One look around my website should be enough to tell you how important the no contact rule is.
I’ve even gone as far as calling in the foundation upon which every successful “get your ex back” strategy is built on.
However, I thought I’d change things up today and talk about a few of the situations where you need to avoid it because it won’t work.
So, I’m not only going to explain those situations to you but if you read this article, all the way to the end, I’m going to tell you about a specific text message you can receive that will actually allow you to break your no contact period early.
Sound exciting?
Let’s begin!
When To Not Use The No Contact Rule
There are three big things I’d like to cover in this article.
Some of them may sound familiar but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that some of them are completely new to you.
I’m also going to go against the grain of what is expected.
Over the years I’ve been dubbed as a huge proponent of the no contact rule.
(Make Sure You Read This Article For A Full Rundown Of What No Contact Is.)
And while I still believe it is one of the most effective strategies for getting an ex back I’m not going to back it up 100% of the time in every single situation especially when it stops working.
Here’s a list of those situations.
- You broke up with your ex and immediately regret your decision.
- You find yourself in a situation where the no contact rule won’t work
- You receive a very specific type of text message(s)
Let’s dissect!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizFactor #1: You Broke Up With Your Ex And Immediately Regret Your Decision
This is probably the most shocking factor of the bunch.
After all, you are here because you regret how the breakup went down, right?
Well, I implore you to pay attention to every word in that sentence.
YOU BROKE UP with your ex and immediately regret your decision.
Most of the clients I work with are in situations where their exes have broken up with them.
I know there have been a lot of debates about this but I think there is a bit more power that goes to the person that breaks up with the other person.
Think of it like this.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
It’s not always fair but if you were the one to break up with your ex you are in a bit of a power position and if you regret your decision you may find that implementing something like the no contact rule might set you back.
You may be wondering how I’ve come by this knowledge.
Well, believe it or not this is actually something that we’ve encountered in our private Facebook group.
We mistakenly recommended the no contact rule to a few women who found themselves in this rare position and watched as things fell apart and their exes moved on or became unresponsive.
Whoops.
One day my wife got the idea to take the opposite approach and recommend a more direct track by just simply asking the ex out for a cup of coffee and admit that a mistake was made with the breakup.
The results were a lot more positive.
Now, there is one thing I want to focus in on here.
Timing does matter.
Even if you did break up with your ex and regret your decision. The thing you also need to account for is how long it’s been since the initial breakup.
If it’s only been a few days or a week then that is usually fine.
If it has been a few months then that could be problematic.
In those cases you’d probably want to take a look at implementing a no contact rule.
To recap, here’s the ultimate wishlist for this no contact alteration.
- You have to be the one that broke up with your ex
- It has to be right after the breakup.
- You need to apologize or tell your ex that you made a massive mistake
- You need to invite your ex out for coffee or an activity of equal value
Factor #2: You Are In A Situation Where Literal No Contact Is Possible
Sometimes you are just in a difficult situation where the no contact rule simply isn’t possible.
Situations like this include,
- Working with your ex
- Living with your ex
- Sharing children with your ex
I think you get the idea as there are definitely more situations than the ones listed.
One of the biggest misconceptions with the no contact rule is the fact that when you do it, it doesn’t matter if your ex gets angry.
I’ve written multiple times about anger and how sometimes it can be a positive thing but there is a difference between direct anger and indirect anger.
If you are purposefully ignoring your ex while living with them it’s not only going to make your ex angry but it will also kind of creep them out.
And then of course you have situations where you share children with your ex.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizInevitably you will need to communicate about the children at some point and that might be impossible to do during no contact, right?
So, is there some kind of other no contact rule you can use?
Actually yes, in situations like these I recommend that my clients implement a “limited no contact rule.”
I’ve written about that here.
But if you want a quick crash course I’d be happy to do that too.
Limited Contact: This is essentially the same thing as the no contact rule except you are permitted to respond to your exes when they contact you first and if you deem their contact important.
What is deemed important contact?
Obviously if your kid is getting rushed to the hospital and your ex is contacting you about that then it might be good to respond.
But what if your ex is telling you that they miss you.
Is that important enough to respond?
