So it happened…again.
The pang in your heart, the pain in your gut that tells you that you need to contact him.
It hits you randomly, as a lot of reminders of him always do – when you’re flipping through channels which watching TV and a random show pops on that you used to binge watch together; or when you’re driving and a song that you two used to sing comes on; or maybe your friends suggest having dinner at a restaurant you two had your eighteenth date.
No matter what the trigger is, the result tends to be the same: “I need to text him. I need to call him.
I want to tell him how much I miss him and want him back.
“This No Contact Rule is killing me!”
I totally understand this feeling, y’all.
The No Contact Rule is a struggle and let’s face it – the struggle is real.
Not being in constant contact with someone you spent all day, every day texting and/or calling just plain sucks.
There’s no other way to say it.
Quitting something cold turkey disrupts our perfect world, and since our perfect world involves our lovely exes, we take this abrupt end quite hard. Every day without contact does numbers to our psyche.
We get anxious and worried about the ex moving on and not wanting or needing us anymore.
For those lucky ones who have exes reaching out to them during their No Contact, or NC, period, they have to dance around the idea of whether or not to reply to them. No matter what the situation, the basic truth is that No Contact always starts off as a struggle.
How we choose to overcome it, however, is what we truly struggle with the most.
Some women are able to survive No Contact unscathed and hardly bothered, and by the end, they’re ready to pick up the phone and text that ex of theirs, making sure they know what they’re missing. But for the rest of us, it’s not that easy because it really feels like someone pulled the rug out from under us.
We aren’t just left heartbroken, but also defeated and devastated, our resolve a little weaker than other women. That’s not to say that we are weak, just that we haven’t found our inner strength yet. Allow me to elaborate with my own story.
Currently, I’m going through an indefinite NC with my ex after an unsuccessful texting phase, and an initial NC period that I barely got through. Notice that I said “got through” and not necessarily “survived.” See, I wouldn’t exactly say that I survived my first NC because, to be totally honest, I didn’t follow the No Contact Rule wholly and completely.
Let me remind you what the No Contact Rule is according to Chris and The Ex-Boyfriend Recovery:
[No Contact is] A period of time in which you ignore your ex deliberately in an attempt to make them miss you more and ultimately allow them time to erase any bad feelings they have towards you; while simultaneously providing yourself an avenue to emotionally recover and grow as an individual.
Deliberately ignored my ex? Check. Attempted to make him miss me? Check. Maybe. The verdict is still out on that. Allow him time to erase any bad feelings he has towards me? Check. Simultaneously provide myself an avenue to emotionally recover and grow as an individual? Uh………………….
See, I believe the reason many of us struggle with No Contact, why we are killing ourselves over it, is simple: We are all still obsessing over our ex-boyfriends.
For the most part, NC is not successful because the ex is still the central focus of this whole process, when truthfully, the focus should be on you. You, too, are “getting through” this No Contact, not “surviving” it, because you’re not focused on you.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAs hard as it is, ignoring your ex and finding the courage to not reach out to him only seems hard because you’re putting so much stock in him. I’m gonna give you some tough love right now, and you probably don’t want to hear it; but you’re gonna need it if you want to get through this No Contact period, baby doll, so please don’t take offense when I say bluntly: Stop obsessing over him! I’m sure if you learn how to do this, like Gloria Gaynor famously said,
You will survive.
If No Contact is killing you, think back to why you started it in the first place. If you keep focused on both aspects of NCR (putting yourself first, then your ex), then the better equipped you will be to surviving it.
Stop worrying about if he will contact you, when he will contact you, if he is lurking on your social media. It won’t be helpful, I can assure you.
Put yourself first, in the center focus of this NC game. Let the focus be more on you and less on your ex. “How can I do that?” you might be asking yourself.
Well, I’ll share with you some of the things that I’m currently implementing on NC Round 2, with hopes that these tips will help you out.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizFeel Your Feels… Then Move On
First of all, go through every emotion you’re feeling so you can allow yourself to move on from them.
Try not to hold in all your feelings or bottle up your emotions because that’s not always the healthiest thing to do. If you feel sad – cry. If you’re angry – vent to anyone or to yourself, even. If a random memory pops into your mind, think about it and then do something else. Basically, cry over your spilled milk and then clean it up because you’ve got other things to do, champ.
