him all nite and he called me the day after amd told me he was with his friends. My trust is very low with him so I broke up with him . Should i
Do no contact for him to know what he lost? Amd if will ever change! He denys
everything amd always has excuses .. but when i ignore him He shows up at my house and calls me. What should i do?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 7, 2020 at 10:39 pm

Hi Stella yes you should complete a no contact period but ask yourself if this is the person you are willing to give another chance to if he cheated on you and isnt accepting blame or apologising

Esther

May 3, 2020 at 12:21 pm

Hi, I just broke up with my 2 years boyfriend few days ago. Our relationship was great for the 1st 1 and a half year, then it went downwards few months ago because we keep fighting for the same reason and he told me that he actually want a “romantic-loving” relationship where he willing to do anything for his partner and said he couldnt feel that for this 2 years relationship. It obviously hurt me and for the past few months i keep begging him to try and try but eventually few days ago i have came to a point that i am so tired for keep dragging our relationship like this and i can felt he doesnt really wanna continue this relationship anymore so i decided to break up… I am sad and devastated because i DO NOT want to break up with him but i hv no choice bcuz i really care abt his feelings… my last messages to him were a bit brutal (but i managed to delete it before he read) and all he keep saying were he’s sorry… do u think this NC period will really work because i really want to make him realised what he hv lost…

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 7, 2020 at 10:56 pm

Hey Esther, if you want to try and get your ex back then following the program is your best chance of this starting with a No Contact, where you take action and follow the rules and advice in the articles

Christina

April 27, 2020 at 5:21 pm

I initiated the no contact rule. My reason was for space to allow him time to think. He has never been verbal with his feelings. I was the person who always drove to him. In eight months we only went to the park twice, movies once and maybe the restaurant once a month. That’s not a norm for me. He bought Christmas and Valentine’s but still never allowed me to hear him verbally about his feelings. The more I had to go to him the more I felt pushed away and he noticed a drastic change but never put the pieces together. He ignores or doesn’t hear me when I speak out and later on asks me why I am bringing it up now when I had actually been bringing issues up all along. He stays isolated, he’s tight with money, he never takes me anywhere not even a stroll through the neighborhood hand in hand. His excuses were either his son every other weekend, cold weather or working. He claimed to enjoy my company but I’m not so sure. So, again I initiated the no contact being I don’t know what this is/was between us since he never spoke out and since he never spoke out I held back verbally but displayed by buying cards, gifts and going to his house. And he also claims working nights is another reason he doesn’t get to go out much.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 5, 2020 at 9:59 pm

Hi Christina, I am not sure what you are looking for advice wise, but I will say that you do not sound happy with the person he is, in a relationship. And that is not likely to change if he is content with who he is. I would suggest that while you complete a 30 day NC and think about what you are looking for in a relationship before reaching out to him.

Kiki

April 27, 2020 at 12:45 am

I recently split with my ex of a year. He says he is struggling with his feelings and thinks it may be because he’s not ready for a commitment. He needs more life experience. And needs space to figure things out. I failed at NC in the beginning, but it has been a full week. Im wondering if getting him back is even an option! How will NC work if he’s the one that wants the space? Things were left on good terms but what if he never contacts?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 29, 2020 at 9:09 pm

Hi Kiki you need to reach out after 30 days to open communication and re build your connection

Confused

April 24, 2020 at 3:10 pm

I have a close guy friend, which we have a romantic history. He was a flake, he would start to fall for me, and have to back off. Now we’re close friends. I have come to love him, I told him and he stated that he won’t “let himself reciprocate” those feelings. I don’t understand it. It seems like it should be black and white, he either cares about me or doesn’t. He has, on separate occasions told me he appreciates me and values me, but won’t admit to feelings, but does admit he misses me if we go a week or so without talking. He said he needs to be a better friend to me, and he does make an effort to call me more and initiate contact, because that was one thing I hated. I ALWAYS was the one to call or text first. I’m confused at whether he has feelings or not. He is a “hardass” and stubborn man in general, so I cant tell if he just wont admit it and does feel something, or if he legitimately doesn’t care about me and I should just give up.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 24, 2020 at 8:39 pm

Hey C, so only you can really decide what you want for yourself. If you want to try and get this guy as a partner then you are going to have to get him investing in you romantically and make him work for time

leslie

April 23, 2020 at 5:04 am

my bf pulled me away in 2 weeks then he called me for helping him. his acting was nothing happen. i thought we were ok but then he got cold again. i tried texting him but he didn’t respond. next day, he texted me and said he not ready for relationship bc he’s busy with everything, he wants to be alone and i said it was ok. i did nc in week already. we didn’t argue or anything. our relationship was good. what can i do now?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 25, 2020 at 11:39 am

Hey Leslie, I would suggest that you start your No Contact period where you ignore and do not reach out to your ex for 30 days minimum and focus on your holy trinity and then reach out to your ex with a text that Chris suggests after 30 days