Well, that’s actually the perfect lead in to the next factor I’d like to discuss with you today.
Factor #3: You Receive Very Specific Types of Text Message(s)
Last year there was a member of our private Facebook group who was implementing the no contact rule.
(If you aren’t in our Facebook Group you can get access to it for free with a purchase of any of our products.)
She did something really interesting.
She actually charted everything that her ex texted her.
He texted some interesting things.
“You ok?”
“I miss you…”
“I think about you all the time.”
“I can’t get you out of my mind”
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz“I will never find anyone like you.”
“I stalk you on social media.”
“How do you smile?”
“How do you move on?”
She cited each one of these text messages as reasons that she cracked and broke her no contact rule.
All of these text messages are positive by nature.
Each has an underlying current of one person wanting another to want them.
But when you look at all of the text messages do you want to know the one thing that is missing in all of them?
An actual admission that he wants to get back together with my client.
Sometimes you’ll find the no contact rule works so well that you’ll get responses like the ones above.
Those are good responses but what you are really looking for are responses like these,
“I want to get back together”
“We shouldn’t have broken up”
“It was a mistake for me to leave you.”
“Being friends is BS”
“I need you as my girlfriend/fiance/wife/boyfriend/husband.”
Do you see the difference between responses way above and the responses here?
It’s kind of like wants versus needs.
Wants don’t always get people to take action.
Needs do.
And what is the difference between wants and needs?
Needs are simply a function of “wants” maturing.
Think about that.
Anna
July 14, 2022 at 5:22 pm
I broke up with my boyfriend last Friday we worked in same building made it hard but he didn’t put in any effort into relationship that was all put on me honestly think he j7st used me for sex I really do so I changed my number and since I decided not to move in with him im looking for work cl9ser to home instead of 40 min to work and back home I made this decision I do not want him back I deserve better than that
Susan Namuli
August 22, 2021 at 9:12 am
Hey Team
I really need some advice,things with my boyfriend have not been good for 6months now,he kept telling me I don’t deserve him coz he cheated on me and that he claims he became an asshole and I don’t deserve him,this happened and I told him it’s okay it’s better that uve respected me enough to tell me that,but he kept insisting that I deserve better,I always tried the no contact rule but I ended up going back coz he kept texting me and I couldn’t resist him,he really cared about me and couldn’t stop texting me whenever I went silent or tried to start the no contact again,so recently I poured my heart out to him on how I can’t hate him,how I wish we could rebuild our relationship but he insisted that he messed up and I deserve better,but I don’t know why deep down I think he is the man for me so I decided to do the no contact rule this one more time even though things look really over between us coz he insisted I don’t deserve him,I don’t know if after this no contact period he will come back to me coz for 3 years now we’ve never gone a week without talking to each other,am not ready to move on and I don’t even know whether the no contact will bring my love back,am just 2 days in the no contact and I’ve promised myself that if in these 40 days he doesn’t come back to me then I will move on,please advise me team
Thanks
Jen
August 1, 2021 at 3:20 pm
Hi Chris,
My ex and I were in a relationship for 4 years, everything seemed great. We had our ups and downs and both live with parents, and were ready to start building our home together. I have always been extremely supportive of him as he can be sensitive. He was extremely lovey at first in this relationship, and we had reconsidered our relationship a handful of times during the course of the last 2 years because we did have some differences. We did talk through them and everything was fine.
A week ago I asked him to come hang out at my place, and he said no, heās done. Of course, I was so upset I drove to his place and cried the entire time, I couldnāt get an answer out of him as to why we he wanted to end it. After half an hour he got in his truck and left me on the porch crying.
Within 24 hours, he had all photos of me deleted off Instagram, blocked me on Snapchat and hid his relationship status on Facebook, but we remained friends and he still follows me on Instagram. He would text me things like āstop talking weāre done Iāll block youā, so I gave up after the 3rd try that day. He hasnāt spoken since except to tell me to get my stuff a couple days ago.