Feel your feels and then move on.
But how do you do this? How can you go through your emotions and just carry on like you never felt that way? Let me tell you what I did. Personally, I am a very emotional person, so I go through a lot of emotions in a day. Can you imagine what I was going through the first week of my breakup? It was terrible! When I got so tired of the emotional turmoil, I decided to write my feelings out. I’ve been told many times by friends how therapeutic writing is for the mind and soul.
Even though I was advised to do this during any point of heartbreak or depression, I never did it. To actually write my feelings? I couldn’t bring myself to be that candid. But this most recent breakup shook me so much that I felt like I truly needed to get my feelings out. The easiest way for me to write my feelings out and not succumb to texting my ex before NC ended was to dedicate a journal to my ex.
By doing this, not only was I able to get my feelings and frustrations out, I was also able to get the ex out of my head when he clouded it and distracted me in my NC.
Click To Pick Up Your Copy of My eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”!
A lot of my entries were written like I was texting him about my day, how I felt, what reminded me of him. For days when I was lazy, I made voice notes instead, and pretended I was talking to him.
Trust me: This emotional release will be healthy for you, even if you have to do it multiple times a day. Think of it as a detox – Once you clear your mind of all that is blocking it mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, the lighter you’ll feel and the more you can focus on doing other things.
Speaking of other things to do, here’s another tip: Keep busy. I’d like to warn you that of course keeping yourself busy right after a breakup can be rough on you in the beginning, and understandably so. It can be draining your energy, but it’s better to keep yourself moving that sitting alone in your room, wondering what went wrong for the millionth time that week.
Many women probably will admit that the worst times of the day after a breakup is when they’re left alone with their own thoughts.
But if you try to put yourself in constant motion, you’re forced to focus on other things. You can reconnect with the kind of person you were with your family and friends, and get to know them all over again.
Make plans to do the things you did with them before your ex monopolized all your time (and we can be honest here; we know the ex monopolized all of your time.)
Delve into the interests you set aside in favor of your ex’s interests, or venture out and find new hobbies.
Mine was being shoddy at Calligraphy, in case you were wondering (you probably weren’t.)
- See the movie you wanted to see.
- Take that cooking class.
- Even date – but only if you feel ready to.
I wouldn’t want you to throw yourself at another relationship unless you’ve taken care of yourself first.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
And ladies, don’t be afraid to unplug yourself from social media for a while.
I know it’s hard to do it for many of us whose phones are basically their right hand (I’m guilty of it!), but unplugging for a while off every kind of social media can help you stay focused.
After my ex and I broke up, I obsessively checked Instagram to see if he posted, what pictures he liked, and always wondered if he was looking at my profile. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I kept checking it every five minutes until it he deleted me off his “Followers” list.
That’s when I knew I had to stop checking my social media religiously. It wasn’t helping me focus on me.
And look, you don’t have to do this for a long period of time, either. You can unplug for an hour or two, a few days, or even a few weeks if you absolutely need it.
But once you’re ready and you’ve got your mind cleared, your focus centered, jump back in that social media game and use social media to your advantage, not at the mercy of your ex’s.
Another way I stayed focused during my first NC period was by being active in the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Facebook group.
I know it sounds like shameless plugging, but hear me out.
This group saved me at my lowest low.
When I couldn’t open up to my family and my friends were sick of hearing me sing along to Adele to nurse the pain, everyone in the group provided me with the support I needed to carry on.
Chris and Jennifer Seiter, as well as all the active members in the group – everyone consoled me when I posted my frustration. And when I returned the favor and helped console others, I found myself reflecting on my own relationship and what I was doing.
It was then that I looked at my own recovery period, how I handled/was handling it, and if I needed to re-evaluate anything.
Because everyone was at different stages post-breakup – fresh from heartbreak, just getting over NC and anxiously preparing for the texting phase, or already back with their exes and sharing with others what helped their process – not only did I do a self-evaluation on my progress, I also found that helping others distracted me from my own situation. If you get a chance to join the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Facebook group, I highly recommend it.
These ladies are there when everyone else in your life just doesn’t understand why you’re still upset.
They’re your #squadgoals, and they’re there for you, babe.