Anonymous

April 21, 2020 at 2:09 pm

I broke up with my boyfriend about 3 weeks ago because he was going hot and cold and obviously hasn’t let go of his ex. We did the friends with benefits off and on for about a year and a half and there were times I felt he really cared for me. I tried to end that because I had feelings and wanted more but he wanted to have a real relationship so I agreed to try. We started going on actual dates and he was outing out more effort but then he would pull away. I told him I didn’t want to do this if he maintained any sort of emotional tie to his ex. They have a daughter and she has two other kids. My guess is he was attached to her other kids and was obsessed with her but she cheated on him twice and took him to court to try and get full custody but lost. He says she’s crazy and doesn’t want to upset her in fear that she will lie to their daughter age 6 and make him out to be the bad guy if he doesn’t provide her with emotional support. He talks and texts her often about their daughter but she will try to talk about them as well. He tried to get back with her about a year ago after breaking things off with me. He said he could never trust her again so he gave up. BUT he still has playlists with love songs and stuff with her name on them. I noticed he added a song to one of them recently and it pissed me off so I dumped him. I was tired of being confused and feeling like I was being played with. The song was about leaving someone behind which is good but it still shows he’s thinking about her and how much he cares. I hinted around about deleting the lists a few times and he never did. I think he wants to move on and cares for me but he can’t let go. My question is is it possible for someone to move on if they are still obsessed with their past and since I dumped him then do I remain in no contact and let him reach out if he even will? I noticed he has added another song to her list since our break up! Why do men obsess over women who terribly wronged them!!?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 24, 2020 at 9:47 pm

Hey there, it is hard for a person, male or female. To let go of something that hurt them – they look for the person who hurt them to undo the damage caused and it can take time for them to realise they are not going to get what they want, or at they going to feel better if that person apologises to them. If you want this person you are going to have to stop chasing them and start showing you know your worth.

Nina

April 19, 2020 at 10:26 pm

My boyfriend recently broke up with me, we started having fights and he became hot and cold at the end of the relationship. The day he broke up with me, he told me that he was really hurt by the things that I had done (he felt that at some point in the relationship I ignored him on purpose and preferred to go out with my friends, so he felt really jealous and that I didn’t need him anymore, as well that I didn’t support him enough when he felt sad or down, and either wasn’t there as much or didn’t give him space when we wanted some).
He told me that it hurt him to be without me and that he still loved me but that it didn’t mean that I had to be in his life. As he still has some of my things (makeup mainly) in his house, he told me he would contact me when he “collects” (his words) them.
Other thing that I noticed is that he still has our pictures in social media and stories. Although this might seem like not a big deal, as I have known him for a few years now (2 years of being best friend and 1 year of being a couple), when he felts deeply hurt by people and wants nothing to do with them, he immediately blocks them and deletes everything, which is something he still hasn’t done.
When we broke up at first I was really confused and scared so I did came off as needy and insecure, but after some hours I understood and sent him a message telling him that I supported his decision and that I wished him the best.
It’s been a few days now, and he still hasn’t contacted me (I’m only saying this because that’s what he said he would do as he want to give me back my stuff) so I am confused about what might be happening.
I am 5 days in the NC, with no contact from him at all.
Clueless girl

April 19, 2020 at 7:43 pm

Me and my ex dated for seven months but he didn’t want a relationship because he didn’t want to become emotionally dependent on someone and eventually he realized that he became emotionally dependent on me and we started dating officially for a month and we broke up recently. My ex and I broke up a month ago because he said I was inconsistent about whether or not I wanted to be with him even though he said that the breakup was most likely going to happen because he is transferring schools and that nothing lasts forever. He refuses to see where I was coming from on this even though most girls would not put up with that. I called him a week later telling him it wasn’t a good idea to be friends because I had unresolved issues towards him which I do and he said that he doesn’t get back together with exes because that’s his “policy” and that “what’s done is done” even though I was his first serious girlfriend and he wanted to be friends after it ended. He accused me of trying to guilt him back into a relationship when that’s not what I was doing at all. I was trying to explain how I feel and not ghost someone out of nowhere. We dated for seven months. I then told him that I didn’t want to be friends with him and that he doesn’t deserve better because he treated me like shit because he would say things like “oh it’s going to be hard for you to find someone who cares as much about you as I do” when he couldn’t even give me a title and that I don’t care about him anymore because he doesn’t care about me and then I blocked him on everything not knowing what he said. This was almost a month ago and I regret it but I don’t think I have a chance of getting back together with him and I don’t know if I should apologize or how I should? I shouldn’t want someone like this back into my life but I do:( I don’t know if I should apologize or see if he contacts me first but I don’t think he will. What do you think I should do about this? Try to contact him and if so how?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 21, 2020 at 7:07 pm

Hey there, I would suggest that you complete 45 days NC before doing anything, and only reach out if you are sure you want them back in your life, I would suggest that you date casually during your NC if you can and see how you feel after a few dates with different guys

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4,279 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”