He is spending way more time with his friends now and his mom spoke to him, there is no one else and he claims heās just not happy. Iām heartbroken because he is my best friend and I feel like a little kid again when he walks into the room. Iām trying to do no contact even though I really want to know why he ended it so suddenly. I havenāt spoken to him in just under a week and have ignored the couple of rude texts he sent me yesterday. I really need help with this, Iām trying to work on myself to get over it. I am just not sure what to do or if no contact will drive him further away.
Crystal
July 20, 2021 at 4:06 pm
Hello, knew him for 2 years dated for 8 months while going through separation (yes I know bad start) it was long distance(live 4 hrs apart) . He knew my situation told me he loved me and I love him, made future plans said he never wanted to lose me. I blew up on him and told him it was over because of plans he made on a day we were suppose to see eachother. I called him to discuss a bill we shared, he also said just because it didn’t work out with us we can still be friends as that’s how we started. I said i can’t be friends with someone I love. I apologized told him I loved him to give us a second chance and he refused..How do you just walk away like that? Was it all a lie..yes I voiced the breakup but shouldn’t you work through the bad. Will NC work?.break up was a week ago.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 6, 2021 at 10:39 pm
Hi Crystal, so yes NC can work but as long as in that time you are strict with yourself and do not reply to anything he may send you this includes social media posts. Work on yourself and watch a few more videos and read articles on this website to help you through your NC. You are also correct you cannot be friends with him while you want a relationship – this would only be if he were to meet someone else, THEN you are going to be his friend so you can follow the being there method.
Eunice Yeow
July 16, 2021 at 9:27 pm
Hi EBR,
I broke up with my ex and 2 days later realized what i have done and basically begged him to come back but he says he doesn’t see a future anymore. I also said some hurtful things when we broke up…
After 5 days straight of begging i can tell he is annoyed now. Will the no contact still work in this case? He told his friend he is very sure he doesn’t want to try again…
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 6, 2021 at 10:32 pm
Hi Eunice, yes it will still work and I suggest that you go 45 days as you have reached a point he is annoyed form your interactions.
Gab
July 7, 2021 at 5:13 am
Hi there. I broke up with my ex 4 days ago. We have been together for 4 and a half years. Our relationship had its up and downs, there were moments we reconsidered the relationship because we both have strong personalities. The reason behind this last break up is because we have been planning on moving together and starting our life officially now. But during the planning, we werenāt agreeing of avoiding certain topics to not make the other person upset. I became frustrated and fed up, so ended the relationship. So again it has only been 4 days since the break up, but I have mixed feelings about my decision. I know heās angry. I want to talk it out with him, but I am not sure what the correct move is for right now.
Georgina
June 17, 2021 at 10:34 am
Hi Chris,
I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago. We had a long distance relationship 20 years ago but it didn’t work out. We started texting again 2 years ago and last year I moved close to where he lives. We started seeing each other and decided to give it a proper go for the last 6 months.
We were getting on great but I was very insecure, constantly asking him was he sure about us. Last week he couldn’t come over due to having to work at the last minute. I told him it was over, not because he was working but because I felt he was always leaving me hanging. I regretted it immediately and tried to apologise. He wouldn’t answer me for 2 days which he has never done before.
When he did finally answer he said he doesn’t have time for me anymore. Said I’m a good person but he wants to be on his own. I sent him a message saying I was sorry and hoped we could be together again and I regretted sending the message and being insecure. I haven’t heard from him since. Will no contact work now?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 18, 2021 at 9:06 pm
Hi Georgina, along with NC you need to work on yourself and your insecurities as this is part of the issue in your relationship
Liza
April 19, 2021 at 4:11 am
hello there! Please answer me this one. So Iāve been dating this guy that I love with all of my heart and he did too. Heād do anything to make me happy and weād get along so well, we were like best friends you could say. But at times when Iād stress out because of my persona life issues Iād explode all my anger and sadness on him which he obviously didnāt like and accept as it was very disrespectful. I know I was wrong and I learned my lesson but i want him back so much. We dated for a year and I tried the no contact but he didnāt contact me for 11 days straight and I gave it up and contacted him again. He told me that heās happier without me and that his love for me isnāt as strong as before… will no contact still work if I try to complete it? And should I worry that what he said was actually true?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 21, 2021 at 9:44 pm
Hi Liza, yes you can make his program work for you but the important factors for you is going to be the Ungettable girl information!