No Contact Is A Necessary Evil
So now that I shared with you how to stay focused during your NC period and other activities you can do to keep you on track, I want to share with you some specific benefits to NC that I’ve noticed from my own experiences, as well as others.
While there are benefits, yes, I cannot help but say that No Contact is a necessary evil. It’s evil because you’re forcing yourself to stop talking to your ex cold turkey, but it’s necessary because it’s it will do so much good for you.
It’s good for you because it allows you to take a step back and look at who you are, post-breakup, because you’re definitely a different person than you were before you were in a relationship.
You’ve spent months, maybe even years with this person who you’re currently missing and pining for.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAnd while I’m sure many of you have maintained your own independent identity in the relationship, the truth is you were always identified as a couple, a team, a unit, like “Mike and Christine” or “Jackie and Jamie.” For me, it was “Janell and Kris.” When Kris left, Janell was on her own and needed to learn how to be alone again.
Even though I’d be alone a long time before Kris, I’d forgotten how to live alone again without him.
I forgot how much I liked working out in a gym versus getting my workout by practicing my golf swings with him. I forgot that I didn’t actually like watching Bleach, his favorite anime, because I was more into Sailor Moon. I’d forgotten a lot of things because I was part of “Team Janell and Kris”, that “Team Janell” barely existed.
When I rediscovered who I was pre-Kris, I started to feel like my old self again.
And that’s a lesson everyone eventually has to re-learn, post-breakup, because so much of your life were a part of theirs.
Re-learning who you are during No Contact is essential because, like the rule says, you need to recover emotionally in order to fulfill the next part, which is growing as an individual. This part is a term that Chris coined for us, and that we in the EBR group embraced wholly, known as being the “Ungettable Girl.”
Doesn’t Sandra Bullock look so #boss in this scene of Miss Congeniality?
When I think of being an Ungettable Girl, or “UG” for short, this image immediately pops into my mind almost always. Sandra exudes confidence and a type of impenetrable aura that makes you just want to be like her.
This is the kind of confidence you need to be an Ungettable Girl.
I just want to make that clear – being ungettable is not to say that you have to go through a total body makeover and look sexy in a bodycon dress, ladies. And it’s totally okay to want a makeover to feel UG, as well. No shame zone here! Heck, I went blonde during NC!
But being UG is more than physical appearance.
It’s about rebuilding that confidence that was most likely destroyed when your ex left.
And when you’ve built that confidence back up again, you’re setting yourself further down the clear path of recovery.
Re-Evaluate Your Value In The Relationship
The last benefit of the No Contact Rule is that you get to re-evaluate your priorities.
At this point, if you’ve allowed yourself to recover emotionally and to grow as an individual, it shouldn’t matter how long your NC period is before you break it….JUST KIDDING, Y’ALL!
Stick to 21-45 days, or Chris will rebuke me!
But seriously, if you’ve allowed yourself time to recover and grow, you’ll realize that by not contacting your ex throughout the entire NC period, you give yourself time to re-evaluate your value in the relationship. You will also see that NC allows you to look at parts of your relationship that you could make changes so that you don’t make the same mistakes once you’re back together with your ex.
Maybe through NC, you’ll learn at that point that getting your ex back isn’t your priority anymore.
Maybe you begin to realize that you don’t want your ex to miss you that badly. Maybe you’re ready to move on to greener pastures, date the other fish in the sea because now you’re a badass woman whose confidence cannot be shattered easily.
You may not have seen this right of the bat when you started your NC period, but that time really does put your wants, needs, and priorities in that relationship into perspective so you can reflect and hopefully build a better one the second time around.
I know, it may be killing you not hearing from your ex. And it’s tough to feel better about yourself after feeling rejected and broken up with, but don’t lose yourself in that sea of negativity.
Once you stay focused on accomplishing the No Contact Rule in its complete, two-fold process, the stronger you become.
And if you didn’t know it already, you are strong.
The No Contact Rule wasn’t implemented to make you hate your life, and its intent is never to make you feel bad about your ex not wanting you.
It exists to remind you that no matter how you’re feeling about the breakup, only you can start the process to help you be whole again.
Others can help you along the way, and your ex can take you back, but it’s up to you to make sure you survive in the end.
And yes, you will survive.