Allie
April 13, 2021 at 1:24 pm
I recently ended things with a FWB. We had gotten to the point of saying we loved each other but he said he couldn’t commit to being in a relationship with me due to insecurities surrounding my co-parenting relationship with my ex . He seemed just as upset as I was and I told him that we couldn’t be in contact with each other. Is it possible that the no contact rule will work in my situation? I know right now if I called him, he would answer but I want him to commit.
Savannah
March 13, 2021 at 2:02 pm
Hey Iām needing some help. I was with this guy for almost 8-9 months. We just broke up 5 days ago. I started no contact 3 days after we broke up. He give me three chance and I messed up thoses three time one was I cheated on the begin of the relationship but he forgive me, the second one is I broke it off because I saw some thing that bothered me, the third one is that he give me a ring and I got scared because I started fallin really hard for this guy and I ran but the second and third time I broke it off I stood by his side and never left. And one day I guess he had enough and told me it was over and he was done forever. But he wants to keep our streak on Snapchat and text here and there. But sense I started no contact I broke our streak on Snapchat and he hasnāt sent me anymore snaps sense then, then the 4 day one of his friends decided to follow me on Snapchat and I ignored it and blocked him. Is there any possible way he is gonna come back? Will no contact work in my situation?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 8, 2021 at 9:00 pm
Hey Savannah, yes NC can work in your situation but it is important that you follow the rules correctly, read articles for you to understand what you need to do when we say become Ungettable. And prepare your first reach out text to your ex for the end of your NC period
Ann
February 26, 2021 at 11:29 pm
Hi. I have been with him for 7 months…no agruments. He proposed to me last month. Up until one week ago, he was still saying he loves me but now he wants to break up because he said that he could love me as much as I love him.
What do I do? I love him so much.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 27, 2021 at 9:48 am
Hi Ann, so you need to pull back and give him some space it sounds as if things got serious too soon. Let him have some time without you and stick with no contact to let him see that you are not dependant on him.
George
February 20, 2021 at 7:27 pm
Hi, I feel that I have a unique situation and I was wondering if I could get some advice on what course of action I need to take for my situation, please reply if you are able to provide an answer.
Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 23, 2021 at 4:24 pm
Hi George, you can post your situation here and I can advise best I can with what information you give š
Kindra
February 13, 2021 at 8:26 am
My ex boyfriend dumped me a week ago. It came out of no where. Just the night before he way saying we were good. Also asked me to go indoor rock climbing the next morning.
Later that night I rang him to ask why he never showed up to mine. He then proceeds to break up with me over the phone. Saying how he is just to busy with things at the moment, quitting his job and starting a new business, fixing finances with his ex wife, he also went on about my insecurities that showed with his ex wife. That he realised he wasnāt ready for a relationship. I was in shock and mentioned back angrily. I gave you and exception and a chance even though you were separated. You should of never gotten involved with me if you were not ready. I thought I was! I then stated that is what all separated men say. Then said this is done. Donāt ever call me again.
I didnāt mean that and ever since, even after apologising for acting the way I did at the end of that phone call he has not replied to any texts or voicemails at all. Just left baffled at what happened and what brought on the 180 and he ending it, when just the night before he was saying we were good and even asked me out the next day.
I started no contact yesterday. Have I completely blown it? He should understand how upset I got after hearing that news, how emotional and all over the place a girl gets over a break up.
It never even got brought up before this that he was concerned about my insecurities. I donāt know why we couldnāt just talk through what our concerns were and work things out.
Not sure what to do but just start no contact…
Anna
January 18, 2021 at 5:37 am
If the situation is complicated – long distance, never met due to restrictions, but it was intimate and future plans being made. Over a year long. Stress became a factor, and his ex returned home (for a brief three to four week period, she leaves soon) to which he became shut off, confused feelings, and could no longer make promises (his words). Would no contact in this situation be helpful or hinder? We’ve spoken every single day since we’ve “met”. Recently we don’t speak, just a quick good night. If this would be helpful, how do I end our communication to leave him not afraid to reach out if/when he’s ready? Or should I cut my losses and walk away?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 18, 2021 at 9:19 pm
Hi Anna, yes this could work but you need to be sure that you use your social media accounts to show you are doing well and not upset about the fact that he has let you down.