(This was a guest post written by Janell Agcaoili)
Alison
August 9, 2024 at 6:16 pm
I’m so glad I read all of the above , I too have found it hard to let go it’s a few weeks since my last contact I’m trying to keep positive have time to heal n focus on me now , no contact is hard because it’s like final goodbye but for myself it’s 100% needed to keep me strong n for my own well being , as he’s already moved on yet tells me he still loves me n watch this space , actually said doesn’t feel same as the deep rooted conectio. We had its mixed messages a cruel n all though I love him with all my heart I don’t want him back .
Times a healer Iv read your advice and will continue to b strong I no my worth love who I am n no I’ deserv to be treated with respect n the right love realationship I live in hope all I want is to be loved ❤️Thankyou
Jp
January 31, 2024 at 8:39 pm
Thank you. I needed every bit of this. I was the toxic one in the relationship because I wasn’t healed. My goal is to forgive myself during this NC and beyond. Your words were so very helpful. Much love.
Tiffany
July 16, 2022 at 3:18 am
So we would’ve been together 4 years this October. He ended the relationship about 6 weeks ago saying he needed space and time to himself. Only to find out a week later he had already moved on and I was so devastated. How could you move on that fast? I made him start moving his stuff out and after he moved everything out I went NC. That lasted about 3 weeks then he started calling me and of course I picked up the phone. He started asking me how I was doing etc and said he messed up and wished he could take everything back. Then a week later he calls me wanting to know what I’m doing and if he could come by that night and of course I said yes.. He ended up coming over and one thing lead to another and we ended up having sex and he stayed the night. He told me that they broke up and that he still loved me and missed me and that once he got his life back on track he’d come back for me. Well next day his gf starts contacting me saying they are engaged and I ended up blocking both of them and restarting NC. I have been successful so far but everyday I want so bad to contact him. Now apparently on her fb it says they’re married, I don’t know how true this is but I’m having such a hard time accepting this and moving on. I really do love him and never seen this coming. I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. We went through so much together and when we got together we both were single parents and we both loved each other’s children as our own. Sure we had our ups and downs but everyone does. This girl he’s with now doesn’t have a job and is just using him. He even admitted that too me and she’s got multiple kids she doesn’t even have custody of and I have so much more to offer. I just went and got on extra medication for my anxiety and depression since my mental health has gotten worse since the breakup and I’m about to start getting therapy. This has just ruined everything. It’s affecting every aspect of my life right now but I’m trying to focus on what’s important me and my kids and just keep doing what I always do. Get back up and keep going. I just hope things will get better and one day I’ll look back and realize everything happens for a reason and that really he did me a favor because apparently our relationship was a lie and he didn’t care about or love me like here claimed. Actions definitely speak louder than words!!
Lina
December 21, 2021 at 2:22 am
So I’m 8 days into no contact after being dumped a month ago. He wanted me to keep in contact with his mom because he says right now he can’t give me what I want and need mentally and emotionally because he is mentally and emotionally unavailable. Well this past week his mom reached out as well as his best friend which is weird because he never reaches out. So now I’m confused and just have my feelings all over the place, please help.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 22, 2021 at 11:53 pm
Hey Lina, you need to stick with your NC this includes your exes family and friends.
Raul Rodriguez
May 25, 2021 at 7:51 am
We were together for 7 years. It’s been 3 months since the break up. We were in touch after the break up for a while and then I have decided to go no contact because I was in so much pain that my body and mind started to get sick. It’s been 10 days in no contact. It is very hard and sad. How someone you love so much and for 7 years can turn so cold? I’m struggling trying not to reach out.
Leah
May 4, 2021 at 12:59 pm
Words of encouragement,
I broke up with my partner of 9 years. I followed the no contact rule and kept very busy filling my life with meaning and self love. I have cried a lot and am definitely not over him but have found a new respect for me and a lot of compassion for my former self who was just begging to be loved.
I just wanted to share some insight that has helped me a lot in terms of finding that inner strength to not respond to his messages.
When they text you “I miss you and I hope you are well ” it’s not “I choose you and I want you back”. It has been 6 weeks since I cut contact and I can honestly say I feel so much lighter. I want him back terribly but “he misses me” he hasn’t chosen me. It doesn’t matter how many times he calls me or messages me – his actions have spoken volumes – he doesn’t want me back at this stage as he has done nothing but sit back and live his life BAU which was a shock initially.