Debbie
January 6, 2021 at 4:11 pm
Good Morning. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years about a month ago. I found text messages where he was actively pursuing another woman for three months although she didnāt seem interested. I was devastated because I thought he was faithful. He denies it all and says they are just friends.
Should I implement no contact with him? Heās texted me holiday greetings and I responded accordingly.
Thank you for your help.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 6, 2021 at 8:18 pm
Hi Debbie, if you want him back then yes you need to go into a No Contact and follow it for 30 / 45 days depending on what you feel you need. Be sure to read more articles to understand how the program works while in your No Contact too
jerry
November 30, 2020 at 4:41 am
Good evening Chris,
Five days ago I broke up with my girlfriend. She had been cold and distant for about a month. Her texts would be short and did not show any affection at all anymore. Saying things like “what’s up”, “Wyd”, and “cool”. Very unusual considering she used to use pet names and be much more affectionate. She said she still liked me and wanted to be in a long term relationship with me according to previous conversations. Had not stayed at my apartment for a month and a half while I stayed at her parents house a couple of times a week. However, up until the break up we had not spent time together for two weeks. I had asked a three times to spend time together, but was too busy and cancelled for two of the times. Eventually she made a false accusation that I had checked out her friend one time when we were hanging out together and told me she wasn’t going to talk to me anymore. So I said “sounds good” and “please don’t talk to me anymore”.. After four days of not talking to her I decided that I wanted to talk after lots of pleading on her end. I invited her over to my apartment to talk about our relationship. She came over, but instead just got mad at me the whole time for ignoring her for the four days that I used to think about things instead of acknowledging the fact that she had been so distant. I told her where the door was and she asked me twice if we were going to make things work after she got mad at me. I said no both times. She texted immediately after and called me saying I was rude for not walking her out. Since then she texted me a “happy thanksgiving”, but that is it. I replied and said the same. Nothing else though. I feel like I had been emotionally manipulated and gaslighted a ton towards the end of the relationship. But for whatever reason I still miss her a lot and can’t stop thinking about her. I am wondering if I should follow through with no contact even though I broke up with her. I blocked her on all social media, but did not block her phone number.
Towards the end of the relationship I felt like everything I did was wrong. Was criticized for everything and felt like I was walking on egg shells because I could not share anything that didn’t sit right with me. Why am I so addicted to this toxic behavior? lol
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 30, 2020 at 11:53 am
Hi Jerry, i agree that this sounds like a toxic relationship and she has gaslighted you at the end! Stick with your NC for at least 45 days longer if needed, but you do need to be really sure if you want to be back with this person. I would suggest moving on considering how she didn’t take account for her own short comings, and then to blame you for the whole situation shows you what type of person she really is. The decision has to be yours on what you want to do and I can advise you either way if you need me to š
Caitlin
October 20, 2020 at 7:03 am
Hi Chris,
Iāve just come out of a 4 year on-off relationship involving numerous breakups – I lost count around the 12 mark. All these breakups occurred during fights – we didnāt argue often. These were most often because I felt taken for granted and he either pulled the plug or I did but only because he failed to even try resolve issues.