I hope that helps you realise your worth and that they will either change their mind and choose you or they won’t – choose yourself in the meantime. Put yourself out there and experience something completely new. Be the person your ex fell in love with when you first met – make your life interesting and become unavailable
You got this!
Ben
November 14, 2020 at 10:08 am
Hey, my ex boyfriend and I broke up January 2020 (start of the dreaded year!!) and we were together for a year and we had a lot of great memories and learning points together. It was both our first serious relationship as two out gay men. However there were arguments during our relationship but they were always petty, never big ones. Since the break up we have both been blocking and unblocking each other, meeting up, hooking up etc. But never went on dates and anytime I mentioned that I want to try again he backs off. He has been very hot and cold. Two days ago I decided to meet him face to face and we both talked about why he doesn’t want to try again and I told him I am going to go into NC. Its day two and I’m already struggling! I miss and love him but I know this is right, my question is how long should I do NC for and from experience if I do everything correctly could I win him back? (Sorry for the huge paragraph)
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 18, 2020 at 7:26 pm
Hi Ben, so I would say because of all the hooking up/ blocking unblocking that you need to do a 45 day no contact, and then work in yourself throughout this time. You have told your ex that you wont be reaching out to him anymore, did you tell him you would be ignoring him too? Give this article a read as you have slept with him since the break up https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/what-to-do-if-you-had-sex-with-your-ex/
Lisa
November 10, 2020 at 1:11 pm
Hi. I was with my partner for over 3 years. We were v suited and got on so well . Hes the strongest most intelligent guy I’ve ever dated. There were problems however and it was on and off in the last year a few times. Biggest problem was I felt he still loved / fancied his ex wife who he shared a son with. She seemed to be around alot and I felt he enjoyed that. Anyway, long story short, I finished it after lockdown as he was complaining that I was making no effort, so I thought the relationship was too flawed to continue between everything that had happened, the ex wife on the scene, the on/off nature, the complaining on his part. He fought for the relationship somewhat but also accepted it too . It ended quite amicably. I tried online dating and everyone I met I was disappointed with, kept comparing to him. We kept in touch by wattsapp but just every now and then. So 3 months after it finished I texted him casually hoping to ultimately possibly get back together. As I realised far away fields weren’t greener. But his response floored me. He said he cant talk to me anymore as he is trying to move on with his life. I suddenly felt a huge loss. I was devastated. I said ‘ok’ and started no contact. Since then he tried contact me once ( just a v innocuous text about a mutual friend)and I ignored it. I’m doing the NC about 3 weeks now. But I’m not sure what to do now. I miss him terribly.
Dan
October 14, 2020 at 5:59 am
Hi,
I was in a long distance relationship for about 6 months, out of the blue she broke up with me and told me she couldnt do long distance anymore, I was pretty hurt and shocked and ended up sleeping with someone, my ex then got in touch and told me she regretted it and wanted to get back together, I agreed but slept with the other girl a few times as i wasnt convinced that she was genuine or it would work or that id ever see her again basically. Now my ex has told me she is coming to where I live to work, I told her about the rebound thing I had and she doesnt want to be in the relationship anymore. I know it was stupid and rash to do what I did but I was hurt and lost confidence in everything. As soon as I realised she was for real I ended the rebound but now Ive lost everything. She broke up with me 4 days ago and I have been trying to keep a strict NC rule in place but I’m really struggling with it. Is there any hope of this working out? My ex will come to my place in 2 months or so to work…..
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 15, 2020 at 7:15 pm
Hi Dan, yes there is a chance of getting her back but you are going to have to be patient and earn the trust that was broken back. Follow the program and stick with the NC for 30 days for now
Erika Gomes
August 18, 2020 at 10:24 pm
Hi, my ex and I were together for nearly 2 years. He broke up with me last Monday and I begged him until recently but I have now implemented the no contact rule. He is in the angry stage, when we were in contact, he was really rude and short. So I simply left him alone, it’s been hard. He doesn’t open up about his feelings with me but he told my cousin he still loves me and knows we will get back together one day.
Rebecca Margos
August 10, 2020 at 2:53 am
My bf and I were together for almost 6 years. We were best friends too. He started to get a bad habit of staying out drinking with his friends from work. It happened one too many times so I decided I would leave and usually he would beg me to stay and promise to change. I would expected changed behavior but it didn’t happen. So i packed my stuff and moved out in hopes he would change. To my surprise he did not. I had to see him a few times to get my stuff. And when he didnt try to get me back those times I became emotional and started chasing him. -_- He started to reject me and says he doesn’t want to try to make our relationship work anymore. I’m sad that he didn’t fight for our relationship and that he is still keeping up with that behavior. What are you suggestions? I’m tired of making a fool of myself. Its almost been two months since the break up.Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 11, 2020 at 8:21 pm
Hey Rebecca, that is really difficult situation as he does not think he has done anything wrong. However you have threatened this a few times and he never changes, the words are said but the actions are never matched. This time you need to stop begging for him back and just follow this program. Go into a 30 days NC 45 if you need. To let your ex see that you are done with this situation that you have been experiencing. While people are entitled to social lives and spending time with their friends. I am assuming by staying out drinking you mean he does not come home at the end of a work day.
Corinne
June 18, 2020 at 8:24 pm
Hi! If I’m in day 22 of NC and it’s his birthday, is it a good reason to write to him with one of the messages you propose?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 20, 2020 at 1:29 am
Hey Corinne, no we do not suggest reaching out on their birthdays.
Kitty
May 17, 2020 at 4:16 pm
The guy I was seeing long distance has gone quiet. We used to text every day all day and he would always check in if he felt he had been distant.
We’ve been on lock down due to corona and haven’t been able to see each other but he has been fine and normal even making plans.
Last week he mentioned he was stressed as hasn’t been working (due to corona) and he’s ex gf who owes him quite a lot of money and has a lot of he’s stuff is playing mind games and being nasty. He said she was very nasty in the relationship and still makes him feel bad about himself for trying to get he’s stuff (they’ve been broken up for a year and a bit) which has made he’s anxiety flare up really bad to the point that he has now started asking for space and pushing me away.
At first he assured me he wasn’t going anywhere and wasn’t interested in someone else and checked in every so often but now it’s been a week and a half and I’ve not heard anything. He’s ignoring my messages except to message me a week ago to tell me he Knew he was Distant but “getting he’s shit together but ok” and then asked me about how I was and my pets etc. I replied the next day as it was late when he text and he then didn’t read it until the next evening and didn’t reply. He’s just ignoring all of my messages now and I’m hurt and upset how someone can be so loving just over a week ago to radio silence.
What do I do? I really don’t want this to end but it’s hurting me so much and want him back
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 27, 2020 at 10:42 am
Hi Kitty, I would suggest that you follow the rules of the No Contact and just allow him some space the last thing you want to do is gnat him into talking to you when hes told you the ex has caused some issues herself. So you need to show how you are calm and considering him at the moment. I would suggest that you read about the Holy Trinity and focus on that for the 30 days NC and then reach out if you do not hear from him before then
Louisa
March 28, 2020 at 4:15 pm
My ex of 5 years was also my best friend. We just arrived from France and are both quarantined in our respective homes in a single room so our other housemates don’t pick up Corona viruses. He has a dismissive avoidant attachment style and he acknowledged this and said he knows he needs therapy. He asked me to move into a house he is building and then two days later got so mean that I had to leave him at the airport. When we parted he said adieu instead of au revoir which means goodbye forever not just see you later. We cried, kissed once and parted. Now he has texted me just saying he hoped everything was okay. My contribution to our problem was always talking too much and so I did not respond. Does no contact work with avoidants?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 28, 2020 at 9:56 pm
Hi Louisa, yes it does work, but make sure you are focusing on your health right now. You can complete a 30 day NC focusing on yourself and then reach out to him with a text that Chris suggests. If he is telling you that you talk to much, I would say thats pretty rude. You need to know your worth and what you will accept from someone
Madison
February 11, 2020 at 5:23 am
Please answer me, I have tried posting on multiple articles. Will the no contact rule work if my ex who has borderline personality disorder has asked for space for me completely? My question is, since he was the one who is asking for and initiating the separation and space, will he even notice that I am doing the no contact rule, or will he just view it as me complying with his request for space? Thank you so much, hoping for a reply
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 11, 2020 at 11:02 pm
Hi Madison, I am sorry that you have not had a reply until now, we get 100s of messages a day.