The latest breakup happened and he, once again, apologised and said, āIām sorry I canāt give you what you want.ā This time, unlike previous times when I wrote letters, arrived at his door, texted and asked to try again before him rejecting me and then later coming back to ask if we can try, I did not seek him out. After 3 weeks, he sent several texts asking to talk because he made a mistake. I agreed and we decided to try, this time he promised to go to therapy with me. Anyway, he tried to revert back to normal, but I told him I needed time because I was so hurt and felt betrayed. He then ignored me. I knew when I spoke to him on the phone that he had become ambivalent and was distanced. A week later he sent me a text to say:
āI hope youāre well. Iāve been non-stop thinking this week and I just think we should follow our heads. I just think it will happen again. Iām so sorry for putting you through this again, it was not my intention. I think we both know this is right but the feelings we have for each other makes it so hard. Please understand where Iām coming from. I just canāt hurt you again.ā
My immediate reply:
āTo be honest, Iād already decided not to try. [Lying and hurt!!] I now know what I want abs what I wonāt tolerate. I deserve someone who loves me and is committed to me 100%. Thatās never been you and it never will be you. Good luck with everything.ā
Later that evening I sent my final text:
āDonāt contact me EVER again. Iām making sure to block you everywhere this time. Youāve taken enough from me.ā
I then blocked him everywhere. Unfortunately I made the mistake of unblocking him briefly on Instagram and noticed that heās been posting videos all of a sudden of him riding his new motorbike and I saw a video of him kayaking with some girl – skanky – that he met when he did his learners. Iām devastated! Itās been over 5 weeks since the last message.
I keep hoping that heās going to seek me out, but I think that itās highly unlikely given what I said in my texts.
What do I do? Any objective insight would be greatly appreciated.
Kind regards,
Caitlin
PS: We had a really good relationship but he blows hot and cold, and I walked on egg-shells to avoid conflict at times.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 22, 2020 at 8:51 pm
Hi Caitlin, if you are walking on egg-shells in a relationship – it is not a good relationship. That is one thing you need to realise. This is not a healthy relationship to have. As for wanting him back, based on the fact you admitted to feeling that you were on edge with him. I would say that you need at least 45 days in no contact where you focus on yourself and what you want from a relationship and a partner (not from him personally) Then when you have this list of expectations, you can use this to compare to him, and others you meet. If they do not reach the expectation, then they are not the one for you. Read Chris’ articles about working on your Holy Trinity and being Ungettable and do the work for yourself, to be the best version of yourself and know your worth!
Jamie
October 15, 2020 at 2:20 pm
Hi, So my ex Girlfriend broke up with me back in end of December 2019. We have not been together since, i have been living there and messaging her etc since we split and i have tried to sort/ fix things but at times i have made it worse.
We have a child together and was together for 5 years as well.
I really love her a lot and still want to be with her now still i feel we good together but was my fault we split due to my actions.
Is it to late for me to initiate the no contact rule? i have just recently been kicked out from hers for being to needy and asking about getting back together.
Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 15, 2020 at 5:18 pm
Hi Jamie, now is the perfect time to start following the limited no contact, where you only speak about your child and nothing else
Anna
September 24, 2020 at 10:42 pm
We didnāt really broke up but he told me about a situation and say that we canāt get married. And itās better if we start to be away from each other or just stay in contact just as a friend.
I donāt want to stay away from him. I really love him and want to be with him same as we were before.
I started to not calling him and not to sending messages to him. But he sent msg already after two days and say āhelloā n I didnāt replied and then after few minutes he said āI miss youā but I didnāt replied because I donāt know what to say. I just cried.
Now he posted some emotional story on insta to feel me guilty. Like I am the one who donāt want to be with him.
I donāt know what to do?
Is it working or he will just forgets me due to his anger?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 12, 2020 at 10:27 am
Hi Anna, if you want a future with this guy knowing that you will not be married, and are happy to accept that future then you can use the program to get him back. If you feel that you can not be his friend then stay with no contact indefinitely until you are over him. I would suggest that, if you want to get him back, your NC period needs to be 30 days of solid no contact, this includes not watching his social media and stories etc. So you would need to start again from day one.
kay
September 13, 2020 at 7:19 am
Hi, Iām not sure if my situation is an exception because we both agreed on 30 days of no contact after the split. I believe he thinks Iām the one to blame for us breaking up but I have already apologised. My ex said the no contact was so that we both would move on and heal from the breakup but I actually want to get back with him. I tried pleading and begging once but he insisted on us separating. Should i just follow the 30 day of no contact then reach out? Or should i just wait until he texts me. At first we agreed on being friends after the no contact period but I am so scared that by the time he texts me he would have already moved on.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 30, 2020 at 6:37 pm
Hi Kay if you want to follow the program then you need to reach out after 30 days, but make sure you are working on yourself and your Holy trinity in that time