Yes your ex will notice, giving that you are strict with your NC and do not give in if he reaches out to you, keeping positive and active on social media, showing positive moves in your own life and being social with friends too. I would do the longer No Contact of 45 days as he has asked for the space you need to give him more time to realise that you are not going to chase him
Tegan
January 27, 2020 at 8:50 am
I stumbled across this post in my google search of “how to deal with no contact with your ex” and it really could’ve not been more helpful. This is like FBI level knowledge on how to deal with a no contact period. Like I feel like this advice is so good, it should be illegal. Its like I’m on the dark web. I’m currently 4 days (of the agreed 2 months) into a NCP and it’s been so tough. Every day feels harder than the last. I realise something new about the past relationship with my ex every day and become more and more torn by knowing I need to use this time to grow from that relationship but not wanting to move on. It feels impossible at the moment and i keep catching myself trying to find ways to rationalise shortening and shortening the time: “I’ll just get through the week.”, “I’ll message him on March 1st. Thats basically two months anyway.”, “I’ll send him a present halfway through with a card saying how hard this is for me and how much i miss him.”.
This is so hard. The only advice i’m getting from people is that i should just move on and never speak to him again. But I just can’t.
I feel like the fact that i’m resisting this NCP so hard proves that i need it more. The fact that i’m torn on whether or not i want to move on for good also tells me that I need to go through with it.
I’m trying so hard to be okay but it’s all I can think about.
Brandon M.
January 15, 2020 at 11:19 pm
Hello,
so i dated this guy for 6 months.everything seemed great, we never argued. we had our likes and dislikes but other than that I love him exactly how he is. i like to believe he feels the same way about me. there is an age gap of 25 years between us but we had adult conversations about it and it never bothered him. We even admitted to loving each other. Long romantic stares at each other. we would talk about the future as if it were actually going to happen. we went on a road trip together and everything seemed great. got through the holidays and felt so much joy being with him. then right after Christmas he tells me we should just be friends. that we’re too different and he has already made up his mind and there is no changing it. this devastated me. and on top of everything, I’ve never been in a relationship before and have never experienced a break up before. i did everything im not supposed to do. i texted him, i called him i even sent him a letter. but i stopped right before he was completely done hearing from me. a week of silence after the break and a friend shows me he is already on the dating websites. i made mistake number 2 and i broke my silence. i told him how much it hurts to see him on there just 1 week after breaking up with me. after that i went silent again. its been almost 2 weeks now. i plan on sending him one “clean slate” message just to erase how i reacted after the breakup and then i am going completely silent for a month. Please tell me there is hope for me. i do what i can to keep myself busy. he doesn’t have social media so that’s a huge help.i can however see when he is logged on to the dating app. i know, i shouldn’t be stalking but i use every ounce of me to not look. sometimes i succeed and sometimes i don’t. I wrote a list of all the things im going to improve on myself and the trips im going to go on that i always wanted to do. it sucks because i am pretty self aware. i don’t see myself as changing to accommodate him, i saw myself as adapting to this person that i love and becoming the person i wanted to be. this has hit me like a brick house. i know i want to spend my life with this guy. Is there any hope of us getting back together?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 18, 2020 at 4:14 am
Hi Brandon, so if you read and follow this information on this website, do the work that is required then you do give yourself a good chance at getting your ex back but you also work to become the best version of yourself, so by that time it is his loss if he doesnt want you back. Read about being Ungettable and how to implement this to your life, you will see changes if you follow the advice properly
Grace
November 16, 2019 at 5:29 am
My ex and I dated for almost 9 months and we were crazy in love with each other. We decided to take a break which lasted about a month and half. About 4 months ago he broke off our break. We continued to remain in contact and still flirted a lot. One day he called me and told me he had a new girlfriend. She was his girl best friend when we dated and when I found out I was so hurt. I’m still in love with him and I want him back. We had talked about marriage and our future together and now he’s with someone else. The girl he’s dating now looks very similar to me which I think is weird. About a week ago I started the no contact rule but he thinks it was his idea to stop talking so I’m not sure what to do. I love him so much and I want him back. He has made no effort in contacting me and is moving forward with his new girl. Any suggestions?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 18, 2019 at 9:15 pm
Hi Grace, so you need to do some work on being the Ungettable girl and read up about the being there method. As the girl is new you are going to have to do a NC for at least 45 days so that they ahve enough time to pass the honeymoon phase
aldiesha patterson
September 17, 2019 at 9:38 pm
so I dont know if im supposed to just write on this wall but here goes. so recently my now ex the one who meant the world to me we broke up over a situation that occurred in may which involved abuse towards me. it wasn’t so much the abuse because it did stop but it was just so much built up anger from being hurt so many times by the man I loved so much. so we ended up breaking up and he ended up finding someone else like a week later it seemed to me. even though he hurt me I wanted him back so bad and I though he felt the same. we ended up getting back together and i thought we were going to be the same way we were before we broke up but, he became sneaky mean and distant and every time I just kept feeling its someone else so i fought harder cried harder and turned out to be someone else and once he knew that I knew it got worse . he began to lie to me about this girl and more so. i did everything I could and he would come back to me and treat me so shitty so mean like he hated me but he didn’t want to let me go so I stayed and with him trying to compete for his love. I thought I had it but now as i’m typing this I realized he gets excitement from starting something new. he eventually told me we were going to be together and that he was done with the other girl so I believed him. I trusted his word despite my gut saying different. about a week ago we ended badly he confessed to me that he was in love with her and that he couldn’t be with me anymore because he doesn’t want to hurt me after all the hurt he had already caused me on top of coming back into my life after I told him If I don’t make you happy then go be happy with her. he denied it and denied it until he couldn’t anymore. I was so hurt so betrayed I did everything for this guy and he took and took until i had nothing left to give and ran to the next girl as if i wasn’t nothing. this girl always had a new bf a week later she would do little things like post pictures of him to try and get me mad and he would never defend me I just couldn’t understand. make a long story short I got so upset because I just couldn’t believe he would throw away all we had for someone he barely know all of our history our love we had for each other thrown away for a 3 months of cheating. i haven’t heard form him in a week. our breakup was so bad i had to call the police i lied and said I pressed charges I really didn’t. i know this sounds dumb but it feels like i’m the only one hurting. like he just moved on with her and is so happy. I don’t know because I unfriended him and blocked her but why is it killing me so much why do i feel so hurt and I was the victim, I was betrayed broken, cheated on used so why am i so hurt
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 19, 2019 at 5:34 pm
Hey Aldiesha, This is such a hurtful and upsetting breakup you’ve been through and its justified why you’re so upset. You have answered your own question, you’r hurting because you have been betrayed multiple times along with your confidence and self esteem will have taken a big hit too.
Take some time 45 days NC if you’re going to try and get him back. And work on yourself, look up the Ungettable Girl and focus your energy on being the best version of yourself and finding your happiness without him in your life first before you try to reach out to him or get into any future relationships.
Jane
April 16, 2019 at 10:46 pm
Okay this might sound crazy, but I’m still hoping you can help me out. My ex and I dated for 3.5 months (yes I know, not very long). Even though it wasn’t very long, we were crazy about each other… at least, until he had a death in the family.
I was so supportive of him. I listened to him when he was upset, was there for him whenever he needed me, did whatever he wanted, etc. And don’t get me wrong, he was nice to me too. But things changed. Eventually I realised that we were, for the most part, only doing what he wanted. On multiple occasions it happened where he would always have a bad day or something would come up to make him upset on the nights we did what I wanted. I felt like he wasn’t appreciating me for the things I did, and especially after he started making the things I did for him look like I did for myself, it confirmed my suspicions. I love him so much, but I love myself too. I know I deserve to be treated better. I should be with someone who would put in the same amount of effort as me in the relationship. So I returned his belongings and broke up with him.
Like I said, I’m still very much into him, and it hurts like hell that we’re not together anymore. I don’t get it. I thought it would be easier since I didn’t have to work so hard anymore. I cracked and told him I loved him and wanted him back the same night, and he said he needed to think and that he just couldn’t talk about it that night, same with the next day. After that I implemented the no contact and ignored his response and a couple messages, but it’s killing me. Why is it so hard on me? Is it honestly possible he might realise what he lost and put in the effort? I already told him that I’d take him back if he put in the effort, but I also don’t really know what guys are like in this situation, especially since he’s so upset right now. I’m trying to focus on myself right now and keep up with my busy schedule, but still. Thanks for everything